One thing that can confuse victims of sociopaths is their ability to ‘be kind’. Just as you have decided that you have had enough, that you want to leave, and to get out of this abusive, controlling relationship, the sociopath switches, and becomes ‘Mr kind’ ‘Mr caring’ and ‘Mr compassionate’ . This is often much to the annoyance of those who have been supporting you to leave. As now, you are at risk of being lured back in by the sociopath.
Any ordinary person, even an abused one, will get to the point where they have to leave for the sake of their own sanity. Nobody can endure being hurt over and over.
A sociopath will sense when he is losing control. He will sense when he is about to lose you, and therefore lose his source of supply. You are hurt, damaged, and you desperately want your inner hurt and pain to go away. But you stand firm, you try to retain No Contact, you try to be kind to yourself.
The sociopath will realise that berating you, is getting nowhere and that he is losing his grip of control over you. Perhaps you have decided to have nothing to do with him, that you are establishing no contact and bringing others into your life for support.
A sociopath is always able to read you, to assess you, to analyse you. And when he feels that he is losing grip of his latest victim, he can then be unbelievably kind. You will start to question your own judgement. You read the DSM list of criteria for sociopaths. Kindness is not listed, so you reason, perhaps you are wrong? Maybe he isn’t a sociopath after all?
What the sociopath is doing is returning back to stage two – Seducing/Gaming. If you recall I wrote earlier how there are three stages with a sociopath. And he can revert back to earlier stages, if he hasn’t yet finished with you, and you still have further use to him. The three stages are:
It is important to stick with what you feel. To write down what is happening to you. Listen to your inner self, and your gut feeling. You might feel that because the sociopath is being kind and that perhaps you have it wrong? That he isn’t a sociopath after all?
You are being lured back into the fairy tale of who you want him to be, that person who in your mind, you fell in love with, but who didn’t exist. He is now about to sell you the fairy tale for the second time.
So far, I have discussed how you are feeling, and how this makes you feel, and how this confuses you.
What you feel, is maybe he does love me? He seems to care about my welfare, and how I am feeling? Maybe your assessment of him is wrong, and he isn’t actually a sociopath? You start to breathe a sigh of relief. Now you can return to the illusion you had before. He is actually a normal person, not a sociopath.
For the sociopath, it is not about how you are feeling. He is not thinking about your needs, or your welfare, neither does he care how much you are hurting (although it might seem that way). To return to the motive for the sociopath (remember that the sociopath ALWAYS has a motive), what he is thinking is either:
- He is losing a source of supply he does not want to lose
- Or you have ended things on your terms, he does not like this loss of control, and wants to end things on his terms
If you were to return to the sociopath when he is being kind, if you were to listen to the sociopath and his glib, false empty promises, things will shortly return to the way that they were before.
Whilst his kindness might give you a temporary relief of pain and hurt that you are feeling. It will, once you are trusting him again, and allowing him control over you and your life, return to the abusive relationship that you were in before.
Nothing will ever change. The sociopath cannot change. His brain is wired differently. He cannot help but manipulate and deceive. Trust your judgement, and do not be temporarily blinded to acts of kindness, it is tempting to do so, as we do not want to realise that the person we were involved with was a different person to who we thought. We want our judgment about him to be wrong. We want it not to be true, but it is true. The sooner that you come to terms with this, the quicker you can heal.
Unfortunately, with a sociopath, it is the way that he is. Whilst things might be ok for a while, service would soon resume as normal. His need for control is overwhelming, acting kind, is manipulating you, and just another way for you to be controlled.
Remember that the sociopath is master of disguise, and will do and say anything to get what he wants. Being kind is another manipulation tool that is used when he either wishes to lure you in, in the beginning, or to lure you back when he feels that he is losing you.
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16 thoughts on “Sociopath and the confusion of kindness”
Yes!!! he always became so kind when he found himself in hot waters because he was being very rude, mean, critical, sarcastic, and the list goes on, so I started fighting back and beg him to move out of my place, and just do it in friendly terms please!!!He started acting sooo sweet, friendly, atentive, and even tried to be funny and cute….offered my 16 year old son to order some pizza or gave him money to spend on whatever, when he never ever cared for my kids…and yet, he made me doubt myself thinking I was to strong headed and taking stuff to seriously. What a roller coaster!! it was killing me inside…
Exactly, that ‘kindness’ is the thing that can be confusing. Because you tell yourself well ‘he isn’t THAT bad’ its a deliberate act designed to confuse you, so that he can continue to manipulate you. You would always find, that as soon as you let your guard down and started to trust again, the old behaviour would return. They play a lot of games, and repeat the same pattern over and over!!
Mine was exactly the same and disliked my kids also. I always questioned him about this as he would criticise the way I mothered them and told me I was too soft with them. After discovering hr was lying to me about being seperated feom his wife i ended things immediately.i disguarded him just over 5 months ago with no contact I’m I am only just starting to feel a bit of relief however I still look out for him outside my home and work because I feel he’s watching me. He was evil in his thoughts and even more so with his tongue.he has attempted to ruin things with my friends who are work colleagues and tried to email them his version of events. I absolutely hate him and think his wife is welcome to him. So sorry that so many people (men too) meet selfish evil nasty people like this who cause so much pain and destruction.
He probably saw your children as a threat to him being centre of attention, how sad is that?
I’m trying to get out now. I let him convince I was delusional and needed help so I’ve been on meds for 3 years. My dad died and I woke up. I quit taking my meds my psychiatrist didnt even realize that I was still with him. I’m so angry and confused right now. I used to take care of everything now he controls everything. And I’m trying to leave but I have no where to go. I filled out an apartment application. My two teenagers dont want to leave but since I woke up I dont see why they would want to stay
Hi Laura, they might want to stay, as likely he has played the good guy to them. Likely he has had a ‘quiet word’ with them, to say how ‘concerned’ he is for you, and your mental health. Likely he has played and manipulated them too. But you won’t be aware of all that has been said and done. As it is doesn’t come across as malicious, it comes across as ‘caring’ but really it is disrepecting you, ruining your reputation, and making you out to be the crazy one. Likely he mixed lies with the truth, that they would know, so that they believe him. Are your two teenagers shared with him? (is he the father, or not?) it sounds like a very difficult situation that you are in.
Oh by the way, Mr nice just lasted a week and then the cycle started all over again…it hurts so much right now…
Well this is exactly what I needed to read right now. I’ve started to second guess that he is in fact a sociopath. Even though he ticks the box for every red flag mentioned and then some, somehow I have managed to doubt the facts. Its very simple to focus on the good bits of the relationship. It just proves how serious these types affect our core and basic judgement and sanity.
Usually I don’t read article on blogs, but I wish to say that this write-up very forced me to try and do so! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thanks, very nice article.
Aw thank you!!!
Humm, my Socio is so sick he became an underground pimp. Hos everywhere thinking their the bottom.b..ch. Im the main. This is his reality not mind. Not only did he enter my life with lies he invited me in his with lies. This man drug me in my sleep, slowly poisoning me by cooking me these nice meals until i gotten sick before it could take full effect. I cant prove a thing. We had a roommate, he was starting confusion in the home, he would take the food he cooked running in the bedroom with pots and all frowning saying he dont trust them to keep the food he cooked in the kitchen. manipulating my mind and the scene before the kill. But weeks later i bacame ill vomiting green mucus ONLY. Then pancreatitis followed. Im skipping loads of details like we all know its always too much of nothings mixed with the juice dealing with socios. Anyway the night when the pancreatis hit, i moaned in agony asking him to take me to the hospital. He tells me nothing is wrong. I said im calling the ambulance then he want to take me. Omg the abuse! neglect unconcerned detachment hurtful words and cheating i can take and run away, but when its mixed and surrounded with crazy that has a radar on your weakness and strengths to be toyed with every second of the day, you just cant see your way out when the door is wide open.
will reblog this 🙂 thank you!
You are welcome, thank you for sharing 🙂
this article does not touch on the fact that some sociopaths are women………
Why is every example a He? There are some women out there who are sociopaths to the maximum degree…