This post is about a few emails that I have received recently asking about future relationships. Three requests in two days. One who wanted to go into a relationship, but had fear. One who had met someone and again had fear, and this email that I received today.
This is the email
I’ve just looked at your online blog and I wanted to thank you for making the web page. I have found it really helpful and found it a real relief to know that there are other people out there that have dated a sociopath. I was wondering though if I may be able to talk to you about something? I understand you are probably very busy, but it’s just that I’ve tried being in a relationship with someone else who really loves me, and I think I love them too…We’ve been together for six months, but I just constantly feel fucked up because of the emotional abuse I had from the sociopath/narcissist that I was seeing, who I was really in love with. Now I’ve broken up with the new person I was with because I’m really confused about how I feel and feel broken and empty inside. I also constantly pine for my “emotional abuser” and feel addicted to him. But the new great person I was with really loves me and has let me take a break to work stuff out for myself. Could you please tell me, how does a person that’s been emotionally abused by a sociopath usually act in new relationships? I’m just really confused and I really want to understand. Please point me to some web links or articles about those things if you possibly can. Thank you so much for reading and I hope that you can help me, or at least point me in the right direction of where I might be able to get help or reading material about this. Thanks so much again
I have had similar questions by email over the last few days. When something re-occur’s I usually listen that perhaps I should write about it.
How sociopaths use primary emotions to exploit and how this can affect you in future relationships
Sociopaths exploit your primary emotions to abuse. They often target people who are ‘looking for love’ or seeking something else in their life. A sociopath is very good at analysing and filling the gap between what someone says they are, and who the sociopath assesses they are. The sociopath fills in this gap.
For someone who has came out of an abusive relationship, there is a considerable gap. You have a memory of who you used to be. Naturally this is the person that you want to get back to. So this is the image that you project to your new partner. The sociopath see’s that you are not this person who you project yourself to be, and so ceases this opportunity to abuse you. In a way for the sociopath it is easy prey. The sociopath will say things to you to massage your ego, if you are an older person, or had put on weight, but you recall that you used to be really attractive or really athletic. This might be an issue for you. The sociopath would compliment you in the areas that you feel insecure about. This leads you into the false illusion that you have met your perfect match. Despite your flaws the sociopath loves you anyway. It is a good feeling.
Love and fear
What has happened in the previous paragraph is the sociopath moving through the stages of assessment and seduction. By now you are ‘in love’ and the future looks very bright. You wouldn’t have realised that from the very beginning you were an actor in the sociopaths game. You think that you are in a ‘normal’ ‘perfect’ relationship. You could have thought (if you believed in this) that you had met your soul mate. The person that you would spend the rest of your life with, who you would marry.
The sociopath will then spend the rest of the relationship using
- (faked) love to manipulate you
- Fear to control you
The outcome of abusing these primary emotions is that you are (without knowledge) being controlled by the sociopath. You wouldn’t have knowledge of this, especially not in the early stages, it feels deliriously amazing. This is what causes the addiction and dependency.
You are being offered what you have always wanted. It feels like a drug, and can create a high. It is this that you long for, that you long for the fix of. This is why you long to break no contact after the relationship is over.
What happens when you are in a new relationship?
This really depends how much work you have put into yourself before entering a new relationship. Also, If you knew the person before and how long you had known that person (how much investment into you they have already done).
If you go into a new relationship without putting the effort into yourself, without healing yourself first and expecting the new relationship to heal you, it is likely to fail. Happiness comes from within. Nobody else can make you happy.
If you have spent time working on yourself. You feel happy and healed and don’t particularly NEED to be in a relationship, you can take it or leave it, you are in a better position than if you go rushing in, hoping that a relationship will make you feel better or get over heartache.
Remember that you have been abused!
As the sociopath is the master of illusion and plays constant mind games, you are being abused. In one of the worst ways possible. You are being abused with mind control. This will affect you.
You might find that you compare your new partner to your socio ex. Thoughts such as these could run through your head
1. They mirror perfection and be who we want
2. The highs with them are very high and very exciting – which can make a normal relationship seem dull
3. Sociopaths are prolific liars and can tell you all that you want to hear – normal people don’t do that
4. It can be difficult to compete with the (Illusion) of perfection
5. Sex with a sociopath can be very intense and feel amazing, normal sex can feel dull in comparison
6. As sociopaths mirror so effectively – and make wild false empty promises for the future (and they sell this as so real) like it is real – it can be difficult to let go of this promise for the future
7. Sociopaths create addiction and dependency. They do this as they are in constant contact with you (keeping tabs) are always in your life and are very intense you become addicted to this attention. Normal people because they are not manipulating and controlling you – are not there like that all the way through…. and this can feel another sense of loss.
This is why you probably are having thoughts of your ex 6 months later and are feeling unsettled. Also there is a silence of the sociopath after the addiction and dependency that they create. So, as the high was so good in the beginning you long for that high again.
Also, and perhaps more importantly because the sociopath abuses through love and fear, it can be difficult to find that balance in a new relationship. You need to have some element of fear to protect yourself. But also you need to allow the other person to love you.
But what does love and fear look like to you now? You might fear being hurt again. You might fear letting go, as you have a memory of what happened the last time you let go. Someone used love to abuse you. So how do you know that love is real?
How does someone who is ‘normal’ match up to the illusion of perfection and addiction that the sociopath creates? The constant attention and flattery. The helpful person. How do you know if when you are with someone new if they are being genuine and real or whether it is fake and yet another game?
The answer is…. You don’t. You have to take the risk,, to let down your wall of fear and allow love to come in. Taking the risk that you might get hurt again.
I wrote earlier about shoes…. it is like this. Being in a relationship with the sociopath is like wearing an pair of shoes that are two sizes two small, but keeping them on just for the relief that you feel when you take them off periodically. When you establish No contact it is like walking barefoot…. being single you are free…. you can dance, explore. You remember those tight fitting shoes that didn’t fit you and how they hurt you. How they restricted you in life and all that you wanted to do. How you struggled to walk in those shoes. Whilst you might be keen for a new pair of shoes, you don’t want another pair that hurts like the last pair that you had. Walking barefoot feels just find thank you. But you realise that you cannot walk barefoot forever. Its just not practical. You feet need support, and you want to feel comfortable and know that your shoes will protect you. So…. you have to take the risk and hope that your new pair of shoes are not two sizes too small… and that they won’t hurt your feet. After having ill fitting shoes you want to make sure that the next pair are JUST RIGHT…. nothing else will do….
Let go of fear!
To move on, to be with someone else you need three things
- To be healed from the last relationship (or you will carry your baggage and your tight fitting shoes with you)
- To let go of fear to allow love in. To not have such a wall of protection that you cannot let love back into your life
- To be with the RIGHT person
The final point is a good one. Just because your new partner is a NICE person, who is kind loving and caring. It doesn’t make that person the RIGHT person for you. You might be a person who is an adventurous person at heart who needs someone with a lot of energy. This might be who you are, and who you are compatible with. Just because a new pair of shoes feel comfortable it doesn’t mean that they are suitable for all events in your life. Sometimes just ‘comfortable is not enough’.
If you feel like this, it might just be that – the person is nice – it feels comfortable – but it is not the right person for you?
If you feel that it is the right person… but it is you and damage from the past that is the problem, seek help through a counsellor or therapist so that you can work through issues from the past. Going to a therapist is not anything to be ashamed about, it just helps you to move on, so that the ‘stuck record’ that repeats due to past abuse can be healed.
The law of attraction and power of the mind
I write a few blogs. One I haven’t written for a while. I guess that many of you would know that besides my interest in psychology dating and relationships, I am also very spiritual. I believe a lot of things – one of those is about the power of the mind and the law of attraction. You are what you think and you attract into your life what you think. So if you think negative – or you think ‘this will go wrong’ it likely will.
I don’t know how many of you have watched the film ‘The Secret’ I haven’t watched it, but someone had told me about it and how it talked about things that I believe in. So I looked up to see if I could find the full movie online – Unfortunately i couldn’t find the full film, but here is a part of the film, that I think should help. It explains why what you think can attract more of that back towards you… so THINK POSITIVE. You DO deserve to be happy and you DO deserve to be in a happy fulfilling relationship if this is what you want. Stop with the negative thinking (as much as you can) …. or you will attract more negativity into your life. If you can watch this film it is really recommended!