Exploiting your weaknesses, will make you weak, and easier to control!
When you meet the sociopath, you might have already experienced events which have made you weak, or alternatively you might be strong with a lot to offer (and a lot to take) . Whichever situation you were in, you would have noticed that within a very short time of being with a sociopath, that he did all that he could to either keep you weak, or to disarm you, and weaken you.
You might start out in the beginning, either hoping to rebuild yourself, and your life, or want someone to share the joy of your life. However, the hopes and aspirations that you have, will never come true.
What you find when you are dating a sociopath, is that they will do all that they can to keep you under their control. To do this they need to do the following:
- Keep you isolated from others
- Feed you false information about himself, his life, and his intentions
- Manipulate and deceive you
- Keep you away from places where you might be in contact with others
- Control your ability to work
- Control interactions with others
- Keep tabs on your whereabouts
- Violate your privacy
- False accusations
- If you are sick, he will under the guise of helping to get you well, actually deliberately keep you sick.
- Will tell you false information about yourself, and how others view you
The sociopath is very charismatic, and will appear (on the surface) to be charming, helpful and nice. In fact, often the sociopath couldn’t be more helpful.
This is what causes the fog of confusion. You wonder if it is all in your mind? You look back to who you once were, and wonder where the person you used to be, has gone?
You are still there!! Underneath the cloud of confusion, the sense of mistrust, the pain of betrayal, there is still you.
The sociopath will weaken you, to build dependency on him. By being so very useful and helpful, he becomes someone that you feel you now need.
Because the sociopath discovers your weaknesses, and exploits them for his own advantage, he is preying on your weaknesses. This, when controlling you and not allowing you to grow and by focusing on your weaknesses, he keeps you weak. It stops you from growing, it keeps you where the sociopath wants you, controlled.
You might look back, and think how did this happen? Constantly searching back for the honeymoon period, you stay with it far longer than you otherwise should. You feel that you need this person. You feel like he is the missing part of you.
It isn’t that he is the missing part of you, it is because he preyed on your weaknesses, and full focus and spotlight was on those weaknesses, whilst your strengths, were minimised. Without your wide circle of friends, to remind you of who you are (if you were isolated), you are left, with only the sociopath. Who will do everything to keep you weak. Keeping you weak achieves one thing –
CONTROL!!!
When you have left the relationship. You can start to rebuild yourself. By now you would have been made fully aware of your weaknesses, as the sociopath used those weaknesses to control you.
There is a lesson in this. A lesson to see your own strengths and weaknesses. It is in effect a blessing, although it might not feel like it when you have just came out of the relationship. Remember, as the sociopath minimised your strengths, and played on your weaknesses, to control you, when you come out of the relationship, you start to regain strength immediately. Why? You start to regain strength, because you are not using all of your strength combating the sociopath, you are not striving for control over your own life. You finally have strength for you!
This, is a blessing. It is also a time for reflection – what have you learned? What did the sociopath teach you? What are your weaknesses? In some circumstances, (ill health for example) there is little that you can do. But other weaknesses that are preyed upon, you can work on.
Examples are things like
- Expecting someone else to offer you a wonderful life
- Expecting someone else to solve your problems for you (be they financial, social, work or whatever)
- Expecting someone else to love you, before you truly love yourself
- Money
- Need for attention, lack of confidence, low self esteem
- Single parent, looking for a father figure
- Needing a home
- Needing stability
These are just examples, there are lots lots more. You will know yourself, what your weaknesses were, and how you were exploited by the sociopath. Take some time out, to look at yourself. If it was just that you wanted to be loved, work on you, working on loving you. If you thought you met a great businessman, who would offer you financial security, work on creating financial security for yourself.
Remember that we ALL have weaknesses. All of us. In a healthy relationship, the partner gives help and support, doesn’t exploit those weaknesses to keep you weak, and keep control over you.
Dating a sociopath, once the aftermath is over, can be a blessing in disguise. It can help you to work on the weaknesses within you. Once the relationship is fully over, once you have fully grieved and reached acceptance. You will have strength. Strength of mind, and control back over you.
Its time to breath once again….. you are free!! Free to do what you want with your life. No longer are you controlled. Now that you know what your weaknesses are…. what are you going to do about it?
Copyright words datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
A little confession from Paula
I abused alcohol, and I wanted to reclaim my independence from it and become a better person. Drinking made me weak-spirited and took away my creativity and drive.
I joined AA during a brief separation from the sociopath. Upon returning with my tail between my legs (because I was convinced that I was the horrible human and shitty mother he had told me I was), he demanded the name and phone number of my sponsor, he demanded that I delete my blog and Facebook accounts, and he demanded that I apologize to his family for being a lush. These were tactics to shame and weaken me.
At the time, I thought that’s what I needed to motivate me to change. But it worked in the opposite way. It weakened my spirit and made me more depressed; and the more depressed I became, the more I drank; and the more I drank, the more depressed I became.
It took me about 12 months from the day I left him to understand what had happened to me in that relationship and build the strength and courage to finally quit drinking.
I quietly celebrated my 1-year sobriety date on March 25, 2013, the same day my beautiful niece was born!!
In order to help someone, we must lift them up not tear them down. The sociopath tears you down and makes you feel more and more ashamed of being who you are. I’ve used my book and blog to communicate that the sociopaths are the ones who should be ashamed, not normal healthy people. But due in large part to their egotistical nature, sociopaths will never feel shame. They will always believe themselves to be superior even though we know that no one can be superior to anyone, especially the fools with no empathy or heart.
Namaste! Happy Saturday!
~Paula
Fantastic comment Paula!! And absolutely so very true. congratulations on a year sobriety too!!
Did you notice how he kept you sick, or kept you where you were…. aragh how they love to do that, to control you. They prey on weaknesses and love to keep you weak, or make you weak simply to control. And that is sometimes why people find it difficult to leave, as they feel too weak, and (unrealistically) think that the sociopath is the strong person that they need…
Happy Saturday to you also!!
Reblogged this on Dating a Sociopath and commented:
An old post, that is written male rather than gender neutral, sorry if this causes offence to victims of female sociopaths, this is not intentional.
Don’t know if this comment on an older post will be read, but what if your weakness was wanting the physical aspect of a relationship? You can love yourself plenty, without getting your physical needs met! He used to accuse me of not just loving myself, but that was never true and isn’t true now, even though I’m still in emotional pain all these years later. That was the main weakness “my” sociopath exploited – he knew how uniquely talented he was with me physically, whether during our sexual interactions or simply showing affection. Absolutely Cloud 9, no better feeling in the world. So my painfully honest question is, how can you give yourself that? It’s the physical void left unfilled… I don’t believe any human being can give themselves that!
Hey Blackcat, Yes I can see all comments, it doesn’t matter when the post was. Do you know why he was so ‘in tune’ because he could read you. Sadly he could also read you in every other way too. And use that to manipulate and abuse you. Yes, they ARE good at sex, I think most people would admit that, they are great lovers (and they love to tell you so too), its the best sex I have ever had. But, seriously is good sex worth the rest of the hassle that comes with it? Surely masturbation would be less hassle?
Thanks Positivagirl, he knew I had a ‘weakness’ for great sex (and he was the best I’ve experienced). I actually think I was a sex addict, particularly since I practically didn’t know what sex was in my loveless marriage all those years. He told me, on our first proper date, “if we cross the line, I’ll ruin it for all other guys.” He was saying that no one would ever compare. I HATE that it turned out to be true! ;-( Oh, and by the way, he taught me all about masturbation and satisfying myself. How’s that for irony?!? I think that’s why I haven’t resorted to it much since the devastating discard. I feel like relying on something *he* taught me is just obeying him. Yeah, he really f***ed me up alright!
Hi Blackcat, I understand how you feel 😟. I was married but had separate bedrooms for about seven years. To be honest I was happy plodding along like that, married to a great loyal, honest thoughtful man. Kind of accepted that the sex side of our marriage was over. I was only 42 though and sad about that. Anyway, SP comes along and I’m ashamed to say I was to open and candid about my life and talked openly about my marriage with him. I trusted him as I knew him from years before. Stupid really, but he worked his magic and I had an affair and left my husband. The sex was amazing, I thought I had finally found out what it was all about. I was addicted to him. I’d really struggled with sex while I was married but now I truly felt like a goddess. He appeared to need me and want me to have a good time as much as he enjoyed it.
It didn’t last though. l felt almost like he switched overnight. He just wasn’t interested in me having a good time anymore, he made me feel like I was expecting too much, putting his needs first and ignoring mine. I tried so hard to get the passion back.
I’m single now and have such a mixed up view of sex now. Worse than before. I miss the passion, but hate him for making me want it.
I feel he spoilt me forever.
Thank you, Countrygirl! You seem to be one of the few like me – the sex was easily the greatest aspect of my relationship with him. And even though that’s not “supposed to” be important, it hugely IS when you went without proper sex all your life before!! He knew that. “Goddess,” yes, that’s exactly how I felt… For six years. That’s an awfully long time to just throw in the trashcan and torch, when your life before that felt like “the living death.” Yup, that’s what I called so much of my miserable marriage, especially the last five sex-less years.
The other thing we have in common is the permanent damage it’s apparently caused. As I’ve said, I thought by now I would easily have found somebody else. The problem has not only been that the bar’s been raised so high and no one compares — it’s that he’s spoiled sex for me. When we were apart at times, we taught me how to ‘please myself’ (i.e. masturbate). But now that he’s gone permanently, I have too much association with him to regularly do it anymore. So basically, the sex-less life I was so miserable in before, I’m right back to… Only now my self-esteem has been destroyed as well because I was dumped / rejected (whatever you want to call it).
Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve just wanted my life to be over… I feel like it may as well be, cause all the medications in the world don’t help nor has any therapist. Nope. I don’t enjoy anything in my life now, because quite honestly, sex with him was what I lived for — and he knew it. ;-(
Thank you again for being so open and honest! It really does help to know I’m not the only woman who got the exact opposite of what she expected and deserved.
Blackcat36
One more thing, Countrygirl: there is absolutely NO SHAME in a woman enjoying sex as much as a guy! At least that is one thing I do NOT struggle with, and nor should *you.* I actually believe I’m kind of ‘wired’ like a guy sexually, where it is a huge deal (compared to how it is for many other women). But of course I realize, as Positivagirl has said, it’s a “weakness” bad guys can take advantage of. ;-(
Feel free to contact me, being screwed up sexually is no picnic, and I know all too well what it’s like to not get over it with substitutes or talk therapists. Please let me know if you want my email address if you’d like to continue to talk about this. ❤
Blackcat36
Also blackcat, i want you to remember that sociopaths read you then mirror back to you exactly what you need so… If sex was that hot, means you were too. Which means you could be good with someone else but unless you want to be with a sociopath mirroring you, it wont be same as with him…. But you know what thats actually ok
Thanks, Positava, I take your point. But I *have* tried with other guys since then. It’s just that, they ended up making me feel bad about myself for settling. Please remember, I settled for 15 long painful years being forced (yes, he sexually abused me) to have intimacy with someone I didn’t love and felt nothing for. I couldn’t leave that marriage because I was terrified of supporting myself and because he threatened my life if I ever had anything to do with another man. So it took a lot of courage for me to get to the point of divorce. (Ironic, is it not?, that my sociopath lover was the one to urge me to file a letter with the Sheriff’s office officially letting them know he might take my life!)
Anyway, this means I only wanted a guy I was genuinely attracted to and wanted to be intimate with. While that doesn’t have to mean a sociopath who can ‘read me,’ it does mean I only want a guy who leaves me feeling good after intimacy… And that [unfortunately] I have not found ever since. 😦
Sounds to me like you could have some residual healing to do from the person you were with for 15 years maybe this is why you feel stuck? Just as a suggestion?
The difference with the ex-husband is that I don’t feel like I ever loved him, and I definitely never felt emotional pain from the divorce/ Are you kidding? I felt liberated! But then I immediately met the sociopath and had no clue who/what I was dealing with. The reason I’m stuck is primarily him, but it’s also the fact that I feel like my entire relationship history has been a nightmare and wasted on the wrong people (albeit very different people). Still trying not to give up though! Life without hope is not a life worth living. 🙂
Absolutely blackcat, we all need hope. We all need that light at the end of the tunnel.
So what do you want to achieve? Where would you like to be? What does your ideal life look like? If you could paint and create your perfect life, what would it look like?
The questions you ask here, I cannot answer… at least not honestly without getting grief. I am not at all an ambitious person (never have been, never will be). I’m just not interested in the whole ‘career’ thing. Many people hate me for that, but you have to be true to yourself. I honestly don’t want a career, just a decent job making enough to survive. I loved going to college but it’s not something I can realistically do again because of the sheer expense and/or additional debt.
Before she died several years ago, my mother said she wanted me to remarry, this time to a rich man. God bless her, I understood that! My life would be completely different with money, because while money can’t directly buy happiness, it can buy things that *lead to happiness.* Alas, I married a guy very wrong for me when I was very young and inexperienced, I can’t marry another Mr. Wrong even if it brought money into my life. It would also add to my problems. And I don’t believe in stupid lotteries with ridiculous odds.
So, if I were to answer these questions? My ideal life would include significantly more money [to travel mostly] and a man I love in it who gives me those old butterflies when I even just think of him. It’s just that the chances of that happening in this lifetime get slimmer by the day. (Just being realistic, this is ageist America, after all!)
Reblogged this on Diary of a Disenchanted Diva.
Thank you for sharing!! 🙂
You’re welcome 🙂