Trusting to be with a new partner after being deceived by a sociopath!

fear and love

This post is about a few emails that I have received recently asking about future relationships. Three requests in two days. One who wanted to go into a relationship, but had fear. One who had met someone and again had fear, and this email that I received today.

This is the email

 I’ve just looked at your online blog and I wanted to thank you for making the web page. I have found it really helpful and found it a real relief to know that there are other people out there that have dated a sociopath. I was wondering though if I may be able to talk to you about something? I understand you are probably very busy, but it’s just that I’ve tried being in a relationship with someone else who really loves me, and I think I love them too…We’ve been together for six months, but I just constantly feel fucked up because of the emotional abuse I had from the sociopath/narcissist that I was seeing, who I was really in love with. Now I’ve broken up with the new person I was with because I’m really confused about how I feel and feel broken and empty inside. I also constantly pine for my “emotional abuser” and feel addicted to him. But the new great person I was with really loves me and has let me take a break to work stuff out for myself. Could you please tell me, how does a person that’s been emotionally abused by a sociopath usually act in new relationships? I’m just really confused and I really want to understand. Please point me to some web links or articles about those things if you possibly can. Thank you so much for reading and I hope that you can help me, or at least point me in the right direction of where I might be able to get help or reading material about this. Thanks so much again

I have had similar questions by email over the last few days. When something re-occur’s I usually listen that perhaps I should write about it.

How sociopaths use primary emotions to exploit and how this can affect you in future relationships

Sociopaths exploit your primary emotions to abuse. They often target people who are ‘looking for love’ or seeking something else in their life. A sociopath is very good at analysing and filling the gap between what someone says they are, and who the  sociopath assesses they are. The sociopath fills in this gap.

For someone who has came out of an abusive relationship, there is a considerable gap. You have a memory of who you used to be. Naturally this is the person that you want to get back to. So this is the image that you project to your new partner. The sociopath see’s that you are not this person who you project yourself to be, and so ceases this opportunity to abuse you. In a way for the sociopath it is easy prey. The sociopath will say things to you to massage your ego, if you are an older person, or had put on weight, but you recall that you used to be really attractive or really athletic. This might be an issue for you. The sociopath would compliment you in the areas that you feel insecure about. This leads you into the false illusion that you have met your perfect match. Despite your flaws the sociopath loves you anyway. It is a good feeling.

Love and fear

What has happened in the previous paragraph is the sociopath moving through the stages of assessment and seduction. By now you are ‘in love’ and the future looks very bright. You wouldn’t have realised that from the very beginning you were an actor in the sociopaths game. You think that you are in a ‘normal’ ‘perfect’ relationship. You could have thought (if you believed in this) that you had met your soul mate. The person that you would spend the rest of your life with, who you would marry.

The sociopath will then spend the rest of the relationship using

  • (faked) love to manipulate you
  • Fear to control you

The outcome of abusing these primary emotions is that you are (without knowledge) being controlled by the sociopath. You wouldn’t have knowledge of this, especially not in the early stages, it feels deliriously amazing. This is what causes the addiction and dependency.

You are being offered what you have always wanted. It feels like a drug, and can create a high. It is this that you long for, that you long for the fix of. This is why you long to break no contact after the relationship is over.

What happens when you are in a new relationship?

This really depends how much work you have put into yourself before entering a new relationship. Also, If you knew the person before and how long you had known that person (how much investment into you they have already done).

If you go into a new relationship without putting the effort into yourself, without healing yourself first and expecting the new relationship to heal you, it is likely to fail. Happiness comes from within. Nobody else can make you happy.

If you have spent time working on yourself. You feel happy and healed and don’t particularly NEED to be in a relationship, you can take it or leave it, you are in a better position than if you go rushing in, hoping that a relationship will make you feel better or get over heartache.

Remember that you have been abused!

As the sociopath is the master of illusion and plays constant mind games, you are being abused. In one of the worst ways possible. You are being abused with mind control. This will affect you.

You might find that you compare your new partner to your socio ex. Thoughts such as these could run through your head

1. They mirror perfection and be who we want

2. The highs with them are very high and very exciting – which can make a normal relationship seem dull

3. Sociopaths are prolific liars and can tell you all that you want to hear – normal people don’t do that
4. It can be difficult to compete with the (Illusion) of perfection
5. Sex with a sociopath can be very intense and feel amazing, normal sex can feel dull in comparison
6. As sociopaths mirror so effectively – and make wild false empty promises for the future (and they sell this as so real) like it is real – it can be difficult to let go of this promise for the future
7. Sociopaths create addiction and dependency. They do this as they are in constant contact with you (keeping tabs) are always in your life and are very intense you become addicted to this attention. Normal people because they are not manipulating and controlling you – are not there like that all the way through…. and this can feel another sense of loss.

This is why you probably are having thoughts of your ex 6 months later and are feeling unsettled. Also there is a silence of the sociopath after the addiction and dependency that they create. So, as the high was so good in the beginning you long for that high again.

Also, and perhaps more importantly because the sociopath abuses through love and fear, it can be difficult to find that balance in a new relationship. You need to have some element of fear to protect yourself. But also you need to allow the other person to love you.

But what does love and fear look like to you now? You might fear being hurt again. You might fear letting go, as you have a memory of what happened the last time you let go. Someone used love to abuse you. So how do you know that love is real?

How does someone who is ‘normal’ match up to the illusion of perfection and addiction that the sociopath creates? The constant attention and flattery. The helpful person. How do you know if when you are with someone new if they are being genuine and real or whether it is fake and yet another game?

The answer is…. You don’t. You have to take the risk,, to let down your wall of fear and allow love to come in. Taking the risk that you might get hurt again.

I wrote earlier about shoes…. it is like this. Being in a relationship with the sociopath is like wearing an pair of shoes that are two sizes two small, but keeping them on just for the relief that you feel when you take them off periodically. When you establish No contact it is like walking barefoot…. being single you are free…. you can dance, explore. You remember those tight fitting shoes that didn’t fit you and how they hurt you. How they restricted you in life and all that you wanted to do. How you struggled to walk in those shoes. Whilst you might be keen for a new pair of shoes, you don’t want another pair that hurts like the last pair that you had. Walking barefoot feels just find thank you. But you realise that you cannot walk barefoot forever. Its just not practical. You feet need support, and you want to feel comfortable and know that your shoes will protect you. So…. you have to take the risk and hope that your new pair of shoes are not two sizes too small… and that they won’t hurt your feet. After having ill fitting shoes you want to make sure that the next pair are JUST RIGHT…. nothing else will do….

Let go of fear!

To move on, to be with someone else you need three things

  • To be healed from the last relationship (or you will carry your baggage and your tight fitting shoes with you)
  • To let go of fear to allow love in. To not have such a wall of protection that you cannot let love back into your life
  • To be with the RIGHT person

The final point is a good one. Just because your new partner is a NICE person, who is kind loving and caring. It doesn’t make that person the RIGHT person for you. You might be a person who is an adventurous person at heart who needs someone with a lot of energy. This might be who you are, and who you are compatible with. Just because a new pair of shoes feel comfortable it doesn’t mean that  they are suitable for all events in your life. Sometimes just ‘comfortable is not enough’.

If you feel like this, it might just be that – the person is nice – it feels comfortable – but it is not the right person for you?

If you feel that it is the right person… but it is you and damage from the past that is the problem, seek help through a counsellor or therapist so that you can work through issues from the past.  Going to a therapist is not anything to be ashamed about, it just helps you to move on, so that the ‘stuck record’ that repeats due to past abuse can be healed.

The law of attraction and power of the mind

I write a few blogs. One I haven’t written for a while. I guess that many of you would know that besides my interest in psychology dating and relationships, I am also very spiritual. I believe a lot of things – one of those is about the power of the mind and the law of attraction. You are what you think and you attract into your life what you think. So if you think negative – or you think ‘this will go wrong’ it likely will.

I don’t know how many of you have watched the film ‘The Secret’ I haven’t watched it, but someone had told me about it and how it talked about things that I believe in. So I looked up to see if I could find the full movie online – Unfortunately i couldn’t find the full film, but here is a part of the film, that I think should help. It explains why what you think can attract more of that back towards you… so THINK POSITIVE. You DO deserve to be happy and you DO deserve to be in a happy fulfilling relationship if this is what you want. Stop with the negative thinking (as much as you can) …. or you will attract more negativity into your life. If you can watch this film it is really recommended!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8

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56 thoughts on “Trusting to be with a new partner after being deceived by a sociopath!”

      1. no, but i’m going through no contact rule right now. so I guess its the fear of hearing from him again might be causing this?

        love your blog girl!!!!

      2. I was wondering if you had experienced abuse and this was causing your nightmares. I don’t know if it’s not. Maybe someone else could answer as I was traumatised when in the relationship so I was having nightmares for other reasons.

    1. Hi A–I have also been having nightmares almost every night since I found out my ex sp bought a house with someone else when he was with me (UGH). I wake up with him in my head too—it’s frustrating. I have dreams of being abandoned, of encountering snakes (ha, how appropriate) and of just being in physical peril. I think it’s the emotional trauma, because he never laid a hand on me and was not really violent with me (bad temper with others though…). I hope your nightmares don’t last. I’m just trying to connect with all the people in my life who support and love me. I hope my dreams stop soon too…take care!

      1. omg!

        yes I have been waking up too with my ex in my head, bad dreams….

        that’s because you and I have one thing in common…we both found out that our ex has moved on to their next target without feeling any guilt, remorse.

        just give this time. time heals everything. for me its been a month since the breakup, I will much better because of no contact rule, and also because I don’t spy on him.

    2. I’ve been having some nightmares as well. Mainly of conversations we had when I started to be suspicious that he was lying. I would ask for more details or tell him he was contradicting previous statements and he would get mad and tell me how crazy and paranoid I was. I bought a sound machine that plays rain and other sounds at night. It seems to give my mind something else to think about while I’m sleeping.

    3. I have…I was also physically abused but I have had nightmares for most of my life due to childhood sexual abuse in a third world country where extreme fear tactics were also used. I do notice though that since he has been gone the nightmares and lack of sleep issues are back and involve him

      1. Yes I am in a group therapy for the second time and I also have a huge support system now of MK /TCK {Missionary Kid/Third Culture Kid} I was blessed to be able to attend a few conferences this past year and am workiing with a few authors and trained professionals on a book to help others understand and heal and complete my voice so to speak. The weird thing is I am almost a little more at peace now than I was for 30 years. I had blocked all of what happene to me in Panama but the overwhelming feeling I had been sexually abused at a young age and all the signs, disorders and panic/fear/anxiety attacks that go along with the development after a child endures sexual abuse or assault. It was my therapist that confirmed it and worked with me to bring it out and then finding a friend from Panama that I never forgot but could never remember.
        Thank you for making sure I do have therapy and support. I believe I will need some sort of therapy and support for the remainder of my life even if it just be continuously keeping myself educated on what happens with me mentally and physically at each stage of my life after the trauma or making sure to be on sites such as yours for support and knowledge of again some of the aftermath. I know my choices and my predator here I am as prey button is pretty big based on what happened to me and the brain washing my offender did to me.
        When I have my nightmares I now know what they are from and why and I have self care things in place so my mental state the day after stays pretty level. Working on the getting enough sleep on those nights with nightmares so my physical well being doesnt suffer too much more.

    4. It’s funny you asked this Angela, because my sister and I were just discussing this last night. I was involved with a p-path for about 3 months, but the horror I went through was far more reaching than I could ever imagine. First of all, he was a nice-looking guy with a very nice body to boot. All the girls in my neighborhood showed me envy and hatred whenever they saw us walking down the street together. Little did they know what I was actually going through.

      We met while we were both visiting a mutual friend and he latched on to me immediately. I had just had my heart broken by a guy that didn’t even deserve my time, much less my love. After a few weeks, my mother’s best friend became ill and she lived in another state about 5 hours away. I agreed to drive my mother and I asked him if he wanted to go for the ride as well. He did and we arrived and dropped my mother off and wanted some time alone and we were starving. We started driving and drove until the signs were no longer English and decided to turn around and just go to Pizza Hut. So we get out and without me knowing it, he reached under my seat and got my gun (from a prior nightmare relationship) and put it in his back pocket. I told him I had a gun for protection and I guess he figured that’s one of the places it would be. I walked in front of him so I didn’t see him reach over and get it as I was already out of the car and headed into the restaurant. He failed to pull his shirt over the gun and as a result it was seen. What I didn’t know was the manager had called the police because he thought this idiot was going to rob them and I don’t blame him. I would have done the very same thing. So here we are eating our Pizza and all is well and as soon as we’re walking out with 4 pieces left over, lights are in my face and what looked like 100 police officers were surrounding the place and I heard, “Put your hands in the air.” Terrified, I immediately did so. He looked over at me as if he was trying to decide if wanted to raise his hands or not. I screamed at him, “PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!!!” I never felt how fragile my life was until that moment. So he raised his hands and the police rushed him. They asked me who I was and I realized I had left my purse with my mother. The police said, “you could be Ma Barker as far as we know.” They ran a check on him and immediately put him in cuffs. I didn’t understand what was going on. They said to me, “ma’am, you could sell this beautiful car you have and you won’t have enough to get him out of jail.”

      Why were they taking him in? It was 1992 and the policeman said, “well we’ve been getting a lot of calls where people call us and when we arrive, they just start shooting at us. We have to be careful because of the Rodney King situation”. So they took him in and the next day I went in to see him. Of course, he’s proclaiming his innocence and I was very confused. I never got my gun back because I couldn’t produce the papers for it. Young and dumb on my part. Anyway, there was a custodian-guy there at the jail and as I was leaving he said to me, “listen young lady, you seem like a sweet girl and you shouldn’t be involved with a guy like this, but if you want I can get you the information on him so you’ll see what’s going on. I said, “of course” and he did and agreed to meet me the next day. How in the world would a janitor know how to get this information? Beats me, but he certainly did.

      The rap sheet had armed robbery, fighting policemen, assault after assault after assault. It was longer that I was tall. I thanked the custodian, put a few dollars on the psychopath’s books (although I didn’t know he was one at the time), and burned rubber getting to my mom, and told her we were getting out of there. I wrote him a letter asking him to explain himself and of course it was everyone else’s fault. I even found his parent’s number and after talking to them, I found out he was stealing all sorts of stuff from them and they had a great deal of money. He even set one of their rentals on fire. I grew even more afraid at the type of psychopath I’d gotten myself involved with. I didn’t hear from him for about a year and all was well. Then all of a sudden one day there was a knock on my door. I was upstairs when my mother called me. I was coming down the stairs, but became frozen in my tracks as I realized it was him. He was really dressed up and you could smell the nice cologne he had on. He looked very handsome, but I knew they type of person he really was. I was afraid to come all the way downstairs but I managed to. He tried to convince me to go back with him and I told him no way. He was always hanging around my neighborhood and trying to find out where I was from anyone that would tell him.

      He was a fairly large and intimidating guy. I found out that although he had a job, he would simply walk into grocery stores, get a shopping cart and proceed to load up with groceries filling over the brim of the cart. After he got all that he wanted, he would simply walk out of the store, right past the check out counter with everyone looking at him with their mouths open in disbelief. He did this all of the time. He came by my house one day and I asked him about it. He told me he even did it for friends who worked as security guards at the different stores as well. He came over to tell me he was headed to one and that no one would stop him. I jumped on the phone and called them ahead of time one day because I knew what he was getting ready to do. I gave his name, address, phone number, description, even his social security number. How’s that for having all of the information you need to nab a guy? Their response to me? “Sorry ma’am, but he’s not here and there’s nothing we can do about it.” After yelling at them, I simply hung up. He’d go into clothing stores and after getting all that he wanted he’d simply go to the dressing room and put on all of it and then his regular clothes on top and simply walk out of the store, once again, unstopped. He began to stalk me because I wouldn’t fall in love with him. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life, believe me, but I refused to do that. When he saw that he couldn’t control my heart, he decided to control me physically through intimidation.

      One day he caught me getting into my car without me seeing him. He grabbed me and shoved me in the car and he drove me way out of town, all the while telling me that he’s going to break my jaw, and break my nose, and kill me and throw me in a ditch way out there and no one would ever find me. Somehow I always managed to talk my way out of it by acting like he was the love of my life and if he hurt me, we couldn’t be together anymore. He would come up to my job and wait by my car while he’s talking to himself. I told everyone on my job so they could watch out for me.

      Apparently he didn’t feel he was close enough to me, so he decided to rent an apartment DIRECTLY behind me. You could literally walk out of my place into his place. When I’d get off of work, all I would see would be the complete darkness of his apartment, but he’d be peeking out of the door with his hand beckoning for me to come over. I refused and would run in the house. He got tired of this and waited right by my apartment (out of sight while I was in the car, of course, because he knew I’d drive off if I saw him). So I get out of the car and there he is. He grabs me and brings me into his house and keeps me there 4 days straight. I was so glad that I had an understanding boss who believed the lies I told her each day about me being too sick to come in, while he’s right there next to me listening to each word.

      Forcing himself on me was nothing to him. I was his property and I’d do what he wanted me to do. When we met, he was a great lover, but who wants to be FORCED to have sex with someone, regardless to how good in bed they are? Each night, he would make sure to wrap his whole body completely around me before he’d go to sleep and that’s how he’d sleep the whole night. I was trying to free myself while he was sleep, but it never worked because he would awaken and reestablish his position around me. On the 4th day, I managed to ease myself ever so gently out of his grip because I would move an inch at a time being ever so careful not to awaken him, until an hour later, I managed to free myself. I was stark naked and managed to hurry and put my shorts on, as I was walking out of the bedroom door, he woke up, but I was far enough from him that he couldn’t catch me. I ran down the stairs, skipping 2 of them at a time with my 250 pound frame. He ran like a race horse, so there’s no way I could have gotten away without lots of space between us. By the time he got close enough to me, I’d already reached the door to freedom, but believe me, it was a very close call. I ran home and cried and cried. I called the police so many times in those 3 months that they began erasing it off of the boards because when they’d arrive, he’d put on a show, as though “all is well” to them. They’d look at me like I lost my mind, even though I was telling them differently.

      I began sleeping in my car, which was new and had VERY dark windows that you couldn’t see through even if you walked up close to it. I’d call my mother and let her know I was alright. Then I’d park and make sure my doors were locked, and let my seat back, say my prayers, and go to sleep. The sun was my alarm clock in the morning. I’d call my mother to tell her I was on the way home to get a fresh set of clothing. She’d have them ready for me as I’d grab them out of her hands and run back to the car. Other times I’d sleep in a motel and would let them know what was going on and they’d keep an eye out for me as well.

      My mother was gone one day and he came into my house. I think maybe my nephew left the door open or something, but he came upstairs where I was. He was trying to get me to come back to him. We got into an argument and he hit me so fast, I don’t even remember him swinging at me. I went flying over on the other side of the bed and as I pulled my 250 pounds up off the floor on the other side, I screamed, not because he hit me hard (because he really didn’t), but because of the shock of what just happened. I called the cops and he left before they got there.

      I got so tired of running and calling the police over and over and over again. The last policeman left, not bothering to even take a statement from me because the neighbors (who were druggies and on his side) were telling the police that I was brandishing a weapon in the air and waving it back and forth, which was an obvious lie. After that policeman left my house, I looked at my mother and said, “mom, he’s going to kill me.” She said, “don’t you EVER let me hear you say that again, do you understand me? He is most certainly NOT going to kill you and you remember this one thing: You’re stronger than you think you are and don’t you ever forget it.” I never forgot her words.

      I called the police once last time because we decided to move to get away and they told me they could only wait on me for 1/2 hour. We’ve been in this house for over 30 years. Do you think we could get everything out in 1/2 hour? But I went ahead and rented the U-Haul anyway and while my brother-in-law was packing our things inside, I was looking around in a panic, knowing he would show up any minute. One of the scummy neighbors came over to me and said, “I know you’re afraid, but you don’t have to be anymore. He failed to show up at his parole officer’s office and he’s back in prison now.” At first, I didn’t believe him, but eventually I began to relax a little and we managed to get out of there safely.

      None of my neighbors that I knew all of my life in that neighborhood were speaking to me anymore and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t until after he was gone that they said he told all them to not have a conversation with me ever again.

      I found a new place and used a PO box just in case he tried to track me down. About a month later, I went to the mailbox and there was a letter from him. My heart raced and I began to panic as I thought, “oh God, he found me.” But I looked closer and saw that he sent it to my last address and it was forwarded. I opened it and it said how much he loved me and how sorry he was. I took it in the house, and let my mother and sister read it. We all laughed and I ripped it to shreds and threw it away.

      I would look under cars before getting into my car. I would always go away from a corner before simply turning the corner of a building, thinking he would be there and would grab me. I was frantic. It took me 1 WHOLE YEAR to calm my nerves down and believe that it was finally over.

      I had CONSTANT nightmares about him where he’d always be chasing me and the moment he’d reach out to grab me, I’d wake up. One day my niece was sleeping over and she came and woke me up in the middle of the night. I asked her, “what did you wake me up for?” She said, “Grandma sent me in here to wake you up because you were screaming”. I thought, “Oh no, I’m losing my mind.” You know, the funny thing is, there are so many other instances that have happened but it’s as though I have forgotten about them. Maybe my mind is constantly trying to put that behind me and further protect me from the trauma that he caused in my life. Although so much more has happened, I think I’m really afraid to reach back in those areas of my mind to try to remember them again. I’m just so thankful that he is out of my life.

      I feel that I draw these type of people to me, somehow. It frightens me and I want to prevent it from happening again.

      You know, even after the relationship is over, somehow they can still control our life if we let them. How? By doing like I do and being terrified to get involved with anyone. That’s not fair because we all have a right to have a decent person in our lives when we’re decent. I don’t want to shut off a potentially great guy because of the past nightmares that I’ve gone through.

      I guess it’s one day at a time, though.

      1. Foster thank you for sharing your wonderfully well written story. How did it feel to write it down?? I had tears as I read it. I could feel your emotion and sense of fear that you must have felt. I remember being so frightened and wondering when this nightmare would end. Does he know where you are today? Do you feel safe?

      2. You’re right, angelarun2001, yes, I was very fortunate to have escaped with my life. There were plenty of times when I didn’t believe I’d survive, though. The feeling of hopelessness can be quite overwhelming at times, but I’m so glad I made it out. I only wish I knew how to stop attracting these type of people in my life. I’m such a caring, nurturing, and forgiving person and these p-paths latch on to that, sadly. They look for victims and I must give off those vibes. I really want to change that before it’s too late.

    5. yes, for a long while after….. it was awful, like hell. In the nightmare that contained the horror of the reality… then waking up to that reality. I drifted, well careered into, despair. She took my son of with her new “man” too…. it was so bad. I would think “how do you “”get over”” something that is real and will be ongoing for life?”

      It all happened so quickly and when I felt like I was getting over my PTSD. She knew this too and I had become very dependant on her “love” and “support”. THis didn’t just vanish, absence cruelty, right to my face took it’s place. Even now some music or TV shows from that time, bring shadows of it back.

      I got there though and now just focus on my son and I. Trying to make the best of things and be able to have a friendly relationship was a mistake and hope was my enemy.

      But I am mostly back to feeling ok, even good now…. stronger than before even. You will be too angel. I remember doing something that might sound silly, but it helped. I looked in the mirror and said “you are going to be ok”.

  1. Every single blog of yours is just perfect,describing all the small details and possible consequences and how people that got stuck into relationship with sociopath should act.
    I just want to tell you once more (even tho i still fight to have no contact with her,since we work at the same company) …you have done a great job in pointing me to the right point of view of all this and how i should behave to overcome this (its been six months now since i’m not in relationship with her)
    Thanx,thanx,thanx….THOUSAND times and of course i will stay on your blog and keep follow your new posts…even that i wasnt in relationship with sociopath,this stuff is very,very interesting…and should help people who could be someday in relationship with one.
    I won’t ever forget how i have been treated by her and what she has done to me in our relationship…people….please be aware and stay away from sociopaths,incredibly evil,mean and dangerous people…you cant help them…and they certainly won’t help you (on the contrary,just expect them to try to ruin your life).
    Blog by positivagirl will sure help you…but first of all when you recognize you had or that you are in relationship with sociopath….keep working on yourself and follow the guidelines you can find on this blog.

    Lots of love and positive thoughts,

    Djuran

    1. Made a mistake….i wrote “even that i wasnt in relationship with sociopath” i meant…”even to someone who wasnt in relationship with socipath” .

      I think i have cleared some things now.

      Kind regards,

      Djuran

    2. I couldnt remember my dreams for 3wks after breakg up with my ex, i’d had prayer protection, barrier from him & hypnotherapy, feel stronger this time than last time in March when broke up then too.
      But ex has left some baggage, as i only attracted to handsome men or who have some charisma, if have a spark with. 1 man asked me for rship, i only like him as friend,brother. He is nothing like the ex in looks height or personality.hes not eymotionalIy complex at all. I do miss spark, excitement that the spath brought to me & at times the lie, dreams he wove of soulmate, longterm life together, amazing intimacy etc. But he used intimacy, would go off intimacy to control me.
      Safer to just have males as purely platonic pals, like a brother now.

      1. I know what you mean. It’s like that for me with women now. Maybe it will change, I don’t want this evil person to damage my life any more than she has.

  2. I had verybreal nightmares & I wasn’t physically accused by him. It really is the psychological effects. I dream about guys I’ve dated since my sociopath.

    I did dream about snakes too. You should Google the meaning of the dreams. It helps I was so anxious after breaking you with my sociopath. I didn’t feel empowered at all. I was an emotional wreck.

    1. Thanks for the idea of looking up snakes. I did that and it fits as far as the person being a snake. Also the terror of being constricted and lied to. I have a meditation tape that I’ve started using again (actually, it’s an mp3) right before bed and haven’t had the nightmares since. It’s about gaining emotional freedom. I also have been looking through old photos of the REAL people from my life and posting them on my photo site to remind me of all the wonderful and real relationships I do have. I’m lucky in that….and I am very grateful for this site. I think I’d still be blaming myself and never finally getting out of this fog, if it weren’t for this site and everyone here…thank you…

    2. I did dream of snakes at start of rship with my ex spath, last yr. i think it meant, he is Snake in Grass. I had lots of dreams warning me about him,1 of him with a prostiute, these warningss for me to leave him, msgs from god/spirit, i took them to be.

    1. It is the whole film I have never watched it. So thank you. You have made my day 🙂 I do believe in law of attraction cosmic order etc (I write about -but haven’t for a while) on my earth angels diary blog. Thank you 🙂 nothing better than positive thinking 🙂

      1. Your very welcome pos. I only heard of it today from reading this. I watched the link you put up and wanted to see more. I’m 3/4 of the way through it.

        So glad I’ve made your day. Thats lovely to hear and the very least I can do.

        Im so grateful for your blog. Its been a life support over the months.

        I’d like to thank you and everyone else here who has supported me on my journey.

        Big hugs xxx

      2. Just watched it. Ha this is exactly what I believe too. Problem I had with socio was that he blocked my thoughts… Funny I said I really want to see this film soon!!.. and today you gave me the link woohoo 🙂

  3. I think the most difficult thing is rebuilding trust. After being with someone who lies seemingly for the sake of lying it’s difficult to believe other people when they are just being normal, everything that should feel good, such as a compliment is tainted with the possibility it could be lies.

    1. Im definitely with you on that and its horrible because I was such a trusting person and took people at face value.

  4. I am not really worried, at 62, if or when I can be with someone again. If it happens, it happens. Much better is getting a dog, there’s no therapist in the world like a dog licking your face. They give you many comforts and when you’re feeling sad it doesn’t try to find out why. Go to your local animal shelter and pick any dog that’s there, that’s when you receive true love! It truly is a man’s and woman’s best friend.

    “Dogs give us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man can make.” ~Roger Caras.

  5. Thank you to the emailer and as always thank you for your site and your continued blogs that keep me going so that I can overcome, heal and live my life again without these walls of mirrors ready to shatter at any moment if I couldn’t balance all 10 of them in one hand….10 walls of mirror for each year I was with my socio.
    This is an excellent post and it gives me hope. I don’t want to give up on love but I honestly feel or felt until now that I could never find man that would compare. My socio is also Cuban and with that alone comes excitement and charm and passion.
    I was also married to a narcissist for 8 years prior and then a physcho-sociopath for 3 years that ended in extreme trauma that I will deal with for the rest of my life. I am a predators dream! So my fear of a new relationship I had resolved as never again and had settled into being alone for my remaining years at 40 years old . I have hope now!
    BUT I have a ways to go getting myself back, helping my three daughters understand and heal also and making sure I KNOW how to spot another socio and am STRONG enough.to walk away. The socio is such a charming, fun, passionate, extreme and just what we have dreamed of. This recovering BPD will need a special armor to fight the attention a socio can dole out ♡ 🙂

    1. I am so sorry to read all that you have endured. Yes you can heal. Your daughters will be wiser and will learn from you. Just don’t look to anyone else to fix you. Remember that happy and whole people attract happy and whole people. You can do it. This time spend time pouring your love into you !!

      1. Happy and whole people attract happy and whole people. LOVE It And will become it and then live it ! And also if you don’t mind would love to share this with the local YWCA I volunteer at and use their group sessions for my face to face support.

      2. Of course and if you remember this. It might help you with focusing on you. Healing you. When you are happy and whole you attract the same. It’s the law of attraction. You are what you think and you attract towards you what you think you deserve 🙂

  6. Dear All,

    I just want to say that it is possible.

    To overcome something like this and to be in a better place. I remember the days and nights like it was yesterday. All consuming. Depressing. So dark and lonely. I remember he was all I used to think about. I feared so much whether he was back with his ex or not. I feared so much whether he was with someone else. I was in shock. Disbelief that I found out all that I had. I was so hurt and in disbelief. I wanted answers.

    I don’t really want answers anymore. I don’t care what he’s doing. I don’t care who he is with. I don’t really care who he is doing. I don’t really care why we broke up. It is slightly laughable at this point..that I get to walk away and continue on my life which I love so much, and he is stuck in his own head, in his own skin. How lucky we are to be able to rip a page out of a book and start over.

    The thought of him brings a slight smile to my face. Not because I reminisce on the fond memories. But because I know who he is. You know, I haven’t cried once over him since i learned who he was. It has been a slow, and incredibly painful process as some of the older posters know. But i’m here. I’m standing tall and smiling.

    And, I am dating someone new. Sort of. Not anything serious yet. But that fear about not being sure if I could ever feel again? Its gone. Because I do feel again. Those butterflies? They are back. The laughter? it’s there. And, he is respectful, has a job, and is a gentlemen. At first, it kind of bothered me that the “spark” wasn’t an instant ignition like it was with the soc, and then i realized it wasn’t normal. I am still in the way beginning stages as it has only been a few weeks…and i remember at a “few weeks” with my soc, he was already moving clothes in. So, it is a bit of a culture shock to now be with a non-soc.

    He doesn’t agree with everything i say. He doesn’t do everything the same way I do things. He isn’t perfect at saying the right things at the right time (not that he has said anything bad). He isn’t perfect. But he is real. He is an actual person with actual feelings and an actual job. He is a genuine, authentic person who has room for error and also enough of a conscience to talk about it. He doesn’t make grand gestures saying he can’t be without me, but shows me by asking to take me out a few times a week.

    Again, I know it is the beginning and I am not saying he is my soul mate or anything crazy. But thats just the point. I’m saying he is real. And I really like spending time with him. And I really like who I am when I am with him. And I really like how there are no games, drama or stories.

    It can happen. It takes so many nights and effort. But it can happen. My soc has not at all contacted me. And I’m okay with it. I’m not afraid of what my reaction would be if he does. I am not nervous that I wouldn’t be able to maintain NC. I am not seething with things I would say to him if he did call me or reach out. It just “is”. He isn’t someone I want in my life, so he’s just not there. I think it’s important to remember that even when we hold someone in such a place of hate and disgust, they are still regarded strongly in our life. Maybe not with love and light, but are still seriously regarded and spoken for. I hope that makes sense.

    But the point is, all of us who have and are still struggling with coming to grips with everything that happened, keep the faith and keep waking up every day with the same intention to get the life of your dreams. Because one day, you’ll just get exactly what you are looking for. I hope others have experienced something similar and hope for everyone who hasn’t that they will also get to experience it soon.

    1. LOVED IT! absolutely loved it!

      i’m so glad and happy for you dragonfly. its so good to hear that you know how fake your ex was and the perfect image he projected is not real.

      really proud of you hun!

      we’d rather be someone who is real than to be with an evil person who pretends to be perfect.

    2. Gaslight,
      Your strength is admirable and it feels good –even though we don’t know each otehr– that you re over your SP. You are in a better place and you do not have to live in his skin. The Who’s song “Behind Blue Eyes” is a song sung from the perspective of a SP and if you hear it you will smile about not being with your ex!

  7. positivagirl

    November 4, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Foster thank you for sharing your wonderfully well written story. How did it feel to write it down?? I had tears as I read it. I could feel your emotion and sense of fear that you must have felt. I remember being so frightened and wondering when this nightmare would end. Does he know where you are today? Do you feel safe?

    Hey Positivagirl
    It really felt a little scary as I remembered things that used to literally make me shake at the thought of them. Fear was constantly in my heart as I began to believe each day would be my last. That was in 1992, and he doesn’t know where I am because I’ve moved to another state a year ago because of yet ANOTHER stalker. I feel safe that he won’t find me, but I used to wonder what I’d do if I ever ran into him and all I could think of is that I’d probably faint dead in my tracks because I know that he is still a p-path. I think the shock would be too much. He’d probably kidnap me and I’d never be seen again. I’d like to think it’s helpful to think of things that happened years ago and to learn from then. Even though it was a long time ago, I started getting nervous as I remembered different things that happened as I started writing this. These type of people stay in your head long after they’ve left your life, which is so sad. It really makes me cry when I think these type of people can take up such a large space in our minds.

  8. Here’s something funny you guys…. My ex shared a song with me when we were together….. “Mirrors” by Justin timberlake!! How ironic! Lol

  9. Dear Positivagirl,
    This blog in particular is really really helpful (they all are but especially this one).I read your story and can not imagine the incredible pain you endured and how you forgave him so many times. I feel like I can relate. I was confused the whole time bc I felt he was acting as if he liked me but then kept saying nothing is happening here (also had a sinking premonition/didn’t feel safe/ but was addicted to seeing him still) . I have had mostly abusive relationships in the past and I realize now that about 11 years ago I did date a sp but didn’t know it (I just thought he was a nars). I was a total mess after that one and I don’t think I ever healed from it. Plus growing up in a very neglectful family with constant drama can drain a person and you don’t even realize it you just keep thinking why am I so depressed:( (also have been to many a therapist who made it worse so I do shy away besides its very costly (especially if it doesn’t work and you don’t have the money) I can not thank you enough for this site. Now this latest guy I’m sure is a sp ! He fits too many of the descriptions and he was sadistic and very immature in a very shocking way that I have never seen in an adult bf. Anyway, I hate that I wish I could break contact but I am reading everyday and wrote down and remind myself to remember the nasty, immature cruel things he said to me every time I want to go back to the flowers and roses stage! Now I need to remind myself to work on me more and not think about him at all. 5 weeks nc! thank you again for this site and your words and PR too!!

    1. The earlier posts are the most helpful Elise, as I was writing those as I was going through it myself.

      If the latest guy you are involved with, you think is a SP…. With the time to break contact, you will know when you have had enough – when you have learned enough. The truth is that the pattern always repeats. While they give you the ‘illusion’ that they are just about to make recovery (they don’t really) – it just repeats over and over. The only difference is the severity.

      Five weeks no contact, is awesome….. now the trick is to start the exercises to bring back the focus on you. Writing lists is helpful, as it will help you to stay focused with reality (not the illusion) when you miss him. It will help you to remember what it was really like. Also it is good to get it out when you are hurting, rather than breaking contact.

      1. HI Pos
        Thanks again. You are so giving , I really can not tell you how much this is helping me and how much I sincerely appreciate all of your messages to me (if you ever need anything pls). I am not involved with him anymore. 5 weeks NC but I have no intention of going back (he discarded me anyway) (even though my mind still plays tricks and misses him sometimes) the whole affair when I was with him, I kept him at arms length bc I felt scared and still sometimes feel intense fear (not sure what that is about). He showed me 3 guns he has when we were making out in his bedroom. After watching that video of that woman about domestic violence, It made some sense to me. I have a fair amount of experience with abusive males in my life unfortunately. My father was one, my grandfather (some issues, hard to put it together completely), most of my few romantic relationships. I lived with a man when I was younger who would throw things and miss me, never hit me (mostly verbal) , then the ones after him (verbal). I think I try and detach when I feel or hear something abusive, bc I don’t really know how to heal(other than depression or anger). So the abuse I just go oh ok that is who they are. Problem is not for me to be in the line of fire. I am learning. It is so difficult. I have a very small family and unfortunately my mother is very difficult and makes me feel more lonely than if I was alone. So I struggle with being financially independent (was raised with the idea that I could not take care of myself (both parents were either absent or abusive verbally) . Emotionally I feel strong inside(most of the time), I just need to manifest that on the outside of my life. I am writing more than ever and reading. I will make those lists. I need to believe in my goals. Sometimes its hard to believe that things can get better, especially when all around you are problems and other people’s demands. It’s nerve wracking to write all this personal stuff here (makes me a little paranoid) but its the only support I have so I do thank you and hopefully someone can relate or offer suggestions, like you already have. I am grateful to you:)

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