If you spend too long around the sociopath, once Mr nice, and Mr Helpful, and Mr Wonderful wears off, once he has his slippers firmly under your table, hand in the fridge, and the warm half of your bed, a totally different character begins to appear. To cope with this, you need mental agility,for the sociopath is the master game player. And what he intends to do is play a game with your life. You will be left feeling absolutely confused.
What is deflection? Deflection takes focus away from the accusation. To use an example, if you had concerns that your partner was cheating, perhaps you have evidence that has convinced you that he is having an affair? You confront your partner, holding the evidence, you are fairly sure that now you ‘have him?’… Or so you think!!
Evidence, means little with the sociopath as the sociopath who will do and say anything to
Protect the lie!
An example of this, unrelated to dating, is that I worked for a long time with homeless in a hostel. Often, when there had been an incident the night before, as soon as staff got in the next morning, the person who was the most obvious suspect would come to the office, and declare information about what had happened the night before. Giving his witness statement, or making a complaint about the noise etc. Feeding you this misleading information would (for the inexperienced person), lead you on a false trail. To think that this person couldn’t be responsible, as they were the one who came to you and reported it in the first place This is called deflection.
He knew that we would receive complaints from others, which would later be pinpointed on him. So, coming to see us first, to give us false information, would stall for time, and (he hoped) get him off being evicted. It would take our attention elsewhere.
This is what the sociopath does. Have you ever watched a murder mystery film? Where it is said that the least obvious suspect is often the one who did it? Sociopaths operate using the same analogy. Perhaps many murder mystery writers are also sociopaths? Who knows? 🙂 And so, if you gain evidence that the sociopath has been doing something behind your back, they will either:
If he has already worked out that he is about to be found out
He would come to you, before you confront him. He will feed you false information, which will invalidate your evidence. This would make you doubt your evidence. You would doubt your own mind, and what you had heard or seen. Instead of confronting, you would delay, or be confused, or be reassured that your concerns or worries were nothing.
If you have ever falsely accused him, he will use this as ‘evidence’ of how you ‘get things wrong’
Alternatively, if he had no idea that you had found out
He will have to think fast. To give himself more time, he will immediately:
– Stall for time, by using distraction, and change the subject. Or say ‘what about…’ something someone else has done, or say you always accuse me, and get things wrong, Remember when…… (and repeat back to you something totally irrelevant)
– Or lie further to protect the lie. (See also catching a sociopath in the lie)
The outcome will be that you will be confused. You might know abs0lutely that this person is lying to you. But he will never admit to lies, even with evidence shown to him. He protects the lie with his life. And when caught in the lie will either deflect attention elsewhere, distract, or lie further. You will be confused, and perhaps because you do not want it to be true (you are hurt), you yet again give him another chance.
This is how sociopaths get away with things, for such a long time, often even when you have evidence of what they have done.
It is because of this, that other people cannot understand, “why did you stay with it so long?” or “You knew, you had that evidence, why didn’t you leave then?” but the sociopath is clever, cunning and manipulative. He/she will do all that he can to dissuade you that you have it wrong. That you are misinformed. Not wanting to be hurt (if you love this person), you can still feel suspicious, but also relieved that perhaps you have it wrong. People close to you, who you have discussed your evidence with, then think that you stupid, and foolish for continuing to stay with this person. After all, have you not seen enough?
But the sociopath is the master of manipulation and control. He will never admit to a lie, for if he did, he would lose control. He experiences ‘dupers delight’ and enjoys conning you. The longer that he can con you for, the longer that he can use you for, and the more benefit for him.
A sociopath will always make plans behind your back, have an exit strategy, and an alternative source of supply prior to leaving you. If you have fulfilled his needs. If you catch him out, prior to him planning this exit, he will do all that he can to protect his asset (you). This could be misconstrued as ‘love’ and ‘care’ and wanting to fight for your relationship. But this is again, an illusion, as it is merely the sociopath mirroring, deflecting, distracting and lying, to keep his target and source for supply, for as long as he possibly can.
- Be wary if the sociopath comes to you volunteering information (he might be deflecting you)
- Is he answering the question – or deflecting?
- Have you received a satisfactory answer – or have you just been lied to, and deceived further?
Pay attention, as the sociopath is the master manipulator and will do everything to protect the lie.
Words © datingasociopath.com 2013