Why it is difficult to get closure from the sociopath after break up


Every relationship that ends is difficult. Usually there is a reason for it, perhaps you are not compatible, or you didn’t get on, you wanted different things out of life etc. There are many reasons why relationships break down. Each party can feel more detached as they become more hurt in the relationship.

Why do we need closure at the end of a relationship?

When a relationship breaks down, we need closure to understand why? For there to be a purpose and a reason. We seek the question why, as we need to understand, so that we can:

  • Ensure that the same thing does not happen again
  • Understand why this has happened to us
  • Is there anything that we did wrong that we can put right?
  • What is wrong with me?
  • Did you ever love me?
  • Was everything a lie?
  • Was anything at all true?
  • Am I worthless to you?

You seek validations, reassurances, and closure from the sociopath, as this is the normal reaction. However the response that you are likely to get is:

  • No answer at all
  • Further lies and deception
  • Further manipulation
  • Misleading information

When you break up with a sociopath, depending on the type of sociopath, it can often  come as quite a shock. If you have been dating a charismatic sociopath, it can be a total shock, as the sociopath would have portrayed the perfect person, all the way through. Damage would have been done behind your back, and even if you had been suspicious you would have been lied to and deceived some more, to convince you, that things were  perfect. If you had dated the distempered sociopath (who is openly more narcissistic and emotionally abusive), your head has been clouded within the relationship.

A big question that we feel the need to ask is ‘why?’ To get closure. We want to understand what has happened to us, and why.

The sad truth is that with the sociopath, it is highly unlikely that you will ever get closure (at least not from the sociopath). Although the sociopath might pretend to you, that he will offer this, in time, when he is ready. This is a lie.

There are many reasons why you will rarely get closure from the sociopath.

  • They like to retain control
  • They do not like exposure
  • They are secretive because of the above
  • They do not think that they have done anything wrong
  • In  their own mind, they would prefer to shift the blame onto you
  • If you take them back, you will still not get closure, because they have by now put on a new mask
  • They often do not know why?
  • They have a sense of entitlement that they can behave in that way
  • They do not want to go over the past

The most important one of all, is that they like to keep control. By not giving you proper closure, they keep control. Even a sociopath who has suddenly discarded you without warning, will not give you closure. You would think that perhaps they might. They will pretend that they have every intention of giving you closure, keeping you hanging on. This gives them control over you whilst you are waiting for answers.

As the sociopath is the master of disguise and illusion, you likely want closure to understand what has happened to you. You are left with a feeling of disbelief, you need to understand why?

Most sociopaths have a lack of insight into their behaviour. They are unable to think of others needs, and therefore your needs. How and why you are hurting is not important to them.

Remember to a sociopath they think only

  • What is in it for me? 

If there is nothing in it for them, there is no need to give you closure. What benefit would it offer to them? It would only risk their two greatest fears:

  • Fear of exposure
  • Fear of losing control

Why do sociopath’s fake that they will offer you closure?

So, what is the point of pretending that they will give you closure, if they have no intentions of doing this?

There is one answer to this question:


The sociopath thrives on having control over his victims. When the relationship ends there is a risk that he will lose control over you. He might not want you anymore, and might even have a new source for supply. However, this does not matter to the sociopath. By retaining control over you, giving you false hope and allowing you to believe that he will offer you answers to why, and that eventually you can ‘talk’, it keeps you hanging on a string, and your own life on hold.

You feel that you cannot move on. That things are incomplete, deluding you into believing that things might change, or that this was just a mistake. The sociopath also gets dupers delight from conning you into believing that he will give you answers, and closure, but those answers will never be forthcoming.

So how do you get closure, to be able to move on with your life?

The best way to get closure from the sociopath, is to research and understand sociopaths. To talk to others who have also been through the same thing. Perhaps to get therapy with a good therapist who understands sociopathic behaviour.

To realise that what you have experienced is ABUSE, and it is not realistic to expect answers from your abuser. The sociopath has lied, manipulated and abused you in the relationship, and will continue to do the same once the relationship has ended, for no other reason, other than ‘they can’.

Often they will say nothing to you. Will stone wall you. Will put the phone down when you try to call, or derail you and feed you false information.

It can feel so painful, that not only were you abused in the relationship, but additionally if you expect closure from the sociopath, you are allowing him to abuse you further (and he will).

If I cannot get closure, what can I do?

  • Use the internet to find as much information as you can
  • Call up your old friends and family, try to find people that you trust
  • Alternatively (or additionally), try to find victim support forums (there are a lot of them around, email me about this if you wish)
  • Realise that just as the relationship with the sociopath was a journey, so will the ending be
  • You will get closure, but not from the sociopath
  • Closure will come from realising that sociopaths behave in a certain pattern, hearing other victims stories, you will see – that there is no logical answer. As this is not a logical mind that you have been dealing with. Talk to other people in the same situation, and you will be surprised, that you might feel that you have been dating the same man.
  • Follow the steps in ‘how to recover from dating a sociopath’ and ‘establishing no contact’

Love yourself, and remember that these events, whilst right now will not make sense, one day you will emerge with closure, and all of the answers that you need. But these answers and closure, will never come from the sociopath!!

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82 thoughts on “Why it is difficult to get closure from the sociopath after break up”

  1. Ok, so this has been the single most difficult thing for me to deal with. I have no closure because I do not have answers to my questions. I want to know why he did the things that he did. I want to know how he could betray our marriage. I just don’t get it. I would still like to have answers to my ‘whys?’, however I am finally, this week understanding that I will never understand.

    Before we completely stopped talking a week ago, he said that he knew that we could not move forward unless I had my questions answered after five months (like I want to move forward). He was willing to give me answers. I told him that I did not want his answers. Do you know why I didn’t want to know what he had to say? Because he doesn’t tell the truth. He would either make up some crap that I wanted to hear or blame it on someone. Never have I gotten the real truth about things. It has either been a partial truth or a flat out lie. I know that the truth won’t come from him.

    Fir the first time, a week ago, I was able to ‘walk away’ without getting some sort of answer. You know what? I’m ok with doing that. I guess that means that I am starting to accept reality. It is not how I would like it to be, but it is what it really is.

  2. Well he would say that he would give you answers. But he wouldn’t. The only time that he might offer something…… something close to a confession…. is when there was something in it for him.

    For example, you have lost trust and faith, he had no other source for supply, so he might make a confession to rebuild trust. But the cycle would begin again.

    The sociopath really does believe that everything is everyone elses fault, and always shifts the blame. As they cannot see that what they are doing is wrong, it is very difficult for them to give you what you want.

    They are predators too, and very skilled at reading peoples wants and needs. When he senses that you need closure, he might offer to give it to you – but, just as with all other promises from the sociopath, this is all that they are, empty promises.

  3. That’s exactly what he did. He thought I needed that closure and offered to me what he thought I wanted to get his foot back in the door. I don’t want answers from him anymore though. I truly understand that I will never get what I need. He can’t ‘revive’ things with me if there is nothing to offer. So….there is no angle that he has with me. Now, with no contact at all…it makes it tough for him. I was very hard to read this last conversation…on purpose. If anything, I have gotten smarter and learned how to protect myself some.

    1. I think I can give you an answer to the “why”: He is human, just like you. I don’t know all the details of your case, so I can’t say for sure, but I would guess that he just doesn’t have the toolkit needed to maintain a healthy relationship. Some people have trouble swimming, some people have trouble reading, and some people have trouble loving.

      In the end, if you want to know the real reason “why”, you will have to complete advanced degrees in neuroscience and psychology. You need to accept that he has a condition, just like dyslexia or ADD, it’s not your fault, and there is nothing you did to cause it, and nothing you can do to change it. You did the right thing ending it, have nothing more to do with him.

      Go to the library of your local university and pick up an introductory psychology text, it will make you feel a lot better about yourself (I can see an analogy to your situation in The Invisible Gorilla, but I won’t spill the beans just yet). Eventually we will have a treatment for his condition, but right now we have to live with the monsters in the darkness.

  4. I think this is possibly the hardest bit of everything to me. For a “Normal” person to be in a seemingly loving relationship where literally the day before they (the Sociopath) are picking future baby names or telling you the first song they want at the wedding to then the next day just walk off with someone else is pretty much impossible to take! For them to be with you everyday of your life, telling you they love you every second to then just walk off without a care in the world is so gut wrenching. I’m barely better a month later and just want it to be over. I know they don’t care at all but it doesn’t make me care less it’s so sick. I know in my case all the sociopath thought is how annoyed she is I didn’t give her certain things I bought her back or a little money she paid towards a holiday which I lost loads on. Not a care about the flat she has left me with or ten bills I have to pay which are cleverly all in my name or how she cheated on me in our flat! Ahh it’s so hard not to get angry, family and friends think I should basically be fine now! Not been giving any closure at all as you all know! I also think its hard because these people take over your life want every second of the day with you then just gone in a second forever which I know is good but makes it much harder then a normal break up!

    1. I know i absolutely understand. It is difficult. But you can move on. Simply by reading as much as you can. This will give you all the answers that you need. As you will never get them from her. It is so difficult, when they are telling you that they love you every day. Yet behind your back they are doing all of the things which are the opposite of someone who loves. The pain does get better with time. But I know that doesn’t help right now. Am sorry you are hurting! 😦

      1. Thanks again for your kind words. You are right the only thing that helps is to read up on it. In some kind of sick way its really interesting! Ive just read loads of your articles its amazing pretty much everything I read happened to me. I found the fake jealousy so true its mad. By reading all this stuff it makes so much of “the relationship” make sense. It makes me feel better but hourS later I feel crap again! Its stupid that im jealous of her with another guy i think its what you say about the sex been so good etc though I know deep down i dont even consider her a real person. I know time heals everthing this is just a lot harder then normal break ups as everyone on here knows! Im not ready to meet someone else but i feel I wont get over it till I have new dates etc.

      2. Yes but you have to remember that whilst she was fake with you, she will be with him too. Who knows what she wants from him? She might even think that she can change. But they don’t. Unfortunately 😦

    2. I have so much empathy for you Rob. I had three years and he ruined me emotionally. I lost over $50,000 to his con jobs. I have seen a therapist because this is abuse. I actually think physical abuse would have been easier to recover from than this. The wound and the way he discarded me and yelled, “I never loved you-I was just in it for the money”. The mask was gone and I saw pure evil. He posted pictures with him and another girl with her boobs hanging out 20 years younger than me. Never look on FB-it breaks no contact. Protect yourself. Listen Rob- you dodged a bullet they don’t stop until they have destroyed everything you have, you are, your family and friends,job credit score etc. I believe in EMDR which is a rapid eye movement technique than is used for PTSD. It helps rewire the traumatic brain. Try to find a therapist who knows about the ruin a sociopath causes in ones life. No contact ever-I promise you she will be back and you can not engage her in any way. Just hang up and she will crawl into someone else’s hole. She will never have a real loving relationship they just scorch earth and move on. People do not matter to them unless they can con you out of something. If you n

      1. Rob, I can relate to everything you say. We were to be married this year, his mistress was complaining on facebook while he was introducing me to his family in england. So glad I found the proof he so hated me looking for, before marriage. Exactly 2 years. What a journey, what a lesson. I think I understand it all, great piece about closure. I think for me it will come from understanding he is sick. And that aside, accepting this little journey through shock and grief. Afterall, I have been suspecting for over 18 months. I guess I was kinda ready. So glad he has broken off contact, I hope he stays away. Oh, and what a great lesson to listen to my instincts! In future I reserve the right to dump any person who lies even once or sparks my suspicion, immediately!!

    3. I’m right there wu Rob. I took my guy back 7 times. Each time believing his excuses while his behavior escalated. He was online w profiles on straight sites gay sites transsexual sites and more. He would empty the house out while I was at work. Disappear until something bad happened an he needed my help. Changed his number called cops! Told me once I take up oxygen and I should shoot myself in the head. He even wanted to see the cell phone video of me doing it! How sick! I thought it was me bc he’s degraded me so badly. Called me every name u can think of and then cries bc he has nobody who cares. He had a heart attack and I saved his life then took care if him. Yet am told I only care about myself. He cheated w his employee an disappeared this last time. My heart still breaks but I have read everything on this site and reading some multiple times. It helps to know that it’s not me and there are other victims like me.

    4. I am going through the same thing, but have chosen the baby name, in fact have a three month old who has listened to his fathers rantings from the day he was born. He was full of love and promises for our future one day then within hours would tell me he didn’t love me and wanted me out of his life.

      Told me I was insecure because he locked his phone, had other phones he kept in his car, repeatedly went to his car for ‘things’ every evening, wouldn’t add me on social sites, yet declared my insecurity caused our problems.

      As above he has not allowed closure, only thrown the blame at me.

      The situation has involved physical violence now and it has taken me two years to get to the point where I realise it is not me and I do not need a fake love in my life and I will take and gain back the control I let him have.

    5. Hi rob, my ex s also was telling me everyday how much he loved me, what our wedding song would be and we were actually in the middle of the ivf process when he dumped me with basically no warning (got 3 embryos). It’s been three months with 2 and a half no contact, but he hasn’t tried to contact me at all. Just gone. Finished. Nothing. It does get easier but my emotional side still hasn’t caught up to my rational. That we were laughing and so happy and in love one day (although I was questioning heaps because of all my red flags) and then cruely discarded with no explanation the next and then to nothing, no communication, was horrendous. It’s like I meant nothing. And the truth is to him now I don’t. That is hard to understand because I loved him so much. I really thought he felt the same. But he doesn’t. He can’t. Ever.

      1. Omg… I had the same situation… I continued ivf alone. I did not start this jorney alone but now I’m . Iam scared but I’m looking forward to be a mom and have a future and I’m glad to not have a crazy sphyco liar in my life. We were just to good to them . I’m feel sorry for them, their life is empty and has no meaning.

  5. It was interesting to read your experience with sociopathic behaviour. Or abnormal behaviour, so to speak.
    My story in short. I met a guy/doctor, 34yo online a month ago. Since the very first moment we felt connected. We talked and talked and couldn’t stop. Next day I obtained an email where he emphasized all of my qualities and that I made an unbelievable impression on him. Later that day he asked me if he may take me on a trip, that it will be a surprise. Later he sent me his weekly schedule, so I’d exactly know which days he is available and asked me for another date.
    I felt like I am in heaven. He behaves so responsible, he doesn’t play games, he is honest, I thought to myself. On our second date we went running and he didn’t forget to mention he was thinking about me a lot. Next morning he described a dream he had about me. Very strong words – he said he was wrapped in my long hair and felt so safe, that he had absolute trust in me.
    Next day he asked me for another date. I thought to myself, it’s a little too much but I gave in and went out with him. We had several dates after that and after each of them he used to write me very long emails about how different I am from any woman he has ever had. That each of them only had a fragment of me. That he suffers when he is not with me. That he doesn’t need to pretend anything while being with me, he can be natural, himself. He called me his “water of life” which is nurturing the roots of his inner garden, etc.
    I described him in one of my emails that I lost my baby last year and he said he will take care of me if we’ll ever have a baby. He wrote this after ONE WEEK of knowing me. He carried on making short/long term plans. He assured me about his love, telling me he loves me, wrote poems, wanted to introduce me to his brother. When I didn’t respond to his text msg in few hours, he asked me if everything is ok and than apologized for being insecure. He made me feel special, saying I am unique, amazing and what more could he want if not me. 14 days ago he pointed out, he feels more towards me, not only being in love but responsibility towards our relationship and his feelings got deeper.
    In that moment he started to have problems with his erection for several times but it sorted itself out in the end.
    Nevertheless, the problem took it’s tool but he said it only made us stronger.
    However, how surprised I was when I received email last Saturday when he explained he cannot continue in our relationship because of his unresolved feelings due to his divorce which emerged all of sudden and he needs to deal with them. (By the time we met he was 4 months separated from his wife while settling the details of the divorce. When we met, he convinced me he has all emotional problems sorted out, he is calm about it and ready for another relationship. He lived with his wife for 5years and he decided to leave her after she told him she never loved him and she only married him because of his money. She also added he wasn’t a good lover and lacked sense of humour.)
    In that last Saturday’s email he explained that those feeling weren’t as resolved as he thought, that he needs a peace of mind and solitude, be alone to deal with it and cannot be in a relationship but he need to heal. I talked him out of it, we went into his house but I felt that he is so distant that I left saying it will be better to end it up instead of torturing ourselves.
    He repeated he needs to be alone, that he suffers from those feelings and is unable to be in a relationship.
    Few days later I found out he is active on dating website.
    Here is the link which describes sociopathic behaviour quite well and I found him in almost every characteristic.

    1. Do you think he is definitely a sociopath? He could just be scared of commitment after his last marriage? Feeling lonely, wanting to be with someone, yet when he gets close to getting what he wants, he gets scared and runs?

      Sociopaths are manipulative, deceptive, compulsive pathological liars. WIll say anything to get what they want. Sociopaths isolate you from other people and take absolute control of your life. Not only this, the key of what they do, is cause absolute destruction to your life, your career, your finances, and often your home. When the relationship is over, they conduct ruining and smear campaigns against you, using your weaknesses which they abused to lure you in, to then destroy you further. A sociopath uses someone else as a source for supply, money, sex, roof over their head, social connections. They rarely leave unless they have a new source for supply.

      Is he actually a doctor? … did you know? Sociopaths wear a mask…. are very charismatic – after they have ruined you they feel no empathy guilt remorse or shame….

  6. I found all the characteristics mentioned above matching with his personality in 90%. I don’t think and my male friends confirmed, the speed he lured me and high intensity he lured me with into his world from the very beginning is normal. Apart from other attributes of his personality – 1.being overly attentive, 2.trying to separate me from outside world by wanting to be with me every day (he actually wrote me his good bye email after I expressed a need for a little bit more freedom), 3.very strong confirmation of feeling breathtaking love for me after a week, 4.long emails which indeed were close to stream of his consciousness or rather unconsciousness, 5.changing details in his stories, 6.describing himself as a hero in most of his stories, 7.tendency to risky and intense behaviour (fast driving, running 12km/day, mountains where he almost lost his life for few times but saved life of his relatives – really?) 8.not remembering lot of things I told him, asking me several times regarding the same thing, 9.lying about his need to be alone, he described his need to be alone in the forest, to become one with it and heal and than hunting someone else on dating site after he pointed out he cannot, simply cannot have any relationship, 10.yes, he is a doctor and one of his patient described him as arrogant, emotionless person and it is a patient who visits him on regular basis.
    Not to forget that ending a relationship which fulfilled his secret dreams (citing his words) by email, from one hour to another, doesn’t belong to the world of adults. Especially when he emphasized morality and empathy so often.

    1. Yes, you might have, whilst only knowing him for a short time, have only reached the tip of the iceberg.

      He could be a high functioning sociopath. I really don’t know. A sociopath causes deliberate destruction to anothers life.Will mirror you, be the carbon copy image of you, to lure you in. But – this image is fake. It is the mask of deception that he wears.

      It is good that you now know. Remember anyone who treats you like this, it wouldn’t get better. It would only get worse over time, sociopath or not.

      Some people are intense, and then can back off. This is common with people who have issues with commitment, or are not really over an ex.

      Sociopaths are very different. In that they display perfection. But behind your back – are an entirely different character.

      A sociopath could fake being a doctor (my ex said his ex was a consultant at a hospital)…. she wasn’t. They tell ridiculous outrageous lies – so huge that they appear believable. As it doesn’t occur to you that he might be lying.

  7. The only closure I got when I confronted him in a text message was. I asked him why you told me all the stuff you did. “People change their minds. I did so sorry.” and then “Trust me, you don’t know me anymore.” Worst texts I could have gotten. Oh, and the infamous, “Trust Me.” I used to tell him that I miss the old him and he would keep saying how people change. I said I don’t. I’m still me inside. I can evolve into a more mature person, but people don’t change!!! It has literally been two years and I feel 0 closure. I am better, but I just feel like there will always be a question mark to him. I have seen him a couple times and he will make eye contact with me. It is so sociopathic. The eye contact will last longer than the typical. It will be like slow motion as he walks and like he is sad or misses me. The last time I seen him we both really didn’t look at each other.

    1. I think it is tough without closure isn’t it? Everything just ends, empty, with nothing at all. And you are stunned how could you feel nothing at all? Just that empty space?

      It makes you feel worthless. I hope you are moving forward in recovery.

  8. I recently ended my relationship with a sociopath. I became aware of what was going on, and I have so much to lose, and forced myself to face the reality of the situation. I didn’t alert him, but instead played his game. I turned the tables on him, and once all the power was in my little fingers, BOOM, dropped him. He’s going mad calling me and following me around. He hasn’t approached me, but I have seen him, and others have notified me that they have seen him. I changed my locks, and I’m prepared to defend myself against physical attack. I have egregious evidence & proof of his behavior as a result of my ability to control my emotions & wait this out. I feel a little sociopathic myself, but I am glad that I pulled it off without getting burned, or having him come after me. I will never allow him the opportunity to put me in a place of vulnerability again. If this is what it feels like to be a sociopath, their highs are amazing. Don’t play with this girl.

    1. Omg you are so Awesom I’ve been dealing with a sociopath for the last 10 years of my life. I’ve never experienced pain and suffering like this. He is the textbook example of a sociopath 8 children by all duff women keeps doors open by controlling each one with charm he lies and turns each of the women against one another. With evert child born hrs leaves to go to Another women who he can paint a picture if not being what hex wanted so he starts the game on the new women. He will use you for money, sex, time or social connections. He wi tell you that he loved you and if something goes wrong its because of you and he takes no account for anything. He has been in prison several times and has no value however eAch of his victims are educated women who are still trying to figure OUT why. He will not give closure when leaving and will disburse leaving his children and unless you listen to his rules and wants he will not see the children. I have left this man numerous times each time their was A big Boom to get me back. I was surprised in mall with champagne bottles and balloons him coming from Another state to where I was at to get me back went on shopping sprees, he bought me a car one time when I left and I had it shipped to seat he was At. This guy has even taken me in cruises across the world and Asked me to marry him on the balcony of the boat in the Caymen islands we talked about how we would move forward bring in different states because again I had left once he went home he asked me to send the ring back because it needed to be resized and I never recieved it back I was then not able to contact him for a year in a half only to find out he was living in the house we picked out to live in once married to another women. I contacted him at a number I was able to get and she anwsered I asked to speak with my fiancé she laughed. And the story continues after moving on after a year in a half I ended up going on vacation to an event I. His area hooked up with him and ended up convincing a child in 2 hours. I then decided to keep the child he was fighting another case at the time and suggested to everyone that my child was not his. He came to the baby shower but went to jail 2 months after my child was born. I then had contact with him while in prison and the lies became more intense he suggested he wanted to make a total change and move to my city to get away from everything he created snd strat a new life and raise him child while also incorporating how he would be there fir the other children…do I allowed the rough transition from federal prison . He lived here for 6 months left went back home disconnect ties with us with a women he has been Cheatibg with the past 5 years she has no children by him but has money and sex and no need for commitment . Well that’s my story I feel like giving up everyday but my son and faith In god keep me grounded. I have list so much but I do take responsibility for alot of what I allowed to happen

      1. Hi loveandwar, wow, what a journey you have been on!! How long has it been since you saw him last? Thank you for sharing your story.

      2. It’s been about about 3 month? He came to my sons birthday after he left suggesting it was a move that he made that he will regret for the rest of his life still stating that he would be back however once I found out he was lerking and planning his next victim I exposed him and questioned why he put me through this again and i never recieved an answer. Now he’s doing the same thing he’s done witg me with another women even the Things I said u enjoyed and our routine he’s incorporating in her life. All the information is put on social networking site and so now I’m considered the person who’s scorned because he did not want me …Wow

  9. I completely get where you are coming from. I was with my sociopath for 6 years. He has 4 children with 3 women. The first doesn’t let him see the children and has no contact with him at all ( I would love to speak to her and get the REAL story) he blames his behaviour on this woman. The second has one child, she was young and naive and he told me she wanted the child even though they were only friends. Then there is me. I met him 8 years ago we used to talk on the phone every day he told me he loved me and one day was going to marry me. I don’t know how I got with him properly or how he convinced me of this loving connection that we had. Anyway now I look back my life was filled with terror. I never felt of our house as my home, he wanted everything perfect and liked to sit alone in the ‘tidy’ living room on his own while me and our daughter were treated like slaves in the playroom. I was never relaxed, always waiting for that next anger or eruption from him, he made things up In his head then accused me of things that i now see was probably up to himself. The worst argument we had where he would repeat accusations and tell me he’d ‘f&@5ing’ someone else telling me I was useless but used to repeat himself over and over, I always ended up defending myself or worse crying which he thrived on. I’m ashamed to say I jumped out of a window to escape his dirty words and skills at making me insane. I broke my arm and fractured my ankle and drove 200 miles to my mums and still ended up going back, believing his lies and promises. We went on to have a child. A beautiful little girl. It makes me sad that she wasn’t born out of real love but a controlling abusive relationship. I went away for work which he hated at the beginning of this year( my daughter came with me) and I found out then that he was cheating. I never went home after that. It was like a proper reason to get away. He is still in my life through mind games and the contact with our daughter but has recently acquired a new younger victim which he delighted in telling me about and where he took her in their first date. I wish I could cut him out my life completely but I’m trying to focus on myself and making myself strong and have amazing family who have seen his madness from time to time. Stay strong you deserve real love not this abusive imitation xx

    1. Hi Emily, thanks for your comment. It sounds like you are in a good space for positive recovery if you have a good family around you to support you. People who know you, understand the old you before you met him,will not believe him, if he spreads any lies about you. I too am sad for your situation with your daughter, but… also at the same time, something beautiful has been created out of an awful situation. I hope with the love and support of people close to you, that you will help to pull you through to happier times…. you also deserve real love – one day when your healing is done! Sounds like you have been through so much with him, am just pleased that you have genuine people around to love and support you!

    2. Hello Emily

      Your strength and resiliency is awesome. I’m so happy you survived the trauma of your past relationship. It totally gives me strength to move forward. It’s been such a journey and I also have a strong family unit that have supported me through everything. My mom has also suffered from his trauma so it really has effected our relationship. Wow what this kind of stuff can do to your self esteem…I would have never in a million years thought I would be in this place. I also experienced trying to protect his feelings getting frustrated with my son and taking him in a different room so he could be comfortable. I was always very uncomfortable around him and it seemed he was always preoccupied and never comfortable with self. I always say I wish it were 1 year later tomorrow because I know all things heal with time but this go round I don’t have that time because my child needs me. I totally agree with wanting him out of my life completely and that’s what I’m currently doing …It’s still really fresh and at this time he dose not reach out to talk with his son because I’ve said over and over I don’t want him and his current victim now knows everything so that’s another tatic to drive me crazy. I’ve been emotionally destroyed I cry with the thought of his name . I have lost out on a lot if drive and motivation that I once had but what keeps me that I know with god and my family I will get it all back and experience real happiness.

      1. I know it’s so hard, he let my daughter down again today as he wanted to meet with me a day earlier than we had arranged and I explained that I had plans so could meet him but later that day. He asked what plans I said then started a row when I told him none of his business. I told him that I knew his game and he sent me a picture of my boobs and said they were disgusting. Honestly how childish is that. But I have that text as evidence now. He realised his mistake texting me when I said I was going to get the police involved so text me saying that he can’t trust me and I have been playing with his head all along and I’m the one who’s mental! I’m going the legal route now, yes I would rather spend the money on my daughter but I can’t be having this every other week. The legal route is the only way I think. You can’t make a person without a conscience see sense, so I’m stopping all contact with him. The next time he hears from me it will be through a solicitor. Just like when we were in a relationship he still has the control to change my mood so quickly. Well done for stopping contact, you will feel lost and wonder about him, you need to grieve to heal. its like a death as the person he convinced you he was, wasnt real. Keep strong dont let him win and break you. You and your son are worth so much more. X

  10. dated a guatemalan from san carlos sija and all of the people in that village: lie, drink, cheat. very mentally sick. he is a sociopath. will write more when time. glad to find this site. it is helping me. he left without warning and ive been obsessing every moment since. awful. but his site great. will help a lot. it is so true, describes his behavior. grateful for this site.

  11. Have 31/2 yr old daughter her mothers 5th child 5th farher 7 marriages baker acted 6 times lost custody of two children and my 3 1/2 is in the system now 😦

  12. I am going through this now with my ex. he left me with no remorse, reacts to the breakup with such malice, contempt and hostility but what i dont understand is why when he was the one who left me. Now he is slandering my name to his baby’s mother telling her that I will never stop wanting him and that i probably haven’t f’d anyone since him and i probably sit at home and masturbate to his pictures. Why is he doing this? PLEASE HELP!

    1. Hi Jane, he is

      1. Lying about you, which is deflection. Making you seem crazy will make him seem desirable and moral etc.

      2. This is the smear campaign – that they often do at the end of the relationship. If you think of it from an extreme point of view – a psychopath who is a killer will literally kill someone – most sociopaths do not kill, but at the end they can literally ‘kill’ you in another sense. In their mind they think that this is justified – as 2 things are important

      Being in control

      You ask for help – how do you know he is saying these things? Remove yourself from him and his life. Set up and establish no contact and stick to it. It will be painful at first – but the longer that you stick with no contact the silence will force you to focus on you. Focus on your healing and recovery.

  13. @positivegirl I have removed myself from his life. his babys mother text me at random from a google number and it is still unclear as to how she got my number in the first place. I dont know why she keeps bringing my name up in their feuds when i have nothing to do with him and he is in a new relationship that she claims he is so happy in.

  14. What blows me away is there are women that are actually willing to put up with the sociopath and basically will take them anyway they can, how sad is that.

    1. Do you think so Corrie? I don’t think that it is actually willing to put up with it. I think that it is more that the sociopath is quite manipulative and deceptive. They play huge mind games. Also – they can be (to your face) very nice very kind very caring and incredibly charming. We are not talking about narcissists here – but sociopaths – who are charismatic. It can therefore be confusing for the victim who is left confused and stunned by what has happened. Unless you have experienced it, it might be difficult to understand?

      1. I suppose you are right, I am a victim of a sociopath and I myself, Almost fell for his charm but found out there where 2 other women and it crushed me and I found myself thinkibg I could do this but new it was wrong and its been the hardest thing for me to do is walk away because I need that closure and I loved him very much but I know I’m a far better person but its also not been easy either its been about a MONTH or so.

  15. I have been dating someone like this for almost two years. I recently starting realizing that he is a sociopath. The signs were there but I thought he was “different” so I overlooked them. I know I should have trusted my gut but I’m glad I woke up before it’s too late. He claims to be a loving father but had to be taken to court for child support. I feel sorry for his children . He told his children’s mother if she want him to spend more time with their two sons then she should lower his payment so he won’t havent to work so many hours and have more time for them. I now know that love don’t hurt and to not pay attention to what people say but what they do. He will never change because he does not see a need to do so. He wanted me to have his baby. I really think that was his way of ending our relationship but a baby will secure his return . He is the most evil person I’ve ever met and it is scary that people like this exist.

  16. I agree, they can seem very evil. ive just broken up with my sociopath after 3 years. I simply couldnt take anymore. Im lucky that I have strong support from family & friends so eventually saw the light after giving him way too many chances. If I didnt have my family & friends, I know he would have driven me crazy. I was heading there. The lies, pretence, manipulation and treatment was just dispicable. Yet he had the charm to get away with it. Until I saw his true colours. I always condoned his behaviour as “immature” but told myself at least he doesnt “cheat”. He always told me he would never do that, as an ex had done it on me before. Then after suspecting something, I listened to voice messages on his phone and heard something to the contrary. Of course he denies all, and Ive apparently made up this voice message just to “start an argument”. Yep like I always do! Always my fault! he will actually make up stuff to dilude himself into believing that he does no wrong, then try to convince me that is the true series of events. As if I would believe his bull over what I hear with my own ears and see with my own eyes! when that doesnt work, he would leave for days/weeks on end, saying I just want to start arguments. Then come back with empty promises and even more charm until the pattern repeated itself again and again. I work with him so its hard, as he is very manipulative and I do worry about the consequences. However, I think my true friends in work will see through him, and I am trying not to care about everyone else.

    Ladies. No more! who the HELL do they think they are?? what gives them the right? We have. After the many many chances. They know who to chose when theyre being predatory. Loads of people tried to tell me, red flags flying everywhere, I chose not to see them. Feeling sorry for him, wanting it to work, wanting to believe what he was saying, wanting his validation so badly and the way he could make me feel in the good times. But now I realise I was more dilusional than he ever was. To ever ever believe that he could be capable of anything more than pure parasitical selfishness and emotional cruelty.

    Run for the hills I say. And dont text, email, phone or have anything to do with any of them if possible. If you have kids with them I say let a friend/family member be there when he is collecting the children instead of you. At least for the first while. We all deserve better than this and the only way to go is up from here, as this is the lowest of the low.

    Love yourself more than you love him.


  17. they fear facing the truth so much they have to run and hide when confronted. the righteous are as bold as a lion, but the wicked flee when no man chases them. if they give us a true answer for why they left then they would have to admit what they are. they even believe their own lies many times after telling themselves the lie so much. looking in the mirror is impossible for the devil and his children because they will see absolute void and death and hell. they run from the light because the darkness has to flee when the light is shinning. the only people they keep around are the ignorant and nieve people they control with pity.

      1. Firstly I just want to THANK YOU all for sharing this as all of this helped immensely. I never knew such things existed…..I was with my boyfriend for 9 years, since I was 16. At first he was too good to be true, like all traits show. my parents on the other hand hated him, didn’t matter at the time though. Being the only child my family finally decided to warm up to him after 5 years later or so, this is when things I started meeting him on a regular basis being at university and all and started to notice the changes well more like the changes that was always there but I never knew. I guess deep with I knew something wasn’t right. Anyway we decided to get married( dump part on my side) and my parents had paid for everything being a huge wedding it cost my parents alot and just 7 days before he had a fight with me for reasons I still don’t know and cancelled.
        I decided to leave the country but he would not let me be swooped back by his lies and charming ways I gave him a chance. I moved in with him and then found out he cheated on me with 16 different girls just that year alone. at this point he raped me and tried to keep me in his life….he was very abusive physically and mentally to a point where I thought I deserved it. obviously I did not tell this to my life as I did not want to hear ” I told you so”. then I found out I was pregnant and I was happy as If felt I will have my own little family and it wouldn’t matter if he was around or not as I was more than ca[able to support myself. As I had been and also paid for his car the bills, mortgage and gave him pocket money. when I told him the news he flipped he told to either have an abortion as he was not ready to have a kid which I thought was f’d up its not like his body was changing in any way or that he supported me financially. so he threatened to have a n abortion or he will leave..I was like fine you can go at this point he beat me up which resulted me having a miscarriage and he did not even bother to pick me up from the hospital. At this point I was done and in a weeks time I had found myself another place and the day before I was moving out he obviously was begging and pleading promises and all like usual ..same old routine, heard it all before anyway he left telling me he was going to tell his parents. I have no idea what made me follow him that day but I am so glad I did as that is the day I caught with a prostitute and ofcourse this surely wasn’t his first or last time either….

        I cant thank you enough for putting this info out there, it has helped in so many ways that it is pointless to even expect him to ever tell me WHY???? I hurt everyday…all I knew was him in terms of being with a guy….I grew up with him and have all these memories and its like I lived a lie. I have no idea what he really meant or was it all just nothing for him…lol later one would seem correct. Its been 8 months since I left and only a month where he hasn’t tried to stalk or contact me..yes it hurts and yes I feel angry at myself for still feeling like I love him but I know I will never go back there again!!

        To everyone out there if you have someone like him..PLEASE leave…as they do not change, as much as we cling to that hope that they will..THEY WONT!

        And yes I do blame myself for some decisions I made when my family and friends all told me so but all i can say I really believed he would change as he always so good at telling me so….
        I am thankful to my family and friends as without their constant reassurance and support it would be impossible to let go.

        Thank you to all for sharing and to this site.

      2. Hi par,welcome to the site. Thank you for sharing your story. What an awful time you have been through. I am so sorry that you lost your baby too. That must have hurt. Also for this to happen to you so young in life. I am so pleased that you got out. That you are safe and well. Welcome to the site 🙂

      3. Congratulations on leaving, when you did!! RULE NUMBER ONE, if my daddy doesn’t like you, your out. I can recall like yesterday my father plainly telling me, “sweetie, don’t marry THAT boy he will destroy your life”. My hopeful, in love answer “oh no daddy, I love him, we will be married forever”. In hell, is more like it, we have 2 children, and $100,000’s of debt, attorney’s fees etc. later. 😡! Your family will always protect you. (Most people, my mother is another story).

  18. Hello,
    For the past two years with two brief break ups I believe I was dating a sociopath. He met me as I was going thru my divorce. I am also a single mom of two kids. He has gotten almost my entire savings of $6,000 . He abused me horribly. Calling me names , belittling me and berating me. The highs and lows were killing me. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and told him everything I thought of all he did and he told me he was sick of me and that I expected too much and he was done. He also told me to stay away. He took so much from me. He has no idea it is everything. I see he gets whatever he can for free and will only work part time. People on the outside think he is great, they should only know. I did send him an email last week and he did not answer. I started seeing a counselor for abuse. We have had two break ups and he always appears out of nowhere to start up again. I am so worn out and crying all of the time. I had no closure. I feel so betrayed. I just don’t know what to do.

    1. Hi heather. You will never get closure from the sociopath. They only do things if it is in their interests. So what they do is walk leaving the door open so that they can return if and when they want to. This is a game that sociopaths play. The way to stop this and to stop the pain is to take back control of your life establish no contact. You take the control. You then have to go through a period of time where it is painful but it is worth it in the end. He is not respecting you or treating you as he should. But you can treat you good. He isn’t going to change. Block him. Block social networking block his phone number block email. You can do this and ultimately it will help you to feel better. He might not have the capacity to love you (or anyone else) but you do have the capacity to love yourself. To treat yourself like your own best friend. If a good friend told this story what would you advise her to do?

  19. After 30 years of marriage and 3 kids i finally got the courage to ask for a divorce and left the house, i couldn’t take it anymore.I thought I will be free finally, but it’s been 2 years that i am fighting in court to get that divorce so i can have my life back and forget about him, but he is giving us very hard time with it!!! He manages to manipulates his lawyer, the judge his family everyone around him and me. I dont know what to do anymore to end that abuse and manipulation.He works outside the country and make belief that he has no more money to pay alimony and child support, we put the house for sale so we can have each one his share but he is doing everything he can to convince the court that he put the 60% down payment on the house from his premarital saving and i should only get the 50% of the 40% that comes from the sale of the house.
    Even thought I won in court all the auditions and the trial and judgement is in my favor, he flew back the the country he works at and says that he cannot pay me as he is penny less and will pay from his share later from the sale of the house.
    Unfortunately these days with the economy the market is down and we haven’t had 1 offer yet, and now I am paying all the bills of 2 homes !!!! my personal rent and expenses where i moved out and all the bills that the empty house is generating!!!
    PS i havent been in direct contact with him for more than 2 years!! So even when you leave a sociopath and try to go far from him he still manage to manipulate and control the situation!!!
    Any advise how can I end this definitely?? Help!!

    1. Is there any negotiation to be able to drop the price of the property to just get rid of the tie? I guess that would depend how much your mortgage is? I could see him getting money from the house and not paying you anything though. if he could get away with it.

      I owned a house. I really needed to sell it. I had lived there for 15 years. But i wouldn’t sell for less than it was worth. I guess i was focused on not losing money. Eventually I was having a baby, and as the house needed repair, I decided to sell for a financial loss… just to get rid of the house, so that I could have a warm home for my child. It didn’t matter as financial security for my child was more important at the time. (I didn’t know that she would die weeks after I sold).

      But you know, although I lost all that money (I sold at end of 09 when prices were crashing) and now I am in rented and prices are through the roof. I couldn’t afford to buy now. But – the most important thing was the peace of mind it gave me. I just felt better by letting it go (I sold for around 40 50k less than it was worth, and now 4 years later, I actually sold for 100k less than it was worth. Do I regret it? NO… it was worth it to get rid of a house that cost so much to maintain. My stress levels dropped significantly, and I feel a lot better where I live now, even though I don’t own it.

    2. The biggest lesson that I learned…. is that there is more important things in life than money. What you hold onto – is what ties you, if you can, just let it go. Trust that it might be the best thing to do.

      1. I am not holding onto the money or the house, the court ordered to sell the house and each gets his share that’s the law, and it is a million dollar house!! I did lower the price already 3 times and still no offer is made. I have 3 children that I support and I will not give him the pleasure to leave me pennyless, cause that what he wants. He has lots of other assets.
        Anyway my point was that as long as we are not divorce and even if he is leaving in another country he is still managing to manipulate the court, lawyers etc.. that is what sad!!! everyone is saying dont get in touch with him, run far away, no contact with him etc….Good I am doing that and like I said previously it’s been 2 years with NO Contact at all unless through the lawyers and he is still managing to manipulate and control the divorce, he doesn’t care or fear the law and never followed any judgment!!!
        even at one point his own lawyer asked be dismissed from his case and he had to get another one as she couldn’t deal with him anymore!!

      2. Is there anyway that you could rent the house out until it is sold?

        This could take the pressure off making two payments for two houses? And would free you to get on with your life, and you could rent meantime. Just an idea?

        Otherwise as long as you are tied to them, they will continue to play their games and this could go on for sometime. I was thinking about the damage limitation and minimising the stress for you. It also enables YOU to take back some control of your life, for you too. Which is important.

  20. Does anyone ever feel suicidal after being in a so-called relationship with these people? My experience was 14 months, but the things he said to me no man ever said. The way he touched me no man ever has. Our intimacy was “fantastic” as he said, and the best ever. It would last for hours because we could not stop being together like that. It was intoxicating and erotic. I fell hard for him. He even said to his father that he spent hours making love to me. Yes, the same man that supposedly abused him terribly as a young boy.

    From the beginning I had pangs of warnings or red flags that haunted me. I chose to stay in it or if I broke up the breakup would last a couple minutes to a few hours, but I was the one to make the phone call and we would go back to what we were again. I had been manipulated or brainwashed to feel I needed to be with him and only him.

    When we were in public he would always stare at other women. I am fit, attractive, and get lots of attention, but it didn’t matter, he was always on the prowl. At his country club I was his “girl” and he carried himself proudly in front of the members as I was at his side. However, if we were at the bar in one of the various rooms of the country club or even at another public location he would look around like a rooster to find a woman to hone in on. He would position himself so he could stare at them, but still look at me. It didn’t always matter what the women looked like, maybe they had big fake boobs, he would stare. His eyes always stared. Once as he said he loved me, he was staring at another woman over my shoulder. I was not respected, I was taken for granted, I was no longer “the hunted” because he captured me. I remember once after having sex saying to him that the honeymoon was over and he did look shocked and sorta hurt and said “no, no, no”. Later as I was reading all the material on the Internet about the socio/psychopath characteristics (and he is both) I learned when the honeymoon stage fades the sociopath becomes a more serious preditor and gets ready for his next Girlfriend Victim – who is the woman who is in the forefront that he parades around. Socio and/or psychopaths hate to be alone.

    Always, always he had a string of women he kept in touch with, had lunch with, met women for the first time and ask their status, and claimed he had business lunches and would end with kissing women — who the hell kisses men on business lunches???? I have never met any, or maybe they never kiss and tell? How disgusting, how unprofessional, how that made me feel stupid and duped. These women had to have known he had a girlfriend. Are these women other sociopaths too? They should just stick to their kind, but that is no fun!! They have to play the sick game of capturing their prey. That is the whole “high” for them. That high comes from normal people.

    This guy is a CEO, no not a big Fortune 500 CEO, just a small business owner, but he uses that as a ploy to lure in the women. Women love money and power. Sure, he hops around as I have found out now that it is over. He claimed to me that his reputation was impeccable, but quite the contrary to my discovery, he is considered a low life male whore.

    When he met me, he sized me up, gathered his data, and I fit the victim status perfectly. I was new in town, a single mom, educated, classy, a bit standoffish which made his hunt exciting, then he went in for the kill. I didn’t really investigate him until after a year and it was not hard to find out about him. He was shocked about what I found out.

    He had left his wife of 25 years for his step-sister!!! The two of them continued their relationship after his divorce, she must have been a minor when it began. His friends said she was nothing to write home about, but they were together for a couple years. He made very direct claims that his wife is bipolar and a real mental mess and that is why he left her. I saw her pictures on FB and she is a happy woman who has been with the same man for years and is seen in her man’s arms in all photos and the great trips they have had together. She got a couple million out of the deal, so she is happy! The socio lied and spreads this about her. I even spoke with a friend of hers and the friend immediately said the ex-wife is an amazing woman and that is when I learned that he left her for his step-sibling – I didn’t even know he had a step sister!

    Another thing he looks at his daughter like he could have sex with her, doesn’t she see that? Maybe she does and likes it. Both her and her brother suffer from something, their minds are not right. The socio also loves looking at little girls and talking about how cute they are. Not interested in little boys and playing ball, just little girls at how they look and talk. He loved looking at 20 something year olds and getting their attention. He is 50.

    I am struggling to forget all that, all what I know, all that I went through, and all the love making. I am struggling knowing I was with someone who faked everything, that all of it was fake – it was not real!! I guess he actually orgasmed, can’t fake that. I struggle knowing that there were many women behind the scenes the whole time – even possibly the step sister is still one of them.

    I can’t treat people like that, so I am struggling to think that someone could treat me this way. Of course I gave my whole self; mind, body, and soul to this guy. I was celebant for years waiting for the right man to trust with my body and I was used and abused by him. Even though I dumped him – he didn’t come back to me – I was discarded and replaced very fast. I meant nothing to him. I only served a purpose for his supply.

    So for those of you out there who are now damaged, I wanted to share with you my story and the impact it leaves when they are no longer in our lives. Even though we know they are very evil people with an antisocial personality disorder that is untreatable, we still have to deprogram our minds from their sickness. Professionals will say “we let them do this to us”. Perhaps. But for most of society, these mentally disturbed members walk amongst us, work with us, shop with us, maybe even are our physicians. They have not been exposed! The public keeps them hush hush. Why? I am determined to educate people about them. Their characteristics need to be publicized so we can recognize them. We all want to be loved – they prey on our feelings because they do not have feelings of love, compassion, empathy, or a conscious of their own! They are really very miserable people and mimic us normal people, but because they are so mentally ill they cannot fake it for very long, it wears them out. Their socio or insanity starts to become visible and they get sloppy with hiding what they are doing behind our backs. My socio became like a robot with its wiring all wet and he sputtered and flickered. Then I exposed him.

    When that happened he became a different person. The real him was visible. Maybe because I am in counseling, I wanted to see him crack under pressure allowing me to see all of what he is. I wanted to see the insanity. But…..I stayed in too long and the mental damage took its toll on me.

    Presently, I am working very hard to regain myself, writing this finally after spending two months of reading all of your comments is somehow helping me. Sorta like therapy. I know I can’t keep reliving it, otherwise I will never be healed. I have heard at minimum it takes a year to get ourselves back. So I will have lost precious time from the insanity of this man. I asked his son why he did not warn me. He did not respond, but the socio dad told me that his son was experiencing a mental breakdown. I do not know if what I said triggered his son’s thinking, but if it did then maybe he felt guilty because I told his son that I loved him and cared about him. His socio dad probably told him never to contact me or respond. His socio dad is probably spreading rumors about me like he did his ex-wife.

    Why us? Well……never ever let insane people like this come into our lives again. We must know boundaries. Never answer all their questions – ask them questions. They will be lies if they are socios so be able to recognize these people – protect yourself – if they move too fast they are probably socio and/or psychopaths. Get away from them – stop the pattern of these individuals coming into your life.

    The pain and memories hopefully will subside, but will never go away. Abuse never goes away. That socio did a number to my mind.
    Healing from this is very difficult. Sure I considered ending my life. Why? Because of the pain knowing he is with someone else over these holidays, laughing, partying, holding each other while I am alone with my son and sad. I try not to be, but it is very difficult.

    Thank you for reading.

    1. My story is very similar to yours—except my soc is not a professional, but a common criminal. You may feel alone with your son and be lonely that you’re not being held, but not being held by this particular “person” is a blessing. Anyone who willingly will mind-*&^% then leave you without comment, explanation or apology is less than not worthy, they are a danger to themselves and society.

      I feel like it’s time we stopped glamorizing the sex/feigned affection. If it is merely a reflection of us (mirrored), it is not any more REAL than any other interaction with a sociopath. It is not special or meaningful, it is simply rubbing body parts. It only seems special because the soc was able to figure out better what you want… the same things a normal partner can learn about you over time, by the way.

      The next victim will be having different, but “good” sex with the soc instead of you, yes. He/she will also be getting the psychological mind-*&^% of their lives, be disregarded (ever had the soc ignore or neglect you when you were sick, or during a holiday?), and probably be financially jacked or ruined.

      It’s time for all of us to understand that what seems like “good” sex is not affection, it is merely another tool in the sociopathic toolbox to enslave… and it is not worth the trade offs (and I use that plurally on purpose, as there will be trade offs you may not even know about).

  21. Hi Jusagurl,

    What do you mean by tradeoffs? Something to do with their “supply”?

    I figured he used me for experience since I was older than him, he did lack in some sex skills. I look younger than him and at first meeting him I was not attracted to him, his conning and manipulation is what lured me into his sickness. You are right that he has already forgotten our time together. He always called our sex: making love, let’s make love, we need our closeness time, our closeness is the best in the whole world, no two people are as close as we are. blah blah blah. It meant everything to me, probably because I had not been with a man in years and I thought it was beautiful.

    It meant nothing to him.

    People that know me sensed something about him, I feel stupid now. I wish people (even men) would have said to me “you know how he always touches you in public is not really affection” or “how he is always touching you is not normal” especially from a man his age. My son was even bothered by his touching me all the time and kissing me. I never did PDA with other men in my life, but I loved this guy (I am trying to not love him anymore) and thought PDA was okay after six months. I figured he was going to be in my life forever and did not care if he wanted to show his affection – so I thought. He even came to my gym twice to show that I was his property, but he made sure he stared at other women working out. I did not allow him back again, that is my time to get destressed and he stressed me out with his presence.

    I honestly do not know how many women he was with while I was in this situation. I know there were a lot. I have to learn to hate him to get past him. I know people say, you must learn to forgive. I will forgive that he is insane. He is a functional, college educated, excellent golfer, and successful business owner who has no conscience, no ability to love except himself, feels no compassion, and no guilt.

    One thing he did say to me when I was screaming at him the last time together (he remained calm) was “we do not love the same way”. The last two months as I was figuring him out he dropped hints to me that he was mentally disturbed. He knows what he is. He gave himself a two-month window to really hone in on, pick up at bars, who knows where he gets his supply, but he needed a new victim to be his next GF (still keeping the other string of females in his phone for whatever supply they are good for) but the new GF would be so he would not be alone during the holidays.

    Amazing at how fast he gets women. I don’t get men like that. I am so particular (okay I screwed up with him, but I was naive), I cannot just go get a new man and have sex with him. I think women are so eager to be involved they will jump at these opportunities.

    I did have a couple of men try to become my BF right after the socio, but when I quickly put an end to their fast game, they became angry and mean. So men prey on vulnerable women and the socio game is very prevalent. At least I recognized the characteristics and blocked those two men. They were two more cheaters and liars.

    I need time to heal. I hope I can trust again.

  22. I’m coming from the other side of this problem… I’m a sociopath. I hurt people, use them for whatever gain I can, then move on. I keep each of my trophies on the hook with occasional love letters, complimenting the traits they most hate (usually flabby arms), lying and cheating. Is there ANY way to be a normal person? I DO have feelings, and I want to give at least one person a decent boyfriend…. Wtf do I do? I DON’T WANT TO BE A SOCIOPATH!

  23. Thanks so much for sharing your stories. Helps me clear my mind when I began to miss my sociopathic ex boyfriend who took a piece of me. Im working hard with the grace of God to win myself back! And combat evil. No where to go but up from this nightmare!!

  24. I realized couple of years back that my life time of trauma, anxiety, fear over 35 years, was the outcome of a sociopath mother. That is not something one wants to wake up to. Clearly I am paying some karmic debt. It became clear why I was attracted to similar people and got myself ruined over and over again. Last time i got dumped (which we eventually will be when being with a sociopath) i fell into an emotional abyss. Some other power was holding me. I cannot remember the world around me just the one within. And I think I want to mention here what I realized for the benefit of others – my inner voice stated very clearly ‘ always love yourself more than anyone else can’. No matter how many ‘I lover you’s you get, be the one to love yourself more than what another can. Am still hurting and i get anxiety and panic attacks, i havent been able to get a job or date or get married or even have friends, but the heart never lies, i listen to it and it shows me what others are trying to hide. Best wishes.

  25. Ok so I experienced a lot of what everyone else has been saying. It really is almost like we all were with the same man. Pathological liar, cheater, charismatic, big ego, con-artist, drug addict. I could go on but I won’t. I have never been so deeply hurt by anyone ever in my life. I look back now and I say to myself how did I not listen to my inner gut instincts…how could I have been so naive to his lies and schemes. So here’s how the story goes…well the story from my eyes. The real truth I will never know ever. His life was one big web of lies but coming I to the mix not knowing the real him, he painted a beautiful picture of himself and all the women before me he made to look like monsters. His ex wife he made out to look like a phsyco that would never let him see his kids and break down his front door and crash into his car on purpose just because she wanted him back and well he was with me. This is all bullshit! He was sleeping with her telling her a different set of lies and promises he was telling me. Then there was the girl he cheated on with his ex wife whom he got pregnant. He claimed that she was just a fuck that he happened to get pregnant and had a baby with. That was bullshit! She was very much part of his life behind my back also. Telling her a whole other set of lies! Then there was his partner who was his “best friend” she was so unattractive I actually believed that he would never sleep with her. Not to mention she lived in the same house as is with her boyfriend. Boy was I wrong….with her it was the worst because we were all close. She lived with us! Plus she was kinda gross so it really damaged my ego when he finally left me to be with her. She even lied about them being together too. Thinking back I always had that feeling about the two of them, and I could never figure out why she hated me so much. As time progressed throughout our relationship things started to go more and more downhill he revealed himself more and more. First the drugs I found out about, then I started to get red flags everywhere. Toothbrushes with lipstick in bathroom, hair clips, underwear in my draws! All the signs were there…did I leave! NOPE! I loved him and he supposedly loved me too ahahahaha! Not capable! I think the hardest thing for me with this man was that I never got the truth out of him! I flat out caught him with text messages of his “best friend” telling him how much she loved him and how they were lovers and he still denied it. The funny part is that I know he’s using her. Everyone knows….he’s in jail now by the way. He still has his ex wife, best friend, baby momma mistress visiting him in jail. A mutual friend of ours was in jail for something minor and I went to visit. A year and half after our relationship had ended this is all happening by the way. I go to visit this friend and I run into him and the babymother I’m the visiting area. This was by no means planned. He was pissed though, i think because I was friends with his friend, and visiting him. He was shocked when he saw me his face dropped and he was so upset like I just ruined his whole day. That was the only form of satisfaction I got from this whole thing. Point is that I can’t get over the pain and hurt that this guy did to me when he betrayed me all of those times. He made it like he was going to marry me, kids, crazy about me. I was crazy in love with him. It’s been two years and I don’t know if I’m still in love with him but I think about him every damn day…I think about visiting him in jail and trying to talk to him
    Face to face for closure, but then I come to my senses. I just want to know why he did what he did? How he really feels? What went wrong? The pain that I feel is real everyday and some days worse than others. I feel like there’s a block on my life from this like I can’t be happy till I am over this or get some sort of closure and something is telling me to reach out to him to try to make sense of it. It’s been two years it has never taken me this long to get over a boyfriend an I was only with him a year. I had boyfriends of 3 years I got over in a couple months. I am still so angry that sometimes I can’t sleep at night. I think back of lies he told and scenarios I run over and over in my head saying I should have done this or this. I have written him a box full of letters that I will never send. He doesn’t deserve it. The problem is that I’m letting him have control over my life. He doesn’t know it but I’m suffering because of him. I just want to be happy again. I want to learn how I can let go of the past and accept it for what it was and forget it ever happened. I’m thinking getting professional help is the answer. I need advice, what kind of psychologist should I see and do u have any recommendations?

  26. One more thing…I feel as though I have lost myself and ever since we broke up I been trying to get back to the me that existed before this happened to me. I feel like the only way I will ever get over this asshole is to fall in love with someone else…but sometimes I feel like no one else compares to the way I felt when I was with him…of course before he became the devil…I swear one time I looked at him and he looked like a predator…such a weird feeling came over me like I looked Into his soul and I just got a sense of ugliness. Pretty creepy for someone I loved. Ugh

  27. So thankful to find your blogs. The Badd man is like an addiction crazy stuff! He smears my reputation and I’m still empathic ! Giving everything I have left to stop all communication ! He is very angry just now I saw the warning signs before he was able to finish his plan. Sometimes I think the Badd man killing me would have been better than the humiliation ! I have my money but gave my heart to a sociopath ! Without Love who are we?

    1. Hey Blondie, this is a sign of a true empath. I too am one. I still don’t hate. This poem helped me. I hope that it helps you too x

      Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
      Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
      You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
      Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
      Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
      While all around you are but pawns for your own use.
      Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
      In reality I watch as your psychosis gradually worsen.
      The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
      Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
      The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
      Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
      But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
      I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
      You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
      And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.
      Lucy Godden

  28. Forget it. A “closure” is neither needed nor means anything, for there never was a relationship. only a delusion thereof; yes, this is a key: psychopaths/sociopaths live (in) their delusions… their actual reality is just to have some base (a place to stay – as a parazite. usually) as necessity, meaning nothing… and so are “relations” (if that).

  29. How to get my violent narcissistic sociopath BF to discard me ? He’s still being nice and “love bombing” to me I have no reason to just break up with him without pissing him off. I want him to break up with me because I’m afraid of what he can do if I dump him and he gets mad at me. He seems obsessed with me right now I’m sure he doesn’t want me gone. I think he thinks I’m “the one” who will grow old with him and accept and love him unconditionally. I can do that if he’s not the selfish rude and violent sociopath that he is. And Unfortunately for him I noticed already what kind of person he is even though he’s still in the honeymoon phase with me. Lucky for me I searched the net when I got confused why he’s acting so arrogant and full of himself. I found out his narcissistic. And then I read more. Now I’m convinced he’s a full blown sociopath or psychopath with all the textbook traits. I’m not sure if he’s born with it or made by a traumatic childhood.

    1. Become boring and let yourself go…. become nothing an empty space. Don’t react to anything at all. Switch off, look like shit…. soon, he will move on himself! Let him think that this is all his idea. BUT if he is violent towards you, you really should get out as soon as possible, make a safe exit plan. it doesn’t matter if he was born with it, or as a result of a traumatic childhood – the truth is the outcome is the same.

  30. I chased away MR from Jacksonville, FL by using the Gray Rock Technique. It was difficult because he loved bombed me real good with all of his fake promises that never materialized. He even used my son as an object in his game with me, but my son saw through him early and absolutely loathes him. My friends saw through the game and so did my son’s high school friends, they all told me to get away from him. His reputation in Jacksonville is deplorable and everyone knows he is a drunk, liar, cheater, conman, and has ruined lives. He also likes looking at little girls. I know so much now when I think of him I get nauseous.

    The love bombing stage is the most dangerous because “the hook” is what the evils are after. “The Hook” represents control over their victim and then the victim becomes their controlled puppet. It is what makes us addicted to them.

    Remember, they view their “hooked” victims as stupid, the ones that get away (out of the web) they see as smart. This was confirmed to me by a narcissist psychopath who is an attorney, he says they all seek out the stupid ones who can’t see what is actually happening to them and that is what makes the mind control game more fun. They can do whatever the hell they want behind that person’s back because their “hooked object” is stupid.

    Go to Lovefraud.com and look up the article “The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths”. The third paragraph is what I applied in order to get MR to find a new target, and when I found female hairs in his bed and on him after he just told me he wished I was moving in with him is when I knew he had hooked someone else. It was awful, and I developed PTSD, but I also knew it was for my own good to be set free.

    It’s funny to read what I wrote back in December, 2013 about how our sex life was so good. It was all I had to compare it with from several years without, I was saving myself for the right man, damn that is when I get mad at myself! I did not climax with that idiot because my emotions were not into it, I always knew something was wrong. I faked it with him. The only thing I liked was the touching.

    To protect your sanity get yourself out of the mind control Hell.

    All of it is disgusting. We need laws in the U.S. asap to get these pieces of shit off the streets.

  31. Well folks, labeling people,with all kinds of psychological terms is well and dandy. My ex, bi polar 1 diagnosed, PTSD, and so on. None of it matters. Just look at them as what they really are. A shit. Be glad they are gone. Let it go as soon as you can. Awake each day and chase the abuse out of your head. Do not seek retribution. Sure, it’s normal to be heartbroken and it does take time to get past the trauma of living with a shit. They have poisoned you. Purge them and move on. With effort you can.
    When one spends 20 years with a pathologically lying, stealing, whoring, neglectful mother, pill popping drunk floozy, five year old selfish, shit, it will make you crazy. You see, they are just rotten people. Nothing more. Forgive yourself for trying. Forgive yourself for your own contribution to the misery. They are not worth your time. It’s that simple. Good luck and do know that you are actually stronger for what you have endured. In time, you will find love and peace. I did, so will you and I was in the deepest pit of despair. I spent months thinking a piece of lead in my noggin was the only way out. It wasn’t. So don’t do that. It is true that once the toxicity is far away that you start to heal up. So hang tough. Clean the shit out of your life. And trust me, they will continue to crash and burn. It is very true that the one thing these shits fear most….being exposed for what they actually are. Once I exposed my shit, well let’s just say it was like an old country song played backwards. I got my house back, my long lost love back, my kids back, my money back, my dogs back, and even my pick up truck back. EXPOSURE is what they fear most. So if your in an ugly divorce situation, hire a PI. Get a good lawyer. When their lies begin to unravel one by one they will jump at an opportunity to sign away virtually everything in exchange for not letting their new love interest see what they really are, nor having the court record available for all to see. True story, and not my problem anymore. Hallelujah:) Get mean. Get down and dirty. Do what it takes, but extract this pile of fecal matter from your life. They aren’t some psychological term,they are just plain and simple, turds. You WILL feel better.

  32. Hi, my relationship didn’t last very long to be honest about 6 weeks. We got talking through my daughters school and started I thought was a friendship for about 5 months before it became seal. It was a weird sort of mind playing friendship, making out he wanted to be more than friends and he really liked me , life is better with me in it.. He would send dirty pics of himself to me and want one in return….He seemed to talk an awful lot and his stories where mental, seemed a bit exaggerated. He would always put his ex wife down, he use to have a bought house (turned out it was a private let) he said the car she had belonged to him and he left it to her to help with his kids. That also turned out to be a mobility car.. any way when this dysfunctional relationship ended. He ended it!!! That’s when he started to became nasty saying I was crazy , ugly, fat , and he used me cause he could…couldn’t believe how he changed so quickly a mean I didn’t say or do anything to make him say they things.. I had to move jobs because he would turn up there and try and cause bother make stuff up about me. I suppose I just want to know does this person have sociopathic traits???? He is still with the girl he cheated on with me has a family but yet every so often will stick the finger up at me and my partner in front of his girlfriend… why can’t he move on and leave me alone??

    1. They rarely let their victims go. Even when they have met someone else often they reach out to an ex when current supply is coming to an end. They like to feel in control and to have dominance and power over another.

  33. Wow! Thanks for all this information. I have dealt with what i believe to be a sociopath. Afterwards i was left feeling worthless and like i wasn’t good enough. Still feel like this. I’ve been seeing a therapist and after telling the details of my recent 6 month ordeal she asked if i knew what a sociopath was? At first I didn’t know too much about them but based on her explanation and whAt i’ve read online…he fits the description. I started dating this guy earlier this year. Very first date he said he’d been single for a year. I asked why he said well i guess no one wants to date an OTR truck driver because i’m gone a lot. He told me he had been married twice the last one lasted 11 years and his reason for the divorce was “we grew apart” i believed him. He was Very charming, good looking, and the chemistry seemed instant. He called and texted a lot always ready to take me out again. After about 2 months he says he loves me and he’s in love and no one makes him feel like i do, where have i been all his life,etc. i was always sweetheart, baby, his angel, etc.

    Things progressed on but after about 4 months something just didn’t feel right. When the weekends came he was very distant to me i’d text and wouldn’t get a response for 3-4 hours. He’d mentioned all these things early on like going on a cruise going different places but none of it happened!! We spent only 3 weekends together in 6 months. So my suspicions took me to facebook. He doesn’t have a page but his brother does so i looked at the brothers friends list and saw a woman in a picture with the guy i was dating. I viewed her page and there were a lot more photos of him and her. So mr. I’ve been single for a year has been seeing this woman for over a year and from what her page says they are ENGAGED! I instantly felt sick. I confronted him and asked who she was and his first response was ” i don’t know who that is” then i said well i have pictures of u and her from FB and her page says ya’ll are engaged. So then he said I’m jumping to conclusions and they used to be engaged but not anymore and she didn’t even have a ring. Well in her photos i see a ring! He kept saying he wanted to explain and would when he got back in town from work but he never came back to do this. Shortly after i confronted him he claimed to have lost his phone. He called me after this while blocking his number giving me the story about how he lost the phone then poof i never heard from him again. I think he changed his number. Its been a month now and since he’s been gone i’ve found out so many things about him and his past. This is a 46 year old. He has 4 kids by 4 different women 2 of which he had while married!!!! Three of them are under age 15 and he barely spends time with them. He’s been in trouble with the law several times. From traffic offenses, open containers, stealing a car!!! He also had an online dating profile saying he was single and looking. I had tickets to a show and he cancelled and said he had to work and i see in fb that he was with this woman on that day… Liar!!!! He is engaged to this woman. She has wedding registry’s set up. Why wouldn’t he just admit this???? Is what i ask myself. What did i do to him to deserve this ?? Nothing!! He’s done this before to several women even his wife of 11 years if 2 of his kids were born during that time. He always told me the women from his past were insecure and crazy as if he was the victim. This will be his fourth marriage. He told me he had only been married twice before but thats a lie! I should be glad he disappeared but i’m still hurting and in counseling as a result. I had feelings for a “lie” and it hurts!!! I even felt like he changed his number because he’s going to “change” for her and she’s the lucky one but this is ridiculous thinking especially since he has this deceitful womanizing pattern. This is where i struggle in my healing!!!! Thinking he’s cured but he’s already lied to her. The times he was with me I’m sure he told her he was on the road working. Just wish the hurt would stop!

  34. Closure….. Does this ever happen? Nearly 15 months down the line,I’m still fighting a battle. Maybe if it wasn’t for me fighting for what’s rightly mine,I’d have just gave up.
    It’s gone legal,and he hates that,so now I have him playing mind games ,not only with me,but solicitors as well.
    My solicitor has seen his numerous emails of threats and control,and says he’s more psychopath .
    I met someone in June,taking it slow,as I’m worried. Not that this new person is in anyway SP,but it’s hard accepting a person who doesn’t want to control me.
    So… I keep fighting,that’s all I can do,and hopefully karma will find a way to my ex.
    Angry,confused,I think I’ve been through just about every emotion since leaving.
    Some days I want to just tell him to keep everything,all I want back is my parents things,photos etc. Things I can’t re capture.
    Some people might say,they’re materialistic,but why should he have them all.
    He’s just a venomous hateful person,behind that smirking smile.
    A wolf in sheeps clothing!!!!

  35. I was dating a sociopath for a few months. He told me his girlfriends don’t last long I asked him why he said he gets bored and walks. He moved things so quickly wanted to make us official after three dates. To cut a long story short he walked out on me when I confronted him on a lie he just said it’s been nice knowing you and ran out the door. I tried calling him and had to force a call back from him he was abusive and blamed me for ruining the relationship. I also want closure feel broken and can’t make any sense of anything.

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