The one question that you might ask yourself, is just how did this happen? How could you have been so stupid. Sometimes this thought is compounded by others who could clearly see what was happening and tried to warn you. Being in love, you wanted to believe the lie, it was more painful than the truth. Perhaps you shut out those people who did care, and tried to warn you.
The biggest pain in healing and recovery is learning to forgive yourself. The aftermath of dating a sociopath can also change your perception about you, and who you are. If you are an intelligent professional (and I know that a lot read this site), you can raise questions in your mind – ‘are you as smart as you thought you were?’ It is, after all embarrassing. There is a sense of shame, and also of guilt that you allowed this to happen to you.
These thoughts can cause intense pain
- Others judgement of you (that the sociopath will use to intensify your pain)
- Your losses
- Your foolishness at believing a liar
- If you are a professional – how did you not see this, when you are trained to detect it?
- Did you deserve this? Is this all that you are worth?
There are three senses of self
- The image that you have of yourself
- The image that others have of you
- Who you really truly are
The sociopath focuses on the gap, the grey areas that exist between those three. Obviously you cannot be all three (or perhaps some people are). But usually people think either more of themselves than they are (ego), or less of themselves than they really are (low self esteem). For some people others opinions of them are important. This is particularly true for those people who are in jobs that are held highly in regard.
The sociopath focuses on this ‘gap’ between who you think you are – and who you really are. They know already who you really are. They check with others – what they think about you. Sociopaths focus on the gap and grey areas
- The difference between who you think you are and who you really are
- The difference between how you think others perceive you, and how you are really preceived
The sociopath manipulates those gaps in perception to manipulate and abuse you. They manipulate the grey areas. Examples would be
- Massaging your ego (telling you how great you look)
- Saying how popular you are
- Saying that you are a hot catch and very desirable
- Being in awe of you intelligence
- Being the perfect man/woman
What the sociopath is doing is a very deliberate manipulative tool that is pre-planned by information that you have already given, gained, or stolen from you. The sociopath is the ultimate predator.
Next time that you are punishing yourself, asking ‘why was I so stupid‘ think of this in a different way. It is not that you were stupid, it is that the sociopath is very experienced at being manipulative, deceptive and hiding who they really are.
By focusing on manipulating the gap between the three senses of self
- Who you really are
- Who you think you are
- How others see you (and how you perceive that others see you)
The sociopath is easily able to plug the gap within you. To find the missing piece that will make you feel great and amazing.
This is what causes the addiction. This is what causes the loss and the huge pain once the relationship has ended.
It is, in its simplest form, the ultimate con – the illusion. As real as the emperors new clothes. It was never that you allowed this to happen to you. You didn’t give permission for this to happen. it was that you were manipulated, conned and deceived.
Forgive yourself. What has happened is NOT your fault. Neither is it a reflection of you. But what it will offer is the opportunity to get to know yourself better. The ability to be able to focus on you and to trust yourself.
Love yourself, forgive yourself – your worth it 🙂
Words @ datingasociopath.com