Thank You M for taking the time to share your story!!
This is a story of heartbreak and eventual acceptance of my experience. I write this story not as way to retaliate against my former partner, but as a cathartic measure to help me process what has happened to me, and in an effort to help someone else. If it is possible for this story to help just one person after a relationship with a sociopath, my experience will have been worthwhile. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. This experience will eventually make me a stronger person. I will not be taken advantage of, or open my heart again to someone I cannot fully trust. I now know the signs of a sociopath and will never have to experience this type of heartache again.
Unlike many of the stories that I have read written by victims of sociopaths/psychopaths I don’t bear my former partner any ill will. His social disability is beyond his control. I admit that I still love him, will always love him, and miss him terribly. My love for him is real, even if his for me was not. I do however recognize that he does not have the ability to love as I do, feel intimacy, or feel guilt for his actions as others do. I feel very sorry for him, and truly wish there was a cure for his situation.
I am in no way a professional writer. My story may seem disjointed and not well written; however I will give it my best effort. I am also not medically trained so the diagnosis that my former partner (whom I will now call X) is a sociopath comes from extensive reading, online community groups and feedback from a psychologist I am currently seeing as a result of my former relationship. I may be incorrect in identifying him as a sociopath; I will let you decide yourself after reading my story.
I will also state, I am no angel. I did some things that were improper, and I accept responsibility for my actions. I am however a good person by nature. I am loving and trusting to a fault. I have a large group of incredible friends, an amazing family and support that most people can only dream of.
Fair warning, this epistle is a long read, so grab a cup of tea and relax. Read on, if you feel you are in or have been in a relationship with a sociopath. This read will be worth your while.
A little about myself first; I am a 48 year old gay male, that came out late in life. I was married to a woman for 19 years and have two beautiful children that were the result of that marriage. I was never with a male (or anyone else for that matter) when married, and was faithful to my wife of 19 years. The marriage simply ended. Once I had tried sex with a male, it was apparent that that was my sexual preference. I live in a small lake front community where I am deeply committed to community service and my town. I am on multiple boards and communities, and am politically involved. Benefitting my community is part of the core of my existence. I am extremely outgoing, have always been a confident individual with a contagious laugh and a positive outlook. I suffered from massive depression as a result of what has happened to me. I was suicidal on a number of occasions (I cannot say I am out of the woods yet, I still have very dark thoughts.) I prepared my will, planned the method of ending my pain, an honestly had no will to live. I still struggle emotionally, have difficulty in large groups and spend little time with my dear friends.
I was originally introduced to X after chatting with him on a gay dating/pick up application. I had just returned from a weekend away in Vegas and was spending one last evening at a friend’s home in a border town, not far from my own small town. X and I had chatted previously on the app, however on this evening it was I that contacted him. Honestly I was looking for sex that evening, and in fact forwarded several graphic pictures to entice him to meet me. We did not meet that evening, however continued to chat using the online application. Eventually we decided to have an actual date which occurred the following weekend.
I will state that I was aware of who X was prior our first meeting. I dated a former boyfriend of X prior to our initial meeting. During the date with Xs former boyfriend, our previous relationships were discussed. I knew going into any relationship with X that his relationship with this person ended due to trust issues. X would leave a date with him and immediately log onto sex and pick up sites. I did however decide to proceed with my meeting with X. At the very least I was hoping to have sex, and as arrogant as it sounds, I could never imagine anyone ever cheating on me on me.
Our first date was not a typical one. I invited X to a local community event that happens regularly in my town. X met me at my home; we had a beer or two and then went to the event. I was immediately very attracted to X. He is in my opinion one of the most attractive individuals I have ever met. I still find him attractive, even after what happened. X is 12 years my junior. X was extremely charismatic, and interacted well with both me and my friends. We did in fact drink too much that night. X ended up staying over at my home, and we had sex on the first night.
From that point on, we spent every weekend together for the next approximately 8 mos. Most weekends X came to my home, but occasionally I would go to his. I often I would drive to his place mid week to meet with him.
Within a very short period of time I fell deeply in love with X. Again I will mention I find him extremely attractive. He is intelligent, and a medical professional. It does not happen often in my experience that you meet someone in the gay community that is attractive, established and well balanced (that was my impression for a very long time).
X was very unhappy in his job, and as a result was seeking employment elsewhere. During the next several months I forwarded him job postings on a regular basis that were posted in my area. Again, I was desperately in love. I wanted nothing more than to have him in my community and be able to spend more time with him. As a result X did accept one of the jobs that I forwarded to him, in small town not far from my home.
Within a year of meeting X he accepted the role and we decided that he would move into the home that I occupied with my two children. At the time both kids were away at university and college. They were often home weekends and spent the summer living with us in my house. (this was a bone of contention with X, as he did not like my children and was jealous of my relationship with them. He often told me he felt he came in a second position of my affections).
A point to mention is that the weekend prior to X moving to my home I spent the evening with him at his rented apartment. During that visit I found condoms and lubricant out, on a dresser in his bedroom. I did find this odd as at this point in our relationship. We had both been tested for HIV, advised each other that we were committed to each other, and that there would be no one else. We were having unprotected sex. When questioned about it, X told me he was using them for personal use. I did find this odd, however will remind you that I was blinded by love.
I mentioned the finding my friend G (a wonderful friend that I chat with almost daily). I was concerned that I was acting paranoid and untrusting, which is not my nature. G advised me to do what I thought was right and follow my heart. I did so and let the matter pass, deciding to trust X and our relationship.
In hind sight, now knowing what I do, I should have followed my instincts.
Prior to X moving in, we decided to make my home ours. I wanted X to feel welcome in the house that he was moving into, and the home I thought we would spend the rest of our lives in. We discarded many of my possessions and painted almost my entire house in colors we chose together. Additionally I had family photos produced of his family members and placed them strategically in the house in an effort to make him feel more at home.
A note to mention is that after making one bi-weekly payment towards living expenses X asked if he could please not make household payments as he wanted to pay down his student debt. I readily agreed as I thought we would be spending our lives together. I felt that in the end our assets would joint so paying down his debt would help us both. X did help out financially. He often paid for groceries, and dinners out, auto repairs, minor home repairs and actually purchased groceries and gifts for my children. He also made one more biweekly mortgage payment towards the end of our relationship. It should be identified however that his living expenses were very low for the period we were together, especially in consideration of the fact that he has a very good income.
At one point X actually paid for me and my children to spend an evening at a fun park. Knowing what I know now, and what he was doing in my absence the gesture certainly seems less magnanimous.
Somehow after our relationship was over I am in a worse place financially than I was when it started?
For the following 9 months X and I lived together in my home. This was the happiest time of my life. I was deeply in love. I looked forward to waking up with him and greeting him at the end of my work day. I would often lie in bed and watch him sleep, thanking God for my blessings. The best part of my day was rubbing his bum at night we fell asleep.
I integrated X into my life, my friends, and my family. I opened myself to him fully.
Although I was gay, I was not openly gay prior to X. Before X moved in I admitted to my family, including extended family that I was a homosexual. I thought that my new life with X was worth that admittance. My family, specifically my mother were shocked, however as it turned out everyone in my life just wanted me to be happy. It was apparent to all that I was very happy with X.
Within a few months of X moving in, our sex life declined. When we had sex it was always more than satisfactory for me, however the frequency declined dramatically. I now feel that is because he was being satisfied elsewhere, although X denies this vehemently. It is also an indication of sociopathy. He had achieved his goal of obtaining my affections, so there was no reason to share himself with me in that way.
Our first incident of true deception happened about two months after X and I began living together. We were at friends one sunny afternoon sitting outside having a beer when I noticed a message pop up on his phone. The message was forwarded via a sex pick up site. This is not a typical dating site, it is designed specifically for sex, and is most often used by partnered and married men. I was devastated and furious. I advised X to grab his things get in the car. During the drive to my home I addressed the issue. He told me he was looking elsewhere because he thought I would leave him. I advised him that I was extremely happy, would never leave him or look for anyone else. He was all I ever wanted and more. Upon reaching my home we agreed that there would be no more dating applications or pick up sites in our lives. He readily agreed and we ended up making mad passionate love.
I will also note now that X hated when I called it making love. He advised it was something we did, it was a physical thing. As distasteful as I found this, I let the matter drop.
There is a side story to this incident. About a week prior to this happening I received a text from a man in my town. He contacted me and wanted to know if I was interested in sex, and that he was struggling with his sexuality. I told him no, I was not interested in sex, that I was extremely happy with my relationship and was not seeking anything else. I did tell him I could provide him with a 1 800 gay help line to help him deal with his sexuality.
Unfortunately I did not tell X about the messages. I admit this was a mistake. I should have told him immediately. Honesty is part of any relationship; however I did not see the event as significant. Rather than wait for me to forward the information as promised, this man he showed up at our house unannounced looking for the 1 800 help number. He arrived when we had friends over. After the man left with the promise I would forward the number to him, I advised all, including my friends, why he had showed up. X was furious with me for not telling him and used this as his reason for going onto the sex pick up site. Again, he told me he thought I was looking elsewhere. I now know this to be an lie. He had in fact been on the site for long time.
It should also be noted that I did forward the 1 800 number to the man, and that the man again texted about a month later. He wanted to know if X and I were interested in a threesome. I again advised no, and told X immediately. I had nothing to hide. I was happy.
Shortly after this event I received a message via face book from a friend of mine in a local community advising me that he had seen X on yet another dating site. I advised the friend that we had just discussed X
looking elsewhere and he promised to stop. I now know that it did not stop, and he continued using this site, along with many others. He has continues this practice to this day.
As it turns out, X is on many sites consistently. He has multiple profiles on multiple sites. Many are in my opinion disgusting in nature. Some are profiles where he is looking for a Daddy, others strictly just looking for random sex and many where he is simply looking to be used by men.
About six months after X moved in I lost my job. It was the result of my own stupidity and further trust in another individual at my former workplace. I lost my professional position in an industry I have been working in for most of my adult life.
One of the first conversations X and I had after the job loss was him telling me that he loved me but he would not jeopardize himself financially because of the loss of income. This was of course difficult for me because I would have done anything for him. We did have subsequent conversations where he committed to helping me and ensuring I got back on my feet, but I now know, as you will read later, he was already looking to move on. This was just another example of his ability to blatantly lie.
During the entire time we were together X would drive an hour to another community to use a gym. Although I found this odd, X claimed he hated our local gyms and he was a lifetime member of this franchise of gyms. He would often stay late after work (that was his claim, but I now question how many times he did actually attend the gym). I now know that the gym franchise has a reputation as “pick up” sex locations. Near the end of our relationship I did ask X to stop using the gym, however he advised he would not do so as he was a life member. Warning bells should have rung loud and clear for me.
About a month before Christmas I again found sex pick up applications on his phone. At this point I should have ended things, but I was in love. We talked again about the use of the applications, and he again promised he would delete them and not use them. Although he did delete the icon from his phone, I now know he did not close the accounts and continued to use them.
At this point I was highly suspicious. I asked him if he was leaving or looking elsewhere and he openly lied that he was not. One evening when I was bartending at a local bar (I do that part time) he was out with some of my friends. My friend asked him if he was leaving me (my friend and I had chatted about my concerns) and he openly lied to her that he had no intentions of leaving. He can lie without compunction, and is very convincing.
As it turns out he was actually looking elsewhere and planned on moving out, regardless of his admissions of love or our future together. I dated more than one person after X’s departure that he had been in contact with. His story was always the same to them. He had a room mate, was looking to move out and was seeking gym buddies. I did in fact see many of the messages and graphic pictures he forwarded. They occurred months prior to his departure.
One night about a week before Christmas we were out with friends. As a result he slept in the following morning. Because he was still asleep and I was suspicious I looked at his phone again. It was riddled with connections in his phone list of guys he had been talking with. We had friends stay over that night, so as a result I had to wait until they left and then told X our relationship was over. He had to move out. He packed a bag and left that morning.
The following week was one of the darkest I could ever remember. I was miserable. I could not believe someone would lie to me and cheat on me. I couldn’t eat, and couldn’t sleep. I was desperate and despondent. He claimed he was just chatting but had never met anyone. I am a total Christmas junky. I love the season and go completely overboard, with everything from food to decorations. I was completely heartbroken. I actually took down my decorations on Christmas day.
During this period I too opened dating and pick up sites, I was devastated and wanted to lash back. To my dismay I found that during this entire time X continued his use of applications and pick up sites. Despite the
fact that he portrayed to his family that he was despondent, his use of the sites not only continued but increased.
The evening of Christmas day we texted numerous times and decided to talk in person.
He came to our former home, and we discussed our relationship. He told me he was looking elsewhere because he was unhappy for a period of time, but was again committed. He was in love, and the site use was over. I again, took him back. We again made mad passionate love, and I was never happier to have him back in my life. I actually texted his family and thanked them for supporting him when he was gone and told them how happy I was to have X back.
The evening we reunited, my daughter arrived home in extreme distress. She was in tears. She had admitted to her long time boyfriend that she had committed infidelity on him once during the summer. She planned on moving in with her boyfriend and wanted to go into her committed relationship with a clean slate. Her boyfriend was furious with her. I held my daughter in my arms, and told her she had made a mistake but was not a bad person. Love could conquer all, and she did the right thing by telling the truth. The best thing she could do was to give it time, be true to him and love him. X stood and overheard/watched this whole conversation but it apparently did not sink in or affect him.
During this period I had regular conversations again with my friend G. G was very open about his opinions and advised me he thought that X was a bad person and not deserving of me. He advised me to do as I wished but X was no friend of his and was no longer welcome in his home. I did not follow Gs advise and welcomed X back into my life.
Over the next few days X was off work as it was the Christmas vacation period. We had a very enjoyable few days, and actually went to his families place to pick up the possessions that he had taken with him during our short term separation. While in the city that his family lives in, I recommended we go to a sex shop. My reasoning was that if he was not happy sexually perhaps we could do something to enhance what we had. When in the shop, I asked him what he wanted or was interested in? He became very agitated and angry with me and stormed out. He presents himself as very “vanilla”. I now know that is not the case; however he could not share himself fully sexually with me.
Other than that small incident, things went well over the next few days. Of course I was naive, because his messaging to other guys did not stop. I found out later he was in fact messaging guys while sitting on the sofa next to me during that period, while he was playing games on his laptop.
On the first day he returned to work after the holiday season we agreed that when he got home that night we would delete all sites together. We agreed we would be committed and all seemed back on track. That morning he texted me from his work and asked me to bring his laptop to him, he had forgotten it. I of course said yes and delivered it to him, along with coffee for both him and his coworkers. I was ecstatic to have him back in my life.
Upon returning home, I decided I would not wait for the evening and needed to delete all applications and sites from my life. Rather than use my own computer for some reason I decided to use his old laptop to delete my profiles. Upon opening one of the sites I noticed his account and password were there. Perhaps I shouldn’t have, but I logged into his account. To my total shock and despair I found that he had used his new laptop on the sex pick up site the entire work day and during our period of reconnection. Additionally I found that he had been issuing false cell phone numbers to these guys so he could chat via text. I also found that he had a personal email address he was using and giving to guys to share pictures and communications. I was devastated to learn he had been communicating on the sites and looking for sex dating back months.
I kept copies of all communications and screen shots of all messages sent via his laptop. I then contacted him told him to come home and we needed to talk.
I still have access to all of his communications and pictures. I cannot bear to look at them; they are actually stored electronically with a friend of mine. I keep them in fear of retribution from X. The confirmation of his use of the sights, especially during work hours could be very damaging to him. I have no intention of ever using that information; however it gives me a feeling of security to know that I have access to them.
He did come home, and believe it or not, I was still willing to forgive him and take him back. I was so in love that I allowed myself to be belittled this way. I am now disgusted with my own behavior. Upon finding out everything I knew, he became very angry and in the end it was him that said he could not be with me anymore. I believe this is because he was so caught up in his lies he could not see a way out.
It was now over. I packed all his belongs and put them into my garage until he found somewhere to live. We have seen each other briefly twice. Once occurred when he stopped in to check the house to see if I had missed packing anything, and once on his final moving day. He actually brought his whole family with him moving day, so that I would not address his infidelity.
Following was a period of complete and utter despair. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I did some desperate things. I noticed he had a new man on his face book. I messaged him (a total stranger) and warned him about X. I created false profiles on his pick up sites to berate him. I messaged his only friend at her work asking her to help him and get him to seek professional help. I tracked his whereabouts on the sex and dating applications (most have location finders to make it easier to pick up) and had friends following his whereabouts as well. Additionally, I contacted each of the site individuals he had “favorited” and had been in contact with.
Believe it or not, I still loved him. My actions are inexcusable and humiliating.
Since that time I have done a lot of back ground work and investigation around the lifestyle and history of X.
Many of the messages he was sending were absolutely disgusting and degrading in nature. I found that X had ”daddy” issues. He was messaging men 20 to 30 years older than him. X is a man in his late 30s he is not a boy. He messaged a number of men in my own small town, where I am supposedly a respected member of the community. They know who both he and I are. I am deeply embarrassed.
Many of the individuals he messaged have forwarded me copies of his communications historically and subsequent to our break up. I have been advised by one of the individuals following his actions (and communicating with him on my behalf) that he was dating someone in another local town who was devastated when he decided to reunite with me at Christmas. X claims he never met with anyone.
I was desperate to find out the truth, as I had heard nothing but lies from X. I felt if I could learn the truth I could come to some kind of resolution. As mentioned, I contacted each of the contacts I had taken screen shots of from his computer. After communicating with them, each told me he had not met with him. I however am confident that each of the individuals contacted X first to find out what I knew and how to respond to me. I did however have a communication with one of his contacts that claims he did meet with him but decided not to proceed. This contact was more concerned about getting his graphic pictures back than protecting X. I am of the belief that if you have met with one, you will meet others, and that he did have sexual contact with more than one individual.
During my back ground work I had the opportunity to speak with former friends and co workers. It was from one of those individuals, someone who is in a position to offer sound medical judgment that originally mentioned the concept of X being a sociopath. I did not believe the allegation at first, however upon further reading, I support their diagnosis.
Why do I feel he is a sociopath? I have done considerable reading on the subject, and X meets almost all of the criteria. Additionally, as mentioned I am currently seeing a psychologist. Although she cannot diagnose him without meeting him, she does confirm he meets all of the criteria. My psychologist is a specialist in the field of sociopaths. She does in fact diagnose individuals on behalf of our legal system.
As a piece of information for those reading this far, she advised there is no clinical difference between a sociopath and a psychopath. They are simply terms to represent the same social dysfunction.
-Sociopaths have heightened levels of deceitfulness.
X is able to lie without compunction, and feels no guilt about it.
-Sociopaths often use aliases.
X has multiple profiles on multiple sites with multiple names and numerous false phone numbers.
-Sociopaths have an inability to follow social norms and often violate the law. They have few friends.
X has literally no friends. When he entered my life he became friends with my friends but had none of this own. He does not have the ability to maintain friendships for any length of time. He has not attempted contact with anyone that he considered or considered him a friend.
In hind sight I should have seen this as a warning sign. X is constantly on his phone either looking at sites or messaging. He cannot use the washroom without taking his phone with him. I should have recognized this as an issue as he had no close friends to message?
-Sociopaths are charming until they have what they need and there is nothing more to be obtained from others.
X is extremely charming. He fooled me, my friends and my family.
-Sociopaths mimic others in order to assimilate
X will often take on the characteristics of others that he is with. It is very endearing until investigated further and will instantly take on the characteristics of others to “fit in”.
-Sociopaths display aggressiveness
X often wishes harm to others. I have often heard him say he wanted to “burn down their house” or “I will destroy them”. He often gets instantly angry. This was one of our inside “jokes”. My son has anger issues and I often told X I was uniquely qualified to live with X as I had raised my son.
-Sociopaths display a lack of empathy for others or situations they have caused.
X has never apologized for his behavior and blames our relationship breakdown on me. All issues in his life are the fault of others. He has a reputation of being arrogant and aloof at his former place of work.
Once while on a mini vacation with his family he had a huge verbal disagreement with his sibling that he instigated. As a result he disowned his family, having no contact and casually ‘shut off his feelings for them”. I was ashamed for him about the way that he treated his family and spoke about them. I attempted several times to get him to have contact with his family. Family is critically important to me. He showed no care and wanted nothing to do with them until he received a message that his sibling was having emergency surgery. He did fly to her side when he was notified, but I now feel that was because he knew he would need to rely on his family soon.
-Sociopaths show a lack of respect for others or their safety.
X placed both of our lives in danger and received dangerous driving charge for cutting off other cars and crossing multiple lanes of traffic at once, because another driver’s behavior angered him. I actually paid for the legal representation for this charge, which was considerable. I was never compensated.
-Sociopaths often have problems with the law
When younger X he had problems with the police after stealing his father’s vehicle and hiding it
-Sociopaths are often sexually promiscuous, often seeking unsafe sex and are thrilled by random sex acts
This one is obvious
-Sociopaths have an incapacity for love.
X never said I love you first, he would reply but I now know it was only so I would hear what I wanted
-Sociopaths have unrealistic life plans
X is constantly looking at high end cars and huge homes, regardless of his ability to pay for them. He is constantly looking for something better and cannot be satisfied with what he has. We often talked about homes he was searching on the internet that are far out of both of our income levels.
-Sociopaths generally have had something traumatic happen to them in their early pubescent years
X became a diabetic in his early teens. He does not manage his diabetes despite the fact his he is a medical professional.
One of the few times I saw into his inner self was after one of his many diabetic reactions. I fed him sugar and cleaned him up. He looked into my eyes and told me he loved me. I believe for that brief period he actually felt deep emotion. It is a time I can actually look back on fondly.
X did not have a relationship with his father and in fact his father did not speak to him for a number of years. (This may or not be true, and could in fact be yet another of his fabrications.)
Sociopaths have intimacy issues
X does not like to be touched intimately and cannot commit to a relationship for any period of time.
Sociopaths are naturally attracted to outgoing personalities.
I have always been very outgoing and popular and have the natural ability to interact with others. I can generally “read” people and have an intuitive ability to sense the good in people. This is part of the reason I was so devastated. I don’t understand how I could have possibly been so fooled.
Sociopaths use the practice of “gaslighting” to change the personality or influence their partner.
As mentioned I have always been fairly confident in all my dealings. That is no longer the case. I somehow feel less.
When X and I began our relationship I was on a pedestal, after the relationship I was over, I was accused of being mentally ill, and was told I needed help. Thank heavens I did seek help, and can see clearly now.
When X and I began our relationship I was all that X wanted in a partner, by the end I was told regularly I needed to go the gym and there was always some “little” thing I didn’t do right or say. At the start of the relationship we drove my car everywhere. By the end X has purchased a new vehicle and mine was a “piece of junk”. At the beginning of our relationship I had a very beautiful home. By the end it was too small, needed new flooring, and an update. (my home is newly constructed and it is less than 5 years old. I designed it and had it built to exactly my specifications). The list goes on, but the end result is: me feeling like less of a person, especially in light of the infidelity.
A break up after a relationship with a sociopath has been identified as one of the most difficult to recover from and often takes years to recover. I have been devastated and for months and have been unable to think of little else. I have been unable to concentrate, and although I am an avid I reader cannot complete more than a paragraph. I have lost considerable weight and have lost the “light” and outgoing personality I have always had.
I am recovering. Seeking professional help has been a boon; however I have lost my former sense of self assurance and faith in myself.
My reading on the subject of sociopaths has indicated to eliminate any reminders of our time together and discontinue any form of contact. I have removed all reminders of him from my life and blocked both his phone and email address. I did however send him one final email a short time ago to advise him I forgave him. I personally need to forgive in order to move forward with my life. After sending the email I again blocked receiving emails from him.
It is my sincere hope that my story can be of benefit to some else. If they can recognize the signs, perhaps