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If there is something that you would like to know and I haven’t yet written about it, please add your question here 🙂
Dating a Sociopath 
My question is…… I have tried to contact several of his exes to get their side of the story, because of course they all cheated on him or used him for money blah blah… Well no one will reply back to me why do you think this is?? I have sent msgs in fb and they just ignore me. I can understand that they don’t want to get involved but dang. I need answers here. I know he’s nuts but i have no PROOF, except what he’s done to me and no one BELIEVES me because of the smear campaigns (we work together, he’s highly regarded as a valuable employee of 25 yrs. everyone knows and loves him here. i came in off the street 2 yrs. ago so im just a lowly scrub)
They might not trust that this is not you at all and might think that this is him pretending to be a victim to contact them
Also they might have him on block.
No one wants to admit they’ve been duped. No one, not their ex’s, not their friends, not their family. No one wants to admit they’re so naive or weak or just plain stupid. That’s how they see it, they can’t be fooled. They play by the rules – sociopaths do not.
So true!! Thank you!!
I want to say thank you for this site. It’s helped me process my situation so much. I had a question though. Have you ever heard of a sociopath using a friends facebook profile to borrow to contact the victim? Mine did yesterday and I’m beyond disgusted that I fell for it once I figured it out. It’s the most sickening thing to think a person can be so awful and twisted to act this way.
What do you mean borrowing a friends Facebook profile did they do this without their permission or with?
Well I texted the actual girl via text and bitched her out for allowing my ex(the sociopath) to use her Facebook to get to me and the girl tried to say it was without her permission bc my ex knew her login from previous times. Keep in mind, I never really ever communicate with this girl by Facebook or text. I was dumb to believe the whole sham.
Positivagirl,
I just wanted to sincerely THNAK YOU for creating this site. I have finally reached a place of peace and acceptance and I owe a lot of this to your site which educated me on sociopaths. I dated one for close to 6 years and went back to hum numerous times. Each time and each break-up was worse and worse. He was a Master manipulatro and liar but I had on rose colored glasses for so ling and refused to see him for what he was. The last time I went back, the break-up was absolutely devastating. I experienced things I never has before…..paranoia, anxiety…panic attacks. I have never felt so disconnected from myself and it scared. The heartache and loss were so painful and I never thought I would get over it. I was in the fog of confusion and I felt so stuck. I came across yoru site and I had never heard of a sociopath. I knew what a psychopath was but sociopath was new to me. As I read each and every page, that was him and my relationship with him. It brought so much clarity to me and I realized that I AM OK; he is NOT. While I ended all contact with him, it was still so hard to get over the non-existent person I fell deeply in love with and wanted to share a life with. He was my first real love and it was awful. I never realized until I was out of the relationship, the hold and control he had over my life. I had totally lost myself for so long.
I would read your blog daily and read all I could on sociopaths. I FORCED myself to move on. I knew I didn’t want to live like that anymore and I wanted myself back. Each time I felt like contacting him or responding to any of his communications or was just depressed, I’d read your pages and I would always feel relief and that I was going to be OK. I can attest to this day that I AM OK. I AM BETTER THAN OK. I am actually happy. Sometimes it scares me because I was used to be sad, depressed or in a drama ridden relationship that I forgot what nromalcy feels like. It feels so good. I am happy and at peace with where I am in this life; I am back to myself and doing things that make ME happy. I am taking care of me. There is no drama in my life and it feels so good. I want this feeling to last forever. The longing for him and desire to be with him has ended. I fought through my depression and loneliness because I wanted to break that addiction. I don’t want him anymore. Through counseling and prayer, I have finally reached this stage of the grieving process. I feel as if I finally “get it.” My life is so much better and healthier without him. He literally tried to break me and I almost let him.
I just want to tell anybody who is struggling with this to HOLD ON. Fight your way through it. End the drama and constant heartache and get control of your life back. I know it is hard; it took me 6 years to really, truly let go and there will be crying nights, loneliness, sadness…..fihgt your way through it because once you get to the other side where there is peace and happiness and love, you will realize that it was worth it. My experience hsa taught me that I never want to loose myself again to anyone. I’d rathe be alone. And I also thought I’d never find anyone better or like him. I don’t want anyone like him. I see how totally wrong he was for me. I deserve 1000x better than what he gave me. But his lies in making me think he was a king kept me there. When I look at men now, I realize how much better I could have done. I am scared to date again but I am excited to connect with a REAL human being who has compassion, honesty, integrity and love. I now realize that anything and everything with him was DOOMED because of who he is.
I know the struggle to let these individuals go is beyond hard but muster all of your strength and fight it. The withdrawal is hard but fight your way through. Talk to family, friends, loved ones, therpaist….to help you through. It is worth it.
Thanks again Positivagirl.
Thank you Diana its really good to hear that you have found your feet. That you are moving forward in life. It is funny when you look back and see how you were blinded and kept blind. After a while the spell slowly wears off.
What if I said I was sociopathic, would you immediately consider me evil?
Hi no. I am not a writer that says all sociopaths are ‘evil’ that is stupid. I am sure that there is good and bad in all people. Non sociopaths can be guilty of doing selfish inconsiderate behaviour. Thing is with sociopaths that they have no empathy for anybody else, or anyone elses needs apart from themselves. They can cause mass destruction to someone elses life, by lying, deception, manipulation and control. But no… I don’t think that all sociopaths are evil, but I do think that sometimes the outcome of your actions (particularly ruining and smear campaigns) can be deemed as evil, as the outcome for the victim can be catastrophic.
postivagirl, your reply here is so spot on. I think the sociopaths are just damaged from childhood, a few maybe evil, but it’s all due to the lack of empathy and some form of “damage to them”.
And yes the lack of empathy causes havoc, immense pain and cruel actions to the targeted person. These actions are inhumane often, and are calculated too, e.g. smear campaign, hence why I think people call it evil. To me, they are just very misguided due to their distorted view of the world, they just “don’t get it” or care about the pain they cause, because without empathy how could they, and as a result these are cruel actions on the targeted person.
Empathy is a core trait of what it is to be human. Without it they are robotic and cold, and without any feeling of empathy for your target (person who is the sociopaths supply), nothing stops them once, twice, on and on.
It’s sad all around, and once a target has given their trust to a sociopath, it is going to be hurtful.
And your views on sociopaths are very flawed, you are using information based on personal experience to judge up to 4 percent of the entire world’s population
What makes you think this?
I am never going to get over this and him. I feel numb.
Hi Beverly, you WILL, I PROMISE.
Feeling numb is NORMAL. Please read the post, the five stages of grief and the healing process. It can feel surreal, your mind is spinning in a fog of confusion.
How did this happen? How has this happened to you? Why has this happened? It makes no sense, and you struggle to find the truth and to understand. Feeling numb is a protection – everything just feels surreal.
I have been where you are right now, and I promise that you can and will come out the other side – if you allow yourself to.
Hi, I’m struggling to get over my interactions with my sociopathic ex, because he was my first true love and I thought he was the one for me longer term. Any advice for someone where it was their first love too?
Anonymous, for you to make all these accusations, I believe you’re probably somebody’s ex on this thread. Why don’t you take your SP self to another website to get your thrill.
Hi I married a girl that turns out to be exactly what you describe as a sociopath… How can you find help for a person with such a problem, and how can you prove that she is a sociopath, can a doctor be able to diagnose such problem… My son is in danger in her hands because of her behavior it’s like I married satans daughter… I’m facing criminal charges because of her lies, I’m out on bail and with all my prayers I run into your website, and now I have clarity becuSe all you say is all she is a completely compulsive lyer only thinks for her self has no love or care about anyone no feelings cold hearted very crazy and confusing becuse I love my wife but she doesn’t have any conscious or care about the consequences of her actions, always looking to find more and more people to make her lies bigger and bigger… Her soul perpuos to get married to was to get a green card now that she’s here she doesn’t need anymore and she found out that by domestic violence she can self petition, that gave her the way out and she’s hurting us so much… I’m so confused and feel so bad thinking of how she doesn’t care about us as a family… That’s what we all would like to have but she’s so into her self that don’t even care of the outcome, the care of our son his emotional stability raising him together but she take everything for granted…
Try not to show emotion to her she is feeding of the craziness she is causing you it only makes you look like the crazy one do the same in court if you’re looking irrational you will be deemed as irrational. Find a lawyer and therapist who deal with personality disorders especially sociopathy.
I was just talking to a woman in despair, and you shut it down. this woman is DEAD because of this!!!!!!! You guys do not care about shit!
??? What do you mean? Shut what down?
Hi Positive, I think that person calling out this site is a fraud. Its probably one of the SPs wrote about on here or their stupid gf trying to discrete this site. Just think about it, you don’t take down someone conversation thread. How sad these SPs are trying to fool someone.
Hi, Are you able to write about what happens when they come back and why they come back .. im going through a whole new range of emotions .. im not blindsighted this time .. I know exactly what he is and what he did im still trying to pick up the pieces of how much he broke me 😦 But Its like the left side of my brain is fighting with the right side of my brain – why would I even entertain a conversation with him .. even feel sorry for him and give him the opportunity to make me feel worthless and humiliated again ? which is exactly what he does .. is he just coming back to have another shot at the drama and hurt ? because there is nothing left to take from me
Hi Winnie, I am fairly sure that i have written about this. Would be in the earlier posts.
You ask why do they come back? Think about it from a sociopath perspective, they have a very short term thinking. So they think ‘right now’ and always ‘what is in it for me’ what is in it for them, changes depending on whatever other options they have available to them.
Another thing comes along, off they go….. and how bad you are. They often try to keep in contact with former partners, at least remotely on a string, without allowing you into their life (as they keep their own life private). They come back, simply because ‘they can’.
That is it really…. because they can. Do they come back just to destroy you and hurt you? Not always unless they think that they owe you one, and are coming back to teach you a lesson!! They can come back, as this feels convenient from them (unless teaching you a lesson, its rarely personal) its just about them.
Even if they tell you the words how this is beneficial for you – rarely is it like this…. what they don’t tell you is actually this is beneficial for them. If it wasn’t they wouldn’t do it. They stop doing it, when it is no longer beneficial for them, or a better option comes along.
I’m in the same boat!!! My 4 year living arrangement with my sp ended in March, however we maintained sexual relations, etc. I had finally had enough and blocked him on facebook, phone, etc. After 53 days of no contact he emailed me two weeks ago, and I went right back into it. He was coming over for lunch, calling, texting, etc. It’s so frustrating to know exactly what he is, but let myself fall for it again.
I feel like it’s equivalent to an addiction. I get the high for a couple weeks, which clearly feels good, and then he moves on to someone else, and I’m left feeling miserable all over again. I wish I could just get past it. It’s hard to see that I’ll ever be the same as I was before him, and it’s so depressing…..until him, I was a strong woman who would have never put up with this behavior from someone, and never did. They have this poisonous personality that is so boisterous they leave you feeling so empty when they are gone. I know being done with him is for the best, what can I do to make sure I don’t fall for this over and over?
Thanks positivagirl.. your so right .. it is because he can .. 😦 makes me feel pretty shitty.. and lacking self respect … I feel the same Favoritet. Its just like the song.. “hes like chocolate cake and cigarette’s but I just cant leave him alone”
Hi, from Southern California!
Have you noticed a pattern in Sociopaths spreading Sexual Transmitted Diseases? I witnessed my Sociopath boyfriend of 6 years, hiding his Herpes medication! Come to find out he was diagnosed with Incurable Herpes when he was 24… He’s now 57. Of course, as a Sociopath, he hid his STD from me for all those years. At the start of our relationship he let me know, for some fake reason, he could not wear condoms. As if he hasn’t done enough damage, he’s got to put my health in jeopardy.
Oh gosh, nicci, am so sorry that this has happened to you. You must feel completely violated. This is such a violation of you, and your body.
I can’t say that this is something that I have either experienced or heard of before. But I could see someone being that vindictive (ie they caught it from a woman, therefore other women should be punished for it).
To lie about such a thing and to deliberately have sex with you without using protection, is truly shocking. I can only imagine how you must feel.
What a horrible, selfish individual he is 😦
It’s absolutely common because they a- don’t feel bad about it, and b- they don’t think about protection or outcomes like that because they are only focused on what they want. THEY want to have sex with you so much they don’t care what happens after. They can only see their immediate needs and focus on them.
Thank you favoritet
I feel like I’m living in a dream…. Dazed & Confused
For him to allow me to be so vulnerable with my health is on a level I didn’t know existed!
It took me a very long time to catch on to 1 of the rules of his game…..
To get away with all his indiscretions, they have to be ‘unbelievable’
So that’s what they are ‘unbelievable’….
Example: content girlfriend is the whole package (brains,beauty & brawn) boyfriend picks up an undesirable, homeless woman for a quick one and contracts Scabies. Nobody he knows would believe or even consider that a possibility. He then creates a believable excuse, and says he contracted Scabies from wet towels in the gym locker room.
Maybe this will help someone see the light faster!
I know Nicci, it is mind blowing…. it is disrespect on a level, that we couldn’t even begin to think about or comprehend. The violation that you feel, it hits to the inner core of you. The hurt, the pain, the disgust… its violation.
And as for his lies about the wet towels from the gym locker room…. I hope that this guy is out of your life now? He sounds like bad bad bad news!! 😦 How are you feeling right now? I just know that level of violation, comes under (to me) sexual abuse. I hope that you realise this and if you sought counselling or therapy, would be effective to have a therapist that understood sexual abuse.
How you feel right now is NORMAL https://datingasociopath.com/2013/11/13/leaving-the-sociopath-and-the-fog-of-confusion/
What has happened to you is NOT normal…. but how you feel is. What has happened to you, is a severe breach of trust, invasion of your personal space, and a sexual violation.
This cannot be minimised because it is serious what he has done. If he has said to you it is not a big deal, sorry but it IS a big deal. Sending you a hug, as that is such a horrible thing to happen.
Also this one Nicci https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/confusion-and-bewilderment-of-the-victim/
Nicci—I totally get the “unbelievable” thing!! How many times have you referred to them or their behavior as “that is unbelievable!” About ten minutes ago I was discussing my ex and my co-worker said it then…..they are unfathomable….and I 100% believe they’re evil. Mine is a sergeant with the local county police department. It’s mind games all the time for him. I Pity who’s next…..
Have you read Psychpath Free by Peace? It literally saved me….
I don’t know about evil, I think its more a mental health condition. A serious one, but definitely mental health issues.
I was in a relationship for 12 years, 7 of them married to a woman who I now learned has anti social personality disorder. I’ve now experienced the 3rd level of discard. After telling me she loved me and missed me, an hour later I was served divorce papers. I’ve lived through the lies and believing each lie in fear of losing her. Made excuses for her behavior. Blamed myself for losing her. All the emotions everyone here expresses. Through a great support system including her own father, I am coping much better. I do have a question though that is very serious in my mind. My wife filed for divorce and I’ve never heard another word from her..nothing. That was nearly 2 months ago. I should mention that when I caught her cheating in 2007 it was the same way. Didn’t hear from her for an extended period. As soon as she learned that I had a female friend she began stalking and was relentless in winning me back. I went back in fear of what she was capable of doing to my friend.
My question is..now that she filed for divorce and effectively killed her “prey” meaning me, should I have a concern or fear that she will be back? I again have a female friend (friend only) and am concerned. Or is it safe to believe she is gone for good? I would appreciate any comments on this. Thank You
Hi Dan,
YOU have the choice not to allow her back into your life. You don’t have to be scared of her. If she comes back and harasses you, and causes you distress, then call the police and file a harassment charge.
Keep records of any contact that she makes with you, and file a complaint against her for it. Believe me sociopaths love to use the law against you – but they don’t like to be restrained by the law.
I know after one has turned your world upside down, it can be difficult to believe that this is just ‘it’. It sounds to me like you have a female friend that you ‘like’ but you are scared to go any further in case she resurfaces – or is it because you don’t want to go there, as you don’t know if she will come back?
You know that this is not good for you, or healthy for you. At the end of the day, she has filed for divorce, your relationship is over, and you are free to do whatever you want, and be with whoever you want. If she doesn’t like that, well tough really.
I know in real life with one it isn’t that simple, but it can be if you want it to be. You have the power and the control over YOUR life. She doesn’t. She is your ex and one for a reason. So let her carry on taking her carnage elsewhere.
Tell her straight (send it by text) if she continually contacts you. We are over, We are finished we are never getting back together. Do not contact me again. If she continues to do so, despite this, then report her for harassment and stalking, and no dont feel bad about her needs, as she clearly doesn’t feel bad about yours. She isn’t your responsibility anymore. I know that sounds harsh and hard… but with sociopaths it is the only way that you can be, as if they see an opportunity to get one foot in the door, they will…. and yes they would win you back, just because they can. Yes she would destroy your friendship, just because she could… it doesn’t mean you would be with her.
As for her ‘gone for good’ never think that…. as they often resurface.
Thank you so much for replying. No my female friend is just a friend, though we are very close for many years. She’s the girl I should have been with and was too dumb to know it. I am seeing a psychologist who has advised that it’s ok to see her as my friend but for now I shouldn’t even consider a relationship as it wouldn’t be healthy for me until I learn to deal with what has happened to me. I found that to be smart advice. I mention my wife coming back because it happened before but I knew nothing of this disorder at the time. I thought ASPD was something I had because I get nervous in large groups. Now I know better. My wife as an extensive history of this behavior as I was her 3rd husband. I was even led to believe she was already divorced when she was grooming me. I think she discarded him when she had me hooked. In her previous marriage she cheated with someone who she thought she had groomed but when the day came for him to be with her, she went to his house and found him with his wife. She put a baseball through his home window.
I am shocked and amazed that after 12 years she could just cut me off like I was dead. Her children cut me off as dead also. All of our friends abandoned me. The only one left supporting me is her father who sees her for what she is. I now understand why. My fear is that she is capable of filing for divorce to try and get me under control, make me beg to come back as she knows I was in love with her (not that she cares about that ). It can go either way. If I sign the papers she could be out of control OR if I don’t sign. Who knows what will happen. I just worry she’s not done with me yet.
Dan, I hear what you are saying.
If I was sat in a room with you, I was a counsellor and you were my client ….
What jumped from the page to me …. was
I AM AMAZED THAT AFTER 12 YEARS SHE COULD JUST CUT ME OFF LIKE I WAS DEAD
I think that this is key?
I wanted to check this with you, before I go further.
Yes, I said 12 years and she cut me off like I was dead. Now I do realize that time has no meaning to a person like this. That is just something in my head. What hurts is my stepchildren and the friends we had doing the same thing. I can only wonder what she told them all.
She is probably playing a game. knows that you love her, and testing you out to see your response. She can hold out and hold out for a long time, its all a game, and everyone else is sadly players in the game.
Your comment reminds me of this post https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/coping-with-pain-after-discard/
I have not even tried to contact her since I received the divorce papers and have no intention to do so. When it all happened just 2 months ago I sat and waited to hear from her. Checked my email all the time, jumped when phone rang at work. Not now. I have no expectation of hearing from her now nor do I have a desire to reach out to her. I have gone from hurt and emotionally destroyed to (thanks to doctor and this forum) feeling pity for her. That’s all she gets from me..pity
No sooner than i posted my story about being worried about contact, i get an email tonight from her. Very short, apologizing for contacting me and telling me i received a letter at her house and she was forwarding to me. I found this very odd that we’ve gone 2 months without a word and now an email for something so trivial. I did respond with “do not contact me again for any reason whatsoever” Hoping i handled it correctly
Hi Dan,
This is a common one, to randomly contact you about something ‘you want’ this is often how they get the foot in the door.
Yes you did the right thing. Mail, if it was important and you have notified people of your new address, they will contact you themselves. Anything important anyway.
Keep going and take one day at a time. She will move onto someone new, they can’t be alone.
Maybe evil is a poor choice of wording…..I still know that they are aware of what is right and what is wrong. They choose wrong because they don’t care or feel.
Not always, they can also choose right, the problem is that the brain still goes haywire, and patterns still repeat.
What you describe has been my experience of a psychopath. Not of a sociopath.
Nicci, I’ve always wondered about my former SP’s health status because he has had sex with so many women online. Even the whore he left me for, she had been sleeping with him like a month prior to me finding out about her. In addition, he was already with some other woman while trying to come back to me. In short, I knew about the previous woman he was seeing. However, I wasn’t letting him back until he ended the relationship with her. Meanwhile, he was busy online finding others to date without me know. Then, once he broke up with the other woman I knew about; he gave me the impression we were together. In the end, betrayed me through seeking out the whore he has now. That’s the time my SP dumped me to be with her. So, with that being said, I know he has to contracted some STD like HPV (which is not an STD but contracted through skin to skin). I went to the GYN and was diagnosed with the decease again.
Even now, with all the hurt, he has apologized and wants us to be friends. Claims he doesn’t want to be enemies with me. It’s like Positivagirl says “They want to string along remotely former partners as an option. It’s all about them.” Now, he’s still with that whore and I know he’s getting tired of pretending. Reason being, in the past, he did everything in his power to prove to her he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Now, he texts me through his carrier service online (that way she doesn’t see it on his phone), he’ll call should I have a question to ask of him. When he started his relationship with the whore 2 years ago, he wouldn’t dare contact me. I pulled away from contacting him now but I just wanted to see would he take my calls. Show enough he did started answering my texts and calls. They are predators and I hope that whore gets just what she deserves. The reason for my ill feelings toward her because she called me bragging about how he was spoiling her. How she had him on the string with other guys pursuing her (this I know was a lie because should that be the case; she wouldn’t had been calling me to never contact him). She took joy out of seeing him degrade me and I want to know she got her Karma. In my eyes, she’s an SP just like him. Lastly, for her to had slept with him in no time, she must be filled with STDs and don’t even know her health status. I would never take him back.
Do not. I repeat do not get involved with any inmates. 75% are socipaths. I am an empath. He a sociopath. It is herditary from his paternal side. Mirror plus some until he sucked me dry. A family member whom he kept separate, talked to me and to find out his family to include hisown mother stays away. He I out with his sociopath father and found out these two men have sex!!! The fathet beat and sexually abused my ex as a child….and after many years of prison, he went back to that pure evil. Red flagscwere there but I typical fashion, he played the victim. He will go back to prison or worse….or for his unGodly soul? Maybe worse is a better choice. A matter of time for this gang he hangs with finds out.
I believe my husband is a narcissist for certain and maybe a sociopath. We were married on Valentine’s Day of this year and he was gone vs the middle of June. There had been about a month of total confusion on my part. Firat, I discovered he’d been contacting other women from a dating website. When I first confronted him, he was very apologetic, but still somehow made me almost feel bad for my reaction. He said something like someone so good as you will never stay with me, so I was lining something up in case you put me out. Up until my discovery, I had been blissful and thought we were living the dream. It bewildered me why he would think I would ever want to get rid of him. I told myself it was bases on his deep – seated insecurity and when he realized how much I loved him, it would go away. Also, I had what I believed to be a sincere apology and promise that he would not do it again. During the following month, it seemed like almost every day he would pick a fight about nothing. Silly things like me telling his step mother he needed an XL shirt rather than XXL. He said I was putting him down body/stature wise. He started accusing me of sleeping with other men which was the furthest thing from my mind. He started telling me he would go to strip clubs with his uncle while I visit with my family for the holidays. His arguments were over crazy tgings, but full – blown on his part. Twice, he shoved me around. The second time he did that, I told him to leave. He tried to get back in my life twice, but berated me when I told him not without proof of counseling or anger – management classes first and said I was the crazy one who could benefit from counseling. While I was so confused at first and begging him for explanations or closure, he would tell me act normal and move on. That is what normal people do. In the course of a month, he had gone from being my husband who was going to be with me forever to a man who was coolly indifferent, who said he had no desire to be with me ever again. It has been about 4 months since he left. I have filed for divorce because that is what I want and because that is what he told me he wants. Almost a month ago, I had the court send the complaint to the address he provided to me by certified mail and he has not picked it up from the post office. Can you offer any possible explanation for this? He has been very emphatic in expressing his desire to be rid of such a horribly deformed crazy b $!@&. I am physically pretty and far from crazy or the other word he likes to throw around. Why does he not go pick up the divorce complaint and be done with me?
Hi Jennifer,
His behavior sounds odd, not sure about necessarily sociopathic. I’m wondering how long you knew him before marrying. Also wondering why he left in June.
The kind of behaviors you describe could be representative of many kinds of personal problems—troubled past, self-image issues, and several other combinations.
Why doesn’t he pick up the documents? Maybe because then he is defeated. While you are the punching bag, he isn’t the trainwreck he secretly realizes he is. You might also call the PO and confirm that the box even exists as he may’ve given you a false address to deflect dealing with you (meaning: him/this mess he’s caused) at all.
What do you do from here? Whew. I hate to advocate ever leaving a marriage, but I do wonder how much you really knew him beforehand, and the behaviors he seems to exhibit require professional help. Help he doesn’t seem in any way willing to accept or admit he has need of. No one could or should tell you what to do, but if I were sure I was out on this, I would track him down, have him served and thank God and the stars it didn’t get any worse.
I know you posted a list of how to know whether or not one could tell if they were dating a sociopath, however I’m confused because my situation was complicated.
In the beginning, my ex, Kalin, seemed like everything I ever wanted. We met online and he was charming, handsome, ambitious, a true sweetheart-everything a girl could ask for. I had just gotten out of a rocky relationship (my ex had self-love issues which resulted in him forcing me into having an abortion and breaking up with me), but Kalin was very understanding and attentive. He wasn’t very happy with me still having feelings for my ex, and in hindsight, I should’ve waited more than 2 months to get into a new relationship, but nevertheless, he was a great boyfriend. I met his friends and family too. They all seemed like a great bunch.
I didn’t notice anything wrong until about a month into our relationship. By this time, one of his friends had started dating one of mine and we would talk about them from time to time. It started becoming an issue though, because Kalin would tell his friend things I would tell him about mine- even things about her past that weren’t necessary for his friend to know. It resulted in my friend being upset with me, and from there, I started having issues communicating with my friends regarding him.
As far as our overall relationship was concerned, I started noticing that he didn’t make an effort to spend time with me. If he did, I was an oversight. If we had a date scheduled, he’d show up whenever he felt like it, if at all. One time, my parents invited him to dinner, he never showed (he had a justifiable excuse but didn’t bother to call) and it left a bad taste in my parents’ mouths. From then on, he refused to come around any of my friends and family and would constantly remind me of how much he didn’t like him.
I finally got tired around the 3-month mark, but instead of breaking up with him, I went out and got drunk and ended up cheating. I have always and will always take full responsibility for my mistake, because I had other options. I felt like the right thing to do was to tell him the truth. He wasn’t a bad person, I just felt neglected. So I confessed 4 days later. He was upset, but after a week of not speaking, he decided his love for me would help us get past it. At first I did too.
Things were going pretty good for the first few weeks after I confessed, but then he went on a trip with his family to Mexico. When he came back, he told me about a girl he met who he thought was better than me. He said his family thought she looked better than me. He would post pictures of other women on his social media but never me. He’d say it was because they were eye candy and I wasn’t. He had told all his friends about me and he would never defend me when they would be rude to me. He went through my phone, emails, and social media and would constantly accuse me of lying. He would always tell me I was stupid, that I was a liar, that I needed to change in order to be with him, that his friends and family thought I wasn’t a good fit.
It got so bad that when I thought I was pregnant (it turned out to be a tumor), he denied it. Even after I found out it wasn’t a tumor, he wasn’t there for my surgery and he would always say I was being dramatic about how serious the situation was. It got so bad that I would stop asking him to come around my friends and family and I tried my hardest to become apart of his but it seemed like the more Id try, the worse he’d treat me. It was so bad that I would constantly break down from his belittling and harassment. He would always get mad if I tried to talk to anyone about my feelings but him, but when I did, he’d go on the attack. I felt crazy and alone.
I know he just sounds like he was just being spiteful, but I’m wondering if he was a sociopath for these reasons: 1.) He would NEVER, EVER apologize for anything. 2.) Every thing was always my fault. 3.) He would constantly use my words and feelings against me. As an example, when we first met, I was completely honest about the person I was, but during our relationship he would point out how “questionable” I had been since the beginning and use examples from when we first met as a reference for things I needed to change. 4.) He was very judgmental and self-righteous. As an example, one of his friends’ girlfriends broke it off because she was tired of how he (Kalins’ friend) would allow Kalin to berate her about things he felt she wasn’t doing right 5.) He was a liar. The only times I ever found out he was lying was when he would tell me the truth in order to try to get me to stay. As an example, when we first got together, he told me he had never cheated in the past. I hadn’t either. But after I did, he would always throw my infidelity in my face and question my morals, but when I was ready to leave, he admitted that he had cheated on all his exes in the past. He also had an extensive criminal record that I was previously unaware of. 6.) He tries to control his parents and little brother. When they do something he’s against, he harasses them- he even punched his mom in the face before. 7.) Whenever he would hurt me, he would tell me I deserved to suffer and nothing he has or will ever do to him will be as bad as me cheating. 8.) He would manipulate situations in order to spark a reaction. Then he would laugh at me and act as if my emotional response came from nowhere. As an example, he had once told me his ex was being disrespectful to our relationship and me directly. I confronted her about it and when she responded, she said she had no idea what I was talking about and that I looked insecure. It turned out that he told her he had no idea why I approached her because he never felt that anything she did was inappropriate. He just wanted to see if id say something.
I apologize for the length. I just wanted to provide everything. I’ve gone to counseling, but I think knowing whether or not he is a sociopath will help me. At least if I know it was his personality and not me or my infidelity , I will stop feeling like I deserved being treated the way I was. My therapist calls it abuse, I call it him being hurt.
Hi Toni,
You last paragraph really stands out to me, especially the last thought about your therapist calling it abuse but you terming it as hurt. Whether your ex is a sociopath or not, he’s definitely been able to do a number on your head. I know it’s easier said than done, but I think you’ll have to stop rationalizing his behaviors and demonizing your own—like he’s taught you.
You’re right in that many of the incidents seem sociopathic. He has gamed you, used you, toyed with you, manipulated you and very much abused your emotions.
You say you need to know it was his personality and not your infidelity. Did it not help you to know he’s cheated on every person he’s been with? When he lied about your friend’s behavior to basically set you up so he could watch the show, did it not level the playing field for you?
I think you’re putting more stock in his well-placed words to you than in reconciling his actual actions against them, which don’t join up and is exactly what he wants. While you are the demon, he can be snowy white. He abuses you and laughs at you wondering how you can’t see what he’s doing, while simultaneously patting himself on the back for being so ingenious.
It is NOT you. A devious mind is only capable of diseased messes. Sadly, he probably doesn’t even know the difference. He needs someone for a punching bag, and you’ve been it. But you don’t have to buy into his deluded fairytale. Your therapist is trying to help you through; please try to buy-in to the truth.
You really need the external perspective to piece this together. I’m so sorry he said things to you then behaved counter to his claims for his own purposes and amusement. Whether he’s a sociopath or not, he isn’t careful in any way with you or your feelings (which is what love does); he is immature and deceitful; he is purposely hurtful; and he hasn’t honored you as you deserve.
It’s doubtful he can even learn to see the real you because he is such a mess. Good for you deciding to go to therapy. If you have parental support (it sounds like you could have if you can talk to your family), that could be very helpful right now too. Wishing you the best.
Hi, what is meant by ‘gas lighting’?
Accusing you of doing things you didn’t do (often accusing you of things that they have done), feeding you false and misleading information, being fake nice to mislead you, moving things around and accusing you of being scatty and misplacing things, basically taking control of your senses and altering your mind.
Oh so that’s gas-lighting… that explains a lot, including the weird poltergeist in the house! My SP was so bonkers, I concluded. I didn’t know what to believe, and she would say anything, whatever came into her head, to explain anything. Like most liars, she forgot half her lies so they became obvious, e.g. the urgent cancer scare in hospital that only I, the ex, was to know about, that was forgotten the following week. Impossible to deal with, once I realised that’s what’s going on as I could never separate fact from fiction, which means I never really knew her. Sad, but I keep reminding myself, the sadness is on her side. I have it in my power to get out and resolve my life, she is truly stuck.
Thanks.
Yes you are right you do have the power… Thing is they get so caught up in their lies they can believe them to be true too.
My “N” wife discarded me 3 months ago and I’ve never heard another word from her, All of our friends and her family also seem to have discarded me including my step children who I loved very much. I have regular contact with her father and stepmother who see her for what she really is. I’m expecting final divorce papers any day now. I see this as a Total Discard as there has been no contact whatsoever. Am I correct in this and am I safe to assume she’s done with me?
Hi Dan, discard is painful, especially when so called friends and particularly children leave your life too. It can feel like it’s your fault. When it’s not. Discard from others is often due to the lies that they tell about you. Not about you, whatever you did it would never have been enough and in her mind she is right. Have you heard the last of her? Often they pop back up. Even if weeks or months have passed. Usually this is just for their own narcissistic supply. The good thing is this that you have peace and while this can be painful, remember that there is healing in silence.
My problem seems to be that for as thankful as I am to be away from my wife, I also miss her terribly. I’m afraid that the mere sound of her voice or her showing up at the door will cancel out my feelings of relief and I could fall back in. I don’t think I could handle it twice. I have many good days but as the divorce paper arrival draws near, I seem to be relapsing into the pain. I try to understand that she’s toxic and has told each friend and step child a different story for them to discard me like trash. In spite of it all, for all the cheating, lying and hurt I still find myself missing my wife. I also miss the kids and one friend in particular very much. I was always very close to my step daughter especially and am very hurt she is gone. I would have never expected it.
Friend, I really feel for you. Especially about your relationship with the children. When your ex comes back into your life, who knows what her mood will be? I’ve just heard from mine, she wonders if she hurt me…! What understatement, she has forgotten. So as to your ex, there is no telling what her state of mind is. But stay strong, you are in the right place on this website, and you may get good advice. Right now I am repeating to myself that ‘there is healing in silence’ and I hope you can use your time now to that end, to be strong when the call comes.
Hi. I would first like to say thank you for this site. It has really helped me come to terms with everything I am going through.
I am going through the slander stage at the moment me and my ex split early Febuary, he broke it off. Things where getting bad and to be honest if he didn’t I would of. A friend introduced us and the relationship moved forward and a few months later we broke up. Unfortuently, I had already started working for him by then, nobody in the office new that we where ever together. He didn’t want anybody to know and persuaded me not to say anything. He then kept texting me and coming round with pizza and things saying how much he missed me and how much he really wanted a family ect. I found out later on that he was see his ex again through all of this. We never got back together, this again was on his own terms. He doesn’t know that I know about the other girls. Things got worse and worse at work, I had to sit there and listen to him lieing to everybody about how he was an only child (he has a sister) he never told me he had a sister but his mum introduced her to a several of friends that we have in common. Obviously he isolated them from me too…. Well tried to, those bridges have now been re-built. They new what he was like with other relationships he had in the past.
A few more months moved on and things got so bad that I was proscribed medication from the doctor to help with anaxitety and depression. I was at braking point but couldn’t leave because I was to scared. I found out that he met somebody and six weeks later her and her son moved in with him. I took this as a chance to take another job offer and run. Hoping he will be too loved up and occupied with his new relationship to be bothered by me leaving. I was wrong.
He acused me of stilling from him and that he was going to report me to the police and suspended me. This all happen 2 days after I handed in my notice. He rang my friend up trying to persuade her that I had stolen from him. She told him that I wouldn’t do something like that. She then told me what happened. He was trying to make her not be my friend anymore, it didn’t work. He then rang me and said that he didn’t think that I did it and that he wasn’t going to report me to the police. I figured out later, when I returned to work that it was done by him. He slipped up on one small thing that otherwise would have been a perfect getaway. Yet again I didn’t say anything to anybody, he scares me so much. Things got even worse and he put me on garden leave (again he was isolating me away from everybody that I worked with) I came in to pick up my personal items and started to hand over to the everybody. As they deserve to know what’s going on with my work as they will now be doing it. He was out of the office, he saw me pull up ignored me and drove off, he came flying back in accusing me of stealing from him again blah blah blah.
I have been gone 6 weeks now and people that I use to work with are now deleting me from Facebook and other sites. All I think is that They all think that I am this really bad person who was stealing and anything else that he has been saying about me.
He also slandered me so much that it ruined a new, potentially great, relationship.
None of them no the truth that, as much as I don’t like to admit it, I am the victim. I really want to tell them what he has been doing, what he has been saying but I don’t think that they would believe me as he is one of the most charismatic and most manipulating person I have ever Met. but I think they have the right to know the truth and make up there own minds? I don’t think I can take the lies anymore. Should I tell them the truth? Or will this make things even worse? Have you any advise for me? He is also threatening me about getting me sacked at my current job by putting me under investigation by the police. I have told my new boss about all that’s happened. he said not allow ‘the ex’ to torment me at my work place and if he starts that they will take action to support me.
I think people need to hear my side of the story but i am scared. Scared for myself and scared mostly for the others that still work for him.
What do you think I should do?
Please help.
Is it hereditary – could one of our off spring also be a sociopath – is it nature or nurture and could they learn from him and his modelling ?
I think so. One in my life i wrote about, his father was a charismatic charmer who cheated on his mother, nature or nurter…… yes i think do.
thanks for response is there any recognized psychological help or therapy to help manage the condition? ( not that they would probably want it ) but thinking of children in teens
Hi
How would an Antisocial react if a “prey”(a sensitive, or/and depressed person) forestalls him (I don’t know, she just doesn’t like him), when he is going to establish contact with her (him), and she (he) leaves him (leave the place with impulsivity- kid’s impulsivity)?
So, he (the antisocial) goes with his overconfident “charm” (which I found disgusting), and I leave fast.
I ask this because some ugly guy sited down closer from me, he touched my leg with his hand in order to create contact, he seemed happy and confident, then he gave me a little(lightly) elbow punch… in order to establish contact with me… which I found really disgusting.
I think that I waited too much, in fact I wanted leave when he just sited down at my side, and I would really have left after he touched my leg!!!!! Yea but I didn’t and now I’m feeling really bad because I didn’t react, I was scared and confused, probably depressed.
I would like to return to the past and leave when he sited at my side, especially when he touched me! I m really feeling bad for this.
Is there any treatment for it? I am thinking of one of my sons.
Hi Soul in the city. No, it is who they are. They lack in empathy, they lack the same range of human emotions so they fake it.
They only ever make change if there is something ‘in it for them’ its all about them. Always. Like the whole world revolves around them.
So far, there is no known treatment that works.
I just blocked a guy who I think is a sociopath. Please comment. I am a little confused about it.
We dated for a while and then he broke it off after asking me how I felt about him twice. Each time I responded in the affirmative. Prior to this always had a story of how his exes had done him wrong and that he had OCD and ADHD. I believed him even after he accused of giving him scabies. Of course that was untrue.Then I made a mistake of trying to stay a friend after the break up. I was confused and floored when he tried to sleep with me. I then made the mistake of sleeping with him out of anger that he would treat me that way. I did thinking that I would get him back. I still thought that I loved him however I could keep my distance and not get back in a relationship with him. It seems he knew my weakness for him. He would call me after that and tell me more stories of how he had been hurt by people he dated. And I fell for it every time. We would hang out and he would try to sleep with me. I would be upset about it and refuse except on last time. During the act, I did not feel safe and realized that he was actually detached. It was life the charade was over and I began to sense a darkness. He then started dating another person and would try to talk to me about that person. Once again it was about how he was getting bored and then he switched to talking about how sex always got in the way. This was all why he was posting pictures of going on dates etc. I realized that I needed to break the tie. I silently unfriended him on facebook and deleted all text messages and emails. I failed to block his phone number. He then texted me saying that I was cold for unfriending him and made a joke about my being made for not having friendship priviledges I once had. He also referred to himself as three different personas. I thought to myself why didn’t you just let it go. Then I realized how long I had been manipulated. I got mad and made the mistake of replying. He then responded with a disengenuous dear John letter where he played the victim and to dismiss me form his life. It was like he had to win. I thought this guy is really off. He already had another love interest why not just leave me alone? But I now believe this was another instance of anger he used to exhibit whenever I challenged his behavior. His phone number is now blocked.
I just blocked a guy who I think is a sociopath. Please comment. I am a little confused about it.
We dated for a while and then he broke it off after asking me how I felt about him twice. Each time I responded in the affirmative. Prior to this always had a story of how his exes had done him wrong and that he had OCD and ADHD. I believed him even after he accused of giving him scabies. Of course that was untrue.Then I made a mistake of trying to stay a friend after the break up. I was confused and floored when he tried to sleep with me. I then made the mistake of sleeping with him out of anger that he would treat me that way. I did thinking that I would get him back. I still thought that I loved him however I could keep my distance and not get back in a relationship with him. It seems he knew my weakness for him. He would call me after that and tell me more stories of how he had been hurt by people he dated. And I fell for it every time. We would hang out and he would try to sleep with me. I would be upset about it and refuse except on last time. During the act, I did not feel safe and realized that he was actually detached. It was life the charade was over and I began to sense a darkness. He then started dating another person and would try to talk to me about that person. Once again it was about how he was getting bored and then he switched to talking about how sex always got in the way. This was all why he was posting pictures of going on dates etc. I realized that I needed to break the tie. I silently unfriended him on facebook and deleted all text messages and emails. I failed to block his phone number. He then texted me saying that I was cold for unfriending him and made a joke about my being made for not having friendship priviledges I once had. He also referred to himself as three different personas. I thought to myself why didn’t you just let it go. Then I realized how long I had been manipulated. I got mad and made the mistake of replying. He then responded with a disengenuous dear John letter where he played the victim and to dismiss me form his life. It was like he had to win. I thought this guy is really off. He already had another love interest why not just leave me alone? But I now believe this was another instance of anger he used to exhibit whenever I challenged his behavior. His phone number is now blocked.
Knowing that I am a compliant person, always wanting to make others happy, what I want to have taught is the kind of person who falls in love with a sociopath, or psychopath, or narcissist. We need to know who WE are and how to grow in the areas that will prevent us from hurting ourselves. The most important is knowing when to say, “No,” because it is actually good for the other person.
This is true, it can be hard to say no. I have found it hard to say no. You know, when you say yes to someone all of the time what you are actually doing is restricting their own personal learning. I did read somewhere that we can attract negative karma towards us by doing so.
Hello and thank you for this blog! I really need some help trying to determine if I dated a sociopath or not. This is going to be long. Part of me feels he was and the other part is still questioning. I met a man through some friends last year. I thought he was very handsome. He comes to my town once a month. he works in sales and travels all over the southeast. We saw each other in February 2014 briefly and then texted a bit and went out on a first date at the end of March. This guy has the ultimate in charisma, smile, eyes, just reels you in. And seemed like the sweetest thing. We slept together on the first night We both had too much to drink. Our correspondence continued via text and he would call . I don’t love talking on the phone so text always worked best for me. Now this is a man that works in the southeastern US and his home where is teenage son is in Arizona. He told me he and his wife were separated for 5 years and that she was mentally unwell and had threatened to harm herself if he divorced her. Plus he expressed sadness over his son. He had an apartment in Atlanta when we met but by the end April he was moving out of that place and basically in with me when he had downtime. Now we never really talked about this. He was traveling to me nearly every weekend and I guess we both just assumed he would stay with me when he was in town. We had a lot of fun and common interests and I thought he was the perfect man. he would tell me how beautiful I was and how amazing and sweet. Never did he say I love you except one time he said he was falling for me too and this was in July. He wrote a note to me on the chalkboard in my kitchen saying he was glad to be home and that he was falling in love with me too. I got up in the middle of the night and saw it. He erased it the next morning before I got up. ?? I really trusted this guy. A Lot. he seemed to be a christian and I just felt like he was so hurt by his ex wife I never pressured him or anything I just accepted whatever he told me. He opened up a little about his ex wife but she was the crazy one and she was always saying bed things to their son to make him look bad. He would only talk if I pressed him. Now this is someone that travels all week and entertains. Over time he corresponded less and less. I mean we would text daily but there would be dead spots. I introduced him to all my friends and he knew all about my life and I knew nothing about his unless I asked. He never talked of the future. Fast forward to right before thanksgiving. He had been working in TN that week and came back to see me on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I had a funny feeling that week. I don’t know what it was but I went looking for answers. I had never looked at this phone or computer but he has a facebook account designated only for diving activities. We are not facebook friends at all. It didn’t really both me. But he had friend requested a woman that lived in TN the tuesday before Thanksgiving while he was traveling there. Something didn’t sit well. I didn’t confront him because he thought I would look crazy. He had thanksgiving dinner with me and then went to his son in AZ. I told him the night before Thanksgiving that I loved him and that was the third time I had told him. I asked him if he would ever be able to tell me he loved me and he said yes. They went on a business trip to Hawaii for 8 days and the communication was sparse and I respected that and his time with his son. He never told me when he was coming back here. Yes I know I am an idiot. So the day he is coming back he’s like I land at such and such time. I was so disgusted that he didn’t respect me enough to tell me when he was coming back until the day he came back that I took all of his things out of my house and put them in his car which was parked at the airport with a note basically saying we are not in the same place and this had to be goodbye for now. He texted me when he got the note saying he did not understand but would respect my decision. We went back and forth His texts were meaningless and full of empty words. how could he look at me like that and just throw it all away? Maybe he just wasn’t into me but why did he stay around for 9 months? Sorry if I am wasting anyones time by reading this. He just seems incapable of real feelings.
I am so thankful to know that i am not alone right now… i need help being strong. my ex, is an absolute sociopath and it has broken my heart time and time again. we have a toddler together,and he has been a mainly absent parent to our child. i have finally worked up the courage to end things for good, to be responsible and not deal with the disrespect and pain anymore, but our son has a half brother that his dad had with another woman 6 years ago. during our “good” periods the boys had always played and grew very attached to each other. The half brothers mom has my contact information and knows that i have left my ex. She has recently messaged me asking if we can get the boys together. She has tendencies similar to his (from what he has told me– which i can’t fully trust,but have somewhat experienced with her throughout his and my relationship). I don’t know if i should try to get along with her so that the boys may see each other more frequently or if i should just keep to myself so that my son doesn’t end up hurting. any tips would be appreciated- i dont know what to do:( also, i have kept documents of the past years interactions with him, but they are not professional and i dont have proof of the things he has done. how can i make them more evidential?
First thing about believing that she has similar tendencies to him, I would suggest to check it out for yourself, as you know that they are pathological liars, and that they accuse others of being who they are. I do understand your need not to hurt your son, could you meet her alone without your son, to find out for yourself who she is?
like i said we have met a few times, she has seemed to be the type of person who is nice when they are getting what they want. i would like to visit her without his bad-mouthing affecting my opinion of her. she could be great! but she could also play that “youre keeping sage from him, give him another chance” card, when she does not truly know that he is the one who has abandoned us. i dont want to be criticized. i just want the kids to grow together. she lives about 45 minutes away so im not sure if she would be willing to meet up or cooperate unless the boys are involved… but asking this has made me a little more confident in trying to get to know her. thank you so much for the response
Very recently, Noelle asked about making documents more evidential. If you have any advice on this, I would also be very interested.
I have had no contact for almost a year now, after a 4 year relationship, & I have no problem with this because since I found out who he really is, & everything I thought I knew was a lie, I don’t want anything to do with him ever again. But I also have a son with him. When we were separated but it hadn’t ended because he was telling me he was going to sort himself out, he didn’t want to see his son at all, no matter how many times I tried. He said it was too upsetting to deal with me, so he couldn’t see his son, & I do have all his pathetic excuses saved on e-mails. And then when I ended it properly he chose to continue to not see his son. But suddenly he wanted contact with him, but I’d already got advice from a solicitor by then, & because it was his choice to not see his son for so long, he now needed to prove he was going to be consistent & reliable, so initially had to see him through a contact centre, which he won’t do, so still has no contact. The only way I know he is still around is when presents arrive for our son. I have cut off his mother as well because she is as bad & I was receiving horrible texts from her, & she suddenly started making excuses not to see my son no matter how many times I asked her! But presents arrive from her also at Christmas & Birthday’s, etc. I still have contact with his brother & partner because they also have a son, who my son plays with, & they have no contact with my ex (his own brother) & his own mum because of everything they have done to him as well. (And I do believe them, because I’ve spent time finding out for myself who they are.)
So my ex & his mother haven’t disappeared, & I don’t trust them one bit. So if he does suddenly decide to see his son, I want all my evidence in place to prove that he can never see his son without another person being there. He is dangerous, he has conned & lied to, stolen from everyone in his family, people he worked for, me, etc, so there’s no proof to say he won’t do it to his son. I have already kept a lot of emails & txts, but the rest is just me writing everything down of all the things he did, said, etc, to me & other people, but I am very aware that this is just my word against his, & as he is so good a lying, he won’t think twice about making up a load of lies about me, which again will just be my word against his!
So if there is any way to make things more evidential, I would really appreciate any advice, as this is keeping me awake at night.
Hi Liz,
It is difficult to gain evidence, when they are doing nothing to have evidence for. If all he is doing is sending Christmas, and birthday presents, if you don’t give the presents to the child, then you could be seen as manipulative and cruel and trying to keep your child away from his family.
I dont want to worry you more. I am presuming that you are in the UK, as you talk about contact centres and a solicitor? Can I ask are social services involved at all?
I know that it can feel like you are living on a knife edge waiting for the next thing. Evidence is fairly straightforward, if he sends texts/emails that are threatening, keep them. If the threatens you, contact the police. Just keep a record of everything. if it feels too bitty to you, then keep a journal, to remind you where everything is stored and located and dates and times.
Whatever you do, try not to get into playing the game. A good idea is to say that he has to go through the courts if he wants access. Sociopaths dont like having to pay for themselves (often) and certainly not complying with your wishes, so it is unlikely that you could then be accused of not being a fair parent.You are not saying that he cannot see him, only that he needs to go to a solicitor and proceed it through a court.
I know that for you this is scary, as what if he decides to do this, and lies to the court? As I know that a lot of women have been through hell fighting their ex in the legal system. If you don’t…. he could say that you are deliberately keeping your child from him that he is sending presents and asking to be a good father – but you wont let him.
If you do have social services involvement (I suspect you might if you have used a contact centre) it might be worth speaking to your social worker, as these conversations can also be used as evidence.
Thank you so much positivagirl for your response & advice.
I am in the uk. The doctor put in touch with a domestic abuse team (but it was never physical abuse. It was emotional & phycological abuse.) And they told me to see a solicitor. But I haven’t been in touch with social services. I haven’t once said to him that he can’t see his son. I pushed for it for a very long time. Then I found out who he really was, & I was relieved that he had constantly rejected all of my offers & even pleading with him to be able to separate our relationship to the relationship he could have with his son…..because now, I really hope he doesn’t ever want to have contact with him, because it will be nothing but pain & heartache at the very least for my son. But I do know, that the longer he doesn’t have contact, the more he’s got to prove that he will be consistent & reliable to his son, & a decent father, so he’ll have to see him through a contact centre for a lot longer.
It was the domestic abuse team & the solicitor that told me to have no contact, & if he wants to see his son it will have to be through a contact centre. I was told, this is what the courts will say if he ever takes it to court. And he was told all of this through letters from my solicitor, which is the only contact there is now, & he knows he has to contact my solicitor if he ever wants to go ahead with it, there is no other way to contact me. He did send me some emails, to say he would never do it this way, (which is fine by me), & he occasionally will send an odd email for his son, but they go to a separate folder so I can keep them, but I never reply to them, I don’t read them anymore, & he believes he is blocked from every form of contact, which he is, so doesn’t even know if I receive the emails!
He has done more or less everything I have read on your pages, so he’s very unpredictable, does things at the spur of the moment without thinking, lies continuously, etc, etc, & thats my worry, that he’ll suddenly change his mind, & decide to play the game by going through the contact centre & then taking it to court, etc. That is why I was wondering if there is anything I could be doing now, ready for that time!!
I will put all my paperwork that I have about him in order, & cross reference my diaries, with emails, etc to prove things like: ‘He was making promises to me about making it work & sorting himself out……when he was already on a dating web site!!’ And I have all my bank statements to show how much money I gave to him. Which I know is just his word against mine that it was just a loan & he was going to pay it back! But the finance on his car that he persuaded me to put into my name, (when I thought he was a fantastic person) does show that he paid me for most of it, so he was paying for it. Apart from the times he was out of work & I had to pay, but again I have proof that most of the time he did pay me back, (even though I had many accusations of ripping him off) until he then decided to not pay for it any more, but carried on driving around in it, for months so I couldn’t sell it, & then dumped it on my door step, but I had to continue to pay for it, cos it was in my name!! So I do have some things that might stand up, but I will get the rest organised like you said. So then I can feel comfortable that I have done everything I can, & have as much information/facts about him, incase I ever need it.
Sorry for rambling on. Thank you so much again, for you reply.
Hi Liz,
I am in the UK too, and worked quite extensively on child protection cases. So I understand how it works.
Contact centres do have links with social services. So it does sound as if you are doing everything right.
It sounds to me that you are protected
Evidence that you do have are
GP records
Solicitors information
Records from DV centre
Contact centre records
Then additional to this everything else that you have. You see it would be his intention to keep you living in fear, and living on the edge. You have done absolutely the right thing, if he wants contact, he does this through a solicitor, and no other way, He wont bother with this, as it would mean that he could be either
a) found out
b) be controlled
Those are the two things he fears most
a) fear of exposure
b) fear of losing control
You might not feel like it, but really you DO have control, you are winning. He might do the odd thing to knock you off balance, to keep you living in fear, but you don’t need to do this, you have done absolutely the right thing for both you and your son.
I know that it is scary as you know what he is capable of. But i wanted to reassure you that you have done absolutely everything that you can do to protect you, and your son.
Yes, it is difficult when they are pathological liars, and will make up stories about you that are not true, to minimise you, and to make themselves out to be the good one and you the bad….. but you have a lot more evidence on board than he does, from respected organisations, that are taken into account and taken seriously.
If the police had ever been called those records would be used as evidence. If he had ever been in trouble with the law, this would be used as evidence.
Its time for you not to live in fear, you have all the measures in place that you possibly could have. Where in the UK are you? I am Southwest.
P.s. I forgot to say, I am doing everything the correct way, exactly how my solicitor & domestic abuse team are telling me to do it. I have 2 other children from my ex husband, & they stay with their dad for a couple of days every week, & I have a good relationship with him, because I know how important it is for my children. That’s why I pushed for my ex partner to see his son, & couldn’t understand why he never wanted to, until I found out who he really was. So I haven’t kept any presents, etc from our son. But he doesn’t know what I am doing because the only contact I’ve been advised to do is through my solicitor. So I hope I’m doing all the right things, but if he ever did take me to court, I know the right thing & safe thing for my son is to not have contact with a man like that.
Thank you again.
Liz you ARE doing everything right, and everything that you can do. Move forward with confidence, knowing that you are….. there is nothing more that you can do other than what you are doing right now. Well done to you, you are further forward than you think you are.
The biggest thing is 1. Forgiving yourself 2. Overcoming fear!! 🙂
Your last reply has made me feel so much better, thank you, because he has been in trouble with the Law in a big way, & with all the other records, reports, etc that you’ve mentioned, I feel more at ease.
I still struggle to trust people, & even you telling me you are from the SouthWest, which is where I’m from also, straight away, made me think that this could be him playing games, finding out what I’m doing!! It is so awful that he still affects me like this!
But thank you so much, I do feel in control, & he can’t do anything to me now, because I have all your information, & knowledge is so powerful.
You have helped more than you’ll ever know. 🙂
Hey no I am not him playing games. I promise I have been writing this blog for almost 2 years now.
If he has been in trouble with the law, believe me if it ever came to child protection/social services/court proceedings etc (if he pushed it to that) they WILL take into account EVERY single record against him legally. I know this as I worked a lot with child protection, and they would always bring up past records. This will speak for itself. Keep going you sound like you are doing amazingly well, far better than you think that you are.
i hope that everything works out well for you liz, its crazy to think… no one expects to have to go through this when you have a child. it should be such a happy time. i was stupid, our biggest thing has been my exes coming and going, every time he came back he was amazing to us, and during those few good periods i have been stupid and deleted horrible messages and emails thinking he had ‘changed.’ i absolutely feel you on fearing him making up stories in court.
I recently survived a relationship with a sociopath, the stage 6 of grieving is exactly where I stand. However, I am confused about a sociopath behavior and “how” well they can fake caring for someone, especially during sick times. Is this something they can actually act out, selflessly ??? ex: rushing to someone bedside/hospital and doing everything right.
Hi Sara,
I am trying to rack my brains to think have I written about this? I think that the closest I come is the post https://datingasociopath.com/2013/12/04/what-is-in-your-comfort-zone-how-the-sociopath-grooms-its-victim/
I know that it is very confusing. Sociopaths can be excellent when they are caring for you, when you are sick, and can seem the most caring wonderful people in the world. In fact the best.
Why do you think this is?
When you are sick – they have control. You are grateful to them for being just perfect. You are ill so you are not going to escape and run off with someone else. Sociopaths see their partners as possessions, so if you become ill, if they are that type they WILL take care of you. In fact they can be the best person in the world to do this, because when you are sick, they groom you, they care for you, you are their possession after all. It is when you are ill that they have the most control of all.
What you find though, is when you get better, start to become a bit independent and try to get on with life, they become upset and angry about this…. this can be confusing for the victim, as you question why he was just so perfect caring for me? They become angry as they like you sick, when you are sick you are not going to escape and leave, and they have full control over you.
Thanks. Makes total sense, I guess the opposite goes for when he is sick. He wanted absolutely no love, nor caring for – as if it was a sign of weakness but yet was frequently had his own ailments.
I found that when he was sick, he would get angry as I wasn’t doing enough. Would push me away making it impossible or difficult to provide care. Additional to this, there would always be the drama that went with his being ill.
What you describe is common.
One another behavior that I found to be odd, was he always wanted to leave, move out and move on, told me I was better without him, I deserve better – however in the same breathe reminder me I would regret and I am doing this to him. Each time, I begged for him not to leave because of his false beliefs that were in his head and I thought I could fix these thoughts and insecurities. However, it was weird, each time he wanted to leave (about 6 times over 8 months) never really made a big attempt and gave in to me and my tears. If he has no empathy, would that of really worked for him?
Ha I have written posts about this…..
Again, identical behaviour. The pattern goes like this….
‘I am leaving….’ you wont find better than me’
‘Silence’
‘I have met someone else, he/she is everything that you are not’
Silence….
‘Hi how are you’ (randomly out of the blue after you have been breaking your heart.
Thank u positivagirl. I would love to share my whole story with you, just not sure I feel comfortable sharing on a blog for many other reasons other then myself.
Only do what you feel comfortable with sara, follow yourself and follow your heart. You are back in charge now. In charge of you!!!
Thank you again positivagirl, this blog is fantastic. 🙂
wondering if you could cover the dynamics of relationships with sociopathic mothers-in-law. OK, so sociopaths need feelings of control and need to be feared, and fear exposure. Can you write more about this family situation?
Hi Tom, I replied to you on another thread. This site is written about relationships unfortunately. The patterns would be the same. I don’t write generalised about sociopaths only about them in a dating relationship context.
Any advice on how my husband and I can help our 19 yr old daughter? She has been dating a narcissist for about 8 months. She knows he’s a narcissist and a sociopath, and is miserable and depressed most of the time. But she is still hoping he will change, and I think she’s worried about being alone, and being lonely. He has pretty much successfully isolated her from most of her friends, has insisted that she not take a medication that her doctor recommended, encouraged her to skip school on several occasions, and convinced her to not show up for a volunteer job. He has made her life seem empty without him. She cleans his room and cooks him meals, hangs out doing nothing while he does his laundry or plays video games for hours, and she feels lucky if he needs a pair of shoes, or a new phone charger, because then they get to leave his little bedroom in the basement of his parents house! He complains about having to drive her home, and asks her to bike home (about 40 mins) in the middle of winter. She has lowered her expectations so far, and has convinced herself that ‘it’s fine’. Needless to say, I despise this guy. He wants nothing to do with my daughter’s family, but did come to our house a couple of times during the “honeymoon” phase. He was aloof, arrogant, and rude. We knew almost immediately that he was off. But our daughter was of legal age, and we didn’t want to drive her away, so we were careful not to criticize him, but just tried to non judgmentally point out his often odd behavior. Luckily she still seeks comfort from her mom and dad, and occasionally confides in us and tells us some of the awful things he has said and done. But as soon as he’s a wee bit nice momentarily, she forgets and/or minimizes and/or denies all his past lies, manipulations, put downs, etc. We can see the damage he is doing to her emotionally. It’s killing us to just sit by and watch her suffer and miss out on life when he’s ignoring her, then get her hopes up when he reappears, only to mistreat her again!
Hi Timy, i focus on relationships normally. It must be tough for you to see your daughter in pain. If you say anything bad about him, she will shut you out. With narcsissists they come on strong in the beginning then they cut the love dead, every now and again will give you a scrap of love, so that you become dependent on them. It does sound like you are doing the right thing. Not saying anything about him and driving her away. Could you get her a book on narcissism or point her in the direction of online support forums, this might help her. As there is little that you can do, the decision really is down to her, as you know. The best thing might be for her to get the education and understanding. When she can see what is happening – she might feel able to leave. Also point out her strengths too, and keep positively affirming them to her. (because he will take these away and leave her feeling weaker and weaker) by strengthening her you could help her to see that she doesn’t need him anyway.
Hello- someone sent me this email last night. I think my ex (socio) wrote it and sent it to me. I didn’t respond to the person who sent it and don’t plan on responding. I’m pretty sure my ex socio is using this as an excuse to get me to contact him. I think I’m right in feeling this way right? I think he is trying to see if I am still loyal and will contact him and let him know someone is going through his emails. I’m not going to. It’s almost sad isn’t it.
First and foremost I apologize to you for reading your email. I could not help myself. It was both captivating and well worded and very, very genuine. I would like to say that I try to skip over personal things that I come across in his email and texts but I can’t. It’s not because I am nosey or lack willpower. It’s because there just isn’t anything. His email accounts and texts are full of words and those words form sentences. But, by and large, there is no depth. No substance. He has no real friends. Just shares enough of what he thinks others want to hear.
Eventually something starts or something begins to fail and Xxxxx cuts out and leaves. Inevitably someone else is holding the bag.
Xxxxx is an asshole. He’s also an opportunist. It’s a very bad combination of attributes.
I’m sorry that you had strong enough feelings for the guy and he subsequently hurt you. I’m writing you to tell you that it’s better that you moved on sooner than later because he just would have caused you more suffering had he not and would have probably used that to his advantage some how.
Xxxxx has ruined lives and run away. He has no sense of accountability nor has he demonstrated any real morality. He is a liar and a manipulative one at that. He certainly doesn’t deserve the joy of a partner and I am positive that the shallow puddle of that man would only contaminate and pollute the lake that is you.
Sorry again for my intrusion. I couldn’t help myself.
What made you think it was him Absorption?
Well, he has created fake emails from people before and sent them to me, in an attempt to blackmail me.
An email I sent him in 2012 was forwarded from his email account on jan 12. To another person named Richard (last name also on email, I think that’s a fake name and email) then I received the email from another email address last night. Does that make sense?
Why would someone forward an email to himself/herself? , then respond from another email address. Unless, they want me to use it as a clue to the person who “hacked into his email account” which is what I know he would want me to believe.
I sound crazy but if you only knew what I went through with him it would make total sense.
I know if I run and tell him, hey! Someone said they read your emails and texts and his name is on the email (because it was conveniently left there for me to find) who could it be? Oh my gosh. I just feel its a trap to get me to make contact.
What do you think? I sound crazy dont I? ( just to let you in on what kind of stuff he did, one weekend he sent me over 2500 text messages same message over and over and over, I videotaped my cell phone as the alert when off 1 new text message , 25 new text messages, 527 new text messages, 1400new text messages…I had no way of stopping it, if I shut my phone off and when I turned it on it would still keep going-I don’t even know why I just brought that up)
Before, when I got a text or email from him, I would feel this rush. But now that I’m in a better place and think clearly my guess is that he needs something, probably money. He probably ran out of people to use.
Am I crazy? There is no way anyone else could have gotten a hold of my email from 2012- he guards his computers like a hawk.
NO you don’t sound crazy at all to me. As they do do crazy things. I believe you. There were a few flowery language things there I thought particularly with the first sentence, and then other sentences when it said about bad things that he did, there was no depth to it, it was empty – no passion. When someone is writing about bad things, its not often passive . So trust your instincts!!