When you have been abused your sense of self and reality is altered. Whilst you might think there is only one you (in theory there is) there are also three you’s!
- How you think others perceive you
- How you perceive yourself
- How others actually see you
These three senses of self are the real you. They are the three senses of self, how you rate yourself. How you see yourself. Your value and your place in the world. When you have been abused, your sense of you, is distorted. It is distorted by the distorted reality of the abusers mind. Some people ask, have I became a sociopath? I cannot seem to love anymore?
Do you know that this is not about love at all. It is about fear. If you felt positive, and you looked at the three senses of self, you would tell yourself (if you were confident)
- Other people are warm towards me. They smile and seem happy when they are in my company. By the way I am treated I know that I am valued.
- I am a good enough person. I might not be perfect, I like myself. I love who I am. I am proud of me, and I am proud of my achievements. I am a good person. I value me.
- Other people treat me with respect. They seem to listen to me and what I have to say. They call me up and ask me to go out. I am popular with other people. I feel valued and loved I am treated with respect.
If you had not been in an abusive relationship, and you felt good about you. It is possible that all of the statements about you are true. You feel good, you know that other people value you. You make a valuable contribution to life. You love yourself and you know that you are loved.
Living in fear – the sense of self after an abusive relationship
After you have been in an abusive relationship, you might be exactly the same person. Now you are looking at life in a fearful way. You are living your life in fear.
Lets look at the three senses of self after the abusive relationship
- Other people don’t seem to bother with me much anymore. I am no fun. I feel small. I know I won’t make a valuable contribution to others, so I keep myself, to myself. Other people have stopped talking to me. I am not invited to events anymore. I think other people are judging me. Other people are different towards me
- I don’t feel worthy. I don’t like myself. I am hurting. I don’t want to bother others. I am old/fat/useless/ugly (whatever words your abuser told you that you were). I feel lonely, isolated, depressed. I can see no future. I feel embarrassed and ashamed
- We miss the person that you once were, you have changed, were those things said about you true? You don’t seem to like us anymore. You are always sad and negative.
What has changed?
The only thing that has changed is your perception. You are still the same person. Nobody can change your core personality. What has changed is your perception of you and the world around you.
You can choose to look at life in two ways.
- Through the eyes of fear
- Through the eyes of love
it really is that simple. Life is actually more simple than you think it is. The difficulty after you have been in an abusive relationship, is that you were (forced) to see the world through with their disordered mind. It was their disordered view of the world that has changed you, and your perception of you.
When you are in the relationship with a sociopath, they manipulate you with (fake) love, and control you with fear. After a while you are hurt by the fake love. Believing in love, hurt you. Each time you forgave your partner, when they offered fake love again, it meant that you were hurt again. It became easier to see life their way. If not easier, this is how you lived your life – being controlled through fear.
Different ways that sociopaths control through fear
- Making you fear that they will let you down
- Fear that you are not good enough to be treated well
- Fear to have friends/family your independence
- False accusations to start rows – lead you to stop doing things you once loved – to avoid arguments
These and many more that I am sure that you could apply to your own situation.
How to change your world and start loving YOU!!
There is a common saying ‘you are what you think’. It is short and sweet but true. What you need to do is to stop looking at life through the disordered sociopaths eyes – you are FREE… you don’t have to do this anymore. You don’t have to look at life through fear anymore.
Realise that you are breathing OUT toxic things, situations, and the controlling element of your life. Breathing IN FREEDOM!!! …. This is freedom to be you.
Can you remember in the beginning of the relationship. All the wonderful things that the sociopath said to seduce you? If you can, write these things down. These are true words about you. Hold onto them. Can you remember, things that you loved. Things that made you feel happy? Were there things that you enjoyed that you stopped doing?
The only thing holding you back is YOU!!
When you get a negative thought….this is fear based. Change this thought into one that is love. It is that simple. Being in the relationship with a sociopath you didnt have time to think about you and your needs, you were either keeping them happy, or dealing with the endless dramas that they created.
You don’t have to do this anymore. So, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. You can’t expect others to love you, if you cant love yourself. The first step is to forgive yourself!! Its not your fault. Your not stupid. You didn’t deserve this to happen to you. But… again, this is looking at life through fear. Instead change this thought. Instead of feeling bad about what happened, think, what have you learned? Write it down.
The next task, is to start goals to rebuild your life. Remember to make these goals SMART (specified, Measured, acheiveable, realistic, timeframed), what this means is
- Specified (WHAT do you want?)
- Achieveable (Make sure that its something you can realistically do) – DON’T put I want to fly to the moon next Tuesday 🙂
- Measured (How do you know you have achieved it?)
- Timeframed (When is your time frame to complete this goal)
- Realistic (how realistic is it that you can achieve the specified goal in the timeframe outlined?)
Making your goals smart, is important. It is important to focus on positivity. Not failing because you made goals that you could never complete. You might feel ‘but I don’t know what I want anymore? I have been so abused I don’t even know who I am anymore!!… this is why it is really important to start writing your list. Just do some things. These goals are designed to make you feel like you are achieving in life. They will keep you focused on YOU and take away your energy thinking about the sociopath (when you do, you go back to their disordered view of the world). You don’t want this. You want to love you!!
Goals can be anything. But always try to put one long term goal. The rest make short term goals. Examples of goals…. (try to think especially of things you loved prior to socio-satan, but couldn’t do with them) for an example
Long term goal – buy a house (be specific – where do you want this house to be, what area, what would you like the house to look like? How big will it be?) – timeframe for doing this – is two years. What do you need to do to achieve this? … get a secure job, start saving so much per week, is it realistic? Yes… if you put the other things in place.
Short term goal – to call ONE friend who meant something to you, who you lost out of your life since being with sociopath…. yes it is achievable its only one person. Time frame to do this…. within five days. (or you could say within 24 hours)…. is it realistic YES….
How will this help me to love myself?
This will almost certainly help you to love yourself as it will reclaim YOU. It will help you to focus on you. More importantly it will help you to bring back into your life so much that you feel you have lost.
Positive people attract positive people. So, if you start by making the pledge to yourself, that you will do the work to focus on you, that you will set goals to achieve what you want to achieve (goals can be as simple as going for a walk, or clearing a cupboard). What you will see happening is the law of attraction. You are putting out to the universe what you want to achieve. Hopefully you should start attracting those things back to you. As this is YOUR list, it is written by you, designed by you, and has the essence of you…. you cannot help to both find yourself…and will start loving yourself again.
Leave the disordered thinking with the sociopath. You are free now. Stick to No Contact, and instead focus on you. Remember, if you have a negative thought about you… STOP!!! Think, is this thought based on fear? How can I switch this thought to love?
Here are some more posts that might be useful
Sorry if those posts appear to repeat the same message. This is because I really do believe that it is true. Don’t let the disordered mind ruin your life and your self love. Take back control for you. Love yourself. I promise you, if you follow these steps, you will start to see change in your life.
Additional things to do to start loving you
- Learn a new skill
- Take a candlelit bath
- Go for a walk to a beautiful place
- Call a friend/family member who loves you anyway
- Achieve in life – start making goals and achieve those goals
- Listen to a music album you love (that doesnt remind you of socio-satan) that you haven’t heard in a while
- Call up a friend to go out
- Write – its theraputic
- Reach out to others and help someone
- Smile… even if you smile at one random person on the street you will make their day
- Learn to do something new, take a course
- Plan a holiday
- Look at your career
- Love a pet
- Art is good therapy
- Recognise the beauty in the world, it is a beautiful world. It is all the more beautiful because you are a part of that world.
If you are still struggling, see a professional. A therapist to help you with counselling or CBT therapy. Visit your GP, if you are feeling really low, you might be depressed.
Honestly, loving yourself and being happy is all in the mind. Don’t let someone elses ruined distorted mind ruin your life, and self perception. You are wonderful just the way that you are!! 🙂
82 thoughts on “Learning to love yourself after an abusive relationship”
I love this post! Thank you! I have one question? I’am a single mom that works a full time job in the medical field. The week after my break up I plunged into a 200hr yoga teacher training course ( 20 hrs every weekend for three months) I did it… I finished. I moved out of my old house a week ago that I shared so many memories with my Ex in. Now I feel like my strength, my lack of fear and ability to accomplish and pull myself up off the ground is not supported by friends and fam. It’s like no one knows what to say or like my strength intimidates them and makes them question what they are doing. My yoga and meditation has taken me to a total new level of awareness of what’s important. My experience with my ex has only made me stronger and this site has helped me with support in ways you can’t imagine to help me see clear. I have become a vegetarian and even just that causes a stir at a meal. I feel like now I’m having to defend my strength. Does this make sense?
Hi Amy why do you need to defend your strength? I understand when you want people to be proud of you. I don’t think that others sometimes appreciate what you have been through and how far you have came to get where in recovery. And that can feel like a kick in the teeth. I went through this. My brain stopped working after a significant trauma, it only came back this year, and I started writing my blog, which took off and became successful. I was shortlisted for the cosmopolitan blogger award. I was so proud of this. Yet nobody in my family said anything that they were proud of me. It made me feel quite alone, or that nobody recognised or cared.
Today my mum called me, and she said, are you still writing? You must feel proud to know that you are helping all of those people. It really meant a lot to me that she had recognised. It wasn’t that i started writing, it was that my brain wasn’t fit to write for many years. You know what I think? Those that love you, when you have had your world pulled apart, they don’t know what to say to change it for you. When you make significant changes, that are radical and bring you a sense of achievement and pride, that they fear supporting that in case that goes wrong too… they don’t want to see you fail. Or at least that is my positive slant on it anyway. I don’t know if anyone else has thoughts? I would prefer to think that way, than think either they didn’t give a damn, or thought I was stupid for what I was doing… I try not to think that way…. so just think maybe they don’t want you to fall down after you have been through so much!! 🙂
WELL DONE also for your acheievments and working so hard to make change in your life – I bet it has helped a lot? 🙂
Thank you for such a kind response. I never thought of it in that light. It doesn’t feel like its that though. It has happened in the past before my ex Soc. I have never been a drinker and I’m not overweight like most all my fam is. I’ve always been health conscious and I use essential oils instead of common meds. I’ve been called a hippie, weird and a witch all in a joking manner by friends and fam. This is just another time I’m feeling isolated and different at a time I need support most. But in all honesty not many people want to be accountable for themselves and walk the path of a healthy spiritual life style it seems. This is why I was with my ex so long… Although he didn’t live an honest spirtual and meaningful life himself…. He respected me in the way I chose to live my life. Maybe he knew that’s what I was looking for and played the part. I know I don’t have to defend the path I choose to take, my path. I think what no one ever prepared me for was that it is one you take alone. Everytime you write on your blog you are fulfilling your purpose ( I think) that you were put here for. You fearlessly write no matter what opposition you get. I know I need to remeber this and do the same. Thanks for being such an inspiration. I think we definately go through a sort of death of ourselves before our souls are truely born. The Soc definately killed all that I thought was real only to reveal to me that the love I’m looking for is in me and me alone.
Absolutely — you are love…. 🙂
You are right. This is my life path. it started at 16, I became homeless then worked with youth homeless. its been like that always. I experience it then work with it. Its been a journey….but. I am grateful for the wisdom.
You know a LOT of people who come to this site are also spiritual (you can tell by the comments). i did a poll a few months back, that showed I think around 750 replied that more than 80% had strong spiritual beliefs that were important to their day to day life.
I am sure that there has to be a reason for that?
My big gripe with all this emphasis on trying & doing all these new things, from taking a college course to trying to put pressure on oneself to “achieve” some esoterical thing as personal success is not much to worry with. What one person values as an achievement, another views as a waste of effort. So maybe your friends/family don’t acknowledge your personal achievement because they can’t appreciate? I dunno, just my take on it, I get so bummed out with all during my life people projecting onto me what I should be doing, ya know? I do what makes me feel okay for the most part, eventually ( remember, many of us are procrastinators and well, I have limited spunk). But I do and have always worried about not living up to expectations, not being superpopular with most crowds, and not particularly social to begin with. I think there is all sorts that fall into this sick world of being taken advantage of, playing off any form of esteem issues. Some of the most dynamic, smartest, out going people can be some with the most irrational tendencies, no?
But, do, by all means, what makes you happy in the coming days after discord. I am not advocating doing nothing, but even reading articles online helps you to take your mind off of yourself, exposes you to different realities that can influence you to do something, even if you haven’t thought of “it” yet. There’s no hurry, you have the rest of your life to do it. So my motto? Be lazy, stop and appreciate nature regularly, enjoy the simple things. I think way too many make life more complicated than it needs. But thanks PosGirl, this was an excellent piece today, and so timely, as per FNG usual! LOL
Lol your comment made me laugh edaldude!! 🙂 I write these posts to remind myself sometimes. I am the queen of procrastination 🙂
Maybe it’s just the good old fashioned light vs dark, good vs bad… But clearly they are of the same coin. They coexist for reasons we just can’t rationalize. You wouldn’t be writing this had you not been in the darkness at those points in your life.
Ah, expectations and looking outside of yourself for “validation”.
This is what I did my whole life really. I didn’t think while doing it that was what was going on but through this experience, I have learned that is just what was going on (and still does which is why I choose to keep the walls up and not interact – to me, no expectations = no hurt or disappointment)
Of course I also know this is not logical and really want to find peace inside because I know it comes from nowhere else. What was said here about setting yourself up to be in these vulnerable positions to be taken advantage of is, I believe, an absolute truth when you have little or no self esteem and are looking for outside people, events and “things” to bring you happiness.
I set myself up – was crushed by major depression (now diagnosed dysthymic because of the time it has lasted) and then spiraled down and accepted the socio as my validation.
Once, when asked by my then ex-husband “why don’t you just leave him”, my response was – “maybe because I think this is what I deserve”.
I’ve come a long way from where I was – but it still seems so far to go. When I’m asked “what would make me happy?” – the answer is still “peace” – and by that I mean the full feeling that all is right inside myself no matter what is going on externally.
Procratination comes into play big time for me – no energy, no motivation. Vicious cycle. I guess I try to tell myself this didn’t happen overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight either. It is a life long thing that started long before I ever met socio.
Hi I’m jo , or josie, and I’ve been in three abusive relationship .my first was my husband of 39 yrs, and dated for 3 yrs before.. Loved hive with my heart met him when I was 15 married at had my son at 18′ . He had affairs from day one.. Even my older sister which lasted 18 yrs, gave me , clamididia, and gonaria, genital warts, but I forgave him,,, I’m 68 now and I’m glad he,s dead, but I still adore him. Lol. Been in two other relationships since then, they were both abusive, verbal and controlling. I’m on my own now,, I still miss a man but , I am enjoying my space… I would like a man again, but not live ins.. Just friends with benifits. Lol I still have my humour that what keeps me alive,, X
The timing of this article is amazing. It’s been a week after severing my ties and I just started exploring how to love myself again and regain what I lost! The fact that I can think clearly on my own without worrying if I’m saying/doing things wrong has been an eye opener for me. I don’t know what I would do without your site right now as it is helping me pick up the pieces of the last few years… Thank you!!!!!
Freedom… It’s just a feeling but an important one!! 🙂 ah and feeling free after being controlled… 🙂
Interesting … My ex would say to me that he felt no matter what he did or said he couldn’t do anything right. This is what he would say if I protested about being blown off, ignored, cheated on, or lied to. On my birthday one year he told me he wanted to take me on a trip and yet he slept in and took zero initiative to make it happen. When I told him I didn’t want to plan my own birthday get away and have to wake him up and motivate him to go he went into a rage, dented my wall with a toy, and left. He would not speak to me or answer my calls the entire weekend. It was just one of many heartbreaking moments that he would later apologize for and expect me to forget.
Ah yes, but if you ever dared to do one thing that they find objectionable you would never hear the end of it. Could you imagine doing that to them?
I did once Pos, Behave in anger (he was looking after my cat (that he hated) for 2 days while i was away and the cat ran away – or he kicked it out, who knows) He almost broke up with me and made it that i was psycho and had an irrational issue – umm while i was walking the streets at night looking for my cat – devestated and crying – he was curled up in bed not giving a shit. Basically between that and another anger incident he completely disabled my ability to be angry at him – called me psycho Cindy and that he loved me but psycho cindy would be dumped. He even got me calling my anger psycho cindy… WTF? so i very rarely got outwardly angry.
BTW – much to his disappointment i found my cat. Who is very happy not to be living with him anymore.
Their ability to sleep through distress is stunning. Shows lack of emotion. When we were told our daughter had died we came home from the hospital. I was full term pregnant and we were going back the next day. He went straight to sleep in her bedroom. Sleeping in the bed next to her cot. Just slept all night left me sitting up awake all night with our daughter dead inside of me. I had to wake him in the morning said I need to go to hospital. Who could do that? Just go to bed sleep all night in her room, next to her cot that was made up ready for her. Wow they have no emotion 😦
Pleased you found your cat (and lost the psycho) 🙂
OMG Pos. That is horrible. Again some similarities, (my experience was not as horrific as that though) i was only 7 weeks pregnant, when i started miscarrying and asked him to to take me to hospital because i was in pain and couldn’t drive, he made me wait while he went for a 21km run and then drove me to the hospital like a taxi, didn’t stop the car and drove off while i went in to confirm i had lost our baby. He then texted me to see if i had finished at the hospital yet. By this time i was back at our home. God knows where he was. That night he dumped me (for the first time) because i wasn’t the person he thought i wsa. I was still of course miscarrying but was begging him not to leave me. I had convinced him by morning to stay. That was when he started calling my anger Psycho Cindy… I was not angry…. i was bloody well miscarrying and distraught!!! No emotion. No compassion.
oh and yes… very please i found the cat and lost the psycho… what a pickle i woudl be in if it was the other way around… “shudder” to horrible to think about!
It just amaze me how we All had the same experiences!!! That’s why I’m over it!!! I know I’m a good woman/ person and the SP would make me feel worthless!!! But I know this was a game I continue to grow from this madness of a life of lives I lived!!! You have to get yourself out of it, mentally!
hello Amy, that is so bizarre, as my ex said the same thing too, no matter what he did or said I cant make you happy, is there anything good about me at all? u like about me? It is freaky! feels like we dated the same person! lol. My ex did take me on day trips only. but not overnite stay over trips, i didnt know why, as his parents had no shortage of money they are millionaires. I even offered to pay for myself. He said he had travel anxiety, he did get irritable on a trip to Canberra, we did back in March. He was so emotionally complex, complicated, was too much for me, having asperger. he used that against me too.
It is great having physical & emotional freedom again, wow! Its been 8 wks no contact. He hasnt made any contact whatsoever this time. So Maybe hes not a full blown sociopath, as never ripped me off, never stole money or tried to get into my bank account or hack into my emails etc. He had decent family, religious upbringing, his parents are to thank for that.But he definitely has many of the sociopathic tendancies or traits, maybe he was more a narcissist instead. Either way, hes not relationship material, not emotionally healthy. Too much issues & baggage & not a patient tolerant or happy man.
Your comment just reminded me that in the relationship with the ex soc i was continually worrying about what i was doing and if it was what he wanted me to do and if i was doing it how he wanted it. What was that all about ?!?
I also used to have problems hearing him (it was only him i struggled with) and he used to get angry at me because apparently i had the problem! near the end i think he purposefully mumbled to cause more issues. But i started standing up for myself and said to him… if it is me going deaf, don’t you think the right thing to do would be to speak louder and more clearly? … this really pissed him off. Eventually i just started pretending i heard him and nodded in response. What a DH!
Oh and now that he is out of my life, i can hear everyone very clearly… i always could except him… but it was my problem. douchebag!
Ah being with a sociopath does tend to make you ‘deaf’ to others and what they are saying. When they leave it’s like your hearing kicks into place. Call it selective hearing.
I sometimes can’t believe the similarities I read here to my own experience. My ex sp ALSO mumbled all the time and I couldn’t hear him and he’d get mad when I’d ask him to repeat himself. Sometimes he was driving and he’d leave the music on loud or a window down or TV on loud. He knew I hated that. So passive aggressive. UGH. I love your response to him about why he should speak up! 🙂
Its so weird that they seem to do the same thing… maybe its because they lack compassion and empathy that they have no imagination…
Because their brains are all wired the same way. They all have the same illness..
Mine ex spath used to mainly ‘talk at me’ too loud, when he was lecturing me on my behaviour, or of my questionable ‘friends’, we argued mostly about so called ‘3rd parties’ the decibals rose! I got sick of getting tinnitus. He also listened to Paltalk most of the time when at his place, people talking about christianity on computer. He got sick of turning volume down for me, i have sensitive hearing, due to having aspergers. I got sick of his self righteous fundamentalist pentecostal judgemental view of christianity & his fundamentalist extremist pentecostal christian friends on paltalk. Never mind. We are all free now & its great to be able to meditate, be spiritual again, read my buddhism spiritual books, as he wanted to throw them out, i had to hide my books in the garage, when we were together. He tried to control me in my life that way. Good to be free, us warriors. Never ever go back to being in cage, imprisoned again, just for company or intimacy. Better to have friends, & plenty of other fish in the sea. But we wont get caught by a ‘shark’ again. Beware of the sharks, the Sociopaths. Love & light, keep strong, you are all an inspiration & my heart goes out to all of you, & your situations some of which are same as mine.
They do talk at you. Ranting. There is no conversation. They control everything. They give you snippets of information to find out your business. Then go on and on like a demon possessed.
I can’t honestly remember my socio ever making anything out to be his fault. He was perfect, you know. I was crazy. It was never, ever his fault – even when it was.
I’m actually surprised that socio’s do this to the extent some of you describe as I never knew this to be the case. My understanding and my experience shows just the opposite – he was never at fault and had a reason for everything.
When he was at fault and I would say something (never yell at him, lest he pick me up by the neck and toss me somewhere) – well then he had tons of rationalizations that honestly were more brainwashing for me.
Especially in the beginning because I believed everything he said and since I was isolated. There really was nobody to really give me a reality check.
One thing I can remember is we both smoked and smoked non-menthol cigarettes. After many months of realizing that I certainly was not smoking them all (as many as him) and confronting him – of course he said I always had a cigarette hanging out of my mouth (untrue) – my fault we were always running out.
So, the next time I bought them, I got myself menthol. Guess who was always running out then? Not me LOL.
Thank you for this post! I’m still, after more than 30 years of distance from my situation, trying to figure out just what sort of person I was married to for twenty years. Sociopath? I’m not sure. A damaged person? He certainly was! Empathy? None that I could see. Sexual deviancies and sadism? For sure! In the meantime, I’ve made a life for myself, finished raising my daughter, and have had virtually no desire to see him. I’ve been curious, though, and would like to know what he is doing to his present wife, but contacting him is not an option. His present wife will have to fend for herself as I did for all those years. She was willing to go with him while he was still married to me, and she knew he had kids, and I suppose she considered him a prize catch because his income was high. Luckily, he had himself “fixed” so he can’t have more kids. No more kids will suffer due to his behavior. That is one bright light in the heavens! But he doesn’t meet a lot of the criteria for being a sociopath that you have listed on this blog. Puzzling . . .
Does he not have contact with your children?
My kids cut off contact with him in 1992 when my daughter complained of his showing up at her apartment and wanting her to parade around for him in her underwear. By then she no longer was a minor child and was not protected by the law in the way she had been protected when I caught him molesting her. (I had turned him over to the legal system in 1981 when I caught him abusing her, and he was convicted of a Class C felony.) I called my son after my daughter told me about the visits and let him know what was going on. My son was by then a lawyer, and he called his dad and told him to never, ever again show up at my daughter’s apartment, and since then none of us has had contact with him. My son didn’t want him around the kids when they were young, so my grandchildren have never had any contact with their paternal grandfather.
I didn’t take legal action against him on my own behalf, although I had plenty of good reasons to do so, but my daughter’s case was enough to get him out of our home because it was provable. I witnessed his abuse of her, and she was willing to testify. If I had had the money and the energy and strength, I could have taken him to court for bestiality and for sexual abuse of me and for the psychological battering of all of us. But it would have been my word against his with no physical evidence to back me up, so I decided that just getting him out of the home was sufficient.
He was smart enough to stay away from us and not harass us. But, then, he was already deeply involved with his new “love,” and that kept him busy. He deeply resented having to use his insurance to pay for our daughter’s therapy and my therapy, but there was no way for him to wriggle out of that. He was legally mandated to do it. He told me a few months after I turned him in that he thought I made a big fuss about nothing. In other words, he had no remorse! He made a good income as a computer system designer for the state, but he did not provide help to our son when he went through college. My daughter sued him later for damages, so he was forced to settle with her. Money is nice, but it doesn’t heal the heart and soul.
Anyway, this is the long reply to your short question. Maybe he is what you would call a “sociopath +.”
What you describe sounds like a distempered psychopath. I am sorry I didn’t know your story. What a horrific thing to go through. I can understand why you want to know what happened to the woman that he ended up with. Maybe he is in jail by now?
There is a description of distempered psychopaths here http://compenetration.wordpress.com/tag/distempered-psychopaths/
It says – DISTEMPERED PSYCHOPATHS are the kind that seem to fly into a rage or frenzy more easily and more often than other subtypes. Their frenzy will resemble an epileptic fit. They are also usually men with incredibly strong sex drives, capable of astonishing feats of sexual energy, and seemingly obsessed by sexual urges during a large part of their waking lives. Powerful cravings also seem to characterize them, as in drug addiction, kleptomania, pedophilia, any illicit or illegal indulgence. They like the endorphin “high” or “rush” off of excitement and risk-taking. The serial-rapist-murderer known as the Boston Strangler was such a psychopath.
Thanks for this info! I didn’t even know there was such a descriptor. Whatever he was, my kids and I suffered mightily, especially during the last five years of my marriage. Unfortunately, we were living in Germany part of that time, and trying to do anything legal about the situation was out of the question as far as I knew. But when we got home, that’s when I discovered the sexual abuse of our daughter and turned him in. The legal process had its glitches, but I got him out of our lives. That was the best thing that could have happened! The second best thing was that my daughter got a horse, and caring for and riding her horse was probably what saved her sanity.
sounds as if you all went through a horrible time. If you research distempered psychopath you might get some clearer information. I just put distempered psychopath into google when you explained what you had been through.
He sounds a very dangerous man.
Maybe he was just a very selfish man?
Well, there is “selfish” and there is “selfish.” His behavior way exceeded “selfish.”
Now you know why I am in the process of healing my Complex PTSD and writing blog posts about my process! I want people to know that C-PTSD can be healed. If more people read your blog BEFORE they got hooked up with a sociopath, they wouldn’t need to read my blog! Namaste . . .
This is why it is SO hard to really diagnose any of these personality disorders and pin them down – because it is quite easy for them to “blend” together in some form.
I don’t know where I found an article one time where they were talking about a personality disorder, but there was a list of tell-tale signs for it. It may have been sociopath, I’m just not remembering at the moment.
What they said in that article was if there were, say, nine clear symptoms listed and the person had one or two, then they were on the low end of that scale (all of us, according to the article, have certain aspects of any disorder)… the low end is what they consider “normal” in any given person.
It is when you go upwards on the traits that you find the medium range and of course, the full blown sociopath (or other).
I know there are websites out there where people post their stories of being with a socio, when in fact, clearly though the stories and based on my reading of the information on diagnosis of a socio shows the person is not a sociopath but of some other diagnosis (including an alcoholic)
Even my own therapist told me that an alcoholic can also be mistaken for a sociopath (please correct me if this isn’t the case positivagirl).
Most of them do not want to be found out – so therefore they never get correctly diagnosed and if they ever do consent to therapy, even in that situation because of their charm and wit (and I also believe them to be highly intelligent/always 10 steps ahead of everyone else) – it is quite difficult to diagnose with absolute certainty.
I’m sorry to hear of your circumstances jef, but it’s inspirational to also see where your own journey has led you to at this point in your life. WTG!
Love the post, Positivagirl! I notice there are a lot of people out there that need help!!! But , I’m loving myself everyday! I FEEL GREAT! I have control over me again! It feel good to be free and not control! I’m living my life again, not looking back! I don’t every have to hear or see the SP! Take care of yourself, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
Kay how long did it take you to feel normal again? I am a little over 2 mos and I just want to die. Actually I feel like I am dying – the sadness is just not going away – My God I don’t know what to do. I am so scared
Hey huni, I am exactly the same. Its been just over a month for me, and 13 days of no contact from me and 7 from him. I am struggling so much! Big hugs to you hun x
I know, it hurts…. well done you for 13 days of No Contact. tomorrow is 2 weeks, make sure that you REWARD yourself with something nice for managing two weeks.
We need rewards when we are giving something up.
We broke up when he moved in with the OW, Aug 1st! He sent me divorce papers as part of his game( he filled it out himself with all the wrong information) that was Aug 16th! I was shock on Friday the day I was serve with him saying don’t sign the papers! Saturday I cried. Sunday I was like Fuck him, and Monday I found a letter and counter sued bring the abuse out in the open!!! I actually found out about him being a SP about two weeks later!!! When I realize I was in a fake marriage, relationship, and most important he was fake my feelings change real fast. Plus, my life was in danger he is the mean SP! He can not control his emotions! So I had to take care of my business these people play games with your life and livelihood! I would have list my life, or my freedom! Because you just want to hurt them for the way they are treAting you!!! We were official divorce oct 2nd because the waiting period was wave because of his assault charge against me!!!! Keep reading about SP you will make sense of what happened to you and you will heal faster!!! I promise!!!
Tonielea26, It took me a little bit as well. I was devastated, crying every hour of every day for over 2 months. Not being able to think of anything else but him. It was horrible. Slowly, understanding starts to sift in. The crying reduced to once or twice a day then to once every few days to now not at all – or once in a blue moon but i am not crying over him, i am crying over the lost dream.
Do lots of reading about sociopaths/narcissists/psychopaths until one fits your ex and his behaviors and let it sink in. Also l found looking into healing myself, finding my issues that led me to be with someone like this, helped massively as well. I have codependency tendencies and have family of origin wounds that i am now healing. Get some professional help and find a councilor that you can relate too (it may not be the first one). I am now almost five months from break up and i feel like my life is mine again and that I am going to be better than i was before i met him. There is still some pain and occasionally some questioning and wishing for the dream, but It does get easier. Much easier.
Try and be brave. You are stronger than you know. You will get through this a better, stronger, more able person. It will just take some time.
Be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up for being like this. Accept this is the now but it wont be the future. You will get through the pain and learn from the experience and be a better fuller person for it if you choose to be.
big hugs xx
also tonielea26… I went on antidepressants. The dose the dr first put me on was too strong and made me anxious so i cut it down to half and it has been great. i don’t feel numb, i still have full range of emotions but it just took the edge off. This means that i can still process and heal properly but i am no longer depressed.
Hi Tonilea, so sorry, i know what u mean & have some idea of what u going thru. I was like that too & still think of ex daily, but dont feel the raw hurt no more, its fading, thank god. Its been 2mths for me too.
I really found hypnotherapy, spiritual healing to be of help, cut the soul ties/cord from the ex. Hypnotherapy is like guided meditation, it relaxes u & guardian angels come, & give healing while u under light trance but u still awake just more relaxed. it helped to let go alot, as i tend to go over, hang onto past hurts & past ex’s, due to my aspergers. Having a good Hypnotherapist makes all the difference. I was amazed how lighter i felt after 1st & 2nd session, when i out of the light trance. Also had prayer by church prayer warrior ladies, to cut the cord with ex, they prayed for me to have gods protection, holy spirit, angels protection. I felt the holy spirit & felt happy energy, felt spirit with the hypnotherapist. Hope that helps. also doing craft, reading books, & keep reading this site helps. also reading books on pyschology or anything helps. Also walking, friends, family, or get a pet helps. I hope u feel better soon Toni, I will pray for you, keep you in prayers. luv & light, dragonfly xxx
Toni – keep going.
When I kicked my socio out, I can’t tell you how many tears and how much snot I disposed of and was thinking of the old adage “crying is good for you” which I found to be not true in this case – I did not feel better 😦
I also felt very alone at night and would sob and try to use the Bible verse that God would never leave or forsake me. This went on for a LONG time.
When I would go to therapy, the sobbing would continue and it was discouraging because finding out the truth – you were genuine and your socio was not at all, hurts worse than any other relationship break up in my opinion. It is like you lived a genuine life that was in reality, nothing but a lie. (and if you are not in therapy – GO, there are free resources out there for mental health, use them if you can’t afford it)
You sound quite distraught and I feel that pain personally because many of us have been in that same place.
It took a very long time for me to get to a point of emotional detachment from my socio and that is what you are aiming for. Once you reach that point, you can then, at the very least, start to heal that part and accept it. It doesn’t mean you will ever forget or like it, but accepting it can help you move forward even in small ways.
Also remember this – YOU have no time frame for healing. I know what it’s like to want it all erased NOW and it is hard to see any progress we do make, no matter how small, as significant.
Toni – please take care and know that you can do it! Like I said, if you are not in some sort of therapy, please consider it and allow yourself to grieve the all the losses that you suffered.
You will heal and recover and become stronger every day. I hurt so bad it was unbearable, I read through the texts he had sent and the emails constantly. He even had broken off with the new gf and came back to me, only to con me out of money and then three days later went back to her. I went to a therapist who understood my pain, since she was a victim and far from my mental abuse, she was involved with a sociopath that had put a hit out on her and had her shot. Mine was not abusive in any way other than mentally, but I knew I did not want it to esculate into that kind of behavior either. I started to gain knowledge and read the websites of Sociopaths every day, reading others stories and identifiying with them..knowing how they work and reading everything about him except his name on the description was eyeopening.
I stopped all contact on Oct 9, 2013. I was love bombarded by every sense of the word but I was also his challenge he couldnt break down. we were only together for a year. And he was everything I ever wanted..the illusion and mirror image of me…but then the lies, the womanizing, the cheating..it all added up..and he even told me, he shouldnt of cheated on me, but he wasnt sorry for it. Yet he had always said, I was the ONE, the one he truly loved with all of his heart..I was wife number 7. Now he is working on wife number 8 and in two short months has changed her life..she quit her job to be with him in his semi full time..he also had me do this…her two sons moved in with their dad because they couldnt stand him, after one week he was bossing her teenagers and that didnt go over well…so she now went from mother of the year to not even talking to her sons over him..he has conned her into the illusion. She is nothing more than the next target/victim. None of his relationships have lasted over 3 yrs..as that is a pattern for many of them. There was no mourning over our relationship, a sure sign of a sociopath..jumping from one bed to another is not normal.
I think of him every day, at first I still drove by his house and it proves nothing but wasting my gas. We went to divorce court yesterday, he did not even dress for the occasion, he was shocked I had even come, since I told him I wouldnt ever show up. He in turn told them he did not have my money to repay me, and that alone made me in total control and I had a smile on my face. i realized he wasnt all that. He is with some fat fake blond, he is 45 and has never owned anything to give to a woman. He lives at his mothers home for free, he owes on everything, which is all on wheels. And the new gf owns a shack of a house that he no doubt will have her sell and use her money then throw her out broke and homeless and without the aid of her boys. Its all part of his game. As for me I have the front row seat to my life just a short year ago. he is doing the same pattern with her as he did with me and we can see how it ends. She thinks she has a prize..he is no prize.
He was so pissed yesterday knowing he was no longer in control..and it felt good. Especially since I quit the contact and he knows it and from me once thinking he was all that, he can see hes nothing to me and it was a great feeling. You will get there, you will realize that they can settle for anyone..you can date, you know what you want and what you dont want, you can see the signs not to be involved with someone like that again. Know that he has chosen to settle for the first thing/supply that came along. You have the power and it is rewarding when you come face to face with him and you know how much better you are than to be involved with a loser like that.
Pray and give it to God everyday, he loves you when no one else does. He will stand by your side Always. God will not leave or deceive you and for now you need to feel his control, not that of the sociopaths. You will still wonder what hes doing, you will still think of him everyday, but now he is not driving by, he is not caring who your with. Why waste time on someone who dont want you, if he wanted you he knows how to reach you. I promise you in the long run, its his loss and just like yesterday, I put it in his face, he was the loser. If anything, it delayed his plans of marrying her this year, which is what he probably had planned..lol..last laugh is on him. I wasnt in no hurry to get divorced, I’m not getting married or wanting to and I wasnt getting my money yesterday, so yes I can wait until Feb for a divorce hearing..but then so will he..lmao..tell that to the new gf baby..lol Prayers to you, you are a stronger than you give yourself credit. Dont be the one who looks pathetic to him, he is the pathetic one.
No contact since Aug. 21st!!! 🙂
Yay go you!!
Thank you so much for this post. As always very timely for me. I am really struggling at the moment. So thanks
I haven’t read this post yet nor everyones comments, but before i do i wanted to share a dream i had last night… it may be totally off track but it was enlightening for me.
As some back ground, i have been going to therapy and have been learning about meditation, breathing and sitting in the present by being aware of how my body feels in the moment.
Last night i had a dream that my sister was getting it on with an ex boyfriend (lets call him Dave) that I once cared for very much (and have recently started dreaming about). Our relationship (Dave and mine) was a beautiful one. We connected emotionally like i have not with any other man. But due to reasons outside our control, we had to break up. After him, i did not have a relationship for 5 years until i met the Sociopath. (my emotional connection with the Soc was no way near the depth i had with this man – but with my ex soc we “fit” like i had with no other)
So the dream was my sister getting on with Dave and me finding out. The feelings of betrayal by my sister were overwhelming. When i woke up the feelings continued, so i did my breathing exercises and examined how my body felt and where these feelings resided. As i was feeling them, i realised that they were the same to a lot of the pain that i felt when my ex Soc broke up with me. That i felt Betrayed and deceived by him. This was a new revelation to me. That I felt this so strongly and that these feelings still linger now, 5 months later. I suddenly realised that I was hanging on to this pain of betrayal. I then also realised that everyone i have ever cared about in my life has betrayed me, whether on purpose or through selfish actions, Everyone… except my mum who died when i was 16.
I am still analysing what this means (though i am now at work so it will have to wait till later) but my awareness brings to light what is true. It was his Betrayal. He has the problem. It was not my fault. He is a sociopath and he will do the same thing to everyone he meets and manipulates. For some reason it has also helped solidify that he is a sociopath (not that i need anymore proof) and that the dream he painted was never real and just an illusion to get what he wanted. I used to think that some part of him felt love for me and that he really wanted the dream in the same way i did, but now i dont’ think he did. His betrayal was complete, he knew what he was doing. It was not love that he did it for. It was for his own personal gain. He completely deceived and manipulated my love and good nature for his own gain. How i felt meant nothing to him. This pain, this betrayal hurts. Still. How do you get past this? how do you heal this?
Now i am aware, I hope this will be one of the final steps to completely healing.
But i feel that because everyone i know has done this to me, that i am deserving of it. Rationally, i know that this is not true, but emotionally this digs deep.
thank you for letting me write this. I am interested in anyones thoughts on this.
Maybe your mum was helping you from spirit whilst you slept. That is what I think happened. She was helping you to release. I was told that they can come to you to help whilst you sleep. Does that sound far out?
This is my favourite site for dream interpretation http://www.dreammoods.com/
thanks Pos. xxxx
Beautiful blog, thanks for sharing. “The only thing holding you back is YOU!!” …… So true.
oh thank for this post Positiva.
Its going to be 2 months in 5 days since NC. GOd willing one day at a time!
It has been quite the roller coaster—I jumped into 12 step meetings around 1 month after the break up.
It was really painful & confusing, withdrawls something awful–BUT the withdrawls show you the part of you that needed to surface the whole time–its all the postponed pain that you can not run away from (though we tried through SOC).
The withdrawls are essential to to show you your fears, and within it is also your wholeness!!
I only wish I started meetings ASAP–but I had such brain fog, delay (PTSD) and confusion almost like shell shock–it took me that long to just begin to put the SOC puzzle together and begin to awaken.
I am making 90 12 meetings in 90 days (they say it takes that long to recover/ replace a habit)–and already getting so much more honest with/ about my heart–and my own worth! People in recovery are the most mentally healthy as they deal honestly with themselves and each other–supporting one another and God’s grace is at the center. Its all receptivity to grace & love.
Its Community, just showing up for myself (instead of a fake prince charming) and others in recovery each day, moment by moment–some days better than others–and reaching out to friends–and praying EVERY day for hours some days –has been essential and all these things are me “love bombing” myself in a sincere, gradual, blessed way! So really, the idea of the love bomb has come in handy–only Its God showing me so much love and the true protection (that I misunderstood hostage/protection rescue/rescuer SOC) by all these little love bombs of prayer, acts of kindness etc–my true identity as Be Loved is beginning to shine forth little by little. Recognizing that I limited myself–by second guessing ” that ” something I couldn’t put my finger on–it/I got negatively, manipulatively, love bombed from the Soc and I wound up settling for something dangerous-out of fear and lack–I agree with Positiva and understanding that as the Be LOVED daughter of the KING of KIngs—I lack for nothing!! ALL things are possible for those that follow the HEALER/COUNSELOR/TEACHER who s mercy, forgiveness and love is endless and infinite!!! He works miracles, when we are open & trusting to God’s will–and not our own. I can see how when I am obedient to the natural law of love–I am protected & blessed within true, pure love. I chose this now!
I started counseling last week only two sessions but my counselor is already working with me on changing my thought patterns/residue from falling for fake love—Im combating the thoughts that are left over from Soc–even so subtle almost subliminal !!! Bananas. I am so grateful for every day of NC and in general the opportunity to tweak my life–now that I see a little more clearly my love deficit–and as regularly repeated here–joy, happiness and a life well lived is up to me–no man or other person or reason, situation, circumstance etc–mind over matter–and my heart is guarded in the love of my rock & refuge- Jesus Christ. He has rescued me and given me free will to live our the promise & purpose full of abundant grace!!! I have been given a gift, and for this gratitude to live the best life possible.
Today, I went to prayer/spiritual AA meeting ( I have been sober for 21 years–and still was vulnerable–as I have love deficit that led me to dangerous man), then I went to mass, then I took myself out on a breakfast date, then I went to chapel to Adoration–studied scripture & journaled (this is new as of the the last 2 months!) then I went to another meeting–then came home did some errands & set up sacred space in my home for a little rehab if you will-ppeaceful uncluttered space to dream big & recover. It has been huge to be part of something bigger & supportive–instead of isolating & fear. But its all in our own time–that dang delay set me back–on my heels and spun my world around & upside down. THe meetings and now counselor is very grounding. The danger I was in still unfolds–as I remember more and more little things said, done, facial expressons etc–but I am getting stronger, my strength is returning from love, sending love, love from God, support from the 12 steps, love from others prayer, and from helping each other by showing up. I am showing up for me, I can trust me, I always could–but did not trust my intuition w SOC–I started to deny its full power. I reclaim all the beautiful pieces of my heart, mind, spirit–and I am not doing it alone, but I have made the decision to chose LOVE –for myself–I am selfish for my own recovery & healing–I am worth THAT Much and more–and so are all you ladies–thank you for your honesty and for showing up on this site–Positiva this was the best idea for healing–writing & sharing is sooo dang therapeutic–we lift one another and that’s exactly what its all about–no matter what we effect each other–the soc negatively–but we chose how we let things in or out–Im chosing positivity too–as it is contagious–thank you Positva & all posters–ladies & gents. EL PS I guess its been a good day! Working towards more
Great to hear you having a good day and making such positive steps in recovery el woo hoo go you!!
Amen on coming out of the brain fog. Sometimes I see woman on TV and cops not believing something happened months after a relationship like this ends because the woman didn’t bring it up right away.
I can testify to the fact that you really do *not* put things together until the fog lifts and you see things for what they were (especially if you were also abusing some sort of substance as well – mine was alcohol).
Even then, it doesn’t come all at once. I know for myself, I would put a piece in there and go hmm – then four months later, be driving down the road and a thought came in and added to that piece (there are MANY puzzles with these people). Furthermore, you don’t want to believe it – you think you must be crazy to not have seen that and in essence – start trying to create yet another “fantasy” of that couldn’t possibly be right.
I am often irritated by people on TV who don’t get this, yet I also know that unless you have been there – you likely can never understand it.
Congrats on your move forward – keep going!
Do they ever go away? Our divorce is next Friday, finally. After 7 months of marriage I had enough of the lies and deception of cheating. Should be a simple divorce, I never even took his last name or had a joint bank account. I was smarter than the average woman, since I was wife number 7. He is grooming her the exact same to her as he did me.
I got a letter from a law director today where he had her file a complaint of harassment and stalking and yet I’ve never seen the woman, not alone have any form of contact with her. Its unbelievable how his drama continues and she is a pawn in his game now. He filed the same charges on wife 6 and I would not be a part of it, I was not needy and was not into the trouble.
She is his next victim..his pattern is identical to the same thing he did with me, he is now doing with her. He is a semi driver and he had me quit my job and go in the truck with him to travel just to be with him..She has now done the same thing and its only been two months of dating. Wait until they get into a fight and he kicks her out of his truck at a truck stop in the middle of no where.
He ruined every holiday for us and Thanksgiving last year was out first holiday and it was fine, not great because he was also still married at the time and his family just looked at me like I was the other woman, or maybe they looked at me like I was just his new sucker., but Xmas and every holiday after that was a nitemare.
I almost relish in the thought that she thinks she has such a prize and she has nothing. I am so much better off to be free of his pyscho behavior. I’m out and free, and besides having his trouble and drama of harassement coming to me in the mail over her is just part of his game.
Im hoping he will just leave me alone after next Friday. How many believe he has now found his soulmate in the future wife number 8? Would it be possible.?
Err no. I don’t believe he has found his soulmate in wife no 8 do you?
As for her filing a letter of stalking and harassment. Oh who knows what he is doing. But you do know he is lying about you playing victim and making you out to be the fall guy. They are pathetic like that.
I would imagine unless he has proof (sounds like he doesnt), just laugh at how pathetic he is. She now has his drama to cope with.
His complaint was probably to make sure you know he has another woman 🙂 they are like children!!
Congratulations Genie, I just got divorce Oct. 2nd, from my ex SP. if you don’t respond to him he will go away. He is going to try to still do things to get a reaction from you as long as you don’t give it to him you will be fine. I have a permanent restraining order on him and he was in court saying he want one! I was like “cool!” Remember they don’t think long term just right now. So. He has to do little things like sign me up on dating websites or calling my house phone private caller, or my favorite still having certain mail sent to the house so I can know he living the good life with the OW, all a show!!!! You will be fine but you still have to check and be aware of your surroundings. I don’t put anything pass him, he is the distemper SP. so, I’m save because he has an assault charge of a family member , so he can go to jail and be charge with a felony!! I don’t think he is trying to go there but he so crazy he probably think it is just for me, if he attack me. But if he attack the OW it won’t effect that!!! And the crazy thing the OW had a order of protection on him a few years ago. So, you can’t be concern about the OW, they are going to have to figure it out! Hey I laugh about your statement about your soon to be ex family! I experience the same thing with his family they are very strange they know that their son have a problem and they are sitting back to see how long you will tolerate their BS!!!!
thank you mcc81 I really hope you feel better soon. I just wish I had kind words for you to make you feel better but I just don’t have any except I so know how you feel. Just so sad beyond words and can’t stop crying really hoping someday I can help you all and not be so self absorbed in all this sadness – never in my life would I ever understand someone else in this situation if I was not living it 😦 so unreal 😦 I do pray for all of you
I ended a relationship with a sociopath 3 yrs ago. It ended violently, he threatened me that he would cause harm to my 22 yr old daughter and myself if I did not leave the state with him and go to his friends in another state for the holiday. I did so. He attacked me in front of his friends wife. She took me to the hotel. He was arrested and had 3 loaded guns and 2 knives. There are nothing but woods behind this house. I am still frozen when I think of this. Before meeting him, I had a head injury that I still suffer with symptoms. My then 22 yr old daughter had been very verbally abusive for years before I met him. His presence interrupted her behavior. After the break up, she has become better at abusing me.
She is 25 now, an attorney, and continues to be abusive, so I have stopped contact. As soon as he was gone, she was so happy to have control back, so I was never able to reunite with friends. I spend more and more time in bed. I am depressed, suffer anxiety, and feel like I have no reason to live anymore. I don’t know how to love myself. I have been in bed for days. I have many medical problems too. It is very unfortunate I know, because realistically, I have a masters degree, I have been a good person and friend to others, I am fairly attractive. I just cant bring myself to go out into the world. I dont know how much of it has to do with him or other things. Ten years ago I felt like I had everything in the world I could possible want. (Im not material). I had great kids, friends, a positive outlook, great career and health. I am just very lost now.
A big welcome to this site. I hope that you will find warmth and understanding from the wonderful readers that post on this site.
The first thing that I felt when reading your comment, was = have you had an assessment for PTSD? Additional to this, you describe how depressed you are, I wonder if you are having treatment/taking medication for this?
I am concerned that you are saying that you do not have a life worth living. Do you know that the person that you remember with the happy life, the children, the friends, great career and health – this is still YOU!! (Gestalt therapy is really good for finding the different parts of you) when you feel that your life was ‘over’ a long time ago. You are whole within yourself and you are still this person.
What sadness you must feel at the breakdown of relations with your daughter. No mother wants seperation from their child. I am sure that you must have given it great consideration to make the break. Do you have any other children and are they in your life right now? Are you taking any medication to help you, or seeing a doctor for depression? I am sorry if these questions appear invasive, i am just concerned that you are saying that your life is not worth living.
I can tell you that you can change your world. Find the energy to get back out of bed. It might take some work and some effort and working with a therapist could help you with this. There is nothing in life that is so bad that it is worth taking your life for (Imagine all the good things that you wuold be missing if you did)…. the best of your life might yet be to happen. I know that you have said that you feel so lost right now. You can find yourself. Honestly, in the space of 3 years – I had a full term stillbirth – met 3 psychos, my home of 15 years, all my neighbours that i knew, i moved to a house, where everyone in the street (new housing) had a baby at the same time – within weeks…. each year they have balloons outside of the house, I lost all of my equity in my home, tens of thousands, everything that i had, was diagnosed with severe chronic PTSD, and my brain was literally frozen in shock for many years (I had no connection to the outside world) i went through ruining and smear campaigns x 3, lost my job of 10 years… was financially abused, ended up in thousands of pounds worth of debt, I went from being a mother to a grandmother in 18 months, which triggered the PTSD and made me ill, a year after my daughter died, my eldest daughter moved abroad. 3 months after my granddaughter was born, i sat and held my grandmothers hand as she died (she was like my mother), I fought a legal case against work…. and have been battling a legal case for when my daughter died for many years now…. I was abused in every way. Every thing that I knew as my life was gone.
it was burned to the ground. Imagine hell…. well times that by 10000…. i would look in the mirror and felt blank, I didn’t recognise me, or my life anymore…. how could I go on?
Today – I am happy. During that time i learned a lot. The most important thing was the power of NOW. Of living for today and right now. You see, I had no choice. Right now was all that I had for a very long time. The rest was just a ‘white space’ there was no future (PTSD). it literally didn’t exist. I could write so much…. but i wont. I just want to say that you really can come the other side of this. If you want to… yes it is going to take determination and hard work. But you are not alone. There are many of us, whose lives have been absolutely destroyed.
All of the above that I write happened in 3 years (and is probably only 20% of it) but those are major things. I used tools that i had learned, a liftetime working with homeless people, to change my life. You have made the very first step by reaching out to ask for help…. this is step one – Well done you!!…
Talk, if you feel desperate (I don’t know where you are) – but in the UK there is an organisation called the Samaritans…. they just listen. Sometimes it is good to just talk. You are valuable. Please email me at email@example.com if you need further support.
Thank you so much for your encouragement positivegirl. I was diagnosed with ptsd a few months into the relationship with the sociopath. Dec, 2008, my daughter came home for christmas break and although I told the sociopath not to drive over an hour to my house after work at 11 pm, he did anyway. My daughter and I stayed up talking til very late. When I went to bed, he pouted. When his alarm went off, I asked him to not come to my house until after his busy season at work. He packed things up. (did not live with me) but had some things to take. He was very angry. After some time, he wanted to come back into my room and I would not allow him to go back upstairs so he called the police. I had worked in a profession that allowed me to know prosecutors, magistrates, and some police. I also had shared with him how many cops were dirty. Anyway, bf claimed to have background in law enforcement. Talked to cop at door. At this point, nobody had raised their voice. Cop said he arrested me. I said I had never been arrested. He asked if I was calling him a liar. After the cop put a gun in my face in front of my daughter, he assaulted me and carried me away. Took me to an alley and dumped me in an ambulance. I am having surgery on my arm for injury in a couple weeks. Verbally abused me for an hour. Said I would be searched and hosed down. Thank goodness my daughter called friend who is prosectutor. Cop was told to bring me back. Everybody knows what happened, but nobody stood up. I was paraded around exposed with people I use to work with.
I was stalked a few years before this. My grandaughter died of SIDS, my quadropalegic nephew was shot to death in his bed. I have 2 other daughters. One lives far away in Utah, the other is local.
I am on meds and was seeing a therapist, but my insurance took both away. They gave me another med that caused high blood pressure and I got very ill. Without any med, the depression really set in, then they did give me my meds back.. Without the meds, I thought a lot about suicide. I guess they are working because I am not thinking that way, I just dont see any hope. It just feels like if I do make any progress, someone will just step on my head again.
My daughter has done some sociopathic things too, and that really scares me. She stopped payment on a check to me after I deposit ed it. She made up some story about stopping pmt on rent and it could be wrong one. I knew she did on purpose but she denied. I told her father about it because if it came back out of my account I would be far overdrawn. He called me crazy, stating I dont even trust my daughter. Long and short, bank contacted me and since I had spent the money I had hurdreds in fee’s. The bank ended up closing my account so my automatic deposit was in cyber space. Meanwhile, because I had proof, my daughter confessed. After several months, she told me that she told her father that she was going to stop pmt so he knew it the entire time. It took me months to clean up this mess. I call this gaslighting but Im not sure.
I just cant seem to put one foot in front of the other to do anything. It is like I am paralized. I know that feeling of looking in the mirror. It is as if there is no life looking back.
You have been through so much, I dont know how you have survivid and turned it around.I want to be motivated again but I am exhausted.
I will tell you a secret Mary, I, like you, have not had an easy life. Do you know what helps a lot…. that is reaching out and helping other people. Helping others is healing!! When you pour out your heart to help someone else, when you see your story in someone elses story, you are helping yourself too.
You can only take one day at a time, and one step at a time. You have taken an incredible step forward by just writing for help here. If you read comments here, you will see people in varying stages of recovery. Some are hurting so badly, just like you. You know when you have such complex pain in your heart, it can seem an almost impossible mountain to climb to overcome, and to think that it might always be like this.
What yuo need to do, is instead of seeing that past where you were ‘happy’…. realise that the reason you were happy was because you were YOU!! …. you are still you, you just have to find you again. I was going to ask about your daughter and sociopathic tendencies. The other child who lives close to you, are you close to, or does your daughter influence this relationship too?
Thank you for this amazing “how-to” . It’s great. I’m re-reading it and i’m taking notes.
I know – it’s awesome
re-reading it. Can’t get enough.
“We miss the person that you once were, you have changed” : oh god, i know i’ve been there.
My oldest daughter is from my first marriage. Her father was bi-polar and an addict. We were very young parents and he was extremely abusive. She still struggles with the same issues as her father, but we are close. I have 2 more daughters with my 2nd husband. They are 24 and 25. The 25 yr old is local as well, is abusive, and I fear has sociopathic tendencies. The youngest married a Mormon and disconnected from family for a couple of years-I was heartbroke and when I met SP. Her and I have reconnected but she lives 30 hrs away by car. We are in US. The 2 young ones that grew up together do not speak. The youngest and I are very close at heart though far away. I dont think we have ever called each other a bad name. She is very loving and growing up, the older one was very competitive and always stole the thunder. In some ways, I feel like the youngest was neglected-she wasn’t, but her older sister was loud and demanding. They also physically fought. The youngest felt abused by the older as well. I had to cancel appointments on occasion.
As I read through the comments, I wonder if all the men in my life have been sociopaths. I say that half heartedly, but there may be some truth in this.
I know that I need to be helping other people. That is what my job was. I went back to work last winter but there were some problems within the agency I worked for. After I got all security clearances, (state and FBI), they put me in a travel position that I could not physically due well due to arm injuries. In addition, the daughter was making all kinds of physical demands on me as she was approaching graduation. Her and her dad would repeatedly call and beg me to help her move again. (even though I have no use of right arm and serious pain). They coerce, threaten, beg, intimidate, guilt, until I just do it.
I know that even if it is volunteering I need to do something to help others. Life has lost meaning as I have known it. Very wise advice. I have trouble leaving my house now though. I am going to keep reading posts here for sure.
So…. if you recognise your exes many of them in the comments here. You can help other people. You can set so that you receive a reply to a certain post. When someone cries out for help, you can respond. Give of your heart and of your experience. Helping others will help you. This might help to boost your confidence and self esteem too.
Wow – I’ll be watching this website. This is the 2nd article I’ve read and it is wonderful!
One thing that hit me (and I haven’t had time to read all the comments, so I’m not sure others were also hit by this statement) was this:
“Some people ask, have I became a sociopath? I cannot seem to love anymore?” ………it’s almost shameful for me to say that I have actually thought this of myself! It is said that people you are with mirror back what you actually are – so this actually seemed to be a logical thought that I entertain at times and you are right on with the fear thing!
Thank you for more enlightenment!
I think it is because they control you so much you end up feeling numb. Feeling nothing. Just empty inside. They have the ability to suck the life force out of you. On top of that they can get you into trouble you never otherwise would. I don’t think they turn us into one. But we become like one to defend ourselves and cope. However if you hear the song by Henry Rollins liar he says in that song I”ll turn you into me I”ll turn you into me cos I’m a liar a liar a liar.
I am in a relationship, with my boyfriend of 6 years. It’s still very difficult. I love him very much. I like to think he’s “normal”. Whatever that is. Lol. I have a lot of boundaries still. He laughs at me. Not mean, he knows my heart is hurt, and I have a lot of distrust. But he has been too. So we just work through it. Most importantly, he’s my best friend. So thats the relationship we work the most on.
The Bible talks about the evil making others twice the heathen then are. I think a worry about whether we’ve become sociopathic (evil?) ourselves is an admission that what we’ve been exposed to has tempted us and caused us to do things we normally wouldn’t. Are we corrupt at the core? Are we the evil ones? I’ll put it like my therapist puts it: You are good if you choose to be good, evil if you choose to be evil. Difference is, we have a choice—doesn’t make us sociopaths.
My spath was very into alternative/metal music and one song that I loved which he played for me was by Pantera called This Love. Under his influence, I liked a bunch of this music – which he knew that was one of the sacred things to me, music. After leaving him and really listening more to the lyrics as they related to ‘him’ – this song, along with many others, spoke to his sickness.
I was amazed at how much of the music that I allowed also to brainwash me had to do with power over another person.
I will look up the song you mentioned here and ty
I was in an emtionally (occassionally physically) abusive marriage for 7 seven years. He cheated numerous times. Basically completely broke me down. We were divorced for 5 years when I met the most amazing man. We got married about a year ago, and I find myself behiving like I’m in my previous marriage. He is not abusive in any way at all, exact opposite. He’s supportive, open, caring, honest. Everything you would want in a partner. And yet I am still in the way of thinking that I’m not good enough, he won’t like my suggestions, etc. It’s gotten so bad that we are separating. I’m currently seeing a counselor, and trying to work on me – something that I should have done along time ago. I honestly thought I was doing well. I would go out with friends, I was going to school. We got married and I haven’t been out with my friends since – not because I’m not allowed – he told me all the time, “call so and so” etc. I stopped going to school. I don’t know why. I hate my job, he’s encouraged me to look for something else – but I don’t.
Don’t get me wrong, he has demons to work out too. I’m just hoping I’m not too late to truly “fix” me.
You are never too late to ‘kind of’ fix you 🙂 I say kind of as nobody is perfect and we are all working and healing in transit … Always changing and always growing.
Maybe before wasn’t the right time to work on you, and maybe right now is. I hope that your counsellor is good… Just take one day and one step at a time.
AbusI’ve people brain wash you and it can take a while to undo the damage caused. You were with someone for 7 years who was abusive, so be realistic about time frames for recovery. The abuse didn’t happen overnight, so be realistic about time frame for healing too 🙂
I am so thankful for this post. The negative thoughts and feelings are so hard to contend with when the person you love promotes them.
Calling my old best friend is at the top of my “to-do” list now.
Thank you so much! This was very useful & made me realize there is still hope for a happy life:)