How visualisation technniques can help you to leave an abusive relationship!


Your mind is powerful. You will know this from being in the relationship with the sociopath. They use illusion to create confusion and to weild control over you. What the sociopath is deliberately doing, aside from creating dependency and addiction, is planting visualisation of false images into your mind. This is mind control.

Hanging out with a sociopath you can end up doing things that you never otherwise would. They warp your mind. This is why there is a fog of confusion when the relationship ends. You have been abused, manipulated and controlled, what is worse is mind control.

Types of visualisation that the sociopath does to delude, deceive, manipulate and control you:

  • Telling you what a good person they are (repeatedly to reinforce this in your mind)
  • Painting black pictures about you and your past
  • Pictures in your mind of a bright and beautiful future (that will never happen)
  • Lies – telling you the opposite of what is true to cause confuse you, and knock you off balance
  • False allegations and confessions
  • Tapping into the inner you – your needs, wishes, hopes and dreams, and using words to sell your own dreams back to you
  • Painting false images of others in your mind (what they said, what they did)
  • Wildly exagerrated pictures of a fantastic future
  • Accusing you of what they are guilty of doing themselves

All of the above and many more examples that I am sure you can think of. However, this post is not about the sociopath, it is about you.

You have the rights to the thoughts in your mind – you have the rights to think as you wish. YOU have the power to control your mind!! Change your thinking – change your world!

What happens after the relationship has ended is that you still have these images in your mind – especially

  • The pictures of a wonderful future
  • How good a person the sociopath really is
  • Their victim mentality past
  • The picture that the sociopath paints – to tell you how amazing their life is now without you

These images in your mind can continue to dominate and control you, long after the relationship has ended. The sociopath will tell you over and over how great a person they are, and how lucky you are to have them in your life. The images of a lost future (that were merely words) – but they were YOUR hopes and dreams and these can be difficult to let go of.

The power of visualisation

Just as it was a powerful tool for the sociopath to use against you. It is also a powerful tool for you to use on yourself. You are now free. You are in charge of the thoughts in your mind. When you were with the sociopath, and for as long as you allowed it, even after the relationship has ended (why no contact is important) the sociopath was in control of the thoughts in your mind. It is now time to take back control of you!

The most important visualisation technique is the one that you have in your mind of the sociopath. As you know the sociopath would have repeatedly told you that they were a good person really, or a great person, the sociopath would have offered you a bright and glittering future that matched your dreams (but not reality) and the sociopath would have painted a picture of them having a great fantastic time now they are not with you. How great their life is now. How wonderful, how successful they are….

You do know what I mean?

Each time, the film starts to run in your head, of a person who was so great. So amazing, how they promised you all of your dreams and now they are happily living this dream with someone else, i want you to find an image in your mind. This is going to be your new image of the sociopath. This is going to be an image that is more realistic with who the sociopath is.

What kind of images?

It needs to be strong, it needs to be visual. It needs to be an image that is graphic and will show you realistically how harmful the sociopath is for your life.

Instead of thinking of this wonderful person that you heartbreakingly lost – think instead (choose your own) as it needs to mean something to you!

  • A cigarette…. blowing smoke, the smoke…. spells CANCER….
  • A snake with a forked tongue to reflect the lies, that forked tongue can hurt you, can even poison you
  • A venemous spider…. crawling towards you, just one bite can be fatal, and take your life
  • A house as a pack of cards falling, reflecting the destruction the sociopath causes
  • A scorpion
  • The devil with the mask of an angel
  • The emporors new clothes

I could carry on and really go to town (I was quite enjoying that) …. sit down, find your space – and choose your image. This will now be your new realistic image of the sociopath – each time they come into your mind. Each time (if they do) contact you. No matter what they do or say, replace this image in your mind – with YOUR image.

This is taking back control


Try not to focus on losses, they have happened. You cannot change them. Instead, focus on how you can rebuild those losses for YOU.

The sociopaths new wonderful life

When you replace your image of the sociopath amazing person, with your own graphic image, it will sink in that they will create carnage and damage in their ‘new life’. As you can see them for who they are.

Reclaim YOUR dreams!

Rememer that your dreams were yours. If the sociopath was selling you a bright and beautiful life in the future that you were so desperate for. Remember that these are YOUR dreams. Now they are busy selling someone else their dreams. Whatever their dreams may be. You now have your dreams back for you.

Sociopath illusion – if you stay in contact

Just as the sociopath worked hard paint a picture of illusion whilst with you. They will do the same when the relationship is over. After all there is nothing that they love better than winning and being in control.

What visualisation image will you use to replace the image the sociopath has painted in your mind? Be creative? What can you come up with?

For me – I love the cigarette… and the smoke of cancer. As it shows to me, that I can choose to smoke it if I wish. It is an addiction, I can delude myself in my mind it is something that I enjoy – yet the when I visualise it, i see the smoke of cancer…. which is death, which can kill me. End my life.

What about you?

The sociopath uses illusion to control and create confusion….. so use illusion to undo the confusion 🙂


63 thoughts on “How visualisation technniques can help you to leave an abusive relationship!”

  1. Is there anything you can do to exercise any control over the sociopath? most people can be reasoned with, have a conscience to be appealed to. What they are afraid of seems to require drastic and risky action to execute.

    For once I didn’t back down to my son’s mother’s bullying and control and didn’t answer an e mail. Nothing big, but she went nuts and stalked my apartment while my son was with me.

    She sees nothing wrong with this and has convinced her boyfriend it was about a basketball class!!!

    Agreements count for nothing, threats of court don’t bother her, verbal abuse is just ammunition and works against me. I am detaching from her as completely as possible. But some insight into something she may take seriously would be helpful. Thanks.

    1. I found that the only thing that did work, was mirroring their own behaviour. (see the post how to get even). However, its not recommended, if you have children, if the partner is violent – or if you have anything further to lose).

      However, this just keeps playing the game with the sociopath. Can you not just have access with your son arranged through a court order? Court agreed visitation rights? Just go through the legal procedure?

      1. I agree you can’t “win”, but you can ward them off more quickly if you make sure they never see any emotional response from you. I suppose this is mirroring their detached, cold, behavior. I’ve used it, and it really works.

        The moment you try to defend, plead, argue, discuss, yell, cry, etc. You have lost a game you didn’t even realize you were playing.

        Not answering her email is the perfect solution, sure, she reacted really badly, but at least then SHE is the one looking like a lunatic while you look like the calm rational one. Meanwhile she was hoping for the opposite outcome. Truth is NO one wins in these games, but to her, she definitely did not win that one.

    2. Thanks guys, a large part of my problem was, at first, not understanding she was a sociopath.. so getting upset at her behaviour, unbelievable callousness, open lies and lack of any feeling or remorse… this was after 6 years of being told how much I was loved, then being half aware, so letting hope in and thinking things could get better… she never once even agreed to think about us going into mediation and when I asked her to e mail me letting me know where she hoped we would all be in the future and how she thought we could get there…. no answer, 3 years on.

      Hope was always the enemy. Also the expectation of some reason or logic. But that was so frustrating. Now she makes out she was the one suggesting mediation and I rejected it!

      But that’s over now. You need to know there is no hope to have hope elsewhere and do all you can in areas you can make a difference. I can only be a great dad for my son. I cannot change her. Nothing I could have done would have made any difference.

      It was really weird to see her show her true self like that. I think it was the first time she didn’t feel in control…. if I did that every time she didn’t respond etc. even once in fact, it would be put as proof of my lunacy!

      The mirroring is a good idea, I try it, but keeping up appearances for my son and responding normally to when she is putting on her “nice” act, leaves me very open. I start to think kindly of her. It ail be hard.

      It is also hard to treat it like a game, when it is my son’s happiness I want. It feels wrong to do it, but I think I must.

      Ye PG, I can’t get even and it is only taking from me to try, let alone the worry of what she would do. She has no qualms about using my son, but I think she doesn’t want that side seen. So I don’t want to rock the boat there.

      Blue, ye the argument to decency or conscience is a really bad, well ridiculous one…. she can’t feel those things and it only gets me upset and thinking of how un-fair she is being. Again, ridiculous, of course she is like that.

      I think the way to keep things as stable as possible, no contact, remove emotion will strangely bother her. I think she feeds of the situation and it helps her divert her new boyfriend. In fact I don’t even think it would be good if he realized the truth. God knows what would happen.

      It’s so weird how her mask dropped with me not answering. for less than 12 hours and overnight.

      Thanks again

      1. “The sociopath uses illusion to control and create confusion….. so use illusion to undo the confusion” I liked this, reminded me of “the art of war”… have you read it?

      2. here is a quotation for you

        “If you know your enemy and you know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself you will succumb in every battle.”
        Sun Tzu – The Art of War

        I think it runs with what we are saying, don’t you think?

      3. My ex s was always cool and calm with his ex wife and she appeared completely psycho just like he said she was. So instinctively when it was my turn I realised I’d get no reaction and went completly calm and NC. When I first did this and took control and moved my stuff while he was at work he went absolutely CRAZY ! Violently so. But after a bit when he realised I was not going to react (took about 2weeks) he went dead silent himself. A very big blessing! Mind u, I don’t have a child with him but he did try to manipulate with the 3 frozen embryos we got in IVF.

      4. It seems that cutting yourself emotionally from them sees to be key … it can be so hard, but knowing this and talking to others, hearing the same, helps. No one else will accept, from my experience, your ex is a sociopath… it’s like a taboo, people aren’t comfortable with it.

        Like CBT, recognize your own emotions and reactions. Use that while it is an act, you are hurt, angry… you do want an explanation or the wrong to be admitted. It is getting easier. I still slip, but less and less.

        He tried to use embryos from IVF to control you! That is scary, even worse you went through such an emotional time with him. That really can bond people, you really need each other. The break must have been awful on you. Sound like you did it very well.

        You sound very together : )

      5. Hi Daniel,
        There is so much i could respond to that and one day i will post my whole story on here. You can find bits and pieces of my story on different posts though.

        The final final discard was my ex blindsiding me completely in the middle of IVF. In hindsight he was planning his exit well before i started my second IVF with him. But to my face he was acting like we would be together forever. He is a charismatic sociopath. Too a Tee.
        At the time of the break up, 5 months ago, I was on massive amounts of hormones for the IVF but as with everything he gave me no support. When he ended it, It was horrendous. I cried almost every hour for 2 months, i couldn’t function at work for 3, thank god i have a very understanding boss that believes in me, i lost over 8 kilos (already slim – but tall – so got pretty skinny) couldn’t sleep and when i did i had nightmares of him. I have been through most of the emotions to some degree that everyone has on here. (except PTSD)

        Due to many varying factors, with the biggest being that there has been no contact for 4 months, and also because in my head i was never going to go back no matter what. (I made that decision the moment he dumped me and knew i would not change my mind no matter what he said or did), I have managed to pull myself out of this very quickly. I recently made another large step and find myself in stage 7 of healing (read Pos’s post on the stages of recovery). so if i sound very together now, thank you, it has taken a lot to get here. I have done a lot of therapy and soul searching and inner healing. I actually know so much more about myself now than i did before i met him. There is still residual pain and loss but now i know him for what he is.

        The biggest hurdle for me was getting my emotions to catch up with my rational. I knew rationally that he was a sociopath, but my emotions could not stop loving him and wanting to believe his lies and believe that the dream was real. Recently (within the last two weeks) i can truly say that they are aligned 99% of the time. I still think about him too much but i think that is more because i am having trouble kick starting my new life/goals. Laziness more than anything i think. 🙂

        Your story touched me. As do most here. But to lose your wife and then deal with this horror is so hard. As well so hard for your kids. My mum died when i was 16 and my father and family completely abandoned me. If i may offer some thoughts…and I am sure that you probably do this…but put all your love into your kids. Tell them each day how special they are, spend time with them, go for walks with them, read to them, just be there with them and they will come out of this stronger and healthier. I had an amazing childhood with so much love right up till my mum died…. 2 months later my dad kicked me out of the house. constantly told me i wasnt good enough, never spent anytime with me. Spending this time and love with your kids will be healing for you too. Keep away from this woman. She is nasty and bad and selfish and is only in it for herself, anyone who can treat children like she is yours, particularly after such a loss, is evil.

        I am 42 in 2 months and the chances of me having a child now are so small. he knows this and that is why he was manipulating/threatening to take the embryos from me. but i tell this to you because there are many many good women out there, such as myself, that could love you with all their heart and your children too. Just give yourself and your children time to heal. This is your time with them. Cherish it.

        Sorry for my longwinded answer.. i do tend to go on. 🙂

      6. Hi again Daniel,

        sorry if my comment is confusing… i have accidentally mixed your story with bewildered77’s. But much can be carried to you as well. 🙂

      7. Love the Art of War. Corporate psychopaths have used it as their “bible” for years.

        About games, my SP would get frustrated and claim he “did not have time for my games”, I would respond emotionally with “this is not a game! this is my life!” all fell on deaf ears of course. As usual the SP accuses you of what they themselves are doing, it WAS a game for him, he just didn’t have “time” for it when it wasn’t working out to his advantage. Once you break it down it is so stunningly obvious what they are doing, and then you also know what they will do next.

        I don’t envy you trying to navigate all of this while also trying to set a good example of for your son. All the best to you!

      8. Big time, sociopaths often work this way on instinct, maybe they don’t need to know themselves…. as without empathy or conscience their self has no emotional weakness to be aware of.

        If I actually treated it as a game, it would destroy his chances of being happy and thriving…. wow, I shudder to think. I suppose just not make how seriously I take it, unclear to my sociopath : )

  2. I was just thinking about this earlier today when a line in the song, “Cowboy Cassanova” played… “his words are dripping honey, but he’ll sting you like a bee”. I replaced it with a scorpion because he is a Scorpio.

    I also visualize the things I remember that he must have been doing to others while with me. Like how he stepped away while we were shooting pool to answer adamant calls, or how he purposely “forgot” the phone in the trunk for a full day (my son kept commenting on ringing; he knew exactly where it was).

    I’d never met someone who “forgot to charge” more than him. Knew it was total bull$hit. Just not lies I need to tell myself anymore and can let in the truth.

    1. Jusagirl–We must have been seeing the same loser (he’s a Scorpio also). Mine would say he was going outside for a cigarette—I have asthma so he knew I wouldn’t go outside with him–and he had calls from his “boss” all the time that required him to hang up on me and “forget” to call me back, even though he had a dedicated work phone that he carried and I asked why he didn’t just call that number. No answer. And his phone was always losing its charge–the best excuse was he dropped his phone in the lake. God, when I look back I see that all along it was just a big fat lie. Everything. Thank goodness for this site…you all keep me sane.

      1. They are unbelievable liars. I always told him nobody in the world had that many phone issues. Just doesn’t make logical sense. It was a phone incident that finally made me ready to do this no contact. When I texted him, he said he was glad to hear from me that my # wasn’t programmed. I asked why not, and he said that he had dropped his phone in the toilet and hadn’t put it into this other one. So, thinking about that logically, to be using “this one”, he would’ve had to pull the SIM card from the toilet-saturated one, right? Or he would have no power… and no contact with anyone else. Hmmmm. I let that pass. But when I talked to him the next day and I still wasn’t “programmed”? I’d had it. He told me, “I told you what happened. We are good.” I said, “Are we.” We were not good. He wants to remove me? Well, let me help with that. I sense I’m being hidden from someone. Weakling.

  3. It’s interesting that u posted this today… It was about a week ago that I started visualising him as Ronald macdonald. For a few reasons, I had reread one of ur earlier posts and u mention Ronald macdonald. And it seemed apt because he is just a stupid clown. He is bad for u and full of crap and because his big floppy feet are destructive and will walk over whoever they want to get what he wants. Oh and because of the over the top fake smile. My ex soc is no more real than him.

  4. Cheeseburger. Quick, easy, tasty, short-term satisfaction filled with bad long-term outcomes that will slowly kill me and hurt my heart if I keep eating them every day. He is, “my cheeseburger”.

  5. The sociopath will undermine those qualities you cherish about yourself by acknowledging them (because you shared them) first, and then proceeding to cruelly mix false-validation with insult….leaving you really confused. In the beginning stages of the relationship and this treatment you follow them around like lost-confused puppy. You do this because they have just undermined that which you value about yourself and know to be a true positive attribute but coupled it with an abuser’s praise. The method of this pathology is basically them breaking you down over a period of time and making you feel like only they can validate your worth as a human being. This is how they make you a victim. I remember two instances when I was doing nothing other than taking care of myself. We went to the store (I have a good job and can buy what I want) and I bought stuff I wanted to eat. She is, by her own choice, on welfare and food stamps…she was and is more than smart enough to land a job where she can make more money or finish school …but is too freaking lazy to do so)

    She ridiculed me for buying really good groceries, and actually shamed me. I don’t know why I should feel guilty. I more than take care of my kids (I’m divorced) financially and emotionally) Yet, I felt like crap and thought of her every time I ate that week. ANother time I went to buy a new cannondale bike. On our way over to the bike store she said, ” I need to stop over to the porn shop and buy a new mouse-vibrator because you really don’t do the job for me….no guy can.” I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that becasue I’m a teacher,….we live in a small community, and I’d rather not be seen coming out of a porn ship. That comment shook me.
    When we got to the shop and I started zeroing in on the bike I wanted, she started trying to confuse with bullcrap about other bikes to the point where I politely asked her to stop talking. She blasted out of the store.

    That night we went to a house warming party. Every couple rolled in with bottles of wine …six packs of great beer, great munchies…etc. My Soc proudly presented the hostess with a mouse-vibrator she bought after she left th ebike shop. When she gave it to Mary she proudly announced, “you don’t need a man…this is all you need.” She just wanted to deliver pain. It ws year before I got rid of her. She’s a freaking pyscho and likes torturing any guy she gets in a relaitonshio with. After her comment to th ehostess, I agin for about the 100th time since I’d known her, lit a cigarette and tried to sort through my feelings of humiliation and hurt. She saw the tortured hurt look in my eyes (which is what she was striving for) and told me, “your no fun…F you….I’m going home.”

    God I’m glad I’m free of this bitch. She is a self multiplying negation

    1. I remember the scoffing laugh as I fell apart pleading for her to stop the hurt, to try for our son…. my god, the pain of someone you love, who you thought loved you… becoming this hateful person, no anger in her… just delight in my pain.

  6. I remember mine as the gay transsexual he probably is. Oral sex he’s had w men in his past. Talking to the guy on the phone that was in his life secretly. I remind myself of the profiles I saw on his adult websites. His pitiful naked pictures posted out there but knowing if it wasn’t for Viagra that pic would be null and void! I deserve better than that.

    1. New word for our dictionary PR!

      Limpagra – the condition a soc finds himself in when he runs outta blue pills!

  7. Thank you for this post. I’ve been meditating and trying to replace the images of him all happy with the woman I never knew about so it’s timely for sure. Yesterday I wrote a scathing poem full of images of his destruction—because that’s what he causes. It was quite therapeutic and has helped me put in perspective that perhaps the image of him moving along happily isn’t really accurate. I do believe the universe takes care of these things, even if we don’t know about it (I hope I never do, because that would mean contact, and I am firmly done with him). Thank you again for everything and everyone here. I wouldn’t be half as healed as I feel I am becoming, if it wasn’t for the truth and comfort offered here. Peace to everyone…

    1. Oh and I almost forgot! I also have been editing my digital photos of the two of us, superimposing words like “LIAR, CHEATER, USER” over his face in all of them–he looks like he loves me so much—what a joke. And I took the screenshots of his bullshit texts and edited them with cheater song lyrics over them. All therapy 🙂

      1. B, don’t let yourself be taken over by anger. Expressing it and venting can quickly turn into you still being negatively effected by him. It is only good, in my view and experience, as something to pass through. Otherwise it will become a part of you life and draw focus to negativity from what happened and who he is.

    2. As those images that he painted for you in your mind will eat you up. Change the image to something more realistic. Who you really see him as and the damage he does to you. Good to have you here 🙂

  8. Every time I find myself slipping, and thinking of how great my Soc was – I visualize having to change his diaper. My ex-Soc is a functioning alcoholic – he would successfully polish off a half a bottle of whiskey EVERY evening – by himself. I ignored this issue when I was with him. One reason was: he handled this booze so well, that he wouldn’t change one bit from the first drink of the night to the last – so I’d think “he sure doesn’t look or sound drunk, so he must not be!” and the other reason: I was so blinded by his bombardment, that I refused to acknowledge anything bad, bc hey, he was so perfect! Now – looking back, I see how bad his drinking was/is and he was already consuming that kind of alcohol well before I met him…and continued that way the full three years we were together. He is only in his mid 30’s now…and that kind of daily consumption is going to cause so much damage to his insides, that he is sure to end up in diapers before he knows it. And the person changing them ain’t gonna be me!

    Pos – do you think this high level of alcohol consumption has to do with his sociopathy? After we broke up, my friends (who definitely enjoy unwinding with a couple drinkies) confessed to me that they found his tolerance to alcohol quite alarming. They told me they’d often leave our house asking themselves why someone like him, who so had his sh*t together…great job, great girlfriend, great life…felt the need to drink so much.

    1. I don’t know prophet, but I would say that was a sign of self medicating ….. which would not be a sociopathic trait at all. Sociopaths don’t feel emotional pain, which is usually why people self medicate with drink and drugs.

      That sort of drinking can make someone quite inward looking and disconnected. But I would say it was a sign the person was not a sociopath. It’s to reclusive and self destructive.

      You description sounds like almost the opposite of a sociopath. Someone who is engaging in self destructive behaviour because of difficulty dealing with his feelings. Sociopaths don’t ever have this problem.

      What makes you think he is a sociopath?

      1. I wonder about that Daniel. If they struggle so much with boredom, this wouldn’t this be an entertainment for them. It could even enhance feelings. I know mine became more chatty after drinking. And the sex was better.

      2. maybe, but drinking constantly wouldn’t fit with that. alone it wouldn’t suggest sociopathy at all. A sociopath has no feelings that require that sort of behaviour. They wouldn’t harm themselves in such a way, a obvious warning sign about them and something easy to use against them, just to annoy another person.

      3. looked into it here’s a quote “Most addicts are not sociopaths, but most sociopaths tend to be substance abusers.” So it seems it can be an overlap. But there may be a risk of confusing addiction with sociopathy. So it would be important to be sure they are a sociopath, not “just” an addict. Addicts can behave in a sociopathic way, due to their addiction.

      4. Thanks so much for looking into Daniel! That statement makes a lot of sense. I forgot to mention to you earlier that it was actually my doctor that helped me get to this diagnosis. I was so depressed (typical no eating, no sleeping, completely lost and confused, crying all the time) – that I went to her for counseling. She put me on “no contact” before I even got to the whole Soc thing. One thing she always used to say to me when hearing what he was doing was “he seems to obviously get some kind of sick pleasure from hurting you, and that isn’t a normal, healthy person response”…

        Based on everything I’ve learnt in the last year, I would say he exhibits way more symptoms of a Soc, than an alcoholic.

      5. Hi Daniel,

        Thanks so much for your reply. I have to tell you that my ex-Soc’s drinking is the one thing that has left me totally confused about my diagnosis of him! I’ve always thought the exact same way you described alcoholism in your note above. People drink in excess to numb themselves, right? But a Soc doesn’t feel anything, so why would he need to numb himself from everything?!

        To answer your question about why I think he’s a Soc – almost every article on this site describes my relationship with him – from start to finish. I “saved” him from a psycho ex, and gave him a roof over his head. I was totally assessed by him and then completely bombarded – exactly as Pos’s earlier article describes. Totally charismatic – but he came with zero friends and very little connection to family – his colleagues even said that he reminded them of Dexter. He wanted to move our relationship along very quickly, and move into my house. His goal was to be the male version of me – a successful corporate person. He wanted that kind of power and respect – but didnt know how to get there. I helped him achieve all that – he would tell anyone who would listen that he couldn’t have gotten to where he was without me. I was perfect – and we were going to have the perfect life. The week before the break up, he was asking when I wanted to get engaged bc we were already living together and so happy. We had our first ever fight a few days later (about nothing) – and he left. All of a sudden I was an evil person who made him feel unwanted and unloved. He immediately (same weekend) met another girl and launched into a new relationship. He left all his things in my house for another 2 months, while he was living with her – but I didn’t know about her, or I’d have tossed his stuff onto te lawn. She was given the same story I was when i met him, but this time I was the “crazy ex”. I was either given silent treatment, or told I was the reason we weren’t together bc I didn’t care about him enough. He can’t let this “victim” thing go. In another few months, he already bought a house with the new girl (same time that we were supposed to have bought our house). He used to admit that he was a bit “different” than the average guy….said he had the ability to be cold and feel nothing – he used to describe that as his “Finnish” side (his Dad is part Finnish and according to the Soc, Finn’s are stoic with no emotion). Looking back on it, I think he knew something wasn’t quite right about himself. Our break up is verbatim what Pos wrote in the “exit strategy of a Soc”.

        Do you think the drinking is enough for me to look at a re-diagnosis? It has always left me a bit confused.

      6. It’s really difficult when a substance is involved. This is why most psychologists insist on the substance problem being over before engaging in deeper therapy. The abuse makes it impossible to see the person’s real psychology.

        Was the consumption so constant it would be a factor in his whole person? You know yourself, if you have a big night, it effects you for days. If someone does this every day, to drunkenness, for a long time it will seriously effect their behaviour.

        Can I have a bit of a deeper think and look into it a bit more and get back to you?

        Even moderately heavy daily substance abuse makes any diagnosis almost impossible.

      7. Daniel,

        I would very much appreciate that. The drinking was definitely a constant – every single, solitary night. He’d drink about half a 40 ouncer of rye in about 4 hours, more if we were entertaining my friends. But he never appeared drunk – no slurring, no staggering, no getting sick, and not even a hangover the next day. He’d be up bright and early, suited up and off to the office…then back home at 5:00 and the same thing all over again. He once admitted he was a functioning alcoholic.

        I look forward to seeing what you come up with – thank you so much!

      8. Hi Pos,

        At a high level, bc you’re the one who wrote everything, so you’ll get what I mean:

        – everything in Dating a Sociopath happened (how he came into my life – as a victim of a bad relationship with a psycho), assessment (we used to joke about how our first date was actually an interview), wanted to mive in right away, bombardment, discard (week prior he was talking about an engagement date and the wknd after our break up he was immediately in another relationship, where I was now the psycho ex he needed to be saved from)
        – everything in the Sociopath Exit Strategy happened (verbatim. My friends thought I wrote the article when I sent them your post)
        – completely feels like he was the victim in the relationship bc I didn’t love him enough, so I gave him no choice but to have to leave
        – my counsellor pointed out that this past year of the break up, everything he has done and not done, indicate the signs of someone who seems to be gaining some kind of pleasure from my pain and seeing me continue hurting
        – the mask totally dropped after the break up and I found myself always asking him “who are you??” bc I had never seen this cold, heartless side before

        Do you think the drinking is indicative of something else?

      9. The sociopath does feel emotion, but usually surface level “immature” emotions. They also often engage in self destructive and impulsive behaviors. What they lack is a conscience, no remorse, shame or guilt, and therefore lack the ability to truly love someone else.

      10. like in American Psycho “I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust.” .If only it were just make believe.

        I think looking out for lies, not just ones that serve a purpose, especially if they might reasonably get away with them. Chronic lying, just to get out of an immediate jam, with a lie they will almost surely get caught in. Or pointless lies, you know ones that serve them no purpose.

        These things may be hard to be sure of, not all will do it unless they need to. The central thing is they don’t care, so they can with no guilt. But they can fake guilt. I found, looking back, there were things she said that showed a lack of awareness for how something would effect me, anyone.

        If it hadn’t been for the fact we had a son together, I might not have worked it out. It is scary to think, but if she didn’t turn on me, I might still be with her!!!

        They are usually in control, so looking back and remembering occasions they lost it could help work out their pathology. User, addict, sociopath …. if someone can fuck you over badly and have no problem sitting down having a heart to heart, rob your money then offer you a loan to go out with them for your birthday, you have a sociopath.

        Prophette, the sudden personality change, the new relationship and repeating the same behaviour with another, the “love bombing” suggest a serious personality disorder…. even sociopathy. I wouldn’t bother with another diagnosis, or worrying about how correct it is to say he is a sociopath. You are better of not letting this person be in your thoughts or taking your energy.

        You will only wreck you head re thinking and wondering. It could even lead you to making contact against you own best interest. Don’t let him take from you happiness any more. : )

      11. Daniel,

        I agree with It is Done – what a terrific comment. You are right – there was certainly enough there to suggest some type of serious personality disorder. His reactions and responses just weren’t “normal” – nor were they indicative of the person I thought I knew, so I was left confused, shocked and feeling like I was going crazy. The fact that it has taken me a year to get to this point in recovery, is yet another sign that this was no normal relationship or break up. I have never responded to a break up in this way – bc no one else has ever left me with so much destruction and turmoil…and also clearly showed a lack of remorse, a complete disregard and no shame or feelings of guilt for what he did or said.

        Thank you for taking the time to think about my question and get back to me. Your opening paragraph made me remember something I had totally forgotten. His favorite movie was American Psycho. He wasnt much of a movie watcher, but insisted that I absolutely had to watch it with him – and while he was completely enthralled, I remember not being to get into it as much as he was.

        I think that if someone can move into your world, and immerse themselves into your life overnight, tell you, your friends/family over and over that you’re “the one”, make plans with you about a bright and forever future, get you to trust them with your life, happily take all the help and support you provide – and then literally have the ability to walk away from all of that for no discernible reason, treat you like garbage, forget about how you’ve helped them, and recommence what were your plans, with someone they immediately just met, blame you for things that certainly did not even happen – and yet feel no guilt, shame or compassion for what they’ve done – well, that person has something wrong with their brain. And you’re right – the best thing I can do is to continue to stay away…

        Thank you for your response 🙂

      12. Hi Daniel. I really like your comment. Do you practice in the field? I ask as you are very thorough, insightful and, for lack of better terminology, well rounded/versed in your answers. You’re comments add another dimension/ way of looking at things that are very helpful/I sightful.

      13. again Prophette, your last paragraph on November 10, 2013 at 1:11 pm could have been me writing it.

        Daniel, i was thinking about what you said re alcohol/substance abuse and the sociopath… as an observation, mine was very controlled with his drinking, in the respect that he would not drink Monday to Thursday night… when i would reach for a beer on one of those nights, he would get either angry or do that manipulation thing to make me feel bad. He would never drink before 4pm unless there was a special reason too (such as a BBQ lunch with family). All very controlled. It was quite strange actually. I don’t know if that means anything. It actually took me a long time to realise that he drank a lot, as i did too. but when I asked him to slow down to support me as i had to stop he refused. (although he would not drink the 2 nights before a marathon/half marathon.)

        FYI – i have changed my email address on here hence the new symbol next to my name

      14. again Prophette, your last paragraph on November 10, 2013 at 1:11 pm could have been me writing it.

        Daniel, i was thinking about what you said re alcohol/substance abuse and the sociopath… as an observation, mine was very controlled with his drinking, in the respect that he would not drink Monday to Thursday night… when i would reach for a beer on one of those nights, he would get either angry or do that manipulation thing to make me feel bad. He would never drink before 4pm unless there was a special reason too (such as a BBQ lunch with family). All very controlled. It was quite strange actually. I don’t know if that means anything. It actually took me a long time to realise that he drank a lot, as i did too. but when I asked him to slow down to support me as i had to stop he refused. (although he would not drink the 2 nights before a marathon/half marathon.)

        FYI – i have changed my email address on here hence the new symbol next to my name

      15. It could equally mean something or not. Sociopaths like the buzz of risky behaviour, but would this qualify as risky enough for it t be a buzz?…. getting angry with you shows hypocrisy alright, bald hypocrisy, which show arrogance and a sense of entitlement.

        But that attitude is very common, in “normal” people. They could only be suggestive of sociopathy in combination with classic sociopathic traits. I my view anyway. THey neither indicate it, or rule it out. Sort if neutral.

        THat IVF “garden” reference show a complete detachment from humanity and no empathy. Most people wouldn’t even say that as a joke if their partner and they were using IVF to try and conceive. That sort of ridiculous and hurtful comment made as if it is nothing, is very showing of a serious lack of awareness of what upsets people and no empathy, even doing something so personal and difficult with someone you are supposed to love. To reduce it to a “transaction” supporting his garden… wow

      16. Hi It Is Done,

        Isn’t it so strange seeing someone else’s words and feeling like they are your own? It’s bizarre how many times that has happened to me on this site. I remember one of your earlier posts where you were saying that while your ex didn’t necessarily do the extent/type of damage that others have done to people on this site – you were still certain there was something very wrong with him. I remember thinking “wow, It Is Done sounds like she’s got the same type of Soc I do”…

        And – I want to say that I agree with Daniel…the reference to the whole garden comment?? That clearly shows a complete lack of comprehension about the importance of a child. That is so sick and demented. We’re talking about a child for Pete’s sake – not a g*ddamn tulip. What an idiot. I’m so sorry that you went through what you did with him…


      17. Thanks Daniel. It is quite odd how he made those horrible comments seem perfectly acceptable. Strangely It gives me some comfort that someone else agrees that it was not normal for someone to compare our child with a garden.
        But by that stage he had already completely devalued the whole process. During our first lot of ivf a few incidents happened, including a very suspect situation where now I’m sure he was cheating on me. I questioned him about my red flags and Somehow he blamed me of being over reacting because of ivf hormones and completely made out like I had lost the plot. But then next round of ivf when I asked if we were ready and we would be ok his comment was as long as you don’t use it as an excuse for everything like last time. So basically I had to be super good, no moods, no questions… Completely disabled me.

        Of course we know how it ends. Final discard half way through.

        I still can’t believe he did that. No remorse, no care, nothing. That I was pumped full of hormones didn’t even register with him.

      18. I know.. it is scarily so with so many of us having similar stories. Every time i started to doubt he is a soc, i would come on here and read the atrocious behaviors and realize that mine did many of the same thing.
        With regards to the IVF/baby, he always completely discredited anything that was not focused on him… its funny, but at the time i didn’t realise it. The day i found out i was pregnant, it was ignored and became about him. the day i miscarried, it was about him (or in this case it was about that i was wrong for him…) the day i got a new job title, it was about him…The IVF was completely undermined. Urgh! he was so mean to me but disguised it with affection and laughter and pretend love.

    2. Hi prophette,
      Mine only drank Friday through till Monday and so considered himself normal, but he would drink 2 to 3 beers and a bottle of wine plus two to ten gins a night. All to himself. Every Friday Saturday and Sunday. He would start at around 4. When I went on IVF and asked for his support he basically told me to get F$@!ed. but he didn’t have a problem.

      1. Hi It is Done,

        That’s awful! How can someone drink that much and not think it was a problem?! And to get that type of a response when you’re asking for support through something like IVF – which he is a part of, for crying out loud – is 100% completely wrong. You have been saved, my friend – you have absolutely been saved…

      2. thanks Prophette,

        I was just reading your reply to Daniel and you and i had very similar stories, although mine didn’t play the sympathy card. There is no question in my mind that my ex is a soc.

        Oh that is nothing compared to the other shit he did. He didn’t help pay for the IVF either… the first one he gave me a small sum but the second one… he likened it to me not putting money into HIS garden. OUr child and his garden…i had very little money, he was pretty much a millionaire… WTF?


  9. I’ve recently been discarded by a sociopath. Before I even stumbled across this blog I started visualizing him as Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.

    Makes me feel SO much better.

  10. Buffalo Bill that’s a great analogy, wasn’t he creepy. Only once I seen mu spath acting girlie, his elbows were on the window sill and he was twirling his hair like a girl with one leg up beehi d his back. Creepy, when I asked him who were u at that time he never replied.

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