When NO Contact is proving impossible!
Note: The following is not advisable if you have children with the sociopath, or if the sociopath is violent. Never place yourself at risk.
Most sites advise that the best way to get revenge on a sociopath is to have no further contact with them.
For some people, establishing no contact does not work. Maybe you have to have contact. Or, the stalking/harassment/smear campaigns and threats have become so serious, that you are desperate for it to stop, and to avoid further damage to your life.
A sociopath is determined, and for some people no contact is impossible to achieve, and simply causes further distress, and further damage to your life. A sociopath hates to lose control more than anything. You asserting No Contact, whilst in the long term is really the best and most healthy way to move on, you might find that keeping to no contact, simply escalates things further.
My experience, when trying to establish no contact was this
- Attempts to contact with me increased
- Would show up at my home
- Would threaten to speak to my work
- Malicious emails to people close to me, or important to me, to discredit me
- Threats to report me to x y z
- Bombardment to install fear
I went through this many times over. And it was draining, and at the time frightening. I would know that whenever I started No Contact, the calls and texts would escalate. As that was happening, I would know that he would show up at my house.
I grew used to this pattern, and would call police prior to his arrival. Despite this, he would still be outside of my house, yelling through the letter box, standing in my back garden yelling in the garden.
I had complaints from my neighbours, and lived in constant fear of what he would do next. How did I cope with this?
Ultimately, he might have gone away. But damage to my life was continuing. So, I had to think of another way.
I realised that his motive was ‘control’ and his fear was
- Losing control
I therefore had to change my own tact to deal with him. Remember that the sociopath only manages to control you through
- Establishing fear
- Knowledge that he has gained about you in assessment
- Preying on any weaknesses that you may have
So, to be successful, and to be such a pain to them, that they either move on, or behave themselves towards you, you need to reverse these things.
- Show that you are not scared of them – there is no fear – there is no control
- Feed him false knowledge
- Additionally feed false knowledge about weaknesses
When a sociopath loses knowledge, he loses control. You win.
To get even with a sociopath, you need to treat him EXACTLY the same way that he treats you. I promise you that he won’t particularly like it. I also understand that for someone who has been emotionally, mentally, damaged and scarred by a sociopath, this might not be such a good idea. You do need to be strong. It is also not advisable for those involved with someone who is violent. But it works! I want you to remember that you have SURVIVED this, and you can make the aftermath both better and more tailored to your liking.
And so you do the following:
- Give false information. Don’t tell him the truth. Make up where you have been, and where you are going (if he doesn’t know what you are doing, he cannot control you)
- Tell out and out lies
- Derail him, by saying one thing, and then changing and saying something else.
- Whatever you say to him, make sure it is not the truth, and constantly change your mind
- BE NICE
- BE CHARMING
- Say words that he wants to hear
- If he threatens you (to call work, email people) do the same back
- Lure him into a false sense of security
- Be CALM
- The most important thing is MIRROR him, whatever he does, you do (but keep it within the law), let him know you are recording phone conversations…..
- Be prepared to lose ‘friends’ who are not really friends. A real friend wouldn’t leave your side no matter what happens or what is said.
- Lose your FEAR — he is controlling you through FEAR….. so (even if you are still scared) show you are no longer scared or intimidated by him – this is really important. Fake it if you have to. DO NOT SHOW FEAR EVER
I know that for most people, it can be difficult to act fake, as we are programmed as human beings to be kind, caring, to care about others welfare.
But remember that this is exactly what the sociopath has done to you. What you have to do is take away – remove his control over you.
He can only control what he knows.
- Mirror him
- Tell him what he wants to hear – then do the opposite (in actions)
- Lie to him
- Derail him by feeding false information
- Be as ridiculous as you like – go to town!!
When you are doing it, it will be an enlightening (and therefore healing) process to do. You take back YOUR control over YOU. And you remove his control OVER YOU.
It is important that he is not aware what you are doing. Always try to be one step ahead of the game. Play the game, if this is what he wants to do.
I can guarantee that it will work. You won’t, and can’t change him. But you CAN change YOU.
YOU can empower YOU.
You can take control of YOUR life. To do this, you need to stop telling him the truth. A sociopath can only control you, ruin you, if you allow him to.
The outcome should be that he will find you way too much hard work. He also will not suspect what you are doing either. As he relies on the fact that you are honest, so be dishonest (with him). Play him at his own game, and he will soon get tired. He will realise that you are about to damage him.
You will smile as he threatens to tell people, things that have absolutely no bearing on truth. And as it is different to the reality he can do no further damage.
It won’t take back what he has done to you, but it will help you to get even and to teach him that you are not a weak person. Additionally, you will see, by doing this to him, how little respect he had for you, and how he never at any time felt for your needs, or your welfare, it was all about him, and what he could gain from you.
Take back your power. Sometimes No Contact (especially in initial stages) does not work. Simply as he won’t give up and will make your life hell. You have been through enough. Why should you go through more, why should more damage be done to your life?
Start making the changes NOW 🙂
244 thoughts on “Sociopath – how to get even with one”
I was laughing as I read this coz I did a very similar thing … No it worked and he was afraid I would expose him so he backed down… Yet another great post! 🙂
Thank you!! It does, doesnt it? They thrive on the fact that they have control over you. See you as a victim.
I realised just how ridiculous he was being. So, I became ridiculous back….. big time. And actually it was a lot of fun, and quite healing to be able to play life from his point of view – I didn’t care either.
Maybe you have to be a certain personality? I don’t know right then, I had lost so much there really was nothing else to lose. I could either sit there in fear, and do no contact, whilst he carried on causing further damage and mayhem to my life or take action.
Am glad it worked for you too!! :)…. I think you have to
a) Not care
b) Have some dirt to dish on him which will affect him
c) Be strong
d) Act indifferent
Also, at the end of the day despite he is a sociopath…. he is still a human being, and I realised that his escalating of behaviour was due to stress, anxiety, and lack of self esteem, losing control was driving him crazy…
So, i gave him control of a vehicle that had 3 square wheels…..
No point hiding in your house in fear, as he bangs down the door, and you get complaints from your neighbours…. sitting there in fear, gives him control.
In the end he did say ‘thats it, enough i have had enough I want to call a truce’… he surrendered.
Sometimes you have to take back your control, and your self respect. 🙂
This is a great blog. I am wondering how would this work when there is children involved? I have full custody and he has visitations. I am wanting to file for sole custody as I believe that he is not a fit role model for my kids.
i wouldn’t advise to play this game with children – as the stakes are too high and you have to have some form of contact. They are experienced at being deceptive and manipulative. I did write a post about co-parenting with a sociopath. You should find it in the top posts section.
Wow! this is the only thing that has ever worked for me! and all of a sudden i feel like im clawing my self respect back! the tears have stopped and I have everything he wants and legally he cannot do a thing – I hold the power and he has stopped playing the game – In fact he just told / warned me that he would be changing his number and i will no longer be able to contact him .. fabulous! Thank you!! 🙂
🙂 🙂 your welcome Winnie!!
totally agree! if you can, you really need to take back your control. it feels much better honestly!
I love the idea if this method I thought only option was to take the abuse and not react to create shock that u stopped reacting but it’s damaging me a lot. My only question is when he starts to realised story’s don’t add up eg I say I’m doing something and later he says I though you said that you where doing something else, how do I react to that ? Do I say oh something came up or do I say big deal like he would
My situation is hard his a policeman a threats to distroy my world we have a 6 month old baby together and it’s really hard I moved out on my own and one Minuit thigd seem normal and all it takes is me to say or do one thing that’s not what he wants and the was starts like you wouldn’t believe
I need to stop letting him do this
Why are all these posts about men? There are as many sociopath/psychopath women out there as there are men- they are just less physically violent perhaps, but just as damaging mentally and emotionally as any man put on this earth- I don’t think that there is a gender association with sociopaths, even if the statistics say so- they must be flawed for sure, because a woman that thinks she is empowered in a sociopathic way over a man is evil incarnate- and I speak from experience
I’m battling to survive the abuse from my psychopathic ex who kidnapped our now 5 year old son, two years ago.
His mother is equally psychopathic.
I believe psychopaths tend to surround themselves and get support from other psychopaths that enjoy aiding in the torture of another human being. I believe gender has nothing to do with being a psychopath. The terrifying fact that men tend to be far more violent than women (95%-5%) just makes male psychopaths make the newsworthy when they are also violent.
I’m sorry you suffered at the hands of a female psychopath.. the non violent acts of any psychopath male or female create psychological wounds that are very difficult to heal and damage that is very difficult to overcome.
The key is to treat psychopaths the way they treat us.. perceive them as target that must be hunted down. Be merciless and unfeeling towards them and don’t take anything they do personally. Don’t fear them. Be calculating and fight them with the same tools they use on us.
Psychopaths are sloppy and lazy, so with diligence and patience they can be exposed so justice can be served.
This is an excellent comment. Thank you Marika!
What I’ve learned is that sociopaths have only one weakness there ego. All sociopaths are narcissist so exposing them is really there only fear. People may underestimate a sociopath in terms of how dangerous they really are but they are capable of murder with no feeling or remorse. They actually want to harm people and openly talk about harming or killing. I attempted to get Adrianna C. Myers my girlfriend of 18 years to get mental help but she refused. She knew she was mentally off and even her own mother told me of her childhood with her displaying signs of antisocial personality disorder. That is an key factor of diagnosing mental illness is the sociopath had mental issues from childhood. Also another fact you need to check if mental illness runs in there family. In the case of Adrianna C Myers mental illness was present in both sides of her family along with documented criminal behavior such as attempted murder.
During the 18 years I was with Adrianna C Myers she displayed antisocial personality disorder traits, narcissism, sociopathic behavior and criminal behavior. I though that I could change her but I was wrong and eventually became her victim she had me poisoned me on July 6 2012. I’m currently terminally ill so sadly I didn’t escape the wrath of her evil sociopath goal to kill me. For years she talked about killing me and I was confused why and why she would openly discuss killing others. Every time she would talk in that subject manner I would try to get her to think ethically but that was really impossible. I even talked to her mother about getting her mental help but her mother was more interested in looking the other way to avoid Adrianna’s criminal behavior. When I asked for medical help after I was poisoned her mother again refused to help basically turning her back on GOD. Stopping a dangerous sociopath takes a team effort. This post covers many great tools that can help but sadly if your reading this it is more than likely to late. Most people can eventually free themselves from the grasp of a sociopath and others will become a short news blip after there death then soon forgotten. In my case I will be soon a small name in the obituary but until that day comes which will be soon I plan on telling everyone how to save themselves so they don’t follow my fate.
Adrianna C Myers did not act alone she teamed up with another sociopath W. Brandon Rice. Brandon was a cocaine addicted drug addict from Lexington Ky that moved to West hollywood to live a drug and hooker fueled life. When he realized he could profit from my death he conspired to commit first degree murder with the help of my girlfriend sociopath Adrianna C Myers. Sociopaths seem to find each other and have common goals of greed and the need to harm others. It was ironic that I got fought in the middle of all of this as I lived every day of my life to help others and these sociopaths live every day of there lives to take take take and then cause harm to everyone.
OMG……Sorry to have to break this news to you….but you have lost the respect and attention of (normal) readers, in continually slandering a person, by repeatedly stating this lady’s name! How dare you stoop to such depths, in your clearly vindictive rage. Perhaps it is time that you consult with an attorney? Shortly into your onslaught of diagnosing another person, it became clearly evident that YOU are indeed a DANGEROUS sociopath, that needs to be addressed! If you want respect, sir, you need to earn it… and deliver it!! Trying to insult the intelligence of readers, speaks to your ignorance. Your boiling hatred for this person (whose own experience is not even factored in), speaks to the ‘bully’/sociopath that lies within you. You are a sorry excuse for a man….and ANYTHING BUT a victim. God Bless ‘Adrianna C Myers’. She is one step ahead, in having a vicious coward like you out of her life. Good luck in YOUR recovery…..and have a good attorney on hand to defend you when you are slapped with charges on slander. Grow up and leave this broken soul to recover from her relationship with an outrageous sociopath.
Please understand the difference between a civil or criminal matter or better yet protecting the safty of others. Every heard of the Tokyo Joe attempted murder back in 83. That was a professional mob hit that failed. Tokyo Joe survived after getting shot three times in the head and the gun man was none other than her uncle. He was arrested for attempted murder then released on one million in bail that the mob gladly paid. You know what happened to him he was cut up and left in the trunk of his car dead. So Gloria were talking about the worst type of sociopaths out there sociopaths that kill for profit. This is a public information you can research it yourself. Her mother proudly told me about this when I told her that her daughter had been talking about killing me. I begged her mother to help get her daughter mental help for her sociopath behavior. Her mother refused. Mental illness can be passed down genetically and several members of her family have been put in mental hospitals for mental illness and prision. The body count dosent stop there her sister made huge profits from life insurence fraud again the truth must be told for public safty. When people around you start dying and the family involved has long term ties to Chicago mob hit men were not talking about something that is speculation but again fact that can be proven by both the fbi and Chicago police. You can read about online in many published articles and documentry films that have been produced.
This is a good blog! Thank you for sharing it with me! That said, while I’m reading through some of this, I’m definitely aware that yes, I have had relationships with sociopaths. But here’s what’s scaring me. What if I’m a sociopath? I mean I’ve done the threatening thing with the guy I had an affair with because I was sick of him lying to his partner and family. I was just bluffing but still…it scares me to think I could be that crazy.
My problem when it comes to diagnosing things…is that I often can identify with certain things they do or did, or I can relate in some way then I automatically think I’m “THAT”…whatever diagnosis “THAT” is.
Oye…my “self” is really busted up.
Hey CJ, thanks for your comments. Are you a compulsive pathological liar? Do you lie all of the time to deceive and get what you want?
Do you go into things with an ‘agenda’ and leave with one too?
Are you really charismatic to get what you want? I think that all of us can answer some of them, but a true sociopath will tick all boxes. For me, I know I am not a liar, but i can hold my own ground (although I struggled with the narcissist)….
Do you put your own needs above the needs of others. do you
Then seduce and play games with them
Deliberately ruin them
Bleed them dry of every resource. Do you see others as a source of supply for you to use?
Hey Positivagirl! Thanks for responding so quick!
Umm, ok, let’s see…no, I’m not a pathological liar. I have lied but I hate lying. It is my life motto to live authentically and with integrity.
Agenda…yeah , usually my agenda is to love and be loved. NO, I’m an “honest day for honest pay” type of person…so this doesn’t fit for me.
I rarely ever get what I want so I’m going to assume that I am NOT charismatic, at least not enough that I achieve any means by it. I do enjoy people though..so I tend to be bubbly on a good day!
As far as putting my needs above others…I think occasionally I am thinking selfishly but no I’m not one to live off other people’s backs. I’m not a user.
I never assess people (which I probably ought to a bit more lol)
Seduce, well…sometimes I tried to get his attention…
I don’t want to ruin anyone…ever…I want to be valuable , not a taker
I’ve had all my resources taken but I have gotten better at protecting some of them. Too bad I didn’t protect my heart as well as I did my things.
Thank you. I see what you mean. No…I don’t fit this.
🙂 heh no I do not think that you are a sociopath!! 🙂 Yay.
The topic here is how to get even with S/P’s so let ppl talk about how to get even with them . When u plan to hurt him is not like hes never done it to u , it’l be fun to do the same to him and will help u heal faster , he left u with scars lieve him with wounds and pour some of his vinegar on his wounds , hel respect u !
Kinda true flix…. but it is still giving them energy – and continuing to play the game, they like this.
You were sleeping with a guy that had a family. I think you might want to think about how that would hurt his kids and wife and tell me you aren’t a sociopath again.
I am unsure if that was aimed at me JJ, but I will respond to you as if it were. You have the wrong person. I live in the UK. I have never dated someone who had a wife and children? Never in my life. I wouldn’t like that done to me. So I wouldn’t do it to someone else? That is about having respect not only for yourself but for other people. Not only is it wrong – but I am not a big fan of sharing.
It’s not always ‘him’ you know, there are many many female, dangerous, uncaring sociopaths out there too – equality works both ways!
yes it does. But it is easier to write using him – which makes it easier to read!!! 🙂
i have been involved with a man for over 3 years. i fell madly in love instantly. i believed he was the love of my life and my soul mate. we were so close. i say some things that he hid from me in the beginning that i never thought he would and then acted unreasonably jealous about a certain situation, but i ignored it. but i ended up very angry and outlashed because i held it all inside. he left. blamed me for everything. but we made up and he promised to come back, only to have an excuse. since then, he has been back and forth, in and out of my life. each time promising me he is not going to leave again, then just leaves one day and does not come back. he made me believe it my all my fault. i could not understand. i am usually very strong, but could not let him go or my love for him. he put me down all the time, never admitting his faults. but then would give me compliments just as much. when he was gone, i would cry and put my life on hold waiting for him, like i could not live with out him. i lost 60lbs. got addicted to xanex. got in the worst depression. every time he came back and left, i would feel worse. i read about sociopaths and it was like reading his profile. well he just left again after 3 months. he has been gone about a month. 3 times he already called and promised he was coming back then never showed or called. the last time was 3 days ago. the next day, i sent him nasty texts. have not heard from him since. i dont know why i still love him. but i hate him just as much. im angry and want revenge. he took everything from me. mentally, emotionally. has talked about me badly to others. tells me i need help. this is just a short summary of everything. but i need to get over him or its going to destroy me. yet, im still waiting for his call, that im sure will come, i just dont know when. i want so bad to call him, but i know he wont answer because i know he is mad at me for all the texts, that he says he doesnt read anyway. and will blame me once again. when it was he who blew me off again. but im sitting here afraid that this time, he will not call me again. im a mess. i ned some support and i need to vent.
Well said. I am one of those females.
yes, there are females too. I suspect my ‘path’ coupled with one of those…..and no I didn’t have any relationship with him at the time.
Yes! The sociopath I’m dealing with is female (as am I). But I just get the feeling the author wrote it that way because her sociopath was a male and she was referring to him in a broad way.
Thank you NQ this was once just my personal blog. I did later write a post called female sociopath and explained later posts were all ‘the sociopath’ rather than he or she. But in some ways I prefer the old posts they just read better 🙂
No shit majority are men though
Thats exactly how I feel. Game on!!!!!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post!!! The only one that I have found that ‘stands up’ to this ridiculous type of animal (not to insult little animals).
I have learned that when you try no contact or don’t react it is worse. I fight fire with fire, and go after his only true love…money.
I also do everything I can to his family to create more drama for him. They are into so many illegal things (violations of building codes, IRS fraud, etc.) that it’s easy to have them get on him more and more.
I make all their lives a living hell, & since they can’t get on me….he is the only target to let out frustration.
My attitude…men, women, children….makes no difference to me. Fines galore, investigations, losing time from work, etc. oh well….you get what you deserve. And since you are related to him and do nothing…if you aren’t part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.
I found that too. No contact I found made it worse. I fought back and drove him insane. But he wasn’t particularly violent. I convinced him that I was crazier than him and his head was spinning.
You do need strength as until they realise you are NOT joking it continues. I didn’t mind a bit of drama personally – and it really did work. Later I found the video from Sam Vankin (the link is there) who confirmed it did and why.
Yes. That video is great. I totally agree…when they know you are NOT joking, they hate it.
Yes, you do need a lot of strength ( b/c this is so exhausting), and as sick as it sounds….I am starting to guess his next move.
Yes, the drama isn’t bad sometimes, especially when you are winning!
I love what you said about being crazy too. That is so true b/c it keeps a sociopath on the defensive.
However, there are a few things I don’t get. Maybe you know the answers to the following:
1. Very afraid of prison, yet is starting to cross the line, with the court.
2. Terrified of men all men, particularly Black or Puerto Rican men (& even my minority female friends). But loves to abuse all women in his life (mom, sisters, etc.)
3. So filled with vengeance that he is losing material items to me, but still carries on.
4. So full of vengeance he starts at A & can only see the finish line, which is C. Totally ignores B, but B gets him in trouble. Lol!
Its about shifting the goal posts. The sociopath cannot control a moving target. It is hard work, but it does stop further damage to you, and gives you back control over your life.
The downside is that it continues with the game. Which is what the sociopath loves, playing the game.
Yes – with prison, look at the link to the support forum, I have a few emails from sociopaths there (diagnosed) who say how they cant stand the thought of prison did it once, and the boredom drove them insane.
3. is funny – but they still continue, and 4 yes I get it they are so caught up in ‘the game’ that they seem to ignore that bit at B….. which DOES get them into a lot of trouble, as their focus is C getting what they want 🙂 Sometimes it is SO ridiculous!! 🙂
I am going to check out that part of your website today, and I agree with what you said.
But will this guy ever give up & leave us alone?
Like if the court shuts him down? Right now he is pissed that I call him out….just like you said he won’t like it.
You said it best. “So ridiculous”! 🙂
where is the link? How did you do the drama?
I just wanted to say that yes it is true…the only weapons are exposure and no fear. My ex told me not to speak to him. We were on our way to divorce court, but he didn’t believe I would file. I went to a Conference out of town for a weekend, and didn’t tell him. He said not to speak. I came in, and he proceeded to put my lugggage outside, telling me I couldn’t come in, because I’d obviously been with another man all weekend.
i upped the ante and did what I’d never done. I didn’t say one word. I called the police.
He was scared as shit as I talked to the officer in the doorway, the officer assessing my luggage placed outside. He was so damn scared because now, there is proof. The police report is exposure.
From that day on, the game had changed. I wish I ‘d done it sooner. Up until I actually got the divorce papers filed, he respected every boundary line. And if I said something, he was always looking in my eyes to find the fear. I told him “I know what you’re looking for. Its gone”. And smiled. He flew into a fit, walking off and cussing to himself. There was a moment of remorse that whe went that far, begging me to “un-file” the papers. Sociopaths always go too far. and contrary to what I’ve read, they do pay for their actions and go to jail often. Alot of them engage in self destructive behaviors, which in my opinion is the manifestation of dealing with the guilt of the pain they caused. As I said, my opinion based on my experience. I do not beleive that human beings are without remorse; I just beleive that some people are better at supressing it. After that he left me alone.
Another important thing to mention is that while the divorce proceedings were happening, he kept trying to see if my life was as miserable as his. He would say things like, “I guess you won’t get married again, huh?” (His second marriage, my first.) His goal was to destroy my bright and cheery disposition, break me and make me as miserable as he was.
I said to him “Oh, no. I plan on remmarrying as soon as possible. I loved being a wife. I just hated being yours”. The look on his face said literally “all that work for nothing.”
So, take heed, I am so much happier, so much better. And he has drank himself into a 15 pound beer gut, hypertension, and a prescription medication habit. All his version of dealing with the guilt of his actions.
I am so empowered. I took my power back and it feels great. Don’t fuck with me!!! 🙂
Good for you taking back your power Jill… If he is a sociopath I doubt he feels guilty. They don’t have a conscience to feel guilt… not really.
Really pleased that you are recovering and putting your life back on track 🙂
hahaha I’m so glad you stood up for yourself JILL.
feels really good and gives you back the control
Girl, you’re my hero!
If you need some help whooping some ass, mentally speaking, let me know! 🙂
This is a great post…I had a male friend exactly like this, and his GF was one as well!
I have a question. I know that sociopaths use EVERYONE. AFTER 8 1/2 years, I left mine and your info has been amazingly insightful and helpful. I worked for him for the last year and learned more about the business than he. I did all the store staging, photography, email ads, networking, and set up his online store. When I left him, I left the job and he is truly lost. I took passwords with me and used them as negotiating tools because in the past, he has held my belongings “hostage” threatening to burn my clothes, piss and crap on them or throw them all down my street. Now, he’s asking for my “help” to do some ads for him. He “said” he would pay me, of which I only charge him $50.00 CDN. an ad. I want him to pay me in advance then feel like telling him to f**k off. Okay or no?
Be wary. as right now he is being nice because he wants something from you. The position that you are in is a strong one (you have ace cards whilst he has none). it is sad that you have to play this game with the sociopath, but it is the way that he is. if he paid you then you told him to get lost. Would you have used all your ace cards? As with a sociopath you always need something to keep the upper hand.
He hasn’t paid me and I have a conscience. I want no harm to anyone. Having said that, I deseve no harm.
He hasn’t paid me. That’s why I’m asking. I’m a capricorn-steady and fair. I wish no one ill and I also won’t be bullied. Thoughts?
At the time when I did this (what is written in this post) my life was hell. I couldn’t get rid of him. He was showing up at my house if I tried to establish no contact, was threatening to contact my work, cause carnage. It was a nightmare. I kept calling the police as I ignored the calls and texts and they escalated the more I ignored him, the worse it got. So in this circumstance, I had to keep playing the game. To get the upper hand to win, to end the game. It did work. I didn’t want to be with anyone else anyway. At that time, I was still in trauma. So managing him, seemed a better option, than the hell I was going through. If you are in the position that you have the upper hand, can end the game and just walk away – use it!!! …. When I wrote this post, that wasn’t an option and even the police wouldn’t work.
Okay. I have always believed that instead of fighting dirtier you fight smarter.
This is the thing though tracey you have a conscience and a sense or morality. And this is exactly what he doesn’t have. Why he will usually win. Right now you ARE winning, as you have what he wants. You are not giving it to him. The way to continue to win is to ignore him. Keep walking and enjoy your life. Otherwise you are simply re-entering the game with him. Being a player in the game. Sociopaths suffer with boredom. Stop playing the game with him. That is the true way to win. Otherwise he will exploit what he does not have, your emotions, and your conscience and sense of morality.
Gotcha. Don’t hit the hornets nest.
yes I agree….when you tell them to F off, they will say something really mean and you will be hurt and believe it which will make you feel worse.
so unless you are prepared NOT to care about anything he says after you’ve told him to F off, or have the balls to face the consequences, only then it might work
So I won’t reply and keep doing the no contact. My phone is registered under his name until January so I can’t change my number. I don’t want to be used by him or help him. That’s him taking advantage of my kindness. I always strive to do the right thing, and having thought about it, I would really never take his money and run. A fleeting thought
of it, but not who I am. It will just make things worst. So no contact is still the best way. Thank you!
Great blog this one. Thanks everyone for your candid and honest words. Yes it would take some strength or something to be able to do the kind of thing he does to me, but I realise I have done it to him to an extent, by default really when my plans have had to change on account of my kids being more of a priority, or saying yes to him when i really should say no. And at times ive just not wanted to be with him as it is more comfortable at my home so i renig on driving to see him, and he gets so p##d off. I have not always put my kids first since seeing him because he always say things like, “let em go” or “you talk about them and do too much for them”, Or “they dont want you hanging around”. They don’t like him so he is not invited to any of my four childrens’ birthday parties and as they are all adults, I can’t really say much when they are the ones organising etc, My daughter actually lived with us for a few months, and while she accepted him at first, because she is non judgemental and he is ever so charming. However, she saw his moods and how he treated me and couldn’t bear it. I’m not to take my granddaughter anywhere near him. So that will never change I’m sure.
Yep. Lie, lie, lie to them. No matter what about. If you tell them what time you’re going somewhere, or anything, then tell them anything that isn’t true about yourself. One morning my mum was in the kitchen so she didn’t hear what her neighbours were saying, but I did, and sure enough, it was about me. The stupid whore next door, or her mother, was talking to someone else about what time I had to be at the Jobcentre for. So when I came out of my room, I overheard her mentioning my name and whining about why I hadn’t left the house yet. I didn’t realize I was so interesting to her. I feel so flattered. If they keep it up, all this mentioning me, I’ll be celebrating, as at least I’m getting a lot of attention. Woohoo. Go me. Lmao. Nice to be famous in ANY sort of sense really. Again I’m lmao. At least I’m getting more attention than that tranny nextdoor. She is so boring that I hardly think about her. True. Why would I bother stalking someone I barely know? Like I’m truly interested. What a waste of life that would be. I do things because I want to, and at my own pace. Oh no. What if she see’s what I’ve typed? *mock paranoia*. It’s her own stupid fault. She can’t kill me. The only way I feel harm is if I’m in another country, near a bomb. So anyone is hardly a threat compared to a bomb. Do your worst, chick. But you have no bomb, so you can’t. Now I can carry on existing to my heart’s content. You’re not angry about that? Why not? After all, you’ve put tons of time and effort into stalking me. Oh I forgot, “you go to work”, or is that your mother who house-sits for you, who always threatens to kill me? Yeah yeah. Boo hoo. Your gran dying is no excuse to bully me. If I see you outside, the first thing I’ll do is throttle you. Then I’ll do you in ten-fold, but don’t bother letting my family know, because just the proof alone that you aggravated me, was always enough to make them think it was never my doing, because naturally, I’m a kind person, so why would I bother killing anyone? After all, kind people only feel a need to kill when pushed, so pick your poison. Oh wait, you already did, you’re a rank alcoholic. My mum laughs at the glass bottles clinking when you put your trash out. She also laughs at how you think it’s me in the early hours of the morning sitting on our toilet, well yet again, it WASN’T me. As soon as she heard your stupid snidy comments, she told everyone how you just like to assume whatever you want. You really ARE a sociopath. I have no choice but to remove your children from you before this gets ugly. Why wait? Yeah, your fault. You very silly person.
I don’t know if you are just angry. But you sound like a text book sociopath to me!!
I’m so not interested in her. But I guess it makes sense that she has fucked-up mental issue’s, because her brother used to bully me in school, and I would hear him talk to his “mates” in history lesson’s at school. When he did, he told them how he “skinned this rabbit on the way home from school lastnight”, yuck. Or how “I was f****** a horse and…………”. Ugh. Enough already. He must be a serial killer. And molests animals. So if she thinks I don’t know her family, she better think again. I laugh at the ridiculousness of it. She tries to ridicule, but then I laugh at how her brother had sex *insert puke smiley here* with animals. How crazy. I bet he even got his own sister pregnant. After all, he was quite the sicko. Hard to believe. He also used to constantly get explosive diahorrea in class (fate’s revenge for a wierdo perv). So hell I really CAN look back with laughter. My eye’s sting from laughing at the twerp right NOW, actually. Omg, if only more people knew about this.
I am sooo happy I found this page!!! I dated a sociopath for 8 years and trying to end it was a level of hell I never want to return to!! The first year I tried the “no contact” and found that it just escalated the situation every time-leading me to give in to protect my home/job/family etc. Then I started doing almost exactly what you’ve written–and it got better! My issue is that friends/family/co-workers all thought I was crazy to be nice to him, agreeing to talk to him, lying to him etc. I am so estatic to see that someone else has had success doing things in a way that seems entirely backwards to the rest of the population! Thank you for posting this!
Great post! Although I think the title should be changed to “How to De-escalate Sociopath Wrath When Cutting Ties”.
What sort of lies keep away the farthest and longest? Have you found any lies that have made the sociopath loose interest?
I have a REAL boyfriend who I love dearly and I don’t want the sociopath to ruin my relationship out of vengeance. The sociopath has developed an arsenal of lies to where he might be able to really damage my relationships. Right now, sociopath is being nice and trying to win me back romantically. I am “grossed out” by the sight of him.
I can’t threaten to “expose” the sociopath. He enjoys smear campaign games and I don’t have the courage. I found that lying and keeping them at an information deficit has helped.
What people don’t seem to understand is that they do NOT go away. And, that no contact causes them to go to other means to hurt you. They are never done with their smear campaigns.
The sick sociopath I am dealing with makes sure to ruin the new romantic relationships of everyone who he has dated (especially mine!). After 7 years, he won’t go away. Restraining orders have just cost me dearly in the courts and caused me a nervous break down.
There is so much bad advice out there. People don’t understand the anger, hatred and wrath that “no contact” provokes. Sociopaths become further fixated and obsessed.
Thanks for this post. You clearly have experience with a real sociopath. I’d love your insight.
Thank you. This post was written when things are desperate – and NOTHING is working. And your own life is going downhill fast. It really does take a lot of energy. But sometimes – your life has been destroyed so much you really have nothing left to lose. I convinced the one in my life that I was a dangerous nutter 🙂 …. and that he was actually more at risk of me. The sociopath cannot manipulate a constantly moving target. It did work though!!!
Its funny, if your life is not going downhill, they will make SURE it does.
I’ve often contemplated trying to introduce the sociopath to new love interests so he will get off my case: “you’re such a great guy, let me set you up on a date”. However, that would be mean — there is no one who deserves his wrath.
I don’t understand how judges and police officers are not trained to spot these dangerous types.
Anything to raise community awareness (like these blogs), HELPS.
Tell a sociopath you’re pregnant every month. lol. Call them out on being a narc every single god damn day and they will run away fast. Why? Because they truly don’t want to be seen for what they really are which is hate, evil and resentment of all the thing they don’t have but YOU do. They want to ruin you till you have nothing or are deadc. Call them on all their bullshit. tell them they are losers, theives and liars and they will go away quick but first you have to have some damaging info on them so they run with their tail between their legs. They do not like to be seen in a bad light by others. Image is EVERYTHING for them. Just keep telling bullshit lies ( don’t even try to hide the lies) and they will tell you are a liar, blah, blah , blah but it really is a mirror image of themselves as they like to mirror the good person they are trying to con in what we call a relationship or I should say a “relationSHIT”!!c
Great article. After experiencing the wrath of 3 sociopaths I think mirroring their behaviour and feeding them false info is the best approach after no contact. I think it creates extreme confusion for them after all they are relying on their targets honesty to manipulate/ruin them . I think it really annoys them to eff with their game especially since they put so much effort into it. I would be interested to witness these three women in a room together trying gather useful information for later manipulation off each other, seeing who would mirror who, what victim role each would assume, who out of each other they would choose as a target and ultimately who’s the most apt sociopath and would ruin the others emotionally, if that is possible due to the lack of real emotions. What happens when sociopaths paths cross?
It is not that sociopath do not feel. They bury what they feel without thinking. Able to turn it on and off, sometimes at will hence the charming part of it all. We are not unfeeling monsters looking for”supply”. We want what anyone else wants, to be loved, we just unable to express it properly just like every other emotional response. To say their is no hope for a sociapath is giving up on a person, Helen Keller learned to read, write, and sign without ever being able to see, hear, or speak ; to say a sociopath is hopeless and inhuman is only feeding the problem. Have the compassion and empathy we do not because the vast majority hide amongst you hiding the shame you accuse us of not having by pretending to be “normal”. Some of the worst atrocities have been committed by men of conscience to demonize a group of people because of your personal experience is unfair.
Why do you always deflect and blame someone else. What difference does it make – what some of the worst atrocities have been done – how do you know that they had a conscience (people who did those kind of things?) how do you know that they were not sociopaths?
I cannot believe that you are playing victim – and saying that you are being demonised!! – truthfully the people who post here, did nothing except to love. To give to share – and were taken advantage of, lied to, betrayed and deceived. Many had their lives ruined so badly it is difficult to pick up the pieces. Just because you have no conscience – doesn’t mean you have to turn worlds upside down.
As for being loved – I would say that the sociopaths described here, were loved – yet they still destroyed. Yet again pushing yet another person away because of bad behaviour.
Couldn’t have said it better!
Pathetic….always playing the wounded cub, when they are all a p.o.s. (piece of s**t).
hi, i really need some help and support. i feel like im losing my mind, my self, and my life. i have been been with my ex fiance for 3 years. i know now he is a sociopath. he left again, after promising me the world and that he would not up and leave again and make it up to me. he called me 5 days ago and said he was coming home, then never did or called and have not heard from him since. a pattern that has been going on for 2 of the 3 years. but i still love him with all my heart. i cry all the time. a wait for him to call. im afraid that this time he wont, even though he always does, even after several months go by. i miss him. he broke my heart. i truelly still believe he loves me. but just dont understand why he treats me like this. he really makes me feel like it is my fault. how can i get him to call me? i dont think im ready to let go. i dont understand any of this because any other man i would have ended it long ago. im hurting bad. no one understands. everyone says to go on and they cant understand why i keep taking him back. each time he convinces me that this time he will change. that is the only time he admitts to being wrong, when he is ready to come back. what do i do? i feel like im stuck. theres so much i can say. im crying now. he broke my heart, over and over. but i am convinced he loves me. i really want him to call. he wont answer his phone or my texts. what should i do?
What you need to do is to go no contact to break the addiction. It is an addiction. As for love the closest you get is ownership and possession. A puppet for them to control. If you don’t believe me. If he is being nice do something to take away his control. When a sociopath loses control his mask slips and you will see the narcissistic rage. Sociopaths always show their true colour when they think they have nothing against to lose.
I second that sociopaths never stop. There is always a motive with them and they know Exactly what they are doing. No sympathise for your ilk I’m afraid. Sociopaths deserve everything they get. They also fear getting old and losing their looks and we all know why 😂. Pieces of shit they are.
Travis….you sound like a true sociopath to me.
Instead of passing the buck, sociopaths should learn to control themselves….which is impossible b/c it is a mental problem.
Psychiatrists say being a sociopath is a personality disorder, which can be controlled through meds and therapy sessions.
Here is the issue….a sociopath doesn’t think it is ever them and would never take meds b/c that is admitting THEY are the problem.
Sociopaths are an evil group of ppl, and frankly deserve everything bad they get.
Thank you so very much for this article. I can’t even began to explain how accurate this article is in describing the person I have been dating for the last year. After having him drain me of my finances, use me as his residence, for his ego, and more, he also affected me negGively by all his reckless behavior. He had no concept of repercussions or care. If he got arrested for something he did, it was somehow someone else’s fault for priorly not doing something that then led him to do said behavior and get arrested. Nothing ever made sense with him. Yet his charm was so incredibly disarming. He was able to play the victim role on a daily basis. Lately I just got fed up an started catching on to the lies and calling him out and just as the article said, what you saw afterwards was just here insanity. It wa very scary. That insanity has led me to fear for my future safety And I have recently broke up with this person and hope that it doesn’t escalate.
Thank you so much. My sociopathic husband and his entire family — huge family — spend their every waking moments discovering how to ruin me and then parade their achievements on facebook. Everything is presented for God’s glory. I probably sound nuts, like I’m making it up to be so concerned. But I’m figuring you get it. Just thanks so much for this. That is all. So grateful.
So sorry to hear that, Lori. And, do understand. My soc’s sister is vicious and has written the nastiest texts to me and said the rudest things to their family members—all accusing lies—while she, herself, has been arrested for prostitution and is on parole. Her public Facebook is always shared pictures with verses and high-minded sayings that make me roll my eyes, the irony is so deep.
I have read earlier this morning of a profile of a sociopath and yes, I have gone thru’ the experience. I was at an emotional low early January 2013 and met a woman thru’ a genuine dating website. We had dinners and dancing events on several occasions. I live a life of solitude and had much love to give but now some 10 months later and £45k out of pocket, I chose the wrong person. She was kind and attentive but as the months were passing by, some things did not add up. She was very much in control when to see me or not and where I was thinking, she had a terrible adult life and why would I not help, it turned out that she inflicted a terrible adult life on herself. This episode has brought me to the limits of human sanity, doubting if something was wrong with me….but she played the game very well. Mind you, I mention the word ‘play’ but I view that their childhood misery has been the trigger for their current condition. It is an illness, and unfortunate, no quick-available remedy. I disapprove of the privacy laws applicable in UK as I could have avoided the damage incurred if more info on individual history was available at the time. It is no doubt that these people have more cards to play and I really wanted to shout out loud to avoid other people being hurt. I changed my mobile phone number and whilst she still calls me at work and puts the phone down as soon as I answered (her number is the only one withheld) and she stills sends e-mails, I refuse any reply. The emotional scarf is slowly healing and I just wish that their were organisations out there who could get involved in offering help to sociopaths and their victims. What is to become of her children?
Hi humble, thanks for you comment and welcome to the site. I am sorry that you have had to go through so much loss and pain. It is good to hear that you are on the road to recovery and healing. And that you can see the truth – this means that you are out of the fog of confusion and moving in the right direction for you. I do plan in the future 2014 to do more in terms of setting up support networks. I am in the UK…. which is where I will start. You are right. There needs to be far more information out there.
This sounds like playing their game. Is there is slightest chance for us to become them? When we are to mimic them,what do we see? Ourselves? Sounds like fun but not sure it would work at least not in my case…
What do you do Moby when they won’t stop? When police are called repeatedly and nothing is done? When the threats are getting to the point when you cannot cope anymore.
I always say stop playing the game. Sometimes that isn’t possible when the person is outside of your house shouting and yelling and your home is at risk.
Doing the above was the only thing that did eventually stop it. You see they control you through fear…. I had to fight back – to show that I actually am not scared of you.
But as I have said – its not for everyone. It certainly should’t be attempted if the person is violent. Or if you have children together and probably not if you work together either.
In my case – I had nothing left to lose – apart from my home. And that was going to be gone too if I didn’t stop it.
I am in the no contact status, however I feel so bitter and hurt that I want revenge and want to destroy him. He lied about having a high school diploma to get a job. I’ve read that often it will backfire. He has literally destroyed my sense of trust for others and left me paranoid and empty. Although he has not contacted me and I have met his next victim, I still have a desire to tear his ass out the frame by affecting his money source.
Hi I don’t know what to do with my situation so I am looking for advice. I had been in a relationship with a man for 7 months..I knew he was jealous, controlling and manipulative but to what extent I didn’t realise. A lot has happened the past 2 months or so which prompted me to google ‘adult not able to feel remorse or guilt’ and up popped everything about sociopaths! It was then I stumbled on this website and oh my god it could all have been written solely for him. It shocked me but I have also had a revelation now where i know I will not, under any circumstances be taking this man back like I have done previously. It is scary. So I am trying the no contact and it works for a bit but I am now starting to, as time goes on and I think he is starting to realise I am not going to run back to him, get more nasty personal attacking me texts. Before it was anger, rage…I’m the lowest of the low, I’ve broke his heart etc etc which didn’t affect me but now it’s getting personal and I don’t respond but it still chips a bit off of me every time I read one. I know it shouldn’t but it does. I’ve only been out the relationship a couple of weeks, been trying to break it off the past month but it’s been so hard. But now I am determined…I do not want to share my life with a nutter. So it’s all raw and fresh to me. He has done stuff behind my back which kills me to think of it but to my face I am the prettiest most amazing unique person he has ever been with. Full of the compliments and the charm. He was changing ever so subtly to his true self until I caught him out about something and now he’s back to the man I first met.
Anyway my question is do I block his number so I can’t read the texts and get upset or do I get a heart of steel and keep the texts for evidence for the police…I am planning to talk to them tomorrow as his texts have been threatening.
Another thing people are now saying don’t do the no contact as it makes them angrier…this is what I am finding…but surely if I contact him he thinks he has won as this is what he wanted all along?? I will hear nothing from him for a couple of days and then all he’ll breaks loose. He’s gone quiet again and my stomach is in knots thinking what he is planning.
I don’t know what to do. He is so angry and I am scared of what he will do. ESP as I am ignoring him. Maybe this isn’t the best road to go down! Help and sorry for babbling!
I certainly found that No Contact did make him angrier. He would show up at my house shouting and yelling. (remember that they control through fear and manipulate with fake love). I found that it did (for me) make it worse.
I struggled with No Contact, as he got angry. However, No contact is not for him. its for you. You see you will NEVER get out of the relationship if you continue to have no contact. You cant be friends with them. All that it does is continue the cycle with them. To them, life is a game, and you, are merely a player in the game. Sociopaths struggle with being on their own they usually need to be with someone. So if he cant be with you and he knows that there is no way to get a foot in the door, he could move onto someone else. the worst thing, if he didn’t want you to leave is that he will undertake a ruining and smear campaign against you. (to the sociopaths mind if he cant have you, nobody else can either). So bear that in mind.
You can’t really end a relationship with a sociopath – who doesn’t want it without him becoming angry. The whole, you keeping in contact to passify him, is really playing the game with him. You dont want to be in contact with him. You want to end the relationship. So why play his game? All it will do is delay the inevitable and is likely the outcome would be the same. I would use the police to back you should he start causing you trouble (which he likely will).
Remember…. No contact, is not for him – its for you. So do what is right for you. He might get bored if you make it difficult and move on, but more likely this could spurn him on more. Likely he could find further information about you to ruin you.
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly, I have been managing the no contact without any hesitation…I do not want to see or hear from this man ever again, but I do know just because he has been quiet for a couple of days does not mean that’s it he’s accepted it’s over. That would be too simple. It’s awful but I wish he would leave me alone and find someone else it’s far too early in the ‘no contact’ situation for me to know how he is going to react. But with the threats it sounds like he is planning something. I feel sick at the thought of that, I just thought with no contact he wasn’t getting the attention and drama he needed so would get bored and move on. Who knows. It’s the waiting that’s the horrible part. I just feel that this is never going to be over and I just want my normal life back. It’s been so weird to be out of this intense relationship, I can actually feel the ‘old’ me coming back, it’s like he had taken over every aspect of my mind body and life. I am a normal no drama person, never been in trouble in my life and now my life is like a blummin’ soap opera!!
Ah i understand about the soap opera!!
Well if he isn’t showing at your house… that is good. As you can ignore the texts/emails. I have to admit, I found that hard to just ‘ignore’ as if someone was threatening to do something to me, I wanted to know about it.
Also, make sure that you change your passwords. I had to change mine regularly. Make sure that your friends list is not visible on social networking sites. I say this as my ex managed to send horrible emails about me to a lot of people. Just out of spite. It said words that had a thread of truth – the rest was lies and made up. I still come across people today who tell me that they had one of those emails 😦 i think he sent around 50 😦
Remember also that he thrives on making you feel fear. So display no emotions at all. This is why No contact is often effective. They will show rage for a bit but would eventually move on if they thought that there was no chance…. I likened it to vermin…. that was what it was like, like a bad virus. It does get worse…. so no contact, just removes you from playing the game.
Yes I did find it hard to do the no contact hence why I kept going back to him…he knew I would cave when I seen him, he would o the chat, guilt, sob story. But literally, I found your website, it hit the nail on the head and that’s been it for me..I’ve had no desire to contact him. Yeh I want to ask questions but I know now there are none that he can answer. I honestly dont know how I am feeling, but I do know it pisses me off thati spent time with someone that didn’t love me..I don’t want that! I know I am going to be affected later, prob when meet someone new, with trust issues, and knowing he didn’t love me, or like me (?) i was ‘groomed’ from the start, tht is going to take some time to get my head around and accept. But I honestly can’t thank you enough, If it weren’t for your site I know I would’ve fallen for him again and got trapped in the same vicious cycle again. Need to sleep now but posting even this has helped me so will be on again tomorrow lol! You need paid for this! 🙂
Oh and thanks for the tip on friends list.
Just wanted to add that all his anger and rage has been through text and email, he hang came to house or stalked me (like he used to!!)
wow…. nice work. I wish I could do it, but with my son involved, as you rightly mentioned in your caution, I can’t. I also don’t want to be like her and have difficulty lying. But I think, even not employing the strategy, It is very useful to know. Like a gun, nice to know it’s there, but awful to use it.
Again, it really seems very like ” the art of war”.
To fight an enemy you must know yourself and know your enemy. But the same goes when you cannot fight, just hold at bay. Also imagining it as a battle/game in specific incidences, and “winning”, can help you stay sane.
We need to learn as they just are. You can’t hurt a tanks feelings or reason with it, but you can take it off it’s tracks from time to time.
the more aggressive the sociopath is the less you will need to do and the more ammunition they give you. this is usually what the victim does, gets angry and expresses it, then they get made look like the predator.
Men that beat their wives do this – deny, attack the victim, blame her, smear her and psychologically torture her – the gov’t wants more jail time and public record databases of felony domestic abusers – all men who commit indictable offenses like this are compulsive liars and psychopaths
Take John McAfee – he is a psychopath. Now take an average so called Joe, add some ego, extreme lying disorder, jealousy, control, need to monitor women and narcissism – you’ve got the potential for a murderer
RUN – at ANY hint of abuse or lies
I don’t lie usually i am very honest…. yet I found it an interesting process (obvs not recommended for you with a child)…. what i learned was
a) how easy it was (how he didnt expect it either)
b) when doing it how little regard I had for him and his feelings.
c) I coped with b by telling myself he had no real feelings to hurt….
and you know what… c was right!!!! 🙂 he didn’t really care that much. He just learned I wasn’t really someone to carry on playing games with. he did, but never again like he had before. A year later he even got a job and paid me back money he owed. I am glad that happened. It made me feel better getting the money back.
Ye, you saw my post about when I just didn’t back down by not responding to her e mail… she lost it! She usually uses non contact as a weapon …. it was weird how she, and her boyfriend, justified it. So I just said ” so it would be ok for me to come down to your house and do the same when she did similar?” Of course no response. I don’t think he is one, to easily used and too reactionary. But so amazingly brainwashed. It is really something that shows, thinking logic, fairness and reason are relevant… they are not, and we have to accept that.
But apart from two other occasions I can think of that happened without me making a decision, this was the only time she lost it. Even those times were instant reactions to being cornered by the truth where she had to answer or freak out. This reaction really took me by surprise.
She would usually not react and then use it against me and passive aggressively make me pay. Passive aggression is her method and it is awful. At least direct aggression, as in her boyfriend, has some honesty and feeling in it. I would prefer direct aggression to passive hands down, it usually has some hope of resolution in it at least.
From my experience, well one other sociopath, passive aggression and not risking showing you hand… was a common factor. He was stupid and a coward though. She is insecure and manipulative.
He was in my secondary school. I found out years after knowing him, that he was placed in a sort of refuge for mentally vulnerable people. The feelings of terror for the other people their trying to recover from PTSD, abuse, neglect, were horrible. His “disorder” was not like theirs. They were exposed and vulnerable, he was a predator. Putting him with them was like putting a hungry killer shark in a pool with people bleeding from other sharks bights! There was nothing I could even do to try and warn them.
…. I haven’t thought about him in a long time.
I live with somebody who I believe to be a sociopath. We have a child together and I am currently pregnant with our second child. I feel during my pregnancies he ramps up the abuse and I find it very hard to deal with and my self esteem and confidence are at an all time low. We have separated before but he doesn’t leave me alone and still has total control of me. I don’t have the strength to leave him and I can’t see how much would change if I did. He would still emotionally abuse me and control me so I don’t have a choice but to stay with him and accept that this is my life. All my hopes and dreams of a nice husband and family have been shattered and I wish I had never met him. I can see why I fell for him initially but I don’t understand why I’m so scared of losing him when all he does is shout at me, lie to me, call me names and laugh at me when I cry. I feel sorry for anyone else living with a sociopath its an impossible situation and a miserable existence. If anyone can tell me something positive or just that they understand I would be grateful as this isn’t the kind of thing I could tell my friends or family.
Hi violet, welcome to the site. I and many other people here absolutely understand how you feel. When you read through stories on this site you will see that you are one of many.
You do have a choice. You don’t have to stay. It is just that sometimes the heart can take a while to catch up with what the head already knows.
Thanks for your reply. I will have a read through your site and hopefully get the push I need to figure a way out of this or at least ways to cope. Thank you
It does get better violet. The more you read. The more you learn the easier it becomes to emotionally detach.
I use to feel similar to you, no real great reason how we got together (he just got me at a bad time in my life) and yes being pregnant does ramp them up (I think b/c they feel they have you trapped). But I just ignored him during my pregnancy, and enjoyed being pregnant.
You can also focus on your little one, you already have too. I was a cold bitch, who didn’t act mean, just acted busy, tired, etc. all the time and basically treated him like a co-worker. I didn’t even treat him like he was a one of my guy friends. Lol!
I had great days while he was at work, talking to friends, going online, watching favorite shows, and spending up on his credit cards (can we say 5,000 a month bills??). I figured, hey I’ll hit you where it hurts, and if you can’t pay, oh well. I was so passive aggressive about it when the bills came.
When he got home I would just be quite, not ask how his day was (I didn’t care), not make dinner (I am too tired b/c I am pregnant….wink, wink).
This went on and he hated it. Finally, I let and of course it is holy war. I know positive girl doesn’t endorse fighting back with children, but I am. See my sociopath is sloppy, and does’t cover his tracks very well. I have so much dirt that he is ruined. There are tons of these types in court, as I have noticed, and they do stupid things in these proceedings that wreck their own case.
I have an awesome attorney who always strikes on my
Positive girl is right, you can leave. Not every sociopath is exactly the same, so you have to find out what ‘kind’ you have. Mine is a drama queen who acts like at 14 year old girl who is vicious. The only love is money and and explodes when confronted with his dirt.
I hope to post here, when my story is complete and give a full account (relationship to court) and maybe it will help someone else.
But here are some valuable tips I have learned….
1. Offer to go to counseling. This one is great b/c where I lived it can be used in this case during our forensic stage, for court.
2. Check your domestic violence laws. Where I am it’s not just physical abuse.
3. Go to a lawyer ASAP, in secret….even a free consultation will help. They explained to me to file the restraining order and temporary motion for custody and to flea all at once. Where I am it gets you out of the home ( without losing you share), gets you the kids (so they are safe, for now) and since you started the proceedings, the court tends to believe that person at first a little more ( several lawyers told me this) until they see what is going on.
Hope a this helps…..please don’t be sad and please go to your family and tell them. You don’t have to feel embarrassed! I felt that way too, but they truly are my biggest fans during this non-stop crazy train.
Hi Violet, I second what PosG said.
It is hard for others to understand, but this guy isn’t just uncaring, he is abusive and causing you to give up on happiness ever being yours. That doesn’t need to be the case. The doubt you have about leaving and it doing any good is how he wants you to feel. THis happens to people with abusive partners. YOu have heard it yourself, and others wonder why they don’t leave.
Many do now understand it is a psychological hold the abusive person has on their partner. The thing about emotional abuse is you can have a massive say in how it effects you. You don’t feel like that now, no one ever does. But if you get away, get support, you will look back and see that you always had this power, but the abuse and control tok away you ability to see that.
These people undermine you, that is their power, taking yours. They really have none themselves. I think it was elanor rosevelt who said “no one can make you feel small without your permission”…. this guy got in under your radar. Had he first approached you like this, you would have told him where to go!
He used your desire for love, your belief in him to take your self esteem away. Now he is bombarding you with extreme emotional abuse, and you are carrying his child! after having one with him already. All you wanted was a happy family, love and respect. In return for that you gave him yourself, a loving wife and mother.
You have been deceived and you have not been given what you deserve from this charter. YOu have not only not received what you deserve, to stop you saying, hang on mister what’s all this?, he has gone further and to assure himself you won’t get close to even touching on that, he has attacked you very self.
We all here have been taken for a hellish ride, made vulnerable by our humanity and trust. I am not ashamed it happened to me, my “weakness” is not a weakness, it is part of being a person who loves and cares and feels love. That is something these people will never feel. In the end, they are empty bitter hollow beings, in the end they lose.
Don’t let this person control you any more. Speak to your family and friends and arrange to get out. When you do, don’t communicate directly with him. Go through a third party. THis will give you time to gain perspective and see how strong you are and can be. You just need to not see yourself through the lens of fear and abuse. Then you can see how different things are and how small this man’s world is, and that you don’t need it.
From what you say, there is no grey area, this is just toxic hell. You have willed yourself to talk here. You know something has to change. Do it now before this degenerate hurts you ant more. You are not afraid of losing him, you wish you never met him…. you are just afraid of being by yourself, accepting fully and making the decision that it is over. You won’t be by yourself and you will see how different things can be and that you can be happy… and your kids too.
Hearing you ask for something positive strikes very deep with me. I remember asking my son’s mother, in utter despair, in a text, can you say something nice? All I wanted was just a kind text, the response was far from kind.
You are a real person, a loving person, a person who will be ok and will be happy. Just decide to be and you are on your way. Tell you family and they will help you.
Beautiful comment 🙂 I love this site 🙂
Daniel is soooooooooooooooo right. Girl the toxic partner in your life is blocking your blessings. Remove the obstacles and watch your blessings grow an unfold. Many angels come at different points in our lives when most needed. You are not alone.
so what happens when u walk away and I gave a few of them more respect I it to walk a month warning and mature to get out I picked myself up and if I dind not igd gotten volent l cut of fmy family same way and yes the sister did show up at my door out of loss of control not out f my protect me from something? lies. she abuse me and then say she was protect me, lies it was control she no onger or father could not control me in abuse, I have had then people same as them toss at me by the source of this. I also escape them happy. they did not like this either and evenw ehnthey got persons to help and pick them up I walked and went on . they did want to bause nd follow and threaten to kill me and stalk me telepathicly. so when the person I suspect was goig to be used to get even with me mfor htem was toss at me. I did not for for it. he had to wait for a way to get a hook in me , at a bad moment or a moment I might been weaker but not defenseless he sense it maybe. or someone told him to do this telepathily he was inspired by my ex. I sense was up to no good. I don’t get into this shit of abuse and games I walk away and him done it iwith it. so if the persons were still silenty staking me id be on guard about it to. all of them are that type. and the family to. the game to disable me do bad to render me now helpless and then see me die and te lion king ending of my life came when I was left in a set up and the person who failed to get my attteniton . mabe he could not ake losing at the game ? before it even happen and was pat of an army of them on me. so I got hit, and dragged and then I was given no medical care and a very wickerman and lion king ending its not of any conseations to me. it was tragicly painful and I was the one set up like silent hil to be the demon and it was not me. the ex I left sat behind me at a show and watch me with a guy but I didnnt care he was with a woman he hated and watned to use for money. the guy said hed pay for my way int o the show. I had paid for every dime of this pimps ife for thre eyears iwht zero dolllars to my n ame , he ate off me piss of me drank and other.. and then wanted to kill me on way out of it, because I had a life. I knew he was a threat and the family are of samae nature the sister was not protedct me she is the one who abuse me and insult and contro and keep me down. he rcoming miles out of he life to find me when I began to meet young and happy people and succeed and travel was not about me, was her. to make sure I did not. I los my life despite I put up fight from damage of the attack on me three years ago for the likes of all of t hem put on me.. he reversed god blessing for me to surive and get my own ife maybe he was awoodsman in the snow white game that was made to kill me not spare me by a game. for the evil wtich to come and get him. to get me in game they had to do some witchcraft, then my wounds were not treated an I was elft to night mare. I lost the game. but techincallly I won. all around . dying was not god plane or defeated.
Violet I am so sorry you are going thru this. Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone.
Need advice before I lose my life savings….and it my already be too late! Been in a 2.5 year relationship with narcissitic sociopath, which I have always had a gut feeling that something was wrong, but now that I have found this, as well as other sites, it is clear that this is what i’m dealing with. no children involved, but we purchased a home 5 months ago, using MY retirement money as the down payment. He was able to get the loan for the other 1/2 of the purchase price. Agreement was that he would make the house payments, and we would own it in 5 years. He was fired from his job 2 months ago, found another job recently, and now says he doesn’t want this relationship but refuses to sell the house, move out, etc. The kicker is that my name is NOT on the deed, so I have no legal recourse to the $30k I have invested. Stupid, right? Had no idea he was a sp or I never would have made this investment. Although all the signs were there, I just wasn’t aware of the condition and would never imagine in a million years that I would fall for something like this. The past 2 weekends he has left and not come home for 2-3 days, and he has been active on a dating website, so I’m pretty confident he has found a new victim. I was hoping he would just leave and go live with her, but the legalities of him owning this home has me stumped on how to get back what is mine. Anyhow, I can’t leave without my money so I was thinking of staying and continuing to do for him as I have been, but that will only feed him. Now I read this and I would like to start playing the game, although I have real difficulty in lying so I’m sure he will figure it out. My goal is to somehow get him to put me on the deed or get him to agree to sell the house so I can get my money back. Of course, he says he would never cheat me out of my money….biggest lie EVER! I am a strong woman, and my heart is no longer broken after reading non stop for the past 24 hours. He doesn’t care/love me because he is incapable. I get that now, so I just need to get my money and get on with my life. Any suggestions on how to go about it? I would agree to “buying” the house from him (take over the loan) if he is willing to sign over the deed and have no rights to it, but i doubt if he will. HELP!!
Hi, the biggest problem that you have with a sociopath is that they are compulsive pathological liars. So, you might have ‘loaned’ him the money but if you have no proof otherwise, he will likely lie and say that you gave it as a gift. in fact he definitely would do this. If you could prove that you paid money towards the property there might be something that you could do legally to get some money back. I would seek legal advice.
The other option is to not let him know that you know that he is a sociopath and play dumb. You could ‘sell’ him a good deal…. for example if you went joint on the deeds you would be happy to make mortgage payments etc. Sell it to him as a deal that he will financially benefit from. However he might not fall for this. Also do you want to be tied to a mortgage with a sociopath? Try not to let him know that you know and understand all about him. This will be your ace card. He will expect you to be honest and truthful. You could use this your advantage. I wouldn’t usually advocate this as it merely continues the game with the sociopath.
Seek legal advice first, and see what your rights are? Whatever, try not to panic. Do not display emotion to him, be a blank canvas that he cannot read. I would see what your rights are and if there is anything that you can do, prior to trying the second option. If you do go second option, play dumb and in love (and a sucker) and play it so that he will financially be rewarded. You can then revise your plans after he has put your name onto the deed (if that happens) remember they always think ‘what is in this for me’ so sell it that there will be something in it for him…
That is my plan…play the “in love” sucker and his game until I get what is mine. Problem is lying and deceit are not in my nature and I’m not good at it. All I can hope is to start with little things to see how I do (and hopefully not get caught) to build my confidence in my ability to deceive and then execute a plan that will leave him reeling. The not showing emotion or “poker face” is also difficult for me, but I am doing my best. We shall see how it all turns out. Patience grasshopper is all I keep telling myself 🙂
don’t do it if he is violent. Be aware you are merely prolonging the game. And also aware that you could lose more. I had nothing more to lose. By being involved he can find more information about you. But if you have nothing to lose. You can’t. My advice for this was for people whose life is being made hell. Don’t expect to get back from him what he owes you. To the sociopath it will be what’s in it for them. I did this as at the time I was in storm of he’ll and no contact was impossible. If I didn’t stop it I would have lost my home too.
Well what judge in their right mind would think YOU would just give some MOFO your retirement! I don’t care who you are, play victim like him and cry in court. Boohoo, and get him off the deed, and snap shot all his dating profiles!! F him. That is crap! I am sorry this is happening to you! Seek legal advice as soon as possible, if you can’t prove it it didn’t happen! And always create a paper trail!
You’d be surprised….
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life was “play it cool” for 3 days after I spoke with my ex-boyfriend’s ex-fiancé and found out everything about his lying. He said that SHE had died of cancer but she was alive and well. The whole time I was talking to her, I took notes and ended up with four hand written pages. I also found out that he was seeing someone else (living a double life) for our entire relationship. I got the contact info for this other woman and she sent me pictures that she had taken with him that very day!! He didn’t know that I knew and I gathered evidence and acted normal and loving for 3 days. In one case, I had to pull my car over and throw up after talking to him on the phone and saying “I love you”….I presented all of my “evidence” to his mother and father (also lied about his own dad having prostate cancer) so he couldn’t slander me to them. Also, when I confronted him, I had the proof to invalidate everything that he tried to lie about….he resorted to having an tantrum and crying and was infuriated that I had him backed in a corner. That wasn’t the end though….he harassed for weeks and weeks and even showed up at my work with an engagement ring and went to my parent’s house!! He was one crazy SOB! A friend finally did what I couldn’t and changed my number and took me to hide at another friend’s house. He was leaving letters in the mailbox being all kinds of crazy. He even tried to say that it was Satan that had made him do what he did!
If anyone is in a similar situation…Get Away…No matter what it takes!!
I am going to do a survey to see how many people were told about cancer it seems a common lie that they tell and a very very wicked one.
Because they ARE a cancer!! Also, a coworker and close friend of mine suffered the very real loss of her son to Leukemia; I was beside myself with grief and he said that he couldn’t be around me because it brought up so many bad memories about when he lost his fiancé! He even told my friend’s boyfriend the same old story about her dying and he was crying on the beach…Sick Sick Sick….. I think that an unsettling number of visitors to this site have a testimony about their Soc lying about someone having cancer.
Yep mine faked his daughters mother was dying of cancer year after my daughter died. I cannot express the anxiety loss and devastation that put me through.
Posv – oh you should narrow it down who died of what, at what age, the relation, if they really are deceased or not? (It could be a family dog who died of a tumor during their childhood who suddenly became a sister and now has a tumor!). You know how emotional lies are, whatever fits their situation is now the God’s honest truth, so help them they don’t get struck down, by lightening, or not! 😊
Lol yeah something like that. Whatever suits. That is what I grew sick of at the end the lies. He would lie when it would be easier to tell the truth. He would create deliberate problems by lying. He loves an audience and attention but he has nervous energy. The final straw came when he got physical then promised to go counselling I even went to free session with him. Then he faked going again got loads of attention good boy etc. Told everyone how he was doing this etc. I thought I just can’t be bothered why tell such lies. Other bad ones were faking jobs he got me into so much debt absolutely crazy.
My ex said his uncle and aunt died of cancer…..its a popular illness, just think in the 80s it would have been AIDS & 90s it would have been people abruptly taken off psychotropic drugs committing a mass shooting…these abusers are ridiculous….
Me too my sociopath lied to me his mother had a cancer, his baby boy has one year left to live and that he had a fiance that died in a car accident !! Lies lies lies !!
Hi everyone, it’s been 4 months now since I’ve established no contact, it’s been good so far, as I managed to keep my dignity. I saw him a few days ago in his car. I was driving thank god, he went into rage in his car arms every where, shouting and snaring towards me, I quickly turned away and drove away, yes it was that easy, I patted myself on the back, no more pain for me, I have left a thousand times since being in the 8 yr relationship. I’m happier now than ever before it feels free and right. I’m beginning to love me and I adore my own company. I’m focussed on me entirely now and my precious son, he has excelled too. But it does not stop the questioning and answers needed, I have been feeling slight fear at times as to where is he now?? Who is the new supplier of source?? What is he saying about my where a outs to family and friends?? All his messages are deleted and no reply , why would he continue to send them??? He has been silent in phone calls, texts only. I just want to be free so I won’t be interested in going back!!!! Thank god. I will keep strong like the socio said stay strong and I say stay strong and stay away from you!!!!
Congratulations on 4 months No Contact [NC]! This is really a step in the right direction for you and your son. I too am going through something similar, from ending a 2yr relationship with a dumbass. Do not be surprise if the start to stalk. It doesn’t matter who ended the relationship. For abusers, the issue is about control over your life and anything they could do to get you to focus on them. Continue to stay strong. You did the right thing which was drive away. I know it will bring back bad memories, it may even cause you to jolt sometimes by just the way they stare and snare. I urge you to read “The gift of fear”, from Gavin deBecker. It has helped me in the past to help distinguish between real fear and fantasy fear. Being with these abusers messes up our heads. Also, our fight / flight compass is skewed. Don’t get me wrong, be alert. Start with assertiveness and strengthening boundaries. Review in your mind if he has physically attacked you before, even if he pushed you. Then if he has, keep safe distance, always have your cellphone charged. Practise the poker face in the mirror. These abusers are looking for a reaction. If you show fear, they will keep coming around. If you show out and out angry, they will point and say “see, I always told you she was psycho”. If you show no reaction, they are at a loss. Don’t worry about what he says about you. It’s not the same as feeling hurt by the lies he will say and the people who may believe. Another way of taking this is thinking he is doing you a favour. Most of us will strive to have the best people around us, which includes are most dedicated friends. He will inadvertently help you determine which friends are true and which are not. Makes your life a whole lot easier. Plus, if anyone asks you about him, kindly change the topic..I usually say “that chapter in my life is now closed, let me tell you about my new exciting chapter…” keeps people engaged and no one can go back and say “I heard her say so and so”. In fact, you would have made him unimportant because you didn’t bother having the energy to speak his name. If you find that he is stalking you, take down dates and times along with names of witnesses and what the abuser was wearing, driving [including license plates]. Don’t change your phone number…if he calls and you recongnize the number, let it go to voicemail. Same too with unrecognized phone numbers. The biggest mistake make is to abruptly change phone numbers, the thing is if the abuser is dumb enough to leave messages, let him hang cause that will be your evidence to the police. Be sure to record the voicemail as it does erase after a few days, no matter how many times you save the message. Save texts messages too, reason is the same useful evidence. Also, contact your local police department and ask anonymously for advice on how to keep safe as well as what is needed to get a person to cease and desist if stalking you. They are very helpful. Be sure to change up routines and if you haven’t moved yet, make a plan to do so. Do not tell everyone your business. If you rent, advise the landlord/property management of what happened and get your locks changed if you haven’t done so already.
Stay strong and true. Many blessings.
I am looking for options. I dated a guy who I think may be a sociopath/narcissist. We met at work. I’ll give the coles notes version:
– we worked on same campaign together, seemed like a nice guy, but leery as he seemed like a skirt-chaser
– gave me the stare, which I thought was odd;
– we spoke got together had date, seemed amazing;
– after 4mths moved in together- I know strange, at the time seemed like we were in sync;
– took him 6mths to move everything in, told me all kinds of excuses;
– one year anniversary he said he placed dwn pmt on car; let him borrow $1100 from me
– major shift of attitude: cold, late nights, more excuses;
– did my investigation, found he had multiple relationships;
– contacted other woman [OW], we confronted him. OW kept him, I kicked his ass out
– had police officers oversee the move out, found out there was a bench warrant for his arrest for not paying child support [he owes $60K] – he did prison time for 58 days
– thank GOD I have the contract with his signature stating he owes the funds and pursued small claims court;
– he has breached the payment arrangements and has been driving around the neighbourhood in the very car he purchased with my money. His son and the son’s mother lives literally lives in the next apartment building beside mine, so even if he is starting to stalk he can justify by saying he is visiting his child. Throughout the relationship I had threatened to leave, guess this was his way to keep control if I should leave him. He was the one who found the apartment. Anywho…
I have been looking at the contract as leverage to force him to comply. Also, I have not contacted him since the last time I saw him which was at the prison to discuss settlement of what he owes and he refused the visit. That was 2months ago.
Are there any suggestions on how to get this money back? That’s all I care about. The OW can keep the problem douche. I have gone no contact [for me as it gave me clarity on what I am dealing with], but seeing him in the neighbourhood with the car is infuriating. I know he is doing this as punishment for dumping him, and I want to make sure he doesn’t cause further problems.
Any suggestions? More along the lines of how to engage if he tries to initiate contact, but really how to get back my funds…
I am unsure of the law in this area? Perhaps someone else could help? Can you go back to the court as he is in breach of the court and what the court has ruled? Am sorry I can’t be of more help. Perhaps someone else can help you?
Thanks positivagirl. I am also contacting the community legal aid in my area for more legal resources. Maybe then around interacting with him. When we were together, he was not physically abusive, but was emotionally, sexually, financially abusive towards me. I am hoping that he will go away, but looking at the geography, especially with his son in area – it is highly unlikely. Hopefully he will not contact me, but fear that he will try. The driving around in the car scene was just the beginning….I am in the process of looking into getting another job so to save money and move out. I do my laundry at different times. I change routine.
My new question is how to keep “cool” when I really want to tear his ass to pieces for all he’s done?
I would have to ask my self, if the amount of $ so significant I would have to look at his face again? D I really need this $ to survive? Because if the answer is no. I would was my hands call it a day. And move far far away so he may never find me!!! I wish you luck!!!
Thanks Normalisboringsoiheard. I have contemplated if the funds are really worth it? Part of me says yes and the other part says no. I’ll explain. The part of me that says “yes” is because it is my money & revenge [let’s be honest here]. The SOB never apologized and doesn’t even have a conscience. If he wanted it so bad, he better effing pay for it. Then there is the other part that says “no”: consider as a learning lesson. No I really don’t need it, I can make up the amount plus more every two weeks. I can think of it as having lend money to a broke ass, lying, cheating, piece a dung on a toilet seat charity.
The sad reality is that I will be seeing his face from time to time cause he will be in the area to visit his 18 year old son. Most likely he will bring the other woman and other supply around too. So whether or not I pursue this, I’ll still be seeing his ugly face, until I move [which I am in the plan of doing within the next 6-8 mths, I am still cleaning up some other financial shit he left me in as well]. I have to admit, the urge to make him pay is currently out weighing the wash my hands and leave option, simply because of the fact that he is so goddamn smug about this. But cooler heads will prevail…I just need to get my emotions in check at this time. The wound is still fresh…..
People with other obviously negative traits do tend to be smug, arrogant, etc. Just hate to see you stoop to his level (even if he deserves it). Let me know his first name; I’ll pray for the women and others around him to see him as he truly is and not be deceived—that’ll ruin his whole operation. :o)
Seriously, there are easier ways to make $1500 than jacking around with a sociopath. Too, it keeps you focused on them and angry at his abuse within yourself…and he is not worth further mindshare or energy. I’d recommend doing what you alluded to in the last sentence of the next to last para, about writing it off as an unrecoverable charitable debt. When it’s someone who has taken from me rather than something I’ve authorized, I have trouble viewing the person with respect from there on out. That should help you mentally write HIM off as well and move onto things that are more worthy of your time.
@ jusagirl and looking for suggestions, reason why I say this, I have spent several years in court fighting for kids, child support, attorneys fees, money he still owes me from all the bills I paid which were his in our marriage settlement. If I had know it was going to cost me this much money and continue with his “goal” to keep me in his life, I would of done what you suggested and chalked it up to a gamblers loss, or charitable donation! Excellent idea! Hmm I wonder if I can modify? Thank you! 😊👏! I have to deal with my ex all the time. 😝! He is on a constant mission to make my life hell. I would have to care for it to be effective.
I had told him the night the other woman and I confronted him about Karma. Lo and behold, it bit his ass 5 days later when he came to pick up his things. I know that karma is not through with him yet. And I also know people will see through his facade. He is already lost, in many ways. A sad life that he leads. Open up his closet and bones and shit fly out with the amount of carnage he’s left behind..
Thank you for sharing your situ too. I have been contemplating should I continue the legal route. The decision literally changes with my mood.The legal system is not as easy as it makes out to be in literature…..even if the evidence is in your favour. When it comes to kids though, he has to contribute. This mofo sounds like a piece of work. Keep up the fight, for your children’s futures.
As my $450 an hour attorney told me, “your children left you nailed, and hanging on the cross to be with a monster, who is going to be there to save their lying asses when they need you?”. No, unfortunately they have to learn about his horrible discard face, personally. I already tried to prevent them from seeing that face of “their father”, they were mesmerized by his seduction. It’s okay, grown women don’t see it coming. He feels like he won. He will tire of them, and the discard will come. I will be unnailed off the cross, someone else will need the wood. No fighting needed. Hopefully, he will just need rope, because usually, if you give someone enough they will hang themselves, with stupidity.
This may be taboo, but here is my 2 cents worth. For me, what also kept me in the relationship with my ex longer than it should be was the sex. I thought that it was the most mind blowing awesome sex ever. I mean, it was adventurous and stimulating and really the only connection I felt with him amongst the crazy making and lying and stealing in between. Then today, when I got up early, I got to thinking…was it really all that? I started going through my mind reconstructing the events and came to the conclusion that the relationship was as barren as the Sahara desert. I felt more alone with him than I did by myself. I felt like a caged bird. He knew that I liked to go out dancing and have a good time. And, this man made it a mission to make sure we didn’t do that and other things that made he happy. He like to steal my joy. Whenever we did have sex, I’d go through the motions thinking it was intense when really it was the pent up frustration of being in such a barren relationship. Here’s the comparison. If you were stuck on a barren desert for 1 month and someone happens to pass by and give you a glass of water even if it is contaminated with bacteria leading to malaria, cholera, and ecoli; when drinking that water, it’s gonna taste like the best damn mind blowing water ever. Even if its bad for you.
The day I reclaimed my sexual self was the most liberating experience. Weeks after dumping the ex, I was sharing with a male friend of mine what had happened. He was very supportive. He hadn’t dated anyone for a while and I just wanted to have sex. Sure, I was symbolically throwing my ex over a cliff, but that was just a very small part. I was reclaiming my sexual power back. I remember when I had worked 22hrs straight and my ex was hounding me for sex. I was resistant, but gave in when he said “if I have to fight you this hard I am never coming back again”, I gave in. Closer to the ending of this roller coaster ride I remember my ex telling on the last night we had sex “I know you don’t want to do this, but we HAVE too”. I gave in. My boundaries were fractured. Something that I am working on. Well, back to my male friend. We reserved a hotel room. There was always a sexual curiosity between us. We talked about it like mature adults, stated the perimeters, and consented. It eclipsed all the sexual encounters I ever had with my ex. It was so freeing and liberating to connect with someone who knows the deal and is straight with me. It was so good not to feel lied to and just enjoy the moment. We are still friends and will remain friends. We’re not dating, we just scratched and itch. Heck its one of Maslow’s law of basic human need. We needed it at the moment and did it. No regrets.
When you are ready, reclaim your sexual self. Determine the perimeters with the MATURE, CONSENTING, ADULT that you are comfortable with. Make sure that when you are engaging in it, you know that you are doing it for YOU. Putting YOUR needs as priority. And, enjoy your moment. I hope that experience for you alone eclipses all the ones you had with the abuser and empowers you. Hopefully, it will be a step forward in severing the dysfunctional connection with these narcs and others.
Oops, meant “scratched an itch”…figuratively saying we got it on. No STDs were transferred from the encounter…lol
Wow….I have been involved with a Sociopath for 4 years now…and we recently married and now have a 1 year old daughter. I read thru these posts and was it was like reading a biography of my life the last four years. Its so exhausting. Its like a roller coaster ride that never ends. The most recent episode has been almost unbearable. The lies and complete lack of remorse and empathy is completely beyond my understanding. When does the madness end…or is this the prison I am trapped in for the rest of my life?
It will end when you wish to end it, in your mind that is. His reaction will take a different and difficult turn. Because you have a child and are married to this man; you’ll need to take the extra steps to plan very carefully. First, seek legal counsel. Then save some money for you and your child. I would hesitate advising family and friends, unless you trust them with your life. For additional support contact employment assistance program or local women’s group that deals with abuse to give extra pointers. If you share a cell phone bill, then make calls on other phones like pay phone, friend’s place….search all you can about the person you are dealing with [mainly about sociopaths]. Strengthen and enforce your boundaries. If he is cheating on you, insist he wears condoms. Find out if he has any debts BEFORE the marriage and find out the true definition of community property within a marriage from legal counsel. That way you don’t get screwed for paying his shit prior to marriage. You don’t have to be trapped into this for the rest of your life. What you need is more information to make better decisions. If he is a sociopath, he will play on your emotions to control you, use your child against you, make things difficult. This is not to scare, its to realize that if you do decide to divorce him it will be an uphill battle. Choose your team well and keep guard. Realize you can not save him from himself, fix him, change him, transform him into something you want; because his actions are not about you its about him. We can only change what we acknowledge… We also must be willing to take the steps to effect that change…Sociopaths do not have the ability to admit and transform.
To: feels like a prison. It will take a long time but you will get over it, just hold on. we were just like you and the pain and suffering we went through was horrible from our neighbor, but when you get away from them, you will not believe how different your life will be. it took us about three years… We hope this helps and we wish you well….
I find it difficult to play their game, so I expose them, I know one is taking a chance with that, but in the end I won every time…and you also have the blessing to have disconnected with their sociopathic family members and associates who stick up for them…you know, birds of a feather..and if I didn’t win, I would rather live free and die hard than live in fear or be like them in any way, shape, or form…
I exposed my ex. He is driving around with the car my money purchased. I know maybe I should let it go, but can’t. Especially since he signed a contract. What are your strategies?
Have anyone been experiencing stalking from the sociopath? I have seen the ex driving up and down the street, sometimes 3-4 times while I am waiting for transit. Also, 2 times if I am walking from bus stop to home. My focus is on getting the license plate, when he took the car there were no license plates. Initial when the car was bought, he said that a “friend” at the dealers let him borrow plates. I don’t know much about cars, so I did not know if it was true or not at the time. Come to find out that the plates actually belonged to the other woman.
Another thing I had noticed closer to the end of the relationship was that he would come in quietly while I am showering and hoover around unbeknownst to me. Literally, I would think I was the only one at home—only for him to pop out and scare me. This one time it was really scary, I went to close the door in my bedroom as I had just gotten outta the shower and only had my towel on. Well when I went to close the door, he was standing there smiling. I giggled at the time, but the back of mind I kept thinking…creeper….
These actions turn u into this person that hurt u… very strongly advised not to act as the person that hurts u.. they win if u do cause the u that was is gone
I know what you are saying Sam. You are right. But sometimes you have no choice. Sometimes you have to stop it.
In my situation, it was hell, the threats, shouting and yelling outside of my home, my home was at risk, I could have been made homeless.
It had to stop. It did work.
Nice blog, yet no real answer about how to deal with a sociopath if you have children with them. That is the deal in my life, became a total mess, and in my case its a she (sorry, I saw that it was mostly “hes” in here). On top she is a sex offender, yet withholds our children from me, got married after 6days with another guy, the guy threatens me and so on and on. And two little children inbetween all this.
Not even a courtorder helps here since she just ignores it. (Got a court order for full custody of one of our children, with not even visitation for the mother, yet for the second child she refuses to sign the paternity acknowledgement and so it will go to court first just about that. In the meantime I would have to separate my children, like I said, its a mess. BUT I can assure you, if all this is over, and the kids are with me (knock knock knock), I will take your advice and live by it.
To me it is simply not understandable how someone can be like that, I wont mention the slander to everybody who was willing to listen to her etc etc, Yet if there are children involved???? I understand that almost everbody nowadays is to some level a narcissist or selfcentered, but that here is beyond comprehension to me. I asked other people who know me closer if I am nuts for thinking that way, to find an excuse for her behavior, well….most sociopaths have one very specific quality men like and I do not want to go into this, yet it is worth mentioning since I asked myself what went wrong here.
Just want to give you all a heads up, we have to deal with it, we have to be strong, if not for ourselves, then for our kids and when we got the necessary distance, then we can go on with the advice the initial poster gave here. Just with the lying to them I do not agree, I have a prob with lying and liars and will not become one just because I have to deal with one.
Hi laap I did write a post about co parenting with a male sociopath. It is not easy as they use the child to manipulate and ccontrol you. To summise advise is. 1. Don’t tell them your personal Iinformation 2. Treat as a business transaction (don’t display any emotion) 3. Only have communications regarding children. Nothing else. 3. Keep accurate records 4. Use legal proceedings if necessary. 5. Don’t get caught up in the game with them. Set strict boundaries and enforce them. If you do a search you will find the page.
Loved this! I wish i had the personality/strength of character to do this. I don’t, so my only option is NCEA.
Hi Jill, and welcome.
It isn’t really advisable, as it keeps the game going. but if the sociopath is determined and is playing the game anyway, showing up at your house, shouting and yelling. Threatening to call work. The only way is to stop it. It does take strength and makes you as bad as them. But sometimes that is the only way – as they operate controlling you through fear. Standing up to them shows that you do not have fear, and they cannot control you anymore.
Its not for everyone though and it will only delay things. I didn’t have anything else left – so I had no choice at the time.
Love the post and looking forward to reading more. I have realized that sociopaths react negatively to statements and pull out your insecurities to hurt you with their tongue. I don’t have time for a pissing match with him anyways.
What gets them to run- and fast- is a lot of questions. Psychologically, the human brain can’t ignore a question, whether they choose to answer or not. One sign of a sociopath is that they have the desire to not respond which is an anti-social trait.
For example, this one disappeared for a year and called me. I responded with, “Why are you calling?” No response. He’ll never say, “To use you and leave at time of my choice.” Then I followed up with releasing his secrets, but you have to do it in such a way where they run. “What are you doing out of jail? Why would I talk to you after I found out what you did to that girl? Why do you keep calling? Do you consider this type of behavior normal?” Things like that.
In the past I would’ve just screamed, “You’re a sociopath, leave me alone!” but they like to see you suffer. It helps that now that I’m not in denial about the situation and I have self-esteem that obviously wasn’t there before, that I genuinely want to rid myself of the beast.
I used to fear he wouldn’t come back. He waited too long which was his demise (it took me that long to see what was really going on); and thank The Lord. Now I fear he will come back. But God will take care of me.
Great comment welcome to the site 🙂
You’re very welcome! My site is about learned lessons of sorts and my reply to you has inspired my next blog tonight at midnight. Thank you!
You know lifeinthebeachhouse,
I would have agreed with you on this one. But it is not the case in my situation. The ex called. First to advise me that my manager had passed away, as we used to work at the same place. He owes me money and knows that I am on his ass for this as I had won the judgement via courts. However, he is now saying that he loves me and misses me and blah, blah, blah. I have asked him things like “do you think your behaviour is normal?”; even fwd txts to him that the other woman sent to me – that he sent to her. I even said that I am starting a new relationship. This guy just hangs on. Keeps calling and texting. Hoovering to the nth degree. Each are different and have no shame. I mean this guy is apologizing, trying to seduce, saying “i love you”. He even did this on the other woman’s birthday. Of which I expressed my disgust and promptly informed him that I am not desparate or insecure so for him to try his lines on another girl. There is no turning back for me regarding him. I want nothing more to do with him. I am even considering having him keep the funds and just change my number without warning as I know what I will get if I get involved with him. Just more empty promises and a larger bill for bad experience. I would much rather avoid this. So even when you hold it up to them that you never cried and felt like crawling under a rock, but laughed your ass of at how they can try to pull one over on you, they will still try to keep you in their drama.
BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THIS WORKS. WE DID IT YOU HAVE TO ACT OUT EVERY LIE HE SAYS ABOUT YOU. MAKE THINK YOU ARE EVERYTHING HE SAYS YOU ARE. IT WORKS… YOU MAY LOSE SOME FRIENDS OVER THIS AND FEEL VERY LONELY BUT YOU WILL BE IN CONTROL OVER THEM. HE STILL DOES THINGS BUT NOW HE IS SO FRUSTRATED BECAUSE NOBODY EVEN CARES ANY MORE WHAT HE IS DOING BECAUSE NOW THEY DON’T KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE. KEEP MAKING UP TONS OF LIES ABOUT WHAT HE DOING TO YOU. LET HIM FIND OUT ONE STORY AND THEN YOU TELL ANOTHER. IT WORKS! TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK. THEY ARE JUST VERY JEALOUS PEOPLE WHO WANT FULL POWER OVER EVERYBODY AND HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR HUMANS
Thank you Rita. It does work, as I have done this. It is tiring, exhausting even – but then being with them is tiring and exhausting anyway. I found it enlightening too as you realise just how very little they think of you when lying to you.
Thank You positivagirl for your comment… I hope we can help anybody we can who has been through this… you go through so much mental suffering. and I hope everybody who is going through this gets through all the suffering and pain… we wish you all well..
I love your post and understanding. I love you good attitude. I was a victime of sociopath at age of 33, when I was in grief. Now I have 40 and I did not manage to have a relationship after him. I know all the rules, but I could not manage to help myself. Somethimes he contacts me just to suck on my blood and to be sure that he has a power over me. Dont underesimate the socipats.
Thank you natasa, I think you can be with them, as long as you do not expect change. Things will never improve and they will always be the same 😦 And likely turn your world upside down 😦
Looks like my socio is starting his smear campaign against me…3 months after we split up and I established no contact. I can’t tell you how sick with worry I am and I am a paranoid wreck. I just don’t think I can deal with this anymore.
Hi Sammy, hang in there this is the worst thing to go through. Do a search (top left hand) for smear campaigns. I wrote a few articles on it.
Thanks. It’s just the not knowing and the thought of what he can and will do. It’s horrible. Should I contact his other exes??
Hmm, his other exes? I did speak to my socio’s exes and it was enlightening to see that he was repeating the behaviour with me.
The answer to that really depends what his relationship is like with them? Is he still in contact with them?
Remember that he thrives on fear. So give him no emotions, as this is what he will get off on. I know this fear is real, and can paralyse you. Or at least it did me at the time.
He still keeps tabs on a few of them and still hassles one as she is close by. I’m sure if I asked her not to say to him she would, but then again I couldn’t say 100% positive. I just want, need to know what he is capable of. I see him every. Single. Day! It is sooo tiring trying to show no emotion and keeping up this act when I physically shake when I see him. I just want this to end. I am so so tired of it.
If they have no contact, and she thinks negatively of him, then likely no harm can come of it. This was my experience.
She still speaks to him as they have a child together but I know she absolutey hates him. It would just prepare me in a way if I knew what kind of thing he has done to her. He’s now dragged my ex into it aswell to try and get to me through that way
Go careful, if they have a child together… as they still have contact with each other. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slated you to her, to try to make her feel more ‘special’ they do that to the mother of their child (not always successfully) so if you are going to do it, make sure that you do it in the right way, otherwise this could later be used against you too.He might make you out to be the bitter ex who cannot get over him or let go…. hopefully she would know better, but you never know.
Och who cares if he says that really…she knows his previous ex, I know they used to speak after they had both broken up with him so maybe it’s the way to go?
I found it liberating and healing personally. Its not advised to contact their new partner as he would learn of it. They might possibly be able to support you. Whatever, it should reinforce that it is not you – its him. he would hate that too, that you are speaking to his exes. I personally found it liberating.
That is exactly my way of thinking. Thank you x
“Additionally, you will see, by doing this to him, how little respect he had for you, and how he never at any time felt for your needs, or your welfare, it was all about him, and what he could gain from you.”
I couldn’t agree with you more on this sentence.
i literally just went through my own experience with someone who obviously suffers from severe aspd. he is the textbook typical womanizing leach who can’t speak a word of truth or lay in one bed or stay sober. played his way in with charm for free room and board and use of my car while he lived a completely double life of drugs theft sex and who knows what. i had my suspicions early on, thanks to my own interest and research of personality disorders, and i tested it out. i’d lie about things id like or my opinions on things, and he would instantly claim he likes it too or agree with me. later i’d reverse it, and he would reverse it as well. i told him it drove me crazy when people left lights on so he started doing it all the time. then i started doing it all the time. he quit doing it. he literally started becoming empty, no mask to wear, he didn’t know what to do or say to fit in anymore. fortunately for me he thought i was dumb and he was invincible. i proved both those theories wrong, and easily considering how careless he was. got in touch with his other girlfriend who he conned into giving him her credit card, while trying to tell me it was a good friend and business sponsor. when i was out of town working, i came home and looked through his receipts and found out he was many states south in my car while i was many states north working. so on and so forth. cyber stalked him and proved all his stories are lies, and best of all discovered all the warrants out for him. so naturally he lined up his next victim while trying to at least keep a nice loving mask on for me because he knew i was catching on… or as he told me, he ran to the store to get juice but family called because his stepdad had a heart attack and then his phone died as he rushed to the hospital. i called his family, i called the hospital, and i told him i did. i ruined his game by revealing it with proof. thats when it started getting scary. demented threatening comments towards me masked as jokes, references to poisoning me and then i notice i started feeling ill, knives found in the dresser… and never once did i let it show i was in fear. instead i show up at home early out of work and wake him up, tell him to pack up and leave. he asks why, i refuse to tell him… all i say is “i know”. and as i sit there smiling and confident playing on the computer as he packs, i can tell he is crumbling. he asks me if i am going to talk to him later, and i laugh in his face. he leaves his stuff here to have an excuse to contact me later, i take it to his home and throw it in his yard. then his other girlfriend texts him to let him know everything he bought with her credit card is now mine to donate to charity. and when he shows up with the cops claiming my things are his, i charm the cop, and inform him of the warrants and tell the cop the whole story right there in front of him. i now know too much, he knows too little, but he thinks i can find out anything about him and he knows i’m on to his game and i have dirt on him. needless to say he has left me alone 😉 so in response to this advise… YES it works !!!
Thank you for this Jes!!
Yes it really does work, its tiring to do though, but also liberating. I don’t really tell lies as I am quite honest. I found it really odd lying to him – just mirroring him and telling him often the opposite of what was true. And for a while, I had a taste of what it felt like to be him. I realised that when he was lying to me, he didn’t give a damn about me, or my feelings. It drove him nuts when he couldn’t control me anymore.
It is tiring, exhausting – but it is about the only thing that works. go you… but keep strong, as if he saw a sign of weakness he might try to take revenge.
The thing is that they bank on your honesty, so find it confusing when you are being the same as them…. maybe holding a mirror up to their own behaviour so they can see how it feels… is exactly what is needed.
They really are dangerous. I patted mine down once before letting him in the house after I contacted his ex-wife. He didn’t know what was going on. I threw away any food he ever brought me from outside and I’ve been sick from his cooking too.
You just don’t think someone who claims to love you will do this to you, but when you realize this is possible, you start to see who they really are. I believe they are capable of anything. I’d look around the house for hidden cameras, tracking software on phones, all of it, if anyone has been with a sociopath.
Actually, when you reduce it down to what it’s about (them and their well-being over all else), it’s pretty disgusting that they’ll do all this for a car, a place to sleep, etc.
and my tip for anyone who is struggling by feeling attached to someone they know is a sociopath, remember that what you love is a lie, the person you think they are is a mask and a costume, and it is intentionally designed to appeal to you. so the question to ask is… what is to love and what is to lose if its all an illusion and a lie designed to ruin your life for their pleasure and gain? who you struggle to escape from isn’t a real person. i got out of it and haven’t shed one tear. my feelings aren’t hurt. because i didn’t lose anybody and there is no one to miss. you can’t be attached to something that you discover isn’t really there.
Oh and another test I used a lot is using sarcasm and/or irony when speaking to him. I haven’t seen that mentioned yet so thought I’d throw that out there, although you mentioned contradicting yourself which has the same effect for the same reason. sociopaths mirror you, they are chameleons, so when you use sarcasm it baffles them. He has to stop and with this dumb look on his face trying to figure it out, and ask if that was supposed to me a joke, and then inform me he doesn’t get sarcasm. I’d say something in a playful and joking manner poking fun at him, and heif he didn’t stop to ponder over it for a few moments to figure out it might be humor he would get angry. no matter how often I pointed out that obviously I was kidding based on my tone of voice and he should know how I speak and I would never actually say anything that ridiculous if I were actually upset, he just never got it. And it frustrated him to no end. Now I know its because he was calculating me to gain knowledge of me to use for control and any sort of irony set him back and threw him off his track.
Your website has been great to read through. I recently went back to the sociopath ex knowing what he was and my reason for doing it was reciporication. He would not leave me alone and I knew what he was so I saw this as a welcome invitation to give him back what he gave me. I used his car and slept with a new lover in it. Lied to him about everything, especially the stupid things that I found it hard to lie about with a straight face. The seal of the whole deal was copying his whole journal which his dumb ass decided to scan on a flash drive and it had a lot of information that could get him into trouble with his family. I threatened to send the whole journal to his little sister then I told him how much fun it was to f#ck my lover in his car;) he was pissed and he will never contact me again…i hope. It made me force myself into a spot that I k ow I will never contact him. Thank goodness!
One thing….. he will know that you are no pushover, and he might suspect that you are a sociopath yourself, and could do damage to him. Hopefully he will now leave you alone as he will have no idea what you will do next. Sociopaths can only control predictable behaviour (which is why they try to make people predictable) when you behave like them, they don’t expect you to lie, they don’t expect you to do that kind of behaviour…. it is the only thing that does work, sometimes.
This post is so bang on. I realized my ex bf was a narcissistic sociopath and I called him on it. I already had him move out. He has done time in prison and is a hardened criminal. Insert here. WTF was I thinking? He caught me at a time in my life where I was about to leave an unhappy marriage and I was abusing cocaine. Another “Wtf was I thinking?” point in my life.
We lived together for 2 months.. lease in my name and I told him to get out. He tried to control, brainwash me, alienate me from my family and only for a very short period of time did I feel like I was losing my mind until I googled emotional abuse. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I could feel like I was losing myself and my identity. The once nice compliments and gestures were replaced with constant gaslighting, control and silent treatments once lasting 5 days. He moved out but I still missed him and we went back and forth for 5 months which was really only a sexual relationship. He was completely boring and acted like an old man outside the sack. He was always right and everyone else was wrong. My brother who moved in with me after he also left a narc bitch hated him and saw right through him which is why the ex bf couldnt’ stand my brother. The last time my brother saw him at my place, they went out for a smoke. My brother said to him “Can you fly?” He said if I catch you treating my sister the way you did, you will learn how to fly. He said nothing and came inside and asked if my brother just threatened him. lol.
This past March, I had sex with him one last time and told him right after I didn’t love him anymore and to get out. Hehe. I knew at this time what to do to push his buttons. He never laid a hand on me but he was emotionally abusive but whatever he gave me, I gave it right back. I rarely took his bullshit which is why he had no problem moving out. He knew he couldnt’ control me. One day I texted because I owed him money for the furniture that he paid for in the apartment and I was going to give it back to him because there was no way in hell he was going to hold that over my head. He claimed to have gotten into a fight with his roomate and that the police were called. I texted him back a few hours later to see what was up. He said “Why the fuck do you keep texting me?” I just said to him that he’s a fucking loser, blah, blah, blah and then out of nowhere he said he had been dating my brother’s ex for a while. My brother always suspected this. He wanted to get an emotional response out of me and I said “Well, my brother always thought you two would be perfect together and I agree. Have a nice life.”
He did not like that answer. Insults were traded back and forth. I was insulted to the ground but each time I had really good comebacks. Then he tried to threaten me with certain proof of me doign drugs supposedly and wanted to out me to my landlord and that he would ruin my reputation. Hahah. Well, this is where you turn it around on a narcissist. Remember they keep tabs on people and use info to blackmail but I had some good info on him that could land him in jail and I terrified the crap out of him. he thought he had the power. He does not have a driver’s license and got into an accident one day and drove away from the scene of the accident. No one was injured but still doesn’t justify what he didn. He thinks because the guy was talking on his cell phone and hit his truck that he had the right to drive away.
I have text proofs of this and recorded the phonecall when it happened. I scared the hell out of him so bad that he was saying to me “Can we just part peacefuly?” I said verbatim “You stay the hell away from me and if you do anything, I will fuck your life over so good you will never see the ouside of a cell again!” So fuck off! I have not heard a peep since and it’s almost been 3 months. I also made a slight remark that I also have other info on him related to that accident. I read somewhere that narcissists get paranoid if you have info on them that they don’t know about or have no control over. Make remarks in passing about this or that related to something they have done that would look bad on them and they will back down.
It took me a while but now i’m feeling the anger which is why I’m posting this. I want revenge but the best revenge is to ignore a narcisisist. They can’t stand to be ignored. The hardest thing was to separate the person I thought he was with the real evil person that he truly is. SO many times I went back and forth with this and missed him many times but at the end of the day, I knew he was better off gone. But now I see it so clearly. I knew he was bad for me but those good times kept me holding on until he crossed soooo many boundaries that a person with even the little bit of respect for themselves could not overlook, forgive or forget.
I’m proud to say I’m 63 days clean but for the first month I slept with a switchblade under my pillow even tho my brother lives with me. I am not scared of him but rather I am scared of what I would do to him if he ever broke into my apartment. He once asked “Are you scared of me?”. I told him “No, because I am crazy like you are if not crazier. If you were to ever lay a hand on me, you’d be 6 feet under.” I used to be the type of woman to say if a guy ever physically abused me that would be it but what I overlooked back then was that emotional abuse is the same, if not worse.
I don’t believe he was in an intense relationship with my ex sister in law. They probably had sex a couple of times but this was a game to try and get back at my brother and I and they are using each other for whatever. I’m sure they do drugs togethes but ironically I was the big cokehead because that was not THEIR drug of choice. See the superior attituide here even when it comes to drugs? She is another narc who I had info on and threatened her too. They are both terrified of my brother and I . She has kept his kids from my brother because they know too much. SHe is an unfit mother and he served her papers to go to court. She smokes weed all day and has 3 kids, brings strange men to live her and one guy gave her sleeping pills and tried to sexually assault her. CPS has been called but they do nothing. They just keep an eye on her. My brother wants full custody as his children have told him that their mother physically abuses them and he has it on tape. This tape I used against her. I also have a copy of it whuch will be presented in court. She ran for the hills but their day is coming. Karma is a bitch and they will lose. They are both going to family court in July.
I don’t know if my ex narc is gone but he will not contact me because he is afraid my brother and if my brother were to see him one day, I’d hate to see what would happen but he is more mature than that because all he wants to do is see his kids and he won’t do anything to screw that up. I believe my ex narc is afraid of me because i’ve turned the tables on him. One phonecall to the police to say he is driving without a license and he is screwed. He does not want to lose his freedom or his ugly ass truck. This is is where karma steps in. He will get caught one day. Narcs are arrogant and it is arrogance that does them in. They provide their own rope to hang themselves.
If my narc were to see me in the street, I’d walk by him as if he never exisisted. I know this would piss him off. I can no longer hate him. I haven’t forgiven him but I do pity him. Why? Because everyday he lives in a state of misery. I may have had my bumps and turns along the way but I have a soul and a kind heart which is why he chose me in the first place . He tried to make me ashamed of my good qualities and even insulted me and the city I’m from but he resents me for having these good qualities. I actually was ashamed of my good qualities because I felt he had robbed me of them but they are coming back and so is the person I once knew. If you are in a bad place with a narc right now just know that each day gets better but they have to be gone out of your life. Do whatever it takes. Move, change your number.
Each day gets better for me now and my self esteem is coming back. All of this caused me to suffer from adrenal fatigue and I know the drugs didn’t help either. I’m 63 days clean and intend on staying that way. I’m glad he is gone. There are days I get lonely and sometimes sentimental where he is concerned but it’s not for him. It is for the man I loved but someone who NEVER existed.
I forgot to mention if you ever want to trip up a know it all narc when they are explaining something to you, cooly respond back saying “It’s interesting that you say that.” This comment confuses them and you aren’t outtright arguing with them so this will leave them somewhat speehless. lol. I do this to my narc mother ( biggest reason my brother and I got involved with narcs) and I walk away from the convo. They don’t know what to say. It’s a total mindf***k for last of better words. lol.
🙂 I like that Maggie
I agree with telling narcs lies once you discover what they are all about. I knew early on and told a lie to him about what I hadn’t written him for a month in prison. I said something happend with my sister who was overseas and I had gone there. And then purposely told my sister in law that I lied to him. WHy? Because when he was released from prison, my brother was nice enough to let him stay there for a month my brother $400 to rent out his basement.
I had a feeling that the ex narc and my bitch ex sister in law narc were talking. She stayed home during the day and even tho he had a job right upon release ( his old boss rehired him after he got out from doing 16 months for parole violation). I had a sneaking suspicion that they were talking here and there. I was right and they stayed in contact the entire time even when he was living with me. This is why she stopped letting my brother see his kids. They know too much and would reveal that they were seeing each other.
So anyways, they say when you tell something to someone, it usually comes back full circle. And boy did it ever! I knew I lied to him but at that point I didn’t care. I saw him for what he was.. a con. He mentioned in passing one time that he knew that me going overseas about a situation with my sister was all a lie. Bam! I knew he was talking to her. I got my revenge on him when I slept with him for the last time and told him I’m no longer in love with him. I didn’t say I no longer “love him” because the “not in love” part hurts a narc’s ego even more. That night he slammed the front door so hard, I thought I was going to get a noise complaint from neighbors. Mission accomplished to piss off a narc.
At that point, I was getting really clever after reading daily on narc blogs like this and message boards devoted to victims of narcissists. I knew I was on my way out with him ( my choice) but made sure I had fun with a sociopath first. I learned NOT to be afraid of him because they are really just little tiny creatures who never grew up. They have the mentaility of a 6-12 year old.
Tell lies, keep them guessing, act the way they do and they don’t know what you will do next. All part of the game. Once you know how to play the game ( even tho it’s tiring to literally think of every next move you’re going to make… almost like a real life chess game), it swill be easier to predict their behaviour and the outcome. Don’t ever back down. Taht’s what they want is control. The important thing is to discover what they truly are. That is the most empowering thing about all this. Once you realize that, you have the choice and control over yourself to leave. I never thought i’d be in an abusive relationship but the way narcs abuse is slow and unassuming until you feel like you’re going crazy. This is when you have to take the steps and get out.