A sociopath will identify his target, and if given the opportunity, if the assessment of the target shows that there can be potentially good yield. The sociopath will move in swiftly.
The sociopath is like an eagle who see’s his prey from the sky, and with beady eyes swoops in for the kill.
Photo – Rob Palmer
Other people, to the sociopath, are merely prey, targets, victims to be used. They move in close to their prey, watching and observing, they move in close, before going in for the kill.
The spectacular thing about this, is that you do not see an eagle, with sharp talons hunting its prey heading towards you. Instead, you see a dove of peace, there is something about this dove, which is different, you can’t quite put your finger on it. But, it looks like a dove, so you allow it close to you. What is different? If you look closely, you see that the dove has the piercing eyes of an eagle.
The sociopath circles, and moves into close proximity, fast! He constantly asks you how you feel about him? ‘Do you love me?’ he asks. You are made to feel guilty. The sociopath makes you feel sorry for him, you feel that you don’t want to reject him. You are circled and lured in fast. Speed is important, it doesn’t give you time to think and can confuse you.
You reason that this is a nice guy, and perhaps you should give him a chance? You feel guilty, and dismiss those initial gut reactions.
What you see, is not exactly what you will get with the socioopath. Whilst you are being shown, the white dove of love…
This is just an illusion. For the sociopath, is not a bird of peace. The sociopath is the cameleon, the magician, the master of disguise. Whilst he don’s the image of peace. He really only brings LOVE as a tool, to manipulate you.
In your own mind, it can be difficult when the relationship ends, to let go of this image, of the perfect love, that the sociopath works so hard to create. You will experience warning signs, a gut feeling in your stomach, warning you. Something about him, feels just ‘off key’ and ‘not right’. You cannot put your finger on what it is, and if you try to question it, the sociopath will play victim, and display ‘hurt feelings’ and so you dismiss these feelings, and feel guilty for doubting him.
I described it, as like watching someone singing a song on tv, but that the music was just slightly out of synch. That was the feeling that I had. Something was just, not quite right.
The sociopath has good eyesight, and has powers of observation that most people would miss. He watches, and observes, waiting for the perfect time to catch his prey. He learns about you, asking you questions, finding out as much information about you as he can. Later all of this information will be used against you. Watch the sociopath out of the corner of your eye, and you will see him observing you.
At first, you might mistake this for interest. It is interest, but not in the way that you think. He is assessing you, and mirroring back to you what you want, for a reason. That reason, is to use you up for his next source of supply.
Just like the eagle needs to hunt for prey, the sociopath does the same. Sometimes he knows exactly what it is that he is looking for. At other times, the perfect prey comes his way who is seeking something missing in their life.
Aside from being the hunter, the sociopath is also the chameleon. He can blend effortlessly into his new surroundings. This gives you the illusion, that this is ‘meant to be’ it just feels so very right. It wouldn’t occur to you, that there are people out there who will feign anything, to be exactly what you want and need, to lure you in. To capture you. To corner you.
The sociopath knows, that by simply doing the following, he would have caught his next victim. The sociopath is the master, and is practised at deception. Each time he follows the same pattern:
- Observe and analyse
- Overconfidence, charismatic and charming, great company
- Intense eye contact
- Moves physically in close, creating a sense of intimacy
- Lies and deception, to morph into the person that you need, creating a web of lies about his past, and his intentions for the future
- Provides false credentials
- Shows intense interest in whatever you are interested in
- Asks constant questions
- Is more interested in your life, than his own
- Comes across as someone who is hard done by
- Tells you that you are the love of his life, the person that he has waited all his life for
- Tells outrageous lies (which you will not be aware of until much later)
- Wants to take up all of your time, not even giving you room to breath or to see people, or do things that are important to you
- Is overly helpful, and romantic
By doing all of these things, he creates a false sense of intimacy, very quickly. Did you notice how quickly –
- He invaded your personal space
- He violated your privacy
- He isolated you
- You stopped having your own life, independence, and following your own dreams
- How quickly YOU became US
- How you were made to feel guilty if you thought of YOU and not US
You probably didn’t. The sociopath is the typical iron hand in the velvet glove, he is smooth, and as he has no conscience, and does not feel guilt, remorse or shame, he can lie without thinking, saying whatever he needs to say, to lure you in, manipulate and deceive you.
Being victim to this predator, is in no way a reflection on you. There is nothing that you did wrong, and there was also nothing that you could have done to change the outcome. It is the way that the sociopath is, the way that the sociopath operates. It is highly likely that the sociopath has done this time and time again in the past, and will repeat the same behaviour again in the future.
The sociopath is an opportunist. A chancer. A gamer. A predator. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else. For always, the sociopath needs a victim in his life. He lives and thrives off of the life force of others. Constantly conning, and always follows the patterns of:
- Assessment
- Seducing
- Gaming
- Ruining
If only you knew this at the beginning? ….. but it was very hard to know that you were experiencing the ultimate act of betrayal and that it was indeed a predatory eagle, that was masquerading as the dove of peace and love.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Photo copyright Rob Palmer
Dating a Sociopath 
I ended a friendship almost 10 months ago and made it very clear I did not want contact with this person (we are both female). Unfortunately we attend the same church. In church, this person deliberately seeks me out to say hello. This morning, during greetings she put her hand on my shoulder from behind and said good morning. I was caught off guard. She pulls these kinds of stunts when my husband is not with me (he stayed home this morning). I came close to passing her a note telling her not to touch me and not to approach me just so she can portray her “image” at church, but I decided against it because she may have been trying to provoke me and I didn’t want to let her succeed. But should I make it clear to her not to touch me and not to approach me, or just do a better job of staying away from her? Thanks.
It’s a difficult one isn’t it? As you feel guilty as you don’t want to make a scene, and don’t know how the other person would react, and also can you say it in the right way?
Sociopaths do not seem to have the same sense of boundaries or space that others have. I found that they often overstep the mark, with physical space. I do not know if this is deliberate or not?
If it makes you feel uncomfortable, can you say something to her? But make a joke out of it? Touching you, and invading your personal space, is a violation of your own privacy. I say to say it in a way that you make a joke out of it, because the sociopath has an uncanny knack of being able to twist words that you say, and later use them against you. If you make a joke out of it, and don’t show that it unnerves you, she will realise that you are aware of it, but that it is not (as far as she can see) getting to you.
Thank you. Yes, I feel guilty. This is the first time in my life I have not been able to “get along” with someone and it is unnatural for me to ignore a person deliberately. But I have done that many times even though it is uncomfortable.I have never cut someone off like this, but she nearly destroyed me. She isolated me from my friends and suffocated me and used me in discarding another person, her former “bff.” When I finally realized I was just her new supply, it all started to click and I felt stupid, humiliated and guilty/ashamed for my role in hurting another person (I thought I was “helping” and that she had been a “victim” of this other person….but now I know this was a lie. She was just tired of her and couldn’t get any more supply out of her so the friend had become burdensome). I know she is completely aware that I want nothing to do with her so I do not understand why she keeps approaching me. She is REALLY really good at catching me off guard. which she did many times in our friendship when she had something to “correct” in me. I know she did this deliberately today, because she doesn’t approach me when my husband is around – he has no problem telling her off. Always wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt, I feel I need to clarify with her, but I think maybe anything she can get out of me will be a source of supply for her. I was probably visibly shaken, and it took a lot for me to remain seated throughout the rest of the service. I like your suggestion of making it a joke, except she plays the “I don’t get it game,” so I feel like if i did anything, I would have to be direct. But I don’t think I’m ready to do anything…ugh. Thanks for listening. Really appreciate your blog.
Thanks for a very helpful article. I didn’t understand before why women were not smart enough to see through predatory men. I consider myself quite aware and smart, but then it happened to me. A well educated man, great job, church-going etc presented himself as a genuine human being, flattered me, rushed to calling me ‘babe’ and ‘honey’ and ‘we’ & ‘us’ within 4 weeks, made me feel guilty that I wasn’t responding as he wanted etc. Then I unexpectedly asked him out of the blue one day what we were. Glad I did that. Caught him totally of guard and we was scrambling for answers. I didn’t accept the cop offs. I cross questioned till I got the truth, then the facade slipped & I saw the wolf in sheep’s clothing! He was just a sexual predator and if he had got sex, from what he said it was clear that I would have just been another conquest. Glad I withheld that. And just about everything else he wanted from me, because I figured that out too! Ladies don’t be too quick to throw your affections and attentions (doing nice stuff for him) on any man who doesn’t reciprocate and earn it! Onwards and upwards to better, younger and hotter…
Well done you Nia!!! For seeing through him. Lots of women don’t, and by the time that they do, they are dragged into the idea of perfection!! …
Thank you for your comment!! Sounds like a typical sociopathic encounter, no doubt he then moved straight onto his next victim!
The church seems to be a common place to meet a sociopath, as they can hide behind religion and moralistic persona, that they create. People tend to ‘trust’ those that they meet in the church.
It is really good that you saw through it before he scammed you!
Thank you 🙂
taths a true but i have a way to spot them they ulnike most men dont revel theyre emocions from the start wnhen someone is in a ralacionship wil tend for a strech of time produce an execive amount of a drug thath your body creates thath is like heroin evry ting about the person youre inlove is perfect wile tipe A sociopaths dont fell noting at all week men and women in a normal relacionship you will se a second of acepence as hours of love but with a sociopath there body will over drive incapable of notecing any traces of agenda , but none of us can help fith aguence the needle in our brain caled the amigdala exepte sociopaths and psicopaths one sucks you dry the other will kil you for an orgasme in they brains in a tack scan at the time tey kill the ole ting lits up like 4 of july
This happened to me. I met a man on match.com in January. It was too good to be true. Everything seemed to be going great until he suddenly broke up with me last week. one day he is telling me that I am an adequate woman for him, the next day he tells me he can’t be in a monogamous relationship with me. He suddenly became so cold and mean. It’s like he changed over night. He said something to me early in the relationship that creeps me out now. He said, “You are exactly who I was looking for.” Now I understand why he said that to me. I was his prey.
Men like that prey on women emotionally and physically. They use emotion to make us think we mean the world to them so that we will give up ‘the goods’ then they drop you like garbage… Predators not just because they take advantage but because they flat out lie, deceive and con; do anything to get what they want…
I wish I knew these things before. I’m fortunate to have gotten out of this early in the so-called relationship we had, but it still did some damage. It’s been almost 2 weeks and before I found this blog I was so confused. I couldn’t understand the sudden change in personality. It was as if he planned exactly when he would switch things up. These people are dangerous.
Absolutely dangerous and soul-sapping, which is why I think that we should spread the word so that other women are more aware of the patterns these predators follow which would hopefully help avoid them. Well done on leaving early, although there is some damage you will heal. Make a list of what you hated about him, and everytime you find yourself thinking about it, focus on the list instead. Works like a charm!
Yes, I agree with you on making a list of all his negative traits. I find myself thinking of all the plans we made for this summer and the future. The fool told me that since he met me, it doesn’t make sense to spend another season without me…HA! What frustrates me more is that when I confronted him about all the promises he made and things he said to lead me on, he blatantly denied saying any of them! I couldn’t believe it.
i belive thath the psicopath is worst when the sociopath does the tings he does to survive the psicopath does it for a tipe of psicological orgasm my frend is a sociopath and i dont see the serch for control thath psicopaths have but thats becuse your talking of sociopaths a and hes a sociopath c cuse alldo being capable of emocions like sociopath b .wile s. a like a psicopath bing incabable of emocion a is unlike b c icapable of minimized emocions hes capacble of having a circule of frends and having remorceful emocions real love and vengence in honor of inocents… only capable if he wasent a sociopath but i know he hes since hes fufiling half a group of tings on the list , like a belive thath he can do aniting
I too make a list, journals and read on the subject (like this excellent blog) every time I think about that man. He played on my loneliness when I became a widow at 44. He was my best friend and soulmate! I need to remind myself of what he really was, when I miss him. That it was all fake while my heart was true. It gives me strength and perspective on the facts that he was a sociopath playing me!
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Rebecca
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June 28, 2013 at 11:26 pm
Great blog! I too after my husband died fell for a sociopath in the neighborhood. He was my soulmate and perfect. But apparently had a lot of girlfriends, and those who were just entertainment. Since I did not have money and a young widow I was filed under “just entertainment” value! Like the others, they probably didn’t know that like me.
Long story short he threw me under the bus, since I was just sex for him, whilst he was everything to me and I loved him. I fell into a deep depression, not understanding what happened. Now only a few months later, he now has a new girlfriend whom he’s going to marry.
Ironically she has a young autistic son like one of his victims in the neighborhood, who lost everything and had to move… He has a biological autistic son which he abandoned after he was born 18 years ago who is in jail! Now you see a pattern to his predatory tendency, including women who have a black lab (dog) like his. It is how he hooks you! He is not good looking man but has a lot of charisma.
Anyways, God sent me men and women within the neighborhood, who knew of his reputation. God lifted the fog from my eyes. I now have a great new job, running for the neighborhood board (which his services will no longer be required), having a lot of fun and talking to people.
He’s stares at me since he no longer has control over me. Especially after he threatened me when I met one of his Ex’s and learned the truth about him. Amazing what a police report can do! He’s also spreading gossip about me, while I’m telling the truth about him. The “I’m getting married and etc.”, isn’t working, particularly when he sees a big ass smile on my face. He should worry when I report him to the state inspector for working fraudulently for the board not being licensed and bonded and being paid over the max of $200. In the nutshell he messed with the wrong woman. He can do his predatory stare all he wants, its not going to work a second time on me. I’ve got to go now I have a date! : )
I had a guy friend who was always there for me, and when I had a rough brake up with my ex, he made his move, acted like the best guy in the world and I fell for it … 2 years down the line here is what I’m left with: 1)he had a gf when we got together 2) he was going on vacation with girls while telling me it’s with his parents (he never has any money, yet somehow he does for Mykonos) 3)gave me an STI 4)I found emails to craigslist prostitutes/escorts 5)dating website profiles 6)disgusting bunch of friends who he talks about me disgustingly with 7)pretends to erase face book but blocks me instead so he doesn’t have to explain random girls to me … list goes on … It’s very hard to come out of a relationship with a sociopath, because you feel sad, you explain these feelings to him, hoping he’ll finally understand why you’re hurting, and he’ll always get out of it.
Whatever though, I’m not damaged by any of this. I know I’ll meet a great man.
The sociopath that I had happen to have a relationship with when I questions him, he got angry and blame me and made me feel that I was crazy by snooping on him on his facebook. He refused to accept as friends on his facebook and never mention to anybody about me. I found out that on 2011 he paid for two thai girls to met him in Hongkong but he told me he went there for adventure business which will make him lots of money. He used to have a very good job in school. He used his job nature to trick women to feel that he is such a gret guy who do anything for children in need. He uses his adventure and his travel to lure women. He kept telling people that he cannot find any girl to date him in his town. In fact he has many many online that whenever he goes to their country, he can uses them for sex or make them fall in love with him by taking them to nice restuarants, hotels. When he meet any woman for the first time, he will make himself as if he is fall in love with you at first sight which is he know that women love this.
The sociopath that I had happen to have a relationship with when I questions him, he got angry and blame me and made me feel that I was crazy by snooping on him on his facebook. He refused to accept me as a friend on his facebook and never mention to anybody about me. I found out that on 2011 he paid for two thai girls to met him in Hongkong but he told me he went there for an adventure business trip which will make him lots of money in the future.
He used to have a very good job in school. He used his job nature to trick women to feel that he is such a gret guy who do anything for children in need. He uses his adventure and his travel to lure women and make women think he is very spacial. He kept telling women that he cannot find any girl to date him in his town. In fact he has many many online that whenever he goes to their country, he can uses them for sex or make them fall in love with him by taking them to nice restuarants, hotels. He also have many women in his town too, I guessed because I found lots of condoms in his bag. When he meet any woman for the first time, he will make him look as if he is fall in love with that woman at first sight which is he know that women love this. I saw pictures of him with a young thai girl, he hugs her in every pictures.
I think his friends and his family will never found this out. I cannot imagine what are they going to say when they find out that their brother is a liar and trick women for sex and damage their selfesteem like he did to me when he knew that I knew the truth. What you wrote in this blog really help me to gain more confidence back. Thank you!
How many more women out there will be his victims. I hope one day he will get what he deserve! I believe in Karma.
This is the BEST WEBSITE EVER!!! Wow, my “sociopathic” ex-bf broke up with me in mid-February, and was married to someone else within a few months – she admitted she knew about me and when we broke up because “she was with him then”. Classy. However, he is a MASTER manipulator, and is so delusional that he thinks he “wasn’t cheating” and that he’s such a great guy. I told her that cheating was his pattern, that if he’d do it with her, he’d do it to her, and he also lies a lot. (his own sister and friend told me that. I sure wish I’d have listened)
When we first broke up I was so sad – but I had no idea how deceptive he was and that he was wooing someone else.. And he had groomed me, we were work friends before becoming involved romantically, and I was convinced that his then-girlfriend and ex-wife were the most horrible people. Boy did he ever woo me hard, then completely took over my life and socially and professionally isolated me from anyone who would call his character into question. I was also very vulnerable at this time in my life, as I was suffering from a life-threatening condition (which has since resolved).
So many times the alarm bells rang, and when I’d question him (read: NOT accuse, but question), he would get so bent out of shape and cold “You’re insecurity is really unattractive”. Such a loser. I actually think he is mentally ill beyond being a sociopath.
I have to share this with my friends – thank-you for helping me realizing that my honesty and loving-ness made me a target, and that I’m not stupid.
I am unsure if I have managed to reply to you. But no you are not stupid. They are just better at being manipulative than you are at detecting their behaviour.
I am so thankful for finding this site!! I had no idea that what and who I’d been dealing with (was madly in love with, gave my whole heart to, hoped to spend my life with), actually had a condition/disorder to explain the madness. He cost me important relationships, my sanity, my health, thousands of dollars spent on medical bills and nearly my job, as a result. In trying deal with the confusion, sadness and lack of understanding by outsiders, I became severely depressed, sleep-deprived, and underweight for the first time in my forty+ years of life, resulting in a paranoid, psychotic episode which led to almost two weeks of hospitalization and a slew of medication! I’m completely amazed at how accurately and specifically his behaviors and patterns have been detailed here. I feel much better knowing that I am not as weak and stupid as I began to think I was. He had me questioning my intelligence, instincts and sanity. The happiest times of my life were spent with him, by far! And, to learn it was never really real is devastating. But or the first time in almost four years of him in and out of my life, I am able to cut off all contact and accept that there is no hope and it was all a lie, from the very beginning. It’s so sad. But, thank you! Moving forward and not looking back now! 🙂
I think when you focus on that ‘it was all fake’ can be damaging to you. And it isn’t always true either. Yes sociopaths can lie and fake it, but they can also spend time with people just because they like them too. It is hard when they turn your entire world upside down – for nothing…. you are not weak or stupid either. If you are, then I am, and millions of others around the world are too. Just look at it that he has mental issues (clearly or they wouldn’t all repeat the same pattern of behaviour). Know that pattern will repeat, with or without you. Whether he wanted to or not. While they don’t have ‘love’ per se, they do feel ownership and possession. Which is why they are so controlling. Its not you…. welcome to the site 🙂
Thank you so much, positivagirl! That was good to hear too… a little easier to swallow!
Shattered, you perfectly described the guy in my life since 2009 after my husband died. I too was madly in love with him, then I found out about the truth about him this year. I was devastated! Like you I’m in my 40’s too. This supportive site and blog has helped me so much, it is a tough road ahead but it gets easier. – still hanging in there from South Carolina..
Hey becky1st. Wow, we do have similar stories… I had been in a bad marriage for 19 years and finally got the courage to leave in hopes of finding someone I did really want to spend the rest of my life with (I got married way too young to know that the first time around). I met sp a little over a year later (in 2010) and he swept me off my feet, told me he had found “the one”. I thought I had too. Everyone who knew me commented that they had never seen me so happy and how perfect we seemed for each other! It was like a fairy tale until the first time I questioned his honesty on something. It was never the same after that. A cycle of angry reactions and crazy, false accusations, then apologies and the wooing would start over… I didn’t even see the control he had. Before it was over with I had reached the lowest point of my life. He nearly did me in! Btw, I’m hanging in there in NC. 🙂
Wow! Interesting I live on the border and he had girlfriends and other in NC also! Hang in there 😄
Sorry if this posted twice…still figuring out how to post.
Funny if we’re talking about the same guy. My spath did home improvement and got around!
Shatter, how are you doing? Like I said before, my spath had girlfriends and others in NC as well in SC. Convenient living on the border. When I see him I just can’t stop grinning and laughing, which is a good sign. The Unfortunate part is that we live in the same neighborhood! It gets tough….
Hey Becky1st, I’m doing better and better each day. I kind of take two steps forward and one step back in healing, I guess you’d say, but going forward it’s a step in the right direction. Mine lives in Raleigh, not far from me as well, and right around the corner from my office. His best friend and my my best friend live on the same street too. So, I’m sure I’ll run into him at some point in time. I dread it! I’m glad to hear you’re laughing and smiling! I find myself doing that more and more all the time! 🙂
Is there a way for us to chat directly without posting our contact info publicly?
Hi, sorry for not getting back with you sooner. Between the holidays and having a bad cold… I’m been somewhat busy. Holidays are getting better but still lonely too. I don’t know if my spath married his latest victim or not. I have friends on the street where he lives and they don’t know. They said he doesn’t have anyone living with him and has been home lately. But with him who can tell! If he did get married then he better move! Either way I still don’t have closure yet…it’s been a long year : (. I’ll never forgive him for playing with a good woman and vulnerable struggling widow (me). And many others I have found out about! I guess I’ll get closure when he gets audited by the IRS!
Shatter it is not easy, surround yourself with good people! I have to remind myself of what truly a monster he really is. Dating a sociopath has helped me so much in putting it in perspective and understanding! Your, we are not alone…
Funny if we’re talking about the same guy. My spath did home improvement and got around!
My husband has gone off with a sociopath.she literally ticks every single box on this site. She set her sites on him, even telling her own husband that if she could sleep with anyone else it would be my husband! She then started the mind games with me saying someone thought her and my husband were having an affair, just to get me thinking. She has manipulated him right the way through. He lost his £50,000 a year job because she showed her husband emails between the two of them (Not acceptable in the army!) She has all the traits of a sociopath and is in the process of doing her PHD in psychology. She now lives 5hrs away so I really don’t think my husband is ever going to see her true colours as he only sees her every other weekend, he’s besotted and believes everything she says.
I don’t know whether I’m posting on the right site but wanted to know if there’s is a likelyhood that she will see through her and whether she really is capable of loving him.
Just one thing to add, sociopaths can, are you sitting down for this, be women too! 😱 Your article makes out it’s only men who sociopaths. Update please
This is obvious Johnathan, but fact is most diagnosed are men. Females are more likely to be diagnosed histrionic PD. Or sometimes BPD. But yes, of course there are females. This site is called ‘dating a sociopath’ it was a true life account of events while i was dating a male sociopath.