We all have that one article that we read. That we remember, that often we can return to, time an time again, when we are questioning the truth in our minds.
I was going through old information, and came across this article. I was surprised to see that the article was called ‘dating a sociopath?’ … It would be the following year that I would write this blog, using the same title. As I read this article written by Kerry Gray, I realised how it still hits home to me today.
Do you have an article, or something that you read, a youtube video? Anything, what was it where the penny finally dropped, and you realised that you could no longer hide the truth from yourself anymore?
Please share in the comments, and help other people. What helped you? Post the link, and or article, but please acknowledge the original source. This could really help people.
Here is mine. Thank you Kerry! 🙂
Are You Dating a Sociopath?
Recognize the Warning Signs! by Kerry L. Gray
Dating a Sociopath
Is there something wrong with your guy? Does he lie, cheat, steal, commit fraud, use people then discard them, have fits of rage, seem self-centered or have no conscience? Do you feel like something is wrong with him, but you are not sure what it is? It sometimes seems like his brain just does not work right and he does outrageous things. Beware! You might be dating a sociopath. What are the warning signs? What should you do?
Sociopaths are sneaky and will worm their way into your life, despite your misgivings from the beginning. Something about this man is not quite right. You can’t put your finger on it, and you hesitate, but you get sucked into him anyway. These men are often charming and can put on an act that wins your sympathy and devotion. If you have issues of low self-esteem, they instinctively know how to approach you and suck you in. If you are lonely and needy you are a big target for the man with a sociopathic personality disorder. He makes you feel special and important. He convinces you they he has been misunderstood all his life, and you are the only one who understands him now. You feel validated and needed by this man, and he sucks you in deeper and deeper over time.
Your first warning was your gut instinct, and that was the time to run away and leave this relationship behind. Unfortunately, you didn’t, and now you are stuck in the hell that is a relationship with a sociopath. We all need to pay attention to the red flags, warning signs, gut instincts, and Dr. Phil! We can learn to recognize the sociopath and never get sucked into him again.
The words sociopathic, psychopathic, and antisocial personality all mean the same thing and are a true mental illness, a psychosis. The three terms are interchangeable and have only different areas of focus such as socialization or criminal behavior. We will use the word sociopath because it is the most recognizable. Psychopaths are equated with serial murderers, and antisocial is equated with dysfunction. The sociopath is sometimes charming and usually looks and acts normal enough to fool us. All three terms carry the same meaning: a disorder of the personality.
The most important thing to know is that a sociopath has a brain that does not work right. In fact, he is missing a part of his brain. More specifically, he is missing one of the building blocks of his personality. This is important to understand because it explains the seriousness of this disorder and why it cannot be treated or fixed or cured.
The part of his brain that is missing shapes his conscience, and because it is missing, he does not have one. The sociopath does not feel guilt, remorse or shame like the rest of us feel when we do something bad or wrong. He is not capable of feeling guilt or shame because he is missing that piece of his personality. It also means he does not have the boundaries, restraints on his behavior or impulse control that the rest of us do so he will do things that are outrageous, things that normal personalities would never consider doing.
The bad news for you is that this personality disorder cannot be fixed. You cannot fix him, and he cannot fix himself. No therapy or drug can fix this personality disorder because a part of his brain is missing. With long-term therapy some of the symptoms might be lessened, or the sociopath might learn to live more productively in society, but it cannot be fixed. This is why the most important piece of advice for the person involved with a sociopath is to leave. Get him out of your life. Run, don’t walk, away from him and never, ever go back.
A good comparison, something to help you understand the medical implications of this disorder, is to compare it to a disease of the eye. Diseases and disorders of the eye can be treated, like glaucoma, astigmatism, nearsightedness, etc., with medicine, eyeglasses, or laser surgery. Color blindness, however, can NOT be treated, because the person is missing the color cones and rods in the eye. A doctor cannot fix what is not there to begin with. This is why the sociopath, with a part of his personality missing, cannot be fixed. No doctor or therapist can put back what wasn’t there to begin with, and the sociopath is missing an actual building block of his personality, deep within his brain.
This explains why you sometimes feel like his brain just doesn’t work right. He lies, uses you, manipulates, bleeds you dry, rages, begs forgiveness, and then does it all over again without any guilt, remorse or shame. Are you the one who is crazy, you ask yourself? No. His brain really does not work right. Understanding and accepting this fact will help you leave the sociopath and make your life right again with normal men and healthy relationships.
The beginning charm you feel with the sociopath does not last long, because he is putting on a false face to reel you in. He is charming, seems sincere and earnest, makes you feel needed and important, and seems like the real thing, but only in the beginning. Other early warning signs that might alert you to this personality disorder are: lack of friends (he has none); lack of family (he burned them all out and used them up); a history of failed relationships (the other party always wronged him); being secretive (especially about money and his past); acting defensive when questioned about his whereabouts, work, money, or how he spends his time (he is already hiding things from you); criminal history or committing fraud without being charged (his family/friends will often not press charges); underachiever at work (frequently changing jobs); irresponsible spending (he will be spending your money, too, soon!) – ..and many other signs, most of which you recognize, but might still be in denial about. Many innocent, trusting women at this point of the relationship think their guy is still an okay guy, he just has some problems that she can surely fix with unconditional love, devotion and support. Beware; if you are at this point, you are in very deep.
By the time this relationship explodes, the sociopath will have done many, many things that leave you bewildered and exhausted. The more supportive you are the worse he treats you. The more understanding you are the more irritable and ugly he gets. This man, your relationship and life are crumbling around you and you still are not even sure why. You are spent, worn out, depressed, anxious, sad, scared, and don’t know how to fix it. You can’t fix it or him. You can only get out and save yourself; that is the truth that I know you don’t want to hear, but it is the truth. You must get out. It is your only option for survival. This personality disorder, in this man you probably love, cannot be fixed.
There are three main things that define the sociopath. They are pathological lying, fits of rage, and being completely self-centered. The hallmark, defining feature that sociopaths have that connects these three things is an astonishing lack of guilt, remorse and shame despite the heartbreak and hardships they cause to others. This man does not feel guilty. He is not ashamed, and he is not remorseful or sorry for what he has done to you or others. He is not sorry for all the pain, disruption and turmoil he has caused for both you and himself. He lacks the brain to be able to feel these emotions, and you cannot make him sorry. He might learn to say he is sorry, because he has been rewarded for saying those words in the past, but he cannot feel it.
Pathological lying about all things, big and small, is the first feature of a sociopath. This man will lie about the most ridiculous things, even when he doesn’t have to and even when he might not want to: he just does. These lies are bewildering because they seem so ridiculous and unnecessary, and they are frightening because of what they stand for: a personality disorder that cannot be fixed. When your man does this, call it what it is: pathological lying.
Fits of rage, the second symptom, often happen when the sociopath is crossed, challenged or questioned. He can’t stand it, and he will take it out on you. He might stomp around and yell, or get violent. Either way, you learn quickly not to question him; in fact, you had better be completely supportive all of the time or he might suddenly turn into a raging person you feel like you don’t know. Before this article you did not know who he was, but now you do. A sociopath with fits of rage.
The third feature is a self-centeredness or devotion to self unlike any you have ever seen. This man sees the world from his eyes only, will always makes sure he gets ‘his’ first, and is constantly plotting against the world who plots against him (in his mind). This feature will allow the sociopath to discard you without a second glance when you no longer suit his needs. He only functions around his needs and wants. He has an overwhelming sense of self that does not allow room for others. This is why you feel so ‘stepped on’ by the sociopath; you were not only stepped on, you were run over!
The hallmark feature that ties these three broad characteristics together is an amazing lack of guilt, remorse or shame for their actions; a complete lack of conscience, and lack of boundaries that prevents healthy people from doing what the sociopath will do easily and without hesitation over and over again! This feature is astonishing when you see it; you can’t quite believe someone is capable of acting the way they do. It overwhelms those involved with the sociopath; it is so hard to comprehend that someone could even do one of these things, much less accomplish the long list of lies and fraud accompanies the sociopath throughout his lifetime.
These are just the broadest definitions of a sociopath. Following are a few of the many characteristics that a sociopath might have: not learning from experience or punishment, emotional immaturity with lack of ability to form relationships, lack of impulse control, lack of morals, and no sense of responsibility. Sociopaths can be reckless, impulsive, substance abusers, financial disasters, and can commit fraud, lie, and abandon loved ones without the blink of an eye. They can be aggressive, are usually irritable, and do not plan ahead nor do they have a life plan or achieve any goals. They stay this way for years despite consequences that are disastrous. They simply discard relationships and move to the next one. They cannot be fixed, not by you, not by me, not by a therapist or doctor, and not by themselves. They seldom even admit they have a problem.
Mental illness is classified into two types: neurosis and psychosis. All of us are neurotic to some degree, and we know we are. That is one important clue. We know we have shortcomings and we work on our problems because personal growth is important to us. The person with an illness classified as a psychosis such as the sociopath can seldom admit he has a problem and will never overcome his illness. He will spend his life lying, cheating, extorting, raging and manipulating, or worse, without guilt, remorse or shame.
This mental disorder cannot be fixed. Medication or therapy might lessen the symptoms, but it cannot be fixed, that is a fact, and these men will ruin your life if you stay.
I know you don’t want to hear it, but this is the truth. You must leave the sociopath behind, turn your back on him, and get him out of your life. Easier said than done.
Additional to this was a poem that I found, around the same time, about compulsive liars…. by Lucy Godden
Compulsive Liar
Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
While all around you are but pawn’s for your own use.
Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
In reality I watch as your psychosis gradually worsens.
The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.
Dating a Sociopath 
Pos,
Your site changed my life. I cannot pick just one article. All I do know is that I am 100% healed. It’s a miracle. I had a FULL BLOWN ADDICTION to the monster. It’s all behind me, fully 100% thanks to you. You LITERALLY saved my life. I am me again! Xx
Yay, thanks Lisa, I think if I hadn’t read that article. I wonder, would I have still been lost? From there, I went on a mission to read everything. Well, that i could find. I think I wanted to prove that it WASN’T true!! …. but I failed. I hope you are doing good!! 🙂
Me too. Without this site, I know that I would be begging for him to come back, again. I can’t choose just one post either. I don’t recall what I searched for to find this place all I know is once I did, I knew that this is who he is and no amount of unconditional love for him will help me. And years ago, he told me, that he needed unconditional love and that is what I tried to give him. Until he discarded me again, 6 weeks ago, and I found this site and knew it would be the last time.
I’m still having to fight for what he has stolen from me and still have to live with all his belongings that he left behind…if anything were to be discarded, he would charge me (when I tell him I’m taking him to court, he says he won’t show up and good luck finding him or my things…he will only go to the law if it serves him) trying to negotiate a trade with him is useless. All he wants is to destroy me, as long as I’m not being sweet to him.
I am grateful for this truth no matter how much it hurts me.
I would like to see a web site dedicated to naming these individuals much like sex offenders are called out. It may save future victims.
Only problem with this is that they are pathological liars and would accuse you of stalking them. Or would get a law suit against you.
I SO agree. Although, I just got away and divorced one after 28 years. There were many women who flirted with him and enjoyed his charasmatic company. Texting with him and giving him supply. Completely disrespecting the fact that he had a wife. I don’t want THEM to get off so easily. They deserve the whole package.
Thing is though, imagine there WAS a website.. do you not think that they are THAT manipulative that they would use this to their advantage? And use it to make themselves appear more desirable.
I just googled jeckyl and Hyde character and hey presto!
I started with ‘compulsive liar’…… I think it was a website about liars, then there was a special proviso, where it was talking about liars – with the exception of pathological lying as done by Psychopaths and Sociopaths…. and there began my journey.
It was exactly the same for me Positiva! – I was looking up pathological lying and a link took me to a page on sociopathic partners. I wish I could remember the website – I’ve searched for it many times since. it described my SP to a T. SP was at home with me at the time and I remember my horror and saying out loud, but quietly so he wouldn’t hear, “Oh God, Oh God’. That was my Bingo moment.
It is a moment, that I think you never forget too. One you cross that line, things are never the same again. They can’t be. You might struggle to believe the truth, so read more and more trying to disprove, but everything says the same. Until you see him/her waving at you in full colour from the side of the page next to the description 🙂
11 Signs You May Be Dating A Sociopath by the Huffington Post. The guy I was seeing (broke up over a year ago) fit just about every category. Explained so much about him and also gave lots of clarity. Wish I had read it when first dating him. Would have saved me a lot of heartache. Btw, I never would have put two and two together had not a good friend mentioned that she thought he might be a Sociopath, after I started opening up and telling her about his behavior. I then googled and there was the above article by the Huffingpost. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/23/11-signs-dating-a-sociopath_n_3780417.html
I posted a response but don’t see it on the site. What’s up?
Thanks, Melanie
A Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With A Single Step
It is there now daisy 🙂
Oh yeah and that jeckyl and Hyde, compulsive lying, hot and cold etc. Problem is I still know what he is and he’s still in my life! I don’t let him get to me so much these days though I have to admit. Knowing what he is and knowing it’s not actually my fault helps me millions!
A book written in the 1980’s called The Sociopath Next Door. Written by Martha Stout. A must read for all. My socio had all ten characteristics
I have that book but have never read it I should read it. I remember reading a book called “black widow” about a Scottish psycho who lured women then killed them for insurance money. That was so spot on minus he hadn’t killed me. I read so much I scared myself in early days.
I can’t get my hands on that book! Looked for it everywhere
What the sociopath next door?
Yes I can’t get it!
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828
That is one for usa. Unsure where you are?
Without conscience by Robert hare I thought was good as well as his book snakes in suits
I have this site to thank for the light bulb moment!! I think I typed ‘silent treatment’ into a google search because I had been having the silent treatment for a few days!! Then I came across this website and it was like ……….BOOM! It was a scary realisation at first and I am still in contact with him but not under his control any more because we live in different countries!
This comment made me smile. Thank you! Am pleased it has helped you! 🙂
I started by googling compulsive/pathological liars as well. From there, I went to sociopaths and found this website:
http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
This described my ex perfectly. He has done all of those things. I liked the descriptions because it helped me to identify his actions. It’s just so horribly sad that so many people have gone through this!
Hi everybody
I was talking to someone about my relationship problems and after a while she said ” he sounds like a sociopath to me “. The word SOCIOPATH triggered something in me . When I came home I googled “SOCIOPATH” and that is how I found this website .
When I first started reading , I thought I was reading my own story and I wondered who could have send my story to this webbsite . Well it wasn’t anyone I knew ! It’s just that all of our stories sound the same because they all seem to use the same playbook . From that point I started reeding mostly on this site . I learned so much and today I’m free !
But it was not as easy as it sounds . It took a heart attack and 2 years of therapy but I have survived ! And so will you .
During my therapy I started calling him “the sociopath ” instead of his name . I think that has helped me a lot because it dehumanized him and I associated that with something that was bad for me .
Lady’s , keep going you can do this too !!!
There is life after the SOCIOPATH !
Yay yay Ladybug it is good to hear that you are free!! 🙂
Eye-opener #1: after being found out, he lied (of course), his eyes turned black and he said something overtly self-centered (where did the sensitive guy go?). He later said “the joke is over” (what joke?).
Eye-opener #2: while reading about cheating, I came across a comment, something like “just accept that your partner was nothing like you thought he was; then all your questions will be answered”.
Eye-opener #3: I googled “double life”, when I found out that he had been renting a second apartment. That led me to sites about narcissistic personality disorder. The researcher in me took over and I soon came across the terms “antisocial personality disorder”, “psychopathy” etc. But it took me some time to realize, because the issue of control was extremely covert with him (he didn’t open up and he lied a lot, but I hadn’t realized that that was a way to control information). I had a lot of “control” in superficial ways (where we would go, what we would do etc.), so it was hard to connect the dots. It was rather the “positive” characteristics (charm, likeability, low anxiety,charisma, chameleon-like personality etc.) that were more recognizable in him. And a big term was “gaslighting”. Many of my flashbacks made sense, as well as my constant feeling of uncertainty/confusion. Thanks to blogs like this and survivors’ stories I realized I was not alone or crazy and I soon had clarity. Nothing surprised or hurt me after that. Emotional healing is a different (very slow for me) story.
I often wish that it was common knowledge that at least 1% of people don’t have a conscience. That would be a start. We hear the word “psychopath” and we think of something very rare, when it isn’t, or of serial killers, when they are only a minority. I’ve studied psychology and I had no idea about this disorder!
Good luck to all!
Great comment, thanks for sharing! 🙂 Yes i thought that they were serial killers too. Or …. overtly dangerous. but it isn’t like that. it can be so subtle that you can question your own mind even after it happened.
Wow, your comment about his eyes turning dark hit me spot on. I noticed as I went to delete all of his pictures, that in pictures before he cheated on me that his eyes were blue. For the year he cheated on me before I found out, his eyes were black. The other girl and I confronted him together and his eyes were black the entire time. He stared at us as though he was a statue. It was probably the scariest moment of my life when I realized that the sweet him that I thought he was, was a complete lie.
Gosh yes that stare, it is like a reptile, like a snake. Dead, empty eyes. Black the were black and he commented on it too. He would say (as his eyes were hazel) – ‘I am feeling a bit better my eyes are getting more colour to them’… it would really scare me. Colour draining from the face too. I wondered how was that possible? I did sometimes wonder if he was ‘possessed’ when that was happening?
…”as though he was a statue” – I know what you mean! That emotionless stare scared me too. But it also made me fall out of love in an instant and never go back. I knew what he was then (I called him “emotionally dead”), although I didn’t have the word yet. Pictures are also revealing! I had noticed from the first one we had taken that his eyes weren’t smiling, only the mouth, but I rationalized it of course. At the very least, we are a little wiser after this painful experience. Take care!
I met one who did that too…. stared straight ahead like a deer caught in headlights
I have finally broken the chains! My goal now is to regain the respect of my children and grandchildren. Once the toughest bitch my son new, now in his eyes the victim of a sociopath. I AM NOT A VICTIM! I love to hard, I care to much and I have spent to many yrs trying to save and love someone that was incapeable of returning the feeling… 30 yrs! But not one more minute. I have finally reached the point that I feel sad for his new victim. Never in a million years did I dream that would happen. I Expended energy trying to warn her, trying to save her from the pain that I have experienced. Unfortunately she has to feel her own pain, has to have her own experiences. On march 21st 2016 I told my son I was taking back my life. That was the best day of my life and my 54th birthday. Today something happened that I realized was MUCH more important then waisting my energy on his life. Today forward my life is about what matters! Thank you positive girl… Best article I could have read!
I googled pathological lying and there he was, in all his messed up glory. I found your page and it helped me more than anything. You always seem to update JUST when I needed a reminder to stop thinking about him or dealing with him. I’ve been NC completely 100% my choice for almost 10 months. No plans on ever dealing with him again. I’ve finally moved on, am physically and mentally happy again and my real self again and I will never go back to his vampire lying ways. Sucked me dry of almost everything and now I can see him clearly for who he is and will always be. You have been a large part of my recovery and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
Aw thank you B, it is so good to see/hear that you are in such a place/space, and back to enjoying life. Sure he is still out there being a vampire and sucking the life out of someone else who thinks they have a prize 🙂
Someone said to me last year, “You don’t have to visit pain anymore. You don’t need to visit pain in order to resolve it” and that was somehow the final thing I needed in order to stop completely. He caused me to have chronic physical pain and no one, ever again, will make me physically sick. As a result, I have set boundaries and limits with everyone in my life and I have more peace, calm and happiness than I think I ever have. If he hadn’t hurt me as much as he did, I don’t know I would have ever come this far. I don’t credit him with anything though, I credit ME for being strong enough to endure what he did and overcome it and get even better. Thank you again 🙂 XO
-B
Well done you! 🙂 Yay to success! 🙂
I googled pathological lying and there he was, in all his messed up glory. I found your page and it helped me more than anything. You always seem to update JUST when I needed a reminder to stop thinking about him or dealing with him. I’ve been NC completely 100% my choice for almost 10 months (it took two years to get to completely be able to block him entirely). No plans on ever dealing with him again. I’ve finally moved on, am physically and mentally happy again and my real self again and I will never go back to his vampire, woe is me, lying ways. Sucked me dry of almost everything and now I can see him clearly for who he is and will always be. You have been a large part of my recovery and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
– B
oops somehow I posted twice 🙂
I always knew something was wrong. I was told it was me but I knew it wasn’t true. I don’t remember how it happened but I found an article on Wikipedia. Some of the light was turned pn. But I went into denial because I was trapped now. No cure, no treatment unless the soc wants it.
When the eventual discard came, I found this site and I learned and healed. I got myself back again. I was not totally destroyed although the soc wanted that literally. There was that glowing ember of strength, hope, life, faith, light, and resilience that fanned back into full force when the evil was gone. Positive people and events, thoughts and feelings seemed to flood back into my life. I am here again. I am better and stronger and healthier. I have hope again!
This is the site that helped me grow and learn. I bow my head to Positivagirl in respect and gratitude.
Please those who are newly victimized, do not give up. You need to feel this pain and it is devastating but you can feel. There is nothing wrong with you. And it is because you can feel you will be able to heal in time.
Hi Pos,
I have to say Rose Colored Glasses opened my eyes a bit, although all your posts from years back were all eye opening and very informative. I to have been without this idiot for a long time now. I’m back to being me again. My daughter just had her 1st baby 3/23 a girl, life is good again. Thankyou for allowing myself to shine through.I hope all is well,with you Positiva and I hope your happy and doing fine. It does get better but it’s a process, I’ve been on quite a journey up until 10/7/2013 when he spent our 25 years together with someone else, anniversaries mean nothing to these hollow empty people and I remember you told me that to. I guess in a way I have been grieving for the past 25 yrs. when I look at pictures of myself I’m not happy. But that was the straw that broke the camels back our anniversary meant shit to him. So these 3 yrs. are wonderful, new life new granddaughter life’s good. I remain NO CONTACT but he was at the hospital when our daughter gave birth we were civil to each other but he was going out of his way to be nice to me but I will not get sucked in again, I don’t love him anymore. Well Thankyou again Positiva for e erything for all your knowledge you saved me and I live you for that….PEACE ❤
Aww how wonderful – CONGRATULATIONS to you on your new granddaughter, how wonderful. Oh my, how far you have come to be at the hospital, and you just switched off, not loving him anymore. This is brilliant. Am so pleased that you are happy, healthy and thriving. Awesome news! 🙂
Thankyou so much for everything your knowledge was so vital to me at that time in my life. Love you for it…I hope your happy now you deserve to be happy, jeeze everyone deserves to be happy only it never comes with a spat happiness is very short lived and it’s not even real, if we only knew this information before. Live and learn right Pos. How Phoenix (A war before) she always had great advice as well I hope she’s happy and healthy to….❤PEACE
Yes absolutely everyone deserves to be happy!! 🙂
I love this site and your posts above are perfect!!! I can’t remember what I read that made me realise that he has an illness, but it was definitely in this site!! I too started googling about the incessant lying (for me this included his name for 5years!! Which he still finds funny
Positiva – can you reassure me please…. Leopards don’t change their spots do they? The man who lied,cheated, manipulated me.. Will do that to others? He is so loving and warm to his new gf – just like he was with me – it crushes me
No Joelene. This is the illusion he gives to the outside world. When he was with you he gave the illusion he was in love with and treating you good too. This is a part of the game of illusion that they play.
Click to access npd.pdf
This article or should I say manual answered all my questions. What makes a narcissist tick….very good reading!
My eye-opening came from this article, http://www.waking-you-up.com/cluster-B.html It was called an “Idiots guide to a Cluster B”.
The paragraph that started with
“Your Cluster B partner has had a difficult life. He or she has had many a disservice done to him/her, and is probably carrying emotional scars from either failed relationships, business dealings which collapsed, or other disasters which have befallen him/her. You are the person who is there to help your Cluster B overcome these issues. You have accepted the ‘baggage’ your Cluster B brought into the relationship without question, and you feel it is your duty to help him/her overcome these problems and achieve their (amazing) potential.”
left me with my mouth wide open and the fog starting to clear from my eyes.
I don’t recall one particular article but I was searching for why someone would just cut off all contact. No response to anything. Then I came across Sociopath’s and it was a big “BINGO” for me. For me, it was the second time by the same guy, 29 years later. We dated when we younger, we actually went to HS together, he was a couple of years older than me. But started to date after I graduated. He did the same thing to me 29 years ago, but there wasn’t a name for it back then or at least I didn’t know it at 19.
Talk about feeling foolish. He spent a week roping me in and the next week hanging me with it.
Ive been out now, after eight years, for a little over two weeks. I was friends with this man first, gave him a home when he had no where else to go after he separated from his wife. Of course he blamed everything on her. Our friendship became intimate, and everything changed after that. Unlike what I have read, I didnt get a honeymoon phase. He treated me completely different after getting together. Literally from the very beginning. This man stole between 60 and 100 thousand dollars from his place of emoloyment and sold it under my Ebay account. Fortunately, the charges against me were dropped after completing the investigation. He even sold my parents a stolen laptop. I stayed. He told me he was a ranger in the army…lie. He has lied about it for 30 years. I stayed. He still hasnt told the truth to his kids/family. He brought scabies home and tried to convince me we got them from our dog…lie. Six months it took to get rid of them. I stayed. These things are just a few of what I endured over the last eight years. Let me clarify, I have left before, and went back after promises of he will do whatever he needed to make things right. Empty, empty promises. The counselor he had to see as a requirement of his probation, who we saw together as a couple and who I met with on my own was the one who finally said that he was a sociopath, and that I should have been gone a long time ago. (Not normal practise, but she could see how damaged I’d become.) With the help of my family, we moved me while he was at work. When I left before, he stalked and manipulated. I have been in the e-room twice for stress related symptoms in the last 5 years. I now have C-PTSD, and am on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. All the stress also sent me into early menopause, I’m 38. I am a shell of who I once was. Even after all of this, I struggle with missing him. How crazy does that sound? I dont even know what was real or not. I have a hard time wrapping my head around how someone who claims to love me so much can purposefully be so hurtful. Along with moving and leaving my relationship, I also quit my job. Monday I am starting a three month road trip around the country with the money I saved for us to move to California. I was the only one saving for our dreams/goals. Now I get to use it for one of MY dreams. I pray that nature, my way of feeling connected with God, brings healing to my heart and soul. I hope that this will help me become the woman I have always desired to be.
The first thing I want to say, is that people reading these comments might come to the inaccurate conclusion that almost all psychopaths are men, but that is simply not the case. I dated not one, but two *female* psychopaths, and the first time I ever understood what I was dealing with is when I described the pathological lying and stealing to an elderly neighbor, and she said “this girl sounds like a sociopath.”
I immediately went home and googled this term I’d heard of but never really educated myself about in detail, and then I read The Mask of Sanity by Hervey Cleckley, M.D. (the first book to correctly identify psychopathy as distinct mental condition, way back in 1941), followed by The Sociopath Next Door, and then everything I could find online written by Robert Hare and others.
In my experience, the female psychopaths can do even more damage than the men, because no one is expecting them to be what they are, most people are unlikely to believe that their lies and manipulations are real (the first one tried to turn all of my friends against me, and it almost worked because they refused to believe me when I told them what she had done – people almost always assume that the woman is the victim in every situation), and as a result they evade exposure and the legal system, going on to hurt even more people.
Here’s a list of just some of the things I can remember this girl doing:
– Wrote down my credit card number and then started using it all around NYC, first by charming the deli owner because he’d seen me with her, and going on to use it to buy lunch and massages for herself and her sister
– Must have observed where I kept an envelope with the cash I earned working for a nightclub once a week, and then started stealing $100 at a time out of it, hoping I wouldn’t notice
– Took a large collection of the best business cards I’d collected representing the most influential and important people I’d met in New York, and glued them into a “love letter scrapbook” she had made to try to impress another guy she liked who lived overseas, to make it look like she had MY social life, and had met all of these people I had met. She included a poem I had written and claimed authorship, she took photos I had taken and took the credit for them, she had a map of my neighborhood glued in where she had starred my address as “her studio” and my phone number as if it were her number. When I discovered this “love letter scrapbook” I had a Silence of the Lambs, “holy shit I am dealing with a whole other level of crazy right now” moment.
– She worked as a receptionist and assistant at a Manhattan plastic surgery office, and I found evidence that when patients paid cash, she just kept it for herself and destroyed the invoice so there was no record of it. She also stole a business check and made it out to herself for $10,000, but subtly changed her middle name and handwriting so she would have plausible deniability. She hadn’t cashed it yet, and was saving it for an emergency. She also stole drugs and syringes used in cosmetic procedures, and maybe other types of drugs.
After I busted her for stealing from me, and told her she would not be allowed back into my apartment and would have to find another place to live, things really got crazy:
– She reprogrammed her phone to attach my name to a different number, then must have tricked someone into calling her repeatedly while in the presence of one or more of my friends. She said to my friend “SEE! He won’t stop calling and harassing me! He’s the liar and the abuser!” The friend got so angry at me based on her lies that he threatened to destroy some musical instruments of mine that he was storing in his office. I finally proved to him she was lying when her final cell phone bill showed up with her call log. No record of me calling her!!!
– She threatened to go to my place of employment and tell them whatever it took to get me fired from my job
– Before I locked her out and told her to leave, but after I knew what she was up to, she stayed at my apartment against my permission when I was on vacation for a week, then lied about it (placing unauthorized charges on my credit card the entire time). I was literally in the taxi on the way home from the airport when she called and told me that detectives had stopped by my place, coincidentally when she just happened to be “checking the mail,” and she claimed there was an open criminal investigation into me and some of my friends. LIES, ALL OF IT! I suppose her motivation was to put me into a state of fear to divert my attention away from the fact that SHE was the criminal and liar.
I could continue, but this comment got a lot longer than I was expecting. Beware the female psychopath, because they get away with a lot more and for a lot longer due to their privileged status as a female in the USA.
I found the youtube site “begood4000” and this video in the link below helped a great deal. I finally understood what I was dealing with. Very informative youtube channel.
btw …I left him !! I
I am happy again 🙂
You can be too !
Kia Kaha
Thank you katts
this article probably saved me from going completely insane:
http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath
This page links back to my site as a resource! 🙂
excellent! i’m sure thats how i got here… i feel like i’m in frenzy right now putting the scattered pieces of my life back together. i really can’t tell you how much your site has helped me. thank you. i will try to breath now.
Write if it helps. Your experiences will help someone else. I am sure.
Thanks Positivagirl!
Exit Strategy written by you was the article that gave me the bingo moment for sociopath i was married to. That article is written as if it is my story written by you in advance. I could so relate it to myself and hence it was very helpful for me to take further decisions. I still have a hint of trauma bond but I am sure it will fade away eventually.
That article blew me away, many years later when we did finally split. The same pattern repeated. The same pattern would always repeat. It is like they are born with the same user manual.
Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self Love. http://samvak.tripod.com/indexqa.htm. Brilliant stuff (he’s a narcissist himself). Lots of YouTube videos for those of you who prefer that medium. He hits every nail on the head. Also helpful because he distinguishes between different sorts of narcissists (cerebral and somatic, for instance, are very different creatures). I don’t remember how I found it but over 8 months I had probably Googled every single trait separately and still couldn’t figure it out until I arrived at Vaknin’s site.
Yes i have liked a lot of his work. Thank you for sharing valerie.
You’re welcome! This has been a really helpful site for me, so thank you again. It’s great to find a place to talk to others who have had similar experiences.