If you have found my website and are reading, I am assuming that perhaps you are in pain. Either you are trying to understand what has happened to you, are feeling bad about yourself, and also a sense of sadness, that the perfection that was sold to you, was in fact a lie.
Is your heart hurting? Are you thinking about the good times? Are you reminiscing in your head, and thinking about what could have been?
If you are not, then perhaps this post is not for you.
If you are, then read on.
First of all, the first thing that I want to tell you is that the person that you are feeling sad over is about as real as….
You know those thoughts that are going through your mind? You are doing a re-run in your head of the illusion that was sold to you. The lie. When you get the picture of him in your head. I want you to transfer this picture to this:
No! I am not saying that YOU are a joke. You are the normal one here remember? In your mind you have the thoughts of:
These were the dreams that you were sold. These were the promises that you were given. It meant nothing. But it isn’t you.
You are the one who was real. You are the one who gave everything, with all of your heart. You were the one who shared your life, your home, your finances. You were the one who was putting in real actions to fulfil your dreams.
But in reality – whilst you thought you were getting this:
What you were actually getting was this:
Oh, and if you are still stuck on the ‘flowers and heart stuff’…. lets not forget this too…
Can you really forget those words that were said? The lies that were told to you? The control?
Remember also the …
Am I getting through to you yet? Or are you still stuck at ….???? This picture is the LIE!! This is what you were sold, this is the lie that you were sold…. and this picture in your head will hold you back!!
If you are stuck with that picture in your head….. remember….
Are you smiling yet? I hope so. This was the poem that helped me the most. I read this over and over. And it is really true.
Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
While all around you are but pawns for your own use.
Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
In reality I watch as your psychosis gradually worsen.
The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.
306 thoughts on “Take off your rose coloured glasses, pull up a chair and lets talk!”
I Love Kissing — there is no way I could ever kiss soc again– and anyway his kisses were not sweet, intimate and meaningful– again we know its about power& ownership– but I’m dying to Kiss a new, man who is capable of expressing passion with love & true openness & interest!!! Fly me to the moon 😉 I don’t trust myself right now to meet someone– still feel so vulnerable :(. Maybe a Christmas miracle man????? I’m dreaming EL
ha ha my socio was the worst kisser EVER!! He even told me once that another woman told him he was a bad kisser – and yet the guy flaunts his $$ so he gets women!
Isn’t weird how the charm and even the mysterious sex appeal doesn’t always translate — it’s disappointing & awkward when there is this seductive pull but it is shallow– puzzling. It makes sense now that I know they are not capable of love, empathy even real attraction- it’s just control, power, opportunity & testosterone — still difficult to understand– but I need depth of feeling– it also helps to connect– if you are mirroring then you are not giving any if yourself– they don’t have it to give– so your left with this empty, impersonal feeling. It’s sad, I m still trying to understand– EL
I hope so much you have found him….. your miracle man!
God bless you both for really listening to me. At one point I was helpful for people here too. Lately my mind feels fried, foggy. You really take time and put a lot of thought into your responses. You’re both completely on target. We know what’s going on, and it’s good to hear that others understand and have experience as far how to handle things. You make it crystal clear for me (what he’s up to). All he says is “I think you misjudged me” in reference to cheating. Think?! Wouldn’t you say it directly, not “think”?! Lol! Thank God I have had no desire to see him AT ALL. It’s been a month. I kept canceling dates, I’d rather stick needles in my eyeballs than see him. That’s half the battle right? He was so mean and verbally degrading last time. I cannot accept that as a part if my life. No way. Thank you guys soooo much! 🙂
Re: Cheating. When I met my Socio, I had been divorced for several years from a man who had cheated while we were married. I told the Socio that I had a few rules before getting involved in a relationship. First, they had do have hair, teeth and a job. OK… a bit superficial but who wants to date a snaggly man, right? LOL.
But the big rule was that if you wanted to see other women, that was fine. You let me know and I will walk away, but I would NOT accept adultery in any relationship – dating or marital. He became very still and after a very meaningful pause he told me that his ex wife not only had cheated on him, but tried to drag him into a swingers club! So he understood the pain that infidelity caused and he could never ever do that to someone else.
Enter the OW – who isn’t his type whatsoever physically, but she started sending him money when they were online chat buddies, which made her his absolute best friend.
Great article, this website has helped me understand my past and move towards a wonderful future! Thank you.
While i am not a very religious person, this verse seem appropriate for the journey i have experienced.
2 Samuel 22:
“He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me. The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he compensated me because of my innocence.”
365 days of freedom, i have been blessed.
I love this and needed this very prayer at this very moment– thank you! You never know how you may help someone 😉 About to do confrontation with family–
As for your days of freedom– Congrats & continued freedom, joy & peace now & forever- Thanks be to God 😉 A year is a great milestone — you must celebrate you & it 😉 And a New Year! A Happy New Year to all!
I look forward to it– 3months and almost 2 weeks so far… One day at a time NC 😉 EL
thank you! after living what i know now was a lie for 10+ years, i am trying to forgive, him and myself. while it was not always easy, looking back this past year, i had many wonderful experiences, one day at a time. wishing you many blessings this New Year!
I was with my SP for nearly 12 years and each day brings a new challenge but I too hope that the new year will move me that much further in my goal of becoming whole again.
Happy New Year!
Thank you for that. So true – God can see were were the innocent ones with good intentions. I needed to read that!
Ladies, Celeste & Staci22— 10 & 12 years can not be easy to break away from– I was only dating for 9 months and the withdrawls kicked my arse– you both give me hope & strength & courage along with the others here by sharing the challenges & triumphs– highlighting that there is indeed a very good life waiting post soc– not easy or for weak hearted— but choosing to love ourselves– opens the door for more blessings & makes miracles manifest– the soc does block the flow & narrow our world . I think our tears & the little girl within us needs our full attention to grow up- and recognize her true beauty, strength & worth–she needs our undivided attention- she is healing us!! The soc is not capable of coming out to play & trust like a child –so everyone ( child & adult) feels trapped & neglected— a butterfly caught in a net…now free though cautious — I’m really ready for a new year & new & improved me– tring to think of a beautiful & special way to new year in right frame– I would love to be away somewhere pretty for just two -3 days– atleast sometime during January. I think I found apartment share today– possibly moving in this week–next on agenda is new job for new year that I can be passionate about… I would love to visit England/Ireland/Scotland 🙂 in the fall–
It’s always weird apt sharing– it’s also crazy how many people that are renting room in house lost job/Lay offs– esp ladies in 40s & 50’s— it seems to be a theme–Rent will suck you finances– sharing is the way to go–I am also surprised that all the places I looked at 5 did not have a spot of Christmas — no tree etc– makes me leery– but Dec 2013 is coming to close– can’t carry fake memory of soc into 2014– need space for new love 😉 EL
Don t forget Wales ! We have some fantastic mountains and beaches and I believe that at least 96 % of us are sane ………..
Happy New Year to everyone , stay strong , I have been close to emotional collapse a few times , but I have some incredible friends to keep my going in the darkest times , sometimes I can read all the experiences here , sometimes I can’t – I guess today I am in a half decent place – I don ‘t really know .
I wish everyone the very best x
Happy New Year to you & thank you for sending good new year vibes 😉
Ok you sold me on Wales– beaches & mountains always seem to call to me! So added to list of 2014 fall adventure- thanks to your promo. I think I would like to bike?! See what the New year holds- I’m optimistic as 2013 comes to a close.
I’m sorry to hear about the spin your in– it comes and goes for me as well– like you I’m grateful that I have good people around me and think I have made it through withdrawls 😉 this is liberating!
Peace, love & all good things,
I feel nothing at all apart from revulsion from the S . The problem that tears me apart is my estranged lovely wife that the S. lied to me about (convincing me she was having an affair ) will never , ever forgive me for believing it and leaving her . My 2 beautiful daughters are speaking to me and come out with me now & again , but our relationship is seriously damaged . I am on a level of heartbroken I did not consider possible , I love my wife & daughters with all my heart , I have made a horrific mistake , they can never understand how believable a S. can be , the harder I try , the more they think I am making it up , my wife thinks that its the biggest load of nonsense she has ever heard , I feel as if my heart has been ripped from chest and will never heal
I am very sorry for your painful, chalkenging circumstances & the evil & destruction soc cause on targets– it truly sucks. BUT I also have hope that love prevails — not always the way we want or envision– but the truth does set us free, esp when we keep taking next right action with love & responsibility. I also beleive there is a spiritual battle–and the attack is on marriage, family & truest- purist love. So we have to cover & bless ourselves & loved ones with prayer & chose love– RUN not walk from evil & temptation– I can’t do it alone– I need God to help me, I am weak– He strengthens, protects & heals– does all for my highest good if I allow & open myself up– I’ve learned that I will never be complete or satisfied through another person– and I’m not supposed to be. But with God things balance & I grow & learn spiritually about life, love & pursuit of happiness– it would be great if you could find support ( through a good priest/minister & or Counselor) with prayer — 2014 can be a new start & slate– I wish you & your family such peace, miracles of healing & forgiveness ( please radically forgive yourself & even your wife for being human imperfect broken who sometimes get caught up in deep wounds– especially in search of love – LOVE does & will heal some wounds over time if you consistently chose & ask for help when you need it;) it may also open the door for deeper communication & intimacy– it’s hard, painful work– ( don’t try this at home kids ;). We are all capable but its gonna take a lotta love ( you tube Nicolette Larson ) and courage to face & slat the dragons that want to take us out continually until we confront & banish/rebuke. Then put love & light where darkness fell.
Your daughters know you as their dad– which is such a good thing- because nothing can change that– and it something you can continue to nurture & bless as they grow. They a need a dad who loves them & their mom– regardless of human wounds.
Your wife is a more complex situation and I can’t imagine how painful it must be — and how vulnerable/heartbroken you both must feel. Is there any chance of finding a good counselor who is pro marriage & that can support you through this & help reconcile ( with yourself & or your wife?)
Do you have a prayer life or faith practice ( a personal question for you alone– not to pry) As you probably figured by most of my posts– prayer & faith have been crucial in my life During good & bad times– but essential to my recovery. Bless your wife & children & self every morning– the only way to banish the fear & soc damage is to over shadow it with true, deep , authentic love, beauty & truth– it aint easy & will require conistant little steps everyday– reward yourself or do something nice for your heart daily to– cry, exercise, help soneone, bless someone, spend time with children, be patient with you & your wife. ask for grace, healing , peace & radical forgiveness from you to you, your wife etc. God is all forgiving, amend your life, take courage and NC. Again we don’t have to do this alone– and expect miracles– so they can happen 🙂
It’s a tough & mind bending position — 12 step for love addiction has been really helpful for me to get additional support, work with others through pain & challenges also sharing small/big triumphs & stay NC. The battle for me is made simpler to the fact that I was not married or have children– Socios just don’t discriminate- everyone is fair game & the more they can destroy the more delight– anyone can be target as Pos has posted. It really is a battle between light & dark– I suppose we all have darkness that we need to get in touch with so that we don’t get blindsided by those that can find it & reveal & use it against us– unbeknownst to us. We have to find it ourselves , forgive & heal. It is exhausting & trying Nick!! But we come through the other side with hope, joy & purified hearts/souls.
Have you done the soul tie breaking prayer? It helped me tremendously & for me confession & spiritual direction with a priest & deliverance prayer really made a difference too– like the psalms– so many good deliverance, healing & protection prayers. Psalm 23 — cover yourself & family in prayer– I will also offer prayers if you like. I have a heart for marriage ( though I have not married yet?!) and I have 4 friends who married & prepared sacramentally in the church last summer- it was a doozy while dating soc! I really beleive it takes 3 — husband, wife & God at center– with God all things are possible– and a bit counter culture at this point lol 🙂
May peace, comfort, healing & joy continue & return for you & yours in 2014 and the Serenity Prayer lived out–
God , please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change–
The courage to change the things I can-
And the wisdom to know the difference!
A Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!! EL
Thankyou for that reply I really appreciate it , I do cry mostly every day , I tried to get my wife to go to counselling ( I had been seeing a Psychotherapist for about 4 months or so ) but she didn’t really want to know , she felt that the pain I had caused her and our daughters was too great to ever forgive . I have contemplated suicide a few times by way of atonement for her to rid herself of my disastrous choices . I get held back by the thought of leaving my daughters with the memory that their Father would have left them twice , I cannot do it to them .
I love my wife dearly , even though she has a boyfriend now and has started becoming very hardline with me as their relationship strengthens over time . I find myself turning the other cheek constantly , she told me today again that she will never forgive me for what I have done , it is a very difficult situation .
She had an affair about 7 years ago which I had confided in the P at the time , when I thought that she was having one again , it didn t take the P long to provide “evidence ” that she was . I have shown her some of the texts I was sent confirming it from the P , but she was so hurt because she was innocent ( and I didn t believe my daughters until it was too late ) that I think something snapped inside her , she told me the humiliation was too much . I m just so devastated , I m working tonight just to survive New Years Eve ( normally fantastic as we have spent it in WDWorld on a few occasions )
This P has smashed my life and everyones I love into little pieces , I can t fix it . The pain somedays is unbearable . I am slightly religious in answer to your question , I just don t know what I , my wife and daughters could have possibly done for such wickedness to enter our lives . I m so sorry and guilty , it just invades my dreams ( I have nightmares without fail most nights ) I was supposed to protect my Family from evil like this not fall for its lies , I m sorry EL , I m so upset , I ve never felt like this in my entire life .
Her last victims new partner ( a lovely woman ) told me that its like a nightmare you can t wake up from , it is , I truly know what she meant now .
Again , I m sorry , I just don t know how to recover . I just want to smile , just once would do , I miss my family so much , I love them more than life itself .
I do need a miracle to put this right
Brother it will get better , I promise– but you MUST get outside support! STAT !! I know it can be different for men– we ( men & women) often process differently — you are NOT ALONE — and this is not something you can do alone or by sheer will. You need good, loving, trustworthy people around you– I can only tell you that from my 9 mo dating a soc experience ( not married, no children) – I have been going to almost 1 or even two 12 step meetings aday ( so blessed)– I haven’t picked up a drink in 21 years ( he was like a bottle with lips- i hit emotional bottom) but started to feel like I wanted to escape & not feel etc– so I went back to AA– then as I read posts on this site, had my eyes open etc I started to look for counselor , started going to SLA meetings when I realized I was in withdrawls & a beautiful, crazy mess from a person not a drink! He was dosing me-love bomb tactics left me confused, dizzy & intoxicated at times– even the lies/ manip etc had surreal mind bending altering — crazy effects. It is painful brother I can’t lie, you must feel the feelings to move through them— are you healthy physically?? Exercise ( detox her out with every sweat drop & get a nice endorphin hit to lift mood & feel better about you) really helps anxiety as addition to good counsel, support group, posting on here/ journal & prayer. It’s an opportunity to learn how to forgive & love yourself & God.
Being with others struggling & healing has helped me tremendously— isolating & thinking& analyzing & thinking its a normal problem to be solved only darkened my lens-& kept me trapped in Illusion & immobilized in fear & pain. Nick he/ she Does Not own us or F with us anymore! NO- it is done. NC!! Please go back to counsel– patience & time is a big part of remedy too. kindness & compassion as you move through stages — look for blessing in each day- just one– acknowledge it & give thanks–
Don’t let the soc succeed by becoming all encompassing & isolating you from love, God, goodness, family or the little boy inside you! You have power, courage & love inside you with Gods help to heal & move forward — focus on the gift & beauty of your daughters– realize that no one is perfect– we are all flawed & perfectly imperfect children of God 😉 you are a beloved son of the King of Kings! Our wounds, troubles, weaknesses when healed can become our greatest strengths– with Gods help if we surrender we can also touch others lives which we do each moment- we have no idea how our presence, showing up, smile, word or prayer for soneone even just the most mundane gesture can turn a moment , life or time around– it’s happening everyday– even you posting– you have no idea how many people reading feel less alone and identify with what your going through– sharing our hearts is a gift– we help each other through– when you are ready to stop beating yourself up, you will feel the gift of forgiveness– you are doing the best you can — Please get support in 2014! Give yourself & girls the gift of loving & healing yourself! That’s my plan, so I guess this post has dual purpose if straightening my own arse out too 😉
Nick be good to you– you are blessed to be out of soc relationship– nothing stays the same except change– keep faith, hope & gratitude for each new day at fore front, give yourself a chance to recover– it slow process- the fog & wreckage will clear eventually– I needed my faith and be sure of prayers for you & yours 😉
Please, Please counselor & support network– time with your buddies, gym etc-/ I don’t know your situation but I know Love is the balm ( not bomb LOL) that heals– God is healer along with all the Holy Angels may they surround and heal you now & forever– St Michael the archangel defend us in battle be our protection against the wickedness & snares of the devil may God rebuke him we humbly pray and do thou O prince of the heavenly host by the power of God cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl around the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen– St Raphael please heal & lead Nick and all of us to Happy Meetings– good counsel & blessed people & situations for our highest good and your greater glory God in 2014! Thank you! EL
Thanks again , I don t feel so bad today for some unknown reason , spoke to both my kids today , maybe that s why .
I do train quite a lot with 2 of my mates , I ve been boxing quite a bit , but have stopped now as I was picking up quite a few black eyes , which isn t good for in work . I still weight train and run plus walk on the mountain behind where I live which keeps me going day to day .
The financial theft that I suffered at the hands of the P has had me feeling very anxious daily ( cleaned me out & left me in debt , seems to be very common)I thought that the dreadnought fear would have dropped down as I saved a bit more cash , it doesn t though as I realise the mountain I have to climb . I have to be very very careful with any money that I give to my kids which is like a dagger through me when I think of the P smirking in that evil , disgusting fashion that they do when they give themselves a pat on the back for being such smart fraudsters .
I hear you about the psychotherapy , but it was costing me £ 45 an hour ,which again I feel guilty not spending it on my kids .
I went there initially because she was a specialist in NPD , BPD and P ( I needed validation of what I suspected from a competent person ) She all but agreed with me but would not actually say it , I have read so much about it , I accept that these individuals exist .
Martha Stouts book finally convinced me within a few paragraphs . As she says ” we consider that concience is universal” ….. I hadn t even considered the possibility that anything else could exist . I do now , these things are real and look exactly like the rest of us , I will never look at anyone through the same eyes in my life again unfortunately . The concept that something would find it easier to lie constantly when the truth would be easier is so fantastic its the stuff of science fiction .
Ice water in their veins , nothing else ( I m in an angry phase today , at least its better than terror , I suppose )
Anyhow , enough for a bit ……… I will have a look at meditation thanks , I hadn t thought about it till now .
I wish you and everyone else a better & positive 2014 x
Received text from friend yesterday–
” You’ve got what it takes, but it’s going to take all you’ve got” 😉
So glad to hear your getting glimpse of hope & a better day— there are even better days ahead– one day at a time — it’s a process — lots of up & down– think of what the soc cost you, you owe it to yourself to $ for your heart & healing– it’s a gift to you! Pace e Bene, EL
Thankyou , it means a huge amount to me that people care , some understand , some don t but still care , you will make it – some good days , some bad – I don t ever miss the P , it was a sick individual , I just desperately miss my Wife and Daughters not being a part of daily life with them kills me .
I know my Wife will never forgive me for leaving her and our girls she has told me straight . This is the price I must pay , I deeply love her with all my heart and will do for the rest of my life .It was a horrendous mistake listening to and then ending up with the P
Stay strong and thankyou again
You are right , it will take everything I have , I am trying to summon the strength to go to the Police at the moment to report the Sp for stealing tens of thousands of pounds from me , it used the money to open 3 Yankee Candle shops , which it is now reaping the profits from on a daily basis ( all in its own name )
It has a new victim in place at the moment who doesn t believe a word that he has been told by others , I was slightly lucky as I met its ex husband and his new partner and spoke to them at length , they showed me in black and white that it had stolen nearly £ 200,000 GBP from him , then falsely accused him of rape and threatening her with a shotgun , he has had a nightmare with it , this is why I can stay completely NC .
Its a terrifying ongoing experience , I just hope that I have it in me to go eventually to the Police , this thing is so devious , it has an answer for everything .
I would appreciate a prayer for my Wife and Daughters if you can spare one , I just hope that there are some Police out there with experience of dealing with such an expert at lying and twisting the facts , maybe somewhere there is a God who will bring this very very dangerous individual to justice , it lays waste to any man’s life that it touches , I have never been up close and personal with something so inherently evil in my entire life .
Thanks again for listening
Prayers ascending for you, your wife & daughters — may the holy angels keep a hedge of protection around all of you in the holy name of Jesus. Healing & reconciliation, amendments during this blessed season of Christmas fill you with peace, hope, strength & courage to chose love & run from temptation & every evil. Come Holy Spirit please help us! Thank you, Jesus I trust in you. Amen
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart , I hope they forgive me one day .
I will continue to remember in daily prayer– I keep all from datingasociopath in my regular prayers– including myself– this is truly a spiritual battle– only God can move mountains– He teaches us forgiveness he already won the battle — staying covered in prayer is key — your own relationship with God & prayer is the healing power center– just reach out in gratitude & talk directly to him! Your own prayers & blessing for your wife & children is the greatest gift to you, them & God ;). If I had any idea how to post link I would post soul tie breaking prayer it’s powerful & some other links -/ just don’t know how to with IPhone & computer is down–EL
Nick you are very welcome. I have so many people praying for & with me– I pray for others– it’s one of the only things that truly work for me– I’ve seen so many miracles, healings, breakthroughs & turnarounds — prayer takes faith & trust– believe! EL
I will never discount anything I do not understand again in my life . If you had explained to me a year or so ago that these soul less wretches live among us , I doubt I would have believed you , now nothing will ever convince me that they don t exist , they are as real as the grass under my feet , so I will not discount the power of prayer just because I cannot see it .
I will pray for your speedy emotional repair as well as my Family and even myself , I pray that none of us on this site ever in their lives on this planet again encounter something so deadly and destructive such as a sociopath / psychopath , they should be identified at a very young age and removed from the general population before they can wreak havoc with our finances and lives . I have no doubt that they will be regularly identified early at some future point in time as the gene responsible for this condition along with the characteristic brain patterns so well studied by Dr. James Fallon become used daily as markers to identify then deal with these ” people ” (for want of a better word ) .
I have to say I particularly like Martha Stout’s description of how the Innuit Eskimos ( I think that s how its spelt ) deal with this type of individual once they are satisfied that they have one in their midst , I can’t say I disagree with them .
Dear Nick, sorry about what you have been through, my heart goes out to you. As of this day I have nc with my expath for 6 months and I feel about 80-90 percent complete.
It started in late 2011 when my marriage was having problems and moved out of state to take a job for financial reasons. An older female co worker befriended me over time and lost her job at the place I was working at. I was alone and let that person into my life and went overboard helping her out. My wife knew of this, but we were lost emotionally in our marriage and the socio gradually worked her way into trying to get me to hate my wife and become negative about everything including the grass we stand on. I visited my wife for about 6 weeks in the summer of 2012 worked a summer job while I was off for the summer from teaching. She wanted me to join her in California and abandon my family and all but convinced me that my wife was putting her family first and fell out of love with me.
Upon returning to teach in the fall of 2012, she decided to have her ex husband move in with her in California, and I thought at that point it was time for me to NC it. A week later, he has a stroke, and is all over me wanting to bring the friendship to the next level, emotionally and physically. I went up there after the ex husband’s stroke with the intension of helping both her and her special needs daughter out. The socio cried for a while and immediately stopped saying she really missed me, causing me to become fazed by it. She played victim saying her husband wanted her to get better clothes and plastic surgery. She got me to say that he was wrong and did not appreciate you for who you were.
Eventually our interactions became more frequent and closer while her husband was in a state facility recovering from his stroke. She acted like she was there for me all the time, and the idiot that I was bought into it. To make a long story short, my wife and I almost divorced because of it and her angle was to pray for it so she g can get money and me to co sign for things. I thought either two things, she was a low life for abandoning her ex or what have you husband in the facility when he came down from Washington to help her with her special needs daughter and bring stuff down to California or her and her manipulative husband were plotting how they were going to get me out there to co sign a lease to get out of a bad area due to both their bad credit. Well I think the latter, and never planned on joining her and she took him right back. And the aforementioned would have happened even if I. were single.
. I spent months after NC hating myself, never in a million years succumbing to an extra marital affair even though our marriage was all bur over beforehand. The ex soc was all but begging me to join her because her lease was up and wanted to move somewhere nicer and I was her ticket as far as she was concerned. I know for sure I would have walked into hell if God did not intervene 2 times when my wife kicked me out (and I deserved it) God talked to me in a vivid dream that was portentous. Eventually, my fate would have been at some curbside, lost and wallowing in self pity. Many would call me a scumbag for stretching it out that long with my ex path, while still estranged from my wife, but many do not understand the power that sociopaths can exert especially if you are alone and vulnerable. Sorry for being long winded about myself, but it takes time heal and for those that still love you to regain their trust and respect for you. Now all I can do is try to be a good father. Wish you the best, meditating helps me somewhat.
Hi Shamedepechmode ,
You are right , no one who has not been through it can ever understand how plausible and persuasive these things are , I couldn t take my wife having another affair ( she wasn t having one ) the evidence that the sp provided me with was flimsy at best looking back on it , I was in a very bad place emotionally and was easily roped in by it .
Don t worry about being long winded , it is just how it is , I understand .
My wife won t take me back as she considers my leaving her and my Daughters much worse than her original affair ( about 7 years ago ) , I don t know one way from another about that , all I do know is I love her and our kids to bits . All I can really hope for the same as you is to be a good Dad to our Daughters . If she understood then maybe she could forgive it , but she is just so hurt she doesn t want to know . This will stay with both of us for life , I know that now , my Daughters want to know me which is a massive blessing , but the relationship is altered forever .
My heart goes out to you as well my friend , I didn t sleep much last night , when I do , I have horrific nightmares quite alot of the time , I am a shadow of my former self , I hope it eases off someday , no one deserves this
Take it easy
That your wife carries the shame of an affair in her own past ought to propel her to be able to forgive you yours…eventually.
That you have the compounded guilt of the soc betrayal and your role in enabling it, in addition to the affair indiscretion, can really eat you up. I don’t recall whether you are seeing a counselor? I know you’d written that you wife wasn’t receptive to the idea of couples therapy, but if you aren’t seeing a therapist, you probably should be to help process this.
While you made an admitted mistake, it is not unforgivable or irrevocable. Some guilt is a healthy internal alarm bell, if it’s proportionate to the offense. Personally, from reading your posts, I think you’ve already worked through the mistake in your head and learned your lessons. As such, in my unprofessional opinion, your level of guilt is rather disabling to your progress past this at this point.
I don’t agree with your wife that permanent separation is the price, and she may change her mind in time too, as you both heal. Hang in there.
I agree with Jusagirl. Time can heal so many things. With patience, things can always turn around. We all fall short in some things. None of this is unforgivable by a long shot! Things happen everyday. In time she could see things the right way. She could be mad at herself for what she did years ago and is taking some of that out on you. I say give things time and see where it could go, hopefully in a positive way.
I hope so , maybe one day
Yes I have been to a psychotherapist , I could only afford to see her about once a fortnight as I had very little spare money after the sp had conned me out of my life savings and also managed to get me to borrow £ 5000 GBP on top from one of my friends to lend her for the candle shops ( it had already had £ 33,000 GBP from me ) I am working 7 days a week paying him back & paying a mortgage at the Family home plus certain bills there also , then rent & bills where I live on top.
Its almost broken me in half , it was coming down to straight choices between taking my Children out for a meal or cinema now & again , or psychotherapy .
I wake up most mornings shaking with fear for the day ahead , its only 2 of my mates dragging me training to kick the day off gets me moving . Thanks I will try & hang on , there is so much more that this sp has done it would take me days to write it down , some of it really sickens me , it even attempted to set its ex husband and his family at my throat just a few weeks ago after 8 months NC . Luckily he and his entire family have worked out exactly what they are dealing with.
It had me threatened by its new victim / love interest , a work mate and former friend of mine that it is has told all sorts of lies to (he is absolutely besotted with it & believes every word it says. ) It has and continues to cause me so many problems it is unreal , if it wasn t happening to me , I would scarcely believe the venom of these creatures combined with unbelievable energy to disrupt so many lives at the same .
I feel as if I have been hit by a tornado
I bet you do feel hit by a tornado. I asked my medical doctor if she could refer someone low-cost; that’s how I found mine. Please try that, and also make a call to your local “welfare” office, tell them your story in a nutshell, and ask for a referral. Even though you might not qualify for aid, they might know of someone appropriate or be able to give you some ideas for counseling options.
Because you are in such distress, in every way, you really need this. You’re obviously over-busy, but please, don’t neglect your mental health—you need it for everything else important to you in your life, and I just don’t want to see you crash.
Also is there sliding scale in Wales? Here in the states some counselors do sliding scale based on income or lack there of. Counseling is a priority-/ it’s
Act of love for you & your family after soc damage–as add on- 12 step are free ( suggested 1 dollar donation) I found quite surprisingly I developed a weird dependence only realized when I went NC and immediately had withdrawls, crashed reaching emotional bottom the support of Co Dependents Anon, Love & Sex. addicts esp has really helped me with the fear & unmanageability post soc– and getting a sponsor to work 12 steps of recovery can be amazing turn around tool & gift. To dont have to do it alone– we all need one another and are connected too! I’m praying a good , affordable counselor & support network will become clear very soon & you will be open to the people, places & things that God will place in your life Olof you ask & stay open to receive blessing. Jusa & Bunny & depeche– your encouragement & words for Nick is helpful for me too — never too much reinforcement — I’m still trying to find good fit counselor after a few false starts — it is aggravating how many dont know anything about soc, but the truth is they only need to know love, sincerity & empathy to be most effective!!! Still looking too — Nick your in good company — ill make a deal with you– we both need to find someone and give em a chance by end of January the sooner the better– praying for a door to open as i continue elusive search– being a counselor myself does not help matters in search!! It takes time & patience which is the reaso we can’t delay– we need help AsAp 😉 lets give ourselves a chance in 2014 — by gifting ourselves with good, solid counsel 😉 EL
I m not sure about a sliding scale , I will find out , I was paying £ 45 GBP / hr which I think is about the going rate. My counsellor was really good and understood the brain and could also understand the workings of the sp mind .
I just don t know if she ever got the gravity of the danger this sp can put a man in with false accusations of rape / false firearms accusations .
Her ex husband & myself both have dealings with vulnerable adults & children ( he deals with disabled people also & families in his family owned archery and falconry centre ) which require what is called a CRB check . He cannot be accused again but she did enough damage with false evidence from her lover ( a woman who I just thought was her friend until he told me ) to make sure that he never will have contact with his 10 yr old Son again .
This monster has poisoned the little boys mind into believing that his Father is a vicious rapist and that the archery centre ( in reality a wonderful place in a fantastic location with priceless views of a superb beach ) is a place that he will be sent to for punishment if he steps out of line . He believes it all , she has tortured him with these wicked lies from the age of 5 until he was old enough ( 10 ) for a final court order to be made where his own wishes must be taken into account . He has been gaslighted so comprehensively by this evil beyond evil that he simply said he never wants contact with his Father again .
No one can do a thing about it , no one .
It is simply the lad’s poor gaslighted mind speaking . His Dad had to ask me what he was like , I m filling up even thinking of his face when he asked me , he only lives 15 minutes away from him and hasn t seen him for 5 years . The evil Sp had her divorce barrister ( who she is also sleeping with – surprise surprise ) to put a one time offer to the poor man – £ 100,000 GBP and you can have access to your Son , otherwise you will never see him again , can anyone out there even wrap their head around such a sick twisted offer ( done in private of course with no witnesses )
I couldn t even write about this for 8 months , I have no idea why its pouring from me now , there is tons and tons more , every bit as sick I promise you
I believe my ex-soc is sleeping with his attorneys too (yes, there are three). When he would do awful things and I was kicking back, I might threaten exposure and suggest that he “didn’t want to do time”. He’d always say he couldn’t anyway. He bragged that he had “front-line women”. I would guess he has front-line, middle, rear and more. It amazes me that people will accept whatever level of “relationship” he wants to offer them (because someone is always getting scr*wed, neglected, waiting, rejected, etc. as part of his operation). I personally expect a lot more for my time/money. lol
Yes but they also lie though. They lie so effectively they believe their own lies 🙂 in his mind he probably thought he could lay the attorney this might be true, but more than likely it’s all in his mind and bullshit that he tells you, so that you believe this to be true!!
Oh, sleeping with the attorneys isn’t anything he told me directly. It’s something I pieced together. He would want me to believe his sleeping with his ex-wife was a one-time occasion and that he, otherwise, was faithful to me. I can just see, by how things have shaken out, what he’s really been doing and why he feels confident. Even sleeping with them, he might not avoid prison, but it sure would give you a sense of security that they’d fight for you though, right?
Yes, do have to go careful as well, as they are masters of illusion and would deliberately give you the impression that they are sleeping with the lawyer….. as this would send you the message that he can do what he wants, and you can do nothing about it.
They are fans of feeding a seed of information (deliberately) into your head, so that you think a certain thing. Manipulation and mind control. He might be…. but also – from what I understand, he might be deliberately feeding information so that you believe that.
For some reason they love to use the law on their side, even when they are the ones in the wrong. My ex loved to use the police (one before him did too)….
Such tiresome repetitive games.
Spot on once again ……
The one I was with uses the Police at will to make accusations , even went as far as making one unfortunate officer husband 2 out of 3 ….. Until it tired of him in under 12 months .
I watched a film last night called ” Black Widow ” with Theresa Russell , think it might have been a mistake as I didn t get to sleep till 8am sweating, however there is light at the end of the tunnel as Russell gets caught in the end. Here s hoping !!!!!! 🙂
There Is a great book I read last year called black widow (I think) about a Scottish man who was clearly a socio/psychopath. He set fire to women’s houses after luring them in to get insurance money from their death. True story. He was caught and sent to jail. It freaked me at the time as it was identical behaviour to my ex apart from the setting fires.. .
I am sorry you have had to deal with more than one of these lunatics 😦 I will have a look for that book
Ah ha ,
Found it – ” The Black Widower ”
Thanks , think I will buy it off Amazon . He got away with the first murder for 14 yrs ……..
Just as an aside the creature I was with , its ex husband and family are fairly convinced that it has Munchausens Syndome By Proxy just to add to things …
Her 14 year old Daughter so she tells everyone is lactose intolerant so requires a “special ” diet . When the Father of the daughter had his turn at maybe a few hours with his Daughter , the “specially ” prepared meal for for her to eat were sent with her .
When she returned after a few hours with her Father she would feel a bit ill and be sitting on the toilet for hours . One day she did not even make it to the toilet . The spath then cited this to the new partner and his family ( now ex husband ) as evidence that the little girls Father was deliberately not giving her the “special” meal ( which of course he was religiously )
Her ex husband as you can imagine was very angry with the Father of the girl ( they were former friends , nice little triangulation created by the sp as it does over and over again in its life )
This continued on until the inevitable split between its ex husband as well .
When he and his family were clearing every trace of her out from the farm where the archery centre is based , that is when they found boxes of chocolate laxatives tucked away .
The mainstay of the “special” diet for the little girl you might ask ? ……….
Lactose free chocolate mousse ……
It’s a really good book. I found it scary as apart from murder and house burning pattern was same as I experienced. Can you post the link if you find it on Amazon?
The Black Widower : The Life & Crimes of a Sociopathic Killer
Author : Charles Lavery
Subject : Malcolm Webster
Question for you :
Are these people actually insane in your opinion ?
I ve been scratching my head for nearly 8 months now wondering .
If they are insane then do they deserve to be jailed /gaoled .
I think my one does because I believe (as does her ex husband and his family ) that if she ever gets fully exposed then she would not hesitate to seriously harm or even kill her children if she was ever faced with having them removed from her .I thank my lucky stars that when she ( a very loose term ) pretended to be pregnant with my child after I had got clear of it ,her ex husband had already warned me it was next in her box of tricks .
Even then I had to research it to death before I satisfied myself that a 46 year old woman had a less than 1% chance of being pregnant ( the “abortion ” that followed shortly after was no surprise to me either )
As King Willy says in Predator 2 :
” its dread man , truly dread “
According to experts in psychotherapy, they are not insane. Each move is premeditated and calculated. They know exactly what they are doing.
I think – that they are opportunistic. I don’t know if they seek out those to manipulate and abuse – or whether the opportunity comes their way. Yes that is the book – I found it good, but also really chilling at the same time. I read it last summer when I had just discovered that my ex was a socio… actually he got this book from the library.
I wonder (with her) how many times she had faked/feigned pregnancy to control a man in her past?
Do they deserve to be jailed? Yes – I think that they get away with far too much – obtaining things by deception, theft, slander, blackmail, harassment, stalking etc etc….
I agree with the jail .
I ve just been told tonight that the spath and its kids plus new love interest / next victim have nipped to St Lucia for a little luxury break at a cost of 10k on mine & my mates money after counting up its stolen takings from the 3 Yankee Candle shops , while I wonder if I m going to be ok to take my daughters to the cinema & food on Monday night without causing money problems .
Great innit 😦
Makes you wonder what type of higher being could allow this
And I agree …….. They are not insane , just focused evil in its purest unadulterated form ……
Another little beauty while I still have the “hwyl ” to write …..
Months after they got rid of the spath from the archery centre it reappeared at the farm out of the blue .
There were families enjoying the falcons , owls and other such animals , just enjoying a day out .
The spath walked up to a family confidently and said to one of the children enjoying a rare breed rabbit :-
” do you like the rabbit ? ”
The child replied ” Yes. ”
By now her ex husband and his staff had all but surrounded the spath but were powerless to intervene for fear of causing a scene amongst many young families .
” I am the owner ” it said with a sly little grin on its face
” take the rabbit home with you ”
” are you sure ? ” said the child s parents
” oh yes ” said the spath
And off it went , back down the sweeping drive towards the priceless view that it had never appreciated in its life of the bay below into the distance with that smug little smirk across its face having caused her ex yet another problem for no particular reason ……….
This is really sad Nick. I am so sorry you are going through this and when children are used against you, it has to be the most painful soul destroying feeling of all 😦
I appreciate it , I hear what you are saying , I really do .
If I haven t started making some serious improvement in a couple of weeks I will go and see my doctors to see if they can refer me to someone . I know its not normal to live under this kind of stress which is why I guess I knew I had to see a psychotherapist in the first place
Thanks for the beautiful comment and your words of encouragement. Last night I had a nightmare, although not lucid, more than likely originated from deep seeded thoughts about what I went through all of 2012 to July of 2013. Before I went to sleep I took about 5 mgs of melatonin and I literally tasted and heard sounds that were reminiscent of my dark days with my expath. It took me a long time in dream minutes to fully become conscious and even at the less than conscious level the nightmare was still like ether diffusing throughout the room. One thing I experienced upon fully awakening, I was less severely depressed, whereas months earlier I would have all but resisted getting out of bed and seeing daylight.
. Regarding couples therapy at this point, is probably not an option, due to financial belt tightening. To this day, I think my expath had something to do with my job loss, but my former workplace was full of lies and deceit too which compounded my long lasting period in Hades, but that is another story.
. As of now I stay present, drink very little, work on a contractual basis, and do the best I can to be a father and a husband who is missing major visceral structures, particularly the ones that enable passion. As an aside, my wife has an extremely manipulative family who is pushing her to kicking me curbside while my family thinks her family were the initial impetus for our marriage to go astray. It is getting late here across the pond and over1500 miles westward from there (assuming you reside across the Atlantic in or near the UK). The best to you and all the support here from others.
Do you have ptsd sdm?
Some days are great, but the PTSD is not as severe as it was. It is when I have a random nightmare, I feel as though I went back a step in the recovery process. Still no contact for over 6 months and I am glad I stopped it then because the hell I would have endured had I kept contact would have been unimaginable. I hope you are doing better and thank you for reaching out. Sometimes when I look back to what happened a year ago, I find myself in the midst of hell in both Northern Arizona and southern California where all the interactions took place, but less severe than say two months ago. In addition, my wife and I were estranged and her sociopathic family was trying to manipulate her, which they have been successful at for over 10 years, much earlier than when I met my female spath who saw this as an opportunity to draw me in and wreck havoc on my marriage.
If the nightmares are coming back, maybe look at what is triggering you right now?
Practice breathing…. and think of a special calm place. That is what I do anyway, I try to take time out. I do come back, but sometimes it can take a while.
Thank you so much positivagirl, you are great and have helped me want to try to learn to live again. I always wish you the best and you are a great help because people across the pond that I associate with do not understand the hell nor the complexity of the healing process.
I was told to try and stay in the present in your mind , not think about the past or the future . I can do it sometimes but I find it hard to keep up for any length of time .
Maybe give it a try ? Anything is worth a go
Keep on chipping away
The grounding technique has really helped me with PTSD. Overthinking things involving my ex spath is exhausting. For “grounding”, pick an object in a room. Focus on every detail about it. What is it made of, is it smooth or rough, is it soft or hard, is it painted, etc. after doing this with one or two objects, my mind is cleared quite a bit. It’s worth a try. Anything to relax and refocus.
The “grounding” technique you mention is interesting. When I was in the soc’s presence (like close proximity, in the car, etc.), I would feel the need to do this to clear my mind of him. I felt like he had some psychic mind-reading abilities because of things he would say like, “Man, does your mind run constantly like that all the time?” I asked what he meant. He said, “You know.” I said, “I’m not thinking anything.” He said, “Yes, you are, and, yes it does.” He would just look at me and smile. I would purposely focus my mind on other things to “escape” him and not have him know my more personal thoughts.
I used to have a solid “poker face” growing up, but became more transparent as an adult. I also felt the need to seriously employ this with him.
You too, my heart goes out to you because my situation is not as severe as yours. Staying present helps tremendously, although sometimes easier said than done. We just have to be as present as we can for family in spite of the aftermath. The best to you Nick.
And to you . I suppose these ” humans ” must answer in a higher court than we can ever put them in eventually .
One thing is for certain. None of us will be in the dock with them .
As bad as it is for me , her ex husband had it worse , its almost unimaginable to me how he has survived it , let alone found a lovely woman ( they are engaged )
How he managed to face the public & run a business in the year after his nightmare , I will never know , so there is hope for us all yet .
Hey Nick, Thanks for the words of encouragement. You hang in there too. Financially I got slashed and it could have been worse to where I would be 6 feet under after my expath took everything else and would have hung me to dry. NC is the way to go and I am sure her next victim(s) is/are getting eaten alive. Hope you have a good week, cardio workouts help tremendously and I don’t care if 2/3 s of the USA are in a deep freeze, I plan to jog in sub zero weather. Cardio mitigates ones susceptibility to SAD in tandem with meditation.
One thing is for certain. …… As night follows day the next love interest / partner of your spath is doomed …… Its quite incredible how certain it is to happen .
I ve stopped boxing since just before xmas as I had a bit of a scary moment with a potential detatched retina . I ve had an eye exam and it isn t , but it just reminds me of my eyesight so thats that . I could do without any further problems . Weight training 3 days / wk & cardio 2/3 days is all I will do from here . I am fairly careful diet wise , luckily my mate who I m staying with is massively into training & diet , I owe him and another friend a huge debt for keeping me on track ( The spath stopped me training for about 4 months )
You keep on running and eat regularly and well . I was feeling sick every time I ate , but it seems to be passing . We both have to get through this nightmare at some point . April is my next marker , it will be 1 yr NC , that part of it is relatively easy for me as I just view the spath as a robot , no emotions whatsoever apart from hateful evil reside inside these things . It literally makes my skin crawl when I think I touched it , I never really understood the meaning of that phrase , but I do now ….,..
Keep on hour by hour , day by day , force yourself to get up and make a difference in your children’s lives , its what you are here for
You too, Nick, I’ll touch base with you soon, we just have to keep moving forward and regard the horrid experience as a robot too. Are you in Wales, hopefully warmer there than the great plains and the mountain west in the US. I’m sure it is warmer because of the ocean current, but daylight might be lacking more at this time of year.
A small town called Pontardawe just North of Swansea in South Wales , having a thunderstorm at the moment , lightning the works ! But still not dropped below freezing yet , its very mild . Its about 230 am and I m watching Godfather 3 wishing I had the type of firepower that Michael Corleone has to deal with his mortal enemies , thats life I suppose 😦
Once its finished , I will try to get some sleep , then up for a hike on the mountain behind the house in the morning before work , then the cinema in the night with my daughters .
Keep on plodding along yourself , have a run in the snow over there !
I ve never seen bad weather over with you , I ve only been to WaltDisneyWorld for New Years a few times , so it was quite warm , where abouts do you live over there ?
Moved from Phoenix area recently to east of the front range part of CO, which includes Denver, just outside of city limits, but in the plains. Have family in Florida, near Orlando and in the metro NY area and in Omaha Ne. Expath is somewhere in central CA over 1000 miles away making the NC much easier than if she lived in the same town or within a short drive. Sounds like you got a nice area to hike.
Could do with 1000 miles distance as well ! Unfortunately its unlikely to happen 😦
Yes its a lovely area , the mountain starts literally 50 yards from the door , much bigger ones are 20 minutes away in the Brecon Beacons which is an area of outstanding natural beauty , very tiring today but worth it , eaten properly today which helps alot
Hey Nick, Just checking in from across the pond hoping you have a good week.
Yes still grinding on ! Hike today ( was a bit wet but all good stuff ) had a bit of a blowout chinese food & wine last night , back on good training tomorrow , u ok over there ?
Everyday has its own challenge, but I had some good merlot and turkey. Good meditation and workout. Have to engross myself with heart, circulatory, and pulmonary anatomy because I am getting a brutal exam on it, but at the same time, negative thoughts are less likely to trickle into my cerebrum which in turn would likely activate my more primitive brain regions associated with PTSD aka the limbic system. Take it easy. Heavy metal music devoid of emotion tends to calm me ironically. If you want I can drop you names of bands that are less likely to put me in a bad mood. One example is the Dead Kennedys, which is good workout music too.
How about classic Punk? “anger is an energy?!”
I know it’s completely ridiculous, but why can’t I stop heavy rotation of Steve Winwood ??!!! 😉 lol seriously, it’s all I want to sing along too, ” make me a higher love, oh oh ” ” the finer things keep shinin’ through”. ” Back in the High life again” — puts in the right head space– even with the 80/90s vibe 😉 Whatever works, whatever’s Clever– el
Traffic- Steve Winwood
Dear Mr fantasy — creepy & true dat
Are You Feelin alright? Not feeling too good myself– soc anthem
Im tired & I Can’t find my way home……..
I will make a point of listening to them , I find some Deep Purple or AC/DC helps , Xmas songs were a big no go area for me
Tried a new gym today with the lads , very good equipment there , put me in a good mood !
Deep Purple is awesome, they cover Beatles and Hendrix songs during the 60s era. However, they do it in their own unique way. Glad is a great tune by them circa 1968. All of Black Flag is good, Guttermouth, Radiohead, Phish, and Tool
No Christmas music for me either or 2013 pop music
Music is still a big trigger for me – it might be a song he says he liked, or it might be something that when I listen to the words, it sets me off.
Nothing like bursting into tears while in Los Angeles traffic – plus I feel like an idiot for crying in public.
I’ve found that my iPod is the best way to listen to music now. I have music on there that makes me feel good – right now, I’m hooked on “Tommy” by the Who. =)
I keep the car radio down fairly low so I can get to it quickly if there is something I can t bear on there . My prob is slightly different as have no particular tunes with the spath , but a pile that remind me of my wife ( our relationship was destroyed by the spath )
Spandau Ballet is my Wife s fav , I can t go near them ( we spent a lovely cpl of days seeing them ) , Bryan Adams we went to see as well so I can t touch this either .
I love about 3 or 4 of the Who Tracks , I suppose we just have to manage these things as best we can .
Also , just remember , there is nothing ….absolutely nothing that can be done to fix your sociopath , they are untreatable and incurable , stay as far away from them as humanly possible – human being the operative word ……
How you doing with things ?
Thanks for checking on me. I have my ups and downs, hoping not to be blindsided by depression. Reading about one’s trek on the Appalachian trail which keeps me ensconced. Hope you are staying healthy as best you can, even though it is easier said than done. Wish you a good Sunday and it is still Saturday here. Going to play some Danzig while I read. Feel like I am on a figurative island at times, but may get out tomorrow in warmer weather. The best
Worked very hard yesterday & today , out in about an hour in the local pub ( very traditional chilled out place ) with 3 good friends , probably have some decent food at some point , a little lie in tomorrow till about 10am then hit the gym and work again .I hope to take my daughters out later this week to the cinema . I am very tired today so hopefully some good sleep tonight , fingers crossed !
It is helpful to stay busy and to keep the people who understand around you. I kind of wish that we had friendly neighborhood pubs in LA, but I don’t do bars and won’t go out alone, so I don’t get out nearly as much as I should.
Personally, I am taking this time to further my education and hopefully by the end of this year, degree in hand, I can make a huge positive step towards looking forward and never looking back.
Hang in there. The future is not written until we write it.
Hi Celeste ,
It does help , I felt ok last night had a very nice time in the pub , took my youngest Daughter to school today .
I had an anxiety attack about half an hour after dropping her off just worrying about the enormous task of rebuilding my life savings after the P stole every penny I had saved up . Had decent healthy food today then trained . I m in work now so I am relatively ok , I hope you pass your degree with flying colours as I m sure everyone who writes here does . I have no doubt you will , let us know how you get on !
I know what you mean about not going out on your own , I don t even like going to the local store alone or being in the house alone , I don t know how this can be , its never bothered me before , my confidence is shot to pieces 😦
It gets better Nick I promise with each day of NC and for me, I covered all my comings & goings & loved ones in daily prayer for protection & peace of mind-prayer & grace slowly restoring me and the fragments are coming back together into one. I felt fragmented & my life shattered– I lost confidence & had soo much fear— I have a gentler, more subtler confidence returning– withdrawls are a really important part of the process– all the pieces of you are called back– it hurts to live & see how scattered but also good to know that all the pieces are there they just got shook up & lose— moving through the shock & awe.. You start to pick up the pieces and hold each one with care & love & gratitude as they fall back into place — needing extra love & care to appreciate each piece, how it fits, reclaiming them, shining them up & and carefully rearranging to fit back after a little tweaking. Piece by piece, slowly you will see yourself re emerging but takes extra gentle love, time & care. You don’t do it alone, others will remind you & give you pieces back by love & understanding– with each piece of your heart, soul, body, mind & spirit you will renew + rise to meet yourself– hope, joy & peace return & not as easily shaken or lost– self love glues the puzzle of you back with all pieces intact & rightfully yours to own & cherish. The hurt, blessed, broken & repaired pieces are are beautifully & uniquely you — the soc may have shook them, torn them, tried to steal them but to avail–they belong only to you– you are real and can now truly with new appreciation see & be who you are & the gift of your life — celebrating each day of just being the loving, forgiving, capable, feeling person you are & always have been. Feelings are temporary & always changing, feelings are not facts — but can guide us 😉 One day at a time, you are not alone, you are love & you are loved. pace e Bene, EL
To no avail — correction****
Inspired by your words. Hope you are well.
I’m good, each day a little better, and I’m a little stronger at the heart of me– seriously one day at a time– cliche or not! How are YOU doing sister?
I’ve got some amazing ladies surrounding me in 12 step recovery, I’m trying to share the hope, love & healing as we all walk together & recover– recognizing my love addiction– got to redeem it, we are looking for love that is true, good & beautiful — this what got me in T R O U B L E– learning to love thyself w/ Gods grace– no looking, fantasizing or dreaming –just trying to love & love in the present, embrace each moment , showing up, doing next right thing– gentle humility & trust in Gods will—
Have a Blessed week– ( I’m still moving lol, procrastination & energy low) EL
Thankyou EL ,
You are a very calming influence 🙂
Before I go to bed at night quite often I think of the day that the P pretended to be pregnant and demanded that I attend its house to discuss the future of the ” unborn child ” ( a suitably dramatic description as usual ) before we could attend the doctors the next morning ( which would have been a neat trick as there was no baby )
When I suggested the doctors first or meeting in a public place , the P went beserk , ” what are you afraid of ???? ” it said .
I almost replied ” false rape and assault charges at your hands . ” as I had only spoken to its former husband ( who was accused by it ) a day or so earlier for the first time . He and his family begged me not to even meet the spath ANYWHERE , not even with 20 witnesses .
I followed their advice ( and the advice of my friends who would have tied me up to prevent me meeting with the spath )
Something very very bad would have happened to me that night as the spath knew that the “gig was up ” . I will probably never know how lucky I was .
I can also identify with not wanting to go out , live or be alone afterwards– it’s healthy & natural instinct — we are meant to be in community & connected– the lack of empathic connection with soc– is a very vulnerable place– it highlights our vulnerability — I am even choosing to have roommates now, I always was so so independent & self sufficient to a fault — I think that attracts soc too– it’s not really natural for us, but we are conditioned to be islands! With time I’m less fearful but now, I have a sense of my vulnerability, less stoic & aware of my surroundings, being around only those I trust– not as open or trusting of others but in a self protecting, healthy boundary way– not in a bitter closed off way. I’m also pulling back from lots of social activity, business, distraction– learning this made me vulnerable w soc too, I’m listening to my body, mind & spirit, resting, retreating & friendship/social in healthy doses. Recovering can be exhausting, emotions are healing & mind resting & untangling– I need extra rest, less sensory over drive, I seek gentle, quiet, peaceful people, places & things. Exercise is a social, physical activity that gets me out, takes care & reduces stress– outside of that I keep things simple– I can attest that 4 months NC I’m returning to a little less fear & more secure in me & my surroundings– but not taking it for granted…always pray, pray and pray for gratitude, blessing & hope, faith & joy& peace that surpasses all understanding.. EL
I really know where you are coming from with sleep and waking up , its not pleasant at all .
Some nights I manage to drift off ok , but the slightest noise shocks me awake , then look out because you aren t going back to sleep again .
Regarding the waking up , I am lucky that 2 of my mates drag me out training most days otherwise the covers would be over my head all day ( this isn t me as I ve been a driven individual all my life )
It must be common with what we ve been through .
Nightmares too , very real ones invade your mind about what you ve lost familywise plus ones about the spath , I don t really know how this fixes itself somewhere down the line ? Its been happening daily for 8 months with me
“Kunlangeta ” the Inuit tribe call them
Wow. Just wow. Married 19 years. Am I that dumb? No, just trusting and that is a beautiful thing. It must suck to be the other person who can be cruel and simply all for himself. It took two affairs 13 years apart for me to finally be done. Sadly, now there are five beautiful children who are realizing who their father exactly is. Thankfully, they see through him very clearly and often give me a kick in the but to get me to see clearly. He conned me into signing a mortgage for a large apt. building and,,,,having our home up for collateral. See, he promised he wasn’t seeing her anymore, so I signed the mortgage. Lies. He actually wanted me to sign off any rights to that building, but I’m not that dumb. I took him back numerous times back in the summer, only to be lied to again and again and again. It sickens me that I had sex with him while he was loving getting it from me and her. Omgosh! Well, I am seeing an amazing Christian counselor who is really helping me see the truth….that my husband of 19 years and father of my five children is a liar and adulterer and doesn’t want to change, or just won’t. He had the nerve tonight to ask me to meet him at a bar. Said he wants his wife to come out with him for a drink. Little does he know his world is going to be crashing down big-time. Well, I guess he does know and that is why he keeps trying to schmooze me. No way will I stay here trapped living next to his parents business and sister’s family. Divorce is filed with the best in the area. He’s going to have to sell something to settle and he is getting nasty about it already. Thank you for this site, because you see, he has often blamed me for many things, like yelling and being controlling. Well, how long can a wife or mom wait for her husband come home night after night always with an excuse of somehow helping someone else. I lived a very lonley life all these years and won’t anymore. Even at parties, he wouldn’t show affection to me, only privately. And when I dated him, he’d always charm all the women (mostly married) where we worked, often tickling them and being inappropriate. He became best friends with another married woman when I came on the scene, yet always sent her very mushy love/friendship cards. He wanted her, yet denied it. She used him. I came second then. I should have known wayyyy back then!!! I refuse to let him back into our home, though he seems to just walk right in every so often. I’ve come to finally realize, that I am wonderfully and beautifully made, I am sweet, kind, and stand for the truth….I rock!. Thank you God. And….thank you so much for this site. You’ve seriously helped me get some sort of understanding to a very mixed up relationship. It’s all finally unfolding and I am seeing clearly now.
I am so sorry for what you had to endure. We have suffered way too much for these creatures. They have black ugly hearts. It deeply saddens me how we go up and down the totem pole. I hate how I was devoted and my spath was getting it from a “doll collection” on his cell phone. They are all recycled “pieces”. Once I left 3027019I realized I am just another doll on his phone. He always tries to come back for a “backup” plan, to all of us! Never would have imagined anyone to be so foul like this. It’s beyond even my imagination, literally. I am very happy and lifted, hearing that you feel good about yourself and know your worth. I’m just about there too, finally. The scams that they pull over on women and employers (if they can even keep a job ) is complete and utter BS. What a nutty ride…lol.
I just cannot believe the stories I am reading here. My heart aches for these women and men. It is just horrifying. WE are all beautiful creations. It’s a great place to be content with who we are and thankful for who we are. To love ourselves and know our great worth is a wonderful gift freely given and simply waiting to be accepted by each of us. I am thankful for the people here sharing their stories and the especially writer of this site. You are helping me, personally, to -wake up and realize what I am dealing with and what I have dealt with over the last 20 years of -wondering what on earth is wrong here and knowing all along that I was not crazy!!!! My prayers will go up for each of you, for healing of your hearts, renewing of your minds and strength to move forward to be amazing as you are who God created you to be and go out into this world and totally rock!! Much love to you all.
Thank you for your prayers & YOU rock! Those last few sentences got me all fired up 😉
Healing and Peace,
I have been doing well, as far as NC. His last outburst on Thanksgiving Day (plus what I have been learning from the blog and other research) made me see that the first step to recovering is NC.
Because I have PTSD as a result of this relationship, I find that I can be having a glorious day and then something simple as a song will trigger a flood of emotions. But I have been working on controlling that and have noticed that these episodes have not been happening on a daily basis.
So.. I opened my email this morning and the first one there is from the SP and he has added me to his circle of friends. I am ignoring the request, but I wish I could ignore the emotions. I am shaking and trying not to cry. I hate that after 16 months he still has this kind of control over me. I am a professional customer service trainer – one of the things that I taught was that bad people do not deserved to have control over your feelings and emotions, but I am having such difficult practicing what I preached.
I know the solution is to change all my email, etc. but it’s almost like my last stand. I don’t want to have to give up anything else because of him. ARRRGGGHHH!!!!
Does it ever go away?
Does it ever go away? I can say, for me, “that grasp” lessens with time. Do I personally feel emotional ties? We have children, so the tie goes between sadness and the awe of my stupidity in what I ever saw in him. We have know each other for almost 15 years, separated for 7 of them, I know him better now then when we were together, (no masks), still a liar, (why he bothers I have no idea, we both know I don’t believe a word he says). So personally speaking, I guess yes, the only way he can hurt me is through the children. Or else he would have nothing, I can not wait for no contact.
The reason why I am responding to you is because as soon as I read the part about him “inviting you into his circle” I had to laugh!! If you ever watched the movie “Meet the Fockers”. The girls father is a ex-CIA agent or something and he tells the boyfriend, “Now I want you to be “In the circle of trust””. And proceeds to put him through a bunch of tests to see if he’s good enough for his daughter. Same scenario. Trust me, but I will never trust you, so I will test your trust. I will never understand the NS. Truly.
Have a great day.
We have no children, I have no money left, and I trust no one – especially him, so I’m left wondering what he is up to, which makes me uncomfortable.
But on the other hand, I did not see “Meet the Fockers”. But I did see “Meet the Parents” and I’ve been giggling about the scene where he opens the champagne and knocks Grandma over. Thanks for that!
Oh trust is so hard, my poor boyfriend has suffered for every sin my ex, has committed, (I have enough baggage to never have to come back home)! I can tell you, slowly trust does make it’s way back. You have to trust yourself, I think the hardest thing for me to realize was I was a victim. I do not have this mentality. I am a survivor, fighter. Once I realized I was this JA’s victim, then I could really heal, it was okay, (not really, but you know what I mean), this happened, no I wasn’t stupid or inferior. He preyed on the fact I wanted to be loved. Which is wrong, and it happens obviously to men and women everyday, so I am not alone. Also I am not going to allow one soulless, evil person to change the core of my being. I have to much faith in The Lord, to be defeated, we all have our sad days, those are the days I am being carried.
Have faith Celeste, I too have been through financial ruin, public humiliation, had to fight in court for my children, almost lost my job of 16 years. So again trust in yourself, be good to you, you must be your own best friend.
Have a great Monday!!
Someday I will get myself to visit Socal again, but my expath brings back to many memories, particularly in the areas west of san Bernardino and east of Los Angeles, I-10 near Ontario. It is hard for me sometimes to see a movie that is set in SoCal. Anyway, NC is the best way, and it is hard no matter how big or small of an area you are in. It takes time and the feelings will become less intense. Wish you the best and Tommy is a great piece of work by the Who
Take care and my prayers go out you and everyone else going through this at various stages
I live in Hesperia, so I know where you are talking about! Small world huh? I’m sure you also know that bawling while on any freeway at rush hour probably wasn’t the best thing I could have done! But because I know that my spath is in Texas, that means there is yet another one out there running loose (eek!!) but there are those of us who aren’t spaths here too!
On the other hand, how about happy SoCal memories? Did you ever eat at the Hat? Best pastrami ever! Or shop at Ontario Mills? I love the Betsey Johnson store – I’m a purse-oholic. For me, SoCal is safe. My family has been here since the beginning of the 20th Century and frankly it’s far enough away from my spath that I don’t have to worry about him parking down the street and watching me.
After we broke up, he became a real creeper and because I realized I didn’t really know who he was, I didn’t know what he was capable of. I was always on edge and at least I don’t have that to worry about.
She is out of that area and the last I heard, she moved over 300 miles away up the central coast in some town that is loaded with crime. Her intensions were to wipe me out in every aspect. She had a record of drugs, adult neglect, and quite a bit of a rap sheet. Luckily I escaped before the worst came.
You live in a nice area within close proximity to majestic mountain peaks similar to a warmer version of the Denver area. I liked the palm trees, the eucalyptus smell, and the ability to experience a multitude of different places. Never experienced the traffic, hopefully you do not have far to travel out there to work or school. I only saw traffic during off peak times.
. Good to hear your expath is in Texas which is more than likely over 1000 miles from the IE, which will make it somewhat easier, to where he is out of sight like my expath. Do your best to not contact the expath, even when the going gets tough. LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, emails, cell phones, Skype, etc. have all but transcended physical distance.
. I did have good times in SoCal and there a great people there, but maybe in a year or so, I will travel to Phoenix and points north where I used to live as well as SoCal to make new memories that are better. Currently the furthest west I travel is west of Denver. For you the great thing about where you live, is that it is extremely spread out and you can get lost in the crowd. BTW be careful on those freeways because I have received tickets getting caught up in my sociopathic morass and not focusing on the road. The best to you, the music by Tool helps me as well as classic rock by bands comparable to the Who. However certain music is off limits to me which includes the music my expath pretended to like in order to mirror and manipulate me.
Here is an excellent video. A narcissist explaining what they really think and feel. It is an animated video, very insightful and helpful. http://youtu.be/4W9JABrPXHY
Thanks for this brilliant article. I’ve been struggling for years trying to understand and see him as a normal person but failed. Says one thing, then denies saying it. Accuses me of many ‘crimes’ he does not me. Ruined me financially, broke my heart and dropped me. Hoovered me back blah blah blah…….. I’m certain I’ve accepted the situation and the door is closed. Sorry for you experience too. It sucks right?
Yes…. it sucks….. it also drives you crazy and makes you feel like you are losing your mind 😦
Hi, this weekend is good for me, since this occasion i am reading this great informative post here at my house.
Reblogged this on ladams123 and commented:
omg, this was so helpful. You are completely on the money. It is just more painful to watch all three of your grown children live in destruction. 10 years I have wasted.
Thanks for reblogging ladams I am so sorry that you have had to experience it with children 😦 10 years is a long time, but – on the bright side, you should hopefully have a lot longer than 10 years of your life left!! 🙂
Wonderful images to drive the point home. I am currently standing on the sidelines watching the sociopath/psychopath work his latest con and I am so freightened for her. He is after her money and I fear that once he is in control of her assets he will kill her. They have broken up a few times, but he wasn’t ready to let her go because the game isn’t over. If I intervene and tell her the truth about him, she wont believe me. She would tell him and then I would be accused of being insane & dangerous. He would then seek revenge and do somehting horrible to me. I remember the days when I hung in there and we would reconcile. I believed the lies, that he would change, but he never had any intention of being monogomouse. If she only knew of his double life. If she only knew his secrets and about all of the people and strangers he has sex with (men & women). She’s in her mid 40’s and wants a husband and family, so sad that she will never see any of that with him. He is wasting her life. I am so happy to be free.