Category Archives: Cycle of Abuse

The Cycle Of Abuse In a Relationship with the Sociopath or Narcissist


What is the cycle of abuse?



1. Tensions Building

You have just come out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship and things are looking promising.  Alternatively, you might have just got back together, and there had been a period of calm….  Your partner has made huge promises to change (Lies to seduce you).

Your heart starts to sink, as you realise that this was just the ‘lull before the storm’. You feel the tension. You can almost feel it in the air. You ask ‘what is wrong?’, but you are reassured, ‘nothing’ or told that ‘you are being paranoid’. You can feel it. You can feel it in the air, and you can feel it in your stomach, you start to feel uneasy. At this point there might start to be accusations about things that (you haven’t done).

There is tension, and you cannot understand what it is that you have done wrong. You haven’t done anything wrong. Normally at this point in the relationship with the sociopath, he/she has done something wrong.  You know that this is not in your mind. Something is wrong, and things are about to blow. You can feel it in your stomach, you have been lured in, and likely you have been here many times before…. you know what comes next…..

2. The Incident

You knew it, you felt it, but you were told that it was all in your mind. Suddenly, without warning, there is an incident. This can be verbal or physical abuse, deception, explosions and arguments. This feels stressful, and the atmosphere is black. It was only a short time ago, that things were good. You were feeling so optimistic.

Suddenly – you are right back at square one. Here we are again. It could be anything, stealing, cheating, abuse, verbal, physical, or an explosion after deception, blaming you. You are right back there again. This is stress, hell and drama. At worst you might feel in fear of your life (if physical abuse) Why did you go back? You ask yourself, and why does this keep happening? You can’t believe that this is happening again. Not after all those promises, and things had just been so good….

You cope after this by either retreating into your shell, or you fight back, and things escalate. In your mind you are thinking how did we get here? It hurts. You feel stupid, betrayed, upset. Yet again. How could you  have been so stupid.

At this point, you might decide you have had enough, you need to leave……or you stay, and become silent. You withdraw into yourself. Thoughts are racing in your head. You have had enough. We have been through this just so many times. ‘I cannot keep going through this, you tell your disordered partner. You partner blames YOU.

3. The Reconciliation

The Sociopath now knows that he is about to lose source of supply, and has to act fast. He starts to seduce you, but you are wary you have been here so many times before. The Sociopath will sell you back yourself, your hopes and your dreams. Other people might at this point think that you have taken leave of your senses. ‘You can’t go back for one more time?  Those close to you plead.

They do not understand, your heart is hurting. You feel broken. You want this to work. After all you have invested so much. You do not want that to go to waste. Hope… you want hope. You love this person, but you do not love this behaviour and how it makes you feel.

By now the Sociopath is kind and caring. Once again he is mirroring you, and offering you what you want. The sociopath makes false empty promises for the future. You want it to be right, you just don’t want to be hurt anymore.

You agree to reconciliation, but a part of you is wary. You are still on your guard.

4. The Calm

Things are going perfect, finally you have hope and you are full of optimism. You know that things didn’t work out before. During the reconciliation the Sociopath promises, this time it will all be different. You are feeling happy and content. Maybe everyone else was wrong. Your heart isn’t hurting anymore. You feel normal. You feel alive. Everything is happy smiles and laughter. This is what you were looking forward to. Maybe this time, it will last. This is the picture in your head.  This is what you wanted…..

Until the tension starts again………

A relationship with a Sociopath is an abusive relationship. Even if the Sociopath is a charismatic charming one, it is worse for the distempered narcissistic types,  but even with the charismatics, it still follows the cycle of abuse.

This cycle will continue over and over. It will NOT get better. If you try to  be friends afterwards the same thing will happen. For as long as you know the Sociopath you will witness this pattern of behaviour over and over.

Is it really worth spending your life, for a short period of time living with the picture of hope… in the calm period? For however long this lasts?

If you feel like you are going crazy, this is why. It is because you are being driven crazy. A relationship with a Sociopath is draining.  They will take everything from you. The longer that you are in a relationship with the sociopath, the more that you will repeat this crazy cycle over and over. Nothing will ever change.

Get out. Stay strong. Focus on YOU. Keep to No contact.

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