Sociopathic seduction
Once the sociopath has accurately assessed your ‘worth’ (this could be financial, status, anything that the sociopath wants, that he/she himself doesn’t have), he/she will move into the seduction stage.
Tools used to seduce you
- Compulsive lying (telling you everything you want to hear)
- Fake persona (being who you want them to be, or expect to see)
- Mirroring you (see above)
- Empty promises
- Sometimes (although not always) lavish gifts
- Showering you with attention and false compliments
- Bombarding you and taking all of your time
- Being helpful, and the ‘perfect gentleman/kind caring woman’
I wrote earlier how at the assessment stage, he/she asked lots of probing questions. If you are on social networking sites, he/she would have analysed your page and watched keenly who you were interacting with and assessed who and what was important to you.
He/she would have observed, and noted your interests, hobbies, who you interact with, your passions, and also your weaknesses, past inner hurt and pain. If you add them to your social network, he/she would have read past posts, gone through your timeline, to observe how you were really thinking.
This combined with the probing questions that he/she has asked you, will build a profile of you, so that he/she can seduce you and tell you exactly what you want and need to hear. Remember that this man/woman is a predator.
In the beginning, you are blind, and you will not be aware of this, or if you are, you see it as flattery and that he/she really likes you. Not only does he/she send the message that he/she really likes you, by effectively mirroring you, he/she sends you the message that he/she is just like you. You seem to share so much in common? It is like the stars collided and they fell right into your life – just like that? Right? Wrong.
In the next phase the sociopath comes on STRONG. It is so strong, that it is almost off putting. The sociopath will openly tell people how much he/she loves you. They will even say this to people in his/her (remote) world, and (embarrassingly) to people in yours. They will say almost anything to seduce you. You will notice, as you are pulled close, that full focus is on you, as he/she looks at you with their predatory stare. Only you won’t see it as a predatory stare. It might appear a bit unnerving, and you hope that you will catch up with their feelings for you. It can seem quite flattering and attractive, at first it does anyway.
The objective is making himself seem appealing to you. This is not an action coming naturally from his heart. It is a premeditated calculated move. What he does, to make himself seem appealing, really does depend on what he learned in the assessment stage, about ‘what YOU want’.
Word to the wise…. if it seems too good to be true, it probably is! His seduction will be way over the top. And it lacks sincerity. He will be overly attentive and shower you with attention.
- He will tell you how wonderful you are.
- He will pile on affection. Bombarding you with ‘love’ (but it isn’t love at all)
- He will charm you, and somehow will always know how to say the right words to seduce you(but most of it is lies and made up)
- He will seem fun and lively, up for anything. Especially anything that you want to do.
- He will seemingly take care of you and look after you. (things like walking on the road side of the street, making you a cup of tea, cooking dinner, clearing up)
- In seduction stage he couldn’t be more helpful
- He is fully attentive and gives you all of his attention, making you feel that you are the centre of his world (you are, you are his latest target)
Although it is moving fast, you feel happy. They make you feel happy. By effectively tapping into your needs and wants, you feel uplifted.
You introduce him to people close to you. You take him to meet your friends and close family. But of course, he can read your friends too, and likely he will have already assessed through conversation with you what your friends are like.
With premeditated calculation, he charms them too. With the seal of authority of the people close to you, you push to the back of your mind, all of the doubts that you had. After all, your friends have seen through losers before, where you didn’t.
This time, they tell you
- He/she seems perfect for you
- You seem great together
- You seem really well matched
It’s not the fault of your friends. He has charmed them too. He will tell them, how he will always take care of you. How he won’t ever hurt you. Any concerns they might have, he will automatically give them reassurances without being asked.
Some of your friends will be suspicious. He is now acting like he has known you all of his life. Friends, who have known you for all of your life, will be suspicious. But, he will do all that he can to ease their concerns. This gives you the impression that he will ‘fit in’ with your social network. You are beginning to think just how perfect you are together.
At this stage, you will not see the other side of him, the jealousy, paranoia, rage. None of this is existent to you.
He can be incredibly deceptive and manipulative. It’s not that you are stupid. It is that he goes to great lengths to cover for himself. He will shower you with ‘love’ and false compliments.
With the seal of approval from those close to you, you put to the back of your mind, initial concerns or red flags. You choose to ignore them. It is only later, that you realise the man who seemed so at ease with your family and friends, will feel jealous of your time spent with them. And he will likely try to isolate you from them. But right now, in early seduction stage you do not see this as right now, everything feels just perfect.
The reason that sociopaths are effectively successful is because they ‘mimic’ true love. Because they cannot feel it, they fake it. And using manipulative tools, he sends you the message, that you have a genuine connection that is real. The message that you receive is:
- I like you
- You are just like me
- We like the same things and share common interests
- We want the same things out of life
- We share common values
When someone makes you feel good, and also (appears) to show and display the traits outlined above, you can feel that it is safe to fall in love with this person, and that this is the person who you have searched for your whole life.
However, a sociopath is a predator and you are his latest victim and his latest target. If you look closely, you will see the predators stare. But likely, at this point in the relationship, you will choose to ignore it. You feel in heaven, it feels like a soul mate connection. His seduction is working, as he knows that it is when you are in love, he will have full control over you and you will be hooked, making it less likely that you will leave him. This will enable him to now use you for whatever it is that he wants.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
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Dating a Sociopath 
Sociopaths aren’t evil they just have no concept of social norm, they do any thing and everything to remain happy and secured. I say this because there is lot negativity in your description, the best way to be happy with a sociopath is be the source of their happiness and forget they are sociopaths. they then create such a wonderful world around that you wouldn’t care if it is an act or not.
Hey Ravi,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I do understand why, for you it does appear negative. But I am writing from the view of someone dating a sociopath.
From the person dating the sociopath. They go into the relationship, believing what they are told. If everything is a lie. There is no trust. And no relationship can thrive without trust. Once trust is gone the relationship is gone.
Yes, sociopaths do have some great qualities. They can charm the birds out of the trees. Area always up for an adventure. Can make you laugh. But when everything is fake…. most people would prefer honesty and to know how someone truly feels. And I am sure you would agree, that when it comes to the smear campaigns and everything else once the relationship is over. And also the parasidic lifestyle – its more trouble than it is worth. The bad outweighs the good. And who would want to be with someone who works against them? Who wants to be controlled? Who wants to be lied to? (to be lied to is to be disrespected).
But I do agree, that they can be funny, engaging, entertaining, life and soul of the party. Lots of good things. But the flip side, can be disasterous. The partner could land up in debt, lose their home, their jobs, have smear campaigns against them.
Realistically most people want to trust in someone. Know if it doesn’t work out, well it doesn’t and their entire world will not be thrown to ruin.
What I wanted say is that it often extremely ugly to catch a sociopath in his act but if not everything is normal and life is great. I presume that the sociopath you came across had an additional quality of being a huge D***. Sorry for the words because sociopaths don’t hurt people willingly, it just happens as a collateral of them being unsympathetic, this causes them a lot of loss too if not hurt. Hence we perfect our art and keep people who we need to be happy, happy.
Trust we don’t trust, it does not exist in our realm. But care and affection we can give, it may look mechanical from a larger perspective but it works !! A sociopath who accepts he is a sociopath publicly has a huge bonus because when he hurts people they understand and when he makes people love him, they simply love :).
P.S. I defended pure sociopaths not a mixture of egoists and the like.
I know it is probably pointless to point this out Ravi, but it does appear to be a very selfish way of looking at things. You have said:
– They have no concept of social norm (they don’t care about anyone else or anyone elses world, or feelings apart from their own)
– They do everything and anything to remain happy (selfish thinking only of their own needs, doing whatever to achieve that)
– You need to be the source of THEIR happiness (forget about your own needs)
– Just forget they are sociopaths (ignore their bad behaviour, even if it hurts you, ruins you, humiliates you, degrades you)
– Don’t care if it’s an act or not (put up with lying, cheating, manipulation and deceit)
Why would ANYONE want those qualities in a partner? They are the worst qualities that anyone could have. Without honesty you have no trust, with no trust there is no relationship. There is nothing at all. Nothing but a sham.
I was used and abused by a sociopath. He met me at a time when I had lost a lover. Looking back(7 years). He knew about my situation and I’m now sure he dived right in. I was vulnerable and began to like his attention. Yes, there were the flowers. Etc, at the beginning. Spending time with me at my place. Then we made it official. I truly think now that he mimicked what I desired and played that to rope me in. I always had my own home but he had a history of never staying in one place for long. No long term job. Basically a loser. By then it was too late the sex was fantastic and I fell for him. He eventually had emotional aggression toward me. This went on for about four years. Until close to the end he started telling me how to keep my home. One day I came home from work….he was staying with me…..
He was gone. Only a note asking me to let him be. Signed with “love”. It crushed me. Never saw him again. (Thank God). It is only recently, that I know he was using me for shelter and I had been with a sociopath. I prey I never lay eyes on him again.
Thanks for your comment Miguel. This is typical sociopathic behaviour.They just use somebody for what they can get. Afterwards it can be quite stunning, how quickly they discard. And often that is for the best. Normally he would have been planning his exit escape behind your back. Giving people the sob story and playing victim. I am sorry to hear that you too went through that. But also I hope that you went on to meet someone who was had the ability to love and to feel. Its incredible how quickly they move. They fake what is ‘real love’ but have no idea of the concept. But you are the winner, as you are able to go onto normality, whilst he is probably using someone else right now. Thank you for your comment 🙂
You were the very first comment on this website. That has now had over 3.5 million people over 7 million hits….. I have no idea why your comment came up. But I still remember it. Today I would answer differently.
I often turned around unexpectedly and caught my ex a few times staring at like a predator. I would see the hatred in his eyes. When I point out to the way he looked at me he would laugh it off with “oh darling, come on; you really see things don’t you?” He would also openly look at me and rub his balls. Sex was high on his agenda with me. In the same way he would put my life on the line because of his infidelity. I was also important in giving the world, especially his colleagues, the impression of a normality in his life, when deep down he knew otherwise. Over the years of researching his behaviour I have seen a sociopath, psychopath, narcist, sadist,pervers person, histrionic personality disorder, superiority complex yet deep fear, need to be made a god, to be worshipped, aggression. The list is long. He thought that he was a puzzle but it was just a matter of time to solve the puzzle. In the end he knew that I thought he was a nothing. A nothing can turn me on. Thus, no more sex. He cannot even go and buy it because he no longer has money. The worst I did to him was have him imprisoned for 2 weeks. 23hrs lock up and 1hour to walk out of the cell. After that he no dares not put a finger on me. We are done now. I escaped with my life.
Hi Florah,
I am so happy that you escaped, that you managed to set yourself free. I bet he hated being locked up?
I recall the one before the last, he was locked up, the police called me in the morning said he had been released, and wouldn’t contact me again – within less than 10 mins he called…. wanting to know how I was…
They are relentless and think that they are above the law. The predatory stare is unnerving! There is no respect even for your own personal space. The biggest relief when they have gone… is the sense of peace. Of no longer being bombarded, or manipulated and lied to anymore. How long ago did you get away from him?
I would like to thank you for a wonderful & supportive website. I met a real twit on an online dating site back in 2008. It was faster than a tornado and hit me just as hard. The effects are still with me now, October 2015 ! Somehow, I discovered your site, and just kept reading… and I’m still reading. Now I know what an awful monster was in my life. A sociopath. My story would be so long to tell. Funny thing is it only lasted about 4 months. We were living together at his house, with mine on the market for sale.
He wanted me to put the proceeds into his home loan. When I said no, it was an instant chill out change in his face with seething hateful eyes.
There were so many other signs that I just did not piece together at the time. The isolating me from family and friends. Overnight my only child was in boarding school. How that happened is still vague, and I paid for it, not him. He did not pay for much. He pressured me to start internet banking, but something made me say no, that I liked the old fashioned way. I stood my ground on this, and yet again, he would freeze me out.
He made sure he knew my computer and cell phone passwords, and regularly check my emails etc. He would also read my car odometer and ask where I had been.
He never had any friends I knew of, but introduced me to a work mate and his girlfriend. I hated the lunch as the other guy was so nasty to his girlfriend, making her cry all the time. Meanwhile Mr perfect sociopath was monitoring my reaction. Prick !!
This man made me cry a lot which I am still upset about. I should have kicked his rear end way before I did.
Of course he had the sobstory of how he was neglected as a baby. I was planning my escape at this stage, and I think he knew it. Probably wanted me to feel sorry for him and stay. His selfish brain could not comprehend that I also matter.
Anyone feel tortured ? Well I did. He would burn me with hot kitchen appliances. He would stand on my toes with his entire body weight and grind his boots. He would make me sleep naked when he knew I liked pj’s. He knew I hated the cold, so no blankets allowed in winter, and he would switch off the bathroom heatlamps when I was in there.
There is so much more, but over time I will open up more to share.
I planned my move back to my own home, 600 kilometers away, with GLEE. Oh it was so scary, but exciting to know I was on my way to freedom. When I drove into my town, into my garage, I felt so drained and exhausted.
It has taken me time to heal, and have not been able to even think of another relationship until now.
Now this is where I know I have learned about sociopaths from your site. 2 weeks ago, I joined another online dating site. Yes!! Another worm has crawled out the dung heap. Sociopath alert. He has changed his profile since I first read it. Mirroring stage ! He is on a huge quest to find out info. This could be normal, but his ways are weird, and the alarm bells are ringing. Already, he is acting normal chatting about my interests such as crystals, Reiki, etc. Here’s a laugh…..already hinting at soul mates and twin flames ! Now his profile says he has some high flyer position at work, yet his grammer and spelling say otherwise.
He also pressures to have private details too quickly for my liking. Maybe I’m too paranoid and weary, but my gut feeling is not good. I could say I attract the sleasebags, but then I could say there are so many parasitic sociopaths out there. We need more exterminators to get rid of them
Now I am going to monitor this man very closely. I can almost see him sidewinding down the road and I know he is slithering toward me. But I am armed with a shovel