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Dating a Sociopath 
I’ve dated a sciopath that killed his mother, after i dated him…..another guy that was a pediphile.. i was MARRIED to him i figured this out after he endered his &*()$%ness to my daughter….OH wait…..HIS &**)ing daughter…..is the @#$%ing pediophile a sociopath?
Are you serious?
That must have been pretty scary!!!
I have read research where they said that a lot of peodophiles are psychopaths.
ya i believe he is a psychopath. The worst part is he is still in my daughters life and i can’t do anything about it..she won’t admit anything happpened. AND he had another little girl with his new usupecting wife and i can’t help her. So many times i’ve tried to come up with a way to blow him in….i get nothing. i’ve learned to except the things i cannot change from gaining the understanding of how to change the things i can.
Have you ever watched a film called Trust? It’s about this girl who becomes victim to sexual abuse. I just thought about your blog because the predatory elements you’ve discussed come up throughout the film.
The end of my relationship has been over for a few years, and yes, you are right when you say they come back. He has come back, but now re-married, and is all over the map: “I love you” on one day, “I miss you” on another. Lately, he is crude and crass, (which is unlike the classy man that I knew), and no longer cares what he says to me. Because I hold my ground, he finally knows that he has lost “his source” for good. But fortunately for me, he may act hurt, become sarcastic or defensive, always shifts blame, but is never in a rage.
Now for my question. A few years ago, this man was in the same house with his daughters and did what he had to do for them and that’s it Now, (and they are both on their own), he sees them every weekend and as much as he can during the week… has cookouts, family dinners, etc. I am at a loss here. I have read that they capable of being close to their families. Is this true?
Yes, because they see their family as part of them. Someone that they own. They are all different, and there are different types. You say that he is never in a rage, so I would assume, he is charismatic not distempered?
Am unsure what your question is? Is it can they be close to their families? Yes they can! As they see their family as someone who is owned by them, part of them.
I would imagine that the reason why he is doing the whole ‘I love you’ and then ‘I miss you’, is because he is trying to seduce you. They use those words to seduce, and when or if it doesn’t work, then treat you with disdain.
I would also imagine the reason that he is rude and crass is because he can. He is also testing the waters. Remember that sociopaths are always either doing:
Assessment
Seducing
Gaming
Ruining
Thank you so much. And yes, the question was about how he can “love” his two daughters, and “act” like the family man. I had a hard time wondering if it was really love. But make no mistake here, this man knows how intelligent I am, and regardless of how he is, yes charismatic, he knows he has lost me. This is most likely why he is backpedaling and trying to gain ground. It is only within the last couple of months that he has exposed himself, so now you know what I am feeling. I still can’t believe that none of it was real. I am struggling, just as we all have. I hope that some day I wake up and realize that many weeks have passed without one thought of him. I have a long way to go, but thank you for this website. At the very least, the knowledge is making me think clearly.
Hey Cindy,
I think that with his daughters, you have to see it as ‘ownership’ and ‘part of what he considers as rightfully his’ what he owns. If that makes sense?
You know how he has changed towards you, and is now talking to you differently? This is because he has another source for supply. How he is treating you and speaking to you, is because (in his mind) your source for supply for him is sex and nothings else. I know how hurtful this can be. It can be hard to wake up to the truth and the reality. No longer does he need to put on the other mask, because he has someone else that he is doing that to……
Try to focus on healing and recovery, love yourself, trust yourself, and realise that you really do deserve better!! 🙂
Hi Cindy!!
You sound a lot like me! I too, wish for the day that I wake up and he has not crossed my mind. It’s odd how they have a hold on us, although with us it is just mentally. I too was his source for sex. I think it is so hard to grasp that it was all fake. He should have been an actor because he played the part so well!! I really thought he had genuine feelings for me. But one red flag that bothered me but I ignored was I didn’t see the “love” for his kids. One time I went with him to buy his kids birthday presents (three of them fell in the same month) but other than that, I really don’t think he loved his kids. Altough I was his source for sex, I really think in time he would have started asking me for money (which he would not have received a dime). But who knows? I’m glad he is out of my life, but I wish he didn’t invade my thoughts and even my dreams! What’s sickening to me is that he will never learn nor feel the pain that I have.
I have come to the sex conclusion all along as it is the only way of talking to him that sparks any interest. And I should tell you that he lied when we broke up, walked away with no explanation because he had a new source (he never admitted it, nor will he ever), and he married that source (as you so aptly put in the ownership rule in your posts). Then he contacted me again… trouble in paradise? Of course. She must have shut him off… and so the “I love yous and the I miss yous” start. Please know this about me. I have not lost one thing about my life due to this man. I was always smart enough to just give him my body, but not my common sense or my mind, and yes, there were mixed up for a while, but common sense always prevailed. Now, because I loved the myth for so long, that is the only thing I am still sorting out, but as you can see from reading your posts, you are helping me, and every day that I read, I feel better, and my mind is becoming clear, and I am able to push it all out so much better! I can’t thank you enough. XXX OOO
Aw Thank you Cindy, I am so sorry, I have only just seen this post. I am pleased that what I write helps you. That is the good thing about dating them, in that they all follow the same pattern of behaviour, whilst those who haven’t experienced it, can’t understand. Those who have, we all understand each other!!
It really means a lot to me, to get your feedback. Thank you!!!
It seems I have to sign up separately for each blog you write. Can you tell me how I can receive any and all responses?
I don’t know the answer to that one Cindy. Usually most of the writing is on this blog. I hadn’t thought that people might want to read the others, as they are different blogs, on different topics. I wish I knew the answer but unfortunately, I don’t. Sorry 😦
Hi.. thanks for creating this website, I love your texts.
I have a question, which is about myself. Twice in my life I have felt “in love” with sociopaths. These two men fulfill so many of the characteristics of sociopaths, I have little doubt about their own sociopathy. However, both relationships, which lasted more than a year, ended with no closure: they had a brief conversation saying it was over, in which I was so stunned I could not even reason, and then cut off any conversation about what had happened between us. Here comes my question, though. In both cases, I spent months writing emails to them explaining how I felt, how sad I was (which I really was… I was crying every night for months…) begging to talk to them, I called their phone more than I should, asking for an explanation of what happened: was all a lie? would we ever get back together? I felt like going to their houses too, because I was so upset about all that was happening. Does that make me a sociopath too? 😦 Or is it their way of making it seem like I am the sociopath not them?
Hey Lucy,
NO!! This does NOT make you a sociopath too!! You have the right to have closure. You spent a year of your life with someone, even if people split, even if it ends rowing. That is something.
To have NOTHING. Is devastating. I really know this one. I dated 3 in a row. The first did this. In fact he did it twice to me. I too contacted him – (I was pregnant with his baby) he lied to people about me, pretended that I was crazy. After 3 months in pregnancy, he came back. Without word, or real apology. Moved in. I had no clue the things that he had been saying about me behind my back. Over the next two months, it was starting to become clear. I observed it, and noted it. Of course he also had how I was being with pregnancy hormones to use as ‘his thread of truth’ of evidence.
After 3 months of not talking to me in pregnancy, I was about to move house. He had just moved house – but he was burgled, and I later heard that his van was threatened to be petrol bombed, he started staying at mine, on the pretence that he was moving in. Told me every day that he ‘loved me’, i had no clue that this was all a lie, and that he was staying at mine not paying a penny.
Suddenly, without warning our daughter died right at the end of pregnancy. He was great in the hospital. Promised to look after me. So I left the hospital early. I was of course devastated (had had a C section), next day he went out smoking pot with his friends. Just left me in the house alone. I was stunned.
he continued to do that for days. I was so hurt and so upset. Then he just left. Without word or explaination. From being in love to having a family – to bang, he was gone, and our daughter was gone too.
He never checked to see if i was ok. Never heard from him at all again. I was so shocked and so stunned.
I felt EXACTLY how you did. I wanted answers why it didn’t make sense? Behind my back he lied about me, he even lied about our daughter too….. but i wasn’t to hear this until 2 years later.
After this, I met a distempered psychopath. After that I met a charismatic sociopath. All 3 of them did the following ‘idealise, devalue, discard’ …… the final one the charismatic one, I am still friends with today, as he did undo damage of what had happened before.
I don’t usually write about it here. But i wanted to, to explain to you, that NO you are not the crazy one!! It is so easy to turn it around on you. Make out that it is you. Then you are left defending yourself, and because you are so upset, you appear crazy, reinforcing their lies.
It is NOT normal, to suddenly just cut contact with someone. To make you feel like you are worthless. An explanation costs nothing. Nothing, but – Time and respect for another human being.
To not do so, shows a real lack of –
Empathy
Remorse
Guilt
Shame
But unfortunately those are traits that psychos do not have. I hope that this has helped you, as you know what, it has helped me to write this to you!! 🙂
Do you mind if I put this as a post Lucy? As I have also had two emails today about the same topic. So, I think maybe I should put it as a post… if that is ok with you?
Hi,
Firstly i find your blog/posts very informative and helpful, thanks to you and other readers to post their lessons learnt and experiences.
I have done quite a bit of research on the pathology of Sociopaths, since i realised my Ex BF has most traits of BDP and NDP (only after the break up, sadly).
Like most of you guys, i had a magical start end like a nightmare.
I have a few questions – Do Sociopaths/pwBDP;
1. Long desperately for companionship or love??
He used to cry incessantly for his parents/grandparents who love him a lot, and feeling homesick or he would say he missed me (LDR). He would always be drinking when he cries like a river? He longed for having a wife in his life?? He expressed his interest to marrying me in 1 month into the relationship (he feared aging alone). He got engaged to a new girl within 2 months after the break up (marrying her next month)
2. Apply ‘No Contact’ rule immediately after they break up (he broke up with me)?? He literally stopped calling me, texting me or emailing me since he told me to never-ever contact him ( i was unsuccesfull to act NC with him though)
3. Cry watching sad movies? (rarely- but one or two about ‘mothers’)
4. Show disinterest to do the regular things that we enjoyed doing before – like go out for drinks/dinners, shopping, meet friends. Also, say ‘No’ to sex because they are ‘not in the mood’ or say ‘what’s wrong if i say No’??
Please could you throw some light on that….
Sorry for the typo – it’s BPD and NPD..
I am unsure what your question is? As BPD is very different to Sociopathy? They share similar traits – but are very different.
This site is about dating a sociopath (I understand BPD and NPD too), but – that is not what I am writing about here?
Hi,
I am trying to understand if this person is a Sociopath, or much more directed to a specific disorder.
I have read about the pathology of Sociopaths and i believe he might be one… but i wanted to get your thoughts on the questions i have…
Sorry if i sound muddled but since i have been following your posts and found it helpful to understand his behavior… i am a bit confused on some things…
Hope to hear from you on this.
Hi Mia,
I think the important thing, is to understand that this person, if the relationship ended and left you feeling bad, has their own issues. What they are, without a formal diagnosis, cannot be said. It is good and healthy to understand, as it helps with healing.
Ultimately you cannot change their behaviour, and as you are no longer together, it cannot affect you anymore. Its a better use of energy to spend it focusing on you and your healing. You don’t have to live with his personality anymore. You are FREE!!!
So spend you time on doing things that make you happy!! Free yourself from him, and be thankful that this is not YOUR disorder. Its not. It’s gone. Sometimes you will never be able to understand the nonsensical. I don’t write about multiple disorders, only dating a sociopath/healing and recovery. As it is straightforward, but always the focus is on healing and recovery. Rather than staying attached to the person.
You can’t fix them, they can’t even fix themselves. all you can do, is work on you, and making your own life as beautiful as it can be!! 🙂
Thank you very much 🙂 – you are absolutely right. I have been focusing on myself and to move in a healthier way.
But at times these situations from past on the behavior of this person pop and i wonder if this has to do with the disorder or not. Probably to pick the red flags in my future encounters with new people. That would not necessarily mean that the people displaying any of these traits are sociopaths but if the propensity is higher to ‘most of the traits’ it might be worthwhile to note these.
My questions are the behaviors which are antithesis to the general behaviors of a sociopath, so i am just trying to understand if these cases make any sense.
I think that every minute that you spend focusing on them is a minute less focusing on you! (i shouldn’t say that or I would have no readers!!) ….. but it is true.
You cant change them. you cant change their behaviour. But you can change YOU
Ive just realised something and wondered if anyone else had a simular story as most stuff is so simular. my ex basically hated watching films because she found them too long and got bored. In fact the only things she would watch were pretty sick crime programes like criminal minds, csi, nsis etc she seemed to like the graphic stuff in them. Same with the news had no interest in anthing expect when something really horrible had happened. I just wondered if this was normal for Sociopaths. She once told me since she was like 7 or 8 all she watched was this kinda stuff which obviously even at the time thought was very strange? She would always say she loved christmas films etc but when the time for xmas came had no interest all all for for example :s It kinda seems like she got off on this sick stuff pretty scary stuff!
I don’t know if it is related, but my ex loved, “Breaking Bad”, which at times, I found to be upsetting.
I have never watched it. I only heard about it the other day, as there was a man – (not a relationship) who after my daughter died, did a lot of damage to me. In terms of my social life – 6 days after she died he said (seriously) what did you want another child for, you had two grown up, didn’t you want to live your life and enjoy yourself (she died at full term)….. he then lied about me ….. the other day i read a newspaper article he had gone to jail for 18 months. He was working in a science lab in a university, and was caught with another man using the machines to manufacture cocaine….. Ok its not karma, but it did make me feel better, that one of the people who seemed to take such joy isolating me, so that I was left isolated in my home, is now locked up in jail and has lost his freedom. I saw comments on newpaper reports, about breaking bad….. that was the first time I had ever heard of it, never watched it….All within the last few days 🙂
I can only reply to my post as there is no reply below your comment (below). I have read everything you have written about the man you were with during your pregnancy. Maybe all the people that believed him after you were so devastated will think differently now!
I am glad he is rotting in a jail cell! You see? THERE IS A GOD! I don’t usually say things like this, but in this instance, I hope a few of his fellow jail-mates decide to make him their sexual playmate, just as he did to others. Now wouldn’t that be justice served! 🙂
nikki this is silly,you TELL ME YOU LOVE sunday and we both need to love each other and and i get back yesterday and you go against everthing u said and are blatantly ignoring me again nikki when we are meant to be sorting everything out and not only are u completely ignoring me ur starting to write about my fucking mum dad and daughter!!! im awake i suggest u ring me and explain why YOUR PLAYING FUKING HEAD GAMES!!! and i said leave my family out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my turn
I was not aware that my ex boyfriend was a sociopath. I just thought he was a cheating bastard and I confirmed that after a friend of mines did some researching and saw that he was living with a girl he told me was his ex from years ago. I was hurt and when she linked the two of us in a conversation I told every bad thing I knew of him to her, with my real name and other important details of my life. It was not until 4 p.m. the morning I woke from sleep and realized what I have done. I try to ask her to delete the messages but she doesn’t now I fear that he will find out and try to use this against me. What do I do? If I had known that this was the kind of person I would have stayed far away. What do you suggest to do now?
There is nothing more that you can do. As you asked her to remove the messages.
Remember you cant change anyone else. But you can change you!!
He thrives on your fear. So don’t speak to him. Just leave it. If he is going to create carnage he will anyway. is this information that could be used against you?
Sociopaths are pretty stupid though – if they want to do a ruining/smear campaign against you, they do, not realising that it only works ONCE anyway.
Once people have heard it, its done. So, I wouldn’t let it bother you.
People stay silent to protect the guilty.
Silence, and living in fear is what creates victims. You have nothing to hide, you have done nothing wrong.
It is him that fears exposure and losing control…. usually he does smear campaigns against you to protect himself from being exposed….
Just say wow, someone must have hacked my account and sent that (as that is what they would say) – deny all knowledge! 🙂
Do sociopaths get worse with age? Do they become more vengeful? My ex is also a co-worker. I will have minimal contact solely because of work. My concern is the smearing etc.
I can’t find the article “Dating a Sociopath” with the mask picture. Please give me a link 🙂 I just got out of a relationship this past winter like the ones described here. He was a real cruel sociopath having to accuse me of things that are off the charts for me including sleeping around and lying not being real and seeking attention. After 6 months of being investigated with people after the breakup I had enough and I outsmarted him to figure out he was capable of throwing even his friend under the bus just to accuse me still of things that are not even remotely possible. His friend doesn’t know that he did that but to protect my church and common friends I reported it and he was kicked out of the church and I look like the bad guy.. … Now we are in the smear campaign part. People who hear him can’t tell that he’s lost all his friends leaving them in ruins this way and that he’s sick. He just pathologically lies to make me the blame… as he always has blamed everyone but himself.!! The people who could help or support me don’t believe in mental illness as far as I can tell. I have winging this alone. So sad.
Hi Joy, I transferred to self hosting on Monday (which is why I haven’t been posting) it didn’t work out so I am back here. I hope I will get the dating a sociopath page back tomorrow, as wordpress admin haven’t transferred it back. What you describe sounds very common they accuse you of the very thing that they are doing themselves it is all part of the crazy making behaviour.
Hello, I came across this site while looking for ways to help a friend dating a sociopath. A friend of mine starting dating his girlfriend about 6 months ago. Since then they have moved in together and are now engaged. Since she has been in the picture he has stopped talking to all of his friends, because “we are all jealous”, “don’t want to see him happy.” etc. all of the reasons you had mentioned. He has lost his job, She has convinced him to start selling drugs and consequently he is now addicted as is she. She has him completely isolated, his family has just realized what was going on. He lives out of state they went and tried to get him into treatment. She has convinced him he is schizophrenic, which he is not. She is asking his family for money and pretending to be him through texts and e-mail. We are all worried for his life, he has cut everyone off including now, his parents. Is there any advice you can give for how to help him realize what is going on? He won’t seem to listen to anyone but her. He is a wonderful guy but has some trust and self esteem issues which she has used against him.
Hi Lola,did I answer this question the other day? I am fairly sure that I did? Or is this a similar story?
I think it is on tell your story? I will have to go look but it was someone who was trying to help a friend who was dating a sociopath, It was also a guy with a female sociopath too, almost identical story. I will see if I can find it.
I think what I wrote, is that there is little that you can do, except to say that no matter what happens, you will be there for him, no matter how long time passes. He can contact you.
Don’t take it personally. They are good at manipulating and isolating people. Really it is his life, and if you try to intervene it will only backfire on you.
Being in a relationship is not a crime, that is his choice. the only exception would be if he was registered as a vulnerable person. Then there is social services who could intervene. otherwise there really is little that you can do. If you try to talk to him, she would just ensure that you were shut out of his life 😦 as you would be perceived as a threat.
It must be a similar story, scary that there’s more than one.
Is it posted on this page? I can’t seem to find it?
Hi I have a question for u? U said u had 3 relationships with sociopath’s. How are u able to keep the last one as a friend if u are not giving him what he needs, food, shelter, money and sex?
Well from the time that police kicked him last summer – Jan this year, the source for supply was that he had burned all his bridges elsewhere. I was his friend.He didn’t really have others in his life. At that time it was full on. Quite a process to go through. Then he get new friends, so from then on, it was erratic. (I started writing my blog). His circle of behaviour still continued though. We have a lot of common interests, like a lot of the same things. He wanted to move back in with me (live off me), he thought all his money would stop as he wouldn’t get a job. I said no, so he would go awol looking for alternative source for supply. I started to get on with my life, we grew apart, as he got source for supply elsewhere. He also read every post I wrote on my blog….. and tried…. to be a different person, it was easier for him to be around new people who believed the lies. We were rowing all the time. Despite all the bad things, we did more good for each other than harm (long term) he pulled me out of trauma – and he understands why he behaves the way he does. We both got something out of it? Of course, when he needed to source alternative supply elsewhere he did…. with little thought for me. But I was busy anyway. So that was fine with me. In that circumstance, it worked, for both parties.
Hello, i have just come across your website , after having very recently come to the realisation that my ex was indeed a sociopath. We have been out of a relationship now for the past 3 months, i could never understand any of it. Last night i had a close friend open up to me regarding a mental illness, and got onto the subject of her ex being a pathological liar, it sounded all too familiar, so i’d taken to the internet for some research. I am utterly gobsmacked but overjoyed that there are people who have been through this, i have genuinely been made to believe i was insane. I haven’t been able to get closure because the control games are still very much at large. It has impacted me immensely and i am pretty much a wreck, trying to positively think my way out of the situation, but its hard because of the manipulation i am still very much in love with the person they chose to show me. I was with my ex for a year & a half me being 20 her being 29, it moved very quickly and at first she seemed like the ideal catch, amazing, beautiful ‘soul mate’ but i am not an idiot. I dont think she liked this! I was made to believe my ex girlfriend was a lesbian, as am i. I was told traumatic stories of child hood abuse which broke my heart for her, but there was so much more. She was phsyically abusive when drunk, as time went on even when sober! Disgusting things she was doing, prostituting herself to a very rich man for what seems like very many years, along time before i was around and many of her other exes as i’d found out from not being thick. Confronting the situation made no difference, even when i had direct proof, i was the insane one. She would be horrific to me, i became constantly scared to say or do the wrong thing, constantly apologetic, trying to make her happy believing i was in the wrong. I was shut down, lost my social life with my friends. I genuinely believed me to be in the wrong, she was so good at lying i really doubted myself and felt so awful for being the way i was. I finally had a hell of a lot of proof And after i’d confronted the situation a few months later for the second time, i left her. We got back together even though my trust was completely ruined, i loved her. but she then decided to make it seem as if she couldnt do it anymore, even though i was the one willing to trust and try again, i have no closure i doubt i ever will. But i realised the lie and left, she couldnt handle it which is why she made me come back so she could end it, putting her into control position, leaving me reeling and still to this day with every question and hope of why what when. I feel as if i have become a tad insane and i just want to be free from the burden of this sh** if im honest. She still contacts to find out how i am, and i tell her to much whereas little do i know of what she’s up to. Ive tried to gain closure but i doubt i will get it. I have gathered that she has a long line of ex girlfriends who are all of my age, easier to manipulate i believe! I would love to hear from you and your thoughts on the matter, maybe some tips on how to pull through this?
I voted for you
Thank you Klaudia!! 🙂
I was in a relationship with a sociopath/controller for 2 years. I didn’t go out with friends because he would sulk for days and to be honest I was afraid of losing him. However I had to go on a work related training course for 3 days and when I was away he texted me and said he was leaving me because his love was too big for me. I never contacted him and after 2 weeks I messaged him and he didn’t reply. I then begged for him back and he came back and told me how much he loved me and told me it was all my fault for leaving him. After a few days he was back to his controlling ways. He wouldn’t even let me talk. He controlled every conversation. He never listened to me ever. Is this normal in a sociopath?
I told him to leave after a week and its now been a month since he’s gone. Will he try to contact me or do you think he has moved on? I will not contact him but why isn’t he trying to contact me? I feel like he never loved me and it was all a lie!
Hi Amanda,
Thank you for your message. What I write is really not to hurt you. But I want to offer you the truth, as even though the truth does hurt, it will eventually set you free!!
First of all – normal healthy people do not leave someone because they ‘love them too much’ More likely, whilst you were away for 3 weeks, he could have found someone else. That is more likely the truth (as sociopaths are pathological liars and often cheaters too).
When you messaged him, he didn’t reply until you begged him to come back, by begging him, he had less respect for you…. and could then see you as a further source of supply 😦 ….. but of course, he had to tell you that it was YOUR fault for leaving him??!! Really…. what you shouldn’t feel safe to go on a training course for THREE DAYS? ….. if he truly loved you and missed you he would have been excited and happy to see you when you returned!!
Not allowing you to speak? Who treats someone like this, but no doubt he spoke non stop talking so much you couldn’t think? This is abuse 😦
Do you really want to be with someone who treats you this way? Who won’t allow you to speak, who controls you, who ends your relationship simply because you have been on a training course?
Yes, it is normal for a sociopath to not allow you to talk (constant talking at you) – this is mind control that my next post will be about…. it is also controlling sociopaths are very controlling.
It could also be other personality disorders like BPD or histrionic – but likely the BPD person wouldn’t leave it two weeks to speak to you
Will he try to contact you again? Probably they usually show back up when their current source of supply has ended – but the truth is….. why would you want him to? 😦
Focus on you…. and keep walking forward. You deserve to be treated better than this – and the way that he is will NEVER get better….in fact it can only get worse.
He didn’t contact you for 2 weeks ….. but he loved you
I dated a controlling man who didn’t like me going out with friends, who was intense, only wanted to spend his time with me and thought I should do the same. He was emotionally immature. He would sulk for days. He believed arguments or even discussions was about win or lose. He controlled every conversation we had. I was always on egg shells with him because of his moods. Is he a sociopath?
Sorry I didn’t see my previous message and your reply. I guess I was dating a controlling sociopath. Your answer is so right. I just have to work on me now and heal from it. Thank you
Hi, can you elaborate on “Supply”? I was apparently just for sex, since I did not have money. Those who did were the girlfriends and fiancés. Of course I thought I was the only one and that he wanted a relationship with me.
Supply can be anything that they think is ‘missing’ in their life Becky that they think is their right to acquire from someone else, using deception to obtain what they want. This could be money, sex, housing, contacts, anything really…
Thank you, definitely not for emotional support (give and take).
What are your credentials for owning and maintaining a site where you give advice on the mental disorders of others?
Do you have a degree in psychology or aberrant human behavior?
How many writers are on staff for this website?
Hi A. Soc. Me I worked all of my life (27 years) with statutory homeless (drugs, alcohol, prolific offenders, people leaving hospital after being sectioned, domestic violence, people in trauma, long term rough sleepers, young offenders etc etc etc…. ) – this might be why my work is focused on low functioning sociopaths – but i also worked with high functioning ones too So, I worked with thousands of people, i trained in counselling and life coaching, passed exams in Psychology. But, I think the biggest learning experience of all, was being involved with it directly. I could have all the work experience that existed, work with it every day, but I would only know what I was told. So I have a LOT of experience working with people with abhorrent behaviour (I am English). That is what I did for a living all of my life. I think I could read any number of books, and have whatever qualifications – (I have been to uni and have professional qualifications), my life has taught me, that personal life experience teaches you more than anything. Why? Because you learn to understand, more than you would to pass a paper? Or direct 1-1 sessions with people (that I had to do as part of counselling training). (as a partner you become like a secret spy) Who I am, is analytical by nature.
I don’t hate sociopaths (or anyone). I try to write the truth, as it is, as I saw it. It happened to me personally at a time, when I was traumatised (my child died in a way that was horrific), so the person that I always was (analytical and observant of human behaviour) was even more acute. I had dated more than one type. I have worked with many who were diagnosed. I get emails from sociopaths who are diagnosed, we engage in debate.
I don’t know how I understand it so well – i just do. That knowledge comes from a LOT of experience, that i really couldn’t write it all here. A lifetime of experiences. Academic, working, and personal. I really do believe that working in the field teaches you theory – and models, but experiencing it as a victim teaches you more than anything. After it happened, I spent a lot of time in victim recovery groups. From that I noticed patterns of sociopathic behaviour reported by victims that were virtually identical every time. Being an analytical person with my working background, I observed a lot. I read works by Robert Hare, and other established authors, which mirrored what i was experiencing. I knew that to help other people, truth and understanding will set you free. As the victim is able to understand what has happened to them. Understanding is a big part of recovery.
Also having PTSD was useful too, as I was able to understand a lot that I wouldn’t otherwise have done – lack of empathy, lack of emotional connection, behaviour patterns, triggers – things that were erratic. 27 years of working with drugs, alcohol, homeless, mental health, long term rough sleepers, managing homeless hostels, watching interactions with people (esp with those who were diagnosed) joint agency working with mental health teams, and then personal experience whilst in trauma. I can assure you taught me far more than a degree in psychology. (I do have a degree, but not in Psychology, although I have studied psychology too) – in relation to psychology, I see a lot of correlation to Freud psychoanalytic theory with sociopathy. I do have post graduate qualifications in counselling, which is also psychology.
What it is is not really important. What is important is that it helps victims with healing and recovery. Which is my aim, and in that sense, this site is successful. It isn’t a site for academics (although psychologists do read here, and write to me), it is a site for victims. Sociopaths also post here too sometimes, which I think is also good, as putting someone in a monster box (as some sites do), is not really helpful or useful for healing and recovery. Which is what this site is about (I hope) or at least that is the aim!
how long of no contact before you start to feel better? it was roughly 18 mths and I am 2 months nc.
How long is really how long it takes you to go through the grieving process. By reading all that you can, you will go through the grieving process a lot quicker. this explains why it can take so long. there is a grieving process to go through.
https://datingasociopath.com/category/healing-and-recovery-from-the-sociopath/five-stages-of-grief-and-the-healing-process/page/2/
When you get to the final stage – acceptance is when you really do feel better I think there are 3 posts in this category — you need to let go…. fully let go, to realise why this is so much better for you that it is over. When you can accept it. then you really do move on.
I have the same story as everyone here but no financial or physical abuse. Just targeting cheating lying and no emotion ( and the crazy non stop sex that goes with that) after I became hooked. I broke it of. This is making no contact for me harder. I go thru a period in my day where I want to reach out. I have and keep reading everything. I go to therapy, see a life coach ( who tells me this man will ruin the rest of my life). Yet still I find it hard to think of anything else and even care for my child. ( not his). I know it gets darkest b4 dawn. But things are very dark right now. I have tried to step it up and do different things every day and I have a challenging job. I know I have to thru phases. But stuck in grief. How to be unstuck? Is it just time. ? Thx. This blog has helped me keep straight
Hi, it is a process…. remember that it was also a process to get you hooked, and a process of abuse. That took time. The longer that you were in the relationship for, the longer it can take to heal (and it would even if the relationship were not abusive).
Remember that all relationships can take time to heal. Do these articles help at all? https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/from-victim-to-survivor/ and
https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/from-victim-to-survivor/how-to-reclaim-the-person-in-the-mirror/
They do! And thank you so much for them. Honestly without this site I could not have maintained no contact for two months. It’s hurtful that he hasnt even tried to contact me. I thought he would chase me as he has in the past. But I guess my sadness is linked to the fact that its really over and he has moved onto the next one. I know I will celebrate that one day. Just today isn’t that day. Thank you. This site is VERY helpful.
I’m in the same place u are. And I hurt beyond words.
Hi positivagirl I have a question for you.. I’ve always been interesting about humans behavior and when I first saw law and order and how sociopaths acts I was so Intrigued and at the same time fascinated ( not in a good way). So I’ve never thought i”d encounter a Sociopath in my life. Yesterday I found all a little thing he’s been doing to a friend and in my head it all started to make sense just like a dominos falling. after knowing all his done and telling friends and they agreeing with me I Still have doubts in my head I mean how’s it even possible? I must be crazy or paranoid to think that about somebody who is so nice to me and others. So I came across your Website and everything makes sense and checks. And my question is whenever you say “Their victims are their source of Supply” do you only mean about financial and material things? Because I can’t find why he would make my friend his victim then? and also I’d assume that there’s a lot of already powerful and wealthy sociopaths out there.
I’m unsure if my boyfriend is a sociopath. I have been with him 18 months. In the beginning he was so intense, got my name tattooed on him after only 3 weeks, told me I was the love of his life, would phone and text me constantly and would be really annoyed if I didn’t text back quick enough. Moved into my home by saying if I loved him I wouldn’t say no. Doesn’t like me going out with friends, sulks and has mood swings, talks excessively and doesn’t let me get a word in. Is so intense and stares at me where I feel hypnotised. Sex can be amazing but it seems that’s the only thing that’s good. He gets angry if I talk about my past or future goals. Seems to always be by my side that I feel like I can’t breathe. He has left me 6 times in total for a few weeks if we argue. He always has to be right and thinks even discussions should be about right or wrong. He told me about his bad childhood when we first met and I have realised he is emotionally immature. He has friends but doesn’t see them unless we argue and split, he says he only wants to spend time with me but we don’t have fun or even good conversations because of his need to always be right. Is he just controlling or a sociopath?
Hi, I separated pretty quickly with my ex. The moment I got pregnant the mask came off and of course back on … I was devastaded and without a doubt confused but realised pretty quickly something was terribly wrong with this man… I went trough a horrible pregnancy, at the same time I was running a bussiness, building a new house, we had to move one month before the baby was due, with no help at all from him, all he was doing was make it harder on me, looking back to it I wonder how I made it trough and how I could keep my focus pretty well considering the circumstances, all I was thinking was you can not break down, you can not let this baby down… when the baby was two months old I got him out of the house because I knew this was not an healthy envirement for a baby to grow up, I managed to do this because he at the time tought he had enough grip on me to use it as an emotional pressure and that I would beg for him to come back once he left but I never did… oh yes it was emotionally very hard and I still had a lot of hopes up for if he would get the right treatment there might be a chance there was still a chance he would change and I could give my child the family we (I ) planned on having, but I promised myself I would not get back in that situation before I was sure that some changes were truly made, I decided not to close my eyes for reality and doublecheck every move he made. Once he realised how determined and serious I was about this it became a whole different game … I don’t know how many times he came to my house, bouncing windows and doors like a madman, treatening , breaking down my properties and than break down and crie like a baby. It has been going on for over two years now, I can not recall how many times I had to call the police, sometimes 3 to 5 times a day, and at least double the time that I didn’t even bother to call … He even went to a psychiatric hospital two times to make me believe that he would do anything it would take to have his family back, and you would think if a man does that he must be genuine, he must love me and boy did I have my hopes up, but as soon as he got in he would turn out to be the same predator he always was, he was not even in the hospital for a whole day when he was already messing around with an 18 year old girl and making sure I was aware that he was chatting with girls on a not even dating site but more like quick contact site, I was already used to the emotional blackmail and although it would still be painfull I kept calm untill the day the psychiater called me to his office for a talk with him and I will never forget the scene my ex played there blaming me for everything he could think of at first I thought the psychiatre would see right trough it but when I realised he totaly packed them in I felt the floor going from underneath me, I think that was the point where i almost really broke down. i realised if he could even fool these people what kind of dangerous and unpredictable situation I was in, I was so anxious, after i left the office he caught up with me took my handbag and chased me around the hospital, the nurses saw it, I had to call on the security and when they couldn’t handle it they called the police and still the next phonecall with the psychiatre I was litterly asked how I could do all this to this kind man and nothing was wrong with him, I was the one who was driving him to insanity, they even pusuaded my housedoctor from this. I think this was the first time I really got so angry it scared me, I was almost desperate and the hardest part to deal with was the anger, I know I only get angry when I am in deep deep pain and boy was I, but I decided not to give up … my childs future and bellbeing was in stake … as soon as he got out of the hospital, the stalking, walking on my roof, jumping in my garden and hundreds of phonecalls started again. I kept pretty strong and watched every step I made and last december he finally went to jail after breaking an entry in my house and stealing my laptop with me and a witness present …. those four months he was in jail where the first time I felt in three years time I could live a normal life again, without being scared and be on the watchout every day. He would still call me everyday from prison but only once or twice because it was expensive and I simply wouldnt answer, those 4 months helped me to regain a lot of my strength … at that time I was still willing to have visitations under supervision for our son when he got out of jail and hoped that being in jail made him realise at least he had to let me live in peace but the same day he got out he was at my door at 4 in the morning, walks on my roof every couple of nights and only a week ago I saw him jump over the fence while my terras door was open and he managed to get in the house, while he was chasing me around the house there was no way i could call the police and when I saw him reach for a knife I sceamed for my life hoping the neighborghs would hear me and call the police and luckely they did, but for some reason I can’t understand they released him an hour later, athough he’s on probation for another 8 months and has a parole for another 12 months … my little boy was very traumatised by this event and I decided to break every contact there possibly is, even the visitations with our child, luckely I have the juvenile court on my side since they have seen how strongly I defended the wellbeing of my child but still would make every effort I could to make it possible to maintain contact between my son and his father. They think it is enough aswell and no good for the wellbeing of our son. He is out of jail for three months now and I slowly feel my stress building up and my energy going down again. I am ready for complete closure and I know that if I wouldnt see him anymore and I would just be able to live in peace in my house and not have to be scared to get out, we would be pretty ok and I would recover from this for the better but I am scared, he knows he totaly lost grip now and so far although he treatened to kill me many times he never really came to that point because he tought our child would always bound us in some way. I actually have three questions here, how scared should I be for the possiblity that he really does the unthinkable, how can you recover when a constant treat is at your house and you can not live in peace for a minute and how is it possible that if the traits of psychopaths and sociaopaths is so well known, psychiaters get fooled by them.
To be honest untill recently I thought of narcissistic personality disorder and borderline but here where always some missing links. I always thought sociopaths and psychopaths where the kind of serial killers and never put the link with my ex for that reason untill last week I read psychopathfree and now your blog all the missing pieces fall into place, thank you for that
Hi Positive. Of course I am reading your blog and am lucky to have found it after searching and reading and searching more in hopes that the person I have been dating for a new now is not the sociopath that he seems to be. I have my own story, of course, and I have many questions, but right now I just want to ask a few. #1. Even though this person fits so many of the characteristics of one and has done things in almost exact order of what one person with the disorder does, how do you know its a disorder or simply somebody growing up and being immature and making mistakes that people do as they grow up. We all have done stupid things or lied or even cheated, but grew out of it. #2. Do you think they ever miss you? Miss what you were and how much you loved them? Truly they must realize that they lost a good person right? I am like all your other followers…feeling completely lost and in intense pain of the loss of what I had (he left me after I found out the biggest of all his lies and betrayal) or thought I had. I have actually had suicidal thoughts because of the emptiness I now feel and the insanity this has brought to my life. Why would I ever want him back? He did not apologize of course after this “last” discovery of course, instead getting extremely angry and disgusted with me and then broke up, but why would I care of want him to? What is wrong with me that I would even want him to ask for forgiveness again? I should be happy he left so I can heal. Please write me soon.
Hi, I am sorry to read that you are in pain. You ask would he miss you? Well…. if he missed the supply yes. Also sometimes sociopaths can miss someone’s company. But the truth is, that he will never be able to love you in the way that you want to be loved. Not in terms of putting your needs before his own. And when he does relapse into sociopathic meltdowns, when opportunity arises, wouldn’t feel any shame or remorse for hurting you. As your needs are not particularly important.
You know, when you start to focus on you, and not the sociopath, you will start to heal and recover. You cannot change him, but you can change you. That sounds simple, but it is very true. He wouldn’t apologise as in his mind he actually hasn’t done anything wrong. Different day different thing., Cant really understand why you are making a big fuss about something that has gone.
He doesn’t think like you, or see things to same way that you do. So you are trying to understand him with your own mindset, and he doesn’t think this way.
Yes people are immature, growing up, make mistakes. But…. even immature people do feel very very bad when they have done something wrong to hurt someone else (eventually) the sociopath will never do so. They just don”t think the same way, or feel the same way. They think of themself their own needs, their own agenda and what they want to achieve – your needs are not important.
Surely you deserve better than this?
Hi Positivagirl,
The thing that really concerns me and I have seen that you have written in one way or another about it in various posts – is how my own character, ethics and fury at the world when rubbed the wrong way seems to have changed. I do not seem to be the same person at all since Mr. Socio has gone. I snap at people, I get depressed and cry when I’m supposed to be having fun – then nobody wants to hang out with me and I feel nobody understands the pain I’m going through and I end up being stuck with my own miserable company but feeling envious over everybody else who seem to have people to hang out with while I have nobody. I have tried getting into new dating situations, but I get paranoid, jealous and disappointed way too early on – because I feel like he wasted five years of my life, I keep looking for a new guy to come along and take away the pain and feel impatient when the situation doesn’t speed up, but unfortunately my biological clock has just about reached the end of its ticks thanks to to him, so now I see myself being alone for the rest of my life with no hope of children, family, marriage or anything. He even mocked me at the end – laughing at me about the situation he caused, he has ruined my life.
Kharma did finally catch up with him recently because he managed to put himself in jail for 1st degree Burglary, The news of this sent me from elation to bawling my eyes out to numbness. However myself as a person now just seems damaged. A part of me is just cold and callous, bitter and angry towards certain things in the world and just repulses other people. Almost like I want to be like him, but I know I am not. But how nice would it be not to feel any of the pain or anything at all! I envy that feeling and I am or was a very sensitive but somewhat ne person. I really think I’m permanently damaged and nobody is going to want to be my friend anymore. It’s lame how my self esteem has simply died – I hate him for taking that away from me. It’s truly evil.
Hi oc, how old are you? I was 40 when I became pregnant with my daughter Maya. She did die, but not because she was sick, or that there was anything wrong with her. Her death could have and should have been prevented. How old are you? It might not be too late to have children.
As for replacing – please be careful with this, nobody can make you happy within you. If you try to bring someone into your world to fix the holes in you, you are in danger of attracting another sociopath. You have to focus on you.
I think how you feel is common. It can take a while to find that love in your heart. You know what, you need to find that love for you first…. forgive yourself. Learn to love yourself. Work on healing and recovery. Take it step by step. Baby steps be gentle on yourself. Remember that any relationships after 5 years is going to take a while – even if that relationship was a healthy one.
I think that when in that relationship, you can spend so long defending yourself, that you are not able to ‘love’ and you live your life in defence mode. It sounds like this is what you are doing now, being defensive. You need to start focusing on you, and forget about the rest. Forget about meeting someone else, chill and lose the panic, you know that you often meet someone just when you didn’t want to meet someone. when you had decided that you didn’t need someone.
No, you are not like him. But yes, your self esteem has been smashed which makes you react towards people in a defensive way. So…. focus your energy inwards. Don’t be afraid of this. It doesn’t mean that you are a loser. You are investing in YOU, which is the best investment that you can do.
Try to focus that the sociopath is just well not right in the head, in that he thinks differently. You are free now. You are free to go rebuild your life. Ok, right now your world has smashed down…..rebuild one brick at a time. Just one. Find something one day today that makes you smile.
write lists of goals and things that you want to achieve. Long term goals short term goals. This will give you realistic things to aim for and look forward to.
Look at a plan for your life. You are not cold and callous, you are just defensive. You have been hurt and you are protecting yourself from further hurt.
Remember you DO have someone to love, to take care of cherish and value – YOU!!
Hi positivagirl!
Do you think Sociopaths can spot/recognize another Sociopath?
If so would they attempt to target another? If they do not recognize another is it possible for them to go forward in their pursuit and experience some form of what they have done to others?
I believe my sociopath ex may have met his match with his new fiance?
Hi Sandra. Yes Sociopaths are very perceptive, they have the ability to analyse a person within a very short space of time to find out who they are and what makes them tick. So yes, likely he would see what/who she is. But would she have a great mask of illusion? Remember that sociopaths love to play the game. They might do the same behaviour to each other but what would be the outcome? As each would catch the other out within a very short space of time.
My ex, my first boyfriend. Is the pure definition of a sociopath. We have been broken up for about 6months but he keeps trying to come back into my life even after having a new girlfriend. Long story short, he has his claws into a younger girl with a child. She is so possessive over him and hates me thanks to everything he has blamed on me. He has my cat, tricked me into giving the cat to him after paying all the vet bills, and now he’s back with her and gave my cat to his parents who also hate me thanks to him. I don’t know if I can even try reasoning with him for my cat? I’m worried I’ll never see my cat again! Not sure if this is another way of manipulating me??
Hi Tara, that is a very tricky one. Can you prove ownership of the cat?if Ordinarily if the sociopath owes you something it is better to say to keep it. Otherwise they play the stupid game of control and stalling for time – and that is all that it is – control – it can go on a very long time. If you can prove ownership of the cat, could you involve the police for theft (but likely the sociopath would lie – and get you into trouble).
Hi there,
Can sociopaths compartmentalise their sociopathic behavior? What I mean by this can sociopaths treat their friends one way (non-sociopathically)? And their girlfriend / intimate relationship sociopathically? (if that’s even a word 🙂 I’m sure the answer is “no” but wanted to check just make sure. I didn’t know if abuse or trama could trigger a sociopathic attitude/treatment in an intimate rationship only.
Also, can/do/are they (sociopaths) capable of maintaining long term relationships whatsoever aside from family members? Not just intimate long term relationships but long term friendships?
I’m asking bc I’m trying to figure out if my boyfriend is one or not. It says that they typically don’t have long term relationships. I have good reason to believe my bf is one. That’s one of the “signs” that he doesn’t fit. He has several best friends that he’s been friends with for 8-10 years. He sees them on the regular too. He also has good relationships with his ex gf’s. Two of them he works with – both have bf’s and they get along really well. I like them – and they hadn’t said a single cross word about him to me. And they aren’t opinion shy women.
Thoughts?
My son’s father came back into my life again after nearly 17 years of pretty limited contact. Truthfully I invited him back in because I found out that he overdosed and was clinically dead a few times in the past. He’s a former heroine user. I suddenly was panicked by the thought that he could be gone. I think it’s a fear of abandonment. What’s a more final abandonment than death? Years ago I realized thst he has antisocial personality disorder. He’s undiagnosed but he meets all the criteria. I have absolutely no doubt this is what’s going on with him. Somehow I forgot that when we started talking 6.months ago. Since I remembered and have started reading sites like this I realize that many aspects of his personality and his behaviors that I observed are common in charismatic sociopaths. I was just journaling after doing some reading and I had a question. I suppose it’s not really necessary to have an answer to this question but I guess it’s human nature. When we started talking again we started having sex too. But he kept telling me that he didn’t want to start a relationship with me because he’s “damaged” and said he would end up “destroying” me. He still played all the typical sociopath games, feeding me what he knew would hook me. I fell for it completely. He’s much better at lying and manipulating now. I gave him thousands of dollars (even though he never paid child support ) . This isn’t normal behavior for me. People would ask me what I was thinking and I’d tell them I honestly didn’t know. If I had better boundaries maybe we would be friends now. He kept saying he didn’t want to take advantage of me and wanted to prove to me that he actually wants to build a true friendship by not accepting my help but like an idiot I kept offering and I don’t think he could help himself. There were times thst he asked too. Then recently all the lies were uncovered. My question is do you think he was trying to be as honest as he could be and really didn’t want to hurt me or was this just a tactic? He told me the other day that he lied to me because I wanted it. After reading about mirroring I guess that’s essentially true.He now has a new source which is textbook. He had been kicked out of the home he was staying at and was staying with me. I wasn’t aware he couldn’t go back to that house. Because of our history, I’m pretty good at figuring out the truth from very little information. He was tagged in a picture on Facebook with a girl. While he has pictures with all kinds of people on Facebook this struck me differently. I asked him if they were dating and he admitted they were. I told him I would need a break from him to deal with it figuring he’d just go to the previous house. Since that wasn’t an option, he went to her place and the next day they were “in a relationship” on Facebook. So she’s his new source for sure. She’s told me things, while trying to defend him, that I know for certain are lies. He lied to her about how many children he has. She’s 14 years younger than he is. Sorry, I went off on a tangent. So what do you think? Was he really trying to protect me from himself or was it just a ploy? Thank you.
Hi Sarah thank you for your email. i think that sociopaths are very insecure people. They have such low image of themselves that someone ‘wanting’ them is paramount. I think that they are always looking for that source of supply. To fulfil that missing part of themselves. This is why they mirror and be the ‘perfect man’ I think a anyway. I know that it hurts that he is now with someone 14 years younger than you. But to him and his mind…. he felt that he wasnt good enough for you. Remember that sociopaths are very selfish. They think of their own lives. Their plan for the future is very short term. So, he thinks that he is with someone who ‘wants’ him. A lot of it is about abandonment and rejection. Realistically….. yes they are self motivated …. for sure. But this is about their own insecurity. Someone fucked them over (probably in childhood) so they protect themselves) – just in case…… he knows himself. You mean something to him….. very much so….. but he feared he would let you down – just as he has done most of his life….. so go for safe option x
It sounds like that part might’ve been genuine. After all, he knew he already had your replacement in the pipeline, and that you didn’t know that. After it was “out”, they tend to rationalize, “what difference does making it public now make?” He’ll still take your money and resources though. It’s easy to want to victimize them and not yourself. I would guess that a socio takes a LOT of reinforcement to bolster their esteem, even for a little while.
Thanks very much for your reply. It doesn’t bother me that his girlfriend is so much younger. His social circle mostly consists of early to mid 20 year olds. Most of the time, people mature and move on to becoming productive adults but then there are those like him who are stuck. My son tells me he dates “dumb blank girls” and from the little interaction I’ve had with her this seems like it might be true. Oh, I forgot to mention that it’s actually a bit flattering because she has my name. And apparently he’s dated or had feelings for a handful of people with my name. That actually came out quite accidentally. Since all the lies have been exposed he’s asked me a few times if my plan all along was to come back into his life to ruin him. He’s also said he knew I would give up on him again as I did when we were younger. So I think maybe you’re right that he feels he’s not good enough for me. Here’s my next question. At this point, I really would like to be friends with him. As much as I can still see the sociopathic behavior he also seems to be trying in some ways. For example, he’s working two part time jobs because he says he’s determined not to go back to selling drugs. We have a son who lives with me again and our first grandchild will be born soon. My son’s girlfriend also lives with me as will our granddaughter. My son adores his father and his girlfriend is actually a good friend of my ex
also. I was worried my son was going to turn out just like his father but this baby has shown otherwise. Thank God. So back to my question. Do you think it would be possible for us to be friends? I don’t want to be with him anymore because I’m clear about who he is. Before I started reading these sites I knew I had fallen for a fictional character, someone part of him would like to be I think. But at the same time I really enjoy his company. Do you think I’ve hurt him too much at this point and he will just want to get back at me? We were at a birthday party for one of his children yesterday and he spent all day charming my son and his ex-wife who have both been very angry with him. It was quite clear that he was trying to build an alliance. Trying to make them love him so they would forget what he’s done. He knows I’m not so easily conned by him, never have been. I need proof of change, not just an afternoon of words. So again, is it possible for us to be friends or has there been too much damage? I will have to see him again at the beginning of October when the baby is born. I’ve blocked his number and Facebook pages. I was planning to take a break from him until October then see if we can slowly start interacting again. I’m sure that I will have to learn to not expect anything from him and just accept who he is if it’s at all possible. But is he merely going to want to hurt me at this point?
I have another question. I’ve read in several places that sociopaths sometimes “get better” beginning around the age of 40. My question is do they actually begin to feel love when that happens?
I have recently figured out what I have been dealing with over the last almost 5 years. No need for me to tell you what it’s like because you know and everyone on this site knows what it is like. I got so confused and messed up over this relationship, I am seeing a therapist. I think I read on this site something mentioned about different levels of sociopathy. Is this true? I so much want to believe that he did at some point care about me and maybe something he said was the truth. It seems that he was getting worse before he took off (no closure, no answers, he’s just gone) Is it possible that something was making this worse in him as time went on? I’m still in denial about a lot of things, but I keep reading everything I can find just to convince myself this has happened.
Yes there are different types some are more narcissistic and distempered than others who are more charismatic (although both are) – there is a distinction between sociopaths. psychopaths, narcissists, and ASPD – those that appear ‘not that bad’ might be aspd.
My question relates to psychopaths and child sexual assault.
I guess mostly everyone is an individual, but my ex was sexually abusing my daughter, she revealed it to me at age 4, 2 years after I’d moved away from him. She has not had any unsupervised contact with him for 4 years now and is healing so well… BUT,
Her older sister had been tortured and turned from me (forced to choose) via threats and control and never came for any visits with me for a whole year prior to the disclosure .. the littlest went over there for a regular visits. The eldest was 9 at the time, was not allowed to see or speak to me on the phone since she was 8 – if she did (a handle full of times) she copped it.
…so for that past year they were both alone with him in the house (his girlfriend from the internet) didn’t move in until after that …I think on purpose).
But I wonder if with their lack of boundaries and empathy, given some ‘circumstance’ and ‘opportunity’ … do they ‘go there’??? Or would it have been there underneath all along?
Hi PP with regard to peodophiles – you have to think that they have seen things and done things that are NOT normal (as you know) this gives them a different set of boundaries. As you also know they are compulsive pathological liars too. When you say ‘go there’ – I am assuming you mean child sexual assault? – there would always be a risk. Which is why (in UK at least) sex offenders go onto a sex offenders register and are not allowed to be alone with minors. That risk will always be there.
I have a quick question…I know this is a no brainer. His own mom told me to leave. But I am oddly attracted to him. We have been married for almost 10 years. We got married 3 months after meeting. And he moved in about 2 weeks after we met. And I feel great when he’s not around. But I still have this stupid idea that he will get better. He says everyone has abandoned him, and that now I’m doing it. Then I feel guilty. We have lived apart for 6 months now.
HI 1399 realistically if he hasn’t changed in 10 years…. why would he change now? He is probably still pulling your strings (knowing you well) telling you what you want to hear. The attraction can be there with sociopaths they have a high level of testostrone, but you have to ask yourself does this make you happy? You say that you are happier without him?
I just stumbled across your site today. I’ve already labeled my girlfriend as a sociopath and let her know that that’s exactly how I feel (mistake #1). She had a troubled childhood and has been to many dr’s for evaluation all of which have never diagnosed her with any mental instability so me diagnosing her (in her mind) seems absurd and pretentious. I told her I’d be the one to fix her (mistake #2) about 3 weeks ago and I’ve been searching for tips on how to combat her tendencies but to no avail, naturally. I’m now at a crossroad, on the one hand, I love her dearly and would do anything to keep her in my life to include cutting out the people I love and cherish deeply. On the other, I can’t take the stress anymore and fear that I’m missing out on the life intended for me, or worse, I may react outside of character ruin both of our lives in a mistake caused by rage.
I guess my questions are is it too late? Have I messed things up so bad that I can’t recover? If not, how do I fix us, do I continue to give into her unreasonable demands (unreasonable to me) until she realizes that I’m a winner who won’t stop working on our relationship until she joins me in the victory circle and we prosper together. Do I put my foot down and give her an ultimatum? Everything I’ve read about this and know about her tells me this won’t work. Do I simply bow out of the relationship and leave the door open until she realizes her mistakes and corrects them (simply wishful thinking).
I apologize as I have not read all of your post, you could have already answered this sort of situation. All I need is a solution tailored just for me. Thank you for reading.
Courtney
Hi Courtney, I know that you love her but you need to love yourself more. Slowly she will chip away at you, your self esteem, everything that is of value in your life. She will clear you out leaving you but an empty shell. You cannot fix her, but you can fix you!!
I can relate to all your posts as I had been through the same myself. You have a knack of explaining the thinking behind the sociopaths behavior clearly to all of us in a relationship with dem. I tried to explain to my parents using ur blog but I don’t think they understood fully.
Can u please write a post that explains about sociopaths that people who never had contact with dem can also feel. I think it will come handy in explaining what we had been through to our near/dear ones. Will prevent isolation too. Think it over please. …
I have SO many questions even after reading everything I could find in the web about Sociopaths (some read twice) and doing the same in 2010 when I left him the first time.
The first time I left him I wasn’t strong enough face the truth about him and he still had skills that fit me as his source during the seducing phase and I was still a strong source.
So I am in the confusion stage of recovery tonight. Today was my 7th day of NO contact. I know now I will never be with him again and I am working on mourning the “false” man I did fall in love with. I was with him for 10 years and lived a lifetime of memories. The ones that made it easy to live in denial of the abuse, torture, cheating lying and stealing from me
Hi Heather. First of all, don’t be surprised if he pops back up again. They do this – disappear – the silence and then out of the blue (when alternative source of supply is low) you will get a random text saying something like ‘hi, how are you’…. I know that this hurts – but try to use this time to focus on you. He might not show back up…. but often this is not the case. They are nosey — and hate losing control – even of those they no longer want.
I have recently started dating a man at work (not against policy or anything) that I now suspect to be a sociopath. I don’t know how to end this without him exposing some potentially damaging detqils about my past. HELP!
Yikes!!! Can you get another job? I know that sounds drastic but there is nothing the sociopath loves more than to keep control and they WILL threaten to expose you if they think that you are going to leave them – and they will lose control. Remember that they love winning and retaining control. It could be a bumpy ride ahead if indeed he is a sociopath – the other tactic is to put him off you – but that is more difficult in the workplace – and can place you more at risk. How much do you love your job – can you leave without saying a word to him?
after 2 months of ignoring he starts to reply my emails for a sudden.pretending answering my questions why he left me.in his reply he blames me for being the person wanting too much from him wich he coudn,t give , he can,t give love cause he only liked me, but now he found out who i am in his eyes a woman demanding for answers. he don,t like me anymore….he dumped me again and ingnored me from that moment he ignored me wouthout any explanation.
while a few weeks before he was talking about building up trust between us and growing to a better relation after all the problems..caused by him repeating the same pattern of 3 months and than breaking up for a sudden and ignoring me and giving a lame answer for the reason after a while…
i have been too weak to let him everytime in my life again with hope that the love was real cause i tought he want to come back to me that means he found out he loves me…
but i was wrong!
i feel so used and full with pain and damaged..
i don,t understand why he is now answering my emails in a negative way..
what does it mean and what can i do?
does it mean he is allmost at his 3 month pattern for leaving his other source of reply to try to come back to me?
or is it just control?feeling power not to give answers and to hurt me?
I,ve been reading other story,s and i,m afraid he is a pedofile since he is talking a lot about that subject and having very young girlfriends he is 50 and he had a girl before me of 24 i am 37 ..and liking pictures on fb of really young girls.
it is all very unbelievable to realise he is such a sick man.
the pain comes and goes sometimes a good day i am still confused and there is no day
that i wake up that my first toughts are about him and i feel anger and grief when i wake up.
What is the best thing to do how to deal with his replys of my emails lately?
Why is he using my emails, I dont understand why this one woman calls and ask for him? I get alot of hangups…..and I saw him driving her car he stopped and stared I acted like I didnt see him, why is he doing this I dont bother him? I really don’t understand how a person can do this tht I’ve known since I was 17 now 47, they say they wanted to change I help them financially I helpedpe to get a job I close them I fed them I provided a roof over their head
I know you are hurting Lisa. I know betrayal hurts so badly and when someone behaves with no care for your feelings. I know how bad it hurts when all you were trying to do was help somebody – its like a kick in the teeth. Try to focus on you. Keep to No contact and take one day at a time. remember you cannot change him – but you can change you!!
The siciopath was also a drug addict , I know this sounds silly he left while I was on vaca I had to go he draining me anyway he stole things hid things and its been a yr and hes never contacted me, why? The woman he mess with call? I dont know how they get my number? What r your thoughts? I can’t believe this is happening I did so much to help this person
I know Lisa, welcome to the site. it can feel like a kick in the teeth that the person that you tried to help to give everything to – stole from you, lied to you and betrayed you. I think the sense of disbelief is common. it is often called the fog of confusion – as you come to terms with what has happened and the reality of who he is. I think that those with class A drug addictions can behave like sociopaths – whether they are all one I don’t know about this. I think it is more to do with lifestyle choice, addiction and being selfish doing ANYTHING to get their drug. The sociopath behaves very similar to a drug addict – but their drug is ripping people off. I know this as I spent most of my working life working with drug users – and my charismatic sociopath ex – behaved in an identical pattern – yet he wasn’t a drug addicted – but his pattern of behaviour was identical.
Hi POSITIVAGIRL
Hope everything is well with U . We have not seen much of U lately and miss u’re wonderful spirit to guide us.
I would like to ask a question if I may.
It has to do with the silent treatment .
There was a lot of that during my 3 year relationship with my Soc , more then in other story’s I have read here. Mine dissapeard every 10 to14 days and it started early in the relationship . I asked a lot of questions because I just could not understand him . I wanted to know how he claimed to love me so much and put me through this hell . Never got an answer. Should have gotten out then. He said that he was a dreamer and that I never met anyone like him. It was one of the few times he spoke the truth.
Was there a reason as to why he left so frequently ?
I’m doing remarkably in a fairly short time and I credit you and your remarkable website and all the other lady’s who write here . Thank you for this service . May God bless you .
OXOXOX
Hey ladybug. Am so sorry I have been around (answering comments) and letting in new comments. I have a legal case ongoing at the moment which has hit me for six. I am so sorry not been around as much as normal. it has been an upsetting time.
Anyway – back to you. Silence is control. But not only is it control – remember that the sociopath has a short attention plan, is selfish and has a lack of long term planning.
It might seem odd to you that he is doing these actions then coming back – surely it makes it bad for him – so why?
The answer is – because he can!!! Remember all sociopaths are narcissists. They love the affirmation that you love them are pining for them. That makes them feel special. Sociopaths are quite weak people underneath the bullshit.
I am so glad that you are doing so well…. thank you for being part of this site. It is people who comment here who keep this place alive!!! 🙂
Hi POSITIVAGIRL ,
Please don’t feel that u have to apologize . Things happen in everybody’s life that need to take precedence sometimes.
I’m sorry for what u’re going through right now so don’t worry about us. Just take care of u.
It too will pass.
U have given us the tools with this wonderful website which is so informative and so well written . Without it I would still be in the dark feeling I got hit by a train
We just miss u. U’re sweetness , u’re compassion and kindness shines through in every word u write. Thank u for being here & thank God for u.
I just suffered a little setback . The Devil was at my door yesterday . I pretended that I was’nt home . He had sent an email on the day before saying he wanted to bring my beach chair and a fan I had given him.
I did’nt respond to it.
There is a little twist to it . I saw him getting back in to his car from behind my window . He had a pair of crutches under his arms he put them in the back seat of his car. Heard from the super of the building that his left leg was in a cast. The Empath in me kicked in but I did’nt act on it.
Afte that my cell phone started to ring and he left a message then my house phone he left another message to please call him.
I hav’nt but now he is hurt and probably needs help and I really wish that I was’nt this feeling kind of a person.
Hope I can stay strong , hope that God will help me . Try to visualize his face when he told me it was his right to watch pornagrophy . Shut up you stupid heart and let my head handle this! It’s so incredibley hard . Why does’nt he just go away ?
Got to go for now
Sending a big Hug across the Atlantic !
We all love you
Be well
Hey ladybug. I know that it is hard that he is injured, and you being the nice person want to fix – BUT!!!!…. there would be nothing that you could do for his leg anyway – this is for health professionals to fix. You can’t. It sounds harsh but he has his cast – you KNOW that he would just play the victim…. he really would…. you have nothing to feel guilty about. If he hadn’t messed things up you would have been there for him. Now he has to realise WHY….. you can’t fix him – but you can fix you! 🙂
Thanks Posi , I know u’re right
XOXO
My girlfriend’s ex is a sociopath and has been very smart in the way he harasses me and her. I need to know the basics of the healthiest and best way to handle him. I’ve already gone the legal route and unfortunately there is not enough evidence to do anything legal. THANK You very much.
I’m in a difficult situation. I am the mistress of someone that I believe is a sociopath and I am married myself. I
am having a difficult time believing that he is a sociopath but he does exhibit most of the traits. He knows who my husband is and knows ALOT about me bc he is in law enforcement, and why I’ve had an affair. The reasons why are bc I’m ignored at home. Well, right now he is ignoring me, he has done this before and he knows this hurts me. He told me last weekend that his wife had caught him but he didnt break up with me. He told me to not contact him and he would “TTYL” so I’m assuming he will be back. I would like to end the situation bc he has def changed since we met but I’m scared bc he knows so much about me and I love him. Help!
Can an official diagnosis with sociopathy or psychopathy be mistaken for a different personality disorder, or is it always final and undeniable?
Hi Nancy, interesting question. There are people who have sociopathic traits. There are other personality disorders that have similarities to sociopathy. But the hallmark that makes a sociopath stand out – is their lack of conscience. They simply do not have it. They feel no remorse guilt or shame for their actions.
Can people be wrongly diagnosed? I think to be honest there are not that many who are diagnosed (considering one in 22 people are one) – so if someone went as far as to receive a diagnosis…. it could possibly be wrong – but it is doubtful. It is quite a label to give to someone. I would imagine that it wouldn’t be given without evidence. However, the people who make the diagnosis are human and are making assessment based upon opinion. I would say it is unlikely – but it is possible.