The stages of healing and recovery after dating a sociopath – What to expect – a quick guide!

I have already written how at the end of the relationship with the sociopath you go through

  • Five stages of grief and the healing process
  • Grieving the person that you thought you were with

(See healing and recovery section for these posts)

It can be difficult when you are in initial stages of break up. The pain can feel overwhelming. A question that is often asked, is how long is this going to last for? Is this going to get worse? You feel awful, empty, bereft and the pain can feel overwhelming. You might be wondering how long is this pain going to last? Is this feeling forever? Will I ever recover from this? Is my life always going to be this way? You might struggle to escape, to break the cycle of addiction to the sociopath and the cycle of abuse.

Trying_to_Break_out_of_the_Box1

A quick walk through guide to healing and recovery

Stage One – Disbelief

As you read information, and you see virtually your ex waving back at you on the pages that you read. You struggle to come to terms with the truth. Many of you would not have heard the term ‘sociopath’ or ‘psychopath’ except, perhaps thinking of mass murderers, you look back with reflection, your ex could be so ‘ nice’ ‘charming’ ‘caring’. They often seemed like the victim. Maybe you have it wrong? You struggle to believe that your ex was a sociopath. You still focus on the good times and the happy times. You constantly question is he/she a sociopath?

Stage two – The fog of confusion

In this stage, you are so confused. You don’t WANT it to be true. You want the mask of illusion the ‘nice guy/gal’ to be the real person. Accepting reality is very difficult. During this stage of healing, you constantly read information. You reach out to others. It is at this time that you are the most susceptible to being lured back in by the sociopath. Having been constantly lied to, constantly let down, you no longer know what is real, and what is fake. You struggle to adjust to your life, and to understand what is real? It can be difficult talking to others who do not understand psychopathic/sociopathic behaviour. In their mind, they think ‘what is there to miss’ what has happened to you feels so difficult to explain. You continue to read, almost hoping that you will find something which will prove that your ex isn’t a sociopath. That there is hope, and that you will and can return to the glory days.

Stage Three – Heartache, depression and sadness

As the harsh reality and the truth sinks in, you sink into a depth of depression and sadness. You realise that this is something that cannot be fixed. It cannot be changed. Your heart hurting. You feel stupid and embarassed that this has happened to you. Your focus right now is on the sociopath. You are desperate for answers. You need to understand, why? Why has this happened? Why did you deserve this? Did your ex ever love you you constantly ask yourself? What was real? Was everything a lie? You struggle to come to terms with the harsh reality. The truth hurts. It hurts bad. You are now coming out of the fog of confusion and walking into the glaring truth of reality. Your heart aches so badly for the way that you have been treated, that you could take it out and put it away in a box in a cupboard – until you feel better. You almost think that life with the sociopath was better than feeling this hurt.

Stage Four – Isolation and emptiness

The harsh reality of your life and the effects of the relationship, is now hitting you hard. Perhaps you have lost a job, lost friends, family, finances, even your home and other losses. It is hard to believe that the person that you loved with all of your heart has betrayed you. You feel empty, isolated and alone. What has happened is so crazy, it is difficult for you to explain to others. At this time you might also be in the midst of ruining and smear campaigns by the sociopath. Right now you feel an empty shell of the person that you once were. Some of you feel so bad, so empty, so alone, that you might think of ending your life (DON’T!!) ….

Stage Five – Psychological Detective

In this stage you learn enough about psychopaths, sociopaths, and behaviour disorders, to gain a qualification. You become obsessed with understanding why? You read all that you can.  Understanding about psychological behaviour becomes your latest obsession. The more that you read, the more you learn, the easier you find things. Understanding how bad and messed up your ex is, in some way – helps you to feel better. If you could you would read about it 24/7. For some reason understanding is healing. Your focus in this stage is still on the sociopath, not on you. You are still hurt, and angry. You might feel a need for justice and to expose the sociopath.

Stage Six – Acceptance, healing, recovery and focus back to you

Acceptance is always the final stage of recovery. In this stage, you start to  focus on you, and your needs. You might even be able to raise a smile, or at best a laugh. You have done well. You realise that your ex had a psychological disorder. That was not your fault. What happened and the behaviour belongs to them – not you!

In this final stage, you let go of the bad. You start to focus on the good. You accept that there is nothing that you could have done to change a thing. You realise that it was nothing to do with you,it was not your fault.  You are not stupid. In the final stage, you start to make plans for you. To rebuild your life. You are finding that the good times are outweighing the bad.

You realise the damage that has been done to you. Perhaps you are struggling to trust others. You are looking at what you have learned, and perhaps things within yourself that you want to fix. You start to make plans for your future. Slowly you begin to allow others back into your life.

In the final stage, you are not focusing on what happened, or why? You are no longer trying to understand. Your focus is back to you. You are letting go, realising that the person that you were with has a disordered mind – and feeling a sense of relief that whatever he/she is doing now – at least they are no longer doing it to YOUR life.

The final stage can feel slightly liberating. You have learned a lot and have grown. You realise that you want to not make the same mistakes in the future – or at least not date the same mistakes. You realise that you really do deserve better. For the first time, possibly in all of your life you are protecting you. Looking after you, realising that you really do deserve better.

Always focus on changing what you can – not what you can’t!!

You might be reading this, recently coming out of the relationship and are still in the early stages. The pain might feel overwhelming. The sadness, the emptiness, and the humiliation might leave you feeling absolutely devastated. You wonder how you can go on – will you ever recover?

The answer is – yes you will!!!

Remember  the following

  • Confusion is only a temporary phase – nobody stays confused forever
  • The truth no matter how painful it is to learn – the truth really will set you free (truth hurts huh)
  • EVERYBODY in the beginning goes through the fog of confusion. This is normal. You might drive people close to you, mad with your constant chopping and changing of mind about the sociopath. This is also normal too.
  • If something is hurting you – this means that you are learning and growing. Remember when you were a child, you fell over and cut your knee??… when your knee was healing it itched and itched -you wanted to scratch but if you scratched it – it would bleed and re-open the wound. This is like No contact – you might get the urge to contact, just like the urge to scratch…. but realistically all that you will do is to re-open the wound, and you will need to allow it to heal again. Don’t scratch the wound – don’t fall back on no contact. If you are struggling – if you have that itch – stop…. take some time out – read the articles on No contact…. stop bleeding. Its time for healing and recovery.
  • Take one day at a time. Realise that the longer you were in the relationship – the longer it will take to fully heal and recover.
  • That the sociopath creates an addiction to him/or her, you might get the urge to contact – don’t this will delay your healing and recovery

Focus on you, it is not wrong to be selfish. In fact after an abusive relationship, it is essential (you will be so drained you will need all of your energy for you). You can never fix somebody else, but you can fix you!

Words © datingasociopath.com

389 thoughts on “The stages of healing and recovery after dating a sociopath – What to expect – a quick guide!”

  1. Two posts in one day?! Its like a holiday! 🙂

    I have finally reached the level of acceptance where I no longer am looking for explanations or answers. That feels good, to be at peace with everything that was and still is, except for someone else.

    It feels like a huge exhale. It is quiet. I have rested a lot, although I am still tired. I am not in fear. When my phone rings or when I get a text, i dont “secretly” hope its him. I dont write him letters/emails I’ll never send (as I used to do, so many times before). I have felt numb, but am coming back to normal human feelings, for myself.

    Yet, the thought of sharing my life with anyone else, or dating anyone else, still just exhausts me. It doesnt even scare me, it just exhausts me and is a complete turn off. I dont even want to think about:
    1) who is he texting?
    2) who is she?
    3) is that a lie or do I have to wait and see?
    4) I’m sure you’re not all you say you are.

    I am really going to have to break those thought patterns…but I dont know if I am ready? The idea of a new spouse is not at all alluring to me, and have grown almost too comfortable being alone.

    Is there more heavy lifting to be done once I do find the next suitable match? I can only imagine that there is also a good chunk of healing that is to be done once you are actually in a NORMAL relationship again, too, as you will be faced with similar opportunities to react, “play detective”, etc, and will require a complete brain re-wiring.

    Sort of just coasting right now…not too worried about meeting anyone, too soon, but I do wonder if the feelings of complete disinterest will subside.

    1. Hi GL, I think the feelings that you feel right now are healthy. I know that your relationship was a long time,, so will take a while to heal. The feeling of being disinterested is normal. As you are switched off to relationships. Also a part of you (whether you would admit it or not) would fear going back through that again. It is easier to be on your own than risk going through the same thing again. Look how long it has taken you to grieve, to understand and to heal?

      One day…. someone who is very special will walk into your life. Maybe this time. as you are not looking for anybody to fill a void in you – and you are happy being alone…. maybe you will learn to trust. I think also that the relationship with the sociopath can be traumatic because of the abuse, so a new relationship might trigger old wounds…. it might, but hopefully by then you will be with someone real, genuine with real genuine feelings – who will be able to put your needs as important as his own… one day…. when the time is right!! 🙂 for now, this time is for you 🙂

    2. Yes, the feelings of complete disinterest will subside Gaslighted. They will be replaced by the feelings you once had but you will be sharper, you will take your time to assess someone new and any red flags will stand out a mile and you will run!!! I refuse to let this experience dictate the rest of my life. I have been to hell and back but once the true and I mean true reality set in, once I had read “Sociopath Free” and realised that my sociopath did absolutely everything in there, each con, each trick until he “had” me I saw him for who he was – just a total nothing, barely human. He never really had me, he just created the illusion that I wanted. He was nothing like the person he tried to be.I went through a process of hate and wanting to dance on his grave and then……peace. I came through and I came through fighting. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like that and not stand up for myself – I used to be so strong. He pursued me at a weak point in my life, when for the first time I really needed someone to rely on. I will never let anyone be it friend, lover, family member ever treat me like that again. I will not be a victim, nor a survivor, just a strong person with a true sense of self and worth. I like myself. That is something he will never be able to say. He knows what he is, he knows his brain just isn’t wired right. I will have a happy successful life and I care not what happens to him. To anyone still going through the hell of the attachment phase, please please know that it will end, you will come through it a stronger person realising that the world is not full of kind, generous people but that we have to protect ourselves and keep our wits about us. Not everyone is to be trusted…………but some are xx

  2. I am in the final stage. Thursday would have been our three year dating anniversary and I plan to purge him from my system on that day. After September 5th, I will be sociopath free — mentally.

    I am a testament that it gets better. Reading this, I saw me in each of the phases. It’s hard because the grieving of an abusive relationship, especially the sociopathic abusive relationship, is different that a “normal” break up. I have had some heated conversations with friends who just couldn’t rationalize that he is sick. They kept trying to make me believe he loved me but I know that he is incapable of loving anyone or anything — including himself.

    I’ve worked through the guilt of the things I did because I loved him. I loved him like I will love my next lover — with trust, honesty and respect. The only difference is that I will be looking for the same from him and if his actions don’t mirror his words, than he will no longer be a part of my life.

    I really hope that all the people who come to this site really heed the information. This site was very instrumental in my healing. Reading the posts and knowing I wasn’t alone really made a hard road a little easier.

    Thank you all and good luck. I look forward to reading more positive healing stories. Stay strong and don’t stop loving!!

    1. Thank you 4coloredgyrl. How wonderful you are starting to feel strong…. and almost at the final stage. I think at that final stage you go past caring. You just dont care anymore. Realise that it is something that you cannot change. Also… it is something that belongs to them – not you!!

  3. What a good post! I too am at the acceptance stage, I feelsorry for him in way, I was alone for such a long time and was happy, why I took him back for that brief time is beyond me. It feells good not to get calls from him, all it really was was mindless chatter, never made any sense anyway. Im okaee thoughmentally thank God. Need to be strong an No Contact…. Love an Peace;)

    1. This is a good comment to read Bewildered, am so pleased to read that you are at this stage. Feeling pity – is final part – as you realise that it is not you. That is true growth and recovery…. it’s his problem – not yours.

      1. Pos, you have no idea what that means to me coming from you. SUPPORT, thats what I need, thats what we all need, and you do support us, and we support each other. Love this site, I dont knoow where Id be without it. God Bless.. Peace an love… 😉

      2. I am sorry that I haven’t been around too much recently Bewildered. It has been a tough time due to a legal case surrounding my daughters death which has dragged on and on. that is why I haven’t been around replying to comments – or when I did come online there were so many comments I couldn’t keep up to reply!! 🙂

        Hopefully I will be around more from now on. I hope so!! 🙂

      3. That sounds so awful. Really shuts up my whining over a stupid guy. Perspective! God love you P. 🙂

      4. I understand Pos, and I am so sorry for the passing of your daughter and I hope your case comes to a hault and you can move on and you will in time. Dont worry to much about us we truly have each other I mean we need you here but we can wait till its right. GOOD LUCK!! If anybody can do it its YOU.. 😉 Peace an love Pos…

      5. Hi Pos, this is the 2nd complaint Ive gotten today with family members who say spath is bad mouthing me, smear campaign, but I will continue my no contact maybe ignoring him and not calling him is getting the best of him. He cant even call doesnt have my #. Thats the way I lije it. . Peace an love 😉

      6. Stay Strong B 🙂

        People bad mouthing you says more about him than you so, you are right to stay NC as it’s just more gaming from the Soc to provoke a reaction from you!

        They love the drama etc…so, by NC the game is over, your no longer playing 🙂

        Love PR xoxox

      7. @PR and Bewildered …

        I agree – they love drama and to be the centre of attention, and they get off on the adrenalin rush – that’s why your ex-db (that’s for ‘douchebag’) is grandstanding. The only way he can make himself look better about the breakup is by lying about you (this justifies his actions, in his own mind). He has to play the role of victim to win sympathy and support. What he doesn’t realize is that there will be many people whose alarm bells will go off, and the seeds of doubt will be planted.

        I always knew that my own ex needed to be the centre of attention at a social level, but I didn’t think that would extend to fabricating lies about other women (but now I see the light). He trashed and slandered his ex-wife and ex-gf SO badly – and he had some of us convinced he was legit. However, something didn’t seem right, and there were a lot of people who thought he was full of it. (turns out they were right) Normal people can only listen to the b.s. for so long and in so many different instances from the same person, before they call his integrity into question.

        By smearing you, he thinks he’s making a case for himself, but eventually people clue in. Stay strong, live your life, and hold your head up. Hiding is tempting, but you need to live your life – face his lack of integrity with courage. You have no reason to be ashamed, you didn’t do anything wrong.

      8. Hi Darling 🙂

        You are so right its’ called the ‘Pity Party’ for the Soc 😦
        Mine did initially start defaming his ex’s but, I told him I think there are always two sides to a story so, he stopped 🙂
        If anything I stood up for the other woman because I don’t like people that do that, as it does say more about them in reality.
        I often meet people who have every right to slander disgusting behavior but, if it’s endless then it shows that they are holding onto the bitterness as well.
        My ex hated his ex wife (25 years bur never divorced) in the beginning because she was going after a huge financial settlement but, he picked the wrong person to criticize her too as I was in a similar situation so, my empathy was more with her 🙂
        That was 10 years ago & he never let her off the hook but, chose to get her back by keeping control of her via their adult children!
        His adult son is firmly in his control but, lives with his ex wife & makes sure she doesn’t meet anyone else etc…he also knows all about everything she does via the son.
        He also once criticized his ex mistress (one of) to me & once again I dismissed him as being fickle himself….he stopped dead & changed tack from then on.
        He would say how much more I deserved better than him, he was right 🙂

        Love PR xoxo

      9. @PR – you know, at first I couldn’t believe that his situation with his ex was as bad as he said, then I believed him (one of my friends, whose sister is a psychiatrist, told me he had targeted me), and at the END of our relationship (probably a few months before), I told him that he had done things to antagonize her and make her crazy. I said that I didn’t blame her for being enraged at him. He didn’t seem to like that, and I guess that was maybe one of the last things that led to our breakup – I didn’t buy his bullshit stories any more.

        He doesn’t like to be made accountable for his ridiculous actions – I saw the shift in him the night I told him that he needed to pay back his mother and me before he bought a luxury car he was negotiating on. I literally SAW the shift in his eyes, and I knew “it’s over”. (of course, he was already seeing the new OW by then anyway, so it was essentially over anyway)

        I used to miss his company, and the man I thought he was, but I have to say, this website has been amazing and has taught me so much. Now, I don’t miss him at all, and I SURELY don’t miss his toxic drama and chaos. My life is peaceful once again.

        You know, the bastard still owes me a few hundred dollars, and I emailed him today to ask him to settle it, and he replied “Sorry, it’s going to be a while”. I know I should just write it off as an expensive lesson, but the principle of it makes me want to pursue it. I haven’t responded – he’s such a prick. I sort of want to send the pages of texts he’d been sending his other ex-gf (up to a month before he married the new one) to his house, on the off chance the wife gets the mail. I bet it would be a VERY unpleasant night at his house (I’ll have to count to 10 before I do anything like that)

        Tempting, though …

      10. LOL Darling, I’m one step ahead of you & I did send emails etc…to his work, his family, his ex etc….then the Police called me to tell me to stop so, I obviously had an effect 🙂
        I did stop but, felt so much better sharing the truth.
        It’s so much harder to hide when the ‘proof is in the pudding’ (lol)
        Sending stuff from him back out there & emails that the OW & I exchanged was cathartic & empowering & I don’t care who knows as I had nothing to be ashamed of 🙂
        Oh I was always polite & mine & the OW’s emails always nice.
        We are adults & behaved accordingly here’s an example of one the OW replied to from me;

        Thanks for getting back to me. I, also, am not surprised but stupidly disappointed – should have trusted my instincts on this. Apologies again for the bolt from the blue but I knew he would not tell you the truth voluntarily just as I had to collect my own evidence before he admitted anything. I am back on the last weekend in April. I understand that you have children as do I. Travelling with Rosa and Jon. They are lovely and I am confident they are not party to the deceit.

        I work virtually full time. What about you?

        So you see we aren’t behaving like children, he was!
        Rosa & Jon are his sister & son & both new of my existence although I don’t blame them, just enablers & followers (sigh) he has many 😦

        PR xoxo

      11. Hi Jus 🙂

        Yes as far as I know?

        I haven’t forgotten you either, went to movies last night to see ‘Behind The Candelabra’ so, didn’t get home til late & went to zzzzzzzzzzz 🙂

        I think Liberace was a Soc so, that was enlightening but, Matt Damon ooooh he’s a honey bunny 🙂

        Talk soon 🙂

        PR xoxo

      12. She doesn’t seem too surprised, almost trying not to stir anything up further but more, pacify. Sometimes, I wonder if it isn’t the “family business”.

      13. Definitely ‘family business’ Jus, they had us both around for dinner on separate occasions probably deciding who should stay ?
        I am still floored at the depth of his deceptions & his family playing along.
        The OW is loaded $$$ & I think that appeal would be very attractive to this family, very greedy & self serving.
        His daughter rang me twice to cover for him & once admitted that he ‘brought he off’, with a white BMW when he ran off overseas after being discovered again by his ex.
        It was his daughters 21st & as he’d upset the celebrations etc…to placate her her gave her a car!

      14. Jus, this was my responce to the OW’ email 🙂

        Hi Kerri, yes I know both Rosa & Jon, sadly Jon has obviously known about us both as I regularly have lunch with him & Lou. Yes I work too & from your email am in no doubt we are very similar in more ways than one? I am shattered as Lou has been stringing me along for so many years but, like you should have listened to my gut instinct. At least you got a fabulous holiday, I have only ever been promised one. I am so sad for us both :0( I never wanted to be the other woman to anyone! I would like to meet you as I do have something extremely important to tell you. My mobile is ********. Please take care, we have our pain in common,maybe we can help each other thru.
        Kind Regards,

        PR x

      15. I sent this post but do not see it. Any 2 family members told me the spath was stating his smear campaign against. They know its all bs maybe the no contact for 14 days is getting to him and he cant call me he doesnt have my # when they told me what he said we were laughing. Why is he starting? Is no contact bothering him or is it sonething else?

      16. Thanks Pos, Phoenix and Darling for your wise input. Yes no contact for quite a while, he figures they will tell me and that will provoke me to call him, Game Over like that crazy guy on them saw movies lol, all jokes aside I know he craves any type of emotion from me poor thing should get a life. No Contact.. Love an Peace guys!! 😉

  4. Reblogged this on thatkookycanuck and commented:
    Ok, so I wasn’t dating per se but I was iN LOVE and he used, exploited and manipulated that to his own end. He behaved in very sociopathic says to myself and others so a lot of this rings true. I just need to get to that final stage and be done with him.

  5. Positivagirl,
    I will never, EVER be able to thank you enough for all of your effort, time and support here. If I didn’t have you throughout this process, I would still be a depressed mess. IM SERIOUS. You allowing us to communicate with everyone has immensely helped as well. I pray everyone else hangs in there like i did. I take things very badly, and I am making it. It’s finally time to study, love and care for….ME 🙂

    Dated 4 months
    Left him over 2 months ago
    NC 1 month
    STAGE 7 🙂

    (and I have a new guy to date this week)! 😉

    1. Good for you Lisa you deserve so much better than someone who is incapable of love… and has to fake every emotion. Who needs to spend their life with a magician – an illusionist? I hope that you have fun on your date! 🙂

  6. I can never tell what stage I am in. This morning I hated him. By afternoon I wanted revenge and tonight I sit here and I am bawling. I can feel complete indifference at other times. I can feel like I want to die. I can feel on top of the world fresh start. It has only been two weeks lol and all this. I’m bipolar too… likely doesn’t help.

    1. Ah you are in early stages FS – it is normal to go through lots of emotions in one day. To almost not know how you are feeling. One minute you feel strong and great, and then bang it is like a tidal wave crashes over you – and you feel back at square one. You are not though – each time you are moving forward. Even if it doesn’t seem that way. Two weeks is very early. You are still going through the grieving process – of someone who didn’t really exist.

    2. Hi FS, you are in the grieving stage, you know when someone you love died how you cried and knew they were never coming back, well its the same way, same feelings, only the ironic part is yoour grieving over someone that never existed he existed for you until you realized wth is happening thats crazy makin behavior you have to grieve tthat he never really existed, its no picnic but you can do it do you want real or do you want fake? Real I would presume. We all went through it everyone is in different stages stay with us and you will see ir gets easier as time goes on before you know it you will be in the final stages to. And no being bi/polar doesnt help my daughter is bipolar as well. You take your meds and you will will go through this just like we all have. Peace an love FS 😉

      1. Thanks. When I miss him I miss the old him. Even if he does come back (he will… eventually) I have the pride and strength to say no. It will kill me I am so used to thinking one more chance and I will fix everything… but I just cannot let myself be second choice. I am a successful attractive independent home owning woman and he’s more interested in banging a young girl who lives with her parents lol. He is just using her he fully plans to get back with his wife. He told me. Unless he has changed his mind lol. Anyway no contact seven days. I’m in withdrawal. But its fine. I have a busy life and great friends and family and faith. And meds. Lol

      2. His quote ‘running back to ‘name’ with my tail between my legs. Lmao. The rest of us expected too much….like pesky honesty and monogamy. She turns a blind eye. He can remain a low life. He will take as much sec as he can get from the young one first not telling her a thing until last minute. Its what he did to me last fall.. four months of bliss and then he tells me he is going back.

  7. Great blog so far,so damn great….all i can say…from A-Z.
    Thanx a lotta….i am a guy who almost never follow up any blogs but…concerning my problem…and of course…everyone elses here… who was following up on this blog,i started reading almost all the stuff i can find on people’s experiences regarding socyopaths/psychopaths.

    One more time….really great blog,it is almost like this time really opening my eyes,not just exposing that my ex girlfriend is a psychopath…since i know that for almost two months but….concerning the WHOLE story,from starting the relationship…..to recovery stage.

    Thanx ,one more time.

  8. Reading this I don’t know what stage I am actually at to be honest. I have accepted his ways and accepted that things will never change. I understand his behaviors and i understand its not me its him. I want him out of my life, however I am still finding this final step hard. I do feel at peace though and I am getting stronger by the day. . My problem is I am too nice.. Is this making any sense at all\.

    1. Yes absolutely Debbie, it sounds like you are almost there. You feel at peace. That is important. It’s not a problem to be too nice. It is a problem that others abuse people who are nice, kind and caring 😦

  9. Good evening Everyone…I loved this post just like all the others…Positiva…you have no idea how much you have helped me get through all of this and I truly appreciate you. I am past the the grieving and past acceptance and am in a new relationship that is great. My relationship with the spath (we were married)ended Jan 4 of this year because I had found out about a second online relationship and that he had lied about ending the first one. We had gotten into a big fight that day and he smashed my laptop with a metal piece of something and without even thinking, I hit him with that same piece. All he got out of it was a cut on his wrist, but I called the police because I didn’t know what he would do next. Because of that cut I was arrested for simple assault and spent five hours that evening in a cell while he tried calling multiple state agencies to get my daughter removed out of the house (she is mine from a previous marriage), thankfully, he failed. Two weeks later he filed for a protection from abuse order against me and lied his butt off. (one week to the day after that fight his first online gf was in my living room going at it in front of his kids). I eventually agreed to the pfa order only because I wanted to get my stuff out of that house before he had the chance to sell it, so by agreeing to a non admission to guilt order, I was able to get my things that week. (btw, he did steal some of my things and sold them). I just went to court last Friday for my sentencing on the simple assault charge and I got 40 hours of community service and 1 year probation and a whole lot of money I have to fork over. I am not only mad about this, I am so humiliated and embarrased at having to be on probation…I can’t even begin to talk to anyone in my family about this without wanting to die. All of this over a stupid cut that came from a fight resulting in his unfaithfulness. Yet he continues to commit fraud against the federal and state government on his taxes, on his welfare and so many other ways (found out afterwards he had been arrested and served time for fraud in the past) and appears to be getting away with it. I reported him to every agency I could think of back in January and he’s still sitting pretty with his new gf and doing the same thing to her. I could care less about her or him from that standpoint, but this man has destroyed so many lives, all 8 of his children included, that I don’t know if I can fully let this go until I see him either behind bars for his crimes or dead. (his older children believe he killed their mother). The only good thing about this, is that once this next year is over, the charge will be expunged and that’s a huge relief since I just got my Bachelor’s in Criminal Justice last year and am now working on my Master’s in Psychology…at least all that money won’t go to waste (criminal background checks). I was so looking forward to January 28 of next year because that was when it would all be over for me (with him), and any control he still thinks he has (I can’t contact him in any way til Jan 28, not that I want to), but he calls the police and tells them I have threatened him by phone etc…I moved 2 hours north from where I used to be and he has no idea where I am. Now this all won’t be over for my til Aug 30 next year…another reason I’m so angry…I just want him out of my life completely and all consequences from that relationship gone…sorry so long…

    1. Oh gosh Kimmi – my heart went out to you. Your story is a perfect example of a sociopath – and their behaviour he would have known that you were doing your bachelors in criminal justice and psychology and to now have done community service. My heart sank as I read your story. i don’t want to write about some personal things i have been through related to this – but I want to see that I can really relate. I sat here and read your story – I felt that sense of humiliation. My ex would constantly threaten to contact work – so I had to inform them myself – which made a bad situation so much worse. they certainly are sterling masters of ruining and smear campaigns and it is stunning that you end up in this situation for what? A stupid cut – because of how he had treated you? aragah…. my heart is there with you!!

      1. Thanks for all of the encouragement and kind words. You guys really are amazing!! It continues to floor me how much our stories are alike…it’s like spaths come pre-programmed. The humiliation I’m feeling now is unlike anything I have ever known before and I am really having a difficult time with it. I can’t even bring myself to tell my parents about the results of going to court last week and we’ve always been extremely close. My boyfriend emailed our pastor and asked him if we could meet so I could talk to him. I am a Christian and I have a strong faith, but right now I feel so overwhelmed, I can’t even bring myself to pray. I just found out last week that my oldest daughter, who will be 34 next month is terminal. It’s ovarian cancer that has spread and non-Hodgkins lymphoma. I don’t know the prognosis yet. She hasn’t spoken to me in over a year because of my ex spath…he created so many lies and so much drama between us. My daughter is a very intelligent woman and knows so much about psychological disorders and one night we were messaging in facebook and it was at the time when I was beginning to question everything my ex said and did…his odd behaviors and the like…I had to go to the bathroom and while in there, my ex pulled up our conversation and read it and we had our biggest fight to date that night and I defended my daughter to the hllt. She says I didn’t and doesn’t ever want to be hurt by me again. My middle daughter is pregnant with my first grandchild, a boy, and is due Nov 2, my birthday. She too, isn’t speaking to me, because I wouldn’t stop dating my current boyfriend. Her husband is naval intelligence and just deployed the end of July on the SS Harry Truman…last known, they were in the Suez Canal. She texted my youngest daughter who is 17 and asked her to ask me what her birth weight was and my youngest told her to ask me herself. That led to a huge fight between the two of them and my middle daughter texted me and said she didn’t want anything to do with her sister or I ever again. I wish I could say it was hormones, but this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this. While still married to my ex, my middle daughter moved out just after she turned 18, she couldn’t stand him. Yesterday, my cell phone recorded two blocked calls and then 20 minutes later it rang and my caller id showed a phone number with his area code on it…I don’t know anybody else in that part of the state and have never gotten any phone calls with that area code on it before, so I can only assume it’s him. Maybe he saw the results of the case online and was calling to gloat, though he knows I am not allowed to talk to him…I don’t know…I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up til Aug 30 next year and have this all be over with. Thanks for listening….love you all!! I hope you guys have an amazing day!!

      2. Hi Kimmi 🙂

        I am so sorry to hear of your trauma but, most saddened to read of your daughter with ovarian cancer 😦
        I lost a best friend a couple of weeks ago to terminal melanoma, diagnosed in March 2013 gone August 😦 very quick & really shattering.

        I hope you can take some time to heal yourself first then, set about maybe making amends with your other daughter. Obviously a lot of tension around you which is probably heightened by the Soc trauma 😦
        What a damn mess but, you need to focus on your own health & well being as you are no good to anyone until you are feeling stronger yourself 🙂

        Please take care & we are all here to help & support you 🙂

        I am sending your daughter my best wishes & I hope she is not suffering 😦

        Love & light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      3. Thanks Postiva…thankfully, I wasn’t working at the time all of this happened…I’m disabled and on disability (my knees are bone on bone, my right hip has bone spurs and I have 4 pinched nerves in my back with discs compressing and most of the time I get around fine, I just can’t stand for very long at a time)…though I am trying to find a part time job. So I didn’t have to worry about him trying to smear me at a job. I can’t even imagine trying to deal with that…talk about humiliation. I know there’s a reason I’m going through all of this and I will look for it…as much as I hate walking through the valleys of life, I know that that is where we learn and grow and for that part of it I am thankful. I want something good to come out of this…have a wonderful weekend!!!!!

      4. Hey there PR…thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I am hoping that going through this will cause her to rethink her decision not to talk to me and that I will hear from her and we can make things right. She moved last fall and all I know is what town she lives in, I don’t have her phone number or her email and she has me blocked on facebook. I got past my anger towards him for what he did to me being a spath and now I’m angry at him all over again because he’s the reason my daughter won’t talk to me. I know I need to forgive all over again and it’s going to take awhile, but with God’s grace, I will get there. In the meantime, I will have to hear through my mom how things are going for her…thanks for being in here and for your support and for sharing with us all…

      5. Awwww Kimmi 🙂

        You are amazing 🙂
        I hope you realize what an inspiration you are to us as well 🙂
        Bravest Of the Brave Kimmi…Bravo

        Love & healing to you 🙂

        PR xoxo

    2. Hey Kimmi, that happened to me as well 2007 I will never forget. He woke me up by banging on the door to get in at 3:00 am, instead of letting me go back to sleep no he had to let me know how many girls he was with, well one thing kled to another and because I was on my ambien I ran to the drainboard and started cutting his arms and he called the cops but we both got arrested, funny thing I went gome in 5 hrs. Him they hauled his ass to jail, came to find out he was with his boys all night, no girls he lied cause they love drama, he wants drama ill give him plenty of that that spath will need stitches. Love an peace 😉

      1. Ah they LOVE to report you to the police. Mine stole from me – then called the police on me – and reported me. I think during that time – the police were called (by me) at least 3 times a week. it was hell. I almost lost my home – I did lose my job. Constant threats to report me for this that or the other. It was crazy. I lived in a constant state of anxiety and fearI thought – back then that I was going to lose my mind – perhaps I almost did for a while!! 🙂 I ended up faking a personality disorder – to pretend to him that i was crazier than him – and that if he continued to try to destroy me and my life – I was going to destroy him (that worked).. 🙂 🙂

        The one before him – he was arrested placed into a cell – the police called me in the morning – said he wont contact you again. We have just released him – I thought are you really that naive? …. they believed all his lies – within 3 mins the phone rang it was him on the phone and it all began again.

        The last one every single time he had stolen or done something – he would threaten to call the police on me. Knowing that would freak me out – I had never been in trouble with the police – ugh – they create so much carnage – its horrible.

      2. Oh my goodness, I went to jail to because my ex soc. called the police on me because we got into an argument about where he had been for a week and he said to me I don’t need you I have a bitch around the corner. I turned and slapped him in the face so, hard his ears rang. The police came and I told them the truth and they said they would have slapped him twice. They toke be in because that’s what my ex wanted but they toke him to, because we was in violation of parole. Unbelievable all the same stories from all of us woman. That sick. I call him a monster now not even his name..

    3. Awww Kimmi 🙂

      I just read that last post back to Pos 🙂
      Gosh you are Amazing 🙂
      I think your body is showing the signs of your trauma 😦
      The bones,discs are all due to lack of support (gee I wonder why) so, you must really do all the healing via therapy etc…that you can.
      Your soul & body & mind must all be once again united & they will be 🙂
      I too suffer a joint problem & need major surgery but, I am getting my strength back & seem to be defying the odds as I’m really focusing on my health.
      My Soc undermined my health is very traumatic ways (cannot disclose here) but, I am really feeling for you 🙂
      You are a wonderful inspiration to us here & to yourself.
      I hope you look at yourself with admiration because you really have done your best under the most trying of circumstances.
      It’s a shame that events & people beyond your control have put you in this situation but, an amazing show of survival nonetheless 🙂
      To the bravest of the brave, Bravo Kimmi 🙂
      Wishing you much better health & above all Peace 🙂
      Love & healing light 🙂

      PR xoxo

  10. Well, first of all, I have cycled through all stages several times, though they are getting less intense, and I’m now at the “Fcuk you” stage. I’m moving on, for the most part, but I still falter. It is getting better, and I don’t miss him, or the person I thought he was, any more.

    And, reading all of this bullshit that has happened with so many commenters on this site, this is exactly what happened between my ex and his OTHER ex-gf. I said in another post that I think they are both sp’s and collided with each other. He said to me once “if I treated them (his other exes) poorly, they’d tell me ‘fcuk you’ and stay with me. If I treated you poorly, you’d say ‘fcuk you’ and leave” He was right. I noticed that he cut me loose when I asked him to be accountable for something, and I think he realized that he couldn’t play me any more. (however, even then he had some new poontang on the side – who was stupid enough to marry him 12 weeks later) Since the breakup, he tried to hide the fact that he was married, and he has tried to manipulate me even more, but I ended up finding him out – we’re not so friendly now.

    I think he’s scared of what I know about him, and he knows that if he pushes me too far, I have no qualms about blowing the roof off of his house of lies. The fact that my reputation is quite solid and his isn’t – well a lot people thus far in his life are onto his game, that’s why he has to move to an entirely new community and associate with people who aren’t in our industry. He has very few friends – so has to ingratiate himself into his new wife’s social circle. His new life is built on a foundation of outrageous lies – so it’s just a matter of time before it blows up in his face. Again.

  11. I really feel for those of you who were in the relationship for many years, as I can only imagine your journey. My relationship with my spath was only about 6 months but in a short amount of time, I fell pretty hard for him. Later this month will be a whole year of busting him cheating and no contact. I am slowly….very slowly coming to the last phase; however, I often find myself fantasizing about revenge. At first, I would think of ways to reveal his true self to his new victim, but then I think, “why bother? She too fell for him, probably deeper than I ever did.” Often I fantasize about kicking him in the knee that I helped nurse all while I was almost 7 months pregnant….the things I did for him, I did out of love and for what? He didn’t appreciate it, he laughed at me behind my back.

    I still wish he understood what he lost with me, and wish he regrets it but we all know that will never happen. It’s still hard to fathom that I meant absolutely nothing to him, just someone to kill time with. I still wish he was just honest with me and told me that instead of selling me a dream he knew damn well was not the truth. Why tell me all those lies? I guess it was just part of the fun for him. But, he could have just told me he didn’t want to settle down, I would have respected that. I actually would have understood that. What I don’t understand is why tell a pregnant girl that you plan to be in her and her children’s future while promising that life to someone else at the same time? Again, just part of the “fun”. Sick….

    Like Gaslighted, I have 0 interest in dating….one thing I’ve learned about myself during this whole ordeal is that I am a very passionate person….when I love, I love hard, when I’m pissed, hell hath no fury, when I’m hurt, I am destroyed…IDK if I have the emotional energy to pursue another relationship, yet I know I don’t want to be alone forever. The other thing is for me, on-line dating really is the only option to finding someone else. I don’t have a lot of single friends, and I rarely go out and when I do, it’s not like a lot of time worthy guys approach me. I will go with notion that my special someone will land in my lap…LOL. I’m okay with being single, especially since I am a single mom to two small boys, but damn life can get lonely…sigh….

    1. Wow I could have written that verbatim I even have two boys. The intense emotions ..the disbelief I meant nothing… here I am..jolted awake at 230Am. Pisses me off. Thank god for you all.

      1. I rememember those nights….luckily mine hasn’t haunted me in my dreams lately. I freakin’ hate when that happens! How old are your boys? They are my saviors….my life would be empty and sad without them. I thank God everyday for blessing me with them. I am very fortunate to have them, but I feel guilty for not having a father figure around for them. My oldest’s dad is in the picture, but my youngest’s father is not. That bothers me to no end, but what do you do?

      2. @FS
        Not only am I having trouble with the dreams, Last night, I distinctly heard voices—not like a bunch of people or a random conversation, but all him, talking all over each other at once. I think it was just my name being called out. It only lasted a couple seconds. Nothing like it has ever happened to me before. Last night, I jolted awake on the half hour probably 4 times. The last couple times, I had to get out of bed and walk around; I just felt panicked. The only time I’ve ever experienced something similar is when I was very pregnant 10 years ago and was having trouble breathing no matter how I tried to lie down/sleep. The best I can describe the emotion behind it is that I just felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and there was nothing I could take or do to make it stop.

        I tried to distract myself and folded the laundry, moved to the couch thinking the room change might help (it didn’t). Finally, I checked his public records online. I thought his court date was tomorrow. Turns out it was yesterday. His lawyers must’ve asked for a continuance again because a new status hearing was scheduled for Oct. This is the first time he has made no attempt to contact me. I know you all will say that’s probably for the best, and I’m sure it is, but if I was ready for it (and I was doing well, even though I’ve been sick), I don’t understand the sudden panic attack. I still feel anxious and not pulled together today. Nothing feels settled.

      3. Jusagurl…panic attacks are a result of your stress and are bouts of sudden fear. When you have one, you HAVE to choose to face it and get through it or they can continue, making it harder and harder for you to confront them. They are usually irrational fears and you have to tell you yourself over and over that what you are fearing is not going to happen. Rationalize with yourself, talk yourself through each possibility, breathe deeply as you do it and once you have come to a conclusion that you are safe, then refuse to accept any more fearful thoughts, blast the stereo if you have to (boy, am I giving away my age…lol), in order to drown them out and sing along…do something to shift focus away from the fear and into something you enjoy doing or something that makes you laugh.

      4. Thank you, Kimmi. I appreciate the advice. The panic only happens at night, when my son is quiet and sleeping. I expect it has something to do with being alone. I’m also really going through it healthwise and one issue keeps morphing into another. I am in some pain (seeing doctor today), but I’ve also developed something of a cold so, have trouble breathing at night time (tried to sit up to sleep last night to counter that, but it caused pain/pressure elsewhere). I’m just something of a mess healthwise at the moment and feel really out of control. The soc should’ve been around to help for something like this. I feel totally abandoned. My dear son has slept the last two nights in my room (he always wants to though), knowing I had to go to emergency and have been sick. I think we both draw comfort from being nearby. But nothing can stop the realization that I alone am responsible in my situation, and I guess that’s just easier to handle during the day with other distractions.

      5. Hi Jusa 🙂

        I will be sending you an email tomorrow as I wanted to give it my full undivided attention 🙂
        A lot to say & tell you 🙂
        I was about to go to bed 12am here & this message came on my iphone re your reply to Kimmi.

        I am so sorry you are still in pain & under the weather, my ‘Heal you life book’ says
        Colds (upper respiratory) probable cause; Too much going on at once. mental confusion, disorder. (gee I wonder why?)
        New thought pattern; I allow my mind to relax & be at peace.
        Clarity & harmony are within me & around me. All is well 🙂

        Your son sounds beautiful, staying close to his mommy 🙂
        Your a great Mom & person so, get well soon.

        See you on the email 🙂
        Time for ZZZ’s
        PR xoxo

      6. Hi PR,
        I know you are busy so, no worries. I’m just struggling a bit today. Doctor’s visit was intense. As you can imagine, we had a lot to talk about. :-/ She is an awesome person to start with for help though as she really listens and tries to help problem solve. She asked about support for this “situation”, and I told her about this online site. She did recommend a therapist she knows as well and I will follow that up. Otherwise, I need to make a visit to the pharmacy later and return for some tests in a couple weeks. 😦 My cold is stuffy and full-blown now, I still have the pain of the kidney stones, and the night panics (the laryngitis is improved!) but, she addressed, or planned to address, every physical ailment I have right now, and for that, I am grateful.

      7. Awwww Jusa 🙂
        I think your body is telling you so much & is trying to detox for a reason 🙂
        Listen to your body & your feelings, not thoughts but, feel the feelings.
        I will explain in my email 🙂
        I am so glad you have a supportive Dr, mine also has been a great source of comfort 🙂
        Rest & drink plenty of water with a dash of lemon juice to help cleanse you 🙂

        Love & healing 🙂

        PR xoxo

      8. I had to go to the ER tonight with the pain. They did a CT scan and found the 3mm kidney stone and an infection that isn’t getting better with the antibiotic. I was given some meds to still try to treat from home, before they opt for surgery, but I’m miserable with the pain and pressure. My parents are coming out for a few days to help with son until this hopefully passes.

      9. 😦 Jus, I am so sorry to hear that 😦
        I hope your parents will be helpful as I’m sure your son will enjoy spending time with them.
        I wonder if the universe is conspiring to bring them to you?

        Uh-oh I feel a song coming on 🙂

        For you bella 🙂

        I sent an email 🙂

        PR x

    2. Like you Lenore I have no interest in dating what so ever. Like you I love hard and fall hard. Mine hangs about on dating websites and so do many others exs here. For me personally that is an ideal playground for these monsters to groom their prey. As my one said “I can be whoever I want to be behind the screen” that shouts volumes to me. Just a bit of food for thought. x

      1. They hang around on dating websites cos sociopaths cant be on their own. They always need someone in the background for source of supply. Its quite pathetic really but they need their narc ego stroked….

    3. @Lenore

      So funny what you wrote how you fantasize about kicking him in the knee that you nursed :)))) It made me remember when I was in Anger (it was even Rage) phase I fantasized about jumping into his room with a huge rifle,
      machine gun and shooting him down :))))) like in Rambo movies :)))) But, that has past… maybe it served to “mentally” “kill” him in a way…. It will pass, I am a very stubborn and persistent person so these qualities were no help in getting out of anger, I was stubborn in not letting go 😦 …. but than I became stubborn to let go 🙂 it gets better 🙂

      1. Hahaha….and I was just cleaning it up….oh my fantasies get worse…it’s wierd because I’m at the end of the cycle, but I still have those feelings. Maybe I’m not at the end like I think I am. I keep telling myself I need to take up boxing to get it all out, but I just don’t have the time or money 😦

  12. Positivagirl:

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all of your effort, time, information and support.
    I lived two years of verbal, psychological, emotional, spiritual, physical abuse.
    He was addicted to drugs, blame the drugs for his behavior, but matched all the characteristics that have posted.
    An addict can be a socyopaths/psychopaths/Nar …. ?

    I have five months I disappeared from his life …. and I’m healing. My life changed after this experience. I’m still in shock …

    1. Welcome to the site Gabs!! 🙂 Sometimes it can help just to know that you are not the only one going through this and going through the pain and heartache that being involved with one causes.

      1. Thank you positivagirl for all the support. I don’t know where I would be today if it weren’t for all the posts and support all these wonderful woman. I feel so, bad at times knowing they have all gone thru hell like me and it was a nightmare. I must be stronger then I think to have had to endure this abuse and hell whole he put me in. I don’t miss him but now my tears are the pain of all he did and believe it or not I find myself hating him, now which I never did before but I;m sure this too will pass. But to be honest I will never forget and I have a scare of my arm from plastic surgery to remember what and who he really was.
        .

  13. Lenora- I am right there with you. I dated mine for 5 months and I knew something wasn’t right within a week, why didn’t I just drop him? Because he made me feel sorry for him and I felt compelled to help. I personally had no idea that spaths reacted this way. I have watched stories on spaths on tv but never really paid attention to the details of them because I thought I could just easily pick them out of a crowd. NO!
    The 2nd to the last time I saw my spath I saw him scroll through his phone text massages- btw he doesn’t delete him messages- it was so long that it had at least 30 no name text message just numbers.. so freakin’ creepy… My obsession stage is back again I am not sure why but I put his phone number in google and now find out he is a male escort for males.. I am so sick….. I also found out he is a truck driver, a dj, and he drives out of state to fix dj equipment for night clubs..” That might be a lie” and male escort.. LOL What else do I not know about him?
    I even mentioned to him that a lot truck drivers were spaths and when I see a truck driver I think of them as serial killers…. He said nooooo! At that time I had no idea that he was a truck driver.. LOL!
    Thank god I couldn’t get pregnant… He asked me to reverse my “essure” so we could have a baby.
    I truly don’t think he knows that he is a spath but he states on his escort site that he clearly has mental issues.. I flat out told him one day while driving that he wasn’t normal because he try to say he was glad he was normal. I laughed and said ” babe, you are not normal” then I patted him on the shoulder.. He never said a word he kept driving.. LOL! .

    1. @kljstl – I actually got tested for all manner of STDs after we broke up, and I didn’t even know for sure he was cheating. My doctor was, like “really?”. I said “don’t ask”. Thankfully everything came back OK. Phew!

      1. Well I’ve been tested once…. Now the wait…..
        My Dr said that sometimes STD’s don’t show up for 6 months.. So I will test again in 6 months..

      2. Yeah, I really need to get tested again. I did twice but like the doctor said, it takes 6 months for some to show up. Scary if you think of it….how stupid I was with my heart and body for this guy.

  14. I am so bouncing around in these stages. I’m passed disbelief and dog. But loneliness hurt acceptance are a problem. And I do a lot detective work to make myself feel better. I don’t feel liberated w the truth. I feel numb. It’s like my head knows. But I cannot make my heart shut the hell up!

    @gas. I’ve seen one guy since my ex. As a friend really. I don’t have a problem w trust. It’s more the letting go. Even tho I may like this guy it saddens me greatly to move forward passed a friendship bc that’s like closing the door on my ex-which is good and I need to do but it breaks my heart. Then I fall back into wondering if he has the same problem moving forward and I realize NO. And the cycle starts all over w me wondering how could he do this? Does he think of me? Did he care at all? Maybe I’m dating too soon. And I don’t really call it dating bc he’s a friend but it gets me outta the house and try to live a normal life. I’ve only dated 3 men in my life. My soc. my ex husband and one other. So I definitely am clueless. Lost. Still isolated. Not accepting. But then I do accept bc who wouldn’t when they see their naked boyfriend on a tranny site? Really now? How sick am I?

  15. I go through this too but the longer you have no contact the less those thoughts are there….. Ive been writing letters to him in a email form then I delete them or just save them so I let off steam.
    You are not sick. You and I have the same type of thoughts and Ive only dated a few people in my life too. I am in the “hating guy stage” I just don’t care.
    Just like you seeing yours on a tranny site, I saw mine on a male escort and this dates back to over a year ago. He had left my house several times , came back hours later, I asked him what he did and he said he visited one of his guy friends an hour away. HMMM! I think that was a call from one of his clients.. It makes me sick so sick I have been back on this obsession stage for 4 days now. I took a step back.. ugh! He makes me sick…

      1. I too am going thru this obsessing and can’t sleep and night.. I go from hating him to crying, It,s hard mine left me and moved in with another woman in a different state within 2 days. I even find her no and called her and all she could say was she will pray for me. Fk that bit–. Excuse my language but that was a knife in my back. Not only him but her too. Still angry 8 months later

  16. You are brilliant! It’s so funny to me, I named my blog, “It’s not my fault,” when I was still in the discovery phase. I smile every time I read that line now!
    Also I look forward to reading your blog everynight before bed. Old or new, Its a form of meditation for me.
    I direct someone new here on a regular basis for guidance.
    Thanks again.

  17. Wow! This morning I wrote comment on your earlier post Why you should never warn the sociopaths new partner – about ‘who they really are’ (I read that one first) … and now I went to read this one…. and most what I wrote in that post this morning now I see as characteristics you described in acceptance phase!! ( I even wrote how I am occupied with some new plans in my life – and you described that too!) Wow, that means I have made some steps in the acceptance phase! It feels good 🙂 Thank you so much for another great post!

    1. Yay to you for your road of recovery. it is so good to hear that you are moving forward – even if baby steps… it is steps in the RIGHT direction, rather than the circular dance with the sociopath!! 🙂

  18. Just an observation from reading a few of these comments from those who have been contacted by the OW or new spouse.

    It seems as though a few of us are under the impression that their new partner is also a sociopath. Maybe they are. But the frequency that I am reading it, I am almost wondering, what if some of them are, but what if some of them really arent? By no means am I trying to pretend I know the in’s and out’s of each of our situations, as they are all totally different and unique in their own messy fashion 🙂 Just more so curious from a clinical stand point.

    BUT! The point I am coming to is, wow, what if they actually ARENT sociopaths, and their assocaition with our ex sociopaths has that much control over them? Im sure some of these people would fall in the sociopath category, but lets not forget how manipulative and nasty these people can be and how many people they can influence!

    In doing research on sociopaths, history says hitler was a sociopath, and he had so many loyal followers….Although they were also evil for going with his plans, i doubt they were all sociopaths.

    I guess I am just more fascinated with their ability to manipulate, control and get others to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. In speaking to my Ex’Spath other woman, she had shamefully admitted to knowing about some of his terrible behaviors that she had to cover up for him, or he would get in trouble with the law. So, maybe at the time, she also looked like an “Evil accomplice” (although I dont know the details), she later comes out with shame of being involved. I know I have felt that way, anyway. Luckily it was never anything physically dangerous or against the law, but there were plenty of thoughts, behaviors or actions that had rubbed off on me that I look back at now and am ashamed to have been a a part of

    Just thinking out loud 🙂 By the way Pos, what are stats on sociopaths and how frequently we encounter them in society? For instance, in a room of 10, how many sociopaths would there possibly be?

    1. It is fascinating how someone with little education, can be so manipulative and smart to knowing how to get what they want from people. I know some spaths are educated, but mine was not. He was educated in the streets, which sometimes weighs more than a college degree.

      I read the Sociopath Next Door, and the author Martha Stout said that in our society (US), there is 1 in every 25. It’s interesting to learn that psychopathy is more prominent in western cultures. Not to say that other cultures don’t have sociopaths, they’re just smaller in numbers. She gave an example of some tribe that would “accidentally” push sociopaths off a cliff….sounds good to me, wish our society could do the same 😉

      1. Hi Lenore, my spath was uneducated as well, always asking me to spell words for him, real dummy. But very street smart, and not as dumb as you think, in fact very smart when it came to deceit lies manipulation and all that spath stuff that they do so well… No Contact pure an simple..

    2. Hi GL 🙂

      This is a copy of an email I received from the OW (Dr of Sociology) that is now with the Soc.
      I could not believe it when I read it because, she knows he’s a Sociopath but, I don’t really think she understands what one really is?

      Email from other woman sent to me:

      I apologise for not having responded sooner to your heartfelt email (sent May 14). I understand and commiserate with your distress. I hope you do not think I was ignoring you. Rather, part of my own coping strategy has been to limit the time I allow myself to think about this whole sorry saga. I do not access my personal emails at work and have had a few evenings ‘off’ from emails and indeed thinking. So I did not properly read your email until yesterday.

      Like you, I have never had problems with elevated blood pressure but my blood pressure is now significantly elevated and my doctor is monitoring it – if it is not significantly lowered by next week she will commence treatment. I would rather it lower itself. I am quite confident the heightened anxiety around our situation has elevated my blood pressure.

      I have been to my counselor but appointments are not as frequent as I probably need.

      I will take my time to work through my responses to Lou’s unfaithfulness and I am not sure how it will unfold. What I do know is that I will remain in the driver’s seat of my own life. I hope and believe you will too.

      You and I do not need to try and understand Lou’s motivations – that is the work he needs to do if he chooses. Trying to understand will simply do my head in and I am not willing to endure that.

      GL, you see how this Soc control makes her think she’s in the drivers seat although he has cheated on her their entire relationship.

      Let me know your thoughts as I appreciate your feedback 🙂

      Love & light 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. @PR

        Hi PR 🙂

        I found a quote from one article on this link http://cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm

        “Hare tells of a staff psychologist in a mental hospital whose life was destroyed by a psychopathic patient. He cleaned out her bank account, maxed out her credit cards, and then disappeared. How did he get to her? She said that her life had been “empty” and she had just simply succumbed to his sweet words and verbal caresses. As we already know, such words are cheap legal tender to the psychopath. They can say “I’ll pray for you,” or “I love you” just to create an impression. It really, really doesn’t mean a thing. But some people are so lonely and so desperate that even imitations are better than nothing.”

        It seems she has fell under the sociopath spell…

        Regarding that letter… to me it sounded reserved and not honest. The way she was giving excuses why she didn’t answer before, reminded me when my ex spath wrote in lengths similar excuses why he didn’t answer me earlier ( and what he wrote were all lies because I already had access and knew everything- it was in the early time when we remained in “friendly contact for a few months after the discard). Also in the book by David Lieberman “Never Be Lied To Again” (yes I am educating myself 🙂 he writes about telling excuses in lengths ( too much additional information that seems unnecessary) … from the book : “The liar will keep adding more information until he’s sure he has sold you on his story”

        Another thing – what she wrote “You and I do not need to try and understand Lou’s motivations – that is the work he needs to do if he chooses. Trying to understand will simply do my head in and I am not willing to endure that.” This is not something what a psychiatrist would say if, I assume from the mail, Lou is the sociopath. A psychiatrist should not say that you don’t need to understand and that he needs to chose to understand (i.e. to change?) What is the title of this blog that positivagirl made? “The knowledge will set you free” It is actually opposite of what this woman wrote you: we need to understand and they will not (as they can not) change.
        It seems to me that she is not honest and zombified by soc… and she obviously IS if she is a psychologist and in relationship with a soc…

        I didn’t understand though, was she already in relationship with him when she wrote this? If yes, then she is definitely making excuses for him, living in her fantasy that she is in a “driver’s seat”. Yeah, dream on. lol 🙂

      2. Hi Caerra,

        Thanks for the great feedback & yes she was is/was living with the Soc when she wrote it.
        This came after she contacted me whilst away with the Soc overseas.
        I had been in a relationship with him for 10 years & she has been in at the same time for 3 1/2 years at this stage of writing to me.
        I received this email (below) initially & had no idea about her or him until I got this & then the world crashed about me 😦 she aligned with me & we met then she turned tail & stayed with him?
        I was betrayed by him, then her as she wanted to meet her competition & I think the Soc was using the ‘Torture By Triangulation’ on us both.
        I think she has come from a lot of abuse as she was divorced but, admitted she wanted her ex-husband back & had also had another failed relationship within this 10 year period.
        I think she is very needy & vulnerable.
        She is a very wealthy lady & socially connected & lives in a very affluent area, all the stuff the Soc would love to cash in on!

        Email rec’d 21/04/13 😦
        This email concerns Lou. Please note that Lou is well and enjoying London with his family and partner – so no need for concerns as to his wellbeing.

        By way of introduction my name is Kerri and I have been travelling with Lou, his sister and his son. Lou and I visited Hong Kong together then were joined in Beverly Hills by his sister and his son. Together we travelled to New York and we are now in London. The entire trip has been for leisure.

        I am Lou’s relationship partner. We have been together for three and a half years and have lived together since mid 2012. We plan to marry next year – Lou’s idea and reiterated to me by Lou in New York a few days ago.

        Prior to last night (London time) Lou had not told me anything about you but after questioning from me he admitted to having had an intimate/sexual relationship with you. I am not sure if he has told you about me.

        I understand that this email is being received unexpectedly and for this and any shock you experience I sincerely apologise. I wish you no ill will. Rather, I am sending this email in the spirit of female solidarity. I am informing you of my relationship with Lou from my perspective. There is a strong likelihood that Lou’s version may be somewhat ‘sanitised’ as I expect his admission to me of his relationship with you is. For instance, he has not told me the duration of his relationship with you nor how often he sees you and under what circumstances.

        You may want to respond to this email. If you want to meet with me when I return to clarify anything please let me know. It might be helpful for you and me to meet. I can be reached on (edited)

        Regards

        Kerri

        Love & light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      3. @PR

        Wow, that woman has really low self esteem when she accepts all that crap from a sociopath and knows all about it!

      4. Hi Caerra, yes her self esteem is low 😦
        The fact that she travels the world lecturing etc…in human behavior is a worry & she does profiling for the Police etc….god help us 😦
        The OW told me her ex-husband cheated on her but, that she wanted him back so, cheating does not shake her free 😦
        It was always the deal breaker for me & if I were in her shoes (oh I am lol) I’d be running to the nearest EXIT!
        I think he also takes money from her as she asked me if I’d loaned him money.
        Ha! I am not rich so,NOOOOO but, he used to get money from his Mother before she passed (RIP) & strangely the OW came on the scene when his Mother could no longer fund his needs????
        Her arrival on the scene was very timely indeed & he had been saying for years he would love to live in a more affluent area & guess where she lives! Yep exactly where he always said he’d like to live!
        She also has connections to horse racing which is big her socially, money etc…he told me he hated the races but, guess what he loves going to now apparently (lol) gee, I wonder if he’s a SOCIOPATH (Dah!)….whatever he needs to be for her to love him, need him blah,blah….it really is that transparent & he gave her a figurine (oops part of his collection)
        I never got a figurine, but I did get a nice Mimco purse 🙂
        What a ludicrous life he leads, really very comical when I write about it now, what on earth was I thinking….???

        LOLOLOL

        PR

      5. @PR

        Hi PR 🙂
        From her emails she sounds pretentious and narcissistic, she probably needs to hear flattery and flowery talk. That need is even stronger than knowing he is cheating on her (disrespecting her in the lowest possible way) – in her case maybe because she is narcissist. Awgh…. and she gives lectures around the world and does police profiling… like you said, God help us 😦 I read somewhere that nowadays there is more and more sociopaths in fields like alternative, natural medicine… they see it as a great new opportunity (you know how sociopaths see ‘opportunities’) because they can easily fake compassion, being “good person” but actually nothing but conning and taking the money for nothing… I recently went to such one ‘holistic’ clinic… from the first moment I saw sociopathic red flags everywhere… I wanted to do some health tests there. On their webpage they wrote a lot that they have some diagnosis instruments that work on energy level etc… it really sounded good… in the end it turned out they were nothing but con men, they just listened to my ‘problems’ (not some big ones thankfully, but still chronic) and told me nothing but things you can generally read anywhere on internet.
        After reading these few posts about your friend that died suddenly of cancer and that other woman’s daughter being diagnosed so young… made me think …we shouldn’t really waste our time on sociopaths. Kick them out of our lives and take care of ourselves (my ex sociopath was mocking me behind my back for wanting to prepare healthy food – he only ate donuts and burgers) They only bring stress, addiction, dependancy…. we should see them as a source of distress in our lives and eliminate them. I am now relieved that nightmare with him is finally behind me.

      6. @Caerra – I didn’t even finish reading your comments, and had to reply.

        YES!!! I was in alternative/complementary health for a decade, and it is FILLED with SPs! Sad, I know, but what shocked me is that these people have such a high opinion of themselves as “healers and care-givers”. Give me a fcuking break – they feign compassion, but will stab you in the back to get ahead, with no second thought about slandering you to make themselves look better. I had a friend who did just that to me – she played the victim really well, but several years later, her true colours are coming out to people who supported her vs. me, as she has turned on them as well.

        This in addition to being so insecure they can’t handle competition, and have to get nasty and dirty to keep their businesses growing – what hypocrites!

        Thankfully I am well away from that crowd now, and except for the ex-bf, haven’t run into people like that for a while. That’s OK, my eyes are wide open now …

      7. That is so true about them not being able to tolerate competition. I’ve worked with many such insecure characters; once they identify anyone formidable, they immediately set to undermining. You’d think they’d at least want to learn what you know first. Small, silly little people.

      8. @Darling

        Thanks for you answer! I am glad to hear confirmation that my observation was right, when I say something like that to my friends, they don’t quite understand, they probably think how I now see sociopaths everywhere! But yes, my eyes are open now! I also see when some person does not have conflict between what they say and what they do… and in this clinic this conflict was displaying itself even from the very beginning. For example, I called them and they scheduled my appointment at 9.20 am. When I came there they told me that I was scheduled at 10 am not 9.20. They didn’t want to admit although it was a blunt lie, it was obvious that they have put someone else before me, so moved my appointment to 10.00 and they didn’t want to bother themselves to call me about rescheduling (disrespect and lying ) It was a first big red flag. Then I was supposed to drink half a liter of water before first check and then again before the third one (with a different scanner) … but when I came there, they turned upside down everything and I didn’t drink the water as she first told how it should be done (again conflict between what they said and what they do). And the results of their ‘renowned’ energy scanner was ridiculous! Absolutely nothing! And for example they gave me Bach flower drops, they didn’t give me specification what kind of flower extracts they mixed in it, and when I asked the “doctor” how do I take the drops, do I dilute them in water? She just answered pretentiously “Everything is written on the bottle” I looked at the bottle and it was only written Bach drops, my name and 3 to 4 drops daily. I answered that it is not written and asked again how to take and… can you imagine she repeated like I am stupid or something “it is all written on the bottle”. with a pretentious smile. in the end she finally said “you put the drops into the spoon and swallow it” When I came home I googled and found that the traditional way according to Bach is to sip the drops under the tongue or in the glass of water. Con men… exact opposite to the beautiful words they wrote about themselves on their website…Phew..

      9. I’m happy to say that they’re not ALL like that – I was a practitioner and had a bad experience from a different perspective. I now find all of my practitioners from word of mouth from people I respect – it seems to be working much better for me now. Best of luck in finding someone who can help you on your path …

      10. Hi Caerra,

        Your fantastic & I appreciate all your insights & am so happy you are finally free:)
        Gives us all great hope & inspiration.
        Success after the Sociopath, I love it 🙂

        I don’t know if I sent you this but, I think us Tigers should stick together.
        No More Soc’s Ever!

        P-ROAR 🙂
        xoxo

      11. @PR

        Thank you for a great song!
        When I was younger and having some tough times (not about love 🙂 I used to remember how the coach used to repeat to Rocky (Stallone) in the ring… “eye of a tiger, eye of a tiger” … I was little when I watched that movie but that sentence stayed in my mind and appeared to me when I needed some encouragement to stick to the fight..

        If my soc ever tries to contact me again … it will be like “Don’t Touch Lion While it Sleeps” 🙂

      12. Glad you liked the song Caerra 🙂

        I am a Leo star sign & have a lot of the straits even the not so flattering ones 🙂
        My Soc is a Capricorn which suits him, dirty old Ram 🙂

        I love music (guess you know that) & I get a lot of message from my guides that way 🙂
        I am also very artistic etc…so visual & I love colour 🙂

        My favourite singer Wendy Mathews wrote this song but, I can’t find a video?
        The words are amazing, have a read 🙂

        Soul debt

        (Wendy Matthews, Glenn Skinner)

        Why are so … fauvorite nations
        The better sons of this good earth
        Why the money men and p… shakers
        They count the costs but not the worth
        They always grab the lions share
        and live there live from day to death
        Never think there’s a price to pay

        It’s a soul debt and they’re gonna belong
        to a soul debt from the weak to the strong
        It’s a soul debt and they’re gonna go down
        And you know that it’s not from this time around

        My mamma said don’t trace your shadow
        just leave it lying there behind
        Sometimes the devil lies behind the detail
        an eye for eye does leaves you blind
        You can be the critic, the creator
        the giver or the taker
        you can saw stand alone or stand in line

        It’s a soul debt and they’re gonna belong
        to a soul debt from the weak and the strong
        It’s a soul debt and you’re gonna go down
        And you know that it’s not from this time around

        And it can almost sound like a laughter
        and moves from madness to divine
        and you know it’s not the ending that I’m after
        I just don’t wanna say goodby
        I don’t wanna say goodby

        It’s a soul debt and we’re gonna belong
        to a soul debt from the weak and the strong
        It’s a soul debt and you’re gonna go down
        And you know that it’s not from this time around
        It’s a soul debt and we’re gonna belong
        to a soul debt from the weak and the strong
        It’s a soul debt and we’re gonna go down
        And you know that it’s not from this time around

        This song haunted me along with others & when the Soc was exposed I heard a large bell tolling sound so, hopefully one of my soul debts is paid?

        PR xoxo

      13. Hi PR 🙂 and everyone else here! 🙂

        PR, my ex spath was also a Lion star sign 🙂 but he had that characteristic of being a lazy lion who lets lioness do all the work 🙂 I am Aries and am really stubborn (my uncle used to tell me that I was stubborn like a donkey:) … and eventually that helped me to stick to the recovery road (although it didn’t help while I was stubborn to not let go) I am doing better and better these days 🙂 I feel that I don’t have a need to write about him anymore, I think I wrote it ALL here 🙂 Like someone previously said here : Talking here, we take the garbage out and let the positive in 🙂 It has been a great help sharing and all the feedback from all you on this site and the posts by positivagirl are lifesaver guidelines!! Few days ago I wrote how yes, if he ever contacts me again he will hear me ‘roar’… but now I even think it will be more like when a lion waves with tail to chase a boring fly (a sociopath) away 🙂

        p.s. PR, I think I didn’t quite understand the song Soul Debt…. I see sociopath as a lowlife, I am not even giving him some ‘higher’ explanation. Just the other day I watched on Animal Planet a show about one parasite who transforms and lives in different animals for his whole life (moving from one animal to another) And the saddest was about a frog – he somehow goes into the frog, and the poor frog infected with this creature begins to have some kind of new legs – some extensions and from these extensions, the poor frog becomes almost paralyzed, she can’t move and so she become easy prey of a bird who eats the frog. When he enters into the body of a bird, the parasite transforms and begins new ‘phase’ (his making the frog unable to move was the parasite’s agenda!) … When I saw that frog I thought… that’s what sociopaths do in human world..they are human parasites and we must get rid of them!

        Here is a link about this parasite http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3zbwWfoYmg
        It seems it is called Ribeiroia – Sociopath is a ribeiroia in human world!

      14. Hi Caerra 🙂

        Thank-you for that article, once again gave me more insight & resolution with-in myself 🙂

        This extract was me all over 😦 & the OW as well, probably his ex-wife & on it goes….

        Sadly, as we see, psychopaths have no lack of victims because so many people are ready and willing to play the role. And in many, many cases, the victim simply refuses to believe the evidence that they are being victimized. Psychological denial screens out knowledge that is painful, and persons with large investments in their fantasies are often unable to acknowledge that they are being deceived because it it too painful. Most often, these are women who rigidly adhere to the traditional role of the female with a strong sense of duty to be a “good wife.” She will believe that if she tries harder or simply waits it out, her husband
        will reform. When he ignores her, abuses her, cheats on her, or uses her, she can simply just decide to “try harder, put more energy into the relationship, and take better care of him.” She believes that if she does this, eventually he will notice and will see how valuable she is, and then he will fall on his knees in gratitude and treat her like a queen.

        Dream on.

        Yep, says a lot!

        Love & light 🙂

        PR xoxo

        Listen to this 🙂

      15. Hi Caerra 🙂

        Thank-you for that link 🙂
        It spoke volumes,

        Sadly, as we see, psychopaths have no lack of victims because so many people are ready and willing to play the role. And in many, many cases, the victim simply refuses to believe the evidence that they are being victimized. Psychological denial screens out knowledge that is painful, and persons with large investments in their fantasies are often unable to acknowledge that they are being deceived because it it too painful. Most often, these are women who rigidly adhere to the traditional role of the female with a strong sense of duty to
        be a “good wife.” She will believe that if she tries harder or simply waits it out, her husband will reform. When he ignores her, abuses her, cheats on her, or uses her, she can simply just decide to “try harder, put more energy into the relationship, and take better care of him.” She believes that if she does this, eventually he will notice and will see how valuable she is, and then he will fall on his knees in gratitude and treat her like a queen.

        Dream on.

        😦 This was me & the OW & the Ex etc…

      16. She seems to be saying she has decided to accept him for what he is, though she admits needing to take nights off from dealing with the reality of it, which also suggests she’s getting more than she bargained for. I mean, she’s having to treat herself with counseling to deal with him so, if she’d ever hoped she might be of help to him at any point, it’s pretty clear she can do little for either of them (so, driver’s seat? hmm…)

        Maybe I’m reading a little in but, the content and positioning of the other phrase Caerra pointed out, about understanding his motivations, sort of reads like an invitation to you (PR) to go away and leave it to the doctor? She says to examine his motivations would simply “do her head in”, but I wonder if she really means yours. I mean, she’s hanging in, right? So her blood pressure aside, she can’t be too concerned about her own health. You have to wonder what she’s getting out of this.

        To me, “I will take my time to work through my responses… not sure how it will unfold” is the most telling comment in that it hints that she is enjoying the drama (in other words, she doesn’t expect to be leaving in any hurry), and if I can play amateur armchair psychologist, maybe even indulging some personal narcissistic tendencies… but you’d have to ask her to know for sure, since she’s in the driver’s seat.

        So much for my restraint from (over)analyzation… 😉

      17. Hey Jusa 🙂

        No your bang on & I realised that after I discovered ‘Torture by Triangulation’, she needed me well out of the picture so, when we met she nearly fell over.
        She said “oh your gorgeous of course”, to which I replied, “it’s not a competition”….it obviously was.
        I realised his attraction to her was her money, title & social network.
        He first zeroed in on her with one of his OW’s at a funeral for a mutual friend. (yes also within the same time as me!) So that’s two & me that I’m aware of 😦
        He then used this to reconnect with her for professional reasons as she had just completed some profiling/studies for the Police etc…he needed advice as he was involved in some legal cases within the Fire Brigade…he really is very crafty!
        I think she will marry him & good luck with that.
        Me, I would never stay with a man that’s cheated on me throughout the entire relationship.as that’s the deal breaker & always has been always will be.
        She found others during her detective work & had also followed him so, crazy behaviour & he really is not worth it. He was angry at her for cutting off his supply of me but, I was dispensable & anything to save himself 😦
        If I had started doing any of that I would definitely have called it quits!
        Your a good analyser & I appreciate the way you look at things for me 🙂

        This was my reply to her email that initially exposed him;

        Hi Kerri,

        By now Lou would either be heavily into damage control & explaining everything etc…he has a logical excuse for most things.

        He will not be at all happy that we have been in contact & he has stopped replying to me.
        Not that I want to hear from him anyway but,did send a request re my sister-in-laws car oh and,I gave him a bit of a spray re this turn of events.

        Lou’s ego is enormous & he is what you would probably describe as a “Sociopath”,type personality.
        He will be fuming that he has been discovered & biting his nails to the quick. (You must have noticed his hands).

        He will be telling you that and I quote from the master himself,”You are the the only woman he has ever felt this way about”,”Best he’s ever had” (intimately).
        “Can be himself with you” & the piece de resistance,your “Special,beautiful,attractive,smart,funny”, blah,blah,blah!

        He has probably reinforced to you that ,”You are his possession & that if he ever catch’s you with another man he’ll kill you!”.
        He will have obsessed over your past relationships & in particular how many others you have had before him etc….
        You may or may not have heard all this but,this was his almost daily mantra with me.
        I am a very loyal & respectful woman so,would never go with another man whilst with someone,that’s another thing he likes.
        Obviously this does not apply to him!

        Lou told me he was overseas on a training course for work,he has done this before also. I wonder now whether he was with you or someone else?
        I have come close a couple of times in the past few years to finding out about you,obviously I can see it all now. He & I know some mutual people so,he has nearly been exposed twice that I”m aware of. I also saw him text you recently whilst lying on my couch!
        You were a client apparently,I saw your name,same spelling.

        Lou’s mothers funeral would be one time. I was to go but,he told me the wrong day so,by the time I found out it was too late.
        I was very hurt by this as I was only going out of respect etc…he came to my house for dinner that night but,I had been forewarned so,threw him out.
        He then explained why etc…& made me feel guilty so,I went back to normal with him. (After all it was his mother).
        I was told you were there by a friend but,he said that was lies & blamed his ex Pam for kicking up a fuss etc…which she may or may not have done?
        By way of smoothing things over he had Rosa invite me over for dinner with Pat,Sarah & Lily.
        I believe Sarah came to support Rose because she was not comfortable looking me in the face because she knew the truth!
        It’s all falling into place now!

        Another occasion he had Sarah ring me to tell me her mother-in-law was stirring trouble. Pat’s mother in-law is best friends with my hairdresser who is my friend. She told me he was overseas with you last time? She also told me he had someone else!

        No wonder he is always exhausted,two jobs & two women or more. Lou is everyone’s friend so,is always doing,going or meeting someone for something. He has been a great support to me emotionally (made me stonger now!).
        He controls all this double life by using his job etc…all those shifts,meetings,paperwork. At least this has been my experience.
        He also says, “Just give me one ring & I’ll call you when I’m free”,another way to control the situation.

        Over the last three & a half years that you have been with him,he has been less frequent with me only in the last twelve month’s that he has been living with you?
        He told me he was living with Rosa at his mother’s but,all this time he has been living with you!
        I pretty much went to his townhouse everyday prior to this & we were intimate nearly every time. It was close to where I work so,convenient for him.

        I never let Lou stay over when my kids were around as,I have my own home.
        I also put my children first as I did not want them traumatised if things didn’t work out after my marriage breakdown.
        Over the years,I have also enjoyed my independence so,glad to have a mature relationship that did not impact my life too much.
        Lou liked this as it got him “Off the hook”,so to speak.

        I am telling you all this now just in case he has worn you down with his excuses. I saw him & was intimate with him the day before you left,& he called me from the airport. he has emailed me on a regular basis.

        I now realise that I was the “Spare” in his life. I know of others earlier on but,he insisted they were just friends.
        Lou is very proud that all his ex’s are still friends & has told me this. (Not this little black duck though!).
        His ex Pam caught him out like this,Sarah told me all that happened (I never told Lou as I had been told this in confidence).

        He will pretty much eradicate me from his life now that he has been exposed. Which suits me fine. He cannot explain his way out of this one. I had never trusted him anyway. I also told Lou what he wanted to hear! I’m not that stupid & played along.
        I have had opportunities even recently to date other men but,I am exclusive with him.

        Remember Kerri that had he not been found out this would have continued,even after you marry? If not with me then the next one.
        Lou has always kept me at bay so,that he could continue to lead his double life & change it when necessary.
        I was never invited to any celebrations or he had too work for most of mine.
        He couldn’t have his worlds collide,much easier for him to operate this way.
        He,’Liked his cake & ate it too!’.

        You are right,Lou is a very charming predator who loves all this but,is obviously looking to settle down & be looked after by you!
        He is getting older & probably tiring more. (Poor thing!).

        There is more to tell I’m sure but,I just wanted to fill you in on some of it.
        I am sorry he has played with us both. I have never asked Lou for a thing & never will again.
        Just the way he likes it!

        Take care & do contact me,as I said I must tell you something very personal but,cannot in an email :0(

        I am staying strong,just lost a close relative yesterday & one of my best friends is dying so,I am involved in a fundraising effort for her. Another close friend needs a bone marrow transplant so,I am keeping everything in perspective.
        This situation is a mess but,survivable!

        Yours Truly & in Solidarity,
        End Email.

        Jusa, we didn’t’ met face to face til about a week later & everything I said he would say he did & all the stuff I told he re his lines, she said were verbatim!

        Talk Soon 🙂

        PR xoxox

      18. @PR

        Thanks for the fallen angel song. Yes they zombify us, but we can escape!! Although I was feeling totally lost ( my sister told me I looked like I lost compass) and I thought that he attacked the core of my being and destroyed me…. now I know/feel he actually didn’t manage to do it. There is, I think in bible, the lines “There is no death in Truth” … for the ones who live in truth, it is not easy to destroy their “core” … Lying sociopath is his own worst enemy, he writes the death sentence for his “core” by living for the lies, manipulation, hurting, deceiving. Like you said in some of your previous posts about that song “Jar Of Hearts” … the jar is open 🙂 That song reminded me how I gave him as gift a necklace with my name and a red heart … it was like “I gave you my heart”… maybe he has put it in some jar nowadays 🙂 Well, let him keep the necklace, I regenerated my heart and have it again! 🙂

      19. Caerra 🙂

        Buy yourself a new necklace or something symbolic that signifies your great strength
        & survival 🙂
        Maybe a new shiny heart 🙂

        Love always PR 🙂
        xoxo

      20. @PR

        Yes! I actually bought myself during this last year (since I have set myself on the recovery road) a necklace, ring, earrings ( all yellow gold which is my favorite! – so I rewarded and honored myself with valuable things while things that he gave me as gifts were all cheap silver, he always use to say how he likes to give little but meaningful gifts – what a sociopathic excuse for being cheap and selfish, when you love someone you want to buy something valuable for him/her) Well no more cheap, dirty, lying soc in my life :))) p.s I was always very modest and only had one golden ring that my mom gave me as a gift when I graduated… but I always bought him more valuable gifts than the ones he gave to me… well, no more of that ! 🙂

      21. Hi Caerra,

        I was exactly the same re gifts & I always put so much thought & money into what I gave him!
        He was always so impressed?
        I am so pleased you spoilt yourself as it’s nice to be reminded of the most valuable things we own (us) & the symbolic jewellery keeps us focused 🙂
        Mine used to give me perfume & usually not wrapped!
        He did give me a nice Mimco purse which I really liked 🙂
        Last Christmas I put my foot down & made him buy the perfume I actually like & he was annoyed & left the receipt in the bag to show me how generous he was!!!
        It’s so funny now what we see that we didn’t before & like you I am glad that fool is gone 🙂
        I cannot even see what I saw in him now, which is great 🙂

        Take care bella & keep spoiling yourself 🙂 I am 🙂

        Love PR xoxo

      22. @PR. You just totally described what I always done. Forgive, try harder, forgive, try even harder, forgive and try harder still. Its so exhausting and yes we hope and prey that they will change and see the light but as we all know they never do. I gave it my all and was so beaten down by the end. Getting out is the only option we have to save ourselves.

        Hope your well. LO and myself are doing well. I’m keeping strong and taking each day as it comes. Surly things can only get better. Xx

      23. Hi SD 🙂

        Thank you & yes I am a great forgiver 😦 & after a lifetime of protecting abusers it’s my time to forgive myself & heal 🙂

        We are lucky to have found each other & I am glad you are doing better, still a ways to go but, we will get there bella 🙂

        Lots of love to you & LO 🙂

        PR xoxo

    3. Gaslighted…in the research I’ve done, I’ve read in several places that at any given time in our country, there are 7 million of them out there walking around. As to the rest of what you said, I think more often then not, most of the other partners spaths have are people like us, people who are too nice and those are the folks who are being taken advantage of the most…

  19. hey positive gal
    I have been good thanks to your help and your site..and my self love I am feeling stronger..and I am not having a set back..I am more just venting here my anger..over the fact that loser ex girl ..made a new mail and wrote me and I am angry I read it:( I will never read again! She wanted to let me know she got married..and to please never enter in contact or come after her cos he new love hubby is super jealous..and she cant sleep this days scared i will make contact heheeheeh I have run far and fast from this monster since april and never made one single contact and she has had tried to hoover me in try to make and react to her youtube posts for months as you know…she try all she can..then she post the day of her wedding under a comm of mine in a song eheehhe then she post me a dedication love song..( when I was your man she wrote woman ) to my greatest love.. then she post the day before the said date of this wedding.. there is first love, impossible love and lover forever..with you I have all 3 ” what the heck? I never ever react i felt even sorry for this nasty loser… then now this new mail gmail does not let you block by the way.. but there she asked me please answer me so I know you read my mail..I cant sleep for days afraid you will contact me and my husband is very jealous” let me know you read it, you dont need to write me anything just send my email back so I know you have read it”
    what the hell.. I will never read any mail from this loser. she makes no sense!!!!!! why would I contact her to make her husband jealous why would I go see her in mexico where she moved to ? eheheheh I want this crazy liar out of my life since april!!!!! my god!
    Thanks guys

    1. Ew, why do they do that? Why would she email YOU when you haven’t contacted her anyway? To say that she has got married and to not contact her – you hadn’t anyway 🙂 Aragh its just designed to press your buttons and likely she hasn’t got married….

      1. I have not reacted at all not a thing..I have been busy with my horse..and serious things lately in my life..no time to even care about this loser..she is sure a sociopath! I dont give a damn she got married so fast I know ..but eheehhe who dedicates a love song the day before their wedding? and having a super jealous hubby? hehehe she said I need deeply for your answer so I know you have read and won’t contact me.. my man he is so very jealous! and I have migranes in fear you will come see me ! me Go to mexico! heheeh hellooo the last place I would go see her ..never again ,she is a huge nightmare . a gross sick liar ..is like you said they need to control and win…and I left her and I went NC with her in months..and she tried all this time in odd ways…
        I must say I fear her..she is ill …I actually now do…she sent me this song she put on the title she know I would not read..but i read the lyrics
        Katy Perry – Roar is horrible
        shows a sociopath there..dont you think?

    2. Hi Smart Me =)

      Just keep pressing DELETE & eventually she will be DELETED out of your life & memory forever 🙂

      What a crazy person but, feel sorry for he newbie husband, that’s going to burn him eventually (sigh) still not your problem 🙂

      Go out & find yourself a decent human being (girl) They are out there, looking for Mr Normal 🙂

      Just watch the type of girl you might be attracted too, as that may attract another psycho!

      Love & light 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. Just a note to let you know how very thankful am to you for caring about me when no oneself has. My few friends just don’t understand. They say to me just move on and I say its not that easy and if it were I would have done that years ago. I don’t miss him at all but I do hate him for all that he did to me and hope one day his life falls apart and he ends up homeless and not able to use or hurt another woman. I know with his new ow his mask will fall at one point and she will realize that I was not lieing. I also, believe at times she remembers what I told her about his lies and using woman..Love and prayers sent to you

      2. It is difficult to just ‘move on’ when you feel someone else has stolen you, your body, mind and soul – and then abused you, it is not that easy. The sociopath goes to great manipulative lengths to manipulate and control – so it is going to take some equal lengths to heal and recover!

      3. Hi Marion 🙂

        You are such a special lady 🙂
        I know you are getting stronger & healthier every day 🙂

        Your a Beautiful View 🙂

        Love & light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      4. Hi, Phoeonix you are a amazing woman and give so, much of yourself to these woman and I know for me you have helped me so very much. Pos,, gaslight and darling,and Caerra all you woman I feel for you because I know the pain that these monsters create and all the damage they do to ones lives. To think how much we all have put into these relationships to be dumped and discarded like a dirty rage is EVIL. Mine left 8 months ago and is living in a different state and this ow has no idea of who she is with. Shes in for a big surprise when all is said and done. I hope one day she will remember what we talked about before he got there.. But who knows but I know this that right now I could care less if he lived or died. Sorry to say this but its how I feel. Hopefully one day I will feel nothing. It’s hard because I have a scare on my arm to remind me always how I could be dead if my head had hit the wall. God was watching out for me this I believe. Love to all.

      5. Marion! So nice to hear from you. I hope you are doing well and keeping your head up! Just remember, it is not until we are truly destroyed that we get a chance to realize that which is truly indestructible within is. This is your moment. Dont give up! We’re here for you!

      6. Hi Marion 🙂

        Please remember that you are a true survivor & another inspiration to us all 🙂

        Keep healing & always come here for support when you need it as the site has evolved to one of amazing power of love & light but, most of all hope 🙂
        We have shared stories, pain, life experiences, very powerful stuff & we are all still standing 🙂
        We are on this journey for a reason, hard as it is 😦 but, we are all pushing through & getting help from each other & advice & validation 🙂
        It’s an amazing group of people here so, Marion hold your head up high you are part of a very special network of Sociopath survivors 🙂

        Enjoy your life, Tigers are we 🙂

        Love PR xoxo

  20. what stage am I? I cant care less about this trash liar..but i fear her now..I know what she is..but if im scared and I read her mail..Im not cured 😦 I feel shame i read it 😦

    1. Thanks Pos, Phoenix and Darling for your wise input. Yes no contact for quite a while, he figures they will tell me and that will provoke me to call him, Game Over like that crazy guy on them saw movies lol, all jokes aside I know he craves any type of emotion from me poor thing should get a life. No Contact.. Love an Peace guys!! 😉

      1. Proud of you B 🙂

        Stay strong as NC is really the only way to get your control & life back 🙂

        Love PR xoxo

    2. Hi Smartme, dont feel ashamed, look at this siuation, its curiosity. This is why you read them, I would to. But when you go through the different stages of grieving you wont give two hoots as to what she wrote. No Contact, works every time. Good Luck… Peace an love 😉

      1. thanks guys ..you all know how it is…I just read that mail and I felt bad cos I am so good about not falling for reading her crap..fact is i find her very able to be a fatal attraction..and I fell for the title you must read it.. then you should know better not to read!!!!! 😦 fact is she wanted me so bad to let her know I read..her weeks of migranes and not able to sleep cos her jealous hubby might find out about me..what the heck! I cant care less what hell happens to this awful person..I see her for a long while now for what she is a huge liar..manipulator..sarcastic cruel..abusive..spoiled.. controlling girl..I was not able to leave for a while I fell for her anorexia talk and ill kill me ..talk then and her stories..but im no social worker…and is all lies..I found this site and saw her . positive gal described her down to as if she met her.. what a lack of originality.. they are all the same..no matter what country they come from..age and whatever..is amazing!!!
        but I never react.. as positive gal said..maybe she never even married..is just to make me feel jealous..but I hope she did..somehow maybe she will leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to close my mail but then i will lose my youtube and my videos many I cant remake and is all about my wild life friends.. ..well is not fair to lose the things i love cos of a stalker! Is nothing there for her to see! oh yes my comm about music I love..she I guess wants to think the songs is about her! how absurd..lately I feel I cant even enjoy my songs cos if I write a comm under she will see and read the lyrics and think ..oh is about me” she thinks the world turns around her.. 23 and a nar sociopath borderline liar liarrrrrrrr … she is kreepy..but yes curiosity..is right ..I read for that too. but she is proud so she will not write another mail in a long time..her pride is very important to her..she would hate to look like a gal that is stalking on me..oh not her! she is happy married =D So go love your new love and get the hell out of my life for good!! Good ridance blood sucker ..they are..
        I just wish I knew what stage am I ??
        I will get to a point I dont care to talk of what that liar does =D
        best luck to you all =D and lets win this!!!!=D

      2. Hi Smart Me 🙂

        This song is for you as it reminded me of your story 🙂

        & the other song also may help you move forward hopefully 🙂
        are you a wildlife warrior?

        Those Dixie Chicks are pretty gorgeous so, BONUS 🙂

        Take Care, Love & light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      3. I too dont believe she married. And even if she did that wont keep her from annoying you. They have no soul either, thats friggin scares me. Its actually like your having exchanges with the devil. Frig that. No Contact none, none at all. Peace an love Sme 😉

  21. Yes Bewildered they are Satans ..if there is such a thing is Devil..sociopaths, psycopaths..all this cruel abusers..either mental abuse..mind control…manipulation to abuse etc…of course sure murders..violence..and to me the worse.. cruelty to animals! This is what the devil is! As you know the world leaders have always been sociopaths and narcissists! They need to control..they order to kill and stalk and spy…they all do that..look at politicians most are!..They send pics naked of themselves..they cheat and lie… and many of this sociopaths love jobs that gives them the right to kill and abuse and control as policeman politicians… etc Just watch ! My ex ..yuck !!! Makes me ill to think she was my ex… that I ever fell for that loser..makes me ashamed I was so lacking in self love that I fell in the trap ..but I was dumb then, since I found here Im smart now =D
    Be strong you all and NON CONTACT ..it kills them!!! Is what they need to survive ..attention!! Control and win!

    1. Yeah Sme, they have a verylow tolerance for being ignored. I have better things to do, Im drained and tired otherwise Im ok. Just wanna rest and focus on me. Peace an love 🙂

      1. Phoenix, Thankyou so much for the Kelly C. song, Im sorry I meant to thank you earlier. Also I seen Behind the candleabra a few months ago on HBO, I cant tell you how many times I watched it!! I think you were right though about Liberace being a spath. Peace an love thanks for your support… 🙂

  22. C.R.A.Z.Y

    ** Confused:: “What the heck just happened?” “who is this man I gave my Heart to?”
    *** Riled Up:: ” WTF!? Can’t stop replaying all that has happened…took the glasses off and ‘whooooah….I can see clearly now and all I want to do is be Angry!!!!!”
    **** Abandoned: “He left me…the person I thought he was left me and all that I am left with is a LIE”
    ***** Zebra::” can’t think of a word that starts with Z to describe what I am feeling…other than Zebra…like an Idiot (he called me an idiot often…some truth to that), I met up with him after the ‘silence’ stage , after he stalked me to meet him….and we were driving along the coast and there were Zebras…most ‘normal’ folks would be like “wow! cool! how beautiful!” he sat emotionless in his sea of misery…..OOOOF!”
    ****** Yikes!!!!::: “what a SCARY experience! So charming a year ago when I met him….how kind and sweet he was….how Quick he was to claim me as his own….”you are the most important thing to happen to me since being born”…Hooked….then the Abuse….slooooowly……then the apparent Lies……so many lies……more Abuse…..more lies…..”Who is this person I fell in love with????”…….YIKES! Scary stuff indeed!

    I think he is finally leaving the continent back home…..I am stunned. I have never met anyone in my life that LIES so much as him…..how he can hoodwink all he meets…though, he must move often as once he removes his mask (which happens in due time) people SEE who he really is…….I am in a Sea of emotions. though the scare on my arm from our last encounter (I tried to leave and he pulled the handles off my bag, grabbed my neck to strangle me, threw me down to the ground….then day later accused me of hitting him!!!????)…..this was meeting with him one month after the silence, I had started to move on…..I did not tell anyone I was meeting him as i was embarrassed…there was HOPE in my HEART he had changed…..he had only gotten WORSE. He is worse than I ever imagined!!!!

    I starting writing a Love Story last year when I met him….I have documented Everything….readers will think it is Fiction…how can anyone be so PHONY??? ….It is true….

    I am still in SHOCK< phase…..though I Accept the Truth…and I am HAPPY HE IS GONE AND I AM STILL ALIVE…..my last moments with him were the tip…I know now If I stayed with him, he would have killed me.

    Let us all say "Thank You Universe for Letting them Out of Our Life"…on this New Moon. New Beginnings. Karma will come there way.

    Thanks for reading……sorry for the rant…..sooooo much to Process, as you all know!!!!

    Blessings to you ALL!

    1. This is for Rsav an lumminite hope I have ur names correct, if not apologies.Read both stories and my heart goes out to both you woman, I know what its like living with a spath, Ive lived with mine for 25yrs. The best advice I wil give you is Keep No contact, stay reading all of our stories vent write what you are also feeling that is how we help each other, no one else understands us so thank God we all have each ither, I go through so many bkigs and conments a day it isnt funby but it lifts me uo. Good luck to both of you, you can do it. Peace an Love 🙂 NO CONTACT, thats the key. .

  23. Not sure how this blog works yet but I am going to re-post this where it looks like the posts are the most recent:

    I just found this site out of a desperate search online to find something – anything – that would help me, and I am so eternally grateful I found this site, it’s been my lifeline for the past 48 hours and will be for the foreseeable future.

    I had just made a huge life change when I met my ex, picked up and moved to a brand new city for a great job where I knew not one single person, and built an amazing life for myself with great friends, etc. I was the happiest and best version of myself when he came along, 6 months into my new life. We met and immediately fell in love, it was instant and I had never felt that way before. I thought I had found my fairy tale. We did long distance for 2 months and then 3 months in he moved to my city and into my apartment. We were together 8 months total, and then on and off for the past year. I didn’t realize he was a sociopath, or maybe thought it but didn’t want to admit it, until recently. I ignored all red flags – his instant connection with me (I was on a love high), his lack of a career (he was a lifeguard when I met him, 7 years younger than me, and was waiting word about getting into officer school for the Army, needless to say that never transpired) his odd behavior when he drank, and his temper, his incessant lying, and the fact that I allowed him to live rent free while I went to work and he stayed home “looking for a job.” Long story short, he left his email open on my computer one day and I found out that he was on multiple dating websites, had secret email accounts, and would sext and send sexual pics and videos of himself all day long to multiple women (instead of looking for a job). He was a master manipulator, so of course he weaseled his way back in with LIES, overwhelming gestures of love, crying, pleas he would change, etc. Of course he didn’t. After the 2nd time I caught him I kicked him out and he got his own place, but naturally I caught him again. He kept me on his string since then, alternating between grand gestures of love and then terrorizing me with lies, blame (it was all my fault I am crazy), screaming at me, calling me terrible names, being psychical with me – you name it. The highs were so high, and the lows were/are unbearable. I allowed it to happen, and feel foolish and worthless. I am a very strong and independent, a very successful career woman and am also attractive and have a lot going for me – and I let this person into my life and he just bulldozed over me, leaving me a shell of my former self while he goes along his merry way, calling me crazy, psycho, and leaving a wake of destruction behind him, with me having zero coping mechanisms or concept of how to move on. I KNOW I need NC, and made a vow to myself today was the first day of the rest of my life (after he said terrible, horrible, heartless things to be on text last night, placing all blame on me and telling me it was over and he’s done) but I am so addicted to this person and their poison, I am struggling. I can’t talk to my friends about it, they are all sick of hearing his name and I have lost one friend because of him. I do have a therapist and she is helpful, but I need this site in the in-between times because getting through the day is rough.

    Thank you all for listening to my story. There is so much more to the story, as you all can imagine, but just reading through this blog and listening to you all is so very helpful when I feel so desperate.

    1. Welcome Rsav 🙂

      Yes it’s a hard journey & NC is the best way to go 🙂
      You cant vent, share, support & basically find that you are not alone 🙂
      We all are here for you so, take your time & read etc…it’s a terrific blog for information & empowerment so….time for you to get answers, heal & find the person you were before the Soc hell 😦

      Love & Light 🙂

      PR xoxo

    2. @Rsav
      Same here.keep yourself busy with work.it helps keep unwanted thoughts away. Try doin one thing u lyk daily. Buy yourself something.hav fun with friends but dont talk about what happened. Cook n eat something u lyk.watch ur fav programme. Small things to keep going. Thats how I get by .hope dis helps…

      1. Thanks everyone. Your replies help alot. Its been 6 days NC. It hasn’t been “hard” so to speak to not contact him, because he was so cold and heartless last time we spoke, but more sad. Realizations that the person I loved isn’t who I thought he was, and his love for me wasn’t real, and frankly I just don’t know what was real – all hard pills to swallow. He left a path of destruction and I am left to pick up the pieces. While I KNOW I am better off, I am still mourning the loss. I have also lost a very close friend because of him too, which is a double loss. Has anyone experienced that before? I have never lost a friend before nor would I ever walk away from a friend going through a hard time, but I think that says more about her character than me.

    3. Hi Rsav, i am glad you are still in NC & it does get easier but, you will have good strong days & then bad low days 😦 It’s all part of the whole ‘Soc effect’ I call it!
      Our emotions & their behavior are all contradictory so,it just leaves you re living, processing & over-thinking etc…it’s a battle of wills which is huge!
      Don’t judge your friend too harshly as I lost two good friends because of my Soc & both saw through him. He tried to hit on both of them so, it’s all out in the open now, no-one is safe.
      I have since contacted both friends to apologize but, we have all moved on but, there is definitely no ill-will 🙂
      Just keep working your way through this & do all the healings as it’s the only thing you can do.
      The confusion, hurt etc…goes on for awhile & I am 6 months down the track after 10 years of Soc Hell & it’s a daily struggle.
      Just keep thinking positive thoughts as eventually they get through the mind fog 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      P.S. I am a bit foggy myself today, not sure why? Just tired I think, it’s been very draining 😦

  24. Poenix thanks I like that dixie chicks song =D the other I fail to understand the lyrics with my ex liar .I feel no jealosuy nor that somebody took her.. I left that monster..and I am so glad if somebody did marry her or is with her..if only she would go the hell out of my life! or ..perhaps cos is rap and I cant stand pop and rap and rip pop .but you are kind and its what matters =D
    I do know that the loser decided to send me a mail ( gmail does not let you block 😦 just to filter but the filter did not work ..rats! I did not open but the title said ” I want to be a mother” wtf this ass** could not stand kids ..was worry about her figure if she were to have ..not even in dreams.. but heck ..with her I never wanted kids..so is not that i told her..one day I like to have and so now she wants to show me she will with this “husband” so I dont get it.. but ni wont react..I just feel sorry for the kid if she ever has one..a sociopath mother I dont wish on anyone! poor kiddos ! well she is a scum and I wish she focus on her marriage and forget that i exist! you guys are so good here ..this site save my mind..she took me in a bad drive and Im still dizzy.. what a nightmare!

    1. Hi Smart Me 🙂

      Sorry about the Cee Lo song, thought the “f@*K you lyric or forget you (the nice version) was more for you to remain focused on NC & no reading her crappy. baiting emails.
      I know you said you don’t want to close your email but, could you save what you want to a disc/usb stick & then close that account & re-open a brand new one 🙂
      I save my emails to a folder then onto usb sometimes maybe you can?
      I know it may sound like a lot of work if you have heaps but, I would do it.

      I think the impact of this type of person is hard to shake but, with work, healing & just keeping busy it all helps.

      You will be okay soon, just takes awhile to clean them out of your mind,body & soul.
      The Dixie Chicks are great & very strong women, obviously judging by their songs have their fair share of man trouble???

      Be Strong 🙂

      PR xoxo

      I know this may not be your taste but, the words are great 🙂

      1. Hi Pos 🙂

        I hope you are well 🙂

        To make you laugh I have come up with this for fun;

        Sociopath Traits:

        Ass-essing = I wanna have what your having. Your Soul!

        Seduction or sedation 🙂 = “I love me too, so do you”.

        Gaming = “Charades Anyone”.

        Ruining = “Liar, liar pants on Fire!”

        Discard = “Your use-by date is up!”

        Favorite Soc line = ‘It’s not me it’s me!”

        Fav Song = Every Breathe You Take, The Police
        Fav Colour = Black, it matches my eyes.
        Fav Food = Devilled Eggs
        Fav Animal = Crocodile

        Lol….PR xoxo

  25. Hi All

    Thank You all for sharing your stories. I am having a very difficult day today. I too was at the height of my life when I met the SP. We fell in love, I had just moved to a new state, he is from the UK….we wrote back and forth for months, he came here, then I went overseas, then he came for the summer to be with me. This summer has been a nightmare. The man I thought I knew does not exist. He was verbal, emotional and later physically abuse toward me. I am CRUSHED. Financially depleted too,

    I am living and working in a community off the grid which makes this even harder, for me, as I am alone a great amount of time, working a job that does not pay what I am accustomed and I just feel stuck. All the dreams ‘we’ created together were lies and now I am here trying to make sense of my life. I do not have family or close friends near and I do not have anyone to really talk to who understands what i am going through.

    I am not at Acceptance yet. I am working on gathering the pieces of my life, 37 years old and wondering what the heck am I doing, here now. I too have absolutely no desire to date, I just need to focus on me here and now.

    All the lies….I do not even know what was true with him. He knew all along he was hoodwinking me and well, I feel for it. Even when I began catching him in lies, even after the abuse had gotten soooo bad, I STILL worked on making things better, grabbing onto the hopes I had of the man I thought I met one year ago.

    He still sends me IM (I blocked his emails though he still manages to get on my IM) saying ‘i know it is nuts, though if I could be with anyone right now it would be you. “I was never with any other women” blah blah blah…..Just puts me back to square one.

    He was so horrible to me, never Gifted me with anything but Abuse. How could I have let someone treat me so horribly? How could I allow someone into my Heart who is so horrible?

    I never did see pictures of his family, never did hear of him talk about friends by name….I dont even know who he is;;;;though here I am, left with empty promises and shattered dreams. If I had family near, maybe this would be easier. I thank You all for being here….my last encounter with him was horrendous, and of course he blamed me. He insisted I meet with him (he is leaving the USA soon…THANK GODDESS!) and I did. even spent a few nights with him, spent money I really should not have spent….all along he was using me yet again. I tried to leave and he pulled the handles off my bag, grabbed my neck choking me and threw me down to the floor (I have a large cut on my elbow, others noticed and I said it was a fall as i did not want anyone to know I met up with him again)….he just stared at me as I screamed, never apologized once,….then accused me of hitting him!!!! The ars still tries to contact me.

    How could I have been so stupid!!! I am lucky he did not do more damage. The Abuse does get worse….I did not want to believe it but it is true. I do hope I have a little scar on my arm from this as a reminder to Never go back.

    Sorry for the rant, as with you all, there is sooooo much more to the story. Day by Day, Strength and Courage is what I long for now.

    blessings to you all

    1. @Luminite13

      You are NOT stupid! I know how you feel, it’s just that they are so manipulative and cunning, and if you’re a trusting person, then you get burned. It’s inevitable and has nothing to do with your intelligence. One of my best friends told me “You trust so easily because YOU are trustworthy” – it’s hard to see people for who they are if you tend to see the best in people, and ASSUME that they have as much integrity as you.

      And, I was on a “life high” when I met my ex, too. I had a great job, lots of friends, my life was Finally unfolding in a most positive way. As an acquaintance, he worked on my over time, and I was sucked right in (how would I know to look out for someone like that? I am not conniving or manipulative, and I am trustworthy, so I assumed the best out of him, even though there were signs all along – I chose not to see them.) He was an energy vampire, and he sucked all of the life and vitality out of me with his constant bullshit, drama and chaos.

      I am so effing glad he’s someone else’s problem right now. Thank GOD. And my eyes will be open a lot wider next time I meet someone who seems too good to be true.

      1. Several others have expressed they met their soc while during a vulnerable or distressing time in their life so, you all meeting yours during a high point shows it can hit anyone at anytime. I think it’s like you said, that you, being a trustworthy and non-manipulative person are just not on the watch for that level of deceit.

        I think too it has to run in families and may be as much an environmental influences problem as an internal mental disorder (or at least exacerbated by influence). The sister (by marriage) of my soc was a liar/deceiver like I never knew existed. When I texted her one night to see how she was doing, she told me “Not good”, that her nephew had been shot and killed. She didn’t have funds for the funeral and was looking for financial help. I told her I would stop by and see how she was doing. I had become recently unemployed at the time and was going through some pretty bad personal distress, but because of the nature of her situation, I gave her my last several dollars that was meant for gas. I sat with her and listened to her stories about her nephew all evening in show of friendship and support.

        When I prepared to leave, her and another guy friend who were there asked if they could come to my house, that they just wanted to “hang out”. Figuring she just didn’t want to be alone, I invited them. Keep in mind, although I was having trouble with him, I had been dating her brother regularly up to this point.

        On the way to my house, she disclosed she was “playing matchmaker” and trying to get me and this guy with her together. I was perplexed and said, “Whaaaaaat? You’re wasting your time, I’m seeing your brother.” She made her intentions clear to both of us as we sat at the counter in my house, having drinks. When she went outside to smoke, the guy took me aside, asked about my relationship to her brother, and then told me *his* intentions—“Nobody has to know…just between us…blah bliddy blah blah…” I was curious about what the h@ll was really going on and probed, “So, why would you be interested in me?” He said, “I’ve just seen you before over there, and I like what I see.” He gave me the most animalistic, lusting stare to where I was afraid to even be in the room alone with him (never seen anything like that before either).

        I didn’t know what these people were up to, but nothing felt right. My soc’s sister kept pushing us “getting together” and took my phone and added this guy’s number to it (mattered little to me as I was the one with the power to use or not). I looked at as something of a joke not to be taken seriously as we were drinking and she was “having fun”. As they were leaving, he sort of grabbed at me after she had stepped out the door. I just gave him one of those, “Who gave you permission to put hands on me?” looks while raising both my hands in a not-inviting-this type-$hit motion.

        After she got home, I called her cell reamed her, asking her what the h@ll she thought she was doing bringing all that into my house when I was trying to be a friend and support her in the death of her nephew! She gave some lame reasoning about me having problems with her brother… just wanted to help me find someone nice…blah, more blah and proclaimed she still thought it was a good idea and was going to give him my phone #. I told her not to do that and reiterated that I “seeing her brother”, and did he know what she was up to?

        When my soc returned from out of town, I told him of the saga so that, when it came up later, I didn’t get a why-the-h@ll-didn’t-you-tell-me problem with my soc. He stopped talking to his sister (at least this is the story i got) so then I started gettng nasty texts from her. She was telling my soc I had “sucked the guy” in my bathroom, that I was a “nasty ‘ho”, that I “never gave her any money” because I didn’t have any (half true—I didn’t, but I gave her my last!)

        Just unbelievable, disgusting accusations being spread by this woman. Anyone who has known me for five minutes knows such behavior isn’t even remotely possible so, they really need to know their targets better (she was using *her* terminology, as she had been arrested for prostitution!). But, I still am not sure what all was being attempted with that foolish move. It was alarming, confusing, disgusting. I would be inclined to think the nephew hadn’t even died if I didn’t know there actually had been a funeral. Just could never imagine people could behave like this if I hadn’t been through it.

      2. @Jusagurl – Oh, I guess I might have confused you somewhat.

        I met the ex-sp when I was on a life high, but actually got together with him quite a while later, after I had been seriously injured … I think the knew me well enough from when we were acquainted prior to the injury to know how to manipulate, and what to say (he groomed me for quite a while, knew what made me “tick”), and then moved in “for the kill” so to speak, when I was most vulnerable.

        He definitely presented himself as a hero, and I was in so much pain, on serious medication and all alone, without family in the same city … Well, dealing with a life threatening complication didn’t exactly give me the wherewithal to decipher his motivations or lies, even though the alarm bells were going off a lot. It just added another element of stress to my life, then when I would bring that up, he would always turn it around and tell me that I was (basically) being self-centered. WTF??? I can’t believe I even put up with that, but once again, I wasn’t really in a position to defend myself.

        I think that maybe they’re attracted to you when they see you at your best, and know they get “in” when you’re vulnerable. Who knows? I can’t understand the motivation, it’s so beyond me …

    2. Hi Luminite13 🙂

      You are not alone, which you would have well & truly gathered by now! (LOL 🙂
      I cannot believe the momentum this site has gained & no-wonder poor Positiva is having a system overload 😦

      We are all here to love & support you on this journey & you must keep reading, sharing & venting, reclaiming your self back 🙂

      I am so sorry he hurt you :(, they really are like cold, callous reptiles 😦
      I’d take my chances with a warm blooded wild animal anytime before a cold old Sociopath.

      Stay strong, you are amongst friends here 🙂
      The odd Soc is here also & we will try & warn you if they show up & try to play with us.

      Love & Light 🙂

      PR xoxo

  26. Dear Rsav – so glad that you found this site. It has been a lifesaver for me! The best advice that I can give you is to establish and maintain no contact. It will be really hard, but it will help you to begin the process of healing and moving on to a sociopath free life.

    Spend lots of time reading everything that you possibly can here on dating a sociopath. I learned so much and the knowledge that I gained helped me to deal with the pain, depression and devastation from loving a man that really didn’t exist. The myriad of emotions you are feeling is normal. You have been through the mill and it will take time to work through it all. Give yourself time to feel and heal. You will be stronger in the end – that I promise you. What doesn’t kill us and I can truly testify from experience does make us stronger.

    Remember – no matter how hard it is ~ NC. Peace & Love Be With You through your journey to a happier and Spath free life :)!

  27. @ everyone who is struggling with NC 🙂

    A quote from the inspirational song “Don’t give up” Just insert NC instead of “fight” 🙂

    “So stick to the fight
    when you’re hardest hit
    It’s when things seem worst
    that you must not quit ! “

  28. I read so many sad and awful stories on this board regarding the spaths that I want to share something I feel is positive…

    Yesterday would have been our three year anniversary and I wanted to be alone to go through whatever emotions i thought i would have. We have been apart for almost two months and I am in a healthy happy place where I am focusing on me but I just wanted to be alone to celebrate or to cry without any interuptions.

    In the middle of relaxing, I commented on a friend’s facebook status and noticed one of the women of his commented too. So I decided to look at her page. This particular woman is starting her own business and my spath always wanted me to use her for company functions. I didn’t like her baked goods but I smiled and pretended I would one day. Well, it appears that over the weekend there was a huge function in my city and they were there handing out her baked goods. She sang his praise and how he was so helpful and supportive and got her baked goods out to people. I laughed. I knew she was a potential victim but boy is she deep in.

    The thing is, a few weeks ago, I would have wanted to reach out to her and tell her to run screaming. But, I am so over his melodrama and I don’t want to deal with her not believing and telling him what I said. I just laughed. Drank. Danced to my music. And celebrated that I am no longer a part of that world of crazy.

    It is my sincerest hope that all of you get to the point where this is just a joke you tell your friends. I want nothing but happy and healthy love in your life.

    May your God bless you and heal your heart… xoxo

    1. Thank you 4cgyrl 🙂

      Your an inspiration & I am at the he’s a joke stage now also but, still in therapy.
      I was with him whoever he was? (or wasn’t as the case maybe) for 10 years 😦

      Still I am glad I found all the amazing support & help, advice ,healing etc…here with you & the others 🙂
      So I am dancing with you & this song is for you 🙂

      Love & light 🙂

      PR xoxo

  29. Hi Pos, somehow I lost the latest e mail of you apologizing for not being able to read all the posts can u please send it to me again. I commented on it as well!!! Thanks Peace an live 🙂

  30. pheonix thanks so much for your amazing support and all of you here we help each other..this losers will try it all! I now got a mail from another mail the title is the link of a youtube video about fighting against suicide ..what the hell ..I spam it and did not open..if a just married gal that a day ago send me a note I want to be a mom..now talk of suicide.. that goes to show you how far they go to get your attention to get you to get out of the non contact and to react!!! They wnt you to react..NEVER REACT>>NEVER CONTACT>>NEVER RESPOND>> NEVER EVER BREAK THE NON CONTACT… they one day will go…
    I wont sacrafice my videos I cant save my youtube videos..I video tape wild life..and they are my passion.. ..she can stalk all she wants.. ..leech..blood sucker.. they are liars.. they are cruel and evil.. never break contact.. we will win and not even look back at this losers leeches we had the misfortune to meet..and we will all be stronger from it… thanks for positive gal for this site and all who write here =D We will heal!!!!!!!!!!=)

    1. Smart Me 😉 Just stick with your passion as it sounds fantastic, you must let us know a link to view some of the stuff you film, only if you can? If anonymity is not compromised I am sure we would love to see your wild life videos 🙂
      NO CONTACT is the only way to go so, just focus on yourself & find your passion within, your passion for YOU :)……it will all work out I am sure of it….ROAR like a lion, I love animals especially lions & tigers, bears, elephants, orang-utans…save them all 🙂

      PR xoxo

  31. I thought I would share my experience with a female sociopath I fell in love with as most here seem to be women who have fallen for male sp’s. I was contacted by email out of the blue by a female I had known and liked abit from twenty years ago. hse was living in florida and in a very rough spot…pretty much homeless, moving from house to house…she had always been a trust fund girl (and used to have a bad heroin problem)…coming from one of the more wealthy families in america…we started talking and of course began talking more and more…she had run out of money, finally, and been screwed over by so many people…she was charming, very intelligent, funny and we clicked I thought…I felt so much that I wanted to be the one to help her…so I rented a car for her in my name to drive herself and her dog to my house in new england. I paid for that and for the hotels…the idea was to put a roof over her head, we would see how it went with us and either way get her back on her feet. So she came and lived with me for two months…I got her a job at a local store a friend of mine owns in the small village I live in. After the first few weeks (which were actually wonderful) as she was working at the store…she began ignoring me, retreating to her room for days really…coming out some nights and being alright, sometimes very nice…but it began to get miserable…she began making tons of new friends who constantly she would text with…I wanted her of course to make friends…but she was pushing me out. We had decided while she was living here we wouldnt sleep together as it would be too weird but would start dating when she got her own place…I agreed to this as I wanted her to feel comfortable…but she knew I was in love with her and also desired her badly…she would joke about how worked up I got around her…the treatment by her grew worse and worse as she knew she had me, that I loved her and would deal with anything…and at that point she began buying heroin again…pretty much tossing it in my face…as in what are YOU gonna do…you love me…I just couldnt believe her callousness and she seemed to enjoy watching me burn…this made me feel weaker…

    then one day she left for work…on her bed, with the door open…she left a journal she had just started open…looking at it I saw her writing this: if you are reading this I have been telling you I want to wait to sleep with you until I have my own place and that I have feelings for you that are deep…in fact, the only deep feelings I have for you are disgust…I hate you…I cant stand you and have no attraction to you…in fact, I think you are a repressed fag…I cant wait to get my next check and move away from you forever as I hate every single thing about you…you are a pathetic loser…everyone in your small town will know this…and does know it…”

    At this point I couldnt bear anymore…I called her at work and told her she needs to leave…she laughed and saif dine…as if she were waiting for the call…she showed up with an 18 year old boy in tow…moved out and into his place…before she left she told me “you had better watch your ass in this town…I will call the police and lie to them and tell them you beat me…and have you thrown in jail…so look out”…this was the person I tired to help? my god…the very next day she was driving the boy’s car around (she has no car)…and telling everyone in my small local community lies about me while working at the store…of course all the local guys are interested in her…they eat it up…saying I am a drunk, a this a that…I am not at all…these were lies…some of these folks told my boss these stories and he is giving me alot of crap, believing them…

    I stuck to my resolves and was hurting but did not contact her…I was starting to understand that she was a sociopath…and of course a heroin addict…both actually…then a week after she left she sent me a text saying “you are probably wondering if I am enjoying that teenage guy’s body…you bet I am…”…I couldnt believe the cruelty…now she has left him and has moved in with another guy…this is all within the last three weeks…it is all happening everyday in front of my eyes as this town is so tiny and everyone knows one another…it has been a nightmare…now she is in my village working the men as marks for cars and places to stay, spreading lies about me…it is like I imported a virus from florida to my small town and it is spreading…and these fellows have no idea what they are in for…I know what it leads to: pain and suffering, self doubt and even some self hatred…all of this for trying to help a person in need…very scary stuff indeed I think.

    1. Hi Cash 🙂

      Wow we get Lucifer & you got Medusa the seducer 😦
      So sorry for all your pain & humiliation, we are not all like her so, don’t give up on finding someone who will truly value you.
      Keep positive & do all the healing & stay strong 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂

      PR xoxo

  32. Yesterday was a horrible day, I found myself right bacck to the early stages of recovery, I guess this is going to be a juggleing act of ups and downs, I cried all day was very depressed and isolated and my daughter told me daddys all LA TI DA, I hate him. Today Im fine you would never thinkk I had such a tough day.Peace an love 🙂

    1. NC is the only solution. I believe it is the small steps that you take (even if is just one everyday) that help to reclaim the person that you truly are and always have been. For myself taking back my maiden name (legally) has made me feel liberated. Closing the email address we shared. Selling the things we had purchased together. Everything I am doing now is to purge myself from the past, so please stay strong and focus on the future as we can do absolutely nothing to change the past!
      Love & Light to all

      1. Also do something for Yourself everyday that you enjoy. Whether it be a long aromatic bath, or a walk in nature, a luncheon with friends….something for you!

    2. Hi B 🙂

      The up & downs of this experience are all part of the process unfortunately but, in order for you to heal properly you have to go through this process & it hurts 😦 ALOT!
      Still, it’s a great place to learn, share ,get answers & support & thank-god we have it 🙂
      You are normal & your thinking & feeling is normal but, it will pass eventually 🙂
      Remember NC or you will go backwards in your recovery & that’s no place to go 😦

      Love & Light 🙂
      Stay Strong 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Hi B 🙂

        I am well & doing a lot to heal which is a great stage to be at 🙂
        I hope you are well also & taking good care of yourself 🙂

        Love & Light
        PR xoxox

  33. I am really struggling today. I have written on here intermittently and thought that i was really getting better. My ex S is a Charismatic one. To the point that i was completely blindsided – 3 months ago. There was no degradation leading up to the break up. Well none to my face. There was no physical abuse like some of you have dealt with, this break up there was very little emotional abuse either (last time i had started to loose who i was through his put downs but this time i refused to take his comments on). So i struggle. Maybe he is not an S. Maybe he is not completely one? I will never know as He has also made no contact pretty much since we broke up. The last email was 1 month ago and that was regarding the embryos that we got from the IVF we were on when he broke it off. I responded saying that legally they were mine. I have heard nothing since. (although he did go on my linkedin Profile once) and before that i only had 2 emails since the second week after the break up. both very short, uninterested. He will not contact me ever again. of this i am pretty sure.

    In someways i know that this is good because i will heal so much quicker as the wound is not being kept open. but on the other hand the complete abandonment and lack of understanding of what happened because it was so quick with no explanation and then so final leaves so many unanswered questions. But it also leaves my memories mainly seeing how good we were and how much fun we had and how much love we appeared to have. as there is only a small amount of bad and most of that was in the first break up and the lead up to the first break up. DOn’t get me wrong, there were red flags everywhere, but not many of them were ever proved. There were also some pretty atrocious behaviors as well, such as dumping the day i had a miscarriage.

    I think i have been crying for the last 2 days because I have to make the decision to go ahead with the frozen embryo’s today. I am almost 42 and can not put this on hold any longer. It hurts so much though to think that i am going to have a child on my own. the struggle that i will have and how little i will be able to bring my child as i will have to work full time in a very demanding job. and i will be all by myself in a rented one bedroom flat. With him, I had the dream of a beautiful family, our beautiful massive house, him as an amazing dad, me as a mum. His two girls as half sisters. IT was going to be beautiful. This was the dream he offered me to hook me completely. In the 2nd month of us being together he offered this to me. he painted it to me so perfectly. here i am almost 2 years later, doing it on my own with no money and no support. And he doesn’t care at all. Not one little bit. ITs so hard to understand how he loved me so much one day and then the next there is nothing. NOTHING. obviously it means that he didn’t feel the same as me. Obviously his understanding of love is not right. But i loved him and now i am so alone. Logically i know that i dodged a bullet. He probably would have left me when i was pregnant if i had got there. if not worse. At least i won’t have a sociopath in my childs life and my life for ever. but this is not how i imagined it. on my own. no money no house no partner no support. With my heart still broken.

    I am still tottering between stages 5 and 6.

    1. OMG It is done 😦
      I am so saddened by your story & even though it was briefer than a lot, the impact is none-the-less 😦
      Gee you are really trying to make some momentous decisions etc…whilst healing from the trauma that is Soc hell 😦
      I guess all I can say is pull out all the stops support wise, healing wise & take stock of where you want your life to go from here.
      This is your life & you mustn’t let him spoil your chances if you wish to go ahead with your IVF. Just do it with your eyes & heart wide open.
      I had a friend (recently deceased 😦 ) but, she got pregnant accidently & the father disowned her & she decided to keep her baby. That was nearly 21 years ago & the joy that her daughter gave her was endless 🙂
      Whilst she has passed over, her life was enriched by having had her baby 🙂
      She struggled & it was a hard battle but, one she triumphed over & her last days & her legacy lives on 🙂
      Something good comes out of all of our experiences with the Soc, you must decide what yours will be 🙂
      Love & Light 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. Thanks Phoenix. I made the decision to do a frozen transfer as I will not let him destroy my chances of being a mother. Ur right, maybe if a child comes of this then it will all have been worth it.
        It is a lot to deal with and my support is almost non existent. But making the descision has at least stopped the tears so I know it’s the right one. Accepting the dream is gone and now I have a massive lonely battle ahead is scary. But never having the chance of having a child is a million times more awful. At least I’m giving myself the chance. X

      2. Hi It is done 🙂

        I am so pleased for you & I wish you all the very best for a successful transfer 🙂
        Where about in the world are you?
        I live in Melbourne Australia so G’day 🙂

        It is scary doing anything on your own but, if it works out you will not be alone for long 🙂
        Out of all my troubles in life my biggest reward is my children 🙂

        If you don’t have a go & take this chance you will regret it down the track anyway so, go for it & I will keep everything crossed for you 🙂

        Love PR xoxo

      3. Hi It is done 🙂
        Yes I know how hard it is to sleep but, you need to rest & prepare now for your IVF treatment 🙂
        So, start focusing on bringing some positive feelings into your body, deep breathing etc…do you mediate or anything that will help you relax, yoga???
        Sydney wow finally someone a little closer to home 🙂
        You need to get off the computer as it’s stimulates the brain etc….this is time for you now & we have plenty of time to talk etc…so, stay tuned 🙂
        You will be okay & I know how hard this is 😦
        My story is under that section in older comments on June 14th so have a read if you want to, it’s a bit epic like most.
        Talk soon, stay focused as we are hopefully having a baby soon 🙂
        Good Night….zzzzzzzzz

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

    2. I wanted to post here to keep my two comments together, but i will re post this at the end of this blog as well.

      It is 2 months since i wrote the above post and i am now definitely in stage 7. I have no doubt whatsoever that he is a sociopath. All the bad/wrong/redflags memories that were in the relationship now far surpass the memories of the good. It’s amazing how much i suppressed during the first 4 months after break up. How even then I was fighting to believe his lies and that the dream he painted was really real. But now i know that my gut was real and that his lies were lies. They were obviously lies but i just didn’t want to believe it. Most of the lies i will never be able to prove but i know inside of me what the truth is. He is not right in the head. He is without a doubt in my mind a sociopath. a very charismatic one but it is all his agenda, his plan and there was never any thought for me whatsoever. Never any real feelings, it was all about him and what i could do for him and when he was done there was no remorse or care for me at all. He was done. I accept that now…As this blog says, it is liberating to be in this stage of healing. It is empowering to have this understanding.

      In 2 days it is 5 months since we broke up and ironically it would have been our 2 year anniversary. It is also exactly 1 year since our first break up (6 weeks separated). 3 months since any contact at all (a legal email) but really 4 months since any real contact. But i knew the day i left the house that i would never contact him again. And i only responded to him where i absolutely had too. He has not contacted me in that 3 months and for a long time this really hurt. Now i am grateful as it gave me the head space and distance to fully understand the reality and to let my emotions catch up to my rational brain. Do i think that he will contact me again? I don’t’ know. Maybe when he gets bored with his latest conquest. I don’t think i care anymore. One way or the other. I don’t’ need anymore proof of what he is. And there is nothing i can say that will achieve anything. so what ever.

      It is great to be in this stage of healing. at first I was so devastated. I had no understanding of how i got here. my dreams were crushed… a dream i didn’t even know i wanted before i met him. Dreams that he painted so masterfully and that got me in hook line and sinker. But i kept reading this site, relating so much to what Pos wrote and as understanding/reality sunk in i started relating more and more. Reading back over older posts I relate to them even more now than i did at the start. Also, reading everyone’s stories and that there are so many that are similar to mine and there are so many that are so much worse than mine and I find myself thanking the lucky stars that I got off so lightly.

      I guess what i want to say to everyone that is new to the site, that are feeling such incredible pain and loss and confusion, that you will get better and it will get easier and out of it you will actually get a stronger sense of self and a stronger love of life. I know this as i am now there. Dont be hard on yourself. Grieve. Learn as much as you can. and slowly you will get through this.

      I am now focusing on me. Building a plan for the future. restarting a new life. A better life than i had before i met him and definitely better than anything he was actually capable of sharing with me. I am focusing on getting healthy physically and mentally to give myself the best opportunity possible to have a baby. On my own. But better on my own than with a sociopath.

      I wish you all the best and all strength and peace and love. Remember to love yourself. We are all really good people that have had some bad luck but we will all get through this.

      xxxxxx

      1. Aww It Is Done 🙂

        So proud of you 🙂 you have come a long long way & I have watched you & cheered you on from the beginning 🙂
        Isn’t this site amazing 😉 so, powerful to find a safe,supportive space after such a bizarre encounter with the Soc world.
        Still we are all more knowledgeable & wiser (I hope 😉
        I have made a donation $ to Pos as she funds this site out of her own pocket so, I think it would be great if everyone on here could make a donation 🙂
        It doesn’t have to be huge, even $1.00 goes a long way if we all do it 🙂
        Just think what she has saved us in therapy!

        Anyway, continued peace & good luck to you It Is Done, & who knows maybe you’ll meet a great guy & have that baby, just keep believing in yourself 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. Thanks PR.
        I just got back from a holiday in USA and feel like a new person and new beginnings. There is still a little bit there but wow, do i feel like ive come a long way. Thanks for being there. My heart now really goes out to those that are where i was not so long ago. I wish i could do more than just give encouraging words but as i know from experience, time to heal is what they need. Some of the stories are so heartbreaking, yet really i know that mine was too. Although i was a lot luckier than many here. I think i will post my full story one day soon.

        I saw that you had donated and was wondering where you had done that?

        I also saw that you are goign away soon too? It was seriously so good to get away from it all and come back feeling a newer stronger person.

        This site is such a help. I never thought i would find such support on a blog but really it is just the right outlet for us that have had to deal with the horrors of the sociopath. Only we fully understand what it is we are/have gone through.

        xx

      3. Hiya 🙂

        So pleased to hear you had a great holiday (yay you 😉
        I cannot wait so, here’s cheers to us & others here 🙂
        I cannot find the link but, if you email Pos as datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk she will tell you how, it was on the site but, cannot for the life of me find it & as I’d done it before, just went via my paypal account.

        If your reading this Pos, where is the linky thingy??? LOL 😉

        Just keep up the good work It is done, & write your story down if you want to as it does help & gives you closure to see it etc…I am going to write a book but, I will take my time as I don’t want to backslide but, am sure I won’t.
        It’s been a big journey for me s, I have learnt a lot, not just about the Soc but, my whole life so, the lessons have been mind blowing!

        You are going to have a great life, your free & clear so, onwards & upwards for you 🙂

        Love & Light always 🙂
        PR xoxo

        Bali here I come, cha cha cha 🙂

      4. Hi Pos,
        I think she means there was a link that enabled us to make donations but now it seems to have disappeared…
        Thats Aussie talk
        🙂

      5. It’s at the header at the bottom of the page. It used to be at the side. I put it at the bottom. Donations help me a lot. It helps me to keep going to help other people. 🙂

  34. Ok, for all of my talk about living life “balls out” and moving on, I’m having a really pissy day today. A mutual FB “friend” of my ex has posted pics of a holiday weekend with my ex-sp and his new wife. He wouldn’t own his vacation property if it wasn’t for him sponging off of me last year, and to think that he lied to my face and betrayed me, and now another woman is living well because of me really makes me angry.

    I realize that in all likelihood he’ll eventually f@ck her over as well, but at the moment it’s too far in the future (LOL). Plus he’s also refused to finish paying me off the $300.00 he still owes me. ARRRRRGh.

    I know there’s a saying “Being angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”, but that’s where I’m at today. Just sayin’.

    Thanks for listening …

    1. Yep, time to get your Alanis out 😦

      Then move onto 🙂

      Free

      Stay strong & remember you are not alone & you are free of him but, the ‘Soc Effect’ lingers on for a long long time unfortunately ;(

      Keep working on yourself & stay away from Face Book ;(

      Your life is ahead not behind so, keep believing in yourself, you have given us all a lot of strength so, it’s time you gave it back to yourself 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. I also wanted to say that I emailed my spiritual advisor about my anger, and here’s what she had to say:

        ***
        The anger is coming from you still putting his ‘rejection’ in a place where you feel ‘under his feet’ ~ THAT is your work. So … He is the stimulus. What you do with that is your work.

        Embracing the Divine Feminine and Loving yourself IS the Key and you are doing it ~

        You are really mad at yourself for not giving yourself the BEST. Our mistake is that we PROJECT that they are “all that” then that ‘they’ are not giving it to YOU when they truly cannot even give it to themselves and he is now feasting on his prey until the life is sucked out of her too ~
        ****

        Based on his history and pattern – I’m pretty sure that it’s only a matter of time before his new life (and new wife) fall apart. He can only take so much pressure for so long, then his true colours come out …

      2. “The anger is coming from you still putting his ‘rejection’ in a place where you feel ‘under his feet’ ~ THAT is your work. So … He is the stimulus. What you do with that is your work.

        Our mistake is that we PROJECT that they are “all that” then that ‘they’ are not giving it to YOU when they truly cannot even give it to themselves…”
        ——————-

        It’s a good point about putting too much weight into what someone in this type a state thinks about us. It does feel pretty bad to be rejected by a reject but, when you consider the source, who cares what someone like that thinks. When she says “you’re really mad at yourself”, I think that’s a deep theory as well. I mean, I wonder that we don’t work soooo hard to understand, repair, deflect, explain, and then console ourselves because it’s really our own judgement we ultimately question after something like this… which would obviously be tied to our sense of self-worth. Very cyclical concept.

      3. Hi Darling 🙂

        Your spiritual adviser is very good & wise 🙂
        Yes the rejection does hurt deeply as does the knowledge we were duped 😦
        I look at the rejection now as my ‘use by date’ had expired although, I wasn’t officially rejected. The OW exposed his game to me & I removed myself from the game 🙂
        I did go ballistic however & I am not ashamed for standing up for myself 🙂
        I did however cause myself more harm because, I became obsessed with ‘paying him back’.
        He won’t forget what I did & it impacted on him so, he was very uncomfortable that I called him for what he is 😦
        He had his Policeman best friend call me to say he wasn’t a ‘Sp’ but, by the end of our conversation I think his friend was surprised to say the least. The fact that he had this man call me to defend him says enough about his power of persuasion.

        Turning the focus back onto ourselves is the ‘key’ as we lose sight of our truth with a SP & the truth lies within us all. Self-love, self-worth,self-compassion etc…is where our focus must be 🙂

        I am reading a book ‘In An Unspoken Voice’ it’s about how the body releases trauma & restores goodness. by Peter A. Levine PhD…

        I believe the Soc’s are disembodied people or souless etc…

        an exert on pg 285 about ‘disembodying methods’ reads ;

        ‘There are plentiful other disembodying methods, other compulsions.
        These include the addictions to overwork, sex,drugs,drinking or compulsive eating.
        All are ways to suppress, numb or control the body-or are, ironically, misdirected attempts to feel it.
        However, without embracing bodily experience, we are left with an empty shell, a narcissistic
        image of who we think we are. We are unable to really feel the fullness of ourselves, a fullness formed from a continuous flux of experience.
        Pornography & eating disorders are two sides of the same coin-disembodiment & objectification.
        The less the body is experienced as a living entity, the more it becomes an object.
        The less it is owned, the further it is divorced from anything having to do with one’s core sense of self.’

        So, I think the Sp personality fits this description of disembodiment perfectly.
        I myself have been dissociated from my body after years of abuse so, put these two together & voila ‘the perfect storm’.

        Love & Light & finding our inner voice 🙂

        PR xoxo

      4. @PR – that is great perspective, thanks for sharing. I am very lucky to have 2 great spiritual advisors, and I have grown so much as a person because of their guidance. (including but not limited to the ex-sp). I am also fortunate that I didn’t alienate my friends and family because of him, and now are bonds are stronger – united, if you will – against his deceitfulness.

        I think the big thing for me is to learn to forgive myself, and keep my head on straight the next time I run into “mr. charming and thoughtful life-of-the-party”

        Interesting what you said about disembodiment – I really think there is truth to that. Funny that you mentioned the porn thing – the objectification with which he viewed others was disturbing to me, though he didn’t think there was anything wrong with the porn that he had. Weird. Stuff.

        Anyhow, I am so much more calm and stable after my advisor wrote to me – he’s not my problem any more, THANK GOD.

      5. Hi Darling,

        You are right he is not your problem & thank goodness for that!
        I cannot imagine living with someone like these spath’s forever as some do 😦

        Still not our problem & I have been listening to Thomas Sheridan & it’s amazing stuff re the Psychopaths etc…& healing as well 🙂

        We are standing strong against the evil & our friends & supporters are a great shield 🙂
        Like you I have found myself buoyed by overwhelming love from my family & supportive friends/groups 🙂

        Wow, we have been to hell & back & the best part is, we have discovered the good in ourselves & others 🙂

        Greater self awareness is our reward for the journey 🙂
        Love & light always 🙂

        PR xoxo

      6. P.S. & yes eventually his true colours’ will show but, it can take years & therefore by the grace of the devil goes another sacrificial lamb to the slaughter 😦

        Darling, we are free & that’s the best part & the rest of the best is ahead, not behind 🙂

  35. Reading on here today it appears many of us who have been so strong including myself are having a bit of a hard time within ourselves again. I know this will pass us and we will get ourselves back on track. It just sucks when speaking for myself anyway that I was doing so well. Deep breath. Sigh. I’ve got to pull myself together. I hate feeling like this.

    Big hugs to you all. Today is just a blip but I’m brushing myself down. I refuse to allow these feelings and thoughts to beat me down. I’m better than that. We all are. Xx

    1. Hi Caerra,

      That was amazing & so true, Ribeiroia & the Sociopath both creepy & they use us like hosts 😦
      The Soul Debt is to do with repeating patterns that may be yours or belong from another past soul or ancestor? Like re-incarnation, some believe you keep coming back until you get it right or clear the debt (very brief description) but, I hope that makes sense?
      I believe we keep having encounters good & bad to hopefully teach us & raise us to a higher level of consciousness or spirituality.
      I think everything happens for a reason & I personally believe my Soc experience has happened to raise my own awareness of myself & my life choices, patterns etc…it has placed me on a path where I either grow from this experience like you, or wallow in it which is of no benefit to my life.
      It has made me look deep within instead of out so, this is my soul lesson 🙂

      My mum is an Aries & we are best friends, she is stubborn but incredibly wise like you 🙂
      I am not a lazy lion but, a lioness who fiercely protects her cubs & I do that here also, because you have all become my on-line family (pride) & I am proud of you all. I just wish I could have protected you all from the Soc/Narc’s that have hurt us all 😦

      Hakuna Matata translation ‘No Worries’

      Love PR xoxo

    2. I hear you All…today is a bit ‘foggy’….as my sp convinced me a few weeks ago to see him again….which I did….I found out yesterday he had hooked up with another woman a few weeks prior….crushed am I….that was one thing I did NOT think he was doing…cheating….I am such a fool, he lied about his parents having cancer and everything else…why the heck would I have believed he would be honest about hooking up with other women…at a Zen Retreat Center of all places! I suppose those are convenient places for SP…lots of Trusting Women around. He Hounded me….I wonder, can not fathom…what I ever did to deserve being treated so horribly. Just trying to process that EVERTHING he told me was a LIE. I finally have his lies in print, as he had sent me a few emails saying he was not with anyone, then saying he was…flip flop….maybe that explains the Abuse? Guilt? I dunno. This is horrendous….37 years old and dooped by a Sociopath.

      1. Awwwww Luminite13 😦

        I was 40 when I met my Sp & that was 10 years ago! I got discarded unceremoniously just before I turned 50! Yay Happy Birthday…actually re-birth day 🙂
        Don’t feel bad as you are among friends & we have all been betrayed on many levels 😦
        You owe it to yourself to now live the most amazing life you can in spite of this horror.
        Focus on you & your healing & don’t get bogged down by trying to understand what’s happened to you. You will never truly ‘get it’ because, you are an empath & unless your emotionless without a conscience, you won’t understand how easy it is for these disembodied people.
        You deserve better & he is a Sp & he doesn’t care, it’s all about him & him only 😦
        They are hollow people & for a time your love filled him & gave him strength but, you must turn that love inwards to yourself,you deserve your own self love 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      2. Thank You Pheonix RISING! Your words and Inspiration are appreciated and Welcomed. It floors me how fast these SP’s move on to new people…it will be moooons before I am able to date…i suppose this is easy for them, being hollow…..AKA: Skanky. OOf. Hard pill to swallow…..been writing a great deal and I will have my draft done by December…

        Thanks for all your kind words….

      3. Hi Luminite13,

        It’s great you are writing, is it a book or article?
        My Soc had my replacement in place for 3 1/2 years & had lived with her for 12 mths & just got engaged before the OW contacted me via email 😦
        I did not live with him & I thought he was living at his recently deceased mothers home!
        I also thought he was travelling on a business trip but, he was holidaying with the OW when she intercepted his email to me!
        Aarg they are very manipulative etc…but, I am glad the OW contacted me otherwise, I would probably still be part of his game.
        As I obviously had been for years (sigh).
        My Soc is high functioning, it’s really quite amazing really, I don’t know where he gets the energy from….oh sorry, that’s right he sucks it out of his victims!!
        My Soc is the ultimate Charismatic delusional one with a high ranking position where he gets to sit with power & control, what a guy!
        I should write a book (lol).

        I am on my healing path so, make sure you stay on yours 🙂

        Stay strong & brave 🙂

        Love & Light,

        PR xoxo

      4. OMG!!!! How did he have the energy!!!???? Did you live in different states, countries? Yes, you should write a book!!!

        I started writing a love story in ‘real’ time a few weeks after I met him….been writing all along…initially, i intended to write an Inspiring Love Story, as I felt we were going to live forever after, our love would be an Amazing love story…well, an amazing story indeed….OOOF! I am in process now of gathering the pieces into a collection of ‘memoirs’…deadline is December , as always intended. It is healing to write, though going back over letters/journals from last year is difficult, as I know who he really is….I was soooo DOOOPED! I am so sorry you had to go through all of that…and another woman to boot! You are very Strong and Wise ….thank you for being here and Thank You for sharing your story!

        We WILL PREVAIL!

        Love & Light

      5. Absolutely we will prevail & I can’t wait to get a copy of your story, all good love stories have tragic endings…Gone With The Wind, Wuthering Heights etc…so, you will make a fortune, become famous & more fabulous than ever 🙂

        Soc’s are loser palosers so, it’s just a chapter in your life but, the rest of the book/life will be even better 🙂

        Let me know when it’s out as I expect a personally autographed copy 🙂

        To all the fabulicious Soc survivors, well shall succeed!

        PR xoxo

      6. Awe thank you PR! It is healing to go through the communications, as I started writing one year ago…how different he was….a completely different person….i thought he was so wholesome…then there is this other side, the horrifying side that began to show face a few months in, when I saw him again….I remember the first time I saw it…so hollow, as though he did not even have a beating heart…I was in Shock….I figure that is why I stayed. I could not believe this was happening….and his stare…have you experienced the stare? He would look at me so intently, then when I would catch him in a lie and start asking about it, he would stare off in the distance…as though he was performing on stage…I would ask him ‘can you look at me?’….and he would briefly then off to la la land….RED FLAG hitting me in the head…yet I longed for the man I fell in love with, so I held on tight. He never gave me a gift, never said thank you or I am sorry, nada….I am convinced he is very sick, lacking frontal lobe activity….He would look in the mirror and always say bad things “I am so fat, I look horrible”…he could not look in the mirror and feel good….I suppose if I did not have a functioning heart, I would not like what I see either….mirrors reflect our Soul…and Heart…
        His abuse came in stages too….starting with tearing pages out of my sacred books, throwing objects, name calling, accusations, slapping my across the face in a restaurant, leaving me in a restaurant, walking 5ft ahead of me, punching me, choking me. He would get in my face when he was angry, this is abuse too…at the time I did not think of it as abuse…control…space control….he is the only person I have ever known who wanted me to be miserable….he hated it when I was happy, laughing, when people would complement me, or tell him how wonderful I am (I never met anyone who KNEW him….another red flag)….what a long strange trip this has been…..I will most certainly let you know when I have the final draft…looking at December….a lot of things in my past, upbringing…have been coming up as I process this, as I am sure you all here can relate.

        DR. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde SCARY stuff indeed…..When I ran into him a few weeks ago, I saw him before he saw me…how different he looked, as he was frolicking around, like he is some enlightened being….so fake…I could SEE right through him and it was scary. We are all so lucky we are not longer with these nut jobs. Thank you All for being here….feels good to rant !!!

        Light & Love

  36. Can I just ask a question. Is it normal for a soc to not actually raise their voice but speak using many voices, pitches and tones. Im asking because when my ex would be deliberately winding me up or we were having an argument or he was was been very cruel with his words he never really raised his voice but some of what he would say or call me was like him stabbing me straight through the heart. Im sure that would have actually hurt a lot less. It was me who would raise my voice through sheer frustration, disbeleif or defending myself.

    Just wondering if this is another of their traits that make you act like your the mad one. I certainly felt mad and crazy and he always told me I was despite deep down I knew I wasnt.

    Any comments on this would be highly appreciated.

    Big hugs. X

    1. Hi SD, yes this this normal. Even more bizarrely sometimes they can have different accents too – it depends what mask they are going into – and what illusion that they want to present.

      Remember that they create a mask of illusion. Everything is an act and a pre-meditated manoever to manipulate and control you.

      The only way out of this is to remove yourself from the game. To stop playing the game. To establish no contact and try to move forward. I do also appreciate that it can take a while to get there.

      Making you feel this way he has total control over you. As it makes you feel small and worthless. You therefore feel more dependent on him. So that he can abuse you somemore. You then find it more difficult to leave.

      Write things down (if you can find a safe place to hide what you are writing) it will help you get real perspective of what is going on. Sociopaths are masters at confusing you and making you feel that you are the one to blame. They also make false accusations towards you – so that you are are the one who feels that you are then defending yourself. This is part of the sociopaths game of life. Their predatory behaviour – how they control their victim.

      They DO make you feel crazy – this is part of what they do.

      1. Yes, they love to confuse you! Financial Abuse…we would go to dinner, he would order the most expensive thing on the menu, order a bottle of wine (never offer to have my input) , I would order a chowder and wha la…i am paying the entire bill….’you got this’ he would say….over and over and over…once in while he would pay, though I heard about it…”I spent x amount on dinner, you dont buy anything” !!!???? I would order a chowder even when he was paying….I began to believe him so I continued to pay…and pay….then when I would add it up and who him he would look away in disbelief. Take Take Take….never said Thank You….one time after I bought us breakfast I said “Thank You” he said “I am not going to thank you, I did not like my breakfast”….Cruel….he does not earn his own money, 36yrs old and his parents support him, I work hard for what I have. Angry, I am so ANGRY i allowed someone to treat me so horribly! ABUSERS & USERS! And, the saddest thing of all, is that they DON’T CARE. Oof. Hard pill to swallow.

      2. Oh yes luminite I can totally relate to the paying for everything. My ex soc lived of me like a parasite. Even when he was working. My money was our money and his was his own. His attitude was I earnt it i do what i want with it. Admittedly he would pay the reduced rent but the resentment was immense and would cause an argument every pay day. (He acted so hard done by). When he did pay for the odd meal etc I technically would be the one who paid for it in the long run because his money would all be gone and I would then be paying for everything till he got paid again (if that makes sense). He felt very entitled and didnt care where the money came from as long as he was getting and doing what HE wanted. His priority was never his responsibility as a father and husband. What he wanted was far more important than paying a bill, putting gas and electric on the metre or food in the cupboards (then had the audasity to tell me there’s f#$k all in the cupboards. Sorry my money could only literally stretch so far and couldnt spend what I didnt have as I was paying ALL the bills all but the rent) or paying back his debts (tricked me into getting out a 5k loan to NEVER pay me a penny back and I got blacklisted for the first time in my life for him to tell me it wasn’t his problem) he owes thousands to all sorts of companies and these will remain unpaid unless they seriously take action on him. His answer to all this was well if they are stupid enough to lend it me well more fool them. I seriously could not live my life like that. I couldn’t live with myself let alone sleep at night. Absolutely no conscience what so ever. He was certainly TAKE TAKE TAKE. Grrr

        Hope your writing goes well and I too would like the opportunity to read it oneday.

        Big hugs xx

    2. Yes, mine doesn’t raise his voice. Like you, I have shouted out of sheer frustration, then hated myself for it. He, however, just noted the response. His best trick is pacing… interrupting, not answering, knowing what I’m going to say and answering quickly with the next thing to throw off rhythm even further (to facilitate the frustration).

      1. Thank you Pos and jusa for getting back to me in this. This is how he always used to operate and I’m glad actually to hear rhis is what they do when talking as I did actually start thinking this was my fault and a default within myself. jusa I remember him firing a question at me and within seconds without my brain even having time to process it he would say things like don’t answer mw then or see I told ya. I remember always saying well give us a chance and he either laugh or just walk off.

        I often beat myself up as to why I allowed myself to be treated like this. I’m sad I’ve lost my marriage and was hooked on him and the family unit has been torn apart am I’m the one left picking up the peices. I know being away from him feels and is healthier for myself and my children. I just spose I miss the dream I was promised.

        I’m still undergoing counselling for the trauma but I am in a better place now although I do still have a long way to go. I’ve lost count as to how many times I have been through the different stages of grief. I will get to the top one at some point but for now im just learning to be kind to myself and slowly excepting that this was not my fault.

        This site has truely been a blessing. I wish you all the best. We will all get there in our own time.

        Big hugs to each and every one of you. Xx

    3. Hi SD 🙂

      I replied via my iphone & it must have got lost into the universal tech land???

      As the other ladies have replied, mine was the same & the monotone voice, all control, just watching for clues etc…as they love to watch us squirm while they lie through their teeth & twist stuff around etc…mine was great at it & sometimes I would end up apologizing to him for stuff I hadn’t done???

      Psychological warfare was not my strong point, nor was confrontation & he had a story for everything always, very draining 😦

      Still we have survived & you must never doubt yourself or your role in the game.
      You were just being played with for his amusement as that’s how they get their kicks 😦
      They really aren’t worth the energy & they take all of ours.
      That’s why you feel drained, constant gaming, blaming, framing,shaming etc…(Sigh).

      Google Thomas Sheridan, he has some more great insight’s into the Soc’s, very helpful 🙂

      Keep up your healing as it will help you recover quickly 🙂

      Love to you & LO 🙂

      PR xoxo

  37. I was involved with a sociopath. Today, he is serving some time in prison and will luckily not be able to hurt anyone else for a long time. I never realized how dangerous this man was, living in his suburban house with his suburban life, until he his true colors came out. And I did a litte investigating. I was so brainwashed and just couldn’t believe it. It has taken me over three years to finally see the truth of what sort of monster I was involved with. The word ‘manipulation’ does not do the work of the sociopath justice. This man completely broke me down emotionally. He never laid a hand on me other than the time he Raped me. He was never physically abusive before that…but he didn’t have to be. I remember curling up on the bathroom floor in the early hours of the morning in a fetal position, crying non stop, feeling utterly helpless and lost and wondering what had happened to the ‘me’….. the me I used to be. This is what the true sociopath will do to a person – make that person feel so desperate, humiliated and degraded that they too feel that they are totally losing their mind. The true Sociopath will take away every vestige of their target’s individuality, spirit and hope… leaving behind just a pathetic and helpless disciple, left alone in the dark stumbling around for answers. The true Sociopath will trick you and con you in every way possible. And without you EVER knowing until it’s too late. Once the reality comes to light and you see behind the mask, you will be in more trouble than you ever thought possible. Financially, emotionally, mentally, Socially. You are just another victim added to the Sociopaths list. And it will take you YEARS to undo the psychological damage and heart ache caused by the Sociopath. You may think you are in a ‘normal’ relationship. You may think you’re in love and that the Sociopath is deeply or madly in love with you and only has the best intentions…but the truth of the reality is that you are being used and mentally abused while the Sociopath gets his narcissistic needs met. You are just a mere Tool in the Sociopaths eyes. An object of value that when the Sociopath no longer has any use for…will toss to the side like scraps for the dogs. The sociopath doesn’t give a damn about you. AT ALL, PERIOD! All the gifts and flowers, all those sweet comments and “I love you’s”? They meant NOTHING and are just a means for the sociopath to keep you hanging on for their own personal gain. As for breaking up with the Sociopath, be VERY VERY careful. It’s NO joke. These people are Snakes and they will turn on you like Lucifer himself and in a heartbeat! And reduce your already trampled self esteem and sense of self worth into the mud…or even worse six feet under…, even lower than you could ever have thought possible. By the time they are done with you, you will feel worthless, unlovable, useles, Depressed, ugly, unwanted ect. You will blame yourself for everything that went wrong with the ‘relationship. (that was just a game in the Sociopaths eyes) And the truth is that you were taken advantage of and abused by a highly skilled Shark in shallow waters, who lives life hunting for prey. You never saw it coming? Of course not. And that’s not your fault. They will leave you devastated and isolated and damaged beyond repair. And it’sup to you to pick of the broken pieces of whats left of you miserable existence.

    1. Hi Luxia Newmar,
      Everything you wrote is true & I hope you are doing okay because it has been a very traumatic experience for you & a lot of us 😦
      I hope you are doing your healing?
      It takes time but, I for one have found that by taking the focus off the Soc & putting it totally onto yourself is a great healer.
      It’s in your power to love & honour yourself & the Soc has no control over how you choose to do that.
      You are free now to be yourself without anyone else influencing you or harming you anymore.
      It’s a hard journey but, you worth it so, keep going & don’t bog yourself done in the Soc’s world or ways anymore.

      You are not to blame, you are worthy of much better, so believe in yourself & your recovery will come 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Hi PR 🙂

        That is a great post that you wrote. I especially like the “You are free now to be yourself without anyone else influencing you or harming you anymore.” That’s what I started to do lately and it’s good to know that I am beginning to feel that way. These last days I haven’t wrote as I was occupied with some new activities (some extra job with which I am satisfied 🙂 and I am too getting better regarding the soc… all the soc experience has stayed somewhere behind me, so I guess that would mean that I am moving on 🙂 I noticed that lately when I think about him, it doesn’t hurt anymore, I don’t get sentimental or that I feel pain in my heart as I used to before. But I am still interested in ‘sociopath phenomenon”, reading and getting knowledge about them… now I ‘expended’ my interest not only on sociopath dating and men, but about people generally.

        @ Luxia

        I know how you feel and I felt destroyed just as you, all what you wrote is true. But as PR name says, you will rise again! The sociopath has punched you in boxing arena and you fall down but it is NOT the end of the battle (although it feels so). You will get up and leave the arena as a winner!!

  38. The best part of getting over it is ending it, when you finally wake up. Like walking out of a dark movie theater into the sunlight after watching a horror movie. Thinking to yourself… whew… it wasn’t real, it was all a bad dream, I can now get on with my life! No more detective work, no more lies, no more twisted view of reality based on this persons manipulation, no more loss of sleep, no more feeling like you’re crazy, no more wondering, no more feeling tired, sick, frazzled, and no more feeling like you’re on the outside of the relationship looking in at all happening.. Wondering what the hell is going on.
    Time to clear the house of all reminders, if they left things? mail them out. Why bother having them come get their things? It only gives them a chance to turn on the water works and pull you back in. After its all gone, sage the house, remember who you are, and work on why…and never again.. Think back to when this all started. What were you going through at the time that your intuition was blurred to the point of non focus? For me it was the health and eventual passing on my Dad.. I was weak and vulnerable and got taken in .
    Took 7 months but I got out.. a lot of reflection and dot connecting and life is beginning to feel normal again now. Every day…It gets better and better. You know, those days when it felt great to be you? They do return..

      1. YW! And thank you for all the information on this site! it’s all very enlightening and well.. some pretty terrifying…All n all a very much needed education !

        Thanks again!

    1. What a great response and so well written. Thank you for sharing that with us all. Very inspiring. I’m still very much at the reflecting and dot connecting and looking deep within myself.

      I will as everyone else here will be a stronger person for having gone through what we have.

      Xx

      1. You’re very welcome! .. I was thinking this morning that it is so hard to really move on from this at healthy pace. To free yourself of the chronic thinking and that feeling of being at 100 mph while involved with these kinds of people. Im not sure anymore its an emotional response, or an emotional need or that we’re still in Love with the costume they wore. Im beginning to believe its almost the same as being on a roller coaster and then stepping off. Its the thrill. And we go back for more, even though some parts of the ride scare us half to death, we go back on for another round. Maybe the brain sees these types of situations the same way. We know its not healthy, we know its a terrifying thing to do, but the mind gets hooked on the chemical rush of fight or flight. So when its over? its not us, or our hearts, or our emotional need for that person, its our minds addiction to the situation . Sort of like an addict doubling up on that needle dip.. And since we were chasing something that was never really there, we have trouble coming down from that , the thing we could never really find, we could never really put our fingers on… because it never existed.
        So maybe its not “us” as feeling humans that cant get over it, maybe its our minds need for the fix….. Im not sure, maybe? Because I dont know about you, but when someone lets the costume go and a demon is under the fabric? Love and want are no longer in the equation.

      2. You raise some really interesting points. I’m not really looking backwards either—I know what I *don’t* want. I think it’s much worse than that. I’m perfectionistic, competitive, challenge-driven in everything I do. “Unattainable” is a hard slice for me to get my mind around. Do I want to “fix”? I don’t know. I do care about people—I’m someone who will help you for your own good, even when you don’t know better, if I really think it will impact your direction and it’s important. But I’m no saint. I’m not greedy, but I have as much drive to possess and obtain as the next person. If you haven’t ever tried to chase a ghost, I wonder about the mind’s ability to grasp that as a possibility.

      3. Jusagurl,

        The mind and consciousness are designed to grasp that concept at birth, through the ego. The ego will drive a lot of people to be in control, in control of everything, even people . Part of the issue with being involved with a sociopath is control. We feel out of control, we cant even chase down the truth at times, and when someone bends our sense of reality to fit theirs through lies and manipulation? That removes even the smallest amount of control from every aspect we thought we had in life. We’re pre-wired to chase things that dont make sense, to find the reasons and answers…

      4. …and, in this case, that’s bad? I do realize I can’t get the truth from the individual I’m personally dealing with (soc or not, aside), unless he sees the benefit/loss to him. So, I don’t think I engage just to get answers, since I believe I can only trust them 50% of the time. My challenge-seeking nature may cause me to engage out of sheer curiosity though… sometimes, it’s dangerous being a Gemini…

      5. Well, if you pay super close attention, you ‘ll get the truth whether they want to reveal it or not. They slip up constantly and you can catch it if you’re always on your toes. Which is exhausting to say the least. Is this someone you can and or are able to distance yourself from? And no , its not a bad thing, but we need to know when its time to cut our losses and walk….

      6. I know what you mean, on all counts. The devil is certainly in the details and I wear him out by pulling out those little incidentals he would’ve been better off keeping to himself. It does wear me out, and I know when he dead ends and has to buy time/distance somehow, he needs time to think up a counter lie he wasn’t prepared for that I will buy into. Probably just helping him sharpen his game. I can distance myself, or take off entirely. It isn’t costing me anything anymore because I’m not manipulatable. I’m sure it will probably end eventually, but I do still enjoy his company, and I’m not into a “relationship” with him at this point.

      7. The devil is also very patient , and enjoys keeping you coming back. Why not just cut it loose and take off? You say you enjoy the company, but why not find someone whos company is more positive and fulfilling? Where the game doesnt exist and its healthy..
        Its a fwb kind of situation? if so I can see not having any emotional investment in it, even so, the game still exists ….

      8. “The devil is also very patient , and enjoys keeping you coming back. Why not just cut it loose and take off? You say you enjoy the company, but why not find someone whos company is more positive and fulfilling? Where the game doesnt exist and its healthy..
        Its a fwb kind of situation? if so I can see not having any emotional investment in it, even so, the game still exists ….”

        ——————

        I have my reasons (very practical ones) but can’t really reveal here as my identity then would be obvious to the soc, were he to also be lurking. But I’m talking to others in the meantime and do want a healthy relationship. But he’s not sitting around trying to mess with my head when we’re together (that messing came with making plans, not following through, making me believe one thing, doing another—things I’m disallowing/rejecting at this stage). Generally, he just wants to enjoy being around or doing something together. And, no, it’s not fwb…soc’s are sexually dangerous as you can’t know where they’ve been. And, as women, we are more prone to emotional connection through sex. He’d have me for sure if he were offering that up all the time. He hasn’t done very good analysis on his prey, in this case.

    2. Again a very interesting way of putting/looking at it.

      For me it did very much feel like a roller coaster ride I was on. The addiction to them I get but I could never quite put my finger on why I was so addicted to him. I’ve asked myself this question many times because I never enjoyed being treated like this nor got a buzz from it. Just a tight pain in my chest and full of anxiety from all the hurting which at times became unbearable and I on occasions was so upset about everything that I would be physically sick and I would spend my days and nights crying.

      A big factor for me was feeling cheated, lied to, manipulated, all the broken promises etc.yearning for the person that never really was. I stupidly invested all that I had and was as a person into this relationship for it all to be nothing more than a game to him. I still struggle at how anyone can treat another human being in this way. I feel angry with myself for ignoring the red flags and not loving myself enough to have got out sooner.

      I still battle with it all but I have to keep reminding myself to stop being so hard on myself. Having a small child together makes it harder.

      Xx

      1. Soul…

        Im sorry that you had to go through that, I know the pain all to well of being lied to and made to believe life was one way, when it was the opposite..

        We have to remember that what happened to us, and the people that treated us that way? Are not who we are, this situation didnt create a brand new identity for us as human beings. We are still the same caring kind people we were before, but we find ourselves in a position of figuring out a mystery with very vague and transparent answers. Total frustration. I know its so tough to separate what happened, to who you are as a person, we tend to internalize things that happen and take them on as real and part of us now. But that couldnt be further from the truth. Try and be aware that what went on is the past, it is not real anymore, it doesnt exist anywhere except in your memory of it. It still feels real though, just like thinking of eating a lemon makes your mouth water. Our subconscious cant tell the difference from past or present. Even in emotional states. Try not to take on that identity of being damaged, fooled, and used.. It only feels that way now, its not happening…

        Your screen name is a constant reminder to you of how you feel, but it isnt who you are… Please take no offense to that, Im just pointing it out as it will tend to keep in that place of suffering….

      2. Again some very wise positive comments. Im learning to be positive because I have been negative for so long.

        No offense taken. Your absolutely right.

      3. Good, I didnt want to insult you in any way… but just like our ego keeps us involved with them, it also likes to keep us in that role of victim.. through labels, behavior, memories…etc etc… It’s not easy I know, I work on it every day. Some days are easier than others and the ratio between remembering and living eventually flips… 🙂

      4. I do struggle with the here and now because I am having to delve back into all this because its ended up in court. Be glad when its all over so I can focus more on the here and now and keep putting my best foot forward.

        Xx

      5. Good grief, once it hits the legal system and drags out its real tough to cut the memories loose until thats over. .I wont ask you to repeat what happened, I’ll see if I can find your story on the site if you posted it here… I do wish you the best of luck in that though..

        Keep ya head up.. and stay positive!

      6. Awww SD you have come so far 🙂
        It’s all about self love, self worth & if we had that then we wouldn’t have relied on the Soc to validate us & need us 😦
        We search our whole lives looking for our soul mate/other half & we had it all along.
        It’s us, we need to merge our outer & our inner together with love, understanding,trust & compassion.
        Then as whole people we can find a complimentary partner that values our wholeness & doesn’t stand a chance at undermining us.
        We are okay in ourselves & won’t tolerate abuse etc…so, keep working on your self, your best friend is you so, take care of you as only you can 🙂
        Love & light 🙂
        PR xoxo

    3. Hi Christian 🙂
      How long where you in your relationship?
      I was in for 10 years so, am nearly there but, with some relapses occasionally 😦
      I am however committed to recovery & not living in the experience anymore which is like you described, coming out into the sunshine once again 🙂

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. I was in it for just over 7 months, not nearly as long as some of you, and definitely not as damaging either. I feel for you guys from the bottom of my heart. Coming to this site and reading, and reading, and reading is what gave me the ingredients to use deductive reasoning and put all the parts together. My intuition was screaming at me, all the lies felt like kicks to the gut, the behavior, the expressions not matching the words. All of it…
        What made it worse was it began just as I lost my Father, its like she was waiting for that to begin and swooped in when I was at my lowest point, having lost Mom a few years ago this was the most devastating thing I have ever experienced. I remember one thing very clearly, I was at her place confronting her about a few things she lied to me about, I had the proof, I knew all of the bullshit that wasn’t true and she was denying it. Because it was timed with my fathers passing I brought that timing up and broke down, just started sobbing there at the table. I remember thinking , wait, if the tables were turned, id be comforting you. After a bout a few minutes, I looked up and she was sitting there with her arms crossed and a smug look on her face…. Thats all the proof I needed… but still it took me a few months to get out, they come back like flies to cake. And then act like nothing happened, that blew me away too… Oh, and the crying with no tears.. Thats a great one. I remember saying, how are you doing that? theres no fluid? how are you crying with no tears? thats so weird…

      2. Hi Christian, yes they feign emotion or sit emotionless as only they can do 😦
        My Soc loves a funeral, it’s a good place to pick up apparently?
        His current OW was targeted at one (she told me this) & her arrival in his life coincided with his Mother’s dementia (he borrowed/took money from her) so, the OW is loaded & upon his Mothers death he moved in with the OW (cash cow) so, they are very adept at targeting the right person for their personal gain/game.
        I am sorry for the loss of you parents, I hope that you find happiness with a worthy person soon & you can put this recent experience behind you 🙂

        Love & light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      3. At a funeral? wow…. of all the low and tasteless things to do.. Even after all the reading you do, some of their behavior is just as shocking… You know, I have been in very quick ending relationships with a sociopath before, and I mean quick. the Violence I saw early on was enough for me to hit the bricks in an instant. When somones eyes go black, veins popping out of their foreheads , shaking, from just asking a question? Its time back up and run… She actually told me she doesnt feel what other people feel, she said she doesnt feel love, sadness, empathy… this was like 8 years ago. She showed her true colors in about 2 weeks..Theres more to it than that and I dont want to give it any more energy than that… lol . Even though 7 months is very short compared to a lot of other people here, It felt like a lifetime for me. It was astounding to witness a human being act, talk, behave this way. It was like sitting with a robot. It really makes you question if you’re in a movie and you’ll hear “cut” at any moment… Its pure insanity to be around when you’re a normal feeling/empathetic person..

        And thank you, Im dealing the best I can… losing your folks is an unbearable experience we’re never prepared for….It will send you sideways for a long while.

        TY again…. 🙂

      4. Hi Christian,

        I lost my Dad in 2010 & my much loved ex-mother-in -law 7 weeks apart.
        Recently (Aug 2013) a best friend passed & when the OW emailed me with the revelations of our Soc in April 2013, I had just lost another close relative 😦
        I know how hard it can be 😦 the losses just keep coming for me this year (sigh).
        The losses of loved ones, keep my life in perspective because, as hard as it is, it is survivable 🙂
        You are not alone here so, thank-you for your support & I can see from other exchanges your input is comforting & appreciated 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      5. I am sorry to read that you have been through so much loss PR. Why does life go like that? It is either nothing – or everything all at the same time. I know how difficult that can be to cope with. But you know that you will…. and out of the other side you will emerge stronger and wiser…. like a butterfly!

      6. Thank-you Pos 🙂

        I always hear this song in my head when I think of the beautiful souls that have passed over:)

        I love Butterflies & we are all thinking of you, you are never alone 🙂

        Take Care 🙂
        PR xoxo

      7. Thank you very much for that, I’m right there with you as far as it being the year to suffer losses, and run into a Soc that comes in like a crocodile waiting for the vulnerable to show up. And, you’re right, it keeps life and priorities in perspective as well as making you aware again and again this is only temporary, we don’t have a do-over button like when we were kids. We have to make every minute count, and losing just one of those minutes to a blood sucking Sociopath is beyond unacceptable…

        Thank you again, and have an awesome Day/night wherever you might be!

      8. Thank-you Christian 🙂

        I am in Melbourne Australia so, I am already blessed to be here 🙂
        I look at endings as beginnings so, time to re-build & focus on us 🙂
        We will be whole again, just never the same & we learn to live again after loss but, never forget those who truly loved us 🙂
        We need to remember who we are, not what happened to us…
        We are real,not illusions or fake representations.
        It all fades away eventually to the nothingness that is the Sociopath!
        Voids to be Avoided 🙂

        Love & Light Always 🙂

        PR xoxo

  39. I’m having a challenging day.

    Recently relocated across the country, and have been here just over a week.

    A lot of changes. Environment. Job. Personal life. Friends. Etc. Its all new, or non existent at this point.

    I’m having dreams almost every night about my soc, when I thought I wes in full and complete acceptance. In fact, it felt as though I was. And maybe I still am? But my heart has been heavy. I have a weight on me. An anxiety following me around. A little bit of a sadness. I dont know if this is all coming up again because i am in a new place, and looking for something familiar? Or what. I hate seeing him in my dreams. I hate wondering whether he is with his Ex again or not. I hate that I do care, to some degree. I hate that I still think of him and wish he were there to talk me through this challenging life changing time, and its like I forget all the terrible things he is made up of.

    I have still kept no contact. I am not too nervous about reaching out, as the thought makes me sick to my stomach. But thats just it, whether I am communicating with him or not, I have this sick feeling. I dont know what to attribute it to. Sort of at a loss right now.

    Thoughts? Suggestions? I need to get a clear mind/grip on this situation…

    1. I know this is extremely difficult, im in the same position. Just recently moved states away from where I lived my entire life, moved by myself and havent had the time to make a new circle of friends since I work for myself by myself time has been super tight. The first person I end up dating turns out to be a sociopath.. So im also dealing with this as a solo act.
      Remember this feeling is only temporary, its what your body and brain are used to feeling and its familiar right now so its even harder to shed and leave behind. Dont give in to the thoughts, if you have them where you cant deal? call a family member, or a friend and talk it out, if its a secret right now? letting go of that secret can be very healing, getting it out makes it much smaller than it seems right now.. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself from caving in….

      1. I just want this gnawing feeling today. Some days I am so strong and confident. Others, it feels so dark, lonely and scary. Some days I am afraid i wont ever be able to keep my head above water. I feel like I am suffocating, and cant escape it.

      2. Sounds like you’re still tied to this person on an energy level. I saw a spirituality based post on the site here that would help you with this. There are ways of breaking that energy/spiritual tie and not experiencing shared emotions anymore…

      3. I have no idea. How do I know whether its him connecting to me that is sucking my energy..or me connecting to him? I have gone weeks/months with him crossing my mind but not feeling it on this deep energetic level. Now, its all encompassing and I am seeing him in my dreams almost every night. It is smothering me.

      4. Its probably both, somewhere in you there is a need for this, and being in unfamiliar surroundings is only making it harder to deal with. You need to figure out why you’re still attached, what part of you needs this connection, find it and let it go. All of this is making you a victim, reliving it all, going over all of it over and over, dreaming about it. Maybe you havent really dealt with it all the way down? When we dream of things its a lot of the time our subconscious telling us we have unresolved issues. Memories have the same amount of outward energy as thoughts do, so you put that out as energy when you go over them time and time again. Even if you’re thinking of what you dont want. Try thinking of what you “do” want instead. Your consciousness as a tool for change is way more powerful than we realize. You can rid yourself of this.. But you have to mean it.

        Jusagurl had some great advice also , in her post above^^^^

      5. Either way, I believe what Christian suggested is right. There is a post about energy strands/cords, bonds, something. The gist of it is that you focus on what’s connecting to you and gently ask it to go to break the bond. At one point, I was in the same situation as you and just felt overwhelmed and infiltrated and I did this and it worked. I just said, “I do love you so you don’t need to keep issuing the question. You can go and, please give me peace.”

    2. Wow, that’s an awful lot of change and uncertainty at once. I have done this a couple times so, I’m very familiar with the process. And, like Christian, this last time, my first contact in town was the soc so, you are particularly vulnerable. New, decent contacts are very desirable right now—introducing yourself to kind neighbors, figuring out Yahoo! Meetup groups where you can at least establish some base, even if you change course later. I would also recommend starting to connect to your physical surroundings so your not so physically intimidated and isolated—walk in local parks, visit restaurants and stores, get your library card and make this an adventure in spurts. Rest up after work. Recover. Watch some favorite tv and movies before more new. You’ll be ok, little by little.

    3. Hi GL 🙂

      It’s the upheaval of your life, not the Soc although he was the main cause of the life change. Don’t tie him into your reality as he is not your reality.
      You have a chance now to really be free so, don’t let your fears overcome you & you will be fine…it’s a good feeling sometimes to be nervous as you are getting ready for big changes.
      Stay focused on yourself & not the Soc….he’s an illusion, he has no control,he is in the past, leave him there now & look towards your very bright future 🙂
      PR xoxo

    4. @gaslighted

      What kind of dreams are you having – is he appearing as loving or sociopathic asshole?

      I think the dreams are the last screams of the addiction that the sociopath created and the dreams are trying to lure you go back to him. Don’t do that! It’s a rite of passage and if you stick you will go through it!

      I felt just like you described – I knew it all with my head but my heart was heavy, burdened… To me, it really helped me when I did the procedure to ask the Akashic records to help me. (I bought the book “Akashic Records” by Ernesto Cortes) It is interesting that I realized that all that I was feeling and what was the problem was the addiction that sociopath created… I also used to have dreams of my ex soc but I decided to face these dreams with the attitude: I know it is the addiction, screaming through my dreams to make me get another fix (connect with soc) BUT I will ignore it as I know what it is. After a while, these dreams will stop because your addiction will ‘realize’ that it’s not working and it will give up.

      The last dreams that I had of my ex spath were so strong- it was him telling me he realized how wrong he was and that he wants us to be together again and another one was – I came into his house and he got up from his desk and rushed and warmly hugged me and he said “You came”. When I woke up I knew that the definite ‘goodbye’ (finally mentally from my side) is to come. I remembered the song by Sarah Brightman “Time to say goodbye” … it goes…
      “time to say goodbye
      to countries I never saw and shared with you
      now yes I shall experience
      I’ll go with you across the seas which I know no longer existed
      it’s time to say goodbye”

      In my dream I experienced everything that in reality I never really did (everything with sociopath is fake) and never will with him (they can’t change)
      Him changing, realizing his ‘wrongs’ and true feeling of real love… these were symbolically “the seas” in the song…
      I didn’t have dreams of him after these and I did all those healings and it is better and better… just stick to the fight and it will pass!!! You are having difficult time with adapting to new surrounding and the addiction is trying to take advantage of you vulnerability. Just IGNORE the dreams!!!! 🙂

      1. “You don’t know what a chance is until you have to seize one
        You don’t know what a man is until you have to please one
        Don’t put your life in the hands of a man with a face for every season
        Don’t waste your time in the arms of a man who’s no stranger to treason

        I cover my ears, I close my eyes, still hear your voice… and it’s telling me lies.”

        Telling Me Lies – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3jupvnW-dk

      2. Sorry! I just saw this for some reason. Its been hectic getting situated in my new environment/new job.

        The dreams are nondescript. Mostly, he is sitting across from me or standing in front of me. Not really saying anything to me, but more or less letting me say what I think I would need to say to him? It is strange, but similar to how he typically works. He would do something so twisted, get me so worked up, not react at all and just let me have it out with him as he sits there and doesnt react…as if once I do that, I am healed and fixed from it. I remember him saying a few times “I’ll let you rip me apart if thats what makes it okay”. Its like, he truly thought thats all he needed to do. Just sit there and take it for it all to go away.

        But no, in my dreams, it doesnt appear he is begging me to come back or promising me anything. He is just “there” to remind me he is “there”.

        I feel like it has been a death. He has dropped out of my existence completely. I have come to term with the fact that I will never see or talk to him again (or, at least i am trying) but it is such a bizarre feeling…

        To know someone so well, to share such experiences with them, all to amount to never having them in your life again or sharing anything with them again..it bothers me. I think it has always bothered me that what we have had for years amounts to 0. I like to be able to build history and trust with someone. I wanted to make things right. I wanted to say “we were young, this was all just a misunderstanding..we are past those days now”…but we never got past them. I tried to, really I did. He wanst any different though, after years.

        I feel like its hopeless (which, i know it is). But I want so badly to shake him. I want to ask him what the hell he was thinking. I want him to look me in the face and see what he gave up, what he is missing. I want him to feel SORRY (but we all know that day will never come). I want so badly to feel a conclusion to this, on both ends, which i know is also impossible.

        Do you think he also feels the inconclusiveness? Or does he not care? I’m sure i know these answers. Is it really just a disappearing act for him? I wish I could crawl inside his litlte head and see what he thinks. But, I’m sure if there was any emotion involved at all (which theres not) than i would hear from him.

        I guess he truly does feel nothing. Do you think he can communicate with me via dreams? Or is that just MY subconscious. For those that are spiritually included, I may have asked this before, but is it HIS connection to me that I feel from time to time? Or is it simply me breathing life into that energetic cord. Something I often wonder.

        Sorry for the rant, I have been going through a crazy emotional upheaval as I moved across the country to start a new job. It has been insane and more than i bargained for emotionally (leaving my comfort zone, our apartment, my office, my family…), and I have been trying to keep my head above water. These feelings have also surfaced feelings of familiarity with my soc. I have maintained No Contact, but have found a few situations in which I wish I could have talked to him about. Just being open and honest. I wish it were always that cut and dry. Seems as though it is a progress eveyr single day.

      3. I really relate to your experience with the dream, wherein his behavior mirrors how he is in your reality. I dreamed of mine too when I went No Contact the first time. I was with another man in the dream—a dynamic, charismatic entertainer. My soc was lying on a bed, his back to us with a gentle smile on his face. He said nothing, but I knew he was there. I felt my actions were hurting him and I decided to leave the new man and go to him. This next part is really weird—I felt as though half of him was pleased at my leaving for him, and half was telling me it was okay to stay with the new man, that he understood. Obviously torn.

        We want (need) so badly for them to give us something, something they never succeeded in fulfilling during our time together. Even if you could talk about the things you mention with him, would you be satisfied? Was there anything about your relationship that fully satisfied you… without leaving behind empty longing?

        I ask you only what I ask myself. I ask it because, I think sometimes it would be a very neat trick for satan/evil/darkness to come into your/our life only to be temporary, fleeting, and to leave us with nothing when the antithesis is said to be God/love/light, which is enriching and fulfilling. If the opposite of love is indifference, as many say here, would the opposite of a real God be a fake copy/imitation? I sometimes think I’ve encountered the devil.

      4. I totally understand…its never them coming up with anything new, but more or less just being in your presence to let you come to the conclusion.

        I once ran into him, years ago, at a local pub. I heard he was there, by mutual friends, after I had already got there. I didn’t make a scene or attempt to go see him. Instead he walked up to me, hammered, and just stared at me. Intently. Didn’t say a word. And most normal people,when faced with an awkward silence, feel the need to say something or fill it. I feel like thats what they do. They create this awkward scenario that leaves you thinking you’re the one that needs to fix it/say something/do something…usually encouraged by phrases (in my case) such as,

        “I’ve done all I can, I don’t know what else to tell you”
        “I have nothing else to say”
        “I’m sorry I cant ever be good enough for you”
        “I’m sorry you feel that way”

        And instead of saying, yeah, youre right…I feel the need to argue it. Weird mind games. But yes, anyway, he would appear this way in my dreams often.

        There is nothing he could give me, in person or a dream. I think its just that same aching feeling. That same void. That same emotional “blue balls” (pardon my vulgarity, but its a good analogy). It’s like, wait, that cant be it.

        Oh, but it can. And it is.

        What I am having a hard time with understanding mroe clearly lately is that I was the one that ended things, iced him out for 2 months until he finally stopped contacting me and I cahnged my number. It wasn’t him that ended it with me. It was me that chose better. And not to be lied to, cheated on, messed around with. Yet, it still feels the same. Such a weird feeling. It’s like, why am I still dreaming about someone, wondering why they havent tried to contact me..when I KNOW why…if someone had to “win” in this, it would likely be me who has shut him out completely and left him high and dry. I mean, right? Its weird how even when it ends, our perspective is completely distorted. If I was dealing with any other normal person, and I broke up with them this way, I would be the biggest bitch on the planet and feel so terrible for being so cold hearted. But yet, when dealing with him, I still feel the sting of rejection. I sold my things, quit my job, moved across the country, moved out of my apartment, changed my number and all without so much as a clue to him. He has no idea. Yet, I feel rejection. How twisted is that? If I did that to any normal person with feelings and emotions, they would likely be searching for a ” dating a sociopath” blog and be writing about me…

      5. GL, your just sad that he didn’t fight for you when you ended it, drew the line in the sand and, hoped he would see what he was losing & fight for you 😦
        Unfortunately he doesn’t have the need to fight for you & that’s why your disappointed because you fought so hard for him & his love 😦
        You need to refocus your love for him onto yourself, you are worth so much more 🙂
        Even if he came back tomorrow begging you to take him back, you probably would but, resentment & pain now reside in your soul so, you would always be waiting & shoring yourself up for the next assault of your senses.
        I know this because I did it forever, it really isn’t worth it & you must aspire to better, more worthy & fulfilling relationships.
        You must strive for great no so & so in your next relationship.
        You are still healing & floundering about but, when you finally ‘let go’, you will stop all this see-saw of doubt & wondering.
        Do all the affirmations, yoga,healing….no matter if your not feeling it, do it regardless, eventually it settles in to your soul & a shift will occur.
        Time is a great healer but, you have to be patient with yourself.
        You’ve come a long, long way & the war is nearly over for you….keep going 🙂
        Take your heart back & keep it, it’s very precious 🙂

        PR xoxo

        “When The War Is Over”

        Ain’t nobody gonna steal this heart away
        Ain’t nobody gonna steal this heart away

        When the war is over
        Got to get away
        Pack my bag to no place
        In no time no day
        You and I we used each other’s shoulder
        Still so young but somehow so much older
        How can I go home and not get
        Blown away

        You and I had our sights set

        On something
        Hope this doesn’t mean our days are numbered
        I got plans for more than a wanted man
        All around this chaos and madness
        Can’t help feeling nothing more than sadness
        Only choice to face it the best I can

        When the war is over
        Got to start again
        Try to hold a trace of what it was
        Back then
        You and I we sent each other stories
        Just a page I’m lost in all its glory
        How can I go home and not get blown away

        Ain’t nobody gonna steal this heart away
        Ain’t nobody gonna steal this heart away
        Ain’t nobody gonna steal this heart away

        Ain’t nobody gonna steal this heart away
        Ain’t nobody gonna steal this heart away
        Ain’t nobody gonna steal this heart away

      6. Hi Jusa 🙂

        I think you are correct & they are the Devil’s among us & have always been here & the old good vs evil is always playing out.
        From us, & to the world there is great evil & great good but, to encounter it in a love form is excruciating because, it forces us to realise that the devil does exist by nature 😦 in many guises & we must always be prepared to hold our good against them, always 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      7. Awww GL 😦

        You are mourning the loss of the relationship & it can last forever just as when you lose someone in death.
        The memories linger on & on & the fact that sometimes people go & leave unanswered questions is very haunting. Like a suicide without a note of explanation or a missing person who just leaves & disappears. It’s a very tragic scenario & not easy to recover from. i have friends that have both these scenarios in their lives & there is no end to their pain.
        Fortunately for you your guy is not dead, just missing but, could be found if that was your desire.
        The fact is that you will get over him in time, the sun does shine (specially in LA 🙂

        Just hang in there & you will finally break the ties that bind & move forward into a brighter, better future.
        Remember this relationship would always bring you grief & it was a dead end street that you would go down again & again & that’s no life believe me.

        Be strong & brave 🙂

        Love PR xoxo

      8. Hi gaslighted!

        You did all the right things (moved away, started new, keeping NC) and it is normal that you are struggling because it is trauma and it needs healing and time… I think you are having comebacks to bargaining phase, you are ‘bargaining’ about is he trying to connect to you in your dreams, you are still wishing you talk to him (you are ‘bargaining’ about the ‘resolution’ – but there is never any resolution with the sociopath)… so just keep the NC, do the healing and you will be better…it’s hard but you are on the hard recovery road and don’t turn back. Yes, you can look back (think about soc, go through phases) but don’t turn and go back. The fog and the connection to the soc will weaken and you will feel different then. You now have sorrow when you think how you will let go (it bothers you that all that will be gone)… but when you reach that point to let go you will not feel sad anymore about it. I myself was a terrible ‘case’ – I used to wake up without breath, terrified, every morning for a few months after the discard, I used to cry every day constantly, I used to say to my sister that I will never get better (when she would say that I will get better), I used to take medications to calm down for a few months etc… but I fought to get to understand, to put myself on the recovery road and stick to it and I am better now… so I can tell you it is possible to survive and get better! Just stick to the fight! 🙂

        p.s. I don’t think the dreams about him are in any ‘connection’ with him. He is playing his games somewhere else… my ex spath some time ago wrote me a mail in which he wrote how he misses our ‘friendship’ and that since we parted ‘he felt something inside him died’ (it was a flowery talk to lure me in again) BUT I knew that in that very time when he wrote that he was actually very ‘alive and kicking’ with his old and new victims…. They are manipulators and liars, remember that they create illusion of ‘special’ connection with a woman, but in reality there is no special connection. I think your dreams are just your struggling with sociopath trauma, it is detoxification, let the dreams appear, look at them as detoxification (poison coming out), it will pass.

  40. It is Ernesto Ortiz not Cortis! 🙂 I think that trying all these kinds of healings can be helpful as this particular one helped me… Always work on your healing … it will turn your focus on yourself – make yourself your most important project and the final aim – to break betrayal bonds with soc!

  41. Hi All you Beautiful Survivors!
    I am on day 5 of Zero Contact as I initiated the ‘no contact ever again’…he had been sending me pointless, mean emails from oceans away and I put a STOP to it. I am feeling much better.

    I have been going to a Healing Center once a week and it has been Lovely. Wonderful people, hot springs, gardening…and yesterday I had the most interesting conversation with a fellow who met me last year, before I got derailed by a sociopath “I remember you as one of the most passionate women I have ever met. So enthusiastic about life and living”.

    Well, I am sloooowly bringing her back. My SP did everything he could to stomp on my Dreams. He read through all my journals, emails, word documents…INVASION….the fellow I was chatting with is from Ireland and is everything my SP is not: Funny, Honest, Well Liked, Authentic…he was telling me his prize possession is his Journals…got me thinking about what my SP did with mine….this man is Real and for the first time, I began to look back on my SP as the Ronald McAssclown that he is. I am not ready to date, though having dinner with this kind, honest lad felt Good. I did cry a bit when telling him a portion of my ordeal and he said “Monica, I am a good listener, I am sure your friends are good listeners and will listen to you all day long. Though, I noticed when you talk about this, you are re living all that pain. Why not, when a thought about him comes, just shut it out, take a breath and re focus your thoughts. “”” He has a point. I am tired of re-living all the pain. I need to let go of the Anger and Heal, get back on track with my Dreams so someday, when I am all healed up and on the Right Path again, my Heart will be ready for the ;Right’ partner…

    I know this is true for all of us here…..We Will Heal. There ARE good, kind, Honest, people on the planet, who bring and will bring Joy to our Life, not Craziness.

    I am still healing, this is not easy, though it was so refreshing to meet a fellow, who lives in the same city as the assclown, yet is so very diffferent….someone that is REAL.

    Brightest Blessings to You All!

  42. The no contact thing is a must , blocking emails, phone numbers , all of it. Even if you feel like you’re being rude by doing it? Which I do… it feels almost immature to have to do something like that. But when its for your own sanity and peace I think there is no other way around it. I was on 2 weeks no contact, peace returned, focus, the real me coming back through … progress! I’m feeling great ! So I decided to unblock the email addresses.. all 5 of them… lol exactly, 5. Secrets and lies require a lot of storage.. anyway.. I unblocked them thinking , eh’ im good, and I dont like the feeling of having to block anyone… well soon after the anxiety came rushing up , just the thought of emails coming in was enough to shatter the peace I had allowed back in… It reminded me of the constant state I was living in during this ordeal.. I put them all back in “blocked” … I just need a bit more time to let this all vaporize….. Not sure if this has happened to any of you guys in this way, but man it sucked… but was great lesson and view to my prior state…

    1. Hi Christian,
      It’s early days for you so, don’t expect so much of yourself 🙂
      It takes time to release the triggers that accompany the anxiety attacks.
      So, stay NO CONTACT & keep the blocks in place until you are finally strong enough to press delete if an email disturbs you or you feel you must look or respond.
      Don’t undermine your own healing by rushing the healing process as it’s like Soc rehab here & many will tell you its a hard habit to break free from.
      Eventually you will experience a shift take place & it’s truly amazing when it happens.
      I have been 6 months NC & I am finally feeling lighter, happier & done with the saga.
      The memories still linger sometimes but, less frequently.
      I have accepted the experience, learnt from it & am letting it go 🙂
      You will also, I promise & life does suddenly appear more real, vivid & even your senses awaken. It’s all going to be okay, trust yourself to heal yourself, listen to your instincts & break old patterns. Quit the Soc like a cigarette, butt it out & breath fresh clean air, & move through this experience into a better phase for you 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. Well Im a Cigg smoker and coffee hound so that analogy cant apply! lol…

        But you are so right, especially the senses… It’s like all of them were on mute and almost off. But day to day they get stronger and and more alive. It’s all so damn odd, and the answers keep coming daily…

      2. Hi Christian 🙂
        Sorry re analogy (lol)….answers keep coming & pennies keep dropping but, you know what?
        Don’t focus on your Soc, just keep all your energy redirected back onto you & give yourself the love,care,compassion etc…that you had given away freely to the unworthy Soc.
        It is a daily struggle but, one that eases in time & then look out!!
        You will be so much better & wiser but, most of all, real & true…no-more drama & bs…life will be bliss 🙂

        PR x

      3. Great post and advice PR!

        I can relate with everything that you wrote and I felt that shift happened to me during this previous week or so. I think I have finally let go! I took some additional job so I am more occupied and busy and although I am not consciously looking to date again (I am happy that I have myself again so it is good to be “with myself” now 🙂 , I noticed that in everyday life I am more ‘alive’ and communicative, open with people, laughing more… I think I have left the depression phase :)))) I am glad to hear that you are doing well and better and better too! 🙂 The soc experience is left further and further behind but new knowledge gained through all this, stays and I think it will serve me to ‘survive’ in new tomorrows 🙂

      4. Hi Caerra,

        I am so pleased to hear the ‘Shift’ has also taken place within you 🙂
        I think once you realise that the Soc needed you more that you need him then that’s it.
        Fully recovering takes acceptance of what has transpired then leaving it behind you as a lesson learned.
        I have had a great lesson learnt & one that I was blown away by.
        It took such a dramatic episode of 10 years to change my whole life pattern of accepting abuse & abusers.
        I am thankful for the lesson or I would have continued taking further abuse from who ever & I know that I will not ever think less of myself & I will speak out against abuse & abusers 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂 & continued strength to you 😉

        PR xoxo

      5. Thanks PR,

        It is so nice to hear that we here made such good progress, communicating here, sharing and support was so helpful beyond words…especially your great understanding and support. I even can’t believe that I am so ‘cured’ 🙂 but I really do feel so 🙂
        I lately ‘jumped’ into some new obligations so I have less time to write, but I do follow all the comments and it makes me really happy to hear that many of you are sticking to the NC and managed to pass through the rough times as when we first poured all our pain from ourselves here and supported each other in tough moments. The flame of Truth and Love has survived and is shining in us :)))

  43. Hi everyone,

    I have been reading your comments for the last few weeks and it’s really been helping me…to the point that I decided to finally contribute myself! Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. I was in a 3 year relationship and had no idea he was a sociopath. He was totally perfect in every way. He made his ex look like a crazy person, so I stepped in to “save” him from a disastrous relationship and put a roof over his head, then came immediate bombardment. He didn’t have a single friend – not from his childhood, college, jobs, nothing…I thought it was a bit odd, but I was so blinded by the attention I was getting, that I didn’t question it. He was also a functioning alcoholic, would drink a half bottle of rye EVERY night – but I ignored this bc (a) he wouldn’t ever get “drunk” (which in itself is scary given he’s only in his 30’s), and also (b) I was in the midst of bombardment and was in denial. Realizing he was a soc didn’t come to light until the break up happened a year ago…and I kept asking myself “who is this guy?!”. His response to our break up was so different than who I thought he was…it happened over the first fight we’d ever had, he immediately bolted, was angry, totally passive aggressive, impossible to communicate with, blamed me for causing it bc I didn’t love him enough – and then he went into silent treatment. Two weeks before the break up, he was asking me when i thought I’d be ready for marriage – imagine. But reading all these articles made me realize the soc behavior started on day one…back when I thought everything was perfect.

    It has been almost a year since the break up – and I would say that I’m in between stage 5 and 6. I still feel many moments of isolation bc I went from being a very independent woman to becoming so used to always having him around to do things for me…but have also now been “investigating” sociopathic behaviors. What made me look it up was a combination of trying to understand why I was feeling the way that I was (have been thru other break up’s and I never handled them this way)…and also bc my close friends who I would tell about how he was treating me post break up kept referring to him as a “soc”. We weren’t using the term seriously at that point, but I got so fed up with my lack of progress in terms of healing and looked it up one day…and this is how I found all of you. I was blown away with everything I read – so many articles on this site freaked me out bc they describe him perfectly, as well as describe exactly how i have felt. I spent a lot of time in stage 4 – the depression was almost debilitating. I couldn’t sleep, stopped eating, cried all the time and had a really tough time focusing on my job. I literally starved myself and lost 20ish pounds in less than 2 months. I was already a smaller type person – but I now weigh 97 pounds. I had to “learn” how to sleep through the night and how to start eating again.

    And as I was doing all this? The soc found himself someone new within minutes of our break up, moved in with her, and today I found out that they’re selling her house and have bought a home together. This was supposed to be OUR plan. He moved into my house in year 2 of our relationship, so he could save money to use towards our new house. These savings have now bought him a down payment on a house to share with someone else. Argh. I can barely still get myself out of the house every day and try and act normal around people, have no desire to be with anyone new bc I’m so traumatized, and yet he’s been able to do all this?!? Wow. I’m sure i was the ‘psycho ex’ in the story he told the latest girl….and she “saved” him from me….i even read an article about this exact pattern on this site, and it scared me. The irony of the situation is that while we were together, it was him who was pushing to progress our relationship, and he was the one almost “obsessed” with how he felt about me. I was more cautious and that’s what led to the end for us. And yet – he was able to move on extremely quickly, and I’m the one still struggling a year later.

    Anyway, I made the decision to reach out to this group today in the hopes of trying to prevent myself from reverting back to stage 4 and getting depressed again with the latest news about this home purchase, as this was the time of year we had planned on buying our house together. It’s so ridiculous – given what I now know about him, I don’t even want to see or hear from him again (I cut off all access two months ago) – but it still hurts me…a lot.

    1. Hi thanks for your comments and welcome to the site. You do know that she is his latest victim – whilst he is focusing on a bigger prize? I know it is upsetting that he is using that you both saved and that now he is buying a house with someone else….Aragh sociopath games. You did say that she is selling HER house? Well the deposit that he had with you…. he is probably using this as proof that he is great with money and reliable…. and can be trusted…. Hey, you know he was pushing the relationship and you were pulling back? Sociopaths do this as they want you ‘in love’ and therefore ‘controlled’ it was probably your higher self warning you to hold back… and your instincts were proven right.

      SO if he has told you that he wanted to move forward with YOU but you were holding back so now he is with someone who wants this…. DON’T fall for it – this is just sociopath mind tricks. He moved forward because all that he was thinking of was his own source for supply. And he could get that elsewhere. I am pleased that he is no longer your problem. But don’t think that she has anything that you don’t have…. all that she likely has is her house to sell — and he probably has a longer term plan for this too. Ahead of him is more carnage and heartache for his current victim and that is all that she is. Now you have time to focus on you. I know that 2 months no contact is still early days but well done you for doing this and sticking to it. They create carnage … and yes…. they always tell their new victim about their ‘psycho ex’….. one day she will be that psycho ex too…

      1. Don’t feel bad! I’m still struggling moving on, and it’s been a year since the discovery of him cheating on me and no contact. He tried to salvage his relationship with the OW, but I think he quickly realized he couldn’t so 5 days after I busted him, he ended up moving in with someone else and two weeks later they were married! Me and the OW were like, “WTF? Who goes from “being in love” with two women (lie) one week, in a relationship with another 5 days later, then 12 days after that get married?” A sociopath does.

        I know it’s hard to wrap your head around and it’s even harder to tell yourself that you’re better off. I still have my days where I think it’s just not fair. Here I am alone and lonely, and he’s over there being loved, and is the apple of someone’s eye. I’m the good person, and he is evil, yet he’s the one that is being treated good by the people in his life and I feel like I’m just continually being shit on. It sux. Hang in there! Wish I could offer you more advice, but just know that you are not alone!

      2. Hi Lenore 🙂

        Great comment & I know how you feel also, it’s just unfair & I actually envy the Soc’s ability to move on without a care in the world to another host!
        I find myself moving forward now which is great 🙂
        I realised that he kept me mentally imbalanced even, with past issues (marriage break down) that I would normally have dealt with differently etc…he would keep the self doubt/issues alive & repeating/reflecting/asking questions & holding me back from moving on so, that I couldn’t see him clearly.
        He always made my dramas bigger even, when they weren’t his concern.
        He would act concerned & feed the drama more fuel.
        I would normally tackle things very differently.
        Humph! It’s all part of keeping us in a bad head space so, that we don’t grow whilst with them & therefore develop the addiction etc…very clever tactic & one I am still coming to terms with.

        Love & Light & continued growth too you 🙂

        PR xoxo

      3. Hi Positvagirl. Thanks so much for the reply – this site is absolutely amazing. To answer your question: yes, she is selling her current home so that she can buy a house with him. He has been already been living with her (within days of our break up, I’m guessing), but he’s always wanted to buy a house, and given that it’s so expensive to do this on your own in the city we live in, he needs to have someone else do it with him. Plus – thanks to this site, I’ve now come to realize that he cannot be on his own. So – in less than a year after our break up, he met her and has managed to get that relationship to a point where she was convinced that selling her house in order to buy one together with him was a good decision. She is obviously in bombardment. He is obviously just using her to achieve his own dream.

        I think you’re right about my higher self warning me. I have sometimes thought of that myself since the break up. Everything “seemed” so wonderful at the time, yet I always kept a bit of “distance” in our relationship, and I could never figure out why. He used to say it was bc I didn’t truly love him, and I would feel so guilty about that and thought there was something wrong with me. Now I realize that the only thing that was wrong with me was letting him be part of my life for as long as I did. Hindsight sucks.

    2. Hi Prophette 🙂

      Welcome to the site & I hope you find comfort & support here as I have for many months 🙂
      Firstly you are not alone & we will all help you as best we can.
      You must start to shift the focus from this experience to your self & your healing especially as you have already come so far 🙂
      Feeling isolation, depression & insecurity, sometimes fear is normal, really normal after the Soc experience.
      I think that the pointlessness of the relationship is what really leaves us all reeling, not to mention the full ramifications of dealing with people without empathy & conscience.
      It’s so hard to fathom at first because, you cannot believe such a person exists let alone shared your bed 😦
      Still they are master illusionists & con artists so, here we all are, still reeling but, surviving, sharing & supporting as only we can 🙂
      The great self awareness that comes with this experience is life altering & you will never be the same again. You can choose to live a bigger & better life or you can let it drown you.
      I can tell you are a survivor so, start to use your power for yourself. You have done nothing to deserve this & you will get over him eventually.
      The addiction they cause is because, they have literally stolen you from you so, work hard to get back the wonderful, independent, smart, beautiful woman you are.
      You are enough & always have been.
      The Soc is a self serving entity & you have been his host, he has another so, time for you to let go & live your best life 🙂
      You will & you owe it to yourself to rise up & show him just how good life is without him.
      Believe in yourself, tell yourself daily & before you go to bed, I am worthy, I am okay & I can do this…& bit by bit you will.
      It’s a slow process but, it does get better I promise 🙂
      You can do this 🙂 🙂

      Love & light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Hi Lenore & Phoenix Rising!

        Thank you, thank you, thank you! I don’t even know either one of you, but you have already helped me so much with your responses.

        Lenore – you ended your note with saying you wish you could have given me more advice…but just reading your message made me feel so much better. I loved your “WTF” comment about your ex. That’s exactly what I thought when I heard about the new girl…how can these guys fall in and out of love and swap women in a heartbeat?!! Thanks to this site, I realize now that nothing is truly “real” for them. And – in just a few sentences, you were able to totally describe how I am feeling! And you’re right, it does bloody suck. He totally gets to move on and live happily ever after with someone else like nothing ever happened between us, while I sit here by myself a whole year later, still trying to figure out how I ended up in this situation. I hope he chokes on a turkey bone.

        Phoenix Rising – you are right, I have come far…and I do need to shift the focus to myself and healing me. If you saw me a few months ago, you’d be shocked at the difference…while I’m not back to my “old self”, I am closer. It’s just so easy to fall back into that hole! My ex made me so dependant…all that bombardment went to my silly head – and after years of me being so independant doing everything on my own, I thought “what the hell, let him take care of me for a while”. I didn’t realize that this decision was going to blow up in my face later. Now when issues come up, I sometimes feel life is so daunting – and yet the Pre-Soc me used to deal with stuff like this every day! It takes so much work to try and feel better and sometimes I just get so exhausted. I miss the days where “being happy” just happened naturally…now I have to make a conscious effort and think “what can I try to do today to bring some happiness into my life?”. Ugh. But – your words inspired me…this experience was life altering, and I don’t want to drown anymore. I let myself drown for too long already.

      2. Hi Prophette 🙂

        It is exhausting trying to find ‘happy’ again but, don’t stress just allow it to occur naturally 🙂
        You have nothing to prove so, if you feel like smiling smile if you don’t that’s okay 😉
        We have all had the WTF moment so, you know your not alone here 🙂
        We all get it or got it unfortunately 😦 but, we are also getting over it in varying degrees 🙂
        The Soc experience is like the Elephant in the room sometimes & hard to push away.
        It is hard to explain & exhausting & eventually you have to let it go because, it becomes tiresome even to you. It is a defining moment but does not define us as we are 3 dimensional whereas our Socs are probably 2ish??? I think some are 1 or 0.
        What I mean is, we are mind/body/soul, they are mind/body & some are just body & pretty much empty vessels.
        I often think of driving when being with my Soc, like on auto-pilot, not really thinking in the moment because he was all consuming.
        I now know I am the driver of my mind so, when I find it drifting off the road I make myself come back to the road & the destination is me, I am home 🙂
        You must look for happy in other things, the little things as none of us are happy 24/7 so, just take the time to be happy in those moments when it’s real happy & think how it feels in those moments. Embrace those happy moments so, that they come naturally when in self doubt etc…remember happy but, don’t pin it on another person or thing. When I feel happy I look at the emotion not the reason & that brings the true happiness back to me….the feeling of happy is still in you, doesn’t need to be forced just let it flow naturally 🙂
        You are worthy of happiness & joy & the Soc has no control over you or your future happiness.
        It gives them sick pleasure to think they have ruined you so, don’t give them any pleasure as they don’t deserve your time or thoughts.
        It’s hard, I know & I struggle to practice what I preach but, I am now doing rather than saying & putting emotion back in my actions 🙂

        For you 🙂

        Love & light 🙂

        PR xoxo

      3. Hi PR!

        Thank you again – for the kind words as well as the video. Those lyrics were amazing…it kinda freaked me out!  I’m so glad that I found you guys.  I had such an amazing support network when this relationship first blew apart, but everyone was just as confused as I was over what he was saying and doing. He went from being this totally devoted and supportive guy who wanted to get married and buy a home with me, to an absolute passive aggressive freak who overnight had a new girlfriend and wants to get married and buy a house with HER….thats when we started calling him “the soc”, but had no idea at that point it was true. So – while my gang was awesome, I could tell they were struggling with how to help bc I was having a harder time “coping” than the average person. That depression stage was horrible – I wasn’t sure I was going to ever come out of it.  I didn’t find you guys until I cut him off and somehow ended up in the “spath investigation” stage.  Better late than never right?  So, while my friends didn’t really “get it” – everyone here totally does.  Now I’m getting support that feels so relevant bc you’ve gone through it too.  

        I don’t know how you stay so positive! You’ve helped so many people on this site.  I hope helping us gives you some strength too. You’re so right about the Elephant. That thing is in every room and follows me everywhere!  I want to tell you something. Six months after the break up, a friend invited me to come see him for a few days bc I was so depressed and wasn’t ever leaving the house. I managed to book myself a flight and went out there hoping it would make me feel better. I really did try and have fun while I was there – but it took so much effort and was exhausting. When I got on the plane to come home – I just couldn’t stop crying the whole way…and it was bc I realized that the Elephant had a passport too.  I had tried to run away and force some fun – but just made myself more miserable.  I wanted to share this story with you bc I think you were so right to say to not force things, and instead allow them to come naturally.  When I do that, I often find myself surprised that I’m smiling and having fun.  But sadly, that Elephant is never far away.  Why is this still taking so long?  It will be one year since the break up!  A year of struggling, anger, depression, tears, disbelief, loneliness and everything else negative you can think of.  I have completely changed as a person…and I so desperately want my old happy, positive self back, but it’s just not happening.  I admit that I was so shocked and stunned for the first many months and I was numb and couldn’t think of anything but how sad I was – but now for the longest I’ve been saying “Enough!  No more being sad and miserable!”…just like you said about “drifting off the road and making yourself come back”.  But that freakin’ Elephant still lingers around me even though he’s not bloody wanted. Here’s my issue – I spent 3 years in a relationship that I thought was healthy and forever. I then spent one year trying to figure out what happened and realized I almost married a soc. The soc has moved on and found a new target and now leaves me alone. I only want to get better and move past this too.  So, why am I still broken?

      4. Hi Prophette,

        I am sad to hear your so unhappy still but, it does get better that I promise 🙂
        It just takes time to heal, it took time to be ‘in’ the relationship & it takes time to be ‘out’,of the relationship.
        You are still grieving & processing. Finding the answers here does help but, also reinforces all the negativity as you read & tell your story & others.
        You are not alone in this but, you must work on the healing of the wound, not reopening & revisiting it all the time. That bloody Elephant is a nuisance that’s for sure but, they are scared of mice 🙂
        This is a great site but, in order to heal then, you must also try other resources.
        I have been to two Psychologist’s & have been doing a lot of self help & research.
        You will have to find something that suits you & remember there is no magic cure & the grief can linger for years, unfortunately until something or someone fills that space & you let go the past.
        I know how hard this is as your dreams have been shattered & what was real for you was not for him & facing that is horrific 😦
        The Soc experience is made harder because it was pointless & time wasting for their benefit only so, leaves you very scared.
        If only we could walk away like they do without a care 😦
        Still we are survivors of this cruelty & maliciousness so, that we look at ourselves more closely than ever before as to how we got here. I for one have grown from this experience as hellish as it was & I am now changing to a higher awareness. I’ve looked at my past experiences & have learnt that I accepted the unacceptable for most of my life.
        This will no longer be the case for me but, I am older so, it’s been a long time coming.
        You fortunately are young enough to learn from this & grow from it & only accept the best, nothing less in the future.
        My Soc story is under MY STORY section in older comments June 14th if you want to know how I came to be here?
        You will be okay & time does make a big difference, I know the healing doesn’t come quickly & you have to work hard at it but, it’s worth it because it will lead you to a greater discovery of your inner power & the deserved rewards that you are worthy of 🙂
        Keep going forward & if all else fails eat chocolate (lol)…love yourself, your beautiful 🙂

        PR xoxo

      5. Thanks PR. I just get so discouraged sometimes. I have never been through this before, so I have to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t a “normal” relationship, so it I can’t handle the break up in the “normal” way I’m used to. I found your story and am very sorry you went through what you did. Given how long you were in that relationship – it’s remarkable how far you have come! You help people every day…that is amazing. It is inspiring to people like me who are still trying to understand what happened. Thank you so much.

        Yesterday I had a pretty good day – kept myself busy and focused at work, popped out at lunch and bought myself something new to wear (this is a big deal for me bc I haven’t had any desire to shop since the break up), went back to the office and finished up the day feeling good. Then I got home, checked the mail – and boom, there’s mail for the soc in the box. I have been dealing with this for 12 months now. I asked him a thousand times after the break up to change his address. My soc was super organized and meticulous – but he just wouldn’t change his address for the longest time. When I was in depression mode, it would destroy me seeing his mail every time I went to the box. It was like a slap in the face and a big reminder that he was no longer living with me. Back when I was talking to him, I told him this and begged and begged him to change the address. He would offer to drop by to pick it all up, and I always refused. The thought of seeing him would make me ill. I would instead offer to mail it to him, but it pissed him off that I didn’t want to see him and he would ignore me. This happened multiple times. He even filed his taxes and used my address, so his return was mailed here back in April, when he hadn’t been living here for 6 months – and was already with the other girl. After much pestering, I started getting less and less of his mail – but his credit card bills keep coming here. Before I went into no contact mode 2 months ago, I had sent another reminder asking that he take care of this issue. I thought he finally would – but that’s obviously not the case. He’s definitely keeping on top of his bills – just pays them online, so it’s not like he’s avoiding them or anything. Gawd – even as I’m typing this, this story sounds totally stupid. But here’s my issue…I OWN my house. I have been paying my mortgage for over 10 years and I don’t want him using MY address for anything. I have tried returning to sender, but bc they don’t have an alternate address, it all still keeps coming back here. The credit card companies won’t listen to me bc it’s not my account. What should I do? I know the issue sounds so trivial – but it bothers me, PR. It’s not fair for me to get derailed like this when i do something innocent like check the mail – especially while I’m trying to get past this relationship. I don’t want to break the NC, bc I’ve been doing so well with it – but it’s my house and yet I feel so powerless.

      6. Open the mail when it comes, I know thats a dirty thing to do, but its not like you’re doing it to snoop or use the info. In every piece of important mail there is a place to “Change Your address” Fill that out with his new address and mail it in… it will never come to your house again… it will give you your power back, and you’ll out slick the jackass thats keeping himself tied to you by doing this childish bullshit with his mail… there ya go… 🙂 If you dont know the new address, you might have to drive by and get the house number, or Google his new victim…

      7. @Christian

        That’s a great idea Christian!! 🙂 I would do that ! 😉 It is the way to actively solve things instead of being passive and endure the sociopath’s $hi!! I read recently somewhere about sociopaths that it is more correct to use the word ‘target’ of the sociopath instead of ‘victim’ of the sociopath because ‘victim’ sounds passive and definite.

      8. Good for you! taking away any tools they have of keeping you on a leash, even if its just a mental leash? Is the best way to deal with them. When they’re not looking, dont expect it, and are busy bullshitting someone else.. Which is, well, constantly… Go for it! 🙂

      9. Hi Christian and Caerra,

        Thanks for the advice. This is exactly what my family told me to do – but they don’t fully understand that he’s a soc…I’ve kept them it he dark about my findings bc they’re already worry enough about how I’ve handled the break up (depression, weight loss, etc.). Anyway – I thought it would be a better idea to get the advice from people here, who do get it.

        I have no clue as to his new address – this house was just recently bought and it’s somewhere in a suburb that I’m not familiar with at all. And bc soc had no friends, there isnt anyone I can ask – plus, to be honest, I don’t even want to know where he is…it’s one less thing to creep into my head as I work thru this debacle. I do however have his parents address, and if I was going to redirect his mail, that’s the address I’d use. My fear in taking this approach is that he’s going to know i opened his mail and filled out the address changes myself. Is this going to piss him off to the point he’s going to try and reach out to me? I believe you when you say this is a childish game and he’s just trying to keep a tie to me – especially since he’s mister super-organized freak, so he knows exactly where his mail is going right now. It’s just that its been over 2 months of NC, and I’m afraid to rock the boat…

        I’m sorry if I come across as being difficult, I just want to get as much insight as I can from people who understand these types – so I can go into a decision with my eyes open knowing what I should expect.

      10. Maybe bring a piece of his mail to his parents house? Have one of them fill it out in front of you and leave… Or just do it, if he gets pissed? Oh well… Hes a grown man and should take care of his own business.. Hes being severely immature and keeping himself in your life and “mind” by doing so.. Im pretty sure there is a legal way around it if you dont want to personally do it… If it were me, and one was playing that game with me? Id do it, and get it over with. Tippy toeing is what they want and like for us to do… They get off on it. Stand for that shit no more.

      11. Hi Caerra 🙂

        Targets is much better than victim, thankyou & love & light & a great life to you 🙂
        PR xoxo

      12. Hi Prophette,
        Sorry for late response, I have been getting out & about & living without the Soc doom & gloom 🙂 🙂
        I am so sorry also that you are still stuck in the Soc’s power with his mail.
        I read all the advise & your comments etc…
        My advice is simple, throw the mail in the trash or burn it.
        If you don’t do this he is keeping you in his field of power so, you must disengage from him totally. I know that is easier said than done & I am not you & this is your journey/life.
        I must however implore you to stop buying into his games by, never contacting him or any one associated with him.
        You could seek legal advice if it really troubles you, did you have property together?
        I think he want you to see by his credit card bills that he is having a great time living so, turn it on him by throwing it in the rubbish & visualise in your head that it’s him your putting out 🙂
        Out in the rubbish, out with the trash, out with the stuff you no longer need or have a purpose for, out, out, out….then slowly & surely you will gain your power & strength back 🙂
        You don’t need to worry about his stuff, he isn’t worried about yours 😦
        The bills are a connection so, cut it off & out!

        Love & light & a better life is waiting for you 🙂
        PR xoxo

      13. Hi PR,

        So happy to hear you’re out & about and having a great time! Thanks for your feedback on my issue. To answer your question – we didn’t own property together – but he moved into my house that I own. I’ve had some time to think about it…and as much as I’d love to give him a big “fudge you” by arranging to redirect his mail myself, I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I’m encouraging a response from him. I don’t want to have anything to do with him, and in the past when I contacted him to work out logistics, he would just be a hurtful and difficult a*shole. He’s the one who wanted to move out, but when I’d try to get answers around the tactical things to make it happen, he’d be extremely passive aggressive and give me a hard time! I remember being so confused about this back then…but it was bc I didn’t realize he was a Soc..

        I was lucky enough to speak with someone yesterday who has a legal background…and he said not to open any of his mail – at the end of the day, it’s still a Federal offense…so if the Soc decided to give the credit card company a hard time for changing his addy without his consent, they could very well come after me bc this is where his mail comes. Not worth the risk. Instead I’m going to make sure I have a pen every time I go to the mailbox, and when the bill comes again, I’m going to write a big “RETURN TO SENDER – DOES NOT LIVE AT THIS ADDRESS” and leave it for the mailman. While the card company may continue sending it here anyway, they have to put a note in their system saying his mail was returned. And that’s the way I can protect myself.

        Unfortunately that still means I’m going to see this stuff coming to my house…but this is where I’m going to have to become a stronger person and not allow his pathetic and childish attempt at keeping this tie, annoy or derail me. I can do it…there WILL come a day where I will laugh at him and be completely indifferent to his pathetic ways….go me!

        Love & Light back to you, PR…I hope you’re still out partying 🙂

      14. Yay Prophette,

        You go girl, on-wards & upwards & never look back,unless of course it’s to see the admiring glances you’ll be getting with your renewed power 🙂
        I am doing great & so are YOU 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      15. Hi Prophette, and welcome. Three years is a long time with someone. In that time, your mind went through many planning processes about your future that you’ve been forced to scrap through no fault of your own. I believe it takes some time to “re-wire” our thinking to a new map.

        What makes it even harder is that, discovery that this level of deception exists in the world, and can come right into our house, messes with our belief and false sense of security that people are generally “good” at their core, and will do the right things if we do right by them. As it turns out, some people don’t have that internal code, and that is a lot to process and integrate into our thinking.

        Because of this new information, we are forced to look at ourselves, how we’ve been treated, how we treat others, and essentially design a new course. It isn’t for nothing (I know you know that), but it is a serious wake up call and not a gradual realization. What you’re doing now is the processing of the material. Where someone else gets hung up and needs more time to work through one piece, you may not, and vice verse.

        Either way, you are entirely capable of figuring it out, working through, and coming out stronger. I am sorry for all of us that we learned a lesson in this manner, but more sorry for us if we don’t grow as individuals out of it.

      16. Hi Jusagurl,

        Thanks for your post and the welcome – everyone here has been so great, and again I find myself wishing I had found you guys sooner! Your message made so much sense to me, and really hit home. This “re-wiring” business is exhausting. You’re right – my future plans totally got pulled out from under me…and it has been difficult to accept and understand this. He was able to quickly move on – and I get frustrated with myself bc I’m still struggling. But the reason this is happening is bc he’s not a good person, and I am. I have real feelings and emotions. You were right to say that I’m still processing – it just makes me sad to be in this stage a whole year later. I had dinner tonight with a very good friend who said “there will be the “before soc” Prophette and the “after soc” Prophette – and the two may be a bit different. You have helped me realize that I shouldn’t expect to be able to just jump right back to the person I was…bc what happened to me broke my heart, shattered my faith in humanity, affected me physically, and pretty much brought me to my knees. I hope I come out a better and stronger person. Every day is difficult, but I will continue trying because I really miss me. Thank you for your kind words.

  44. This is trule a miracle site. Wow. I’ve gone through an abosolutely HORRIBLE two years with someone and I’m at the Stage 6 mark and all I can say is WOW (again). Thank you for this site … there is healing in understanding. So much of this terrible situation comes from the fact that … as a normal nice “has everything” type person you are left ashamed and in disbeleif with the “how can this have happened to ME”? I am trying to save myself now .. my life, my child from this emotionally-void monster in our life right now. It is hard to tell people about it .. kinda one of those situations where you have to live it to actually believe it. This site is helping. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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