When you break up with a sociopath, it is usual to experience bereavement. This is because the person that you fell in love with, was just a lie. Everything was a lie. You were sold something which didn’t exist.
It is common at the end of a lot of relationships to go through the five stages of bereavement, but this is especially true for the person who has been dating the sociopath. You had fallen in love with the image of a person and the illusion you were sold.You fell in love with lies, and a charismatic mask. Now that you know the truth, there is nothing that can bring that person that you love back. You experience what feels like a death. It feels like bereavement.
What are the five stages of grief?
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
1.Denial and Isolation
You might have gone through denial many times, whilst still in the relationship. You might have known what was going on, or had suspicions, but you denied this to yourself. (and likely the sociopath denied also), denial was easier to face than the truth. This is what can cause confusion. When the relationship ends, facing the truth, that the person that you were in love with didn’t actually exist and that you were being sold something that was about as real as the Emperors new clothes, can be a difficult pill to swallow. When we are in denial, we:
Make excuses for the behaviour – trying to justify it in your own mind
You probably would have experienced isolation whilst in the relationship, as the sociopath is controlling, and could have taken you away from people close to you. Additionally after the break up, you might feel that other people wouldn’t understand the crazy that you have just been through which adds to the isolation.
Your sense of trust has been diminished, and this makes you feel isolated. When there is a true bereavement, there are others there for you. At the end of a relationship that others perceive as ‘bad’…. you can feel isolated and on your own. The person that you were in love with, really didn’t exist. It was all a lie.
2. Anger
Another defence mechanism is anger. You feel angry at what has happened to you. You feel angry that you have been lied to and cheated. You might think about revenge, you might feel disdain and hatred for the sociopath. You feel angry for what has been done to you, and the lack of respect for your own welfare.
Anger is a good defence mechanism, it protects you from pain, and during the time of anger towards another, you do not feel the anger at yourself. You are projecting your hurt and your pain back to your abuser.
3. Bargaining
Coming out of anger, the pain becomes overwhelming. Reality is coming closer. No longer are you protected by the pain of anger. You are feeling what has happened, and are reflecting that feeling towards yourself. Not feeling so angry, you are no longer protected from the pain.
To rid yourself of the pain, you try to bargain with your abuser. Will they change? Is there a reason for this behaviour? If you do x x x can they do x x x ? To make things better.
You are bargaining with both your abuser and yourself. You don’t want this pain, you don’t want this bereavement either, you want back the illusion of the person that you were sold. But no matter how much you want it, you realise that was all it was – illusion.
4. Depression
As the reality is starting to sink in, you begin to feel depressed. You are no longer in denial, you can see clearly what has happened to you. You feel used, and abused. You sink into depression. At this point, there is a sense of loss, but by now, you have been learning what has happened to you. You feel depressed and hurt, and withdraw into yourself. You want the pain to go away, and try to understand what has happened to you. You might have disturbed sleep patterns, difficulties with eating regularly. You will likely withdraw yourself from the life you led before, and have difficulty with trusting others.
You are no longer using defence mechanisms to protect yourself. Instead, you are feeling your pain. It hurts. You want the pain to go away.
5. Acceptance
The final stage of bereavement is acceptance. Whilst there is no definitive order to the other stages, they can come and go, in different stages. Acceptance is always the final stage.
When you have reached acceptance, you understand what has happened to you. Perhaps you have found some spiritual meaning to why?
Now you are in possession of the truth. You are no longer searching for answers. You are no longer deluded or confused, as you were in the first stage. You see the truth for what it is. No longer do you feel angry, either at your abuser, or yourself. You just accept, that what has happened, has happened.
You realise that there is no point in bargaining, because the person that you thought they were has gone. Now, you are moving out of depression, and are accepting. You feel pity for your abuser. Whilst you might not agree with what has happened to you, you accept it, and you let go.
In the final stage, there is no bitterness. When you have reached the final stage of acceptance. You have let go. The abuser is no longer attached to you. You might go through the first four stages many times, when you have reached acceptance, you have finally healed.
We are all different – but for me, personally, when I can let go, and be thankful for the lesson that it has taught me, this is where I am fully healed. When I can think of the person without feeling any emotion at all. Not anger, love hatred. Just neutral. In fact, for me, when I can let go with love, is when I am truly over it and at the final stage of healing – acceptance, healing, and freedom!!! In the final stage, you stop loving the sociopath – and you start truly loving you.
See also the post on reaching the final stage ‘acceptance’
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
I can’t wait to get to the acceptance part. I’m still in the anger/grieving stage. Here’s to hope!
You will, sometimes you go through the stages and back again. Acceptance is the final stage. When you get there, you are at peace……
When I look at his life and realize that if he were to continue to be in mine, how miserable I’d be, I’m ok. It would be a lot more hell if he were here with me. It was bound to come to an end, I just wish I had never gotten involved in the first place.
Yes me too. He cost me an absolute fortune. Caused carnage to my life (and is still causing damage to my life now too). They are just so sick in the mind.
The break up is tough, as it is not like a normal break up. You realise that the entire relationship was a sham. Nothing was real, so there is nothing to take from it. Which is why it is like the 5 stages of grief to recover.
I too am wishing I had never met him!
So nice to see I’m not alone in these thoughts.
This exactly describes all the feelings i experienced. now i have reached acceptence i really do feel pity for my ex. i am wiser and will meet someone new and have a normal caring relationship and happy life but my ex wil remain trapped in his own cold deceptive bubble for life
Hey Sarah,
I am really pleased to hear that you have gone through the process of recovery and are now coming out the other side. You are quite right, you are now able to have a normal loving caring relationship!! Enjoy!! 🙂
I want to get to that place where you can Pray for your abuser with a sincere heart. I am not there yet. “Forgiveness” sets the prisoner free. I want that but my anger and pain are holding me back. I am in the “God please help me to forgive this person” stage. I used to pray for him all of the time when I thought my prayers would help him out of a drug addiction life. I didn’t know at the time I was praying for a “demon spawn”. In the beginning he did keep me on my knees in prayer a lot and my heart was sincere at the time but now I feel like a fake person praying for him because deep down inside I am still angry. Shackled by a ghost.
Do you know for sure that he is a sociopath? As I noticed a lot of similarities between sociopathy and drug addiction. I spent a long time working with drug addicts, and the parallel with the sociopath is quite remarkable. The difference was, with the addict it was the drug causing the behaviour. With the sociopath, their brain is wired differently, they think differently.
Omg I thought I was alone in all this..ive just broke up with a sociopath..and I’ve to go through the grieving stage..gosh I didn’t know at the time what he was but gradually started to realise with cheating lies ect..will I get through this..if I’m honest I’m a little frightened..
Being frightened in the beginning is very normal Angela. I remember feeling frightened too. The more I read, the more frightened I was. If you have just broken up, give it time. Keep to no contact this is important to allow yourself time to heal.
Thankyou for your healing words of enlightenment & hope. Reading these chapters of your journey & list of the personality traits, patterns of these tortured souls, was confirming, validating my early warning signs of manipulation tendencies, seeing light at the end of the tunnel. (my friends saw thru my ex, they helped me to see what he was like) I had early warning signs after 1 wk of dating & he was rushing me along, started living with me 2 days after we met & I met his parents 1 wk later. I knew I was addicted a few wks into the rship & I,ignored warning signs & but was looking, observing his rages, sarcasm veiled in humour, felt anger eminating off him in waves, also his wacky theatrics, dancing in supermarket, boisterous rambunctious antics in public, offbeat jokes, all about him. Your site has helped me a great deal, thanks so much & I going thru stages of grieving, am slowly arriving at acceptance. I need to stop looking at old emails or photos, that takes me back again to feeling upset, feeling addiction again. He was a charmer, charismatic at first & loved to show me off in public, talk & joke, act out in front of strangers at supermarkets & Mcdonalds. I didnt know there were many people like me out there who’d been used by a sociopath or narcisst. I didnt know i was with a sociopath, he had most of the traits, with narcissm, & bit of histrionic, bpd as well. We broke up twice in 6mths, 2 lots of 3mths. I initiated making up, sending a text or f.b msg, otherwise i think he was moving onto another option, I suspected. He had heaps of contacts on paltalk, the christian chatrooms & ran chatrooms for 8 yrs, he thought he was better than everyone & got on his soapbox, preached at me about christianity, right & wrong, but he’d admitted to having lust issues with his ex wives (3) & countless girlfriends afterwards, he prob thought he was casanova? i think, with moral compass hiding under veil of christianity, he didnt practice what he preached, & he called me a hypocrite, but he was that, all along. Sorry for the long text. God bless all & thankyou for this site, its a blessing to all who read here like an oasis in the desert & not an illusion, unlike the Sociopaths are, damaged tortured souls. I had a feeling he was damaged, soon into rship but again I ignored it. I had intuitive dreams of him being not who he claimed to be & i was soaking up his instability, was getting unhinged, I sometimes have empath traits & used to soak up peoples negative vibes, it drained me, I try to ground myself & go outside to reconnect with the earth now. Thanks again 🙂
Thank you for such a wonderful comment dragonfly!! its tough for en empath huh? You know the truth, you see it sense it, feel it, challenge them about it. But they tell lie further protecting the lie, and call you paranoid….. it drains you, makes you ill. In the end the truth comes out and you went through all of that, and were right all along, and were just a part of the sick game that they play…. its good to hear that you are almost at acceptance. Once you are there – you wake up, and there really is no going back…. to accept is to fully recover and move on. Let go – with love 🙂
Although my situation is different, wow….. how similar as well, just broke up and feel a bit lost, lost my job two months ago, working overtime was always an issue for him (controlling and unsupportive), negative, sarcastic but yet it’s always me that he blames for everything. I’m the worst etc. These posts are opening my eyes.
Hey Angel, nice to meet you. Welcome to the site 🙂
Wow, Angel, your ex also sounds like mine, uncanny. Wow thats nice, let go with love, thats what i’m slowly coming to now, in my journey, no contact stage, been 3mths now since i’ve seen him & only 1 conversation on ph, initiated by him, only a few words & he hung up. Its good that we’ve seen thru their lies, criticisms by them, Yes they project what they dont like, onto us. Perhaps when they see us they see their bad selves, because we’re innocent good caring souls & they know that & take advantage. Sociopaths probably attract empaths, sensitive souls as they know they can use us up, but no more! We’re empowered, warriors now, we’re goddesses, well not meaning to be egocentric, but this will help heal us, feel empowered. I head that Oprah did a show about this topic, about getting in touch with our inner goddess, empowerment after being used by non caring, parasitic, controlling, manipulative men. She may not have used the word Sociopath, but i think thats what she meant. Love & light to you all 🙂 xx
A sociopath has an excuse for everything and somehow conns their “supporters” into believing they are innocent angels and doing everything for them. I didnt realize I was with a sociopath until recently – after losing many friends and having to relocate from the terrorizing that ensued upon break up. Everything was my fault, caused by me or something I needed to fix. If I could only not care that he cheated constantly, not care that he lied to my face, not care that he would be a jerk only to me and an “angel” to everyone else – I was insecure – “What happened to my confidence” he said, “until YOU can trust me, we cant have a relationship” he said. After abusing me physically and denying it – turning it around and telling friends and family that I was lying, I slipped and fell and hit my own head. After raping me with a friend of his while I was passed out after a halloween party in his bed and saying “you could have said no, even your friend told me you could have said no” Really? While I am passed out drunk in your bed, I could have said no? After leaving me stranded on the side of the road at 2am in the middle of no where….After stealing money, after cheating numerous times….All of this was My Fault – and all the while I found him a job, helped him get a place to live, got him a new car….did the thinking for him. And then got terrorized in return – it’s been 3 months since I relocated and I am still called everyday. Last week he called 22 times in one day. I dont answer. I have finally realized he is a sociopath but ya know what? I dont pity him or how crappy his life will be. I do however, pity any female he gets with – he’ll probably propose, quickly, like he tried to with me. And oh no, if they have a child together – how sad. I dont know though, he could be gay now too – he did give head to a guy when he was 14 and often makes gay “jokes” and slept in bed with a gay “friend” a month ago or so and let him give him a handy. I’ve read a bunch of stuff lately too and sociopaths really arent too picky when it comes to sexual interaction and after knowing this guy and the nasties he’s been with – yeah, I dont question anything.
I, now, am feeling MUCH better though….it’s weird to realize you’ve been with such a sick person and that they have a disorder. But in counseling, he took everything he “learned” and used it against me. It’s bad and it was very bad – I almost commited suicide at one point! I feel like I can be free from this now though and its like I’ve already been through all the anger, denial, barganing….I am even relieved to know that I am not the only one thats gone through this. I am relieved to know that I am not crazy – HE is! Literally.
I almost want to talk to him though – just to boldly ask if he knows he is a sociopath, if he’s had the realization yet – if he knew it all along.
Do sociopaths feel embarrassed ever I wonder?
I also wonder if studies have gone on long enough to notice what happens when their older older – like 40’s, 50’s 60’s and so on….
I’m sad I wasted so much time on such a low life.
I wish I could name him on here right now or that there was some sight I could publicly list him on as a warning for others.
I hope recovery doesnt take too long – I do know unfortunately though that its going to be quite hard opening to someone again out of fear they might be another. Ugh
Thanks for all your blogs and info!
Hey there! I’ve been following your site for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Houston Texas! Just wanted to tell you keep up the good job!
Hey thank you!!! It is nice to meet you!! 🙂
Hello all and my condolences for all of your pain.
I, too am at the angry phase and in an absolute rush to move on to the next phase because my anger draws me into the vicious cycle with this man whom I should have run from 3 years ago. I have never experienced anything like this and I’m obsessed with trying to understand it and especially how I could
have fallen for it.
Hi Cathy, know that you have to go through the 5 stages of grief, but you can come out the other side. Anger is good, it gets a lot out of your system. Try to (if you have the time) to get it out, write – and then later when you are at other stages (say depression) you can look at your inner thoughts and how you are really feeling, how much this has hurt you. Don’t blame yourself how you could have fallen for it, it not that you are stupid, just that they are better at hiding than you are at looking for their deception.
Thank you positivagirl for your advice and words of wisdom. That was the first time I have ever posted anything online and was drawn to the other stories how similar my experience has been and the feelings that I’m left with. It has been hard to find anyone that is able to truly understand what I have been through and it comforts me to know that there are others who do.
I managed to find closure because i investigated and found answers to many questions I have had about him but my self esteem is shattered for the first time in my life and this is because I’m truly disappointed in myself for overlooking those red flags. Looking back I find that there were very many of them and may opportunities to walk away in which I did not. Overall I take comfort in not allowing the relationship to go as far as it could have because my instincts just did not allow me to and I especially am grateful that my spirit was beautiful enough to only truly be able to view an individual’s beautiful quallites. Perhaps we can only be fooled because our spirits are pure…many blessings to all of those pure spirits out there. May these negative experiences never change that…that is how we win. Love and light to all!!!!
I’m not here to offend or insult anyone, but hope to shed some light on a few issues. I’m not overly fond of the use of the term sociopath and their is a weird tendency for women to call men that, when they feel abused, which is far from true in most cased. The other thing is, there is a huge clinical difference for example, of a guy who drinks alot all the time and an alcoholic. The same thing goes with a sociopath even though the term is no clinical term.
So why does it bother me? Perhaps because I’ve been in a relationship with a women for 15 years which ended 1-2 years ago. This offcourse had a devestating effect on my life and my physical and mental health declined to rock bottom. the 5 stages are really spot on, perhaps more in a cyclical sense. During this time i suffered alot and my doctor and other professionals helped me alot, in a coaching sense, through the mess. So why is this important?
The thing is, this has left me emotionally depraved for a long time now. During this time I showed clear signs of sociopatic “like” behaviour which is common in people suffering PTS or PTSD as well and I treated a girl i meet really poorly as an effect without really understanding why.
So I just wanted to add some sort of scaling to the debate, that calling someone a sociopath is a defence mechanism as well as an explanation, but it is just like denial. The term sociopath is not a clinical diagnosis, just like empath is not, they just oppose eachother on many different aspects. Both seem equally “weird” from the opposite perspective.
Conclusion: Using the correct language is really what I’m saying. It could be like: Egocentric, manipulating and ignorant to the devastating effect it had on the persons surroundings instead of a BOX – Sociopath resides here “doomed for life”.
I think the first step towards accepting the human condition, the way we humans truly are, is not by labeling someone anything, but by accepting that some people are different. Empaths and sociapaths suffer the same here, they both lack the ability to control their innate nature?
Sorry for the wall of text.
Hi Christian,
Thank you for your comment. There is a correlation between PTSD and Sociopathy. But there are also a lot of differences too. The similarities that I see are:
– Lack of long term planning (people with severe ptsd have a shortened sense of the future)
– Lack of empathy and inability to emotionally connect with others
– Focus on self (both are wrapped up in their own world)
– PTSD has triggers which can cause rages – Sociopathy has narcissistic rages
This is where the similarities end.
The sociopath is
– Manipulative and deceptive
– Has a mask of deception – is charismatic and charming
– Pathological liar
– Uses others to acheive their own agenda, having no care, guilt remorse or shame for their actions
– Sees life as a game, and others as players in the game
Both can create carnage, both can work against themselves. Both can hurt others. But the actions of the sociopath – and their ‘intent’ are very different to PTSD.
People with PTSD don’t set out to deliberately hurt or harm people. They do, because of what they are suffering, which isn’t their fault. People with PTSD CAN learn from previous events, but triggers can cause them to repeat behaviour. Sociopaths can’t learn from past mistakes, they repeat the same pattern of behaviour over and over.
People with PTSD can repeat patterns related to responses to psychological triggers. This is an auto response without thinking – Sociopaths plan and scheme and know exactly what are they doing.
Someone who has PTSD (especially in severe chronic) is very vulnerable, a sociopath not so much so.
I do absolutely understand this point of view, as I actually had Severe Chronic PTSD when I met the sociopaths in my life. This isn’t about labelling someone, it is about the truth, that the behaviour was sociopathic.
I had severe chronic PTSD. I definitely didn’t become a sociopath – although I could understand it perhaps better than most without that condition. As in some senses I could relate to the disordered brain (as mine was at the time). You do raise valid points, I can assure you that these are thoughts that I have had myself. My experience was when I was suffering with severe chronic PTSD and observing the correlation in behaviour patterns. As you can see from other comments on this site, this isn’t just meeting a ‘bad person’ it is about repeated patterns of behaviour, that almost all victims can identify with.
As for treatment, currently there is no known cure for Sociopathy, there is treatment for PTSD, and with the right therapy there is a high chance of someone making a full recovery. There isn’t (currently) this available for sociopaths. Unfortunately.
–
Thanks for the quick reply. I knew it was hard to make my point and still leave the field open for debate. Four points to add:
I sincerly do not like labels of any kind, they always muddy the waters. I’m not happy with labels in the first place and it is almost impossible to determine if a person has ASPD at all since it is no clinical term. Also, it serves no purpose to label people unless you are afraid to admit that it is part of human nature and therefore there has to be “something wrong” with the person, he/she is “not normal”. This was the denial part I talked about.
Since the sociopath label is not a clinical term. Sociopathy is just a term to describe someone who is outside the norm in certain ways and again as they are not in control or their nature and did not choose to be like this it makes it very wrong to cast blaim on them too.
Casting blaim and labelling is a defence mechanism as well and I am personally done with it because it caused too much bias in the long run. Eventually you will subconsciously start looking for things that fits the box / label / stereotype and overcome grief it is very important not to be in any kind of denial.
I seek to keep a open-minded way of thinking and labels tend to make that very hard.
And I will repeat that nothing i wrote was meant to insult or offend anyone and especially not people who is affected by grief.
I have PTSD from dealing with a dug addicted non human sociopath
You have my empathy David, drug addicts do display a lot of the same character traits as sociopaths. Not all of them are, it is the drugs. The drugs make them selfish, liars, self obsessed. I haven’t dated a drug addict (Have dated an alcoholic), but I did work with them in a professional capacity for decades, so I know their patterning. This is what confused me so much in the very beginning, as he seemed to very normal, but his patterning was identical to drug addicts that I had worked with. I understand PTSD I spent years of my life recovering from it, i think…. I am pretty much the other side. PTSD can be a horrible debilitating illness to cope with.
It is just so hard and i feel i need to talk to someone. My friends are SICk of hearing the same story over and over and honestly, i cannot blame them. I met this guy who, on paper, was perfect for me. We were introduced through a mutual friend. I can’t explain why, but the first time i met him, my gut feeling said “no” but i ignored it. He was charming -ish, and felt like we were the exact same person.
A month later, he came to visit me in the UK and stayed at my place. Very quickly i started noticing how moody he was, extremely selfish -ihad to pay for everything- very very full of himself and yet blaming the whole world on his failures. He would throw tantrums all day long, nothing was good enough for him. After a week, he went back home and the tone changed; he asked me to wait 5 years to get married ( while i never wanted to marry him) as he wanted to become a millionaire before marrying me. He asked me if i could introduce him to some wealthy older women that he could seduce and abuse financially… That was supposed to be a “joke” but i knew deep down that he was dead serious. Anyway, i told him we needed to end our relationship, that maybe we could be friends. He was awful with me, would brush me off and be bitter, putting me down all the time. 3 months later, he came back to the UK for a 3 day trip and begged me to see him. I saw him on his last night for dinner- honestly i just wanted to see him PAY for the meal as he never paid for anything before. In the space if 2 hours he told me hiw i was everything for him, how he could not stand me, howhe wanted to build a relationship with me, how i would end up alone, how he was resenting me blablabla….a nut case!!! After trying to kiss me 50 times, he asked me to soend the night with him, which obviously i declined. The next day from the airport he texted me an “i love you”….. My question is, why oh why can’t i let go???? After everything he’s done and said to me, i still have dinner with him????? Am i absolutely insane???? I just want to erase himfrom mymemory,pretend he never existed… Anyone can relate? Thanks for reading. Emma
Hi Gemma, yes I can relate absolutely to your story. Sometimes it can take a while for the heart to catch up with what your head already knows.
So don’t be too hard on yourself. Have you ever quit smoking? It is like that. Sociopaths create addiction, so you have to treat your recovery like an addiction. Do not contact him, block him, and put all of your energy into you. Take it one day at a time, and if he pops into your head do something to take him out of your head. Read as much as you can, and talk to others who have been through the same thing and understand. You might need to repeat the same thing over, this is your brain processing what has happened to you.
You can repeat as much as you like here. Welcome to the site!! 🙂
Mine used to joke that…he could put on some expensive clothes and fancy cologne, then go to the bar and within an hour, have wealthy woman hitting on him.
Ugh….. well that is not because he is HOT….. only because he is expert at mirroring people, feeding their comfort zone and making them feel good. We all know that is fake. Just the words ‘wealthy women’ should tell you a lot about what he is about – MONEY.
5 weeks ago, I went through an intense and sudden break up with a man whom I was seeing for 3 months (yes, I’m ashamed to admit it was an affair, which I have never engaged in before and NEVER will again).
For 3 wonderful months we saw each other once a week and talked/texted/emailed daily. It was extremely intense and he was immediately quite effusive. Yes, I ignored all sorts of red flags because I was in a very emotionally vulnerable state and was lonely. In the end, it only took 1 minor disagreement for his mask to fall off. I knew he had some emotional/psych issues and was in therapy for PTSD. But it turns out what he really has is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Within 3 days of the minor disagreement, he flew into a Narcissistic Rage – screaming at me with his face mere inches from mine, and when he calmed down, he warned me he might do and say things to harm me. That was ENOUGH for me. I pulled away and asked for a 2 week time out, which he did not respect. He emailed and revealed some lies which were devastating on just the 2nd day of that time out. Then everything went from bad to worse to horrible in short order.
In spite of that, it was excruciating to witness this Narcissist nearly immediately reject me, even though logically it was for the best. Emotionally it was as if my insides had been ripped out when he told me he is over me and I am dead to him. Being a true Narcissist, it really was over in short order for him. He stuffed the pain and has moved on. Meanwhile, my suffering has lingered.
The grieving process has been extraordinarily painful and I was initially incredibly confused as to what had even happened. Now I am growing weary of it being on my mind. I regularly see both a Therapist and Psychiatrist. I am working through the cause of my behavior, his pathos, and the stages of grief. I am just now finally beginning to crawl out of the depression and am reclaiming my life and activities. The knots in my belly are untying, and I’m getting a little more sleep now and am engaging more socially.
For me, it’s important to realize that these horribly painful experiences can also be very cathartic and can offer opportunities to learn valuable life lessons. It’s miserable to work through, but I am nearly at the end of this tunnel and am much more appreciative of my many good fortunes in life.
I’m hoping to gain wisdom and maturity from this. I keep reminding myself that this will pass and life will go on, and it will be good.
Damn all the stages there should be a button we could press or a magical contract that when a relationship is over we don’t feel like complete hopeless morons . I am stuck in a disgusting denial roller coaster and every time it turns me upside down depression sneaks in . I was with him for 3 years . we could of worked it out ….. I always worked with crazy addictions why was it when I screwed up once that I get the boot .I can’t help but feel I was his convenience . I was the girl that he could screw up around a million times and she will gladly be okay with it because she could fix it. I hate just thinking that I put effort into a relationship that wouldn’t do it for me . okay maybe you can add anger to that roller coaster ride …… I need a hug ……
Hey Erika, I am sending you a hug. If it makes you feel better, me too I also feel sad today. I also worked with addictions. I worked with homeless people.
You sound just like me with the thinking I could fix it after all I did every day when I was working right??
With the sociopath they keep repeating behaviour lying to deceive you. Always they have a motive. They don’t see that there Is anything wrong with them. They fake they do to mirror you. But really they don’t.
That magic wand would be good huh?
Aw Erika, Sending you a HUGE HUG!!!!
I understand this feeling. I too had worked with homeless most of my working life, so I knew very well about working with people with addictions, addiction recovery etc. I too thought that I could fix everyone. I thought this too…. And giving up…. was never an option. Surely there was nothing that I couldn’t fix?
Reminds me of this song. It was played at my cousins funeral, he died of drugs…. it broke my heart I couldn’t fix him, but could help to fix other people. Why? ….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc sending you a huge huge huge hug… you cannot fix anyone else, you can only fix YOU. You cannot change anyone else, you can only change you!!
That is a sad reality that I never wanted to learn.
here’s a hug or two. I too feel like an idiot, but I went one step further. After I found out what he was, I pretended that I didn’t know. I was trying to figure out a way…not to come out a loser. Alas, I finally had to give up on that. In the end, I didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore.
Yes I know what you mean. This is how I felt too, I just didn’t have the energy for the games anymore. It was too exhausting.
I have been with a sociopath for 7 years and had three kids by him and one on the way as we speak. He left me for his drug dealing gf. And swears his life is perfect but he stills misses me and the kids. I go through a roller coaster with the steps. But haven’t got to actually just realize its better for me to ignore him. I don’t like to keep him away from his children but he only contact me when he heard something about me but don’t never come see or worry about his kids I’m so lost. I swear I feel like he came back after I accepted him cheating the first time and he was so worried about his karma coming back for him to get me pregnant so I can’t move on and find somebody better for him to just leave me. Such a sad story
I finally bite the bullet and broke off with my sociopath. It’s been three months. At first, I felt relief. I was finally free of the emotional burden he placed me under. I’ve been doing a good job at keeping busy and attend weekly group meetings for anxiety. I didn’t think I was depressed…until one of the other group members called me out on it. Now, the past few days, I am feeling very sad and defeated. I closed my blinds…don’t want to deal with people after work and go to sleep early. I don’t even care that I’m alone. I’ve never allowed myself to be depressed and feel like I am close to losing the fight. Part of the problem is that I never allowed myself to feel anger. Even the book I wrote doesn’t convey the outrage I should have felt. Maybe I need to get mad…To vent and scream, but is that healthy?
Hey Florence, Do you know what is happening here? You did the right thing by ending the relationship, and by trying to be strong and rebuild your life. You started to go to groups for anxiety, when someone challenged you there, this affected your ‘comfort zone’ which makes it feel unsafe. When this happens, it is natural and normal to feel the way that you feel. I would have felt that way too. For me, the last time I got out, I started to write this blog. It was my ‘safe zone’ it was where I felt safe. When I was attacked by some people – I was devastated, I felt the same way as you. But don’t do what I did, as I returned to him, as in my mind, he didn’t do anything overtly to me, that I could see, and he cared about me. You sound like you have a lot to work through an heal. Maybe, right now, group therapy is not the best for you, and perhaps 1-1 therapy would would better for you? The one thing that you need, is to feel ‘safe’. With regard to not being angry, maybe this is you trying to be strong, and you feel that if you cry or break down, then you might not get back up? What other support do you have in your life, apart from the anxiety support group?