It can be quite crushing, when the man that you are in love with turns out to be nothing but a compulsive pathological liar. When you realise that you have been used by someone that you gave everything to. This person is someone that you shared your life with, and no doubt your finances too. You had hopes and dreams, none of which came true.
It can feel shattering when you realise that this person has now moved on, and met someone new. You can feel, used, abused and just worthless. (you are not, I promise)
You will ask the following questions, and at worst, this will play on your mind, and you can spend hours, days, and sometimes weeks or months, torturing yourself with the following questions about his/her new partner and the life he is living without you:
- What does he/she have that I do not?
- Why is he/she treating her/him better than me?
- If he/she is now being this ‘perfect man/woman’ that he/she said would be with me, why now – why was I not good enough?
- Why can he/she do it for her/him and not for me?
- What is wrong with me?
- Why didn’t I deserve to be treated in that way?
These are common questions that are asked and felt by people who have been involved with a sociopath, once the sociopath has moved on to someone new. The thoughts in your mind, can feel soul destroying and the pain unbearable.
You hear that he/she is in ‘love’ and is like a different person. It is most likely that the sociopath will tell you how happy he/she now is and to ‘thank you’
Yes, that is right, they will thank you for
- All that you taught them
- All that you gave to them
They will tell you how happy they are now, and that they are sorry that they didn’t do this whilst they were with you. And that you do deserve to happy. This can feel like a kick in the teeth.
You look back at everything you went through with this person, and now they are telling you how they are NOW Mr/Mrs Perfect, Mr/Mrs reliable – he/she is now everything that they pretended they were in the beginning for you.
And that last sentence is the most important one. So important, that I will repeat it again.
He/she is now everything that they pretended they were in the beginning for you (yes I know that this hurts, but hear me out)
The word ‘pretend’ is of course an important one. I know that this hurts, but you are looking at the situation forgetting that your ex is a sociopath. He/she is a person who does not live by the norms of others. Remember in the beginning, how he/she also pretended to be perfection and how you were sucked in? Well the same thing is happening again. Only this time to someone else and not you, remember the drill
- Assessment
- Seducing
- Gaming
- Ruining
What is now happening, is that the sociopath has regained composure, put back on a new mask, and is now playing the game again. This time he/she is seducing someone else, just as he/she once seduced you.
This is cause to celebrate!!! What this means is that YOU ARE FREE!!!! Yes, that is right, you are FREE!! Of course he/she hasn’t changed. They can’t change remember? This is nothing to do with you. This is nothing to do with how inadequate YOU are. They WILL be the same with someone else. So celebrate your freedom.
Don’t delay what you CAN do today!! You are free!! So go celebrate that freedom…..
You have lost nothing. Because you know that after seduction comes gaming/ruining. Not just sometimes, but all the time, as this is the way that they are.
There is nothing for you to feel jealous of. Your ex hasn’t suddenly turned into an amazing person. Has not suddenly turned into a person who he/she always promised you would be. Yes, it is true that you were used, but this is not a reflection on you. This is a reflection on them.
Your ex hasn’t changed for someone else, because they can’t. it is who they are. They can’t change. They CAN put on another mask and pretend again for a while, but this is all, this is all that is happening. But, just as his/her history is chequered with carnage, the same thing will happen again.
Try to be grateful, that the abuse of you has stopped, that he/ she has a new source of supply to use, for as long as it lasts. Most likely he/she will be back in touch, so be grateful for this space, to concentrate on you. Because one thing is for sure, that the sociopath is one personality type who can never change.
Dating a Sociopath 
I wish he would find someone new – then he would leave me alone. I will not be jealous, but I will sleep better at night 🙂
I know….. when they get new source for supply, devalue and discard occurs….. but it does free you 🙂
Once the new source of supply is devalued and discarded, they try to contact their ex for extra supply until someone new comes around.
i agree with u there be strong.
He will eventually I’m sure. Stay no contact and although it takes a while he will get bored and move onto his next victim
My first three exes did this to me! Two of them contacted me to thank me for showing them the mistakes they’ve made so they could move on and be happy in their next relationship. I think all I taught them was how to be a better illusionist!
This used to bother me a lot. I would ask God, why is this my life? I started doubting that maybe I should have given them more time and another chance, but seriously I gave them all countless chances and nothing ever changed! My most recent ex got many, many more chances than I should have given him and it was all because he knew how my other exes made me feel and used it against me trying to make me think if I would just hold on longer then I could be the one to have this great relationship I had wanted all along.
I fully expect him to find someone new and use them to try to make me jealous or feel bad about myself, but it won’t work this time. My only mistake was ignoring my inner voice and making decisions against my own best judgement. I knew all along, in every one of these relationships that it was all a waste of time, but chose to live in denial and believe all the lies.
I have gained a lot of strength from reading your blog. A lot of things that never made sense to me now make sense and I can see it for what it was instead of what I wanted it to be. Very empowering! Thank you 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind comments!! Really means a lot to me, to know that what I write makes sense, and that it helps you to make sense of the nonsensical!! 🙂
It is gaslighting to use information that they know about your past to blame you for your own actions.
I understand that pain, i went through that and thought ‘what is wrong with me’ why me again.
It was just that I met another the same. They assess you, then use that information against you at a later date. This is what was happening to you.
With knowledge, now you can start to love YOU!!! and TRUST YOU!!
And that is the biggest gift of all, I ask now, WHY did it take me so many relationships for this to sink in? Why? …..
Well, now I am writing this, now I understand so many different types, I can write this…. and then I connect with you and other lovely readers, and maybe that is the point!!
Thank you for being part of my blog. Without you there would be no point me writing!!! 🙂
Wow..whoever wrote this comment, just spoke my exact situations, experience, revelations and such humility in truth and pain. Your testimony that came from your heart and experience seemed like myself writing about my recent 9 week rollercoster. Being the caring, forgiving person and enabler I am to others, I allowed the abuse and belittling thinking I could change Brad and trust God to reward the soul of this man. Instead, I tried to play GOD and suffer greatly in every aspect. I forgive this man and sadden of the abuse he suffered as a young child by his biological mother. He was adopted too late and the damage was done. At 51 years old, he is set in his ways of total deception and crafty. I have learned the hardest way, but no as others have. He used me in everyway possible snd never showed me love in return. Now forgiving myself, being in this spell of his, I am free and I will have a new maturity and outlook on how I trust and love. LOVE is a gift from God and expected to be in purity and wholeness. I will continue to love this person from far and always pray for a true miracle in his deliverence and soul. Thank you whoever, how you were do transparent that allowed me to do the same. God Bless You
it very amazing.i wish i find out this web site before i get hurts every thing that.i reads.that what happen to me if i know what i know now i didnt went throught the stress that monster created at least god still love me i still strong and didtn loose nithing beside fourty thousand the moneys that he stole from not important but the lies betrayal the abuse that hurt more than anything else i learn my lesson never fall for wacko again the judement day he will be burn in hell :)))
Aw tiffany that is such a lot of money to lose. I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. How long ago did you split up? You sound so hurt. It is so very wrong what they do to people. And the way that they obtain the money is so deceptive using ‘love’ to get what they want.
Where are you from? (country)
I wish I had found this website long time ago..then I would be sure who I was with and that I was not going insane and losing my self love..and all that happen..but thank god I found it! Its sad how many of this losers are out there and they all act so amazing and nice at first and so kind , sweet, etc Lies lies and more lies. I knew too I was somehow being lied to. Some how we are part of this too . … dependency? I wanted to be loved yes, I guess it all comes down to ..we need to love ourselves…. But you pint point perfectly ..That one Sam ” v “guy who wrote about this neurotics..well he is one too so its hard to follow . heehehehe Thank you so much! You dont know your words are like balm.
Thanks dumbme!! 🙂 in a world when you know that nobody can understand what it is like unless you have been there. Reading here, you can see its not just you, there are lots of us. Have all been through the same thing. Worse is that they repeat the same thing over and over…. its just the way that their brain works 😦
it is..is sad that there is a ton of women and men..most men don’t complain because many of this girls are so into sex, is the way they control you, so they feel happy I guess, To me sex is not enough , I need more, I need space, respect! Honesty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did not need somebody obsessed with me, or to be their love life nor crazy fro me..but real love, and to be able to have my girl friends..who are not lovers! And to be able to do my other things, I am not even a party person, I am faithful! But the fits spoiled girl fits, the lies the lies , I could not prove they are lies but somehow you knew you could not trust! I slept badly, I had nightmares, and anxiety attacks , tons! I felt into depression, I am not into that, I sleep all night now. =) I used to be paranoid she would break into my Gmail, she broke into my MSN . I think she try to , so I did a 2 step verification and let her know! She was offended ! Oh poor her. But yes I feel each day better that I can talk here.. I have so much shame, I feel ashamed to tell others, and a have a friend that i love she is supporting me, but I don’t want to burn her..she keeps saying why do you care what she feels? why do you care if she loves another and found love? ..why do I care? ego? or I don’t know..I swear I don’t feel jealous ..this last time I left her I was actually tired of her…bored, it was just sex, and I did not even feel like, she bored me, she does not read books. I guess I feel is angry at me it was a waste of my time and life for 3 years and shame I wanted to believe it was lies! and yes I think at some point I fell for her..then that love started to go as the abuse came in the sarcasm was terrible to me. sorry for writing so much . I been hiding this for so long I feel like a person that was in a silent jail!
thank you so much..one day at the time =D I was so abused I feel afraid to bother anyone .Thank you!!!
As a guy who was used by a sociopath I can say I completely feel for all of you.. I’m in Australia and mine came from the states.. Lured me in on a spiritual forum and pretended, and still feigns to be one on the path of light.. She has a husband and a child and cares not for any of them.. Her whole family has turned against her due to what she did to her child husband and me..
Her mother told me not to feel bad, that she falls for her lies even to this day.
I’m still reeling from the heartbreak, and have lost all sense of confidence.. Probably doesn’t help that I’m borderline the polar opposite of a sociopath, too many feelings with no control. But this girl seemed to level me out, and for the first time in my life I felt settled. She claimed we were twin flames, and it sure felt that way.
Wow what a shock I got when this all turned out to be one massive lie. I’m completely terrified of meeting anyone now. Have crushed self confidence and feel like the ugliest bastard on the planet.. I apologise for the pity party, but this felt like a good place to share…
Hi confused. thank you for sharing your story. You are not the only guy to post here (I know one is on holiday at the moment) who usually posts. I am sorry that you have been through this too. They are so manipulative, and compulsive pathological liars, they like to use the soulmate or fate card to lure you in. Offering you what you want (and borderline wouldnt want to lose someone) its cruel, but what they do 😦 Nice to meet you anyway, her reactions and behaviour are hers, it is no reflection on you!! I know that is difficult, when someone has effectively played with you, your life, and your emotions. Esp playing with your emotions if you are suffer BPD and bipolar. It is cruel. Seems like her mother knows her well 😦
Oh so so true they have no problem making themselves appear to be the perfect match for their target. I just wanted to off myself for quite a while after her, but somehow I managed to survive, as I do lol… The lies huh they just keep churning out much like butter, except the butter is actually good lol..
Yeah she made me feel like she was the solution to my loneliness, like the absolute perfect panacea..At the end of the day though that’s what probably made me easy pickings. Thankyou for taking the time to reply much appreciated and I know that she is no measure of me, as much as no sociopath is a measure of anyone they decide to pray on.
Nice to meet you too 🙂
So…. the lesson is what confused??? ….
1. Nobody else can make you happy but YOU
2. The secret of true happiness comes from WITHIN
3. You sometimes need to meet a compulsive liar – to START TRUSTING YOURSELF!!!!
🙂
You are totally right… I am on the path but I need to somehow forget this extreme need not to be alone… Gah.. I’ll get there though eventually 🙂 Thankyou for the positive comments, always motivating.. I’ve lurked in forums and blogs for years, but never share my story.. It feels good to let it out..
I posted your story on the share your story section. I think GL replied to you!
Struggling with being alone and fear of abandonment is part of BPD. No doubt the sociopath preyed on you because of that. Sociopaths are like secret spies, they find out as much as they can, as fast as they can…. to later manipulate you with 😦
Gosh so true in relation to my story.. She was so probing when I look back in retrospect, she knew all my weaknesses before I could blink… Of the course the obligatory sociopathic lie of love came with 3 days… I thought love at 1st chat could be the real deal, I just wanted it so badly. Yah you are right she certainly knew how to take advantage of me that’s for sure 😦 The best I can do is learn and strengthen my defences I guess, and as you said earlier love thyself a bit more… Thankyou so much for taking the time to talk to me about this it’s helping so much to have someone to chat to who understands exactly what has happened..
You are welcome. What you also need to remember is that they exploit your weaknesses to manipulate and control you.
So look – what are your weaknesses? And how can you work on those weaknesses?How can you raise your self esteem, and know that you are truly worth more!! _ because you are!!
Certainly my various addiction, and my severe need to be with someone… Both a matter of focus and work to improve on.. I’ll get so far then the depression hits, then I end up back at square one… Need to learn not to be so hard on myself 🙂
But I never have believed I’m good enough for anyone decent… But thanku for making me feel a bit more positive 🙂
Well if you don’t believe that you are good enough for anyone ‘decent’ then you need to pour that love into you, and not someone else.then you WILL think that you deserve someone decent…. its a win win situation. You know that saying, you meet someone when you really DONT need or want to meet someone, your life is perfect just the way it is?That is true I believe…..
Gosh that decent comment I made sounded horrible sorry I just meant anyone who isn’t a sociopath lol Yes loving thyself is a cornerstone I just need to find a way to actually do that… Haha that saying is so so true.. When I have had moments where I didn’t care people have appeared.. I agree that saying is dead right…
Thank you for your blog. It is comforting to read others going through the same things. I had been with my ex off and on for almost 20 years. We started out in high school, had two children together at a young age. Were married and divorced and I still let him back into my life off and on.This last time, which just ended recently, I found out he had been cheating on me with his ex-fiance and they were married about 2 months after me and my children had moved out. For the first time in almost 20 years I saw a very different side of him. A truly evil lashing out because I think for the first time we were done. He had gotten everything from me that he could, knew there was no turning back and his true colors really came through. Although, looking back, they were always there, I just didn’t want to see it. He is pretty much a textbook sociopath. And he does act like a completely different person with his new wife. He acts like the perfect husband, father to his younger child and her child. Ways that he never acted with me or with our children. But I am definitely happier with myself being away from him. He has used me for so many things for so many years. And he uses his children for things as well when it suits him. Most times I think he does things just for the “good image” it gives him. Most people view him very differently than the person we saw behind closed doors and have no idea the things that he has done. It is hard to trust after a relationship like that. Hard to not feel bad about yourself or wonder what was wrong that he couldn’t act the way he does in his new life with you. It’s amazing how he can act like he changed into a different person overnight. He moved right in with his ex and days after we were over was expressing his love to her for the whole world to see, saying how she was the perfect partner for him. He has told her that he was only with me for his kids, even though he does not have much of a relationship with them. Of course the whole time he also told me very different stories about what his relationship had been with her before and denied the cheating until the very last moments. At the last moments he was just cruel, telling me he never loved me, he always loved her. It is a struggle to get past something like this and to rebuild my self esteem and trust in myself let alone other people. We have very limited contact but we do have children together so there will always be some even though he has chosen to not even help support his children with this latest split. But the struggles I go through now are better than the internal and outward struggles I went through in trying to be in a relationship with him. They are so good at pretending that it is sometimes hard to see past that. But in the end, nothing is real with people like this.
This is bang on. My ex very quickly will latch on to the next helpful woman he can find, he will make grand gestures of commitment, go on trips, do things he hadn’t done for me in years. But it is all of the same things he did in the beginning of our relationship, those things got me hooked. I did cry and wonder why he can do all these great things for this new girl and he hadn’t done anything nice for me in years. I felt worthless and like giving up.
HOWEVER, I remember very clearly him telling his “horrible” ex that he was happy with me and thinking of having a new family with me.This was only a couple of months into our relationship. In time I realized just how horrible he had been to her all along. How hurtful that must have been for her to hear how great and amazing I am, and how naive I was to believe what he said about her. By that point she really was acting quite crazy, yelling at him and threatening him, but now I realize all too well that a sociopath can drive you to these points in your life where you are just so desperate to get control back over your life you will say and do nearly anything. All while still being quit addicted to him.
This is so true Blue, how are you doing now?
I wish I could say I was free and clear of him but this is not the case. I am always tired. My Dr says the stress has been too much on me. It has been 10 years, but the “good part” of the relationship ended after the first 6 months.
Full non contact would be great. However, he moved into my neighbourhood last December despite the fact we live in a very big city, he charms and associates with people in the same social circles (people he told me he despised), and he tries to find out information about me any way he possibly can. He tries to make contact and has bounced between verbal attacks and trying to be super nice and flattering towards me. He has blamed and shamed me numerous times, he even told people I was a threat to his children. He doesn’t do anything illegal in any way, so there is no recourse, and most people I know frankly just don’t get it.
I can predict his behavior and deflect his attempts with much more ease now that I ever did, I’ve read and researched and taught myself nearly everything there is to know about psychopathology. But, I still need to be constantly on guard and thinking in this completely counter-intuitive way. Don’t react, don’t show emotion, don’t show hate, anger, contempt, pity, understanding or compassion, absolutely do not show that you are hurt or wounded, do not tell anyone anything personal about your life, do not say anything bad about him at all, ever, do not argue with him or contradict him in any way, not even to a third party. This strategy actually does work, but, It is exhausting and some days feels completely futile as I wait and wait for him to just …move…on. To be honest, I have lost faith that he will ever be out of my life. Meanwhile I do my best to ensure that he never gets what he wants from me.
It does wear you down. Drag you down. Beat you down. Grind you down. Until there is nothing of you left, and you feel drained and exhausted.
p.s., that “new girl” situation was about 2 years ago and lasted about 3 months, he was back to focusing on me again in no time. In retrospect I really wish that she had kept him.
im ging through it now, I dnt know where to begin, but I feel like im not worth anything.. my ex is a narcissistic sociopath and I gave him 3 yrs of my life, was a cheater, used every cent I had, my car my house etc.. promised me the world, and a day later left me for a better supply, I truly loved him, everything he once said to me is now telling her and they are just so happy and im here trying to move on. so hard..
The one thing though Lyn, if I can write about this experience – you need to remember that it isn’t you. It is typical sociopathic behaviour. He is just trying to make you feel bad. Remember that she doesn’t have anything that you don’t for how he treated you – he WILL treat her also! You are the winner here, as you are free….
Positivegirl,
It has been 3 weeks now and NO Contact!! I assume he has another victim because he hasn’t even tried to contact me. It’s a shame because I married this jerk in February. We have a Domestic Violence case pending. This will be his 3rd strike which will make him a felon and he will go to the penitentiary. At least for 5 years he won’t hurt any other woman….
I know how hard it is Lyn. My sociopath ex moved in a day later with another ex of his, told her he had only been with me for our kids and married her 2 months later. Days after we moved out telling her she was his perfect partner even tho the day before we moved he said he still wanted us to try and work things out. Meanwhile i have listened and believed him for years telling me i was the one. Found out he had been talking marriage with the ex for months while he was basically living off me. It is hard to see or hear at first but just remember all the lies he told you. He is also lying and using the new woman as well and you deserve better than that. They may act happy now but it wont last and its not real. I think we love who we thought they were and what we thought our relationships were. Unfortunately they weren’t real either. When we realize how much they lie, cheat and use people, there doesn’t seem to be much more to love. It will get better. Try to focus on you, ignore him and his new life as much as you can. Remind yourself it is fake anyways so why put yourself through that. Took me way too long to learn that and i sometimes still fight the urge. Do things that make you feel good, rebuild your self esteem, make it all about you for a change. 🙂
This is true. It is why the ending is really like a bereavement. You grieve the person that you thought they were.
Its really hard to move on, to cope with all this, Its been 3 months and I feel like its been years, I try to stay busy, but It doesn’t work, I find myself thinking of him non stop, just thinking of the way he left me for another woman without a word without warning.. I try to focus on all the bad stuff he did, he was a cheater had many woman it was very stressful to be in that relationship I never understood how he could always just think of himself always using me and pretended to be there in whatever I needed, those 3 years of my life were a lie, and even though I believed in every word he once told me, I truly believed he was being sincere, but in the back of my head there was always this big question mark that made me doubt his words, he was sooo nice to me he knew exactly what to say, he knew exactly how to make me go crazy in love with him, he was just that good! I never expected him to walk out, and now hes living with her… telling her everything he once told me making her feel like shes the only girl in the world, im so hurt, he picked a fight to end our relationship, that night I found a text on his phone and I asked him about it, it was a “good night beautiful” text that he sent to her, and obviously I was not ok with that, he wouldn’t tell me about the text so I called her myself and she said they were just friends etc, that night she called him and he said he couldn’t do this with me anymore that I couldn’t trust him I had trust issues, (let me remind u he was always cheating on me with multiple woman) and found so many reasons why it would never work, this girl was supposedly a friend of his that happens to be in the same bowling league with him, later I saw the monthly bill statement… well they were texting every night every morning every day, what a fool I was… I know I should be happy its over but we had so many plans, we were going to get married have kids have a beautiful life together, why do I feel like ? ive never down degraded myself for anyone I was never this person I am now, no one had ever hurt me the way he did, I would never let anyone disrespect me and I don’t know how I ended up in this mess, im glad we never had children, I am 29 hes 41 im still young I know I now have my freedom back, but I cant stop loving him, I wish I hated him. All I hear is how happy he is and how good this other girl is to him, I don’t understand how he could just move in with her after our breakup, how could he just move on from us, from what we had, it wasn’t easy but we always got through it, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost.
Hey Lyn, what you need to do is to cut ALL contact with him. As hard as this is for you. Block his social networking sites (read healing and recovery drop down boxes) about No contact. What to do if you are having a hard time of it.
When you do this, you will after the iniitial pain …. start to focus on YOU – you will have to, it is all that you have.
Focusing on him and how ‘happy’ he is…. realistically she is just his next victim. All that he did to her, he will do to her also. She is not better than you/ This is NOT your fault. He hasn’t suddenly changed into the perfect man he promised you he was….. he is just mirroring her – pretending to be the perfect man just like he did with you. You…. you are FREE….
No contact means not looking at anything to do with him, even cutting people out of your life who are associated with him. this will give you space for you…. I promise it will get better. Stop tormenting yourself – let it go!!!
I know that this forum is old but I swear that your story sounds just like mines right now. I am so interested in knowing what followed these posts. Did you remain in NC. And how did that sham of a marriage of his work out?
Hi i have computer problems i got a new charger but my laptop screen is smashed so struggling to write a post. Yes i have stayed no contact. I spent a year in therapy. Undoing the damage. Started to see old friends. Tomorrow i have a job interview and thursday i am going to view a new house. I do plan to write again, i just need to sort out my computer problems.
HELP, I am devastated, I think I was with a sociopath, I keep reading books, articles and he has many many of the same red flags. I can barely function and he has out w/ another girl and I’m dying inside. I question everything, I was madly in love with him, he told me I was his world. it’s only been a few weeks and he’s out showing some other girl off and I’m a mess. if someone could talk to me about what I’m going thru. I would appreciate it. I feel like I will never love again. I can’t even think about dating, but I don’t want to be alone for ever either. HELP PLEASE HELP ME
Hi fitgirl, welcome to the site. How you are feeling right now. Is normal. Remember though that what he has done to you, he will do to the next person. She doesn’t have anything that you do not. Try to focus on you. I know that this is difficult. Read the articles in the healing and recovery section (in the top drop down box). Also…. I know you say that you don’t want to be alone for ever (and that is very unlikely) whilst you feel like this, it is advisable to not date at all… as you would be at risk of dating another. Try to take one day at a time. Establish no contact and stick to it, the longer that you do, the quicker you will heal!
Fitgirl, positivagirl is right. The distance of not talking to him will be hard at first, but the division is a good thing. The longer he is out of sight, the more he will become out of mind. I believe, the more they come around, the more they keep open or reopen wounds. I feel stronger with the distance and grow stronger with his absence and hope you will soon too. Believe positiva too in that, his behavior has nothing to do with you or your value… he is in deficit in caring for and knowing how to treat people. You are valuable and will find someone else who actually deserves your love.
So many red flags but how can I be sure …. I doubt everything about the relationship now. He cheated..I left him ..he cried said it would never happen again.. within 2 months I caught him texting another girl. I asked to see the messages he refused. I left him. He never looked back. Said he needed to be with someone who trusted him. I can’t sleep.. can’t eat..maybe I didn’t have a right to question him. How could he just let me walk away. He warned me..I left anyway. Now he has moved on and is happy and I’m devastated. He has all the qualities of a sociopath. But was he really or did I just lose the love of my life. He has a history of cheating. But said he changed for me.
I’m so sorry Bridgette. I can feel the pain in your reply and I have been there myself. I found out my ex was cheating on me with and his ex-fiance last June. I was married to him before. We have been divorced but off and on for about 8 years and I saw way more warning signs than I ever needed but kept taking him back. When I found out he cheated, I moved out with our 2 kids. He cried and pleaded. Kept blaming it on his drug problem and anything else he could. Blamed it on his ex and said that he thought he could just be friends with her, that she had reached out to ask him work-related questions. They had previously worked together in the night club industry and were, at the time, small business owners. He told me he couldn’t live without me, that he couldn’t believe he threw our relationship away for something meaningless, that it was a mistake. I took him back, he even entered rehab (although I really don’t think he continued going even though he told me he was). I then found out that he had continued cheating on me with his ex, had even been talking marriage with her, the whole time he was back. When I found out again, he denied it up until the day before I moved out because I finally just contacted her and asked. He became aware of that and completely flipped out. I left…again, and he moved right in with her and married her two months later. And yes, at the start, they acted like their relationship was pure bliss. And he did tell me that I didn’t trust him (why would I since he cheated?) and that there was just too much in our past to get through, etc. And I questioned myself constantly and whether it was right. I had felt for about 20 years that he was my “soul mate”. But the truth of it was, he had been lying to me throughout much of our relationship. So put in those terms, of course we are doing the right thing. We don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats. And no matter how much we think we may have loved, or still do love them, we never really knew who they were. And as much as he may act happy now, he really isn’t and even if the other woman is right now, it won’t last. People like that don’t change. He will cheat again, he will continue to lie. My ex’s new wife told me repeatedly that they had a different relationship, he was honest with her and told her everything. He had been telling her that he was only with me because of our children and supposedly they had planned to marry the whole time. But if she was smart enough to take a step back and look at the situation, she would realize he had been lying to her the whole time as well. Because he obviously wasn’t telling me he was only with me for our children. And just as he now tells her that she is his soul mate, perfect partner, etc., he once told me all of those things too. I know that it is so hard to get over. But this is what they do, They like to make you feel like it’s all your fault. And it’s not. You had every right not to trust someone that was not honest with you, to question things that came up. And regardless of how much you are hurting, you need to believe in your gut feeling and know that you deserve someone who treats you better than that. Don’t pay any attention to how happy he wants to make out like he is now. In doing so, he still wins. He wants you to see that stuff. I know mine sure did. He even sent me a text asking me if it felt good to hear how happy he was with her, how he had been telling her he was only with me for the kids, and that he really wanted to be with her, to spend his life with her, and all the mean things he said about me to her. That gave him so much satisfaction. But you know what, I remember what it was like living with him. All of the anxiety, the lack of trust, the stress it put on me. And she didn’t win a damn thing! Be happy that you do not have to live in that type of situation any more. Celebrate your freedom and being able to do things that make you feel good. I know it is hard but DO NOT check up on what he is doing. It took me awhile to learn that but once I did, I felt so much better. Just focus on people and things that make you feel good. Or spend some quiet reflective time and really be honest and raw about what you went through, and if at the end of the day, regardless of what you thought about him at one time, you really want to be with someone who could do that to you or anyone else. Hang in there. The first part is the toughest to get through. But the rewards are great.
Q: “So many red flags but how can I be sure …”
A: You can be sure when, after repeated similar acts, he has succeeded in devasting you emotionally, financially, and possibly physically. The final evidence will be when he moves onto the next victim and you are shell-shocked in disbelief, after having ignored so many red flags, and find your recovery difficult to impossible.
________________________
APPENDIX / TRANSLATIONS:
ACTION: He cheated..
TRANSLATION: He is not trustworthy
REACTION: You called him on it
ACTION: I caught him texting another girl. I asked to see the messages he refused.
TRANSLATION: He is not trustworthy
REACTION: You called him on it
ACTION: He never looked back.
TRANSLATION: He knew he did the wrong thing, but still bears no shame for his actions
ACTION: Said he needed to be with someone who trusted him.
TRANSLATION: He needs someone who will let him do whatever atrocities he decides in his selfishness; on the occasions where you do find him out, he requires that you have a short memory or ability to forgive immediately to enable more selfish atrocities
ACTION: Now he has moved on and is happy and I’m devastated.
TRANSLATION: He knew he did the wrong thing, but still bears no shame for his actions; he seeks someone who will let him do whatever atrocities he decides in his selfishness
ACTION: He has a history of cheating.
TRANSLATION: He knows when he does the wrong things, but is incapable of changing his behaviors because… he bears no shame for his actions; he seeks someone who will let him do whatever atrocities he decides in his selfishness
REACTION: ???????
(Don’t stop now; you’re on a roll.)
Lyn, positivagirl is right. Cut of ALL contact. Trust me, I know how hard this is. I spent months myself checking facebook and twitter and seeing all the things he posted about his ex that he got back together with. The day he moved out, he moved in with her. He married her 2 months later and it was so hard to see all the nice things he said about her. I too found a message between the two of them. He denied it completely. He said she was crazy and still hung up on him. The day before he moved in with her he still was telling me she was crazy and that he wanted to make it work. The next day, it went from that to how much he was going to ruin my life, how he loved her and was only with me for our children (we have 2 together) and I found out he had been talking marriage with her for months. He said horrible things to me like he woke up next to a beautiful woman that he loved and a blow job every morning and that I was nothing. It is a horrible experience to go through. What you need to do though is remember how you felt during that time, remember how you felt BEFORE you even saw that text message. How untrusting and on edge and full of anxiety you felt. And then start to realize little by little that, although you may be sad, you also don’t feel THAT way. And start to let yourself realize how nice that is. You do need to cut yourself off from looking at anything online. I had to block his facebook, his wife’s and all of his family and mutual friends that we had that would even “like” status entries of his because it would show up in my newsfeed. Anyone who ever did that, I blocked. I blocked about a dozen people one night and feel so much better not seeing that stuff. Yes, for awhile I had to force myself to fight the urge to look. I talked myself out of it every time and little by little it got so much easier not to look. Especially when you realize how much better you will feel. The hard thing to realize is that the relationship was a lie because your feelings in it were so real. But you have to step back and look at it from a distance. That regardless of how much you “loved” this person, they didn’t make you feel good towards the end. Take it as a lesson learned. A painful one yes, but a lesson. And take the time to learn about yourself again. To heal yourself you do have to focus on you. Not him, not his current girlfriend, not another relationship, but just you. Regardless of how great they make everything seem now, it won’t be. He will unfortunately do the same thing to her and she will be in your position now, or staying in an unhealthy and toxic relationship. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. You are not in it anymore. Sometimes it’s hard to not want to sit back and watch for that to happen. To feel like karma has finally come back and bit him, or to get the reassurance that she also didn’t mean anything, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. If you wait around for that to happen, you are still wasting more time of your life on him. And do you really want to give him that satisfaction after everything? Hang in there. It took me 6 months to get to this place after repeatedly going back to him off and on over a 20 year period of time almost so I do understand how hard it is. Everyone gets there at their own pace. Just keep working towards getting there…
Thank you New Beginnings, you are very right!! 🙂
thank you all for your stories and words of support it makes me realize I’m not crazy and he has moved on to another girl and i’m still devastated. I caught him cheating on me and I hope my suspicions were right that he would ALWAYS cheat/ I hoep I did the right thing by walking away
No…. you are not the crazy one…. realistically only a true crazy person could make you feel that crazy!! 🙂
Yes you did do the right thing to walk away… keep walking each day it gets better. Keep your head up high.
Thank you for this great support, this makes me feel so much better, I felt alone,I didn’t think anyone ever went through this, I’ve been reading alot on narcissist sociopath and my ex is one of them, no matter how much I tried being in denial about it, at the end the reality sinks in. Just hard to believe everything was a lie because my feelings were so real towards our relationship, I will move on, I.won’t look through his Facebook I won’t even dare to look them up on social medias thts it, it’s time to start moving on, I can’t b like this forever, I feel a big part of my life has collapsed somethin in my heart is missing, to think of them and how greatly happy they are n they’re making plans that we planned
Lyn that last comment that you made – is very true.
You are torturing yourself because he is…..
‘making plans that you had planned’…. remember if he is a sociopath – he will tell her the same lies as you. It is just that he has another victim. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that he will be different with somebody else. He won’t be. Don’t be fed by the illusion that he is happy. Truthfully he is empty inside. Which is why they get bored. and he will get bored of her too…
You have the ability to love and to feel…. if he didn’t have his latest victim he would still be using you… now he is using her… and then he will do the same to someone else. i can promise you this. And if there was outlandish displays that hurt you on social media -you can bet that a lot of that was for your entertainment!! Who does this? You deserve so much better…. this is not a reflection on you but on him!!
But thts it, no more looking back no matter how bad it hurts, thank you so so so so much POSITIVE GIRL.AND NEW BEGGININGS, after reading your comments it made me feel I’m not alone, and I’m not worthless. Thank you for this site!!!!
No, you are not alone. THOUSANDS of people read this site every single day. Every single day that you are reading here, there are thousands of other people who have also been here reading. So likely whenever you are reading there are at least 50 -100 other people reading here at the same time.
its nice to meet you!! 🙂 Welcome!!
No, you are definitely not alone and this site helps a lot in having people to talk with that have gone through the same things. Especially when you hear other people’s stories and realize how similar it all is. And yes, you made plans with your ex as I did with mine. But now we can make better plans, or keep some of the same. But now we can practice self love and having loving and caring people in our lives, which will make our life plans that much better. Because no matter how great the plans, they were clouded by insecurities and mistrust, sometimes buried deep in our souls but always there. Now is your time to shine, to feel good. You will have good days and bad. Some days at first were easier for me not to check up on the ex than others. But get a few good days under your belt and you will start losing that urge. Just keep reminding yourself how much better off you are. Better to be alone and happy than in a toxic relationship. You can do this!! 🙂
I agree New Beginnings and Postivagirl….we are not alone in this nitemare. I have broke free and yesterday was our first wedding anniversary, and we were just married in Feb. Mere months later here we are and he celebrates his 3 month anniversary with his new love, soulmate and girlfriend today. Imagine that…Our wedding anniversary went un-noticed but I’m sure he is putting on the show for their love anniversary.
But I am strong and anxiously looking forward to the second hearing of our divorce in Feb 2014. The first one was a bust because he did not want to pay me the full amount owed to me and I did not settle like he thought I would. He was very pissed off because it was obvious that he had lost control of me, and in the end cost him more money for his attorney..but he has put me in financial hardship and I am due my money in full. He enticed/conned me back for one weekend at the end of Sept..supposedly broke up with the gf because he wanted me again, yet all it was to steal my money and leave me broke..3 days later he was back to the new gf.
He texted me picture of how happy they were..blah blah.. she post love love love of him on FB and how he and his family loves her so much..yet her two sons have moved in with their dad shortly after they met because they hate him, he has cancelled the internet from their phones so the isolation has begun for her..she has also quit her job so she is totally dependent on him. Who quits their job for the security of a married man? Yet he texted and told me that I am not a threat to her since she knows what I am to him..NOTHING.. I laughed. She will be in the same boat as I am as he will do the same thing and the pattern has already begun, I know best..I was her just a year ago. Its like having a front row seat to my own life with him only the actress has changed in his show.
I have had NO CONTACT since Oct 9, even when we went to court in Nov, we did not speak and I looked fabulous and he looked like a bum and his eyes were as big as baseballs. LOL..my daughter said he looked at me when we were leaving, although he was pissed that he didnt get his way…I thought good, take that last look you miserable SOB..I felt empowered and everyday I grow stronger and heal.
I still have thoughts everyday, but more and more feel like a elevator..
I’m going off and stopping just to let people get out of my life..and he is out the door and I’m still on my way up.
Stay strong ladies!!! You will heal and I’m thankful for this site that when I feel weak , I read the stories over and over to grow and know they are all alike, same sayings, same patterns and I am not alone. God Bless.
@Genie, I completely understand how you feel. Unfortunately, I have children with my ex, (I know, I want to vomit too), today was the first time we have spoke in 3 months. I should rephrase this, I spoke, and listened. He lied and agreed with me? Sigh – really? The whole thing is so old and tired. I know I physically don’t look old, (Estée Lauder, Thank You), but I feel the sparkle in my eyes are fading. Some people have it forever. Mine are dimming. I am trying not to let it be snuffed out. But there is only so much you can do. It’s the stupidity and childishness surrounding it, I am becoming intolerable of it. I can barely fake politeness in public. Which is such bad manners where I am from.
NIBSIH.
This is a very interesting point you raise—how the distress of contact with the soc can age us. I am at this moment watching a series on animal hoarding. These women who are hoarding the pets look soooo old and tired, with down-turned mouths. And, when you look at earlier pictures of them, they were beautiful!
I notice my own hair has more gray in it now than when I met him. I actually prided myself on aging so slowly (gracefully?) Today, I will put color on my roots to cover the gray and dull brown. I sincerely believe, the longer we spend in proximity to this type mental distress, the more it manifests physically. It is not worth it.
I am very sorry—for all of us—that we now know the reality of the horrible souls in this world that disguise themselves as the answer to our prayers. It is a loss of innocence, but we don’t have to become embittered. I know, fully, that it is impossible to go back to our former innocence.
Probably like others here, I wonder to myself if life can get better after something like this. I wonder if I will recover fully and know real love in this life. I do know there are better things in life than the soc. We got a puppy (something I thought I’d never do), and it has been a delight, not a distraction. Honestly, it has made me forget to think of the soc because we are enjoying the new puppy so much. Things have come into my path that I opened my eyes and mind to and allowed in (like the business coaching).
My therapist has been a great surprise to me in that, it is exactly the in-depth conversation with someone who is informed that I have been searching for for a long time. All of these many developments push me further from the ex-soc. Like he is a blip on the screen of my life, even if it was a spike, that experience is NOT the consistency of my life, and I don’t have to stay there in it. None of us do. If I can actually feel excited (not just accepting, tolerant or going through the motions) about these new developments in my life, that tells me, I can get past this thing that was a shock to me. I really believe that there is something more, something better, and something richer waiting on the other side of this. Let not your experience impact your health to the degree that it shows on your physically. Encourage yourself by disciplining your own mind—just one moment, one thought at a time—to move past this to something of greater value and importance.
Exactly!! And of course the best revenge ever is living well, greatest act of defiance is a smile. I am so down with this attitude!! I try very hard not to be a bitter b! The only thing I can’t “fix” is my eyes, when I look into a mirror, I see sadness, stress, betrayal and old lady! I hope other people don’t see what I see.
Just wanted to express how happy I am to have stumbled across your blog, thank you for writing it. Like many others I have been recently involved with what I now recognize to be a sociopath, and the more I learn about them, the more I wonder if my ex was one also, as he displays many of the same traits. Until a few weeks ago I was barely aware of what a sociopath was, even though I have always been into psychology, but now everything makes sense and I feel like I’m not going crazy, and I’m not alone!
Having gone over and over things in my head thinking what did I do wrong?…what about all the plans we made? all the promises, (broken promises) now finally realize I didn’t do anything wrong …it’s them!
Blogs like this really help to bring the awareness to people of how damaging and parasitic these people can be so thank you for that.
Having recently come out of a long term relationship with the father of my children who was emotionally abusive, controlling and on occasion physical I was quite vulnerable anyway, so when I met this ‘charming, attentive, charismatic’man I thought how lucky I was….how wrong could I have been! Slowly the cracks began to show, and now I realise I had a lucky escape but it is so hurtful to realise things weren’t what you thought they were, and makes it even harder to trust again.
I’m currently reading a book I hope you don’t mind me mentioning the name, if so please remove it, ‘woman who love too much’ by robin Norwood, have found it invaluable to the healing process and would like to recommend it , in the hope it might help others too, it helps you recognise lots of danger sign, hopefully I , and others,won’t fall into the same trap again.Thank you positivagirl x
You are welcome phoenix am glad that you have found what i write of use to you 🙂
I wish I knew this before! I wish I knew that someone can possibly say without meaning it. I didn’t know it. I made love, days and nights, murmured most intimate words in her ears, she was my woman for life ahead; took times off for holidays, talked hours and hours on the phone, Skype’d, wrote hundreds of e-mails, texted thousands of times. When she called me and said “how much she misses me”, the other man was sleeping on her bed. Then months later, she started blaming me for who I am. Then she disappeared. I was traded to “something”, that I never understood what, there were no closures.
THen I made lots of research, crossed with this blog.. Wow, I can’t believe this is happening. Everything which was mystery to me before became clarity, no more search for closure, no more search for empathy, compassion. You gotta move forward my friends.. This is about you now. Not for them… Be proud of yourself, with dignity…
I wish I knew this before! I wish I knew that someone can possibly say “I love you” without meaning it. I didn’t know it. I made love, days and nights, murmured most intimate words in her ears, she was my woman for life ahead; took times off for holidays, talked hours and hours on the phone, Skype’d, wrote hundreds of e-mails, texted thousands of times. When she called me and said “how much she misses me”, the other man was sleeping on her bed. Then months later, she started blaming me for who I am. Then she disappeared. I was traded to “something”, that I never understood what, there were no closures.
THen I made lots of research, crossed with this blog.. Wow, I can’t believe this is happening. Everything which was mystery to me before became clarity, no more search for closure, no more search for empathy, compassion. You gotta move forward my friends.. This is about you now. Not for them… Be proud of yourself, with dignity…
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My ex and I had a roller coaster relationship, we were off and on for 6 years. There were many girls and they started off on the side and I was his main “victim” but as more time went on he started shutting me out but than he would be back again. He always promised he would change and I was dumb and would take him back. He was my first real love, I am a person that doesn’t put up with any bullshit so I am mad at myself that I could never let him go. I moved to the same town as him because he always said that was our problem, the distance. I was here one week and than he broke up with me. Three days later he was in another relationship with his coworker. I called him out on it and I warned her which i wished I hadn’t. She thinks I am crazy and said they are completely happy. He hasn’t contacted me and I have not contacted him for about 3 weeks now. Since than his gf has posted a picture or status or tweet about everyday of the two of them. He deleted me from fb so I don’t see these things. I had a HS friend text me and tell me the posts were making her nauseous, she said it’s almost as if the girl wants me to see or something. Anyways they have only known each other for a month and she is posting things about him being the most wonderful boyfriend in the world and about all the stuff he does for her. At the end of our relationship it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything and a month later he is so happy and constantly wining and dining her and making her fall in love with him. He is a pathological liar and is so sketchy. He is never content with one girl, or maybe it was just me. I am now in this town with no one and I can’t help but think they’re having the time of their lives and all his friends and family are so happy and he just threw me away like the garbage. I know it is only a matter of time until he gets bored but they work together and I feel like maybe he would change for her. I think it is really weird to fall for someone that fast but maybe our relationship just got too boring for him. I don’t know. I know he has a lot of problems and its not about me but I can’t help but thinking somedays what if it was me that drove him away. I am so tired of thinking about what they are doing.
My ex was a diagnosed sociopath – and only got one with me because I inherited a large sum of money; she’d use sex to get what she wanted out of me, because I’m quite strong-willed myself and not an easy person to manipulate – this arrangement was fine with me because I was using her too, and the fact I was using a sociopath gave me even more of a buzz because they’re supposed to be the users, but she was that determined to get my money she pretended that I was everything she ever wanted, little did she know I knew it was all mendacious, and didn’t care.
We’re not together anymore, and in the end she didn’t get much of my money, as I managed to slyly keep a lot of it myself and pretended it was gone when I got bored of her and met someone I liked.
You shouldn’t feel jealous about your sociopath leaving you for someone else, if worst comes to the worse, make sure everyone they get with finds out what they’re dealing with – most people would be put off by the prospect of dating a sociopath – it’s an ace card you can always use for revenge, should a sociopath mess you around. Yes, life may be too short, but even to this day I’m so proud of the fact I manipulated someone who set out to do that to me (and failed), they’re really not THAT smart – everyone has a weakness.
Speaking and looking back some 15 years, I can honestly say now that ‘the past is another country and I don’t live there anymore’..I am far,far more emotionally stronger than I have ever,ever been now I now know my true worth and that’s all I need to know. I won’t let anyone take advantage of my kindness and compassion unless they prove to me they fully deserve it and are not just playing on my ‘heartstrings’ to take advantage of me. I can’t tell you how liberated I feel and if this evil man dared to show his face again thinking I am the ‘pushover’ I once was, he will come to realise very quickly that I am far stronger than he is or will ever be,and that I now do not deal with silly little immature children trapped in an adult body, so go as far away from me as possible you manipulative,evil, parasitic monster…..
I understand i am free from him. It is an amazing feeling and its been a very long journey! He is now repeating the cylcle with another girl who has a child. I just want to save her and tell her to get out before its too late. I get angry and upset that he is doing this and going to ruin another girls life and i cant do anything to stop him. My friends n family tell me its not my problem. I am trying so hard to not care but i cant seem to shake off this feeling of wanting to tell her to run from him and i know i cant… is this a normal way to feel????
Karen you cannot stop her own life lessons. She wouldn’t believe you and it would only push them closer together and make her believe that he is more special than he actually is. She has no prize. He has already told her you are crazy. If you tell her you will reinforce his lies about you. You cant save anyone else. You can save you.
Thankyou!! True words, i need to keep reminding myself of that. I appreciate ur reply.
I am so glad that I found this site! All this time I thought I had gone nuts! It ALL makes sense now. This man was controlling. He told me how I should wear my hair and even what color I should paint my nails. He took jabs at me and made me feel like nothing. To get his way, he would try to guilt trip me and threaten to kill himself, etc… He spent a lot of time with me in the beginning, treated me well, took me places, but then he started to disappear for a week or two, until he needed me to do him a favor. Then out of nowhere he started accusing me of cheating. I showed him my phone, I answered my door when he came by unannounced, he ALWAYS knew where I was. Then one of my friends caught him on a dating site. He denied, denied, denied ANY wrongdoing (even though I HAD SEEN THE EVIDENCE!) AND continued to call ME a cheater. I stumbled across another website before I came to this one and it mentioned “no contact”. So I tried that. I started to ignore his texts, calls and emails. But things got bad when I started to ignore him. He showed up at my house and forced his way into my apartment by busting through my door. He injured my shoulder in the process because I was trying to close my door on him to keep him from coming into my house. He came into my house and screamed at me and threatened me in front of my child. Long story short, I filed for a restraining order and I am in the process of pressing charges. He still emails me and texts, calling me a whore and a cheater, although I NEVER cheated on him. I never even entertained the thought. He threatened my brother when my brother told him to stay away from me. It has been a nightmare. The sad part is, I have known him since I was 11 years old. Well, I thought I knew him. He put on such a good act for so long. I am disappointed and hurt and angry because I feel like the person I loved died or never even existed, but thanks to this site, I understand things a little bit better and it is helping me to understand that there is nothing that I could have done and there is nothing I can do… besides move on and NEVER look back. So, thank you and thanks to everyone else who shared their stories. That helped me to see that this is REAL because it happened to others too! ❤
Yes you have it typical sociopath behaviour.
What a good sensible site this is.. I’m hear to just say that I too had 8 years of trying to have a ‘ normal’ relationship with a man that I finally worked out was a narc! Then it all started to fall I to place and make sense to me. After all the usual years of cheating and lying etc I finally told him that I’d worked out what he was! Of course he went mad. But there was a change …he’s started to be very interested in transvestite sex ( something he’d never mentioned in the previous 7 years) and so we started to finally end. I tried and tried to fix this mobster. He if sky discarded me over a few month period. Our sex life stopped completely . It took me months to get to the point ( with the help of these great sites) of laughing at him and his sad life. I phoned and texted him… He ignored me completely.. Then one night a woman answered his phone ( he must have let her as no one ever got near that phone!!!) she asked who I was and I told her just before the line went dead . Then strangely I felt free from him!
I actually now do not care what or where he is or who he is with. I know he will be lying and cheating he will get bored and have rages…. But I also know that none of that is either my concern or is , more importantly, aimed at me . I only hope whoever he is with now gets out sooner than I did . Other than that I care not.
I want to give hope to others on here that are not at this point yet !
You will get over the monster. They will become completely unimportant to you . And you will go on to have a happy normal relationship with yourself and others.
Do not berate yourself over lost wasted time with the monster. True you cannot get the time back . But it was as well as being painful times a learning curve. You have stepped out of the dirt to pastures new. Wiser !
I now look back in amazement at what I allowed . But I’ve learned so much about myself . I hope you do too
My partner and I just split up after 7 years.
He was jealous when i went out (but never wanted to come along). On the odd occasion he did, we would have a great time until we got home. then he would list all the things i did wrong and then not talk to me for days. He wouldnt let me talk in discussions; i could never get an opinion out before he cut me off and moved onto the next topic quickly.
I was suspicious that he had cheated in the first year, and he finally told me 5 years later that he ‘almost’ did. i believed/forgave him.
He constantly accused me though , but ive never cheated.
He shamed me for small things (some music, TV or books). He never praised my achievements, but instead compared it to his (which were always better!!)
we broke up a month ago and he’s only just found somewhere else to live. 2 days after the split he left the dating website open, so i know hes already out looking, or it was on purpose so I’d get upset.
I havent reacted and he is getting more and more frustrated, trying many things to create a argument.
I guess he is a sociopath? I know he has anxiety and has medication for it.
I will go to a councillor just to talk it through as my esteem is quite low after years of emotional abuse, but I do understand what he did to me. I know its not my fault. i know he was a manipulator. i wont be jealous or hurt if theres a new girl in his life tomorrow.
I am looking forward to finding myself first before dating again.
When your narcisistic ex feels you are dating someone, do they leave you alone. I had a terrible experience last week when going out on a date. He over heard where I was going and something told me to change the location so I did because low and behold, he went there. After coming to the location he thought I would be at, he went in and of course didn’t see me. The next day, I received a nasty message calling me every name but who I am. Names that would belittle me but back to my questions, has I finally gotten rid of him after this experience?
In my experience. My answer would be no. He will screw with your head and your life as long as you let him because its all about control.. why do you not have him blocked?? Why is he still able to mail you?? Why still let him enter your space??? Do everything you can to get him out your life
In my situation I dated a guy for 2 months and things were perfect we had alot in common although we have met on a dating site. Be baught me gifts to make me happy he knew exackly what to get. 2 weeks after he got me gifts I find out he lied to me about getting rid of dating site and went back on it behind my back. He wouldnt fix things so instead he was caught in a lie and things ended. After a month we broke up he came back “drunk” saying how he messed up and Im thw girl he wants to be with. For months he would add/delete me off things it was a non stop circle until now. Hes now been dating someone new and after 3 months they are now officially together. They take photos together although he doesn’t seem to look all that happy. I always feel guilty that maybe I rushed things or did something to push him away but he lied to me. Hes now happy with someone else.
Natasha i think your lucky to be away from him, if he can lie to you right from start then hes not worth it! You dont deserve to be lied to and if he can do this then his morals are all wrong and hes likely to lie about other things too. Buying you gifts while lieing to your face is messed up! You didnt do anything wrong he did! And remember just because you see statuses or pictures of them being happy doesnt mean they are.. things can be very different behind closed doors.. Go find yourself a true gent whose genuine n worthy of your love.
How anyone can feel jealous of this type of evil personality is beyond me. I have begged and PLEADED TO get a divorce for three years. He is a CEO and I am penniless. I can’t afford an attorney. The day I am not being held hostage and can finally move on will be the drunkest parties happiest day of my life next to my kids birth. And if he would PLEASE find a new wife I will KNOW that THERE IS A GOD
Ive had 3 years of my pysco ex ending relationship nearly every fortnight all under the guise of him being bi polar type 2 , what an idiot i was to believe this and in him, 3 years of violience and now him taking such delight in telling me he had delibrately tried infecting me with hiv while i was a sleep 2 wknds ago, what a cruel sick man, but reading his texts to me and the words i can feel the pleasure he gains in hurting me, especially telling me how 3 years, of i went through with him were in his words just a game to him, and a game he feels he won,;he goes on to say i was such a fool. Surely the best way for anybody to get them out of there life for good is surely to tell them that you truly know they are a pyscopath, ive told my ex now in un certain terms and hes now said he is done with me, i really feel ill never here from him again now his game is up..?
Remember though shawn he loves to play the game. So to see your pain, when you don’t give what he wants. Therefore he says that he is now done with you? Like you have done something wrong – manipulative mind games from the sociopath. You found him out and dumped him, not the other way around.
Positivagirl well not really in terms of me finding out and dumping him, i knew his behaviour was not fitting Bi Polar Type 2 but us finishing was more brought by him tbh, id made a comment that after us not seeing each other for a week, on our last wknd we were together he had just blanked me yet again, and had hardly said a word to me, on this he choose to end the relationship, he demanded I drove him home which id done, on leaving him at his nans he then got in touch telling me how he never cared about me from the start, and how id be paying his mobile contract for the next 2 years and how he had delibrately tried to infect me with HIV and so on, again what really hurt me was he was the one to end the relationship, not me so why send the cruel messages to me, i think i received about 200 b4 i then sent some back in return in which point I say he is a pyscopath, ive had 1 email since then and nothing more from him, so i really do feel like hes done with me now, its just such a crazy feeling to have,;to love what i thought i had to noe finalise realise ive been through hell given everything for a conman most likely, have mixed feelings at the same time i feel like i love him but deeply hate him at the same time. Im struggling to find any support and help to deal with what ive been going through, hes now gone, ive lost all my friends, i had just started a new job but have been tryimg to work 14 hr days and the stress of all of it really isnt helping me at all, but not working and getting in so much debt because of him isnt goung to help either, but i feel so unwell with it alll
I am not surprised that you feel unwell with it Shawn. It is absolutely draining being with one. They suck all of the life out of you. Leaving you feeling empty and bereft. This is not a reflection on you, it is how they leave you feeling. When you get into debt for them, or they affect other areas of your life, it is so tough as you have to pick up those pieces too. I sometimes wonder if I will pick up the pieces from meeting this man for the rest of my life? …. I hope not, but sometimes it does feel that way.
Im sorry to hear what youve went through. I honestly believe he has done you a favour in leaving you alone! It may not seem this right now but treasure the fact he’s gone and he can no longer hurt you! Rebuild your life and make sure this time you get everything you deserve in life and find true happiness….
When I hear people say they gave 3 yrs or 5 yes I get jealous! I gave 30 years, 30 years of my life trying to love and be loved. It never worked. He had multiple affairs, left our family for 3 different families. This last one I found out about about a year ago. He has been back and forth 3x helping me while I’m going through breast cancer. The last time was different though. I could see everything I have read on this site. I kept saying dating a sociopath said you would do that, dating a sociopath said you would say that, dating a sociopath taught me that that’s how you manipulate me. He hated it! He kept saying I am not a sociopath! But oh yes my friend you are! He couldn’t take that I could see everything and that doeverything he was had been exposed the mask was gone! So once again he went back to her. To try to make it as painful as possible he left on my birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! It doesn’t feel the same this time the pain is easier, the future looks brighter, I sleep, I actually feel relief instead of Sorrow! Keep reading my friends. Comparing the voices and the thoughts of all of the people on this site. And bless your heart positive girl for continuing to hang in there, for continuing to believe that all our broken souls are worthy of love and kindness. Most of my fear comes from being 54 and having to start over again. Wondering if I will be alone? I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be alone and feel lonely then have somebody next to me and feel lonely. One of the things that is so strange is that all my life people have come to me, people have told me how I am the strongest person that I know, how they wish they had my courage and my strength, while all the time I felt so broken and so weak but never showed it, never allowed anybody to see what was happening on the inside. Today I realized I am a strong woman, I am a powerful, good, kind person that people love and respect and you are just flat stupid.
Ugh, see how he HAD to punish you. ‘If you are going to do this, well I am going back there on YOUR birthday’… because I can! Because I am amazing, great in bed, and I can get anyone that I want.
You know, in his mind, this is of course YOUR FAULT, as you were giving him grief. Not that his behaviour was really bad, or that actually you don’t deserve to be treated in that way. No… that you were wrong, and he was in the right. To prove this, look another woman will have him.
How pathetic is that?
I know. This must hurt 30 years of your life. Is a long time. BUT if you gave 30 years,. I would say that he is very attached to you. I think that they they have those that they are just using (for sex, prestige, roof over their head – whatever) – or even to get at someone else. And those, that – they do have a remote dependence to. I would bet that you were one of those. They rarely let go, even when you wish that they would and go fall off of a cliff. They pop back up at a later date.
I am sorry that you are feeling so broken. I want to say to you, that you are so much stronger than you think you are. Ok you might feel beaten down, and torn to pieces, you might feel drained. But you have put up with this crap for THIRTY YEARS you know how strong that makes you to have tolerated for so long.
How are you feeling now about the split? I found breaking the bond was for me difficult. I was relieved when he moved onto someone new. He is hiding… somewhere in someones bed, eating her food, living the life I expect. Anyway… 🙂
I don’t think that there is ‘lonely’ when you get rid of them, it is like getting rid of a headache.
How do I feel? Ummmm, scared, powerful, sad, happy confused, confident,stupid,smart,pathetic, enlightened,weak,strong. Does that clear it up for you 🙂 the thirty years is so hard. Everyone wants him to be ok but everyone thinks I am the only way that will happen. On one hand my children say cut him loose, but on the other hand they don’t want him to die. I feel better when he’s gone it’s almost like I can get my strength back for when he shows back up. I think you’re right I think the connection is different after this many years. I see things so much clearer now because of you positive girl. But I don’t know that it gives me what I need to shut the door, when he shows up here and says I’m going to die. I don’t know how to do that. A few weeks ago they thought maybe my cancer was back. He was super Sad, I said don’t worry I’m not going to die I’m a tough b****. He said I’m not worried about that, when I asked what he was worried about he said I’m worried that you’re the only thing keeping ME alive! I was thinking wow is anything about me? Even my death is about you? But yes that’s the way it is and I have finally realized that. I also think one of the things that is difficult for me is the acceptance part. I have always been such a strong woman taking care of everything,fixed everything,loved everybody,I’m having a hard time accepting that I can’t help him I can’t fix him, I can’t love him better. I also am having to accept that one of us is going to die and I really don’t want it to be me. I’m tired and I just want some peace before my life is through.
You know you cant fix him. And yes, you are right it is ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HIM!! 🙂
I drove past my sociopath today in the town we live in driving his girlfriend’s Mercedes. I was on my way to an appointment for my next cancer surgery, then had to get back to a conference for the grandson that we have raised for 16 years. As I drove past him he looked proud as a peacock perched in her Mercedes.In the past I would have wanted to drive him off the road 🙂 today I kind of felt pity for him. I am going this afternoon to the conference of a child who you have abandoned, who forgave you on so many occasions because he loved you and wanted your love, however now wants nothing to do with you. Today in the conference as we talked about college the guidance counselor said to my grandson,that was one of the best presentations I have heard this year, and your goals are amazing. I looked at the guidance counselor and I said he is an amazing child and he is one of the best people I know. So again to my sociopath, you are just plain stupid! So today my day was not about him, Today my day was focused on the things that matter! That is how Im feeling today positive girl!
Yay I am pleased that just for today you were focusing on you. One day at a time..you can do this!!
It is so hard to come to grips that this was all fake. I bent myself backwards and inside out to try to please this man. I went through so much hell for 5 years. The constant arguing, him telling me I didn’t do anything right even down to doing the dishes. What a waste of time this whole relationship has been. I know that I am free and that the new source will go through the same thing. But I hate that they can get away with treating people this way. I hope the new source figures him out sooner than I did. This relationship almost broke me. Luckily I was able to pick myself back up from this mess.
How funny, I just got this message (below) from him after being in no contact for quite some time…. Wow
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Seriously, I’m not trying to talk to you about us at all. I know that the ship has sailed a long time ago. Getting completely clean and being saved has been the best high I could have ever imagined. I’m not expecting a response. I just want you to know that I do realize you really did try and I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. I’m not upset or jealous anymore. I know God has a plan for us and we weren’t in his final plan. Maybe to put us together for some unforeseen reason but not to end up together. I’m truly happy for you guys. I hope it all works out so well for you both. Anyways, I just wanted you to. Know (both of you) that I’m past the thought of us. I’m sorry I jumped off track but I can’t redo it. Thank you for opening my heart and soul back up for Jesus to get into my soul. Thank you for being you. And if you were praying for me I’m sure it helped. I hope the family is well. Take care of yourself chump. 😊
The author of this seems like someone who’s been destroyed by one of us (sociopaths), and then they finally got over it. Kudos to you.
I became sort of a friend (smtimes with benefits) with my ex. He move abroad, we talked all the time since he was all alone.
Our friend went to that country on business trip and they have called me together to tell me that they are together. She told me (she doesn’t know anything about us), he was laughing while she was explaining me.
I asked him later why he didn’t tell me day earlier, alone. He said he wanted to prepare the story??
Now he writes me, he misses our friendship.
I fell so worthless and naive.
I am sorry Gemma. Please dont go back. He doesnt miss your friendship. He misses the control he had, the attention that he received from you.
It is betrayal to do what he did, and you dont deserve this. How you feel today, isnt your forever feeling, unless you choose that. Do you have access to therapy near you? As this can help.