76 thoughts on “Why hurt yourself?”

  1. Oh…this is fantastic! I really wish I could get this to sink in for one of my best friends. Even when you “get it” it’s still not easy to accomplish, but at least it’s a step closer to freedom.

    1. Tell her about the shoes Blue and explain it in that way. I worked for decades with homeless people. I always used visual language. it will help people to remember.

      8 years ago I had said to someone who was starting a new job and he was nervous he said he wanted to go back to his old company – I told him that starting a new job is like wearing a new pair of shoes, difficult at first but once you have worn them in, you feel more comfortable.

      I spoke to him again 2 days ago and asked how he was, how was work. He replied he was starting a new job. I said how is it ….. he said oh you know I am just wearing new shoes for now…. but I will wear them in πŸ™‚

      1. hi pos
        i liked the “shoe” metaphor! you have a very sweet endearing way in which you impart your little (and big) nuggets of support and advice! i think you deserve another thanks for it so…………..THANKS!

      2. Thank you daisy – I like the shoe analogy I think its easy for people to remember. As it’s what we wear on our feet in this crazy road of life. We need shoes… but sometimes no shoes are better than ill fitting ones!! πŸ™‚

      3. Very true about the visual language. It’s great that you have been able to help so many and are continuing your efforts to both heal and be healed through your blog.

      4. Hey Pos!! Another great analogy (SHOES) lol when we take off them uncomfortable ones we can all visit the site SHOEDAZZLE and get rhe pair that we deserve.

  2. I am so glad I stood up and said no more I’m too good for you. I still think of him daily and he stole apiece of my heart but honestly he is and was no good for me. I didn’t say that to him personally but I played his game and started lying right back. I’m not a good liar but I pulled it off I’m glad I did. Because he is the loser not me. Unfortunately people can tell you but until you realize it and come to the light you only see and believe what you allow yourself to. These sites have helped me tremendously, I’m thankful for you making us aware! And I read and reread your info daily in case I missed something the first time. I’m on day 30 of NC! I did 30..so I can do 60, 90 and so on. It hasn’t been easy but I’m worth more and deserve better! I just have to tell myself that and truly believe it because I do :-))

    1. Yes, if you can do 30, you can do 60, 90 and so on……I reward myself, after a month of no contact I got myself a nice new coat. When 2 months are up, I’ll go to Brugge for a weekend. Three months, I don’t know yet……..suggestions anyone?

  3. I’m walking barefoot and I love how it feels…no more pain!
    Today is Halloween, congratulations to all the wise women who learned that the broom is not only to sweep, but to dance and to fly.To those who do flavors alchemy on a kitchen. To those who recognize the magic behind a truthful smile. To all the ones who learn to see the truth nature of the cardboard prince and turned them in what they really are, a frog.
    Fly high sisters!

    1. πŸ™‚ congratulations on walking barefoot…. it feels good and free huh? Keep walking without those shoes and the blisters start to heal…. you start to heal….. one day you will be ready for a new pair of shoes. But you will have memory of the ill fitting pair of shoes and how much they hurt. So you might be reluctant to put them on.

      Hopefully you will think carefully about those shoes, making sure that they are a comfortable fit. After all you want them to last a very long journey with you. You want to be able to wear those shoes, to dance in those shoes, to explore in those shoes… and for them not to hurt you.

      After you have walked bearfoot for a while… you will know that this is all that you truly deserve! πŸ™‚

      1. I now know that I deserve the best shoes to support me and protect me all the way.
        I wish for all of you the best shoes!
        Thanks for your wisdom words, it means a lot.

  4. It’s so true. I came to this site months ago and I’ve learned so much but at first I thought I could play his game as if I was somehow I could win, I was wrong. It still hurt and I only added fuel to the fire and made the situation worse. Like I shared before something clicked in my head to accept what he was and what I had gone through, forget about ever getting any answers or an explanation and I removed all of my emotions when dealing with him. I did this months ago and my life has changed do much. I feel alive again and I don’t lose days hurting and thinking about him or missing him. I didn’t cut him out completely but when he texts me i don’t let him get to me, he claims he is homeless, oh well. No food to eat, too bad get a job, blames me for his situation, whatever, I know it’s not my fault. I haven’t heard from him in about a week but I know any day ill get a random text at 3am, ill hear the notification and choose to ignore it until I get up later that morning. It took me awhile to cut him off emotionally and it was well worth it because for almost two years I was in such a sad lonely place at times it felt like death was the only solution to end the pain. But like I said something clicked in my head and I chose to take my life back. This is what’s working for me…right now. I know everyone’s situation is different and we are all wired differently and will choose to let go and heal in different ways, the only thing we share is when we decide you have had enough of the emotional draining that is taking place. I had in enough in August. I keep my mind busy doing many projects and I am so happy that that I only think of him when I want to think of him which is rare. He has retaliated , he posted an ad on a website with my address and free sex toys, I had people show up at 7am until about 9 am. The First Lady who showed up was nice enough to tell me where to find it. I had to contact google and they removed it from their cached web searches. It was scary but I didn’t give him what he wanted and in a way I feel I won. I guess my point is stay strong and choose to take your life back however you do it.

    1. This is great news to read!! πŸ™‚ Well done you for breaking the emotional connection. I think once that is broken you are in a sense free as they cannot manipulate and control you anymore. It is done. You sound incredibly brave to have to deal with the sex toys incident. What a nut job the things that they do (just one thing) is incredible but they do a whole stream of incredible amazing things that just leave you open mouthed with amazement. Worse is that often they get away with it as well. So good to hear that you are in a better space…. its really good to hear. Thank you!!

    2. I think a lot of us know exactly that feeling of “anyway now I’ll get a random text”, or phone call, or whatever the SP’s pattern is. Congratulations on not taking the bait with his latest underhanded scheme. That is a huge victory.

  5. Hi Pos πŸ™‚

    I think sometimes people are holding on to something because, it’s better than nothing at all 😦
    That old adage, ‘no pain,no gain’, really is dumb…I think a Soc made that one up?
    The saddest part is that you only break your own heart in the end & your heart deserves better πŸ™‚
    I knew my Soc wasn’t really ‘MY ONE’ but, I thought having a man in my life was better than being alone but, I now realise I was living half a life before but, now I am alone & living a whole life πŸ™‚
    Life’s to short to do it in halves….glass half empty,half full but, you must have the glass in the first place πŸ™‚
    I’m a whole glass full usually & if it’s half empty it’s because I drank the other half myself πŸ™‚ LOL

    1. Your too cheerful to be half with someone who weighs you down. You are better off where you can be free and radiate sunshine! Without restriction from someone who is controlling you…. I bet you have a lot of energy now. It is a great feeling huh? πŸ™‚

      1. πŸ™‚ Sure is & my life just keeps getting better but, it’s because I am better πŸ™‚
        If you think positive, it does radiate out & all my relationships are thriving.
        My Soc liked my sparkle so, I will not let my experience with him dull it ever again πŸ™‚

        I hope you are having a good night & am thinking of you & sending love & light πŸ™‚

        PR xoxo

    2. I think also with sociopaths is that they tell you enough what a great relationship you are in, that even if it is crap or terrible you wonder…. they love to repeat to you just how lucky you are to have them in your life. Yet oddly enough when they leave your life…. its peaceful πŸ™‚ I remember thinking well at least my head doesn’t hurt anymore. When he shouted my head vibrated.

      1. I am sorry he yelled at you ever 😦
        My Soc never did that & told me how wonderful I was all the time, probably that’s why when the OW blew me out of the water I was so devastated & then the full whammy dawned on me.
        Still here we are & I cannot imagine having come this far without you πŸ™‚
        That’s a positive & we were meant to meet so, BONUS I’d say πŸ™‚
        Lost a Soc,, gained a support group…think I’m the winner don’t you πŸ™‚

        xoxo

      2. Yes I think so too. He didn’t yell too much. Only when he was losing (or feared) losing control and the mask came off and I saw the narc rage. And that was scary.

      3. You know it’s weird that I never saw the rage but, I did see the ghoul when he was intimate, he never closed his eyes & would watch me with a maniacal scary look…I would squeeze my eyes tight so, I didn’t see the grotesque face….I also used to hear this in my head “Something wicked this way comes” over & over….haven’t heard it since he left…that’s weird isn’t it πŸ˜‰ it was in novel I never read!

        Here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia & it just knocked me off my chair!

        Something Wicked This Way Comes can be interpreted as an allegory of the struggle between good and evil, with the human characters Will, Jim, and Charles on the side of morality, and Mr. Dark and his carnival on the side of sin and temptation. As in many other fictional works revolving around the same concept, good prevails in the end, not with supernatural or physical powers, but with purity of heart. Jim represents good that is always on the verge of giving into temptation, while Will, though he has crises and doubts, is the part of us that resists giving in.

      4. You know it’s weird but, my Soc said I deserved better & that he would make it up to me???
        Then he was say, see I’d told you I’d let you make it up to ME!!!
        He was so full of his own BS that I would say, “yes I do deserve better so, go ahead & make it up to me”….he would then do something really nice & reward me…what a donkey donk he was πŸ™‚
        Last Xmas I said “please don’t give me perfume again unless it’s one I like, I’d rather have none”….So he went out & brought my favorite & he wasn’t happy & left the receipt in for me to see how generous he was :)….still I do like that perfume & he even gave me a nice wallet MIMCO & actually mathed my bag!..
        I must have been a valuable possession because, even the OW said he gave her stuff she didn’t like LOL…she got a Roayl Doulton Lady Bahahah & crappy perfume…hopefully I taught him something?
        The OW said she wouldn’t be cutting his ingrown toenail either so, I bet that gives him grief πŸ˜‰ he has to cut his own….gee I hope an infection doesn’t travel up to his willy…OOPS…I know but, it would be funny πŸ˜‰

      5. Yes me too, i know what u mean, I relate to that. Mine constantly talked, shouted at me in angry self righteous indignation, my head hurt, pounded too.he thought he was right. i’m glad i have peace & quiet now, happy πŸ™‚ 8 wks no contact.

    3. Hi PR
      Me too, 8wks no contact & i enjoying my own company more now, today is melb cup day. I reading books from Love Fraud.com to learn more about how to avoid sociopaths, knowledge is power etc. I thinking of studying psychology at tafe, for interest. Yes glass is half full! my ex spath was so negative & self righteous, in comparison. More power to us & postiva girl. Love & Light to all, keep up no contact, makes us stronger xxx

      1. She hated the statue & told me if he really knew her he would realise that but, obviously doesn’t put any thought into what he gives! She actually told me that in person & now I know what the figurine represented, it was a trophy for his new trophy….he really wanted to keep her because, she is very valuable, money…millions, title & connected to the race horse industry…big here in Melbourne & a great social network.
        She was also the one who forgives infidelity as she told me her ex was unfaithful & that she would still have him back! I think she has PTSD as she was devastated by the end of her marrige
        So infidelity no matter to what extent is not a deal breaker for her so, she is the perfect target really!

      2. I don’t think the end of a marriage can cause ptsd? It’s a seriously disabling condition caused when your life is at risk. You are trapped can’t escape and think you are going to die. At that point you are so terrified that you can neither flight or fight so you go into trauma/shock. Ptsd is quite a serious condition caused by a horrific terrifying event.

      3. YES, I know as I experienced it myself 😦
        The OW told me what she had been like when her ex left her, depressed & immobilized & fearful of ever getting over it but, then along came you know who ;(
        Her gut told her it wasn’t right, she said this 😦
        When I met her she was all teary & shaky & shocked & hypertensive (I wasn’t by then) & she was dazed like a deer in the head lights, not at all what I expected….
        In actual fact on reflection it was like meeting myself 10 years earlier when my ex husband just up & left with my friend & our employee….
        That’s why I think OW chooses to stay, she can’t fight or flee…I was suicidal once after my ex walked out on me two weeks before our wedding & I ended up in hospital…I went ahead with the marriage knowing I was extremely traumatized but, was so embarrassed & ashamed so, I just drifted through for 19 years.
        He left me 3 times before I married him & always I took him back & then left 3 times during our 19 years so, I never had the guts to stand alone :(….I realise why now but, it’s taken all this for me to ‘get it’….My ex was a Narcissist? Really selfish & destructive but, I was so used to dysfunction in my life thought that my love alone would fix him!
        This is what this whole process has been about for me, seeing the patterns & recognizing my own self worth or lack thereof….I am finally coming into my life & not standing outside of myself watching it happen πŸ™‚
        It’s hard to put a lifetime down in a short piece but, that’s just a little bit really….

      4. Hmmm, I nearly died due to a massive anaphylactic reaction & left my body temporarily…not sure if you would call it a “out of body’ or just the body’s way of coping with extreme shock, it happened not long after I lost my beloved Grandmother & my dog also, so I was a bit of a mess & had to have therapy. I was 20 & was put in intensive care & awoke to see the young man beside me pass over after a horrific car accident…I also lost a friend in a car accident just before that so, was scared to move….if fact, I broke out in a rash every time I got anxious so, I eventually overcame it with the help of my Doctor πŸ™‚
        I was told then I had extreme stress, back then they didn’t call it PTSD? My gestalt therapist told me it sounded like it & then I went onto have other trauma’s because, I hadn’t ever dealt properly with all my grief.

      5. Pos, I was sexually abused by my uncle from the age of 3 & about 12 years ago had a really bad accident, shattered my shoulder & took 9 months to rehabilitate & back in my mid 20’s fell & hit my head & lost about half my bodies blood supply as I hit a major artery & nearly bled to death!
        I’m like a cat with nine lives…thank god I’m a LEO πŸ™‚

      1. Wow! Phoenix & POSgirl, I feel like a fly on the wall today reading the banter between you two, all for my own personal insights of course! But your story Phoenix, is remarkable, and a testament to what a strong will you posses. You do know this, right? I bet you wouldn’t have thought this about yourself so many years ago after all your young life had endured!
        I just appreciate being able to read such a story as yours, not to mention POSgirls! You are both so wonderful and inspirational to all of us on here who are trying to make sense of our shattered relations! My nut-job guy is back in my life after a harrowing last couple of weeks. Pray for me to stay strong and if I stumble, may it be brief and show strength! BREATH

  6. No Contact is the only way to go…I have children with my ex n, but I refuse to talk to him, I use my attorney or the Guardian through the courts, I wont talk to him, it would just end up being abusive and wouldn’t help me heal or move on…these men are toxic, evil, and malicious, and I am not a sadist…

    1. I agree, no contact is crucial. I now after 6 weeks have been contacted by email from my SP wife. It feels great not replying! I also keep with me a list of her negative characteristics. Just in case I get happy memories….

  7. I am on day 120, and it gets easier over time. I remember the 1st 15 days, I felt free, but sometimes subconsciously missed the friendship. From day 15 to about day 100, I would vacillate between anger and thinking about the purportedly good times we had, although fake, but at the same time, all the feelings became less intense. After day 100, I visualized what my life would have been, had I kept the contact. In other words, my life would be in the sewer, and everything I lost would at most, be viewed through a glass pane. Maybe I would succumb to suicide, because I could not be one of those lonely middle aged to old aged people with nothing to look back on, but regrets after my ex socio put me out. It gets easier, just think about how your health is compromised by a sociopath. My mental health has markedly improved, but sometimes I find it hard to show affection.

    1. I think the struggling to show affection (at least for me it is) comes from having your love and kindness abused. The sociopath saw it as a weakness and abused it. So it is hard to show that (perceived) weakness again in case it is abused.

      1. Dear pos girl, This site has helped me and I like to offer any help to others who have and are going through similar situations. It has been about 2 months ago when I located this site and it has been a boon for my healing process. As of now, 120 plus days of no contact, I find it is tough to be a loving and affectionate person. My wife is a beautiful person who forgave me regarding my 2 year interaction with the sociopath, because prior to my socio interaction, my marriage was all but gone making me a ripe target for a socio. Thanks for your advice about why it is hard to regain your ability to show affection. Maybe someday I will be able to truly love again.

      2. I think it is because they manipulate the primary emotions of love and fear that you shut down your emotions. It’s a self preservation.

        Also in your case you might be feeling a lot of guilt too. For pain that your wife has gone through. Have you thought about couples counselling (with your wife?)

      3. Couples counseling has been a consideration for both of us (my wife) We communicate more now after my horrid experience. My wife’s father has many sociopathic traits, and was a big factor in alienating my wife and I.
        One thing my wife told me when she went to her attorney about a year ago, was that my ex path has a substantial rap sheet. One thing I never did, was admit to my ex path at the time, was that I knew about any drug or neglect charges filed against her. In my gut I knew, I that playing stupid was the smartest thing I did. Thank you for the advice and I admire this site.

    2. Ha! Love your moniker Shamedepechemode, I see we are all in good-music company slash the “superior generation”, LOL whatever that means. No, I just wanted to congratulate you too for your no-nonsense approach to no-contact. Bizarre, but I had the same feelings of peace all last week when he went off on his own Caribbean cruise, all the while I was with my beloved mom on her deathbed and since in attendance of all that goes with the final preparations and grieving. I told him when he returned this past weekend and called me from the docks that he was back and I ignored his call because I had/do have LOTS on my mind, that this sudden trip was outrageous and he was a total ASS for keeping it secret right up till when he was leaving. Didn’t talk again till he sent me a sweet letter and ecard about mom yesterday. She affected him too- a mighty lovely woman who I know he will miss as well. Was I wrong to thank him for his sentiments and allow him to apologise? I gave him his requested hug last night and he attended me and some friends trekking the neighborhood for our cute kid’s treats. He ate, I escorted him out ( actually it was like a Woody Allen movie of me balking at what to say/ not say!). So uncomfortable, but I just said thanks for his words, the flowers he brought, his sentiments about mom. GOD And he’s texted me twice today ( I haven’t read the last two). He thinks he deserves, after all is toxicity, to be given a pass I am sure. He misses my physical contact no doubt, too. I don’t. HOW can I make love to someone who can hurt me so at whim? And HOW do I tell him that he would have to move a mountain before I’d ever consider being anything like what we were before? I know I am just a big wuss, and any contact- text or no, is BAD.
      God help me to remain detached like you have done. I must- he’s not going to ever change his evil ways or thinking. And I, like you, am a wonderful older hippie dude that says life is a beautiful thing with me in “it”. The old saying? “Love grows, plant some”…So why is this guy a herbicide? LOL

      1. Hi Edaldude,
        so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost mine when i was 16 and the pain is still strong. There is no one as special as your mum.
        Everyone is different, and you need to deal with your ex soc in your own way, but right now, while you are particularly vulnerable, please please think 10 times before you break no contact again. He is in this for himself.
        Look after you.
        Peace

      2. Sorry I did not respond to you sooner because I was vacillating between joy and pining for the feigned friendship with my female ex soc. In a way, I feel isolated, in my job and in life. The aforementioned feelings that I am experiencing, are the direct result from my recollection of my long weekend at her house exactly a year ago. In fact, I took 3 days off around a weekend to make the 8 hour drive worthwhile. The feigned relationship was at it’s peak then, but there were cues that I bypassed at the same time which were indicative of her trying to achieve some grander goal, like enabling me to become more detached from my wife and child so she can convince me to give her what she perceived would benefit her financially and emotionally.
        She reveled in the fact that I was a nice and helpful person that was particularly helpful towards her special needs daughter who she used and neglected.
        But to make a long story short, you cannot wear your heart on your sleeve with this guy, and you have to let go physically because it will take time to regroup from that. From then on, it will take time to let go mentally. There are times when I slip back into a depression because I feel like my ex path female sucked all my ability to love and show affection. Someday I want to revisit the places with my family where I previously spent with my ex path in order expunge earlier memories and recreate newer memories.
        It is over day 120 for me and it gets hard at times, but I have no intention on contacting her, but I admit she still resides in my head, but with less intensity.
        . Your soc, like my ex soc has an angle and it is hard to let go of any type of familiarity, including a perceived love with a soc. It is sad to here about your mother, but you do not need that mess with a man who will eventually use you and spit you out, if my predictions are accurate. You have a great heart and seem like a giving person who does not deserve that negative influence. It is hard to let go and emotions will vacillate between joy and longing, but in the end you will feel you made the right choice. Please do NC, although, it will prove to be an extreme challenge.
        . The holidays are approaching and one year ago my ex path was integrally part of my life, and I paid no attention to friends, cues, strangers etc. At present, I feel that no one understands what a sociopath can do, and I internalize feelings and have flashbacks. In other words, you can’t just move on from point a to b without encountering some form of emotional trials. The best to you, write me any time.

      3. Thanks for your inputs and esp. thanks to shamedepechemode for your insights. Yeah, I know what you are saying about the tides of emotions, one moment fine, the next in flashback mode. It’s not so hard this time, with the loss so fresh of momma! I changed her flower’s from her memorial a week ago today ( her fav. Stargazer lily). I still think more about HER then that jerk. Okay, I have to be honest and, surprisingly it fits with this discussion thread. I actually did try to respond to his outrageous and guilt-tripped inspired text that day and get this- the text FAILED. I took it as a sign the Universe did not want me to send it. Okay good so far, but then- even then, I ignored his phone calls. “KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK”- “TAP TAP TAP”. He was down at my door step and looked right up at me through the glass door ( I have GOT to get some curtains ). I let him in, with a scowl on my face. We talked, I pleaded at his insane self, he agreed. He pleaded with me, I argued. I just tell him he can’t do this to me anymore. Not worth it. He ends up staying and me, detached, makes love to him rapidly and disconnectedly, for the last time. He left with me asking him to lock the door on the way out. He called a couple hours later and I answered in a tone of “you really need to get this through your skull- it’s over.” I heard this tone in his voice that sounded like even he realises the jig is up. No rational person could do what he has done and think any breathing adult would want to keep it going. No one. Now I wonder if he even knew to do this trip so that I would let him go! But no, he loves drama, so he probably pushed it too far, even for a guy that has endured so much from his evil, nasty ways. I tells him that there is way too much animosity between us to ever get over.
        Understatement of the Year.

        So, not like I am going to know from the day like all you seem to keep track of, but I will always know in my heart he went down on the ship that week ( I told him this zinger too, because it’s true) and the marker of mom’s death. And I am relieved in so many ways. It’s beautiful this time of year, tons of rain, gloomy but at least not hot like it was for so long and I have had felt good about that! Along with mom’s death, my two old cats disappearing this summer, shit my whole life being disintegrated in front of my blooming eyes, I cannot deny that it’s less stressful! Crazy times, and yet, I can hear my beloved mom saying “That’s the thing about life, it’s always achanging”! I want to go on this journey, but the one writer on here has me thinking to take a yoga class in the meantime at the very least. Do y’all know how great yoga is at making you feel better?!!
        Peace to everyone-

      4. Yoga or meditation are excellent outlets. To get my beta brainwaves in motion, I attempt several physics problems and find pleasure in how they connect with all types of natural phenomena. Holidays are tough for me in general notwithstanding my previous sociopathic experience, but I also enjoy what I have and know that no contact was and will always be the best course of action. Best wishes, again sorry for the loss of your mom.
        As an aside, I try to listen to the Grateful Dead, but it sometimes proves to be hard because my ex soc listened to them in order to become an instant fan, when she was in reality a hip hop nation person. She also tried Radiohead because of me, but she really liked gangsta rap and eminem, acting like she was a 25 year old punk at 54. BTW, I really cannot tolerate rap now.

      5. Audio recordings are also good. Like a diary. You can hear yourself. And in a sense ‘have a word’ with yourself!!…. It does work too…. as it is like hearing someone else.

    3. @shamedepechemode
      I am thinking it is about time for me to go this way. I appreciate the “what to expect” perspective you shared as your progressed through the stages.

      1. Jusagurl…it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. I’m on day 31…I come to these sites to keep me from texting him, plus keeping busy. You can do it. Plus I agree, shamedepechemode laid it out as what to expect!! You have to start somewhere…you can do it!!!

      2. There’s a silly but effective way to deal with the desire to break “no contact”. Write a text message of what you want to tell him and send it to yourself. And then task yourself “what he will answer to this?”
        Writing it, helps to deal with the anxiety of contact him. Reading it gives your time to think, and answering yourself what his real answer will be, will convince you to remain strong with the “no contact”

      3. Email is sometimes better as the danger with texts is if you are subconsciously writing it to them it can ‘accidently’ send!! Eeek I did that so many times!! πŸ™‚

  8. Hi Positivagirl,

    thank you so much for this blog and for sharing your experiences.
    And thanks so much for all the comments telling all of the stories that make it clear once again that these people are totally predictable in the end.

    Its been a year since my sociopath left me with our five weeks old baby. I got very ill shortly after he left and had to stay in the hospital with our son for several weeks throughout the last year. You will not be surprised to hear that of course he came back. He is a compulsive liar and will lie to you in so obvious outrageous ways that it gives me a headache just to think about it. I often caught him in his lies and he made me believe that I was just a crazy histerical jealous bitch and he had no choice and just had to leave us. Everytime he came back he put it like he was forgiving me once again and giving me another chance. After two weeks he always started staying away, not taking calls and of course lying, lying and lying.

    In this whole year he never visited me in the hospital once. Three weeks ago I was in the hospital and needed him to pick us up and he said he would. We waited four hours then he called he couldn’t come because he didn’t have money. He went on and on about how sorry he was and how he felt like shit for not even being able to pick us up from the hospital. He told me I deserved better than this. A week later when we celebrated our sons first birthday I discovered an invoice. On the day he couldn’t pick us up from the hospital he obviously went out to a restaurant and paid with his debit card and even invited someone. All the while telling me he loved and that we were his live.

    I was dumbstruck and this was the moment finally everything became clear. I finally realised what a great actor he was and that he would always continue to lie to me and would never be there for us and that he didn’t even feel bad about it. Confronted with this lie at first he said the bill wasn’t his and when he realised that i could proove it it was of course my fault.

    This was two weeks ago and since then we almost have no contact. He doesn’t seem to want to see his son although he texts me that he is his live and bla bla.

    I am so incredibly sad and devastated I don’t understand why he would do this to me I always helped him and have always been there. We were so looking forward to being a family. Now I am here with our child and he is somewhere else, having fun not thinking about us and not even missing us. I cry when I wake up and when I go to sleep I don’t know what to do anymore and I have no one to talk.

    Sorry for my English I am from Germany.

    1. Hi now, welcome to the site!! (Your English is better than my German!!)

      It must be so painful to wake up to the truth when you have a child with him. In his mind he can come back when he wants you have a child together. He thinks all he has to do is spin a line to you and he is back. As you know they are so full of lies. They lie when telling the truth would be easier.

      I am sorry you are hurting.

    2. Don’t torture yourself that he is out having fun. He is merely acting elsewhere and seeking attention. He will be back he just got caught out. The question is do you want him back?

    3. This reminds me of the birth of my son, but his father wasn’t a sociopath. Even so, we were still better off without his presence, and so are you—even though I know it doesn’t feel like that. You thought you would have a partner through this to help. But if the “partner” is a negative, selfish influence, it is better he be off and gone. Trust me, what you don’t want is for your child to become a piece of currency where you worry every minute the child is absent from you with this person.

      Take care of yourself. In your mind, begin to write him off as a dangerous impact to the health and safety of your innocent child. I know this sounds impossible. If you can honestly tell a friend or family member how much need you are in right now for emotional and practical support, it would be good for you to have someone.

      I’ll tell you one other thing a good, supportive friend told me when I was going through this: if you can’t do all this by yourself, you need to figure out help, even if you have to pay for it. Where I lived, I could order groceries and didn’t have to take the crying baby out and go through all that frustration. A friend would watch him some so I could sleep. Give yourself a break wherever you can, sleep when the baby does, etc. The housekeeping can wait longer than usual. Do not expect your soc to ever pick up these responsibilities. You just learned who he REALLY is the hard way. The faster you come to terms with that, the better.

      Believe me when I say I feel for you. It is so disheartening the moment you learn what you are really dealing with and it wasn’t what you were hoping for in any way. He isn’t important. Baby is. You are too, and not just because baby needs you—take care of yourself and you and little one will be fine.

  9. Thank you so much for your nice responds Positivagirl and Jusagurl!

    I am ashamed to admit that a part of me still wants him back. Its been a year since he left and through all of my illness he was never there for me or for our son. I wonder why he came back when he knows that I am seriously ill and that he will hurt me again. I feel so stupid that I took it as a sign of love that he came back to me instead of starting a new relationship.

    Right now I feel like I am going crazy. Thousands of situations come to my mind and I finally understand what was going on. I even guess he took every chance to cheat on me while I was pregnant. I screamed at him so often and cried hysterically when I discovered his lies and when his actions showed clearly that he had no feelings for me. After that I always felt crazy and guilty.

    We also had good times together and even times when we felt like a familiy. It hurts me so much that he doesnt even miss us. That we mean nothing to him. That he lives perfectly well without us. I can’t help but think about what he does. That he is maybe sleeping next to someone else. Holding someone else. When a few weeks ago he showed so much tenderness and affection towards me, he seemed so happy to be with his family. We wanted to do counseling, we even had an appointment. There was this spirit of hope this we love each other and we will do everything to make it. But of course we did not go to the appointment because I am wrong and crazy and noone could ever be happy with me.

    All the moments he lied to me and got mad at me when I found out, all the women who were “just friends” I wasn’t allowed to ask about … Now it all makes sense.

    I don’t no what to do with myself anymore I feel like I am loosing my mind

    1. You are not losing your mind, you are regaining it. Welcome aboard! The truth is hard, sometimes we think that it’s better to remain on the fantasy of their lies(it seems that it will hurt less), but with the truth comes clarity and peace. Stop the cycle, get down of his carrousel of deception and make a serious decision for yourself and for your child to get free of his influence. Raising your kid without a sociopath at his side is the best legacy you will give to your child, this is the only way you will give him a real family.
      You are special, you are strong, you don’t need him to make you complete.

  10. Can anyone help me to understand why on emotional level i still want him back?
    Am i nuts?
    Did i lost my senses?

    Why after so many lies so much hurt after loosing myself
    i want contact?
    Why do i want something death?
    Why wish to be abused again?

    I don,t understand this part and don,t know how its possible that
    these feelings don,t go away
    while my mind screams” noooooo” big NOOOO, there is only hurt he gives me!”

    Is there any explanation for this?
    Hopefully understanding how this proces works can help me
    bann him 100% out of my system.

    Big respect for everyone here
    Love ES.

    1. Hi Es πŸ˜ƒ

      Its addiction & also cognitive dissonance where your brain is trying to process the facts against the fiction. Oddly enough, you will want to be with him because it is far more the outcome you desire than the alternative of not seeing or being with him. You want him to be the person you desire but, deep down you know he’s not. Your the eternal optimist & are hoping he will change for you. Unfortunately he is what he is & will never be the man you deserve.
      Its hard but, if you stay NC eventually his hold on you will lessen.
      Its normal to not understand but, time & support & healing does set you free.
      Save yourself more heartache as each memory will take you deeper down & you must focus less on ‘if only’ & focus on ‘what is’ & you deserve better.
      If he truly loved you, you would never have found yourself here, remember that.

      Be brave & strong πŸ˜ƒ
      PR xoxo

  11. hi Pheonix Rising

    Thank you so much for you reply.
    I,ve done some research online what cognitive dissonance means
    and i am happy to read and learn about it.
    I understand now, it is a psychological process.
    In this case dealing with deep dissapointment and hurt.

    Yes, it is so against my rational thinking.
    I don,t think he is pretty or looking good.
    And knowing that on the inside he is eighter not the man i like…
    does make me wonder…
    What is going on in me, that i still want this man?!

    I start to see more and more it is not only emotional abuse
    ,but a lot of pshycological abuse too.

    I wonder if he is fully aware of what he does or is just an unaware monster..

    It IS TRUE,
    if he loved me he never would have done this to me, and i never
    had to feel like this.

    SELFLOVE and HEALING and STRENGTH and TIME
    will make us strong.
    And feeling alive and being our true self again.

    i hope once i can be ready again for a healthy loving relatio
    cause i deserve so much better than what happened to me.
    And we all do.

    Thank you so much Pheonix rising

    ES

    1. ES, I understand you. I still love my Pinocchio, I cant deny it, but I have learned on the hard way that sometimes it’s necessary to give up, because as PR said what we love is not what we deserve. …And yes..you will find that you can live without him on your life…give it time, give it patience, control yourself, everything will be better.

  12. I,m not sure if i can call it love..
    It feels more like anger that a person have been treating me like that without compassion or respect.
    And thats more why it makes it so hard to let go, while
    it should make it even more easyer to let it go and say this is totally not good for me..

    Its good to know PR and no more insanity that you understand me.
    and i think it belongs to the proces we go through after being with a sociopath sad enough
    tnx and blessings ES

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