Category Archives: accepting reality

Accepting reality after dating a sociopath!

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You might need to go around the wheel, and the cycle of abuse many times before you come to terms with the fact that the sociopath was only playing a game. How long that game continues, really depends on you.

It doesn’t make any difference to the sociopath. If they weren’t playing games with you, they would be with somebody else. Often they play the game with multiple players (isolating each from the other so that their deception is not dectected). Nothing is as it seems with the sociopath. The sociopath works hard to present a false persona to you. Whilst hiding the tacticle manoveours of the game and keeping this to him/herself. The sociopath takes great joy and pleasure at deceiving you/. Each move is pre-meditated and calculated.

When things feel good. When the sociopath is being nice, kind and caring, you might doubt your own mind, telling yourself, that perhaps you have it wrong? (see the post confusion of kindness). However, it is the same person that is always there behind the mask. The sociopath is devious and manipulative.  Remember that the sociopath plays the mirror image of you, of your own wants and needs. The sociopath mirrors you, and reflects this mirror image back to you, twisting the reality to their own manipulative advantage.

Grooming

The sociopath is a master at grooming others. If you watch BBC Iplayer Eastenders on 1st November 2013 http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b03g8vwv/EastEnders_01_11_2013/ you will see the character of Michael, who is playing the part of a psychopath. I thought that this was interesting as it is typical behaviour of psycho’s and just how far they will go.

Sociopaths groom their victims. Many victims struggle to move on after the relationship, as they rememember a person who was

  • Their best friend
  • The only person who understood them
  • Kind and caring
  • Helpful

It might appear that the narcissistic rage of the sociopath is only temporary. That usually things were good. You felt good in their company they made you feel good about you, and ‘special’.

Isolation

Sociopaths isolate their victims. They do this, systematically. Cleverly removing every body who is in the victims life for support. The victim will not be aware that this is happening. The sociopath is clever to hide their tracks. In fact the victim will only notice later into the relationship (or even at the end) that there is a significantly less people in their life than there were when they went  into the relationship.

I have written previously how the sociopath manages to isolate the victim from support, so i won’t write in depth about it in this post. The sociopath manages to make the victim feel like the only person that they want to spend their time with is the sociopath. It is this sense of isolation that makes it very difficult for the victim to leave. Afterall, where would you go? What life do you have left to go to? (likely the sociopath if he/she isn’t happy for you to leave, will threaten to ruin what is left of your life.

As the relationship with the sociopath continues, you might start to wake up to the reality that has became your life. Slowly the sociopath had groomed you. Had cultivated dependency, had made you feel special to ensure that you are captured, and ‘owned’ so that now you belong to them, and only them.

It might be a special feeling, but the price is your freedom and your life. Also even your own thinking process. You are manipulated to believe that this is special. That this is good. If others try to warn you, you are told that they are trying to split you up, or they are jealous. You are told false stories about others to turn you against them.

Cold turkey and the harsh reality of No Contact!  

It is very easy to write the words, establish no contact, and focus on you. However if you have been in a very abusive controlling relationship with a sociopath, after the initial isolation techniques, and then the subesequent ruining and smear campaigns. The reality of your world, can feel empty, isolated, desolate and baron. Enforcing no contact and sticking to it, will give you an opportunity to gather your thoughts to think for yourself. Space and peace to heal.

However, if you have been abused for a considerable length of time, the silence of No Contact, can feel overwhelmingly painful. The best advice to get through it, is to see it as an addiction. If you had faced significant losses in your life, this means that once you were wonderful and managed to build a lot. You can do this again. You can rebuild your life, afterall, hadn’t you managed to do this before? You have more chance of rebuilding without the sociopath in your life, than you do when they are in your life.

Yes, it might feel lonely rebuilding that house. But, which option would you prefer?

  • To live in a house of illusion, manipulation, control and abuse
  • To continually try to rebuild your house – only for your abuser to return and smash the house down again?
  • To rebuild your house – on your own, but to know you can build this house as you want. it wont be your prison, you can have flowers in the garden. Build it just as you want, paint the walls whatever colour you want, and invite people into your house

Which option would you choose? As it is only the last option that is the one that is acheived by sticking to No Contact. No matter how kind, caring, helpful the sociopath appears to be, they always have their own interests at heart. You can be sure, that the sociopath will happily rip down your shiny new house, and put bars on the window to create a prison….. without you realising it.

Reality

This is the hardest part, when splitting with a sociopath. When you decide to go off and to rebuild your world. You might be stuck with the harsh reality of starkness, a baron empty world. Reality might be a harsh place.

You might look back at the time when you were with the sociopath, your mind might be clouded, after all the sociopath was the master of illusion.

Remember that with the sociopath, nothing was as it seems. Nothing was real. It was only the reality that the sociopath allowed you to see. It is a false reality. This is why victims go into the fog of confusion after the relationship. The one thing you want to prove is that they are NOT a sociopath. However, the more that you read, (if your partner was/is a sociopath), the more you realise that you cannot deny the truth that is staring you in the face.

Breaking No Contact

There are many people who write here, almost ashamed sometimes to admit that they broke No Contact, and returned to their abuser. Everybody is different. Sometimes people need to see the truth for themselves. Sometimes the truth is hard to accept and to believe. However, when you return to the sociopath, after reading about sociopathic behaviour, you will be in no doubt what the truth is. The sociopath has to control. Not just some things, they are in control of everything. You will know the truth and strive to leave.

Finding reality

You might not like your world that you go into after being with a sociopath. After the constant contact from the sociopath, and the deliberate addiction and dependency that they create, it might feel hard, cold and lonely.

However, what IS important…. is that this is YOUR reality. This is a reality that you have control over. This is a reality where you can grow flowers in the garden. This is a reality that you can start to TRUST…. when you start to trust your reality, you can start to trust you!

Give yourself a chance…. if reality is hurting you right now, use this as an inspiration for change. Use this to inspire you to build a new world, and have the confidence that nobody can alter that reality – unless you allow them to!

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