Sociopath and establishing No Contact!

When the relationship comes to an end. You will find that trying to move on with your life, is almost impossible, as you are sent relentless emails, texts, contact on social networking sites, and even turning up at your home.

Remember earlier, when he bombarded you in the beginning, it is the same now, at the end. Only this time the bombardment is negative, spiteful, relentless anger and venom. You can be left feeling that there is nothing left of you, an empty shell, how are you going to cope? You don’t even have enough strength to fight back anymore. You feel dead inside.

no contact 2

Establishing No Contact

When the relationship with the sociopath (or with anyone with a disordered mind) comes to an end, it is important to establish No Contact. No contact means:

  • Do NOT open emails
  • Block their number from your phone
  • Do not read texts
  • Block them from your social networking sites
  • You might decide to go no contact with mutual friends too – as it is about cutting contact
  • Put all memories of them, photos, gifts, anything associated with them in a box, and put it away
  • Have no contact,  no communication at all, if you get tempted, call a friend instead, or do something else, the urge will go

It means to have absolutely no contact at all. This can be quite frightening to do. Especially if this person has isolated you from people who were close to you. You might feel that he has become your life, after all they worked so hard to be the centre of your world.

You might feel that the Sociopath is all that you have left in your world. But remember with them, you had nothing anyway. It was all an illusion. All a lie, designed to manipulate you, control you and use you for what they needed. So, really you are losing nothing.YOU CANNOT LOSE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE!

It is likely that attempts to make contact will escalate when you try to escape fully. But keep going.

The benefits of establishing No contact:

  • You will focus your energy on healing you
  • Your ex will not be able to hurt you further
  • You will seek out support for YOU and not be reliant on your ex
  • You will let go, and start to move forward
  • You will find you have TIME to pursue hobbies for YOU
  • You will have time to meet new friends
  • Most importantly you are giving yourself TIME to heal

Enjoy this time, be self indulgent. Right now, probably for the first time in a long time, you can focus on YOU, on your needs. As likely for a long you had been focusing your energy on someone else.

Establishing no contact, is the quickest way to heal. If you hold on, the only outcome will be further damage, further abuse, further control of your life. You will only delay thee inevitable   So, break all contact. Get your sanity back. Get your space back.

First step you need to take

Make sure that the final contact with your ex is that you say ‘this relationship is over, and I no longer wish to be in contact with you further. I am telling you not to contact me further on xxx date and at xxx time, do not contact me, face to face, by email, text, calls, social networking”  Explain that you now need time alone to heal and recover. Warn that if he does not give you this time, it would be considered harassment, and the police could be called.

What happens if I break No Contact?

If you break no contact, it is like smoking a cigarette when you have quit smoking. You go back to square one. Breaking no contact can make you feel bad. If you do give in to temptation, it is likely that you will regret it, as you will have to start again. But if you do, don’t beat yourself up about it.  Try to put it behind you, and start again.  Breaking no contact will not make you feel better, it will likely make you feel worse. Sometimes you have to experience this a few times to understand that breaking no contact, is only going to cause you further pain.

What if my ex contacts me?

It really depends what he/she wants. If you have children together, establishing totally no contact might be difficult to achieve. Make sure that you keep contact to a minimum, and keep communication business like, nothing else. If your ex needs something try to arrange for someone else to be at home, so that he can collect. Otherwise, if you do not have have children together. Block anyway that he can make contact with you.

  • Block telephone number on your phone
  • Block email address
  • Block and delete him off your social networking sites (and do this before he can block you)

What if you see them out? 

If you have to, just wave and keep on moving. There is no need to be in contact with your ex. If he/she tries to talk to you, make your excuses, and keep on walking. No contact means no small talk, nothing.  He/she is no longer a part of your life.

My ex will not stop hounding me!

This is harassment if you have sent the warning text, giving time date and asking to no longer contact you, depending where you are in the world, call the police and make a complaint for harassment

My ex is telling lies about me – I want it to stop! 

Unfortunately this is part of the course with a Sociopath. The best way to make him/her stop is to completely ignore them. It will be tough going for a while, but try to stay close to those you trust, and away from those you do not. You might find at the end that you lose some’ friends’…. but to be honest, if they do not believe in you, then this is no big loss.

This is really hurting, I want to contact my ex! 

DON’T!!! – Tips to do when you feel like this…..

  • Call a friend
  • Google ‘sociopath, psychopath’ read as much as you can, this will empower you
  • Go to the gym, or do something active, exercise helps release endorphins
  • Do something else
  • Write about how you are feeling – keep a diary or set up a blog, whenever you feel like calling, write instead
  • Find online support forum, talk to others who are going through the same as you. This will empower you

My ex owes me money – or has stolen from me, I want my things back

It is unlikely that you will ever get back what he has stolen from you. Let it go to hold on, will just create further loss.

I want to know why? Why has he/she done this? I need him/her to know that he/she has hurt me

This is futile, you will not get answers from him/her. Read all you can about Sociopaths online. Find support forums, where others can understand this ‘crazy’.

Sociopaths doesn’t care that if they have hurt you. They only care for themselves. If he/she pretends to care, they are lying. Talk to someone who really does care.

 Top tips

  • Keep busy
  • Focus on you
  • Take one day at a time
  • Yes it will hurt, but it will hurt more if you keep having him in your life – HE will hurt you
  • Write
  • Do exercise
  • Catch up with people you haven’t seen for a while
  • Try to find online support groups
  • Read as much as you can (it is healing)

Good luck, and remember, that the one thing that the sociopath did, was take full control of your life. So take back your control. It will help and it will give you back the power over YOUR life.

34 thoughts on “Sociopath and establishing No Contact!”

  1. I am in the process of trying to do exactly what you have said here. I changed my phone number three and a half weeks ago, he is blocked on social networks and email. There is absolutely no way he can contact me except to come to my house, which he did yesterday. It really unnerved me. I was very upset all day. He had me very isolated when we were married. I have since reconnected with my family and made new friends. My teenage kids are with me most of the time and I have started graduate school. I am trying to make positive changes that keep my mind busy. It is just uncanny that everything you have written is exactly my story.

    1. I think this is the point Katrina, in that it is EVERYONES story who has been involved with a sociopath. Keep going, you are doing really well. And I hope that what I write helps you to see that it isn’t YOU it is HIM…. as I don’t know you yet i know your story? …..we all know each others story.

      It is hard when he comes to your home. And one of the only ways to deal with that, is to 1. Tell him no contact, its over do not contact me again, or this is harassment and you will contact the police 2. If he does show up at your home – do not answer and call the police – I am unsure where you are? I am in the UK… I know that police are not too bad here, but elsewhere in the world it might be different.

      1. I am finally divorcing my sociopath in three day, Friday. I am not sure how I should act when I see him. I have not seen him or had contact with him in two months. He has moved on with his new target and of course he is so in love with her and shes the am hopeful the court will see him for what he is. We were only married less than a year and have no property or children involved..yet he does owe me money and I do have an email promising me payment. His lawyer told him to pay me, hopefully the judge will make him pay me that day. I do have a letter from a counselor who saw us both and on the meeting told him he needed a psyc evaluation and he never would go back. She wrote that in her letter, this will show the judge I am not the crazy one, since he has tried to put restraining orders on me, even the new gf tried to no avail, since I have had no contact. She will be wife number 8. The only started dating Sept 13, 2013 and in the month a half, he two sons moved in with their dad because they hate her new bf (my ex), she quit her job to be with him in his semi. He even broke up with her after two weeks wanting me back at the end of Sept..after he got $1500 off of me in the first three days, he was back with her. I was so stupid to get caught in the web of lies and deceit. I am stronger and happier now. But I am nervous about how to feel on Friday. Any tips or suggestions? I do have a lawyer and so does he to handle the business at hand.

      2. Just wanted to add, what he is doing to the new gf, I have already experienced..its the same play with him only the leading lady has changed and I now have the front row seat to my life that happen just a year ago. he tried to get my kids to move out, my one son would not even come to my house if his truck was in the driveway. He had me quit my job just to go in the semi with him..all within the first two months as well. She has now done the same things at his request. But maybe she is the ONE..or wait..I was the ONE..and wife six said she was the ONE..omg, the pattern he keeps, just wondering how long this one will actually last. HER ex husband told me on facebook that if I was able to put on my own bra I was smarter than she maybe he has found his match after all.

      3. Lol, that was hilarious. Not to minimize your pain, because it is a horrible feeling to realize what was reality is not. But you really have to maintain a sense of humor about this whole thing. Your life is falling apart! Aarrgghh!!

      4. Correction…my life fell apart, then I got it together and recovered from his bullshit. But thank you for thinking it was so funny. One day I may share in your humor, but for now i’m disgusted I let him control my life as he did.

      5. If I offended you in any manner I apologize, I am still suffering with my ex, the only way I can deal with it is with humor. We have 2 children together. I CANNOT wait until they are 18, so I can have NO contact. I have tried every tactical maneuver legally for custody, he has drained me financially. So I give up, and he thinks he won and I don’t give a shit. The kids want to be in fantasy land – go for it. He will discard them too, he places value on nothing. The reason why I laugh, #1 I am vain, I noticed being angry all the time is making me look old. #2 I found I was missing all the JOY in my life, I am not letting anyone take that from me. Kids, Evil ex husband from hell, no one. So it’s a personal choice, and I’ve had a lot of rotten things happen in the course of my life, I just choose every day to not be bitter or sad about it. Other people have it worse, and WHAT IF today was my last day, do I want to spend it in my pink bathrobe laying in bed crying about stuff I can’t change? (Only because I have done it people, that’s why I can talk shit about it). NO! I had to go “find a life”, my kids left, Evil left, all I had was my dogs. (Omg I am a country song, minus a truck). Lol. It’s all how you look at it, I rather laugh then cry, I’ve never seen anyone look pretty while crying. Sorry vain I know. (Nose all runny, blah). Lol.

    2. Thank you for having this website. I literally spent 3 days writing an entire response to an email from him where he lied about the break-up and reasons why. Of course he twisted all the facts and blamed me. I wanted to correct him, tell him the truth and explain the pain he has caused me and my children. I did not send it and I won’t I have not had contact in 3 weeks and this obviously was his attempt to break the No Contact on my side. Thank you thank you and thank you for sharing your stories and now I have a place to go to find tools to move on.

  2. Hiya.I have read and convinced my ex was a sociopath. He did have full controll over me.the hassle I got when wanted to see my male mates I ended up not seeing them.items of mine he he damaged he never paid for.but the odd thing he is he did seem to show signs of love and jealousy was awful. Verbal and physical outbursts but then he would return to normal.this one appparent so caring guy had me stayin in.we would stay in monday to thursday and he would go off drinking at weekends even when we had plans.often turn up early hours drunk pleading to see me.we split up a couple all came to an end afew weeks ago when he attacked me.police where useless because he lied.we did text that day.he was all crying faces contact the next day.I went out with my mates freedom again.but sunday endlless callls and texts.I did not responde much.a week later that was it.the final lie I could tolerate.leave me alone.went police as he continued to call and text.through fear of something happening to me and my property I did not have him arrested nor go for assault again because if he relied I would b arreated.injured inicent victim I don’t see why I should suffer more.yesterday would of been ten months together.I knew he would b standing by the road as I drove to work and he was and for the first time I was upset.and stupidly I did reply.soon this lead to lots of calls and texts.I said I wouldn’t answer if he called but he still called.I didn’t answer.I texted ii wouldn’t.he kept saying how much loves and misses me.he wanted know how I was as am ill.biggest mistake he made.he would call 3 times and texts 4 times even though no reply.It was only because I got weak because until then I wanted nothing to do with him for what he had done.he is a non stop liar even says its normal part of life.I know I’ve provided limited information but do you think I am right in thinking he is one?when I was ignoring him his harrassement got less and even went two days of no contact.he has turned up at mine a few times in that time.worried me. Any comments be appreciated. Thanks

    1. I couldn’t say, but you should perhaps also look at borderline personality disorder, and narcisstic personality disorder. It’s not for me to diagnose anybody. That is for clinical professionals. Sociopaths do the following, assessment (in the beginning) heavy seduction, gaming and ruining. They always follow that pattern. THey are very manipulative, deceptive, and compulsive pathological liars. THey cause mayhem and destruction to your world, deliberately (behind your back) whilst to your face smiling and being kind. I hope this helps.

      1. That’s him all over. I read a site on sociopaths and he matched every word. He is violent but never to me until that day.being thrown down a flight of stairs is very frightening. After the charm everything was all about him and turn things onto me being my fault.he knew my weaknesses and i see now how he abused it and used it to get his own way. He is dangerous when rages and a lot was when stood up to him.wish I had not replied yesterday because I wanted to forget he ever exsisted.shame for my own saftey I did not have him arrested.but safety comes first.he had no remorse for anything wrong and dioesnt see why he should pay for my possesions he damaged.he owes me nearly 500 pound.I’m ill and not ment to be working but I have have to have no heart not to pay when you claim this person is your life and soul. Said on a text I’m his beautiful baby and always will be.I don’t think he will ever fully be free from him.during the attack he even spat in my face.he seems to have almost forgotten that and what he done to me and seems to think saying sorry is all it takes.the extreme lies he’s made up just for being late is astonishing. If only I could have justice and be safe.

      2. I forgot to say he’s that good a liar he has the male policeman fooled. His sister at one point earlier in the relationship tried help me and many times called her mum to remove him from outside my house when drunk.he thinks its normal toi beat someone up on weekend nights out.his sister said he is a liar.and very manipulative.she even said he will stop you seeing your male friends which he did.he is hounding my phone has I am writting this message.he knows my break times.he has lurked around before now.he is probably here now.he will know I’m on my own.what have I started from replying moment of weakness side.then he’s captured onto it.although at present I have remained alittle in contact.this calling me is now worrying me.I don’t know why I considered meeting up with him.he’s always had that hold over me.I broke it that one day.I did read soon as you make contact the harrassment will start again and it has 😦 and he only lives half a mile down the road from me

  3. I’ve managed the no contact and feel so much better after 7 years. He controlled my life but also got all my lifesavings. He’s stiIl working age but I’m now on a small state pension and reduced to benefits to top it up. The main thing I worry about now is, if/when I go for a divorce he is so greedy he is likely to want ‘maintenance’ as I have a slightly higher income than him and he won’t work. He’s pursuing his next victim/s. I’ve already received a letter of complaint from one of his mistresses telling me of an email she sent him demanding her money back. He later threatened her. She thought he was ‘ever so friendly’ till he showed his true colours.

  4. Im on day 5 now after i dumped him…i blocked my phone and changed my email…It seems im over him already,because I feell much better now im not sad or nervees or have headaces,i feel at ease with myshelf I feel free,And Its a wonerful feeling….:D

    1. You will feel better, because focusing on no contact, will make you focus on YOU.

      Well done Lu!!! 🙂 its good that you have managed to block him from email and phone….. don’t forget social networking too….. and no peeking at his page. It wont help, each day that you stick to no contact you will gain in strength. But like quitting smoking, if you relapse, you go back to day one of recovery!!

      Well done….. keep going!! 🙂

  5. I have just left my ex who is with out a doubt a sociopath! He has not been clinical diagnosed but I know it! Everything I read is HIM. I want to do the “no contact” but I two children with him, they are 2 and almost 1. How do I prove to a judge that he is not a fit parent, he seems to think he will get them 50% of the time! The thought of this terrifies me. He is abusive, in all aspects of the term, not only to me and my children but our dog! He puts on such a sweet front that I am afraid that the judge will see this wonderful, caring man who want nothing more than to be a father…really all he wants is to use the kids to get at me!…what do I do?

    1. Hi Cali, it is important that you record everything that he does. Do not get pulled into games with him. Two things are more important to him than anything.

      Keeping control

      He will do that at any cost. So telling you that he wants the children 50% of the time (if he isn’t a good parent) is not really realistic.

      Be prepared if he is a sociopath that he will lie, so make sure that everything that you do is within the law. Start to gain evidence on him, and keep this as proof that you can later show in court. Why you think that he is not a good parent, and that your children will be at risk.

      With the sociopath it is important that you ‘think smart’ and ‘think safe’ what this means is to keep a record of EVERYTHING he does, abusive phone calls, texts, emails, anything at all. use this as evidence against him in the court.

      Be strong, as it is not easy to go through, I have asked if there is anyone else who has been through this, who can offer further help to you. I know that it can be hell to go through as they will make up lies about you, to make themselves look better and play victim. So evidence and proof that what you are saying is true, is key.

      1. Agree with Positivagirl. Record everything. Go no contact immediately, except e-mail and sms (keeps a nice record). He will try to play games!

        Depends on where you are from. Here in Denmark the parent, with whom the children lives (usually the mother) will have them most of the time (often the father will see them every other weekend). There are lots of articles to prove that such small children need a base, unless the parents live right next to each other and have a VERY good working relationship. I did the very stupid thing to let him have them 50% for the first months (otherwise he would not let me see them! I was extremely broken at the time). If this have been for a while the judge/professionals will consider it an established agreement that should not be changed!! Dont´t do that.

        As long as there are no rules (no signed agreement) everything is possible, you – or him – can abduct them with little consequence. But be VERY sure to look up the rules in your country. Get some help from organisations (if they understand the concept of sociopat/narcissist – here in Denmark they don´t). Get a good lawyer, be sure she (might want a she) is very agressive and understands socioathy/narcissism. Read up on the topic, read up on the damage that parents can do to their children (Ladywithatruck, Sam Vaknin and others). Can potentially be a nasty battle. It would be better if he soon would find another supply:-)

        My experience that thinking ahead, planning and being smart helps. Seemingly they act as if there is no rules that apply to them, which can be very damaging to their rights to the children.

  6. I’m glad my ex & i had no kids, he not been allowed to see his two almost adult children from his 2nd ex wife, for 8yrs now. Yes my health improved when we broke up, nerves, anxiety reduced, hip pain reduced alot, I can walk further without him in my life, its liberating when you no longer feel addicted, long for or want them. I still think of him sometimes but it hurts much less now. I have more friends wanting to catch up, have made some new friends. I not ready for a new relationship & need to be more discerning in future & love myself more, thats a struggle but growing stronger every week or day. I hope you all out there are ok & leave the sociopath if you can, its hard for some wks but it gets easier over time & your health will improve & I am enjoying the silence more now, time to think, be ourselves & more comfortable, easier in my own skin now. Love & light to you all here the truth sets us free 🙂

  7. Hi everyone, I am a 42 year old woman whom just left a 3 yr relationship with a self diagnosed psychopath…When I say that word it still sends shivers down my spine. I knew there was something wrong in our relationship, my gut would always try to tell me that when around him (after the honeymoon period) that I should not be there. but not in a million years would I have thought of a psychopath because we think of that movie psycho. A bit of my story as to maybe help someone else see signs before he/she takes to much from you.
    I met my guy just shortly after my separation with my ex husband (I was very vulnerable and needed to escape pain) When they say stuff about how they lure you by the way they look at you, this is very true. They are very charming and can look right in your soul to make you feel like a goddess especially when you are hurting from something. Everything they use to describe how a psychopath functions to lure you is so true, he fit everything. He was very charming, extremely funny, made you feel that you were funny and loved that about you and that’s why he loved to be around me so much because no one makes him feel they way I do. And seeing how other people liked his great humour and outgoing personality and seeing other woman fall for him as well made me feel special he was mine and “he choose me”. He always bragged about how fantastic I was to people and how fantastic we are together and always said his friends were jealous of our relationship and wished they could have what we had. Here are some things he convinced me that were important to keep our relationship as great as it was.

    1) no jealously allowed, even by him. Now he did show jealously however did it in a way as to make it not look that way. He would tell me he wanted me with other men and said would hope I would like it if he were with other woman but would never be for anything more then just sex. “Sex is just recreational, sex with you is love”

    2) No lying. He was very aggressive to make me believe that he would never lie to me and would even become enrageged if I even thought he did or would. He would be truthful of some things, even if not good and would make it sound like it was nothing or it was my fault, very convincing.

    3) If I talked to other men, even just friends, he would say hun you really shouldn’t do that because other people make think ill of you as “they may think your flirting’ this was only because of his insecurities or a chance you may be taken by someone else but doesn’t want to look jealous.

    4) He would get in to a heated argument, it could even turn into a huge fight, usually about how he is treating me and by the end of it he had me so flustered and frustrated I didn’t know if I was coming or going and he could then in the same breath ask me if I would like him to make me something to eat and give me a big hug and say “hun I wish you would just talk to me about how your feeling instead of keeping things to yourself” and change the whole thing around like I just flipped out for no reason.

    When the honey moon stage was over I started noticing his change of attitude with me. with him when we drank or we were doing something fun like going out partying I was placed on a pedestal, treated very much like a queen, (now knowing) when he wanted something, like me to buy stuff, or drive us somewhere whatever, then the next day it changed, I felt like I was being ignored or I was annoying. He would start complaining about things I did or accuse me of not showing him I cared enough etc.

    I tried numerous times to leave however always got sucked back in as in all cased I have read we thought they meant the things they said. It made each time worse and worse.

    I left for the last time 10 days ago after finally finding sites about psychopaths. I was shocked that I actually seen my 3 yrs in every story and every description. I had to call the police 2 days ago because I have been doing the no contact, as much as I didn’t want to go that path i had no choice. I will continue the no contact as to get my life back and even with his harassment I have found the beginning of peace and have been able to put some plans in action to get better.

    I am seeking professional help, have a lot of friends on call and stay close to family even when I feel sad and dont’ want to. Because I miss him like crazy, and feel bad for him that I left because I always thought I was good for him and that I would make him a better person.
    Sorry this is so long, thank you for your site and comments to help me with my getting better.

    1. Thank you for your comment. The saddest thing is that they cannot get better. You either accept them for who they are. Or you have to walk. Accepting them for who they are means putting up with the continual rubbish and controlling behaviour 😦

      1. Hi, I thought I would share an update on how things are going. After calling the police he has started contacting me again. He lasted 3 days not contacting me. His plea’s are very desperate to try and have me answer him, to engage in conversation.

        He would text me things like, “I am so lost without you and even though “you” pushed me away I am so willing to take you back because we are soul mates and I love you so much”

        “I don’t understand why you are doing this to me, when all I did was try and love you, why are you throwing away the best relationship you ever had”

        “please just come over and talk just for a min and I promise I will not bother you again”

        Then when he didn’t get any response he would say things like ” you know your right, I am better without you, you need help and I need a girl who will show me she cares and loves me cause you never did”

        You get the picture as I am sure you all have heard it before. I have been trying the techniques of making it look like they are the one who decided to “escape”. Be prepared as this may not work either. Just stay strong and continue the no contact even if he continues to try and contact you.

        Here is a tip I have read on another site to help us when we are feeling sad and may want to contact them or go back. “think of a dog eating then throwing up then going back to eat it hoping the second time will be different” disgusting however helpful sometimes 🙂

        Again thank you to all for sharing your story’s it has helped very much!

    2. I know exactly what you are going through. I was a mess for two months and thought of him everyday. He sucked me back into the web for a weekend, even after he had met someone and was dating her for two weeks he claimed he still loved and wanted me. Only to last for three days and take money from me just to be with her the following weekend. It is all part of the game and the phoney front. If he can play you he will. You are nothing more than a player in his mind game and if he thinks your sitting home and missing him he has the control over you and he doesnt even have to talk to you. Remain strong. You can and will get through it. Write to others and gain a relationship from those who has been there. Family and friends will tell you to get over it, or why do you even want someone like that…they do not fully understand what he has done to your emotional and mental state of mind. The deceit is powerful over the victim. I am days away from my divorce and though I am nervous in seeing him I will get through it, it is nothing more than a business deal of getting my stolen money back. He has a new victim and she will be where I am, as smug as she is now, she will experience his drama, and who needs more drama in their life? NO one,,and certainly not you, me or anyone other person. They thrive on it. Give me a cold pepsi and I can thrive just Stay strong, no contact and you will recover. it is difficult, I never thought I would be where I am and though I still think of him everyday, it is out of disgust and not out of what I’m missing in the phoney mask.It was all a lie time and time again. he will just hurt you again if you let him in. All the best.

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