If you have found my website and are reading, I am assuming that perhaps you are in pain. Either you are trying to understand what has happened to you, are feeling bad about yourself, and also a sense of sadness, that the perfection that was sold to you, was in fact a lie.
Is your heart hurting? Are you thinking about the good times? Are you reminiscing in your head, and thinking about what could have been?
If you are not, then perhaps this post is not for you.
If you are, then read on.
First of all, the first thing that I want to tell you is that the person that you are feeling sad over is about as real as….
You know those thoughts that are going through your mind? You are doing a re-run in your head of the illusion that was sold to you. The lie. When you get the picture of him in your head. I want you to transfer this picture to this:
No! I am not saying that YOU are a joke. You are the normal one here remember? In your mind you have the thoughts of:
And…..
These were the dreams that you were sold. These were the promises that you were given. It meant nothing. But it isn’t you.
You are the one who was real. You are the one who gave everything, with all of your heart. You were the one who shared your life, your home, your finances. You were the one who was putting in real actions to fulfil your dreams.
But in reality – whilst you thought you were getting this:
What you were actually getting was this:
And this:
And this:
Oh, and if you are still stuck on the ‘flowers and heart stuff’…. lets not forget this too…
Can you really forget those words that were said? The lies that were told to you? The control?
Remember also the …
Am I getting through to you yet? Or are you still stuck at ….???? This picture is the LIE!! This is what you were sold, this is the lie that you were sold…. and this picture in your head will hold you back!!
If you are stuck with that picture in your head….. remember….
Are you smiling yet? I hope so. This was the poem that helped me the most. I read this over and over. And it is really true.
Compulsive Liar
Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
While all around you are but pawns for your own use.
Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
In reality I watch as your psychosis gradually worsen.
The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.
Dating a Sociopath 
Dear positivagirl,
I know what you have gone through, as I have too. I am so sorry for your pain, but I am so glad that you gave us all hope and faith in a better tomorrow. You don’t know what you have done for me.
Cindy
Hi There, what a revelation! all except the description of over confidence….. all the things you describe are exact except the confidence thing…. it doesn’t fit my ex….. i keep thinking there must be a sooky type who gets attention through pure hoplessness…. i help him up….. he takes all he can get….. then he accuses me of sleeping around….. i knew….. he is so…. i dunno….. pathetic….. i help him and love him…. as soon as hes back on his feet….. he dumps me. leaving me with debt and heartbreak again. he has me scared….. i i cant beleive all this…. i try to make him snap out of it…. so he wont come and stab me in my sleep…. im scared to get a new boyfriend incase he hurts him….. its silly i know…. but sadly i wont feel safe until he gets a new victim. he has bashed two of his best mates over thinking the have slept with me! Broke one guys leg! his best mate for years and years…. has a wife and kids so did the other guy….. he has threatend to kill me…. i have to go to the police…. i tried to talk reason with him…. and he proudly showed me how he was stabbing things with a fishing knife over and over laughing. but a week ago he loved me tenderly…… a week ago he wanted to start a family….. but if i “go home” or leave his sight…. he imagines im with other men….. and he beleives it….. well not enough to tell his friends…. well the ONE he has left, shes female…. i think shes leaving town….. i think he just got another victim.
Hi Kaka welcome to the site. I think that all sociopaths are weak inside. This is why they behave the way that they do. You say about the lack of confidence – but he has confidence to treat you the way that he does. I do understand how you wont feel safe until he gets a new victim. If he has threatened to kill you, you MUST go to the police. Do not be afraid to do this. There is a possibility that he might lie to the police about you (as a word of warning) – this man sounds dangerous. Do you have support for you? Family/Friends?
How long does it take to get over this, I feel raped emotionally, physically etc. My favorite hobby is sleeping, I get consumed by the bs if I get downtime. This did not have to happen, all because I was the nice guy and stupid enough to get used. Thanx for your positive posts, they help.
How long it takes? Really is up to you. When you start to focus on you…. that is when you heal. Stick to No contact it helps and will help you to heal faster. Take one day at a time…
Thanx, no contact is what I have been doing for over 2 months. I’m just glad I got out before it was too late. I would have lost my whole family and several friends. Luckily people were there for me even though I was involved with the socio for about 2 years, and almost gave up on me. Had I stayed with her, she would have taken much more and eventually would have caused my premature death. Every day gets better, and I hope that’s the case for everyone on this post. For 2 years my situation was analogous to an alcoholic trying to quit drinking unsuccessfully. I look back at myself and could not even believe that I was the same person. The best to you.
Hi shamedepechemode
I wonder how you are doing today two months on? I broke up (finally) from my S three weeks ago and have remained no contact. Emotional rape is exactly right. I find it so hard sometimes…..feel heartbroken, confused, angry and keep playing things over in my head. Thankfully, I have a fabulous circle of friends who have stuck by me and are very protective….my ex has twice contacted me on Whatsapp (to which I didn’t reply), posted ‘heartfelt’ pleas on Facebook and turned up at my door with flowers on 16 October, declaring he couldn’t live without me. Fast forward one week and he’s online dating! (I set up a profile to try and get past this, but realised immediately this was the worst thing I could do and deleted it, but up he popped on a page of ‘matches’ before I deleted.) I don’t know if I was more shocked he was there or by the fact he used a holiday photo I took of him when we holidayed away together in the summer. Later, I became so upset by the photo and how thoughtless he was doing this. Clearly he’s gotten over me quickly too! Like you I’m taking one day at a time….some days are fine, others not. I’m hoping by maintaining no contact, that eventually the strong bonds I feel towards him will weaken and break, sooner rather than later. I still have difficulty getting my head around the whole idea of a sociopath, as it is so alien, and this I guess is their trump card and prolongs the agony for the rest of us trying to make a break and move on. Lots of love and healing
My ex did that, put up a photo on his dating profile that I had taken. I felt similarly to you. But I realised that it isn’t personal. They just don’t feel it that way. Last year for christmas I bought him a decent camera. Within a couple of weeks he had sold it. This time he was honest, and said I am trying, before I would have lied about it. Then he said ‘I just have different values to you’ …. he was right. Whilst I held emotional connection to things. He didn’t and never would. It just doesn’t exist. Well done you for establishing and keeping to No contact. You are right, no contact is the strongest defence that you have. it will force you to focus on you, and your life. It might be hard at first, as they deliberately create dependency and addiction. All I can advise is read read read as much as you can. The truth really will set you free!!! 🙂
Everyday it gets easier with no contact, it has been almost 5 months. Although sometimes I have a flashback or two, I realize the hell that I would have experienced had I kept her in my life.
. I just can’t believe that I let a person like that in my life and I sometimes still feel bad for what my family was put through. My wife told me early on that the woman was making up lies about me and was only out for herself. Sometimes I could kick myself for doing all I did for that socio. It is like, I want my money back that she used me for, but I am firm with the no contact. That socio will be alone eventually after she connived too many people, including her own family, what is left of them.
. Hope people on this forum are doing better
My heart goes out to all of you and it takes time. Getting rid of a socio is not an overnight thing
Getting rid of them physically is one thing, but it takes longer to get rid of them mentally and emotionally.
I’m starting from scratch again, hopefully tonight. I’m playing boring and blue in general. It’s making him respond more but maybe I’ll wear him out. If he breaks up with me, he may leave me the hell alone. I’m real sick of having fake arguments with a fake boyfriend (he says I cheat nonstop , well leave!) ugh
Thanks positivagirl for your words of support. I keep telling myself that my ex is emotionally devoid, hence the posting of the holiday photo (I had taken of him 2 months ago) on a dating website one week after our break up. You know, I can’t even imagine visiting the very special places I took him to for a very long time -it’s amazing that someone can have that effect on you in a relatively short time. I still go through a range of emotions towards him on a daily basis…I know I will get through it but just wish I could fast forward this bit. It’s hard knowing he’s back out there with his next target without a care. I’m glad things are getting better for you shamedepechemode and for others here who are going cold turkey or have come through it. At what stage were you ready to delete every reminder eg phone numbers, photos etc or get rid of gifts cards etc they gave you? I know this should be part of letting go, but I’m just not there yet.
Regarding my ex sociopath, I was the one who bought everything about 4000 dollars of it. Could have bought 400 shares of solar city stock at 12 a share and had 16000 dollars, instead of 0. In other words, she played the victim and felt entitled to anything that would benefit her. My phone number and all my email will stay the same, because even if she were to contact me, it would be to no avail. Her next step was to go after my credit by trying to convince me to go in on business dealings with her, f that.
All she cared about was herself and anyone she comes in contact with, especially females, will see her behavior right away. She moved in on me because I was having major marital problems and got me when I was far away from my wife out of economic necessity.
. Right now I feel I dodged a bullet, and I feel less of an emotional rape victim. There are times when a dream of the situation will arise, but when I regain my consciousness, I am able to regroup and enjoy the life I have and be almost whole again.
My advice is to get rid of any physical vestiges of him and focus on yourself, although easier said than done, in order to eradicate the emotional vestiges, which will linger. Sociopaths are almost analogous to a genetic anomaly; all the traits that are mentioned on this site fit my ex path like a glove. Regarding places we’ve been, I am almost ready, maybe in six months to revisit them with a new mindset, not letting her from precluding me to enjoy future visits. In other words, the chances of running into her in the Los Angeles area are slim to none. Just keep the no contact and feel free to talk to me at anytime, glad to help anyone on this forum. Don’t let a sociopath suck you dry, you all are much better than that. Thank you too positivgirl you are a great inspiration and are helping us all out.
Like you shamedepechemode, I spent a lot of money on this guy, which I really didn’t give a second thought to at the time, as he’s divorced with 3 kids and on a lower income than me. I thought taking him on holiday to meet my family and seeing somewhere new would be good for him and our ‘ailing’ relationship. I was a little surprised at how easily he accepted this and another ticket I had bought him earlier in the year to go visit his elderly parents whom he claimed he was concerned about, but of course dismissed that feeling. All in all the tickets cost around 1300 euros. I also bought his kids clothes – don’t know if they ever received them as I never met them. Of course he knew what my salary was as I receive a monthly text from the bank when my salary goes in, and he had put spyware on my phone (I found out several months after he had installed it) so he would have known this. I think this is what shocked me the most. He was very teckkie in general. He used to ask to see my Phone regularly. I also found out he had visited jailbreak sites on my iPad and tried to break the password to my cell phone, both of which of course he denied vehemently and said I must have done it myself! To keep the peace I swept it under the carpet. My friends are concerned he has bugged my apartment ; when he turned up two weeks ago with flowers and declarations of how he couldn’t live without me, (I had split up with him two weeks earlier) he made a strange request. Sensing perhaps I really was serious about not getting back with him this time, he asked me to do him a favour and not move out of of my present apartment; he needed to know I would be there so he could deliver flowers, cards etc on special dates, but he himself would never knock on the door or bother me! What is that about??! Thankfully, I am moving next week which of course he doesn’t know and I hope he never finds out, though he did remind me he knows where I work. I’m hoping now he is back online dating (although who knows if he ever wasn’t) that I will be replaced and forgotten very soon. I’m sorry for rambling quite a bit, but this site is the best place I’ve come across for information, advice, sharing and support…..thank you so much positivegirl and everyone else posting here….we are all here for each other and that means so much. Hugs to everyone x.
Thanks Cindy, that means a lot, and am pleased that what I have written has helped you!! 🙂
Thank you so much for articles on this site. It helps me SO much. It is all so very true. You have put in words everything what I am coming to understand about my sociopath ex boyfriend. I will write some examples from my own experience as comments on some of your articles. It’s very helpful to read other people’s experiences …we see similarity… we are helping each other to heal by exposing it. Sociopath power lessens when being exposed in its naked ugliness…truth is stronger than anything.
Thank you Caerra,
I am glad that what I write has helped you!! Truth is always powerful, and will always set you free – and release control over you!
yes, its been tough, I pray every day I don’t hear from the guy I dated, for 4 years, he was a true sociopath. I was used my family was used. yes, im hurt, but it be worse if I married, are had kids. I did lose, my home, a car and my mind, lol. but im getting things back together. This time, Im stronger, and where I never called the law, I will. because im not putting up with no more, I ve had to delet my facebook, change phone numbers, about 50 times. somehow he follows me on all my personal stuff, gets passwords. a real crazy person!! I refuse to live this way. but yes the articles, helped me, to see the light. and to move on. and thank you.
Your welcome Sonja,
That invasion of privacy, its like emotional rape – or at least that is how it felt to me. He kept close tabs on everything. He also hacked my facebook and my email. i had no idea how he managed to do that. But he was determined. He read all my personal emails going back years. And then tried to use that against me.
How long ago did you split up with him?
Thank you for this blog. It’s helping me to cope with a break-up with a sociopath who exhibited three personas- Mr. Nice/Mr. Nasty & Mr. Cold-no emotion. One day he was telling me how much he loved me and by day’s end was finding ways to avoid me. All of what has been written in this blog mirrors what I experienced. The sad part is that some friends & acquaintances didn’t and/or still do not believe that he’s anything but a super nice guy, and have accused me of having a fear of relationships/insecurity and/or co-dependency and discounted my skepticism about his behavior throughout the relationship. Time for new friends, and thank you again for helping people recover from this emotional trauma.
Yes they do that. Tell you that they love you to ‘lure you in’ find out what you are doing, and make sure that you do not go off with someone else. Then when you respond to that love, they go into avoidance. That on and off of emotions, which can be really heartbreaking.
I know how you feel, when everyone else thinks that he is Mr Nice guy they do a good job of playing Mr Nice an Mr Charismatic, but all they are doing is charming and conning them too (selling them back themselves and their highest image of themselves)…
It can be hard to start again from scratch, sometimes a good clear out can be good for the soul!! 🙂 Thanks for your comments, am glad that you find what i write helpful!! 🙂
First of all let me thank you for your words. Mi “Pinocchio” have the same script of your sociopath, it seems that rhey read the same “rule book” (a book I never imagined can exist). “At last I will have a real family” (his 3 childs were never his family?) “I am tired I want to rest at last with someone that doesn’t bring chaos to my life” (so he was a victim of his three exwives? ) “I can’t be with you as I want with all my financial responsibilities” (2 bankruptcy 1 foreclosure, criminal charges for bad checks can said a lot about these responsibilities) So, you said to yourself I’m here for better or worse, and when at last you open your eyes you see that you are in debt with everybody, yourself too. “I want to be in one place, with you” (but he had lived in less than 20 years on 6 states and have moved more than 18 times) “You are special to me” (if I am so special why he hurts me?) “You can trust me, everything will be different with me” (and at the same time his talking with his exwife of how can they make everything better and flirting with an employee at his gym beginning his act with a new prey) I trust him and I feel ashamed of how can I be so naive to give my soul and the best of me to such a liar…now I’m trying to get back on my feet. To all the people who will met the living Pinnochios, take care of yourself, hear your guts…if it is so good to be true, it is not true.
Hey thanks for you comment. You are quite right. This is what they do. They are sales people. They sell you a sales pitch, which is often opposite to the reality of what they have to offer and who they truly are.
Everything is reverse, back to front. Sometimes, I think that this is the way that they are. They think differently. Mind works differently.
My daughter is under the spell of a sociopath now….every time I’ve tried to talk with her about this, it just turns her farther away from me, so I’ve had to be content just to shut up. But I’m bookmarking this post towards the day she comes to her senses…..
I am reading this post of yours in stunned silence…and, recognition of what exactly I was/am going through. The hardest part? Realizing you were not loved, and not only not loved, but used and so easily discarded.
In life you want to believe that all humans have their moment of reflections of past harms done, and to deal with the remorse of days past, but to come to realize that there really are some people without the genetics or social upbringing to do this makes it a little more understandable, but it still hurts. It hurts like understanding a hurricane or a tornado. One knows they are destructive from past experience or general knowledge, but until one is confronted with the actual devastation themselves, the pain is fictionalized. The pain is a real beating pulse that is relentless when experienced first hand.
There are times I am okay. I am moving inch to inch forward, sadly, but moving. Then, I regress and I can barely get out of my bed. If I were not a mother, I hate to think how quickly the darkness can just suck me in forever, but I must keep going because I have a child that needs me. I cannot selfishly fail her because of my hurt. She is the ONLY reason I get up and go—I will admit it.
Thank you so very much for this post. I will re-read it over and over again, along with the self help books. I am seeking counseling, and I am choosing my confidents to share this with. I write, I run. I am trying. I am trying so hard to keep moving.
Stick to No contact, just keep going. I promise that it does get better. I should have a support forum here next week…. so there will be more people here for support. It is a struggle and those photos were all from early in my blog. And that was really how I felt, when I had that picture in my head of the romance etc… and how none of it was real, did really hurt me.
Keep going , there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I was with one for 33 years, married for 26 years. It is so painful, what they do to you, but you must realise, you are special & walk with your head held high. Don’t have any contact…
Wow Marie, you too are a very strong woman I spent 25 yrs. with mine as well, Im in recovery it will be 1 month no contact the 21st of Sept. Goodluck Peace an love 🙂
Hold in there, it will get better. I was exactly where u were. It was extremely hard like suffering bereavement of someone very close to you who died suddenly. I remember wanting to sleep all the time, it was easier without the torture of thinking of him every second.
I dated the guy for a year and fell hard for his extreme charm, poems of undying love, constant admiration and attention. He was good looking and very sexy. I thought I found the holy grail of”true love”. Jealosuy and control issues started up, by then I was in way too deep, in love, to leave. I wanted him in my life no matter what. Then when I couldn’t give him what he “deemed” healthy for a relationship, he left me high and dry. I was devastated cause I changed everything for his demands. I barely could breath from the shock of his departure. Claiming I was the one who didn’t do “enough”. For the relationship to work. But I did do everything for him. Except I did argue back with him over his extreme jealousy demands. For a year I was a total mess with depression and thought of him constantly. I wanted him back:(. Eventually he did come back after a year. Said he was a better person. So we continued seeing each other for another three years. In summary, i left him a month ago. He never changed, I slowly fell out of love and respect for him in those 3 yrs. last words he got from me was a text saying have a good life. I’m done.
I haven’t cried, I don’t feel lost, I am amazed how almost a whole day can pass and I barely think about him. When I do, it’s like a blank wall. Nothing registers in my mind, heart or soul with him anymore. Such a huge difference from before but eventually it will happen.
Hello TLB, I too left him a month ago, it will be a month on Sunday the 21st of sSept. what you posted also. resignates with me, when he comes to mind the achey breaky feelings are a thing of the past, thank God, all I feel is pity for him now. Thanks for your wise words¡¡ Peace an Love…
Licking my wounds, and cannot believe I spent a large amount of money only to get scammed. Places like Ontario, San Dimas, Salinas, Arizona, etc bring back horrid flashbacks. Corona del mar will take time before it becomes that beautiful beach I once knew.
Knowledge gives power, knowledge give freedom…now you have an answer to the “Why?” …now it’s your time to be powerful to regain your freedom. So please, remain strong…
Oh my god. I laughed for minutes at the part where you asked us to replace our image of our sociopaths with Ronald McDonald. Thankyou so much for this perspecitive Positivagirl! Laughter really is the best medicine and that rocked. Thankyou so much for ALL of your posts on this site though. It is a generous spirit indeed that shares her knowledge to prevent others suffering pain.
You are welcome!! Laughter is absolutely a good therapy for the soul. And well they are… just ridiculous really.
You are so right. I actually made that picture into my exes profile picture on my phone so that every time he calls or sends a text, Ronald McDonald shows up. A great way to train myself into that association! Thanks again Positivagirl. You are a ray of light!
Haha that is BRILLIANT!! 🙂 I love it!!! 🙂
Couldnt agree more with; Thankyou so much for ALL of your posts on this site though.
And in particular;
It is a generous spirit indeed that shares her knowledge to prevent others suffering pain.
Thank you!
Thank you for your comment Emma!!! Knowing that what I write makes a difference to help others makes it all worthwhile! 🙂
You are welcome!! 🙂 It is quite an experience being with a sociopath…. your head is spinning as they are so deceptive, you spend most of your life, trying to uncover the lies!! Yes funny that poem, was sent to him, when I had no clue of the extent of the lies I was about to uncover. And every time I read it, it really does make so much sense. Much of this blog was written whilst he was still around every day. So it follows his crazy behaviour!! Nice to meet you!! Your not alone there are so many of us out there!! 🙂
Thanks for deleting what I asked u too. God Bless you.
I do not think I was supposed to use that name so I changed it.
Ok Bewildered will delete for you!! 🙂
Debi needs to be deleted, not the name bewildered…
Wow. For so long I was in the dark, but all I’ve read has made me see reality. Gosh was I suckered in!! I’ve just left my ex a voicemail, calm and carefully thought out, saying goodbye. I don’t need an explanation of the destruction he bought upon my life, I have it now and realise HE was never going to give me that. For the first time since we spilt (3 months) we talked yesterday, oh how much he misses me, thinks about me everyday etc etc…..I almost fell for it but then his actions became typical. Validated what I suspected and wiped away the doubt. Am in search of yes elf again, I know she’s there somewhere and I WILL find her again and I will go on to shine while he becomes a tarnished shabby regret. Ronald McDonald shall become my companion for a while yet but what a powerful imagery to focus on……thank you so much!
You are welcome. I am glad that it helps you!! 🙂 yep its as real as Mr Mcdonald!! 🙂
Oh they stall for time, keep you hanging on a string the truth is they CANT change even if they wanted to. Their brain works differently.
I have to wonder, do they know what they are? If their way of thinking is ‘Normal’ to them are they aware of what they are doing? My ex soc/narc/psycho …. Not completely sure which one he is….is a once slightly famous musician and he has an advert on a talent site that states he’d like to try his hand at acting. That makes me think he’s fully aware and even ‘proud’ of this ‘outstanding talent’ in convincing people he can play a character? Am fortunate to have stumbled across this, and all the other sites dedicated to this subject, I’d have crucified myself thinking it was all MY fault like he tried to convince me. It’s been a saviour of my sanity to find I wasn’t going mad, I wasn’t a bad person. He was arrested for assaulting me and tried to tell me how much he suffered at sitting in a police cell for a few hours (I dropped charges as I just wanted him out of my face after 3 days of being thrown round my own home). For a while I was suicidal because of his accusations about being a bad person, I thank God I survived to learn what I have. I believe he would have danced whilst laughing on my grave and used my families loss to further his ‘I’m the victim’ impression he bands about. Oh if people really knew. He was a Jehovah’s Witness but the only part of the bible he actually practiced and made me all to aware of was the bit where ‘man is above woman, you do as I say and don’t question me’. The fact that he was married, a compulsive multiple habitual adulterer, indulged in porn and other ‘forbidden’ sexual acts, lied pathologically, ignored his children, lived like a parasite, and had no regard for any of his fellow men was apparently ok with his version of that religion. It’s a good cover for making people believe you have morals, empathy and a higher conscience than us mere empathetic human beings. I regret not listening to my gut instincts so many times, I’ve learnt this is a useful indicator of someone’s true intentions, it’s been a very costly lesson but I’ve survived and these sites have been my crutch. Day one of NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN, I won’t falter this time around, I want no part of that sick twisted toxic poor excuse for a human being ever again. Even my anger is subsiding now, not that you’d think that from my rant. It’s comforting to know there are people out there who understand that what I’ve been through is not the break up of a normal healthy relationship and that when I call him a sociopath or psychopath, that it is a real abhorrent experience that I have had to go through. I’d love to out him to the press but it might give a flagging career a much needed boost, and OMG that’s the last thing I’d want. He can carry on doing what he does but someone else can be working hard to pay the bills while he gets up to his weird sex acts while watching porn all day and trolling all his past victims to keep his options open in case of the need for supply. Wow it’s therapeutic to get all this off my chest with people who can relate to precisely what I’ve had to endure.
It is like an addiction. Each time you fail in a quit you learn something new to begin your quit again. Stronger with wisdom.
Its better to be a quitter with the occasional desire to contact ……. than in the relationship with the constant desire to get out!!! 🙂
I was so strong today, I was faced with the possibility of seeing him, I was almost accepting of this but all afternoon I kept thinking ‘if I was in his presence I run the risk of being weak and falling for his abundance of charm’ and the thought of being around him made me feel so uncomfortable I told him, my head was stronger than my heart now and rather than run the risk of ending back where I was, as his mistress, I’d rather be in my own. He’d lived here for 18 months when his affair was discovered. Went back to the wife when he was arrested for assault. But still he visits his previous mistress (the one with money he keeps in tow in case he needs cash) and now wants to see me too. I think that’s just plain greedy wanting your cake and eating it twice over! Of course the obligatory luring text has followed but I didn’t feel the need to respond, that’s a HUGE step for me. Maybe I’ve turned a corner in the healing process now. Maybe I have some of my emotions back under control at last. I feel sad but not over him, more for myself and having to go through all that. He’ll have to go back to his porn and his penis pump he uses while you’re out at work earning money to pay the bills…..do that again, no thanks….I’ll leave that to someone else!! Gosh today has been a GOOD day! I’m finding the Ronald McDonald imagery invaluable. When my mind wanders to him, I stop freeze frame and replace with RM….makes me smile, not sure ill ever go in McDonald’s ever again tho!!
Hey wow!!!!! Go you, it sounds like you are turning a corner. Yes, just that ONE little step, will again lead to another step …… and they are steps for YOUR own pathway. Stick with today, and the present. As that is all you have control over. You can do this, am really proud of you, Well done!!! 🙂 Maybe you should down load the ronald mcdonald picture and put it next to his number in the phone (if you have that type of phone)…. when he texts it will remind you!!! 🙂
Lol. I took his number off my phone and I’m not putting it back. I just hope I keep this up. I’m sure I will have bad days but I’m keeping my emotional triggers to a minimum, trying to live a gentle life for a while (found that advice on another website). I was always such a bubbly happy person and I know she’s still there, slowly coming back, didn’t realise how much of myself had become exclusively for him. Even that part of me was reserved for him, how did that happen? Such subtle isolation. On Mother’s Day I wanted to go see my mum and drop off her card etc on the way to his work. I waited for hours for him to stop messing about on his pc till it became critical to say someone as time was running out. He said if I wanted a ‘patsy’ that did whatever I wanted, I probably needed to see someone else. I went alone, didn’t get much time with her as i had to get back so we could leave to get to this function. My mum says she felt like she lost her daughter for 2 years. I lost myself for 2 years!! Sorry I keep rabbiting but I don’t feel anyone around me quite understands what I’ve been dealing with.
You talk as much as you want. its good to hear your experiences, and what you write here will help someone else too!!! I can promise you that. it is true. Take one day at a time, and be gentle on yourself it is a healing process. A bereavement which takes time for healing and recovery. Its nice to hear your comments.
Thank you so much for your page. It is the major source of my help right now. I just left him 2 weeks ago. I knew he was cheating, using other girls, fake loving me, the reptilian stare which always made me uneasy, crocodile tears, love bombing, gas lighting etc. I told him, “I blew it off, but no more. Do not contact me any further.” I haven’t heard from him in a week, but I am keeping my eyes open for the next shoe to drop. Immensely, thank you for creating this page. It has been invaluable to me! Literally, I have some hope in me now 🙂
You are welcome Tita, it is heartbreaking to go through. and those thoughts in your head can hold you back (of the hearts and flowers stage) the illusion portrayed by the sociopath. The crocodile tears? What is that about – they can turn on those tears – sociopaths would be fine actors!!
I know right! I do not understand why he was suddenly spending all of his time with me for the last month. Maybe the other source of supply left him, so I got her time too? He was overprotective of his cell, explaining that a guy on it was “just a friend”. What?! Always had a backpack full of clothes when he went to a fake job. He had weird fetishes. He never looked at women around me, but the cell had 15 girls on it. I cannot think straight with these odd details. Anymore thoughts? Literally, I need this site everyday. I’m still a bit broken 😦
The one thing I learned Lisa, is that you cannot make sense of the nonsensical. Remember that it was all a game for the sociopath. They think of themselves and are always playing a game. You could spend a lifetime trying to find the truth – it makes your head spin. Trust yourself your own judgement and your own intuition. And that cell phone thing, aragh – they are so focused on knowing everything about you and your life, and violating your privacy – whilst using lies and deception to have privacy for themselves, (and getting off on that too)…. You know he is lying about his cell – sometimes its easier to accept the lie it hurts more – but trusting yourself and your own intuition and having value to realise that you deserve more….. will see you onto the road for recovery.
However, where the muscle things through thoroughly understand. wWW! then weep Reba is not necessary to stay in, looked at the old, then allow more than just evening five o’clock this afternoon off really fast! Go back and see what happens first Yiyi it. Total first help her solve that problem three million in damages, or else she may suffer, but Zhu Hai city move on Yiyi color center, if nothing about them, their hearts Qiang trouble, go back and Luo Wei Xu Xiaoya it will not spare him.
Changed to Ronald McDonald . Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
It has been the most terryfying experience of my life .
From having my I.D. stolen, chequebooks stolen , credit cards hacked and used , email accounts hacked with me being locked out , facebook hacked and altered, ebay account hijacked again with me locked out ,defrauded me out of tens of thousands of pounds , defrauded me out of a business, my phone contacts all copied and tormented , she hijacked my Solicitor , Accountant , false allegations with bells on .She out within 24 hours where I had suddenly moved to ( after I had stumbled across Narcissistic Sociopath / Psychopath ) . I have had it all
The ” friend” that I confided in about my address and her condition promply told her ( she had been having an affair with him for months previous to that )
They moved in together almost immediately ( and no ….. I have no intention of warning the fool ……you reap what you sow )
She then learned that I had spoken to her ex husband and his new partner and they had filled in a thousand blanks for me . ( So far I have got away lightly – believe you me )
She was simultaneously having a sexual relationship with her bestest girlfriend who between them had convinced me that my now estranged wife ( a very nice woman indeed ) was cheating on me ( which is why I got together with my little Sociopath ) That relationship is now irrepareably damaged . My relationship with my children is severely damaged .
She almost drove me out of my mind with the lies ( that are all so reasonable ) Everything has ” Plausible Deniabilty ”
I could go on , but it would need a book . The lies that she accused her ex husband of which have resulted in him having no contact for 5 years with his little boy almost broke my heart in two , I nearly broke down in front of him when I realised it was all the most evil lies I had ever heard.
He and his girlfriend saved my life .
Run for the hills if you ever have the misfortune to come across one of these highly dangerous , plausible , manipulative, con artist Sociopaths/ Psychopaths
. They will rip your life to pieces . It is like the films , ” Pacific Heights ” , “Fatal Attraction “and” Alien ” rolled into one . In fact those films could be light comedy in comparison.
Stay safe
Good Luck…Ishmael, This site is wonderful, you can actually vent, and we all understand. Keep the faith, peace an love…
Thanks . I ‘ ve calmed down a bit over the last few months ! Read a huge amount about it and I understand that its quite a common disorder . Onwards & upwards from here . Its a tough lesson to learn though . I don’t think I will ever view the people quite the same again . Probably a good thing .
I am continuing to learn that in fact there is nothing wrong with me but with him. I have been in a constant battle with my self..doubting and questioning my own mind. Something put me in this path and I agree knowledge is power. This man came into my life and completely took it over. From day one its been constant attention except for the episodes where i start questioning him and our future that he retreats to his cave. As long as I am not questioning him then everything is fine. He has hacked every aspect of my life. My friends my family my phone my email etc. He monitors my phone and emails ..my every move he knows. He has been verbally and physically abusive and promises it will never happen again. My story is very long.. I have been in this for almost 3 years and the pieces are coming together. And of course I have no one to talk to because he has isolated me and made sure I have no contact with anyone.
The Ronald McDonald picture is hard to grasp because I am still trying to grasp all of this.. I will tell you one thing that even though I am feeling a little knowing that I am not alone and that there is help out there. Thanks for all you do 🙂
Thank you with all my heart for writing your Truth and sharing it here….I seriously considered it was me that was going mad. I have a way to go yet, but now have the tools, through you, to reach the other side, thank you.
Elizabeth x
You are most welcome Elizabeth, and welcome to the site!! 🙂
I am lost for words !! Reading this article was like reading through the pages of my own life. How wonderfully documented, how accurately you have identified the characteristics of these men and exposed them for what they really are . I had been realising for quite some time that my partner was definately ” emotionally stunted ” , that he cared nothing for anything or any one bar himself. But more recently I have watched him self destruct financially and socially as the web of lies that he had woven became so totally absurd that he has no friends and no business left. Fortunately I was wise enough to never get financially entwined with him despite numerous sweet talking charm offences to do so. A wonderful article, so accurately written, defining and portraying these hideous dangerous characters for what they are. I can not tell you how much better I feel as now I know that I have left, it will be for the last time and the cycle is now broken for good. Here’s to truth, honesty and a beautiful life .
Thank you Breda, and welcome to the site 🙂
Thank you again for your helpful words. I feel hopeful and extremely greatful for the tools you have given me as I work towards healing myself. I find myself drawn to your site many times a day for encouragement and strength, I feel so lost throughout my day. Which is crazy because before he cut me off he wasn’t really there anyway…it’s so crazy. I kinda laugh at myself a little when that crosses my mind. He wasn’t ever there for me, why do I even miss him….anyhow…thank you.
I thank you for this mental image, because really sociopaths are such clowns!
I am not sure why they are so hard to get over, but I think it is a little like getting over a piece of yourself. You wonder, did I take a wrong turn at Albuquerque? What happened?
I am coming up to 1-1/2 yrs apart and still feel sad sometimes but also angry at myself.
I want to move on and find someone normal, but sometimes i feel like who would want me? That is part of the self esteem issue that enables a S to get at you. So I want to be stronger and better first and maybe picturing RM will just do the trick!
My therapist recently pointed out to me that my on again off again boyfriend might be a sociopath. I think I’ve read every site dedicated to sociopaths online….I’m trying to find a way to believe that he is not a sociopath. Some things I’ve come up with….he never wanted to be with me all the time…in fact encouraged me to go out without him at times….he has had some friends for 10+ years….the majority of his traits do point to sociopath…literally making me feel crazy…he would play these mind games that would lead to me acting crazy…calling/texting him incessantly when he would disappear for days…then come back and tell me how crappy and crazy that was to do..saying things like “we aren’t dating, you can’t act like that” and then I’m like OK..we aren’t dating yet you sleep here, with me snuggling me, kissing me, loving me….naming our future children, planning our wedding and honeymoon…I just honestly don’t get it …like he needed to know that I wanted that with him and then once he knew it he needed to make sure he could rip it right away from me and make me feel like I made the whole thing up…so obviously I’d get really upset because I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because all my family/friends hate him already…. So he would be the only one who could make me feel better…additionally, he was the first person in my life who ever made me feel like I actually deserved to be loved..im scared to let that go…I’m wondering if he doesn’t know the level of his mental troubles…he would talk about how he knew how he was treating me was wrong, but then do nothing to change his behavior…The other really crazy thing is whenever I would get close to leaving him he would confide in me some crazy thing that happened (tragic car accident he witnessed that I can find no record of…complete with fake night terrors that started suddenly after months of us sleeping together, abuse in his childhood…..I’m pretty sure he even faked his grandpas death at one point) so I’d feel terrible for him and make more excuses for him…also he lied about everything….seriously everything …and at one point I said I would leave him unless he started telling me only the truth… He of course agreed, but id still catch him in little weird lies and just not bring it up..None of it makes any sense…I’m just so lost and confused and don’t know what to believe….after a really strange Facebook situation a couple weeks ago where a “stranger” had me look at this girls page that he had also been dating….I had enough and told him to stay out of my life….he said…fine by me you are completely crazy blah blah blah….and we haven’t spoken since….I slipped up and sent a drunken text asking what he wanted to do with all his clothes and stuff…but never heard back…I now feel like everyone around me thinks I’m crazy and paranoid….which my therapist says is normal….undoubtedly he is telling all his friends I am crazy…and it makes me sad….but not as sad as I am about actually letting him go…I mean he is/was my best friend……my perfect person….it can’t all be fake 😦
I’m trying hard to not dwell on it…but its impossible… Everyday I think of more things that were lies/mind games..but then doubt myself and wonder if I’m skewing the memory or something….. I just don’t know how to get out of this doubting myself/wanting him back pattern of behavior….I mean how does everyone else on this site KNOW their person was sociopath??? Any advise would be appreciated..
Hi Confused, I want you to know that how you are feeling is absolutely normal (its called the fog of confusion) we all go through this. We don’t want it to be true. Even if the evidence is staring us right in the face. If your therapist tells you she thinks he likely is, you still tell yourself that it isn’t true. You don’t want it to be true. As when it is true there is no hope. Which means that you went through all of that for nothing…. it can be difficult to accept. I think doubting yourself – is normal too. I have been there, I expect every other victim has been through the same. The more that you read the more you realise that we all experienced the same. From that similarity we gain in strength and support each other. It will take time but where you are, I have been there too, After the confusion, comes the clarity and reality that you cannot deny. If you stay in contact once you start learning you cannot fail to see the patterns of behaviour repeating over and over. You eventually realise that you just cannot lie to yourself anymore. The truth will set you free.
I ditched mine over 2 months ago, a woman, several years older than me, over 50, but she acted like an immature 25 year old. When I first met her she acted her age and acted like a sibling I never had. She also had a special needs daughter who she manipulated too, was 24, lived with her and provided more cash for her, even though she was neglected. I was the caretaker and used in every since of the word. She wanted to eventually have me move in, but her toxic traits were becoming more apparent as well as the fate I would have suffered. Right now, I am dealing with PTSD and convincing myself that all the good times we share were an illusion and were all part of her master plan. This site is kind of helping me, because many do not understand the intensity of the hurt and healing process. Thanks for some hope at the end of this dark tunnel I am groping through. However, had I stayed with her, I would be probably dead somewhere out in southern California.
We are in the same stage right now. We know what he is yet cant come to grips with the truth. My ex did the same thing. I sent thousands of frantic text messages when he pulled his disappearing/silent act. Circles to nowhere. ignore questions, change subject, when he knew i was fed up he would create some emergency situation and id lose focus on the real issue. He called me crazy, I’m sure his friends think I’m crazy. We never went anywhere. I’m hanging on to words from our first 3 mths together. He made me feel like I deserved to be loved and I deserved to know what being with an honest and loyal man is like. I’ve been stuck for over a year. Why? Because I’m afraid to trust my gut and move on because what if I’m wrong? All answers point to I’m right. I helped him financially since October now he has moved into another place temporarily and as I predicted he no longer needs me. No daily texts and he hasn’t asked me to visit him (my daughter is away so you would think with more free time we would hang out more right now) his phone accidentally called my phone and my voicemail picked up I heard him talking with a girl. It was no accident it was the perfect ammo needed to send me into an emotional merry go round for him to have a reason to blow me off.you see, that was his friend and she gave him a ride to his storage unit and I’m just a jealous crazy person. For a year he told me he had no friends no one to help him.thats why our friendship was so special. So how he suddenly had a female friend offering a ride on a Monday morn. At 830 am is confusing. He made me feel like he had a whole other life I knew nothing about. And he did and I didn’t.
Trust your gut. Walk away before he does more damage. I’ve spent a year and a half of my life in an emotional roller coaster alone. Confused as hell mad at myself and at him. I’m not crazy. I told him so many times i think you do this on purpose to make me crazy? Our arguments consisted of both of us presenting our evidence to each other, exact times and dates of who said what and when. It’s madness, it’s not normal. It’s not normal to be held hostage emotionally by someone. I’m stuck.
He isn’t begging me to stay. He just says enough to keep me lingering.
Ill never get closure. We will never have a discussion like normal adults do before we part ways. It will just be done and that’s it. I’ve said goodbye hundreds of times. I began to annoy myself.
Trust yourself with your life.
I’m sorry you are going through this as well…..crazy though…I’ve also been “accidentally pocket dialed” what a strange thing….I just can’t wrap my head around that level of deceit….
I just feel so bad…like if I’m wrong….I’m just another person giving up on him…. I just wish we could somehow just be friends so I could still have him around but not be hurt over and over…I know that isn’t an option..but it just breaks my heart… For me and for him….
We live in a small town and I’m just terrified to run into him….mostly because it will just hurt me to see him…but I can’t stay caged up in my house forever.. I mean he must be fine…I haven’t heard from him in a couple weeks…why does he get to be fine when I feel so sad and lost??
Sometimes I feel like OK with everything, excited to get my life back and other times I feel literally sick to my stomach and like I’m never gonna be able to forget about him/get over him..
I just really hopes this gets easier soon….because at this point I would have rather never figured out….because at least when he was around there were ups with the downs…..
He broke up with me a year and a half ago. But he wanted to remain friends and I was willing to try. He makes me feel like I’m the only person he talks to (I’m not) the only person who visits him (I’m not) he never goes anywhere (he does). I’ve struggled daily fighting in my head with myself, feeling alone, confused, never knowing where I stood, wondering what happens if he meets someone, what if I do? But how could I my life is him. Is he ok? Is he ok? Is he ok? The last 3 weeks…we’re hell. Ignored me, accused me of stuff and I realize instead of focusing on the original problem, I was defending my loyalty to him. It’s horrible. I locked myself in my room for a week. It’s CRAZY! Am I going to be ok? What happened to my old life. I wish we could be friends but I know we won’t be able to. He will just keep taking. He is so draining and so much of my life has been wasted on thousands of text messages going in loops. He says its me. I’m insecure. Maybe I am. But this isn’t normal. I’m going to be fine without him. he is driving me crazy keeping my mind always on edge never at ease. I’m stuck. A friendship will never work. It hasn’t and I’ve been trying for a year or chasing it for a year. I tell myself, time is all I need to get through this. we are in Los Angeles so we won’t run into each other, a mural friend we share but luckily we kept that friend out of our relationship and friendship and have both kept her as a close friend. I don’t burden her with our problems and neither does he.
We will look back one day and think wtf were we thinking. And hopefully laugh.
Absorption, I’m so sorry you going through that. I know exactly what that feels like. I do know that many times age is a factor. Teenagers and immature young adults many times can be this way too, because they are just still immature and don’t understand how others feel. There is hope for the young but it’s not worth the stress and strain you are dealing with. There are young people who are mature and not like this too. My motto for myself from now on is, “first flag of disrespect or dishonesty” I’m out. They say a relationship is the best it will ever be in the beginning. So if that’s there in the beginning I’m leaving. It hurts worse the longer you stay in. (((HUGGS)))
Thank you. Ill be 37 in December and my daughter will be 7 in January. I didn’t have the best childhood growing and have tried my hardest to make sure my daughter grows up to be a strong and independent woman. This experience has been a blow to my life but greatful I’m educating myself on this and doing something to change now.
Yes you are right Brioli — the relationship is the best in the beginning so if we are seeing these signs early we need to go. I let a lot of things slide at the beginning of my relationship that I should have dealt with. The hurt and anger would have been much less had I just done the right thing for me then! But hindsight is 20/20 and we need to move onward.
I keep trying to remember this quote. You can’t drive a car forward by looking in the rear view mirror all the time. I think that is a bit like our life — we can’t move forward if we are always looking back.
Bingo! You hit the nail on the head! 😉
Hello everyone. I am having a VERY bad day, constantly thinking of the sweet loving (dupe) part of this guy (predator)! Having a companion, going out to dinner and being held blah blah blah. He lived 1 hr away yet in the end he came over and smothered me 4 days a wk. This is the stage before discarding right? Getting me dependent? Glad I am the one that left! I never gave money or paid for anything, but every other sign was there…literally. I am committing to reading this particular page all day and night if need be. I’m using my sister to “hold me accountable” if I get off track again. Motivation! I’m thinking of everyone here and I want everyone to hang on with me. NO CONTACT! 😉
I’m trying. I can’t stand that I just sit here and think about the whole situation. I’m not even trying to put the puzzle together. I’ve been trying let go for over a year. The other day he text me “please don’t leave me” I had to laugh and I thought wtf everything he does is telling me to leave and that text is supposed to keep me here… So sick of it. I just want to pull my brain out of my head and shake all of him out of it and put back in my skull. But I’m trying. Day one (again) 8 hrs no contact. Lets hope I make it through the day.
You and I and everyone can’t just try, we have to “DO” it. Aren’t we worthy? Don’t we deserve respect? Stick to it with me! 😉
I wondered too if my guy wasn’t a soc because he didn’t spy on me or try to get me away from friends or look at my phone or try to steal from me but I believe they find new ways of behaving with new people because some of their old ways didn’t produce the results they wanted. I remember after being involved with him for over 2 years, a waitress referred to me as his girlfriend and he said “we’re just friends”, it was so humilating but I realize it was his way of keeping me off balance and keeping him in control. I gave him $500.00 very early on and he gave me half later but other than that, I never gave him money and we never lived together. I think he knew I wouldn’t do it and had to have another source. He gets money from his dad but is behind on many bills and has had liens on his house for unpaid HOA fee’s and not paying property taxes. He started painting the inside of his house almost 4 years ago and it’s not even 1/3 the way finished, he still has tape on the walls to protect stuff but never finished. I never understood that until I read how easily they get bored and need constant excitement, I’d be excited with a finished project! He has several things broken in his house, a toilet, a kitched cabinet door, a burnt out lightbulb in his refridgerator, all for over 5 years, who could stand that???
My family never met him after 5 years, he has no friends, loves porn, is really mean to his poor dog and got super mad at me if I said anything to him about how badly he treated him, I could write a book too but am luckier than most it seems. I didn’t lose my house, my job, my family or go in debt. I questioned him form years about what was wrong with him because no matter how much he told me he had trust issues or had been badly hurt in the past, it just didn’t add up. The days or weeks without returned calls or texts and the stupid excuses! I looked online for anything that could point to a diagnosis or disorder…thought he was severly depressed, then bi-polar and on and on and on, then one day while searching online I came upon the description of a sociopath and it all clicked. It has boggled my mind the depths these people will go to and in some ways, seem like animals. I know I will heal and am grateful it wasn’t worse as I believe I would have killed myself over the anguish. It’s a wonder more don’t choose that as a way out or that the offenders aren’t murdered, they’re walking a very slipery slope. There’s a scene in Gothica where Halle Berry is looking at herself in the mirror and her face distorts from the madness she is trying to come to terms with, it reminds me of what must go on in their minds…..pure insanity!!!
It’s amazing how someone can me a person feel such pain. I told my ex it feels as if he won’t be happy until this kills me. My ex was generous at times but he takes away from those times because its as if That generosity obligated me to help him with anything for life. I m starting day 1(AGAIN) of the no contact thing. He sent a text last night at 4:38am “I’m in a bad situation” as usual he got me worried and I text back a few time and finally called him and he sent my call to voicemail, he followed it with a text saying something about the people aren’t there but he thinks he is ok…wtf? Non sense…I know what I need to do and I know I’ll get through this. Time and real determination to get my own life back. For crying out loud, I can’t find a single thing he does that I want or miss or makes me happy. It’s insane. Ugh.
DAY ONE; NO CONTACT. Again…here I am…stay strong everyone!
PS. Thank you everyone for sharing details of your own experiences. It’s your stories and personal feelings of how this has made you feel that really cement the fact that he may in fact be a sosciopath. I don’t know anyone personally who has ever described what this feels like until I came to this sight and found many going through too. Ugh…staying focused on moving forward!
I definitely agree that they’re toxic and poisonous. Unlike a relative I won’t mention, I’m not one for seeking sympathy, which is exactly why I’ve always stayed quiet about any danger I was in. I gotta admit, I kept giving a certain ex more chance’s, but then it just gets old, and you get fed up until you decide that’s it. No more chance’s for him. Ever. He tried to say he’d changed, but just like many others who say that, he never did. Oh, and hey, if that wasn’t enough, he kept telling me how he missed me, and wanted to get a house with me, and have my children. Well haha to that, because I sure as hell know that people don’t change. I’ve even seen it on tv, in soap drama’s. They always go back to their old ways. They just wanna remind us how they’re still around. Not sure why. Maybe their ego just needs inflating, so why not try and hurt the one you like so much? They pretend to their friends, YOUR family, THEIR family, that you did stuff to make them that way. So you feel defenseless against psycho ex. I treat him well. At least I won’t NOW. For hurting my feelings. Can’t believe my family trusted him. They know better now, though. I refuse to believe he tried to kill himself. I KNEW he was trying to get sympathy out of us. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have mentioned it. Why would I ever believe him? I was very naive in thinking he truly cared about me. It’s okay thought. I have my eye on nicer quality men. *winking*
It wasn’t until about 13 years of marriage that I really saw my TRUE husband. Unfortunately at the time I didn’t recognize it for what it was. We were at a function for his work, and he was drunk. He actually started saying how great he was, how everyone loved him, how he was the best at his job. He was strutting around and kept going on and on about how fantastic he was. I was just baffled that he was saying such stuff out loud. Anyway, we ended up getting into an argument. I think I told him he was being obnoxious and that while I thought he was pretty awesome, that he wasn’t THAT awesome. Of course, that’s not something you’re suppose to say to a narcissist! He ended up punching me in the face that night. And, true to form, he blamed it on me and never really apologized.
Two years later he had been demoted and then allowed to retrain to a different position that he’d held before. He failed the training for a job he worked in for two years. Since he lost that job he became insufferable and abusive.
After 4 years of really terrible devaluation and extreme emotional abuse he finally found himself a new supply, had an affair and left. I actually feel sorry for his new girlfriend. I know exactly what’s in store for her. It may take a while, but more than likely she’s going to really regret ever knowing this guy. I know I’m sorry I wasted 21 years of my life with him. I could write a book about the crap he said and did to me over the last two decades. I’m just sorry I didn’t see him for what he was until he left.
I was so hoodwinked that I seriously thought he must have a brain tumor. He had become so abusive and seemed to have no insight into his behavior. That lack of insight really confused me. After googling passive-aggressiveness, emotional abuse, and rages I finally found out about NPD. It all started to fit–the rages (narcissistic rage), the devaulation and discarding. He walked out of a 21 years marriage like I was last month’s trash. He never tried to get help for himself or even talk to me about our relationship (because everything was my fault!), he just left. It’s very classic narcissist; I just don’t know how it took so long for me to understand.
I always am astonished when people have so close a life to what I lived. Mine was 8.5 yrs but still a long time. It is amazing how they change (or become themselves I guess). They do walk away like you are a piece of trash to be discarded and left at the curb. I know what is in the future for his new gf — soon to be his wife , but I cannot save her. She would not believe me and in fact is in the throws of what a great guy she has( he ran away from our house and next day was found living with her). I sometimes think as woman we should be smart enough to see how they left the last person in a lurch and moved on, but they prey on us and get us believing in them.He was alone when I met him, but not functioning well at all. I thought it was the break up of his marriage that he was dealing with, but really it was just that he had no prey at the moment to finance him.
I have been apart for 1-1/2 years now and still have hard days. They are further apart mind you , but you just mourn for that “great guy” you once had, even thought it was fake.
He showed up last week where I was briefly. I walked behind him and said nothing to him. I feel strange walking by someone I spent a good portion of years with, but I cannot afford to have any discussion anymore. It just gets turned on me and I have instigated no contact since last Nov. Besides two times he has made an appearance , I have not sought him out or contacted him myself. It makes me feel as though I now have some control of my own life again.
It is hard to face that you were conned and seriously mentally abused, but you have to move on from it and learn from it. It takes a piece of you away no doubt, but perhaps we can fill that piece with something more positive in the future.
Sorry to hear about that experience, it was best you moved on and the days will get easier. My marriage was suffering and a female colleague not only used me, but tried to convince me to divorce my wife and six year old daughter. All she cared about was her financially and mentally messed up self. Had I hung out with her any longer, my life would have been over. BTW taking a job out of state, did not help a marriage that was having problems. However, she knew how to push buttons and was adept in her sociopathic craft, even though she came off as being helpless and ignorant about many things. She preyed on me for about 2 years. My wife and I both have PTSD, but it is less intense.
Fortunately, this woman lives 1600 miles away, and drove from AZ to California to Florida to St Louis to Omaha to Denver etc. to foil her. Would have been guaranteed if it was 1985, but today anyone can find you. Better start polishing the 12 gauge, for the sake of my daughter and wife, because I do not know what this lady is capable of. She can stay in SoCal, but please no more victims, I would not wish this woman to befriend my worst enemy. This lady was obsessed with murder mysteries and all the negative news in the world. Guys and girls watch out, she will take your money, identity, dignity etc. The best to you all and we can only learn from our mistakes.
There are times I worry that the sociopath I knew for 2 years is going to seek revenge, either by cyber bullying, taking my social security number, or damaging my family in some way. Luckily they are now 1600 miles away, but distance has no barriers. I was Googled multiple times and so was my family. Hopefully they have moved on, but I hope alone, because I would never will my worst enemy to this person.
Shamedepechemode,
I’m sorry for all you went through. I am so thankful you got out like I did. How do you know you were googled so much? I wasn’t aware this info was made available. It would be good for all of us here to find out if we are being cyber stalked too 😦
Make sure you sign up with a bank service that prevents one from using your social security number. Wells Fargo charges a nominal monthly fee, but its worth it. I have a friend that is relatively adept with computers and he may know someone at Google. My socio would try to contact me via LinkedIn in order to gloat and sugar coat herself, and would want to friend me. However, when I knew her she knew things about me, that she only could come up with via Google or any for fee service. When I got suspicious of her, I ran a background check on her and found that she has pending charges of adult neglect and special needs adult neglect. Also there were illicit drug offenses. I did that before I ditched her. If I. find out more about how to determine when people search you, I will let you know. If I were Ed Snowden, I would tell you now.
As soon as you break up or leave , cancel all debit or credit cards . Just assume that photos of the front and back have neen taken that you know nothing about .
Mine waited over a month ( I stupidly thought I was in the clear after no contact ) before registering the card details with Amazon . “It ” then proceeded to empty my bank account . I initially had a fraud refund from my bank until I had a text from “it” effectively rubbing my nose in it that “it” had not realised that I had registered the card with “its” Amazon account . This was an ingenious lie as I was obliged to inform my bank that I now knew the person involved in the fraud . They immediately overturned the fraud refund as I had not ” taken reasonable care ” to secure my card . Outrageous , unbelievable , immoral – call it what you like , but true and a nightmare . Some of these creatures are good ….very good
Thanks for the advice, I think my former sociopath female friend probably went through my wallet when I stayed at her place, maybe not, because she was not the brightest bulb in the block, because she blew her cover several times. She could come back at me 6 months from now, and make her new boy toy scam me.
BTW, speaking of money, if you or anyone you know from a distance ever passes through Omaha, and that goes for anyone on this post, do not stay at this at this place called savannah suites, which are furnished units that cater to travelling health care workers, contractors etc. because the owners there come off as nicey nicey and then take your security deposit, lying that they sent it to you. When you ask about it after an excessive amount of time has transpired, the dude becomes crazy and makes you feel like you are the one at fault. Found out today, because they ran a credit check on me, and you all know what info is culled there. Just an fyi, not that anybody ever plans to stay in Omaha, but you are better off camping or paying 400 a week at a national chain there. Another example of a sociopath in a business scenario.
Amazing what you say about the security deposit , I almost fell off my chair ! The one I was with takes deposits for wedding dresses , then now & again creates an intentional problem with the bride that ” it ” inherently senses will jump up & down with rage in “its ” shop in response and cancel the dress & demand their deposit back . “It ” then asks them to leave the shop quite , calmly with other members of staff ( or the police ) present .
The paperwork with the deposit is cleverly worded ” non refundable” for more or less all reasons , so usually the brides ( many write the money off after a few months ) that even have the tenacity to go to court end up on the losing end. It seems maybe that they don’t just enjoy stealing the money – it’s about the cleverness of the con as well I think . There is a section on this site under ” duper’s delight” I think . It sums it up just about spot on .
How hateful and petty about the wedding dress deposits. You’d think someone who has the time/energy to arrange that little drama could achieve amazing positive results in the world. Sickening.
Yes . Jusagurl , you are right . It is hateful . I have difficulty even comprehending how the mind can even allow this behaviour . It just confirms what is the accepted thinking regarding these individuals , they are truly “without conscience “. The dress deposit story is I am afraid almost light relief compared to what this individual has done to a couple of “it’s” romantic partners before me ( and one business partner & family )
. I have been free of “it “for nearly 6 months or so ( we were together for about 8 months ) .
I wake up in a cold sweat most days when I even think about it . Don’t know if we should recommend books on the subject ( but if we can ? ) , I have read some very informative ones . ” The sociopath next door ” by Martha Stout phD I found gave me some answers ( as has this site , keep up the good work ) . An interview with Dr James Fallon ( on youtube ) is about an hour long , but helped me with the neuroscience behind this highly destructive personality disorder . Think I will stick with the 96% of us that are free of Psychopathy / Sociopathy …….
When I hear that song mirrors by Justin Timberlake, was a song that my former sociopath said reminded her of me, I can almost laugh now, rather than have flashbacks and get depressed. That could not be a more appropriate song for a sociopath and this site made me realize they mirror who you are. As minor as it sounds, that should have been another red flag.
After I threw my ex Sociopath out of MY house (three weeks ago) because of the years of mental and verbal abuse, (it was physical until I had him arrested – to which he begged me to drop the charges) also because he would not work and lived off me for four years. He went to his brothers 400 miles away, who it has to be said, have the look of dread in their eyes when they sees the sociopath coming their way as they knows it’s their turn to be sponged off! Of course he’s the victim of this wicked woman! But he doesn’t tell them that this wicked woman has been left emotionally and mentally broken on anti depressants and counting the cost to her bank account. He doesn’t tell them that his last words to me was. “look at you – you fat, ugly bitch. Who the hell would want you, i’m off to start a new life and I won’t be looking back.” He even told me he may even go back to his ex. The Ex he drained of cash too. The ex who apparently has a CASTLE in South Africa, is a rich as the Onassis family and the Ex I will never be as good as and am not fit to clean her shoes! This is the ex who RANG me begging me for money as she’d spent all her money on him!!!
Well, of course he managed to look after himself and somehow has ended up working in Poland! (Amazing how he can find work when he HAS to!) He had no contact with me for the first few days (The silent treatment aimed at hurting me) But, true to form he couldn’t help but telephone me to gloat that he has landed on his feet. At first I was shocked and hurt and wondered how he could just move on so quick without even a second thought for me. I tried calling him and tried to get the answer but he just snarled down the phone that he has a new life now! I felt my stomach churn and could feel my heart breaking. I had no contact from him for two more days until two days ago. He called to tell me that he was getting a new phone and would call me to give me the new number because he still loves me.
It was like a light was suddenly switched on in my brain. I knew straight away why he wanted me to have his number. He can’t keep a job and want’s me as a back up position and probably even be expected to pay his air fair back. (as i’ve done so before) Of course it would be ME having to phone him, picking up the cost of the calls along the way. I put the phone down and then took it off the hook. He started calling my mobile and leaving frantic messages demanding to know why my telephone was engaged and who was I with so I blocked his NEW number from my mobile phone. My landline is still off the hook and I know he has had me on repeat dial calling every two minutes only to get the engaged tone. I intend to keep it this way until my number is changed in four days time.
I have to say, I got up yesterday morning feeling GREAT. I put the radio on and danced around the kitchen. I then went and had my hair cut, had a pedicure and went on a clothes shopping spree spending MY money on ME for a change. It felt sooooo good. Now i’m typing this and feeling great that I have ME back and he is running around like a headless chicken wondering what the hell is going on and how could I close the door on him this way. (and for sure he won’t be getting anymore answers from me) Anyway, he “has a new life” now, so he gloated… Get on with it!
My socio gloated about herself on LinkedIn, right after she started her job after being out of work for a while and buying food with taxpayer money, not to mention the money she siphoned from me. She also thought she was the hottest woman around before I cut ties with her. Sorry, but there are many better looking women in SoCal that are 25 years younger than her and less attractive ones that are not parasitic, alcoholic, pot smoking, lying, stealing, depressing, self centered, adult and child neglecting pieces of garbage.
Reblogged this on shamedepechemode's Blog.
Wow. Thank u could not have been more honest or accurate. Also really helps me realize what it was and what it WASN’T Thank u again. My eyes are wide open
Thank you so much for this blog, It really helps knowing that I’m not going through this alone. I felt alone before I read this post and everyones comments, it really helps a lot.
I dated my ex boyfriend for about a year who was a sociopath. I feel so used, betrayed, deceived and lied to
, all the signs were there, my family and friends all warned me but I chose to ignore it. I feel so damaged he used me emotionally, financially and physically, like I was raped of everything I have and what I believe in. Sad thing is we broke up more than a week ago I cant cry, I hardly have appetite and wake up in the night tossing and turning and go into my own world. I realy hope it gets easier. He lied to me, that he found out he have cancer and ask me for money to pay for the treatments, I gave him the money coz I was afraid of loosing him because I was blinded by love, something always didn’t feel right to me but again I chose ignored it and I coud’nt go with him when he claimed he had to go for the treatment as I had to work. I only found out after I ended it that everything was a lie, its been realy difficult for me to deal with all this, because what kind of sick person would use a deadly sickness like cancer to get what they want from u, he also new when we started dating that my cousin died of cancer and it was hard for me coz we were close.
I really don’t want to feel like this anymore and will focus on myself like u said and will try and stay positive thanks again
Hi Honey thanks for your comment. I do know what you mean I described it as akin to emotional rape. They take every aspect of your life from you. Aragh the old cancer trick. My ex did this – but pretended that someone else close to him was dying of cancer – he even went as far as pretending that this person was going to die within days it was crazy. So I do understand I went through all of the emotions of someone almost dying and how that felt…. and watching him fake his trauma about this (he kept it up for 2-3 months) it was awful – why did he do it? for money….. Also he knew from early on – that cancer was a weakness because he assessed you and you said about your cousin dying (death was a thing for me as my daughter had died year before)….. it can seem the most crazy and also cruel thing to do. Why do they? He did it for cash… they do it because they can.
Welcome to the site. We really do understand here what you are going through! 🙂
Hi,
I am currently stuck in a marriage with someone who I strongly believe is a sociopath. So much on this site has rang true. I wanted to thank you so much for helping me see the truth and hopefully giving me the courage to get out. Many scary things are happening right now but I know I must be brave, remember ole Ronald, and move on.
Hi Crystal,
Welcome to the site. It can be difficult to escape and leave. Please remember that the time that you leave can be the most dangerous. This is when you will see the narcissist rage. Also the ruining and smear campaigns.
I hope that you get good support from this site 🙂
Thankyou so much for your blog. I’ve been in a relationship with a charming, handsome man for over a year which I’ve just finished. I discovered messages on his phone and Facebook with different women 6 months ago which he managed to explain and win me back with crocodile tears. I trusted him (stupidly) and then eventually after several little splits (which gave him time to see his other women) the lies just became too much. Everything that went wrong was always someone else’s fault, never his. He even persuaded me that my lack of confidence meant I needed to see a psychiatrist. He is the one who needs a psy! I’m now on no contact – I know he will write to me and try and get me back as he will lose face with his friends, all of whom think he is a great guy, funny, handsome charming…he has never confided in them about his other women.
Your blog is helping me stay strong but it is a very hard addiction to break. At least I wasn’t financially dependent on him, just emotionally and socially.
Hi Lavache, welcome to the site. I am sorry to hear that you have also been a victim. I hope that you receive good support here.
I am on day 5 of No Contact and am doing OK.
I have a question – I have a few of his things at my place and he has a few at his. I guess it is best to write them off? And if I drop his things off, even when he isn’t there, it will be a sign to him that I’m still thinking of him and therefore ready to be manipulated again?
Day 10 of no contact and have received an email from him telling me that he misses me and loves me.
They really like playing games, don’t they?
Lavache,
They sure do like to play games. I had 2 months NC. We started talking again and saw each other a few times. He is already back to his old tricks. Lies, mental abuse , gas lighting etc. now he gets really scary when he’s angry. Continue to stay away. I’m starting all over again!
Hi Bunnyshy
Thanks for your message – 2 months was a long time! I hope you manage to stay away this time. I’ve been back a few times for more punishment, but never managed more than a week of nc before giving it. I’m really hoping to stay away this time for good. It’s hard though – my is handsome, charming, charismatic and funny and we get on so well, but then there are those text messages from his ex and other women and I actually feel physically sick when going to see him because I don’t know what he has been doing and if I can trust him. I’m fed up with that feeling.
Stay strong x
Lavache,
All we can do is our very best. I know exactly where you’re coming from. We went to his apartment which has not been lived in for weeks. Of course he is seeing/living with other people, just like when I left him. There is nothing to go back to but here i go again. I want him in my life, even as a friend so I know he’s ok. Nonsensical 😦
I went through that phase too. I don’t know how you feel, but in my case, I believe it was a questioning of whether I could be wrong (though everything pointed to misdeeds). I think I needed more proof (ok, yeah, abuse) to confirm what he really was. Our minds don’t want to buy it, and we have been proposed something entirely counter so, it is an effective state of confusion.
In my case, I needed to see him do some more things, learn of his contempt for me, and just basically know what was really going on (even though I still don’t have formal proof, I just know because I hung the dirty laundry out in my mind and looked at it openly enough to know it didn’t add up to his lies). I think these experiences are very personal journeys. They don’t just tell us about what is out there in the world, they tell us about ourselves—our true selves; things we may not have known or wouldn’t have admitted to ourselves without the experience.
Everything Positiva posts about what they are doing is true. The recommendations for what would really be best for our persons are true too. But there is a reason why we needn’t contact the OW—the journey is for us and we can’t be told anyway without believing for ourselves we are doing the right thing. I just hope you are safe and protecting yourself while you go through this.
Jusagirl,
I think that is exactly how I feel. “Maybe I’m wrong about him.” Also, I deeply care for him (not in love). I want him to be well and happy but he isn’t. It’s why I worry and want to support him.
His temper showed once again today. He was a marine and all he says is “I’m a trained killer!” All I did was ask the name of the place of his new job. There is no name (again ) and he went ballistic. He apologized but it’s fake. I know him more than he knows himself (thanks to Positivagirl). I know his lies from a mile away. It’s sometimes amusing to watch and listen to him lie to me… Unhealthy I know.
We really click (at least fake click…lol). Same music, things to do. I feel bad for the women or men that get emotional with him (he seems gay sometimes, weird fetishes and behavior). I’m emotional but not “in love “.
I am in counseling. My homework is to think about what life would be like to stay with him, and another day think about what life would be like without him. It’s simple, but I cannot bring myself to do it. Paralyzed, can’t even attempt it. Know why? BOTH answers are bad news 😦
I understand. It’s not really that you don’t know those answers to the questions your therapist wants you to look at; you obviously very much have thought through the outcomes. For me, like you, it was about my sensitivity to him, ill or well. I believe it is compassionate to love someone through illness (even deep illness) and worse to abandon them. That said, I’m sure you know that, with all you know at this point, his impacting your wellness more than you’re benefitting his illness.
I had to figure out a way to love through it. And, I’ll be honest, there are days he got damaged by me criticizing; that was the cost of his proximity to me doing these things to me (in other words, didn’t help him either).
I knew I didn’t want to do the leaving, but nor did I want him to hate/resent me enough to leave me. When I had finally seen enough and had too many examples of disrespecting behaviors towards me (and the contempt displays in the end were big linchpins for me), I had to call them up and lay them out in front of him, knowing that I’d heard his excuses before and that I would no longer accept them. I took the responses and interactions one at a time and mentally, to myself, labeled them for what they were according to a sociopathic trait. This was hard to do because, if we can question whether or not they are, we might be able to stay with them. So you have to do that when you are ready to confront the truth/reality of what he is really doing with you.
Because I knew from this site this was his nature and not really personal to me, I was able to separate my love for his wellness from my need for him to love me (which I knew would be impossible). I do think he might care some. He might even genuinely miss me sometime, but I can’t be with him like he is. To your therapist’s raw point, I know I will never be with a man who I know is cheating on me with others and lying to me about it.
Before I could release this though, I had to talk to him about his illness; not as a need to say, “Ah ha! See what’s wrong with you and how smart I am?” but gently, because, like you, I really do want wellness and a better life for him if it’s possible. At first, he agreed to see a specialist, but the more we talked and he realized how much of his behavior was now transparent to me, I think he realized the effort wouldn’t just be an exercise he could manipulate and that I was aware of mine/his reality. So, in short, it’s probably an accurate assessment and he really doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with him. In true narcissistic fashion, he has determined I am the sole problem—me and my behavior.
This enabled him to keep the control of deciding to leave. And I wasn’t pushing on him with some sub-issues that would’ve ultimately made me want to come back for another round at some point. I had to confront the REAL problem.
This has taken months to get to this point. PR will attest to me being both confused about his presence and thinking I know what I’m doing. I just had to work it through. Ultimately though, I think you probably know this can’t be your life path, not with what you know now. It’s just a matter of working out how you are going to deal with it to represent your truest character. I wish you the best, and do be safe. One of my ex’s was military and came back from Desert Storm saying really wrong, inappropriate things (like he was “looking for a soul to take”). Once you’ve seen evit or been commanded to perform it with a personal disconnect, you can become very confused about your own identity, and can do it again.
Thank you jusagirl. I really appreciate all that you are sharing. I was pretty strong for everyone here for awhile. I’ll get there again hopefully soon. I’m seeing him tomorrow, probably sweetness with hidden subtle abuse. Sincerely, I can’t wait to wake up again. Thanks again for everything =)
They like checking back in to see if you are still controllable and whether you are missing THEM. If so, then you might be ready for another round on the merry-go-round. I find “no” and laughter to their sometimes repeated self-serving requests is a good way to drive THEM to no contact.
Hi Jusagirl
Is ignoring them a good way of saying ‘no’? Or do you have to be more specific? I thought No Contact was the best way, but then I suppose they will just keep checking in!
Hi Lavache,
I was only sharing what I’ve done that did result in no contact (his implementation) ultimately. I think no contact is the universally-proposed choice. I think these antisocial personality types are varied in their riskiness. Some are truly violent and dangerous. Mine was a mindf@cker. Armed with information from here, I just stopped playing “the game” once it looked to me like that was what it always was. Saying “no” to my particular soc was an affront and display of lack of compliance (serving my own will) so, that’s why/how it worked.
Oh dear, I got back on the merry go round at the weekend. He told me he missed me, loved me and this time is sure plus he wants to take on a proper father role to my children…he even had a chat to my daughter and told her he loved me and her and her brother and wouldn’t hurt her mum again. He admitted his behaviour had been bad and he said he was ready to change. This is the last time….
Ugh so right now source of supply is low elsewhere. Well you know the pattern. It won’t change. The lying won’t stop. The games won’t stop. Whilst he might be on best behaviour for a short while their old self games deceit and manipulation return. But this time you will be more aware and see it.
Go careful. It is wrong of him to use your children to manipulate you. Things won’t change. Even if he says it will. You will see the pattern of behaviour repeat again and again. Even if he knew you knew it so well you wrote a book about it (or a blog) he would still do it.
Also they do believe that this time it can be different. But it isn’t long and the mask slips again. And it’s back to normality. As they can’t resist temptation. It’s who they are to be manipulative and deceptive. They can’t resist opportunities that come their way. The world is focused on them. They just start to play the game again. So you have agreed to continue to play the game again. As long as you realise this. Best you can hope for is that you accept this and are ok with with it
Also. I do get it. I have done it over and over. But I don’t have children at home. If you are happy to be someone’s object and possession. But please don’t be deluded. Read the post why the sociopath can never change. I hope that you are going in with your eyes open. He might want change. Might offer it. That might be genuine as they don’t like losing what they own. But once you are won back the lies drama deceit will occur again as that is who they are. Let us know how you get on … Oh…. And if you want to test him … Try the sociopath test … You might see a different character and person behind the mask again. He might even be deluding himself he can change but I bet the same person is behind the mask. They can’t change who they are. What about your children if he has promised them he won’t let you down? As we know just by his nature – he will he can’t help that.
Oh boy, I hate to say this, but mine said the same thing, that he “wanted that parental role” with my son. He only said it because he knew it is something I desire. He wouldn’t dare talk to my son directly though. I’ve said plenty about his disappointing us both.
Thanks Positivagirl…
I will read the posts you suggest. I know he still has a supply elsewhere with his ex who desperately wants him back but he isn’t interested. I know he met a couple of other women while I was in NC and he says he realised it was me he wanted.
At least I’m going into it with my eyes open and I will be very careful.
Do you want a man who you have to share with someone else? As he won’t change. And this will be the reality. Sociopaths will do and say anything that they like to not lose supply there is rarely any substance to their words. Whatever you choose to do, you are always welcome here. Either in or out of the relationship!! 🙂
It was only the fact that he spoke to my daughter directly that made me want to give him a final chance. If he turns and hurts me again then he really will be a b*****d to have lied to my daughter (as well as me). It will make leaving him for good much easier.
Your heart doesn’t want to believe that he will let you and your children down. You hope he won’t it’s easier to hope this than face withdrawal or heartache. Sometimes it can take a while for our heart to catch up with what our head already knows. Didn’t you say that there were other women in the background still?
Your head already knows the answer. It’s nagging you. But you ARE listening to your heart and hoping that your head is wrong.
I’ve got my fingers crossed that he’s an asshole rather than a socio. He has a choice and it is me who he has involved in his life with friends and family, not her….but he could still be keeping her hanging on because he is a socio and relishes the control he has over her (particularly as it was her who finished their relationship and really hurt him). I just don’t know at the moment.
Nobody stays in confusion forever. I hope for you that it is the former. If not well we will be here.
Mine got arrested. This next part may sound twisted but, then again, we are talking about soc’s. I’m not sure he didn’t get arrested on purpose to get me to come bail him out. His wife didn’t know where he was, only I did. This would’ve created the test he needed to assure I would be there for him, and ample reason to move out of relationship with her and in with me (for the record, at that point, I didn’t know she was still in the picture.)
He was in my car, got it towed and impounded. When I found he wasn’t back hours after he said he would be, I called his family. No one knew anything. I went by his house and his dad’s house. Nothing. I also called his mother. Finally, I called the police. He had a fit once he was released. Said I should’ve known to call the jails (as if the criminal world is something I would understand).
He came by to see me after and we talked and “made up”, but things were messed up thereafter. Said he “didn’t know who to trust.” He began taking away communications channels until we were down to emailing. He wasn’t coming over. When he did come over, there were abusive things happening like getting lipstick on my mouth, or coming hours after he said he would.
He punished me for a very long time with the communications shut down, until one day, he said, “Give me your phone number.” I asked a ton of questions about what had changed that he couldn’t contact me before, but now he could (he’d given some lies). His response, “Because I thought it was time.” When I didn’t immediately jump into his arms and give it to him like he asked, he punished me a couple more weeks until something happened where he needed to call me and this scenario he’d created mucked that up. He finally texted me, admitted he had been stubborn (no apology).
Point is, they will PUNISH you. The lesson is: Do as I ask/wish. I don’t know that your guy is punishing his ex by appearing to step up in your life? But it certainly wouldn’t surprise me. At least consider the possibility, for your own sake, and be watchful. I know we all would like to see you get him out of there as soon as possible if anything is amiss with his intentions.
Yes, I’m listening to my heart! Things started to go wrong when his ex re-appeared on the scene and at first just wanted to see him to talk about what went wrong, then decided she was still in love with him
It would be much easier for him to be with her as she doesn’t have young children, she is available weekends (I’m not in the summer due to work) and she earns a good salary (she even offered to help him out financially!) So if he wanted to be with her he could be, which is again why I’m hesitating. He doesn’t, he wants to be with me and all my constraints.
Do you not think he has the option of both? I have never known a socio to turn down source for supply. Or to have a sense of morality (at least one that isnt faked) I hope for you I am wrong. Maybe he isn’t a socio and was just an asshole.
Socios hate constraints. Restrictions.
Well, 3 weeks on and I’ve been dumped again, you can all say ‘I told you so!’ – the love bombing and attention lasted a week and then calmed down, then he used a couple of things I did as a pretext to finish things. Yes, he was in tears (he is very good at crocodile tears) and of course loves me, but we hurt each other too much to continue.
It really is a game for him, I think. With me, his ex and other women he flirts with.
Oh well!
Lavache,
I’m going through it now too. We were back together for two months. He has started accusing me of cheating and wants to know the guys name who doesn’t even exist! Lol. Anyway, it’s been getting real bad. 72 text msgs last night and 26 phone calls he made. He screams my name like the guy in “Sleeping with the Enemy” where he hollers “Laura!!!!!” This I believe is the beginning preparation for discarding me. Pick a fight, a fake one, and then dump me. I told him it’s ok he prefers his new supply at his new hangout, I faked saying “ur my best friend. I luv you” blah blah blah. You would think this would get rid of him. Now he’s calling my parents phone late at night.
You can tell me too…..” I told you so!” Lol. We will get through this again. I feel like a pro, almost. ;). Hang in there with me!
Aw…nobody will say I told you so. I’m sure everyone on here has gone back to their socio more than one time, including myself. I always went back believing it would be different. All you can do is learn from it or try harder not to fall for it the next time, focus on you and let him go. My socio disappeared for weeks, I went to see an old male friend and as usual my socio sent me 3 text messages the same day. It’s a game to them. It was a big deal for me to go out and socialize with another person especially a male and the same day after weeks of not hearing from him he chose that day to send a text. Im never going backwards again. I like where I am at now and I won’t let him drag me back. No way.stay strong. Allow yourself to be happy.
This is the fifth time I’ve been dumped by him! You are right Positivagirl, he couldn’t be constrained, always does what he wants, even when he helps me (as he did last weekend) it was because HE wanted to. He refused to block his ex girlfriend even though he says he doesn’t want her in his life.
As soon as he had me back in his life there was no challenge left and he finished with me for no reason at all. At least no reason if he truly loved me.
Bunnyshy, I hope you manage to get rid of your socio. I’ve no doubt mine will be back as he always has been in the past but I really want to be strong this time.Like you, Absorption! I’ve never been addicted to anything like I am to this man. But enough is enough, especially after he involved and lied to my daughter.
I went back and forth for a long time. It wasn’t easy letting him go I really believed that I would just die without him but at the same time he was so cruel, I started asking myself if I get him back then what? Ill still feel like shit and on always on edge looking for signs that he is hiding something. It was madness. Every round I had with him it became progressively worse. I realized that when I called him out on my thinking he was a socio he changed for the worse.he stressed me out and ignored me more than he already did.I physically watched him (i was watching him from a distance! ugh im 36 and spying!who am i!)as he lied to me in a text. It wasn’t that he left with a girl but that he claimed to he homeless and wished he was waiting for someone and with somewhere to go, I got the text and watched him jump in a car to wherever. He said he was walking somwwhere When I said I’d pick him up he claimed he had magically received a ride from the person who had just kicked him out of his place. It was rediculous. He wanted me to feel stressed worried scared for him and above all helpless to help him. Who does that? That’s it. I got MAD. At myself! And I said I’m done. I decided to take MY life back! I decided to change ME.
You will have your moment. I love being in love an I’m a hopelessly hopeful person, I want to believe people can change so I know that it’s easy to get sucked into it over and over again. But at some point you (meaning me lol) will realize that days weeks months are passing you by everyone is living life around you and your stuck in the same place chasing a memory.for two years I was stuck. I have a 6 year old. I’m grateful he didn’t try to interact with her more, I swear he did me a favor or maybe he felt getting to involved would complicate his crappy life and plotting.
I’m rambling. But you’ll get there. Stay busy. Really busy. You already know what you want, all you have to do is decide when you are going to do it.
You are strong, it’s in you. Your socio will come back, just like mine has. But he has zero control and he knows it. He doesn’t even get my time anymore and that feels great.
I hope I can be as strong as you, Absorption. Another problem I have is that I live in a different country to my family and really good friends and feel desperately lonely, so it is always the easy option to go back to him. I have two great children and am in very good health but as far as my business is concerned, and my social life, things aren’t great. I loved the life I had with my ex and his friends (and that is why I’m still not sure he is a socio, he has his own business and lots of friends, something most don’t according to what I’ve read).
I must admit that it is rare if they allow you to meet their friends. If they have any. They use the divide and conquer rule. Keeping people apart so that their lies are believable. It must be so tough living so far away from home. But you know the beauty. Is that this isolation you feel, you are now free to create your own world. This is something you wouldn’t be allowed to do with the sociopath. You spent your time with his friends as you didn’t have space to create your own. You have your two children. So could you make new friends with their friends parents? It’s a starting point. And one you wouldn’t do if you were with him. Sometimes we need things to feel really bad to inspire us to change. And If his friends are not still your friends, ask yourself why? What lies has he told about you? Isolation and control is never good. Whether he is a socio or not. Anyway you still have us 🙂
So so so true. I met some of his friends but we never hung out it was always as I was leaving or when we were going to court. The one time I was alone with one of his friends I rushed a conversation with him and was surprised that my socio was also giving their friends the guilt trip too (it all came together when I realized he was a socio) they were frustrated with him and the pressure he put on them. He said on one occasion my socio was desperate for a ride to court to file a brief that was due so he took the day off from work only to sit the whole day in my socios place as he typed it, no court. He did this to me as well.
Anyhow, the isolation was horrible. But you’ll get through it believe me you will and one day you’ll realize hey I made it through lunch or a day or even if it is just a couple hours not thinking about him. Talk to yourself, out loud if you have to, everytime my thoughts started to wander back to him I would say STOP IT, and I’d say to myself I’m busy I’m busy I’m busy too busy, I painted my kitchen hallway living room, gardening and I counted almost 20000 pennies (not at one sitting it took forever) just to force myself to change force myself to get mad and fight for my life back. Look at a calender and start counting the days that you chose yourself stop counting the days of your life that he wastes.
I have a 6 yr old girl. I’m 3something (lol ill be 40 in 3 years) I have a family but we have never been close and I could never turn to them for help especially with this and I don’t have a friend to talk about it either.i have acquaintances but no girlfriend that I could talk to to get it all out or who could help distract me, I had to do it alone. I cried in the shower and at night so my daughter wouldn’t see me. Believe me when I say that I know how you feel , I really do. Believe me when I say that you are a strong woman, you have two kids and single, it takes a strong woman to raise a kid on their own and you have 2!
Next time you get lost in the sadness. Stop and say this out loud, I lived ___yrs before I met him and survived I can live another ___ years without him! Then laugh like a mad woman, throw your hands up in the air if you feel like it, and move on.
You can do it, it will take time but believe me the sadness and feeling of isolation will end. I’m telling you from my own experience with my recovery that began 4 months ago this sadness you feel will end.
Like positive said, you get to create your own brand new world. I’m doing it and in my world I can breath again.
You have a friend in Los Angeles, please know that.
Fantastic comment absorbtion!!! I love the idea of using a calender to mark of time you are not wasting. It sounds like you have worked hard to begin turning your life around. Love this comment it’s great thank you.
Positivagirl, thanks for your reply. I have some friends, and belong to a running club where I’ve met more people…so I’m keeping busy enough and I’m very fit! But my children are still quite young, so I don’t have a lot of freedom to socialise a lot.
I know that his friends (who liked me a lot,and some still do) knew nothing about his flirts with other women, or his continued contact with his ex. As far as they are concerned, he is a charming, generous, funny person with a clever, not bad looking and classy girlfriend (me). The trouble is, I was never enough for him, he needs the attention of lots of other women. But his friends don’t know about this side of him at all. I know when people have asked he said we separated because I was jealous and possessive. The worst thing is I was NEVER like this before I met him and found out all his dirty little secrets thanks to his mobile phone and facebook account.
Absorption- your reply is excellent. You have been so strong. I just hope I can follow your example. I am keeping busy, I’ve already painted the house and de-cluttered every room thanks to being dumped by him regularly since August. It was my 48th birthday and I haven’t cried – just got on with jobs in the garden. I hope my 49th will be a bit happier!
Thanks again Absorption you are a real inspiration:)
Yay you! I stopped crying first too! That’s a big step, my heart physically ached for this man, it was a horrible feeling and I thought it would never end. I used to tell myself, it’s ok, just wait in a couple of weeks you won’t feel this way, it will get easier.
I have my moments when I think about him and I feel lonely, like you he was my social life. I went from dancing queen to always alone texting queen.he put me on a island all by myself and gave me so little time but I was in so deep that I was starting to see it as normal and I catched myself biting my tongue so he wouldn’t get upset and ignoring me for days or weeks. I didn’t want to be that woman I refused to become that person.
Sometimes I wonder who I was crying for, him or for me.
Anyway allow yourself to cry every once in awhile, but don’t over do it. There were times I would start crying and id push myself to an edge and I would start texting him and just go off and hours later I wanted to punch myself for letting him know I was still there.
Believe me it will pass. This site along with many of the people on here who have shared their experiences and the stages of their own recovery gave me hope and I told myself over and over its going to get easier, sometimes I was in tears sobbing with grief but still telling myself this over and over,it will pass.
Stay strong and believe that your life is changing and happiness is in your future.
I met this woman online in February 2013 and during the first month I didn’t snatch her up and ask her to be in a relationship with me like I should have. She liked me a lot more than I did her during that time but she didn’t pursue me either. We spent some weekends together but never actually became an exclusive couple. We eventually went our separate ways and dated others. In May 2013 I came back into her life and we started going out. Unfortunately she had been seeing a guy for two months but she said she loved me, had always loved me and would break it up with this guy. Eventually, she asked for her house key back from him and told him she wanted to see other people. However she did not tell him specially that the reason for the breakup was me. She had always said that she had never left one man for another man and she didn’t want to start now. However, she never actually stopped seeing this other guy and she continued to see me as well. She and I traveled extensively over the next three months taking trips out of state, hotels, bed and breakfasts, DC on the 4th of July, Atlantic City..etc and having the best times. She was honest with me about still seeing him and she would tell me when she would see him…which I hated but I accepted. She was with me much more than she was with him but it still bothered me that she wouldn’t commit to me. She always lied to him when she was with me…..and as hurtful as it is to admit…she would always post our trips on her Facebook page but I was never tagged or even shown in photos. Her photos consisted of things such as the hotel we were at, sunsets on the beach, the restaurants we went to…several shows…but never once was I shown on FB with her. I have many photos of us together on these vacations but out of respect I didn’t post them on my FB page either. I let her control the situation. I know I’m such a fool but she said she was just trying to spare his feelings. I accepted it because I was hoping that I would eventually be with her forever. She said she was very confused and often questioned why I didn’t grab her back in February when I had the chance. She was scared that maybe if she left this guy and then I decided I didn’t want to be with her anymore she would have lost both of us. I wish I could go back in time and grab her for myself but obviously I can’t. However since coming back into her life in May I treated this girl like a queen. Trust me on this and she knows it too. I began loving this woman everyday more and more. She told me every day she loved me as well. She said she loved this other guy too but her love for me was different – with me she had such passion. She was IN love with me versus just loving the other guy. She said if the other guy left or dated someone else it wouldn’t be a huge deal…but if I were to leave or date someone else it would destroy her. She made me feel so special…and she was so much fun…and I found her beautiful.
Anyway, this love triangle went on for months…it took its toll on me…I lost close to 40 lbs. in less than 3 months from the stress.
So…about 3 weeks ago I take her out to eat…we have drinks…we’re having a great time. We go back to her place and it’s around 1AM…still having a great time. We’re having some wine, eating some food…barely dressed…it’s literally the best time of my life to be honest…and then there’s a bang on the door and it’s him. He yelled inside that he knew I was there because my car was out front. I knew she wouldn’t just allow him to stand outside and bang on the door so I opened the door…and to make a long story short…she asked me to leave and he stayed…and I never saw her again. I’m disgusted. I’m completely heartsick. I am so heartbroken. I know she used me…but I’m devastated. I loved this girl so much. I’m like a walking zombie. My life feels like it has no meaning now. They have both since changed their FB photos to show them as a couple plus she unfriended on FB me because she said it’s to protect my feelings so I don’t have to look at them. She no longer calls me or texts me so I know it’s over. She has committed to return to me a beautiful diamond sapphire ring (not an engagement ring) that I purchased and gave her because she said she doesn’t deserve it after what she put me through. Why do I feel like this? I’m so distressed I can’t think straight. I go to sleep thinking of her. I dream about her.
Couple of facts:
Based on her upbringing she has detachment issues. Instead of dealing with issues head on, she has always dealt with negativity by putting on a happy face and going out with friends. (She has admitted this to me multiple times) Basically she doesn’t really feel the emotional pain that most people feel. When I told her how devastated I was and told her that she had “No idea” of the pain that she has caused me…she apologized and replied (sincerely) that she wished she knew how I felt.
When she went out with him while dating me she would tag him in Facebook and show them together which made me feel awful to know she would do that with him but not me. She claimed it was because people assumed they were still dating. ]He played it cool and allowed her space…I didn’t. I bugged her constantly about leaving him and when she and I could be together. I probably chased her away with my nagging.
She actually blamed me for opening the door that evening and said she couldn’t forgive me for doing that. Because of this she has now told me even if they don’t work as a couple she could never be with me. Can someone make sense of what happened to me?? After all of this though…I still want her. I need to get over her and also resist the urge to call her. I don’t know who’s sicker…her or me??? Can someone please tell me when this pain will subside? I used to be this healthy person but now I’m on sleep medication, anxiety medication and something else prescribed to calm my nerves. I’m a freaking mess. My heart is in a million pieces.
She’s very successful in a large company and is always in control. She fits the description of a sociopath to a tee. Pathological liar…charming…all acquaintances(drinking partners) LOVE her…she’s deceptive…high sex drive…everything that’s been mentioned of what a sociopath is. However, I think I was the transitional victim…the one that she just wanted to play with and hurt and destroy emotionally versus taking everything from me. I think she’s saving it for the guy she’s with now. Also with blocking me from Facebook, it’s like she protecting me from being hurt anymore. Any thoughts??
Hi Steve,
Am sorry to read of your pain. #1) It’s not your fault. It’s really not. Let’s say you’d “played it cool” like her current. Let’s say she really is the “no pressure/no confrontation” gal you think she is. What would that do? The eventual outcome would’ve been the same, or worse. Think about this: She happily led the both of you on for quite some time. Who do you think her REAL interest is? It’s HER. Period.
She isn’t sparing you pain anymore than she was sparing the other guy. She is doing whatever currently works for her self-serving scheme. Don’t make excuses for her. I’m not saying she doesn’t have issues that should be respected (definitely, respect them enough to move far, far away if she can only do you damage which is how this one sounds), just that you shouldn’t give her a pass that means you take on the burden for HER mistakes and frame yourself as the one who did anything wrong.
You should’ve had a right to expect her to treat you with respect the night the other guy knocked at the door—if for no other reason than squatter’s rights! She is tasteless, rude, shameless and the worst kind of predator. Be thankful, Steve, be very thankful. You’ve had just enough time to learn how she really does things.
OH…she always said that she loved me…but never actually showed it. She reprimanded me once for not saying I love you when we hung up the phone once. She’d disappear for days with lord knows who…and I’d be texting and calling with no reply…then I’d get a random text like on day 3 that says “I love you more than you know”. That’s it. She also brought to my attention her eyes and how they looked. It’s like she cast a spell on me. I can’t stop thinking about her!! Why??
Today is day 53 of NC. The Dt’s are getting more manageable, but my eating/sleeping is a wreck. I had a nightmare that Soc somehow disengaged the electrical circuits in my car–and in the midst of traffic jam I was trapped in my car as all the circuits shut down and I couldn’t get out–claustrophobic by nature I started to hyperventilate. Then I woke up–so surreal. As my electrical system did shut down once in the middle of a storm while on the highway-I had to exit out my window in traffic at night on an exit ramp. I was dating him at the time–why do I not think it was coincidence? 2 other super sneaky car malfunctions–and a possible accomplice who went Awall amidst all of the above. Things just keep unfolding with time, as the fog clears, my heart detoxes and my spirit, soul rest in prayer.
I have checked 3 counselors in person. Today #3 was a charm. She seems like she is going to be effective–she has a similar philosophy to positiva- she is all about replacing negative thoughts with positive, the laws of attraction–solution based theory, she reiterated that there is a lot of work to do—she also has strong faith. I found myself in tears, wondering where the self assured, self aware, joyful, light hearted soul went? I feel lost. I cant even remember what I lost that I am trying to recovering–its so vague. She asked me what do I want? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? I had these answers once, not too long ago. Why am I so stumped? It is so scary & sad at the same time. On the flip side I could completely dig deep–and come up with some fab dreams, goals and answers–If I could access the dreamer–shes a bit gun shy right now=and I don’t blame her. Right now –making decision to trust counselor–even that is tough, as seriously, not many are prepared to deal with the aftermath of soc/psycho. I am praying to be protected and open in my work with her. Such a weird, weird feeling to be in motion but motionless–like in quick sand or mud==holding on for dear life, keep looking up, grabbing on to every nugget of hope, love and wisdom—here, other sites and those around me/12 steps. I must ask myself these questions–and move forward–get back on my feet and laugh more often–things got so serious and dulled out.
Took some basic steps went for walk today with all the colors of fall bursting about me, kicked around in my boots, indulged the little girl EL with home baked chocolate chips & glass of milk, prayed some more, and reached out to friends going through tests and trials–I cant imagine going through life feeling nothing–just feeling dulled out from my super sonic current is very uneasy and somewhere between living and dying. I know the little EL in me is asking me to really show up for her, to love her, play with her, teach her, protect her, guide her —and accept her. Right now, I am just feeling like a girl trapped in a womens body–she needs to grow up and seriously reclaim and then follow her dreams as she has done before–only this time she will not hope for someone else to make them come true, but trust in myself & God. Though I crave arms around me, I know I must go cold turkey, NC is everything. This too shall pass, and though I can not from this vantage point imagine, things can only get better and if I trust, then may things turn around and dreams become real.
Reaching out to others and sharing a coffee, moment of laughter or absurdity, hug and sunshine is so key–how did these things become so scarce before. Soc really was not all that exciting, was so serious and really didn’t want to fully engage —-what was it that I read as excitement? CLearly not very fun–oh that mirroring thing! Fun. energy and excitement always seemed blocked–kind of boring and empty. It soo weird looking back now. What the Heck? Now, why do I feel like I cant make my own fun like I always did before? Or do the basic things that nourish my body, soul, spirit and mind? this is the worst neglect, Self neglect and barrier, I really hope this counseling I started today can get me back on my feet and thinking straight–instead of this bloody flat effect–its like my empathy sucked in his flatness, dimension and Im stuck in it…Please leave flatness!
Pace and Trust in Progress,
EL
Pace,
EL
Dear EL,
I admire how you are doing what it takes to heal. I feel what you are feeling. At a total loss here, not understanding what we are/were fighting for. I had a “wish come true “. I left my spath for a couple months and now we are “friends”.
I wanted him in my life to know that he is ok. The enjoyment was short lived. It is now MORE painful to see him in person. The pain reminds me of looking at a loved one with Alzheimer’s. They are a stranger now. Looking at him, knowing he will never be what a human being wants or needs is almost unbearable. I thought he would open up more since we’re not really together anymore. He’s still extremely secretive. Now verbal abuse and name calling have started, mixed in with charm of course.
I cannot see him anymore. It hurts looking at this person as much as it did NC. Yet I worry I will regret leaving altogether because of old beliefs (I can’t live without him, I’ll miss him, I love him) blah blah blah. He texts all day and night, even that hurts. Why do we stick around for scraps of kindness even when we don’t want to anymore?!
Hi Bunnyshy,
We stick around for scraps of kindness–because our world becomes so small with the soc that we don’t even see the bounty and abundance of love & good, true, nourishing, life giving people, places and things around us.
We are bound up, isolated and looking around, to him for answers (for questions & doubts he manipulated!), instead of looking UP at the open sky, endless ocean and all the really beautiful opportunities & gifts that deserve our receptivity—instead of the narrow existence with the soc. The walk I went on yesterday was surreal and provided a simple solution for the moment . Why, when I have walked before did it not have such a weird feeling? Well, It broke me out (I wasn’t captured before)–looking at the tall, strong, amazing, trees bursting with color against the bluest sky–these trees are atleast 100 or more years old–survived many storms and assaults–kept growing–now bursting with a life of color. We know the leaves are transitional and still somehow the tree is amazing in every season–always changing (unlike the soc) always something new to look at, explore and learn. They are all different but compliment-not detract. The bluest sky, sunshine and breeze all reminding me I am alive, this is a gift, as I walked around the park purposely kicking the leaves to hear that sound, realizing —that though I have been feeling so dull & isolative–it is because that’s all I knew with the soc without his ability to feel, get really touched or moved, excited by anything-it disconnected me from my nature & nature in general.
Though I had to really talk myself into pulling over and head into the park, I felt almost like ice melting. It was very slow, fluid–with each step around the park I noticed roller bladers, soccer games, runners, walkers, people sitting, dog walkers, tennis games, children being pushed by moms in carriages—all of it reminding me that I am fully alive even if alone, life goes on, life is to be lived and love is real, even if I am recovering, and all the more reason to hope in a life fully lived–not narrowly dictated by someone who does not get moved in this way—and forces me to forget all the abundance–so that the scraps seem like everything. No scraps for me sister, I hereby accept with gratitude–the sky without limit, the ocean with its depths, trees & mountains with height—these little exposures slowly help to break me out–and hopefully with time recover my dreams, goals, true purpose and self.
Start looking up and around to remind yourself–in the galaxy, here on earth even, there is soo much more intended for you, me and all of us. We limit ourselves–and it gets even more limiting when we allow someone else to control us further that has really negative, destructive intentions. My personal belief is that my prayer & intercession is the best gift I can give to soc, because I am powerless and do not have the capability to love a man who can not love without severely wounding myself. But my job is to become the best version of myself through healing, so by praying I am doing my best and letting God take care of the matter–knowing it is out of my hands and actually detrimental to think or allow myself to be fooled by the Father of All lies working overtime through people or situations to take me out!
I admire your honesty and am praying that you feel your worth and true identity . The thing is something I learned with 12 step, is that we wont really give up something destructive until the pain/loss/hurt is greater than our desire for that “more” or hit of escape from ourselves–or thinking we don’t deserve the “more” of ourselves or others in a healthy way. You have to get to the point of Being sick and tired of being sick and tired! Hopefully before the damage is irreversible. I believe love is a decision–and you have to make the decision to chose loving yourself over neglecting yourself to someone abusive.
I urge and encourage NC as the other posters–you literally need enough time to go through withdrawls to clear your system of all the toxic lies, information, manipulation, abuse (covert & overt)–your body & mind are infiltrated–if you don’t fully detox–the next “hit” you seek could be lethally your last. Is it worth it? Aren’t you worth soooo much more? And you can not lift him up by any means–but he can certainly take you further and further down.
The time away is what unravels the lie and seperates it from the truth–it also gives your mind/soul/spirit/ time to rest, unravel & regroup–feeling the negative emotions is key to clearing him & his charm out, it has a way of dismantling the mask (as you know from before) and then hopefully there is room to truly forgive & let go. Until then, we are bonded in a very unhealthy way. It is also really important to get outside support–be it counselor, support group, faith, here etc..we don’t have to do it alone.
“You cant live without him”—the more time away and NC the more you will see the lies that he told you, the lies you tell yourself and the lies that were told to you earlier on–the more you will think “I can not live life in full with this guy in my orbit-You will feel more like captive who needs to make a break –fast. I wish you peace & urge you to take a walk in the park 🙂
Pace,
EL
What a wonderful, beautiful, well thought out comment el thank you!! I am on my phone so unsure who this post was to. But it meant a lot to me today. Thank you!!!
@EL
I am getting sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I haven’t broken off yet because the things he’s said about my behaviors is true. To be blameless, I can’t be lashing out in anger or assumption, even when I feel like someone is hurting me. I think it’s okay to state how I feel manipulated, but I have done more than that. I’ve been waiting to address this part of myself. I am close. I am okay with silence instead of lashing out, if it doesn’t help. I’m confused about my expectations too, whether I’m being inflexible and am just upset at not getting my way. I’m having setbacks with eating as I go through this. I’m angry with myself. I’m sure it sounds crazy, but I feel these are lessons I must learn before I move on.
EL,
Thank you for such a thorough and heartfelt response. I really feel like I could walk away. There will be no regrets, but at this moment im in that “fog”. He has me “under his control” a little bit.
I swear I was fine, even seeing him after 2 months NC. Thing is, he kissed me and I was soon after sucked in. It is utterly ridiculous for someone to have this much control.
He is not very attractive, has paranoia constantly, and acts like 3 different personalities. I want NC but I always worry about how he is doing. Lives with parents who shout all day n night, he was institutionalized twice as a kid, left his real dad and brother behind to live with mom and viciously abusive stepdad, he changed his last name while in-patient, 6 months each time. I’ve got a lot to think about. I’m exhausted. Thank you again for your support.
Bunny he might play victim about his past but this is no excuse for this behaviour. Lots of people have bad childhoods and don’t abuse. He is using this as an excuse and controlling you with it too. You cannot fix him. Only he can do this. If he is a sociopath he has no conscience. It gets worse over time.
Hi Bunnygirl
Happy New Year! I was wondering how it was going for you and your S? Have you managed to maintain NC?
I’ve been lucky enough to get over mine….4 months of too-ing and fro-ing, breaking NC too often, regretting it, but I’m there! I feel so much more positive about 2014. I’ve also just met someone else who is not charming, who isn’t love bombing me and who doesn’t mirror me…he is normal and we are taking things easy but it is good. I have my running and my running club, my own life, my own friends and like myself a lot more than I did before I got hooked by the S. This time last year I was celebrating with the S but he was already showing signs of unreliability.
This year I hope will be very different from the emotional rollercoaster I live in 2013 whilst dating a sociopath. I never want to feel destroyed like that again.
You can get over them!
Lavache,
It is so good to hear from you. You are doing so good! You must feel so much relief, and are probably getting more energy back. It really makes me happy to hear this.
I have not physically seen my S in over 2 months now. This has helped a great deal. Whenever we were together I would HEAVILY bond with him. It seemed like a drug, unexplainable, withdrawal was hell. I have stayed away, however, I’ve been participating in his texts. We just had a long phone call that went bad. He was so sweet but then he turned into a monster, crazy making, gas lighting, accused me of cheating, etc. At 2am, he hung up in a hurry and didn’t answer back. Another girl prob showed up. Sickening.
I just changed my phone number and I feel……FREE. I am no longer looking at my phone for text messages. There is a real chance for inner peace now. I am so THANKFUL we are all here for each other. Keep up the excellent work!! 🙂
Jusagirl,
Be kind to yourself, take it slow–chose to love yourself . As for the eating and support in general– Have you heart of OA or any other 12 step? OA is overeaters anon but its for all eating disorders, sugar, anorexia, bulimia, just eating, using or abusing food, unhealthy eating patterns–plus you can work on deeper root issues with sponsor, 12 steps and get group support–it may just give you that little push to think of your own well being, take a step towards self care etc..I know things really got better when I started to attend to AA & LSAA (love & sex addicts anon) Truly we need each other, community, honest support and love & prayer. Did pray for all the ladies & gents on here earlier tonight, will continue to do so, as I pray every day for my own recovery too. We all need to learn from our experiences, but its dangerous to do it alone or in a vaccum. Im so glad you are posting here, and if you feel inspired look up a 12 step meeting–we share so much hope, strength and miracles happen–we help each other its truly a grace that saves & can lift us up and out of the fog! 🙂 Adding a counselor and prayer is the best defense,
Wish you peace,
EL
Bunnyshy,
I agree with Positiva. And I also know in my case it truly is/was an addiction. The exhaustion for me was the beginning of the end. I have lots of energy, but he started to siphon it very subtly over time along with my joy. I had enough distance between dates to start to notice–it helped me realize that I was being used–and that it was not love. Love is peaceful in its essence, fear is chaotic & exhausting in essence. But like a love junky I let him convince me that this was the best I would get. I also realized that I could count on him to give me affection anytime I wanted–and realized I am an affection junkie–huge deficit. So once I realized that really I was using him in a way to have my emotional need for affection (even if there was manipulation, lies, shady biz etc–I was in effect bartering!) I was getting hooked and dosed –and when the withdraws would hit subtly ( as he was probably with other sources of supply etc) I would recognize that I had more doubts, insecurities, anxiety–clearly under the influence—when the last date got a little aggressive, and boundaries tested–I stayed calm–I believe it was God protecting & guiding me—the next day I just decided that my life was actually in danger (mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually) because his masked was cracking–and he had not physically started to abuse me–but he in effect gave me a warning with his aggressive boundary push–I knew it would escalate if I didn’t stop it when I did.
So, please stay safe, keep posting & don’t let sympathy for the devil get the best of you. Be good to you- cause if you don’t no one else can. EL
Thank you Positiva for compliment, its like redemption when a hurt recovered can be turned into a help/light for someone 🙂 Truly a blessing when you start to see in Technicolor again–instead of black/white/grey. Got to share it, as its so slow and I get impatient for the fog to lift so I can see what’s what! Best, EL
Thank you everyone! EL, this last post of yours really hit home. It seems to be bartering for me too….for affection. He crossed major boundaries on our last date, verbally abusing and using intimidation. Really off the wall compared to before. There was always aggression directed towards others but not me…until the past few weeks. It’s a nightmare I’ve read about that is coming true. I’ve been waiting to see it, thinking maybe it won’t come, but the fury has begun! I thought he could’ve been the one. “Forever” got a lot shorter
oh and Positiva, thank you again for this safehouse. I consider it an online rehab for us love junkies. I pray to one day to have healthy, safe love. I know it begins with me loving myself first-enough to do the hard work–and go to the dark places within myself–instead of focusing on the Soc–then I can share more completely with others–I have to slay my own dragons (preferably in a dress 🙂 instead of getting conned by prince charming. Oh dang it Disney! Has anyone noticed how dark & evil Disney actually is?! Ciao for now, EL
Bunnyshy,
Same pattern –“aggression towards others, not me, waiting to see thinking it wont come– fury, thought I could have been the one, forever just got shorter”
You have no idea how this is triggering all of my alarm alert systems–I have no idea who you are or where you live and it doesn’t matter–PLEASE listen to your higher self & intuition. Praying for you and all the Holy Angels to surround, protect & illuminate you with pure love 🙂 EL
EL,
I’m sorry about the triggers. I know how you feel! 😦 I “left” him but he is texting and calling nonstop. I ignore it for hours. (When I give in, I get a hundred questions about where I was and what I was doing). The attention sort if feels good yet I am suffocating as well. I feel intimidated by him if I don’t answer.
He is pretending that he is “opening up” about secrets, but they are lies as well! I’m pretty sure of that. He did nothing for my birthday, so any other day will be WORSE treatment! Evades questions by giving answers to OTHER questions…lol! Genius! Idk where I want to go from here. I feel confident leaving, yet I feel bad for him.
Hey bunny in this situation read my post how to get even with one. Sometimes it is impossible to do no contact.
Positivagirl,
Thank you for showing me that! It’s a lot of work to fake things, but I think I can do it. You’re right, they will believe if we lie or fake things since we are usually honest…brilliant! I am “going to town” on some creative stories, leaving him with no ammunition whatsoever. I am tired if explaining every little thing I do, down to going to get a coffee at 7-11! Hopefully he will get exhausted. I still have some feelings but I am tired of being told lies! :p Love ya girl! 🙂
Do you know, I thought that how difficult it would be. When I did it it was enlightening. It made me realise how little respect you have for someone when you lie. You realise for the very first time you are on equal footing. So he is determined to play the game? Then play on your terms what is brilliant about this is because you are honest he will believe everything you say. Go to town. It’s liberating and will or should help you to detach. I found it empowering.
EL, Positivagirl ,
Thank you for your love and guidance. He started asking what a psychopath or sociopath is last night. I never ever brought it up. He must know that he is one. It was like he was either trying to share or seeing if I knew what this was. I love him (not in love I don’t think). I think he wants me around but I keep waiting to be discarded 😦
Bunnyshy,
You are love, You are loved and love is really love?! 😉
Best wishes for your detox and healing balm of truest love.
EL
So, how do you get over this? I was married to my ex-husband for 10 years and I still love the person I THOUGHT HE WAS, but realize that person never existed. When I finally realized I was living with a stranger, I was able to walk away. When I did I was broke and ruined – my retirement fund went on his “business” which failed because everyone else were crooks. He lost his job (one of many) because his employers were all deceitful and I lost my house. He committed adultery and she moved within a week of my departure, but continues to harass me over things like wanting my cookbooks and artificial Christmas trees. It’s been 15 months and everytime I feel like I’m getting better, he blindsides me. So, how do you get over this?
Do you have children together
Thank heavens, no!
Celeste,
I am really thankful that you have no children with him. It gets much more complicated in that situation. You are doing great! And when you do feel blindsided, stay firm and remember how far you’ve come. It’s a bumpy ride but he doesn’t own you! Complaining over cookbooks and trees? What a wacko! Lol. He wants attention and reaction, but he is not gonna get it! 😉 My spath took another turn for the worse. Very mentally abusive/controlling, scary, out of control individual. We have to keep working towards the goal…a healthy normal life. Their plans are cancelled!! 🙂
He goes back and forth, but he is most threatening when he is obsessing over “stuff”. He is so stuff-oriented that locked his first wife out of their home and took everything she owned, then moved it ALL in a container from New Zealand to the United States!!!
He had the same plans for me, but because I knew what it was coming, I was able to recover important personal possessions that belonged to my grandparents, etc. When I left him, he got so emotionally overwhelmed because I was taking things like my romance novels, that he became pale, began sweating and shaking. He took my laptop and made up a story about the house being burglarized – I knew a local cop and he found out that it was a lie. He says needs my cookbooks because he is starting school at Le Cordon Bleu to become a chef and his mentor, a famous Food Network chef (drive on in, hint, hint), told my ex he needed old cookbooks in order to become successful, yet in August his doctor had only given him 5 years because he has hypertension and got the hives from his laundry soap (yeah.. I know..).
He is so desperate to get at what I have, (which is really very little other than personal items), he goes between negotiation, bribery, being pathetic to being vicious. 2 months ago he was going to return everything he had previously taken that belonged to me, if I would let him go through everything I didn’t let him “approve” of, then last weekend he went crazy and even accused my elderly parents of stealing a table he gifted them 10 years ago.
Is this craziness (which would be entertaining if it weren’t for real) something in addition to being a sociopath, or is it just another facet of the same disorder?
Love this post 🙂 so simple and so true…
I would have never known he was a sociopath if he wasn’t going to tell me that by himself, I would have lived my life feeling inferior and bad about myself for no reason, unhappy and blaming myself for not making the “relationship” work… Believe it, I researched what he told me, the fact that he is a “sociopath” 3 years after he mentioned that, that’s how naive and ignorant I was, no clue whatsoever… I could have saved 3 years of my life if I would have known what that is… People should be educated about these kind of disorders in school, not just math and science and computer science… It’s awesome to know all that, love it, but we live in a world filled with people…
Hi Alice;
I’m glad you found out in just 3 years. It took me 10 years to realize that all the things I “forgot” or “didn’t understand” or “never said” wasn’t me at all-but his way of controlling me and getting what he wanted at any price.
I took psychology in high school and college, but never thought in a million years HE was a sociopath until I finally caught him in his lies. Even then I gave him another chance because he promised he would never tell another lie. Technically, he kept his word because he continued to lie over and over and over, not caring who he hurt int he process.
In my case, I think a better class would have been one that taught me to believe in my instincts and don’t automatically trust anyone because you want to believe that people are basically good. And for extra credit – learn that it’s OK to say no. =)
whew. it’s exhausting reading all of these posts, but there is strength in numbers. I’ve been married to a socio/narc for 12 years and have tried over and over to make the relationship work. But somehow it was always my fault that things weren’t right. So I’d try harder. I believed this man, loved him, wanted the best for him. Thank god I found out he had an affair for 6 months with an acquaintance (something said read his email…) and I was finally able to say ENOUGH, you drain me. I moved out of our bedroom and stopped doing anything with him. Within a few weeks he was trying to hook up with women and then he got on match.com. He still doesn’t know I know. he’s dating other women and thinks I don’t know. At this point, I’m using the knowledge as power. Very important that I’m seeing a therapist and working through this. It’s hard to adjust our behavior by ourselves. And I don’t want to get caught in this trap again! I will get divorced from this creep as soon as I’m ready for that drama. I cannot verbally joust with this guy. He’s a master. And I have to give up financial security, but that will be worth it too. I want my freedom back, with peace and harmony. No lies.
Sending lots of strength and hope to you all stuck in these nowhere relationships.
Thank you Nomore. Welcome to the site 🙂
Nomore,
It sure is exhausting. I’ve been back and forth and I can’t even stand him! I keep looking for that tiny bit of kindness that his MASK provided in the beginning. I feel like Charlie Brown, keep trying to kick that football but it keeps getting pulled out from under him! Lol. Anyways, we don’t see each other anymore because I say so, finally! AND we argue and pick at each other nonstop thru text and calls (since I fight back now)! Idk what the hell im looking to accomplish. Maybe I love him and just need to know hes alive and ok?
Hi Bunny, are you still seeing your soc?
I’m still seeing mine:( and feel sorry for him too. But I don’t love him anymore. I’ve met someone else who seems so normal in comparison (not sweeping me off my feet, but normal!) and he is definitely an upgrade on the old model!
Good luck with yours…I hope you manage to make the break but it sounds like you know what you are doing and you are over him..even if you can’t go completely no contact. I’m in the same position.
Hey Lavache,
You are so lucky to have a normal person in your life. It really is a relief to be around a human being. Even though he’s not knocking your socks off, it’s still great! I would love to have that someday soon.
I was only seeing my spath once every couple of weeks in the end because I canceled a lot and couldnt stand him. We text everyday, since I have failed NC yet again. I really do love him but he is a horrible person most of the time. He does drugs, always has a job with “no name”, refuses to share anything, like a criminal and cheater. He’s a total mystery. I’m sick of it. Exhausting!!
My socio is an angel in comparison. Has his own company, doesn’t do drugs or drink, has a lot of friends, but unfortunately still has the crocodile tears (I saw him yesterday and he was nearly in tears the whole time) and I’m sure he is still seeing his ex and other women. He doesn’t sound like a socio but he is, sadly. A very charming one.
Lavache,
That really is confusing! What I don’t understand is, why does mine make so much effort with me as far as texting and calls, trying to get together? It confuses me. I’m made to feel special but yet I know what he is.
Bunnyshy, your socio sounds as though he relies on you a lot more than mine does. Mine lied and cheated, makes me feel guilty but he isn’t a social case. He has a little company and works (although not as hard as he thinks he does) and doesn’t rely on me, except for the adoration side of things. It sounds that yours relies on you for more than just the adoration!
Lavache,
I tell him what I don’t like nonstop over the phone. He never quits until I feel better. Sometimes a couple of hours. What do you mean he relies on more? I have given him nothing in a month. I really need your input.
Bunnnnnnny… you’re still dealing with him. Ok. Mine did the same thing. Appeared to suffer through all my diatribes, rantings, questions, points. I say “appeared” because, more likely than not, he is tuning you out sometimes but pretending to give you an ear. But, for the sake of argument, let’s say he’s engaged and appears to be interested in what you have to say.
Why would he do this? Because YOU are still engaged. Say what you don’t like if you like, your actions however are showing it is not bothersome enough for you to leave him. He knows this. He is indulging you because he knows this is the lie you need to tell yourself—that you are not taking his crap, and standing up for yourself.
When you actually see him turn into another man just to please you (for more than a day or two) let us know. More than likely, he is biding his time until you are satisfied that you’ve got everything out and you can settle into the task of accepting the next degrading level he’s waiting to push you to. They are very patient, and he has no intention of changing. It is you who are talking yourself through a change—he is just waiting you out.
Dear Jusagirl , Celeste,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, taking time out to help me. I need to hear this. Jusagirl, you really spelled it out for me very well. I need this. Do you think he will go away if I pretend I’m dating someone else and that its likely going to get serious? If he left me alone it might be easier to get out.
That is a tough one. I know your impulse is to do anything you can to escape the pain he is putting you through and I know from experience you have to do what is best for you. I too thought about cooking up a fake relationship but I decided against it because I didn’t know how he would react to it. Plus with social media, if you aren’t careful your business gets plastered all over the internet and then you have to explain things to people, etc. Just too complicated for me! LOL
I was lucky – mine realized that I was getting wise so he started trolling the internet for a new victim. My ex is attractive and has a yummy British accent – and he uses it to his advantage every chance he gets. So he hooked up with his new woman before I ever told him I was leaving and because she was an untapped source of cash and he had already bled me dry, it was an easy switch for him. Now he only bothers me to try and get back his trophies or to accuse me and my elderly parents of stealing the family jewels and/or art treasures from New Zealand (no treasures, no jewels). I always reply to his emails – saying exactly what I want – then delete the email. I’ve also read that some of the survivors who share things on this blog write things out and then burn it. I don’t think it matters how you choose to vent, as long as you have an outlet to release it. I’ve found it does indeed help.
I have to say the one common thread I’ve seen in my brief time following this blog is that you must end any and all communication – which eliminates any weakness on your part and the control he has over you.
I know it’s hard. It is miserable to deal with all the @#$% that they feel entitled to lay at your feet. It takes time but it does get better.
I understand what you are saying but I have come to the realization that I loved/love something that doesn’t exist. When I think of him I have to forget all the sweetness (which was fake) and remember the ugliness and everything he did to me (leave me broke, have an affair, etc.).
Because if he loved me the way he said he did, he wouldn’t have done this to me. I believe that any SP (mine is SP/N) doesn’t have the ability to love or to respect anyone other than the person they see in the mirror. Once I fell into his trap, he had no reason to love or respect me – just use me to meet his own needs. So I’ve discovered that I have to respect myself enough to not allow anyone to use or disrespect me.
=)
Bunnygirl
Is there any way you can block his phone number, make sure you never receive his emails by marking him as a spam sender. so you have no contact with him at all? I really think you are going to have to do this if you want to be rid of him. He knows that he still has you at the moment. Even if you just see an email from him you are still under his control, you will want to read it. If you don’t weren’t married to him or don’t have children with him you have no excuse not to go no contact if you really want him out of your life. I’m the same, but like you, I’m choosing not to block him out completely (which is probably crazy).
The fact that I’ve met someone else should help but then I’m now to feeling guilty about hurting my socio because he says he still loves me. It is crazy considering what he did to me – and you know how badly yours treated you too. Just think about the lies he told. You can’t argue with the truth. You can never believe a word a socio says, Even when he looks you in the eyes and says it. You MUST remember this.You deserve a life and you won’t move on until you get rid of him completely.
@Bunny
I think he will continue to swap lies with you for as long as you will allow it. And, if he really is a sociopath, you are the one who will end up hurting, never him. You tell him you’ve started dating someone, he will tell you has been out of the country and met someone amazing (or whatever he knows will twist a knife in your chest).
You might be waiting for him to do something truly heinous so you can be done with him finally. But, if it does get to that, it really won’t help things. You already know what he is so, look at it this way… do you need to stand in the poo to know it’s poo?
Jusagirl,
Lol! You’re right, I know you’re right. Maybe I am waiting for him to do something really mean so I can be completely turned off. Lavache, I change my number, it’s just that everyone has it, and my son knows it by heart which is important if he needs me.
The spare says, “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” “I was paranoid and didn’t know to trust you, I wish I opened up my heart and life to you” , ” I wish you’d be more patient with me”, ” you matter to me very much-you have no idea!”
It’s hard for me to hear these things and not believe it, yet deep down, of course it must be garbage right? He’s really convincing.
Today is 3 months NC. It’s still so exhausting–and frustrating trying to recover from the mind bending– I feel the impact most now– it’s been frustrating also trying to get support I met with counselor today– it was our last visit– I sent her a link to this 2 weeks ago, she still hadn’t read it– and I’m still in crisis/trauma — concurrent to parents care, finding job & place to live all at Christmas– been doing everything I can — I need good counsel with someone experienced– met with another counselor after breaking up with previous. I was a strong, self confident, self directed woman before — I can’t think or make decisions– and need help to put the pieces back — as the rose colored glasses came off and fog lifted–as I recover– I feel more broken– and I have more clarity–I feel the strongest And weakest at the same time — it’s completely weird– cognitive dissonance still– with myself. How do I sort the pieces & glue myself back together– I want my joy, confidence, energy and life back– have been praying ad reclaiming but OUCH, it’s crazy how zapped I am even 3 mo. Later– and especially 3mo later– been taking all the steps? Anyone have suggestions for this stage? Or experienced this? Thank you for any wisdom, hope, experience-/ EL
EL,
I was no contact for a couple of months at one time. I was doing great, agreed to meet up with him for coffee. I was was fine when I saw him and enjoyed talking, and I felt strong and relaxed. Problems started when kissed me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but what I am trying to share with you is this: I made it! I just got sidetracked, irresponsibly. Do not ever meet up with this person, not even a coffee. I looked into a sociopathic book by M E Thomas. She is a sociopath who let a baby opossum drown in her pool. She toyed with it, holding it under water with a net, then giving it a break only to hold it under yet again. After “playing”, she left it struggling and went on with her day. THIS is a new AHA moment for me. We are being toyed with in the cruelest way. This is how they look at us. You and I are that baby opossum, we all are here. We mean nothing to someone who is nothing. I am going to make it again. No way in hell am I going to be TOYED with again. NC is still difficult, as I still worry about him, the empath that I am. A text once in awhile to know he’s alive is where I’ll probably always be at, but I will not see him again…period. Do not see him….EVER, and you will make it EL.
Bunny,
I hope you are ok, I worry. Across the miles for all of us, but I also know we are the strong ones, resilient & full of love– as you demonstrate . I’m going to try to figure out how to post a link–
You are generous with love and care for me & others– THANK YOU for your sobering story– I pray you will love & care for yourself in the same way–/ there is no way I would be NC or emotionally/pyschologically safe or on my way to recovery if I had contact with him in any way ( text. Etc) it’s amazing how much I’m still struggling after 3mo NC– not so much about him in particular ( thank God) but all the collateral damage emotionally & mentally- like waking up after a hangover–just not right— hungry, angry, lonely and tired. HALT– it’s tough for someone as energetic as me to just Stop– which is the only way through recovery — I’ve had to really slow down-/ still trying to get my bearings– I know the process would be slower and even more painful & damaging if I had let it go on any longer — him or contact. I’m super relieved to be free from captivity in many ways– my mind though Needs healing my heart seems to be doing much better than my head. It’s snowing so beautiful today, I just woke up to it– going to spend time with girl friend// getting her tree and decorating–she is also no contact and struggling– usually her man would get the tree – this yr we are going to do it 😉 peace be with you Bunny– you have a beautiful heart — just remember to guard it with Jesus Sacred Heart — he will help & protect EL
I was where you’re at for a long time, Bunny. The real truth is, what I didn’t know wasn’t hurting me. And, in the absence of hard, cold facts, I chose to assume the best. That he really wasn’t doing me any harm and I should care about his well being. But I knew I wasn’t getting the truth because of all the time lapses. He had to be spending all that time with others…especially if he knew I wasn’t going to know the difference anyway. I suspect your situation could be similar? As in, no way of verifying what he’s really up to?
In my case, there was finally a connection to the OW, his ex-wife, where I was able to verify all the things I believed were the real truth. He really was having sex with her, denying ever having sex with or being in relationship with me—as though I was nothing to him but a “friend”—same thing he told me about numerous other women who he texted with and who called him.
I know his focused attention on you makes you feel like you must mean something to him. My ex-soc always said, “You know there is love”, etc. Well, his version of “love” doesn’t amount to much if he can so freely sling it around to every woman he comes in contact with… and that’s what these people do.
Remember the talk on here about why soc’s do the mean things they do to you? It’s “because they can”. And, if they think they can repeat everything they are doing with you with others, they will. Why? “Because they can”.
Jusa you are right on the money with this– it’s so automatic– all of it– they are on auto pilot AND they do leave tons of hints and slip ups, esp with arrogance– they will go on as long as we stay in denial or distracted– we must take first exit we find — because usually there is some kind of blinking red lights at some pt after all thelittle flags–your post just gave me reminder I needed– it’s crazymaking what goes on simultaneously with each soc EL