A guide for healing and recovery
When the truth comes to light of the crazy life that you have been living with a sociopath, when the lying, cheating, betrayal, deception comes out, you are left feeling massively confused and so very hurt, it is the ultimate betrayal.
The person that you loved, that you shared everything with has used you, for what they could get. No doubt at the end, there will be endless:
- Strives for contact – abusive emails and abusive texts
- Attempts at personal contact
- Lies told about you and smear campaigns against you
- Hacks into your privacy like emails and social networking sites
Your head is already reeling from everything that you have been through. Additionally, there is now intense ‘punishment‘ for establishing no contact. For ignoring them, and trying to get on with your life.
This isn’t easy. This is no normal break up. This time you are breaking up with someone who has lied to you, betrayed, and used you. You may be in debt, you might have lost your job, or even lost your home. You have probably isolated yourself from people who were close to you, or maybe they gave up and walked away.
Picking up the pieces of your life when this has happened, can be difficult. You would think, by the behaviour of the sociopath, that they would be glad to get rid of you? After all, they have treated you so badly. The point is, that they treat you this way because they can. So why will they now not go away?
When you have been controlled, manipulated, and abused in this way for a considerable time, when what you thought was real, actually isn’t real. Nothing you thought was true, actually was. When you were used as supply simply for someone else’s entertainment, you can be left in a fog and feeling massively confused.
Because of this, you need a plan to recover. You have been so used to being controlled, that spending time on you, and your recovery, is the best investment that you can do right now.
- Establish No Contact and stick to it
- Focus on you
- Try to catch up with old friends that you were isolated from
- Remove everything related to your ex, put them in a box, and put them away, photos, keepsakes, letters, cards. Anything at all. Put it away out of sight.
- Stay away from things that remind you of your ex, do not sit moping, listening to music that reminds you of him, or anything else, sat in memory of him. Get up, get out, and do something.
- Take one day at a time
- Read as much as you can, and reach out to others who have been/are going through same thing
- Try to do one thing every day that will make you smile. Put a post it note up to remind you
- Stick with the present, today, don’t let your mind wander back to what has happened, focus on right now, it is all that you have control over
- Do NOT contact your ex, or respond to empty promises from him – block him
- Write a list of EVERYTHING you have in your life that you are grateful for
- Write a list of all the reasons that you are better off without him
- Write a list of what you want to attract into your life – focus (it could be anything)
- Keep a diary so that you can track your recovery. Writing is therapeutic
- Make sure that you eat properly, and get enough sleep
- Treat yourself, and love yourself, like you would a best friend who is low, down and needs support
- Try not to focus on the past. Stay with the present. Do not focus on being a victim. Focus on being a survivor, and how you can use this experience to your benefit. Look FORWARDS not BACKWARDS
- Do NOT be afraid of being alone, learn to value your own company, for now. Focus on healing and loving yourself.
Take it one day at a time, and try not to panic (if you have lost your job, your home, friends, your finances, or all of this) DON’T panic!
Find someone you can trust. If you cannot trust anyone because of what has happened. Then go easy on yourself and treat yourself like your own best friend!!! – even this is therapeutic
You WILL recover from this. It is important not to throw yourself into another relationship before you are healed, as you risk meeting another one. Focus on you. And most importantly, learn to love you. Focus all of your love on you, because you are special. You are worth it, and YOU deserve YOUR time!!
If you are reading this, and you have recovered, is there anything else that you can think of which is good for recovery? Please add your comments, anon comments are welcome!! 🙂
Words © datingasociopath.com
Dating a Sociopath 
I really liked all of the points that were made here. I’m on vacation and tomorrow I’m going to start on the lists of “Why I’m Better Off Without Him” and “Everything That In My Life That I Am Grateful For” Thanks for the tips!
~DIVA~
You are welcome DIVA 🙂 thanks for visiting my blog.
I think tomorrow I am going to do some humour and write a post ‘the ridiculous things that they say and do’ I don’t know if yours was a sociopath as I don’t know your story. If he was, then he probably would have told the most outrageous lies…. had massive ego, saying sometimes the most ridiculous things.
I finnally got rid of My boyfriend,he was always putting me down…saying he meet Ed Sellvion and John Lennon gave him his sun glasses sais his home was bumbed and that he burned his ex girlfriends belongings and said he bult skyscarpers in the 80s and 90s,when i would ask if ti was true he would call me fowel name’s and call me a liar……Im done with him…NOW IM HAPPY?
I went thrugh the same thing,he was alway putting me down and calling me a lier and other name’s….I finnaly blocked him off my life changed my email and blocked his phone…I feel so much better now and life is great now..im happy!
Nearly two days after leaving him and I am, suprisingly, coping well with the no contact rule. I struggle a little as we shared a mutual friend but I trust this friend not to update my ex on my well being. It can still be awkward knowing they must talk to each other.
My food, sleep routine and general self-care is a total disaster so thanks for reminding me of the basic things to focus on. I will start a notebook soon and do some of those exercises you suggested but, right now, if I have to do anything that involves thinking of him or our relationship I might just crack up.
Hey littleninjabunny,
Well done you for going No Contact!!! 🙂 It can be hard going in the beginning, but you will find that it will force you to focus on you. And not on his needs. And that will empower you.
It can be difficult to make sure that you eat and sleep properly. And this can make you feel run down, and not as strong as you need to be.
I always found writing is good therapy, it gets it out and is a good release. Have you ever quit smoking? As it is just like that, in the beginning the desire to smoke is overwhelming….. and then as time goes on it gets better. It gets easier. I remember quitting smoking, and when I did, it freed up so much time. I think also people who are bad for us, can become addictions that we need to quit. Get rid of the addiction and you are free…. its like going cold turkey.
Don’t look back, keep going…… thank you for your feedback, come back and let me know how you are going!! 🙂
I wrote a poem about our relationship and posted it on Facebook. For me, that was very therapeutic and releasing. This was done after I found myself in a good place and he contacted me.
Being a psych major, I can easily identify a sociopath when things are discussed on the news, court cases, and other’s descriptions of scenario but missed it, totally, during my involvement. I didn’t even think to look into the chances of him being a sociopath until someone mentioned it today when talking about my poem.
I’m grateful it was only three months for me, and that he is someone else’s problem, now!
Halleluyah! Praise God!
I would add that it’s important to purge your life of items that may carry negative energy or reminders and could possibly trigger you. One good example are images. If you can’t delete them or rip them up and toss them right away, hide them from view. I hated the idea of deleting part of my history, my life, but for my spiritual health, I finally did after about 18 months. I recently raided my closet and found coats, shirts, pants, purses – things he bought me – and journeyed over to a consignment shop to get some much-needed cash for all the trouble. Hehe! Most importantly, try to keep a sense of humor about yourself. What we experienced was VERY serious, but we need to remember that sometimes too much seriousness can keep us in an angry place (at least that’s what happened to me). As soon as I was able to laugh at myself, I was able to let go of much of the pain. Great post!!! 🙂
Ah thanks Paula, great comments!!! And how funny you wrote that, just as I posted ‘the funniest things that sociopaths do’…. as I was just lightening the mood to talk about humour, as indeed some things are so ridiculous they are funny.
I completely agree. I burned all cards and letters, gave to Goodwill all gifts and sent the ring off to be sold. It felt fantastic to have all reminders out of my space. You will be tempted to hang onto that stuff as some kind of reminder that you are loveable or that his love was real, but you know deep inside it was not. Burn, baby, burn!!!
I am so grateful I found your blog. I’ve just gotten out of a relationship with a sociopath and it was hell…
Hello!!! And welcome to my blog. I hope that what I write here does offer some help and assistance. There is nothing that will initially take away the pain. You would never get answers from the sociopath. As there is no way to make sense of the nonsensical.
The only way is through understanding and knowledge, and knowing that you are not alone. It is not you, it is the way that they are. I am sorry to hear that you have been through this too. I hope that my blog can help you in some way, to make sense of what is crazy!! 🙂 Welcome!
I started reading your blog 2-3 weeks ago and I am HOOKED… It’s such a relief having this site to go to. On March 23rd, it will be a MONTH from when I left the miserable, mean, pathetic, lying, hostile man. I was with him a year. I have established NO CONTACT and besides a couple of horrible texts that came through two weeks ago (before I blocked them), he has been quiet. He is on to his next great love affair (poor lady) so I don’t expect to hear much…
I think a “tell us your story” area would be therapeutic so we can all tell our stories and read others’. Just an idea 🙂
Thank you for the wonderful site!
Hi thank you for very kind comments, and what a wonderful idea. I can put a tell us your story would be a good idea. I can set this up.
I am sorry to hear that you have been through this, and it is so recent for you have dated a sociopath too.
I hope that you recognise the person that you were with in this site. That is why i am writing it, so that whoever does read it, knows that it isn’t just you. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with YOU, it is them….. Thank you for your kind comments and for visiting my site, it really does mean a lot!! 🙂 It is nice to have you here. 🙂
I am just out of a relationship with a man who I “think” is a sociopath. After almost 4 years, I think that maybe I’m the one whose crazy. When I met him, I had a good career and was doing well. I met him online and I talked to him for a while and then for about 5 months I didn’t hear from him. He just started calling back all of a sudden, saying that his secretary wasn’t giving him my messages. After I sent a picture, he swept in. We talked for about 4 months straight and the chemistry was unreal, the sex was ridiculously amazing, and he was proclaiming love within 2 days of intimacy. He said he had lost a lot of deals during the crash of 2008, that he was divorced, and that he was worth several million dollars. I never asked him for that information, and I had my own money, but I told him that I always wanted more children ( I have one) and a family. He called me all day when I was at work and made all kinds of promises. I was totally in. Then, I got fired. I’ve never been fired in my life. He told me not to worry. Six months later, he proposed and we started looking for homes where I live. I must have looked at 50 houses, with him even coming down to look with me. He said we would get married in a faraway romantic country. When it came time to get married, he came down here with all of my family here and backed out two days before. I was humiliated. It was then my family turned on him, but I stuck by him in spite of them. Well, he then decided that I should move there with my child. That never happened. It took over three years to meet his kids, It’s just so much that was promised. He would help me out, but I also helped him with a lot of his business issues, and I mean A LOT. I stopped looking for a job where I live and focused for 3 years on getting next to him. Then, about 6 months ago, after I met his kids, he started getting distant. He was asleep every night at about 8 so he would call me back at midnight saying he went to sleep. He started stalling helping me with bills. I told him that I just couldn’t take all the broken promises anymore, the fact that he wasn’t divorced when we met, that he is deep in debt, that he was older than what he said, that I probably lost my job because of him, and now I have nothing. I have spent years believing everything he told me. When I pointed these things out, he accused me of finding a man with more money, pulling up a statement I made about doing anything to take care of my daughter, like I was a hooker. That’s the last I heard from him, even though I got a couple of blocked numbers. If I didn’t know any better, I would think that he was cutting me off after getting me dependent on him and after I had helped him get out of a series of huge holes. I think that he did to me what he did to a woman before me-cultivated a new relationship while destroying an old relationship that he had drained. I have nothing now. No job, no money, in debt, and completely lost. I had to call the suicide hotline. Any help would be appreciated here.
Wow Birdie!!! I am going to add your story to tell your story. Yes, if he isn’t a sociopath then neither is my ex. he sounds identical in following exactly the same pattern. My ex would also accuse me of having another man when he had another woman. Calling me all the names under the sun, which had no bearing on reality. Your story is so similar to mine….. apart from yours sounded more successful than mine, mine saw me as his career option. Isn’t it amazing how they can waste so much of your time (I wrote an article called sociopaths and stalling for time)…. Just wasting your time with lies more lies, and no reason for it at all. Just because they can. Keep going, focus on healing and recovery. Yes I think he is a charismatic sociopath. I know how that feels when everyone else shuns him and you stick by him and he throws that back in your face. Honestly this is no reflection on you at all, it is him, and it is in his brain, the wiring in his brain is different. Read all that you can. I write about the same type of sociopath, so you should be able to relate a lot of it was written when he was still in my life….
Forget that Jerk,you don’t need that kind of Soisapath jerk…remember life go’s on without these kinds of slezy no good jerks,i went thrugh the same thing for 15 months and I dumped the jerk….Beleave me you can do better then him in everyway possable,your a good person and life can be better without them……YOU CAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT THEM…..GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE..HANG IN THERE??????
This is true…. good things do happen to good people. You just have to believe in yourself.
I will tell you this. As this is true. I am now really so glad that my life was burned to the floor as I can now rebuild with better things. Better people. I am so much happier than I was before it all happened. I am happy within me.
You Sure Are..And Life can Be Very Good,I feel much better now..My ex was always putting me down calling a lier and a dump and cant spill right and laughing about it and other things he wouls say,like do you love me and am i good looking,HE WAS FULL OF HIMSHELF AND I FOUND OUT ON FB HE WAS MAKING SEXURAL ADVANCED WITH WOMEN,SOME TOLD ME AND THEY BLOCKED HIM AND WARNED OTHER WOMEN ABOUT HIM,,,THESE KINDS OF MEN WILL GO DOWN AND OUT INTO HELL…
Same here, it’s been two months, and I feel relived, everyday I’m getting stronger, loads of blocked calls, texts. I done 8 years of hell!!!!!
What a great blog! I really needed to read all of this. I dated a sociopath for a few years on/off, in between his phases of dating other women, etc. When we broke up, I was a wreck. I realized I had nothing of my own in my life and didn’t know how to make any decisions for myself and I just didn’t want to live anymore. That didn’t work out (THANK GOD) and I’m still here. This was about 3 years ago and I can tell you it is SO hard to get past one of these relationships. He was in prison for 2 years and I spent a good chunk of that time believing we still had “something” even though he was doing the same thing with me and others while he was in there. Last April, I blocked him completely, but when he got released he started contacting me again. In January, I ran into him drunk at a bar and it ruined all my hard work. I should add I got into another relationship in March of 2012, 2 years after “ending” things. It’s been such an ongoing thing, but my biggest advice to you all is this-even though you think it’s been so long you’re over him and think it’s okay to talk to him as a friend because of course, you care about the guy. DON’T DO IT. Gateway back to the old ways. I’m dealing with it again now after realizing that even though I’m in a great healthy relationship, I still crave his attention. I’m starting this process over again as of right now. And since I’ve dealt with the worst of it before, I think I can handle it this time. I don’t want to go my whole life talking to him and sabotaging relationships for him.
Thanks for your comment Amanda, They seem to be someone that you can be a friend with, having this almost hypnotic way of luring you in. You think ‘friends’ but they always have an agenda,They always want something from you. Being with a sociopath can really rinse your mind, and brain wash you. They are so good at it. I think you are right to go No Contact, especially if you are in a good relationship…… BUT….. I could foresee that if he knew about that, he would (at his loss of control) try to ruin that for you… his attention is nothing more than ownership, luring you in. No doubt he would have assessed you by what you said, then lured you in with seduction – you know, after that always comes gaming and then the ruining!!
Exactly! We hung out not long ago because like every girl in these relationships, I still wanted closure. Shocker, he won’t give that. But when we saw each other, he wanted to work things out and he still loved me more than anyone because of this “connection” which I obviously realized as fake. And then when I stopped talking to him, I got the “I’m glad you’re happy” emails. As my therapist told me, he’ll put on any mask to keep me around. They all will and they interchange them so well. Thanks again for giving people with these experiences a platform to talk and learn!
Read this one too Amanda!https://datingasociopath.com/2013/04/04/sociopath-and-crazy-making-behaviour/
I am glad that you saw through the ‘we have such a connection’ bullshit… as they love to use this one. I remember my last ex talked of marriage – truth was he had asked everyone he had met to marry him 🙂
You never get closure from the sociopath (ah that inspires me to write today’s post, thank you)…..
Only alarm bell that is ringing now, is – does he know about your new boyfriend and that he makes you happy? …. Does he have ANYTHING that he can use against you (text, email etc)….. as just going no contact could cause a nightmare. As he WOULD contact your new boyfriend, using a thread of truth (by what you have told him) mixed in with lies to humiliate you and cause trouble.
If he is on your social networking sites…. I would imagine he has already got details of who he is, and how to contact him…. (saving his page etc) jeeze a sociopath can have loads of different Facebook pages…. putting him off you, and making him believe it is all his idea, might be safer for you, or he could potentially damage the new relationship that you are in (or he will try)….
That’s such a good point. Thank you! Yes, my ex not only knows I’m happy in my relation but he also knows who my boyfriend is
They met probably 10 years ago because my ex was dating a friend of my current boyfriends. To even further complicate that, they were both teens and the girl my ex was dating died in an accident so the ex used her as his traumatic reason for why he had issues in the relationship. From what my current boyfriend has said, he was the same to her even then 😦 But I did talk to my current boyfriend (who has an extreme dislike for my ex because of me and the other girl) and I warned him of all that you brought up. There’s definitely emails that could incriminate me, but current bf knows and I told my ex after we hung out that I had also told my bf. My boyfriend said he wouldn’t believe the ex over me. Lets just hope that’s true. My ex seems very disinterested which may just be a game. Or it may be that he realized I’m not vulnerable and easy for him to control now so he moved on. Lets hope for the latter!!
I would tell your current boyfriend everything. Warn how the sociopath will mix the truth with outrageous lies (using the thread of truth as evidence). How they talk a million miles an hour to lure you in. That they nearly always do assessment, seducing, gaming and ruining…..ruining always comes when they feel they are losing control. I hope that he leaves you alone.
If he doesn’t just do the same back to him, threaten his relationship with a thread of truth, mirror back to him. Hopefully it won’t come to that. Make sure you block him from all ways to contact your partner…. its horrible that you have to go to those lengths for someone you were simply talking to as a ‘friend’ 😦
It’s been a few months and it’s still an ongoing issue. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to grasp what he is and what he’s doing. My current boyfriend and I have had multiple feuds because he’s caught emails where my ex has said incredibly inappropriate things, which leads me into saying and doing things I don’t really mean either. I’m definitely doing a lot better and I know that it’s not real, but somehow when I talk to him, I get all caught up in the game again and can’t walk away from it. It sounds crazy to me to even say! I don’t know why I’m still so concerned with elliciting the attention of this type of person? Is it because I felt so small and insignificant to him for so long that now any bit of attention he gives me makes me want more? I have a feeling it is that, which I attempted to explain to my boyfriend, but he doesn’t get it. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve known (definitely NOT a sociopath) and he showers me in compliments. I think a part of me lacks that ability to completely trust though because I may doubt how genuine the current boyfriend is. I have zero reason to do this, by the way. My current boyfriend has told me many many times that he cannot keep dealing with the ex being an issue and I know that it’s not fair, but I keep wanting to talk to the ex, even when he doesn’t initiate it. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m crazy myself! Sigh. Not sure what to do. I probably break the no contact more than he does. How can I make myself stop allowing the destructive behavior in when I clearly have something real and better for me now?
Why don’t you try no contact for serious. BUT don’t tell yourself this is forever. That can be too long. Say do it for 5 days. and stick to it. Then when you get to the end of the 5 days, say two weeks.Stick to it. If those time distances are too far apart make them small. Keep your time frames small, and you can tell yourself, that you can call him after this time frame, but then make the new contract with yourself again. This sounds silly I know but it does work. The thought of never speaking to them again, can feel too much – so time frame it, you will be surprised just how powerful this is. Before you know it time will go, and during those time frames you can truly focus on you, your life, and try to make a go with your new partner.However, being in a new relationship too soon can be a bad idea, as it can make you idealise your ex – in a way that you wouldn’t if you were on your own.
Omg I was feeling very bad…then just minutes ago, I found this blog. I’m so grateful to all of you for speaking out!!! I ended my relationship with a sociopath 5 days ago…I didn’t even realise at that stage that he was a sociopath! I ended it because I was sick of all the talk, all the promises, all the lies, betrayal (saying awful things about me behind my back) and lack of remorse he showed for the bad things he did to me. Every bad thing he ever did was followed by zero attempt to make it up to me and he called me insecure and needy when I questioned him on it. He kept saying I mean the whole world to him, that I’m so wonderful, and then doing nothing to show it! He made promises he didn’t fulfil, allowed me to lose my security by asking me to marry him, move in with in him. It’s a long story…as these stories are. Well to cut to the chase, after he asked me to move out, saying he needed his ‘space’ back, and I did, at a huge financial cost to me, he said he wanted to still see me…that was a month ago…he promised that once he had his space back, he would be the way he was before I moved in. And he wasn’t. That was a month ago. He was still saying I mean so much to him, that he loved me, etc. I eventually realised something was wrong. Terribly wrong, and ended it. Anyway, one day after I ended it, I went to his house to get closure and a few remaining items I’d left there…and what I saw…was incredible!! He was emotionally empty…looked mildly annoyed at me arriving there. But no remorse…nothing…he said he hadn’t thought at all about what he’d done to me…and basically couldn’t understand why I was crying and unhappy. Well! I came home, googled ‘why do people feel no remorse’ and then I understood everything!! Up came a website ‘unmasking the sociopath’…and finally I understood how he reeled me in, listened to my weaknesses, used them against me, made me ‘addicted’ to the cycle of ‘if you’ll just stop asking for things from me, I’ll give you what you want’. How he convinced me that everything was my fault…how he had me believing that I was insecure and needy. To this moment, I am struggling with wrapping my head around the fact that all those convincing displays of love weren’t real and that I’m not to blame!
Hey Gail, thanks for your comments. Its tough, when they are so charismatic and convince you that you are to blame. When in reality it is them.
They move on and feel nothing, although they are very good at displaying emotion when it suits them. It can be very hurtful to realise that nothing was real. Nothing was true. It was all a lie.
And as for him going back to where he was in the beginning, well this is a hook which keeps a lot of people there. But the truth – he would simply be putting on his guise and mask of illusion – and going back into seducing mode again.
After seducing always comes gaming and ruining. They will repeat the same thing over and over again. Like a default pattern in their brain.
Thank you for your message. Am glad to hear that you got out!! 🙂 Stick to no contact and focus on recovery. You will move forward, and one day the pain will heal (whilst he will always be disordered) 🙂
Wow i needed this site. After 15 years I too was bluntly faced with my husband who abandoned me and my 3 children to persue his next Victim. I saw him in action right in front of me. The way he embraced her and showed 100 per cent attention and interest at the most mundane things that involved her. I felt sick. When I confronted him and said ” your giving her everything you should be giving me ” he simply smiled at me and walked out of our family home to go see her. No compassion no empathy and zero concern for my feelings of abandonment. In fact the more attention he gave her the more she requested off him. She asked him to watch her play basketball, to hold her hand when she got a tattoo Although she already had at least five tattoos.He slept with his phone in case she text him. They texted each other no less than 80 times a day. I even found out they arranged my apparant separation behind my back. I found a piece of paper on my husbands desk with a list of centerlink single parenting payments and it wasnt in his writing. He went to her home as he was doing every night, again leaving me with the duties of our 3 children while they researched one the internet how much money I would recieve. I was furious by this stage but my anger in wanting answers only gave him more amunition to project blame onto me. He said he couldnt live with me that I was pushing him away. I was so confused if I ignored he was so nice to me cause he could have me and her and if i confronted it he would tell me to open my heart and this person was such a better person than me. He threatened my saftey if I Interfered with his ‘game’. He stated he didnt love me any less. He said he would give up me the kids and our home for her and he left to live with her. Yet he would still come over to show me hes a ‘better man’ and want sex ‘to make me feel good’ . My doctor said straight out he is a sociopath and I am his base. A year on I am depressed have anxiety and find it difficult to sleep. When I look back I can see how he operates. Everyone in our community adores him. They see him as a kind caring family man and member of the community. Well spoken and so patient. But I know it is all a mask. He is a chamelian, able to fit into any persona to unnoticeably use and abuse. Its only when you get close enough that you get it. Thankyou for this sight.
Hi Belinda, thank you for taking the time to write your story. I can sense, by how you write, that even a year later this is still hurtful.
It always feels so much more hurtful, that they can do these wicked things, causing so much hurt and pain. And then mix with people who were your friends, as if they are Mr Perfect, or Mr Victim, and people believe them too. I found just that so painful, as it felt like I was on my own.
I guess you have to continue to have contact with him because of your children? How they come across as so moralistic, kind, caring, sensitive… to others. Often for many if you make complaint, you are made out to be the crazy one. The bitter jealous ex, who can’t move on. Whilst he is just getting on with his life, but looking out for you and the kids. Aargh…. I know how hurtful it is.
What I learned, was to take care of me. But it does affect your self esteem, and feelings of self worth. Do you have anyone in your friends/family that you can trust to support you through this?
I am sorry that you are hurting…. sometimes the best way to cope with it, is to have no contact, to allow you time to heal. If you have children – to ensure that contact is only about the children, civil, polite but nothing more. Thank you for your positive comments about the site, I am glad that you find it of help to you!!
I am one day out of a relationship with a sociopath. He always told me he had my back & would always protect me, but now my job is in jeopardy. I can’t eat or sleep, I’ve lost 15 pounds in one month. I moved across the country to start a new life and the first person I run into is a sociopath…just my luck! If I remain employed I have to see this person everyday. I also learned that I work with 3 other women he has victimized. I feel so utterly stupid. I long for his attention though I know he’s sick and beyond help. I have sought out counseling. I’m alone in a new place and I have a 12 year old. I’m trying to hold it together but I’m failing miserably. There hasn’t been any contact in the last 24 hours. Someone tell me what to do… This is the longest weekend of my life!!!
Hi Veronica, it can be a tough situation when you work with someone. The people that I knew that that were in a similar situation, felt that often it became so difficult that they had to get another job.
I know it can be tough, as they take up so much of you time and attention being so demanding, when it is gone, you feel a sense of loss.
The best advice that I could offer, is to just be only on civil terms at work, and only discuss work things when you have to, to be polite. I know it is easier said than done, but try to focus on you, and not the sociopath. As you can’t change the sociopath, but you can change you.
You probably need to get a support network around you? As you say that you have moved city? Are there any activities that you could throw yourself into with your 12 year old. Or does your child have friends, and you could meet up with their parents.
Try not to think too far ahead. Stay with right now and the present. Realistically that is all that you have control over. Its a difficult situation, because of your work. Do you like your job, is there any way you could apply for another position away from him, either in the company or outside of the company.
You didn’t say why your job is in jeapordy – I presume because of his actions? If this is the case, try to focus on what you can change, and not what you can’t. If he is going to give a hard time at work, it might be better to get out of there if you can, is that a possibility? Just take one day at a time, and in your free time, try, as much as you can, to do things that make you happy.
Does he know that you know he is a sociopath? As he might just move on to a new victim.
He does know that I know he is a sociopath…I’ve called him one several times. What I am unsure of is if he knows he is one. He already has another victim who has always been in the picture (the past 5 years). I believe she has no clue what a sociopath is. I didn’t know until a good friend of mine sent me an article after I told her my story. I also found out that besides me & her he’s been sleeping around with countless other women who he doesn’t intend on forming relationships with. My job is in jeopardy because we kept it a secret (I’m in a position higher than him) and when asked I denied it. I would love to just resign, but a new job will be difficult to come by with comparable pay/benefits. I removed the need to be in close contact with him at work, but he has always been good at getting my attention to “talk”. I live in Dallas. I have friends, but I just can’t seem to get past the embarrassment of the situation. I have kind of isolated myself from everyone…my child doesn’t want to leave my side. I’m awful at hiding my true feelings & she knows I’m unhappy. I currently work for the govt…movement is not likely. If I get disciplined it will be impossible. I feel all kinds of STUCK right now.
That does sound a difficult situation. However, without you realising it you are the one in control here. You are the one in authority over him? Or is he in another department and you are not directly over him?
Remember that he fears two things.
Fear of exposure
Fear of losing control
Obviously because of your situation, both of those things are at threat with him. He controls by installing fear into you (all sociopaths do this) mine did my threatening to contact my work to tell them all kind of lies. I was scared too. It felt like a nightmare that I couldn’t escape from. It only stopped when I did what I wrote about in the post when no contact is not working. But then, you are at work, and do not want to compromise your position. If he does anything at all, can you report him? Sociopaths hate losing control more than anything.
He needs to know that you are above him, and he does not control you. The only way I found out of that situation was the mirror him, lie to him, derail him, feed him false information. But again, that isn’t recommended in the workplace, as it could compromise your own professionalism.
He will thrive on your fear. So show him none. Do you have a manager that you can talk to honestly about what has happened? If he is making threats towards you, get people on side before he does. As he will be confident that you won’t do this through fear and embarassment. (they do this, because they don’t feel shame, or feelings like that) and they know that you do. So by gaining your strength and opening up to someone else – it takes away his control and power over you? Just a thought, but whatever you do, make sure that you do everything right or he will report you. I would advise speaking to someone else, as he is likely to speak not the truth, but well perhaps lies with a thread of truth, to make what he says believeable 😦
I tried to take away his control over the situation at work by telling the truth before was able to use that against me. At first it worked in my favor, he was moved so our contact would be minimal. Then the questions started & now they want to discipline me for the relationship. Termination is a possible punishment even though I’m hopeful it won’t come to that. His reputation at work is already tarnished. I broke off our relationship because I found out about the girl he’s with now. Yesterday I found out that he has done this at work 6 times!!! I currently work with 3 of the victims. Since I transferred in no one thought they knew me well enough to tell me 😦 because of my position I will always have authority over him, it’s indirectly now though. After the things I learned yesterday I stopped letting him manipulate me into responding to his text messages. I am certainly done at this point. He inundated my cell with things that I used to let set me off. They all went unanswered. If I was strong enough to do that he has most certainly lost control. I realize that the perfect man he was and our relationship was just pretend. I know there is nothing I can say or do that will make one ounce of difference. The void that is left just really SUCKS!! I got my head to realize it, but my heart is stubborn. One thing I am is impatient…I just want to be over it already!!!
By the way…talking about it really helps. Thank you for allowing me to vent 🙂
Your welcome! Talking is good. I know what they do, and how it makes you feel. You feel like YOU are the one in the wrong and it can make you feel terrible. The sociopath loves to see someone feeling ashamed. Realistically people do have relationships in the workplace, it happens…. even if it is forbidden. You weren’t to know that you had met someone who was selling you your soul mate….
I would imagine that once the disciplinary is over, you will start to feel better, and can put it behind you. I think that suspension feeling when you don’t know what the outcome will be, is the worst feeling, as you live in fear. The sociopath knows this. When is your disciplinary hearing? Or if you have had it, when will you get a decision?
I was told there would be an update by this coming Thursday. One thing im looking forward to is he’s off for the next two weeks & now he’s blocked so I won’t have to see nor hear from him. He hasn’t displayed any violent behavior & I seriously doubt that he’ll just drop by my apartment. Hopefully the discipline will be mild. With that behind me and the counseling, I can attempt to heal.
Yes for sure. As there is no worse feeling than that feeling of fear and dread.
In a way, although this sounds silly it is probably the best thing that could have happened (not meeting him but the disciplinary) – as hopefully you will retain your job. Its then in the past and done with.
Life can get tricky when you invite a sociopath into your life… your probably finding this weekend tough as you have no idea what is going to happen to your life. Once it is over (no matter which way it goes) you will be able to breath a sigh of relief. he wont have any further hold over you.
If they DIDN’T know it would be worse, as he would use this against you, to keep control over you. So really the best thing has happened, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
I CHANGED MY GMAIL,BUT SOME HOW HE STILL EMAILED ME AND STARTED CALLING ME FOWEL NAME’S AGAIN,I BLOCKED HIS PHONE AND HAVE NO COTACT……………..
Hi Positivagirl,
I recently helped my friend realize that her ex from over a year ago was indeed a sociopath, and I’ve directed her to this site. I hope this helps! Do you have any tips for how to move on if it’s been quite a while since the break up and you’re finally now seeing the big picture? I feel it may be more difficult for her to recall things clearly in order to really see the impact and heal quickly. It’s had time to linger in her heart for much too long. Any advise you can give is great!
And G.H, if you’re reading this, we love you and am glad you’re moving on!!
Hi Michele,
It’s really good that your friend has you. It can be difficult, leaving you stuck, if you haven’t healed and recovered. I would say that if it has been a while, and you have managed to rebuild your life. But what happened is still affecting you a long time later, it is probably best to seek medical help, to obtain counselling. She might find that understanding what happened, will give her the truth to set her free. If it doesn’t try to get some professional help. Counsellors are trained to help you work through things, so that you can move on, when you are feeling truly stuck.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the information! A 500 pound weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. For the past year I’ve been struggling with why this man did the things he did and why my heart aches so terribly. I unselfishly gave this man more than $10,000 over a period of 4 months, only to find out he had a girlfriend even though he had asked me to marry him. My heart is broke no more! As you say, I”m now a “survivor” and will move forward each day with the knowledge that I do not want him back into my life EVER!! My only question is should I pursue legal action for the money he owes me? He said he would pay it back, but of course it’s been over a year and I have have not received one dime. THANK YOU again as I feel like a new women!!
Hi Cathy,
Thanks for your comment!! It means a lot. With regard to the money. You know that you will never get this back, there will just be more stalling for time. and they love that, to stall for time. Rather than say straight out, no you can’t have it back, there will be more lies. So it is a waste of time, and stops you from moving on. With regard to pursuing money back through a legal route. Do you have evidence that you loaned him the money? And does he have the money to be able to get it back from him should a court order be served? he is likely to tell the court it was given to him as a ‘gift’. My ex did this to police, he lied to them, said it was given as a gift, and I didn’t have proof to prove otherwise. He even stole from my bank where there was CCTV footage – it is difficult. A legal case might prove costly. Whatever you can guarantee that the sociopath would up the game and lie about you!! ….I am sorry to hear that you have been through this, and that you have lost so much money.
Hello Positivagirl and Thank You for your quick reply! I transferred money into an account that we jointly opened and when I confronted him about it before, I remember he told me that it was a gift helping him out as he would do for me. You pretty much answered my question and as much as it hurts, I know I will never get the money back. I guess I needed you to confirm that for me! I do not know what led me to your website, but I am so THANKFUL for finding it. For over a year now, I’ve been dealing with so much hurt, anger, pain, low self esteem and extreme disbelief that someone would do this to another human being! You have brought some much needed sunshine where there has been nothing but darkness and THANK YOU once again for helping through a most difficult time in my life!!
You are most welcome! It happened to me too. I waited for the money back, it never came back. False promises, stalling for time. More lies, deception. I think he got off on wasting my time, knowing he would never pay it back. I am pleased that what I write has helped you. Your kind message to me, has helped me too!! Thank you!!
I had a Sociopath in my life for Ten years. The destructon is just over whelming.I didn’t know about Sociopaths untill a year after I left the community. It has been about three years since I have had no contact. Still, it is hard to find work and get on with what is left of my life.I think it is imporant to find support about what you are going through and who understands.I get calls form people who were around at the time. I just agree with what they need to say and get a way from them. One of the biggest problem to deal with is the loss of time. I lost a lot of money, career, even my home. It is true when you deal with a Sociopath, you have nothing left.
I am so sorry to hear your story. 10 years is such a long time. And the fact that you left 3 years ago, and you are still struggling to rebuild. I am just sorry to read this. Do you have people around you that you can trust? Or has everything been broken?
Hello, No I have no family support. I have tryed to tell them just some of what as happened. All that is said is justs get over it or People don’t do thing like that. It is more than just rebuilding. One problem is my employment was one of the things that the Sociopath tryed to destroy. I was left with no way to find employment because of the kind of education I have. That was just one of the things the Sociopath was evnys of. Really the last three years has been reading and learning about them. And try to understand what has happend. One thing, I had to much trust in one person. And to live with the truma that was done. And he moves on like it is just another day.
I know and that can be tough. I do think though, that once you have read and learned all that you can. You then have to start pouring that energy and love back into you!
You are worth that. The thing is friends and family can’t understand because it is just so bizarre. The fact we all experience the same thing. Really does say something I think 😦 I often thought it must be nice to be them, and not have a conscience….. the best that you can do, is take all of your energy and love and pour that back into you!! 🙂
After four years of living with a sociopath who took complete advantage of my trust and credit rating, I was finally slapped in the face with the cruel reality of his fraud and womanizing although the red flags had been flying long before that I imagine. I kicked his sorry butt to the curb when I found out. Of course, he promised to pay some bills after we split but never did (not like I’m surprised) so now I’m going to start sending them to his new workplace. He’s also driving a brand new SUV courtesy of my credit rating.
I am exploring legal options for getting my name off of it and recouping some of the money he defrauded me out of. I’ve outed him on FB and continue to do so to let other women and mutual friends know what a shady individual he is. Sort of like my own PSA. I’m tired of being the victim and am now on the offensive against this pig. Instead of withdrawing from life, I’ve continued to work out, I’m reconnecting with old friends who had no connection with my sociopath, receiving alot of positive support from friends, and have purged my life of those who still maintain a relationship with him (the one’s I know about at least).
I did nothing to deserve this and wish I had listened to my friends and my gut before he really got his hooks into me and my wallet.
Hey Bullet, thanks for the comment. I do have a few thoughts
– Firstly, it is unlikely you will ever see a penny that he owes you. He might say that he will give you the money back (see the article about stalling for time) – but they never do. This only gives them greater pleasure and dupers delight to be conning you further – into thinking you could get the money back
It is a good idea to look into legal to see whether you can have your name removed from the car.
I am really pleased to hear that you have good people around you who believe you. You sometimes have to be wary of Facebook, as they seem to gather evidence like a super snooper spy. Yes they are big fans of playing victim and going to the police to report YOU the victim. So whatever you do,always make sure that it is within the law.
Thanks for sharing your story!! . .
Glad to share with as many people as I can so, hopefully, I can save someone else from going through this. Unfortunately, I think people only find this site AFTER they’ve been taken in by these twisted individuals.
I have to admit I took full advantage of FB and blasted him. I’ve kept it within the guidelines like not using his last name but I did use four of his mugshots recently and have only stated the facts as I know them. It’s my outlet and my therapy to continue outing him to everyone he/we know to further decrease his friend base.
I know he’ll never pay what he owes me but it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun with it. He’s done so much to hurt me and daughter (oh, did I mention he’s a pedophile or wanna-be pedophile at the very least).
I don’t know about the other women he’s done this to but I won’t go quietly. I’ve also placed certain information with friends-just in case. 🙂
Its better to dump him as fast as you can…I to psted some articals about my ex to facebook,,threats he nade to people when he lived in tx.found out he was arrested in va.tx.mussure,utah.one was trsspassing on his girfriends property,3 of his girfriends.left him and had to have him arrested,he was in jail fo 3 months,he tryed to say he was setup and that town and canda wanted him out,One of maney wild sicko storys he told me..that and the emsonal and virbal abuse i took from him..I told him get lost and never contact me again….when i tryed other times to dump him he lost it he started calling me a lowlife liaer.and other horrable names…im done with him and i feel better and my fb and old friends are contacting me,some knew about his abuse……..
Thats great news that you got rid of him..me to i finnally got rid of my sicko boyfriend after 14 months of his made up wild lies and acting like everyone liked him,i found out he was a lieing con-man and that he lied to other people,it caught on and people dumped him as FB friends,because he never had real friends and his ex wife and ex girlfriend left him and his ex girlfriend left in the middle of the night and he went looking for,both his exe’s ran like hell to get away from him and i did to…Thank God I did…Good Luck To You and hope You find a real good man?
Yes you too Lu!! 🙂
Anyone who can walk away from these types of situations is lucky. Some never do and continue to endure. Seems like we’ve both saved ourselves. Good Luck to you!
So here’s an update…my week long wait for a decision turned into 3 weeks only for me to learn that my job is proposing removal. Saying I am devastated is the understatement of the millennium. While I was awaiting my fate I had to contend with this sociopathic fool waiting until I was alone to always find a reason to talk to me. I agreed to see him and we talked for 2 hours. I got to say everything I wanted to say. I got closure…in a sense. Everything he said that day, just like everything before that day, was a complete lie. I told him he had one last opportunity to be honest & he looked me in my face and said “I am being honest”. So I proceeded to send a message via Facebook to his current victim. I didn’t care whether she believed me or not even though I hoped she would. I know he understands consequences so I knew he’d back off if losing her was at stake. He doesn’t even look my way anymore. At work he tells everyone that he was the one who messed up & I didn’t deserve to be treated like he did me. He tells everyone I’m a good person. In his personal life though, I am the scum of the earth. Every opportunity he gets to insult me he does in forums where the new victim is present (surprise, surprise-NOT!) . I’m sitting here surprisingly calm even with knowing my employment is hanging by a string. I feel awful, I have never been disciplined at work in the almost 9 years I’ve been working there. I feel like I am being punished twice for not being a match for a truly sick individual. I am kinda paralyzed with fear of the unknown. I don’t have any savings or nest egg to sustain me. I am a single parent. I don’t want to fall into the “woe is me” mentality. I am scared…. Oh, and by the way Mr. Wonderful has pledged his financial support if I need it! REALLY?!?! As if you haven’t done enough!
Im sorry you went thrugh that..like alot of us we have had all we can take from these JERKS…i jus found out on Facebook that my ex is making sexural advances at other women and bad mouthing me to others,but it didn’t work people are on to his crazyness he has made alot of enamys in the last 20 years…..Good Luck and take care and be careful……….
I am sorry you are going through such a rough time Veronica. Try to stay with the present, and right now, as that is all that you have control over. What causes us the most stress in life, is what we have no control over. I went through a lot last year and ended up having to leave my job of 10 years, but it worked out to be the best thing for me. I am now glad it has happened. But the whole year not knowing, it felt like hell, i was so stressed and feared that I would lose my home too. The best advice is to stick to today, maybe use this time to find another job. Even if they did let you stay, would you want to? ….
Thank u Lu
I dated a sociopath before and my family/ friends really didn’t understand why getting over the breakup was so bad. I never got answers. Dumped and verbally abused by text after a year. Then had everyone turned against me. I took the high road but I wonder if it’s truelly worth it, when he no doubt lied about me to everyone. What should I do if I Run into this sociopath and his two faced friends?
It’s usually best to try to stay right away from them (if you can) to allow yourself time to heal and recovery. Focus your energy on you, and healing and recovery.
If you do that (if you can), at least at some point in the future if you do see him your life will be rebuilt and you will be stronger.
If you do see him, hold your head up high. Be proud of who you are. Try to make sure that you are with good friends too, only talk to people you trust, so that what you say cannot be used against you.
Those people who turned against you, were not your real friends – and honestly you are well rid of those people. Although it might be painful right now sometimes you need to lose things in life, to allow new things which are better for you to come into your life!! 🙂
That Was will Said…Your So Right about getting away from him and People You Didn’t Trust….Take Care of Yourshelf and Only You!
I’ve been doing a WHOLE lot of thinking. My therapist said that the amount of stress I’m under from him & the rest of the situation is too much. I am at 25lbs of weight loss in 2 months. I’ve lost interest in everything, I can’t eat nor sleep. I don’t want to go back there & I’m not until I go turn my stuff in. I’m gonna call and resign unless its too late, if so then I’ll just take removal. I realized that I have my retirement that I can use. Sure it will be penalties for taking it out, but it is still a substantial amount. My therapist wrote a letter on my behalf for the collection of unemployment benefits…it is still a long shot, but I’ll try. I spoke to my folks & they agreed to take my daughter until I get on my feet. They have even given me an open invitation to their home if I so choose. My sister told me she wanted me home & that we’ll work out everything. Since the death of my oldest sister in January my family has been growing progressively closer, I think Chicago is calling me home. I’m going to continue to pray & rely on my family and real friends. I will continue to read your blog & tell as many people about it as I can. The community at large needs to be educated on the monsters that prowl the streets looking for new victims. There are some bad guys that are hiding in plain sight.
These men need to be locked up,it seems to happen with men more,Its good your getting close to your family,I did after i dumped my ex,I feel more free and happy now that he’s gone…we need to stick together and talk it out,It can help that other women are going thrugh this…..I hope everyone keeps in touch?
Absolutely…I check this blog so much. I seriously thought I was crazy until I read comments from other women. I need this, it’s my therapy between appointments.
What happened to me Veronica turned out to be a blessing in disguise, I had been in my job nearly 10 years. I didn’t realise how unhappy I was – until I left.
Now, today, ok I don’t have the money coming in, but equally i don’t have the stress or fear anymore either.
I am trying to get over a sociopathic ex but he is still bombarding me with text messages, telling me he is sorry and I’m struggling to tell him where to go. He is also living 5 minutes away from me which does not help. I live in a small town and am always worried that I might bump into him.
I haven’t seen him since March (my choice), and I have managed to block him from my phone for about a week but then he’ll text me on a new number and say something really charming like we are soul mates and that he can’t live without me. But I need to remember the lies he told me, the money he stole from me, the women that he went with behind my back, the loans he took out in my name that are now on my credit report and that he went to prison because of fraud. He hates the police and they hate him. But he always seems to manage to get away with the illegal things he does.
We have a child together. I don’t want my ex to hurt our daughter emotionally like he has done to me but at the same time I am feeling guilty that I am stopping her from seeing her father. My ex has a son from a previous relationship, the son is an emotional mess because his father used to promise to do this and do that then never kept to it. I don’t want my little one to experience that.
I started therapy yesterday and will be trying to work on getting over my ex with my therapist. He still has a huge control over me and I need to try and find my inner strength to deal with him.
Great website and blog x
Hi Claire,
It is a difficult situation when you have a child together. As this complicates things further. What is right for you, and what is right for your child.
Usually if there is a child involved they use the child to manipulate you, until the child says no more – no more lies….
Sociopaths see their children as a part of them – something that they own. They hate to lose control, and need to win and retain control.
Often they drag you through the courts, which can be hell for the parent, as the sociopath will lie to the court. They will lie about anything to get what they want.
So you have to say to him – because of his unreasonable behaviour – he has to go through legal procedures if he wants to see the child. Reasoning with him will get nowhere as he will continue to play games. Always make sure that you do the right thing, never give him ammunition to use against you.
Likely is, he isn’t sorry that he hurt you or your child, he is sorry that he got caught – and has lost source for supply – so therefore right now – he has lost control and isn’t winning. Going through child access with a sociopath can push you to your limits in terms of patience. If it does go that route, always act (as you would) in best interests of the child.
Document EVERYTHING, keep records of proof as he will lie…
Say you do not want to have further contact, that he needs to go through court for access as you can’t trust him to be responsible around your child. Then…. it can be a battle, if he does decide to pursue in the courts. Always keep within the law and keep records of everything.
Remember it isn’t going to change or get better. You cannot change the sociopath, but you can change you.
Hi! I am 25 years old and I met my sociopath when I was 19. I finally left him 6 months ago after being married to him for 2 1/2 years. I never knew what a sociopath was until I read the book “Toxic Men”. It was about a year ago that I realized after reading this book, that I was married to a sociopath and he was destroying everything about me. He had an excuse for everything and I was such a sweet person and I always wanted to show him love, that I took his excuses. I found this book after I realized that my best friend and him were having a thing. I still don’t even know what really happened but I knew then things would never change for him. He was always going to pursue other women and lie to me about it. It tookme six months to finally move out. I waited until he left for work, packed up everything I wanted and my mom helped me move. It was the scariest thing I have ever done and I will never live through something like that again. After six months I am officially divorced and much happier. I have reconnected with all my old friends and am trying to be content with who I am and live in the present. I still have days where I feel lonely but I know that I could never go back. I didn’t know how bad it really was until I started researching and reading about the experiences of other women. It is nice to know that I am not alone. It is also nice to know that I will feel normal again.
Hey thanks for your comments. I think at first it is unbelieveable. The more that you understand the easier it is to heal, to grieve and to rebuild your life. It’s like leaving the eye of the storm. It’s great to hear that you have friends and family around to support you and help you through the recovery process. It’s important to try to catch up with old things, that will help you to centre yourself and move back to who you truly are.
Hi you have had the same retail ship like mines, just a joke if all us women was to exchange names it could act as a good closure to a toxic relationship. We are recovering and we will get there,
So. I’m on here because I am trying to get some answers. I read all the websites about diagnosing a sociopath and I just broke up with my boyfriend and I am trying to tell myself that it’s all for the best. A lot of these posts and blogs that I read the men said mean and hurtful things which wasn’t the case for me…however he never said anything nice either.
– Our relationship was always rocky because of a few indesgretions he had when we first started dating…. I ignored that as just a drunken mistake but I never really trusted again. He lied to me and everyone around him about the most simple things..told me he owned a vodka company and shares in a restaurant…but over the course of an entire year did not see him do a single thing for his said “companies.Over the course of the year we spent at least 250 of those days/nights together…even though we had just met a year ago I found myself constantly yearning for his attention and was willing to go to the edge of the earth for his approval, however he never really cared for mine. He was super charming, always the life of the party and he never knew when to stop.. one drink always equated to a big night out. I always felt that he loved me but I got anxiety that if I wasn’t around to answer his messages or calls at the very instant he needed attention he would go seak it from somewhere else. The last straw was I saw that he had messaged personal ads on Craigslist to meet up with women for casual sex..on nights I was busy with gfs or out of town. We broke up and he said he would go to therapy and that he is so sorry and that nothing actually happened and he doesn’t even remember writing those emails and will get me back whatever it takes. The next day it felt like he didnt care anymore, he was over it and enjoying his newly single life. ..and now I find myself yearning for his attention…this isnt right is it?
Can someone please help 😦
Hello! One of my close friends is currently in a very emotionally abusive relationship, and it has recently come to light that his girlfriend (who is also a “friend”) is sociopathic. Both myself, my friend, and his girlfriend are 18. My friend is currently unaware of his situation, and how manipulated he is being. His girlfriend has been forming a controlling web of lies around him for two years now, and he is unaware of her other relationships. I have tried to gently talk to him about the fact that he is not being treated right, but he is not able to see his situation, and understandably so. In August they are both headed to different universities, in different states. She has told him that she is going to “break up” with him, but has promised to “remain best friends” and has informed him that she will write him regularly. She has stated can “truly see” them getting back together although being sure to say that it was okay for them to date other people. He is infatuated with her and her charisma. He will wait for her, as she is his first girlfriend, and first love, even though she truly has no intent of getting back together with him. She has been told that her plan is unadvisable, and that in fact it is bluntly cruel, but she defends it and is convinced she is being kind to him and that they can stay best friends as long as they are “100% honest with each other.” I don’t want my friend to stay caught in her web, what can I do? He is very sensitive, and I don’t want to sit back and watch her break him apart, but he is convinced that she is the best thing that ever happened to him… There are no adults that I can talk to about this, none that will believe she is actually a sociopath. Do you have any advice? Thank you so much! I really hope for a reply!
There is nothing that you can do. Often actions that you do will only backfire on you. You won’t be thanked for it. Unless you are directly involved with a sociopath yourself. I would advise to stay right away from it. You won’t convince anyone, and likely you will just look like the crazy one yourself. (they are good at doing that)
Yes she certainly what you say she is sounds just like my ex gf, my ex did the exact same thing there is truely nothing you can do, hopefully he can meet someone else
I’d just like to say you are completely right, i was manipulated for a year, hurt over and over. I am an 18 year old girl who had a sociopathic ex gf and every time I’d start to heal and get away she knew it was time to play nice again, I had said to her once when we first met and were just friends that I always wanted a picnic date. Well she must have remembered this because bam to get me back she would do the things to make me feel like she loved me. Then in no time it was all back to normal. SOCIOPATHS CAN’T BE HELPED! I know how hard it is to leave them because I still to this day feel heart broken and I have moved on and have found someone nice, I have an avo restraining order on my ex for extra protection as she would physically hurt me when she would get angry. Just stay strong everyone deserves to be free from these people, It took a long time for me to accept the fact she was not good for me, i chose her even when i lost all my friends, family, job, education she had me on a string and I was just getting pulled more and more in the worse things got.
Thank you for your comment and words of support Em
Can anyone help me? My ex is a sociopath and all information says to cut of all contact. Only problem is we have a son who I am desperately trying to protect from his disease through the system but I have to speak to him daily and I am forced to drop my son off to him for visits. How can I make him become disinterested in us. Everyone telling me to give him mord time with our son and act like I dont care so he moves on…. please help.
I got out of a relationship with a man I am strongly convinced was indeed a Sociopath. That was almost over two years ago and I’m still a mess…I only dated him for less than a year, he swept me off my feet at first then when he had me were he wanted me I became his virtual prisoner. I thought we had love for each other until the verbal abuse and mind games began, sleeping with my so called friends behind my back, stealing from me…the works! He ruined my social life and reputation completely…telling lies that I was born drug dependent just to be cruel. And he walked out of the situation looking like the victim turned hero. He has turned literally everyone against me and has made me out to be the crazy one, he even pushed me to attempt Suicide. It is scary to look back and wonder how and why the heck did I not see this coming? He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing thats why! 😦
I have severe depression and borderline agoraphobia due to this monster of a man, and even though I haven’t spoken or seen him in three years I’m still really angry and upset at all the disgusting things he did to me. Brainwashing me into thinking everything was somehow my fault, that I was the one always in the wrong…kissing his butt and apoligizing for things that I knew deep down I wasn’t guilty of but did it anyway because I was so frightened of him getting mad and going off on me for hours on end. Not being able to speak on my cellphone unless it was on speakerphone so he could hear every little word in my conversation so I couldn’t tell anybody what was really going on behind closed doors and the emotional damage he was causing me. Calling me stupid, fat, ugly….even the C word! He slept with some of my so called friends behinfd my back, took thousands from my savings accounts. My mother finally realized what was going on as she saw that my personality had completely changed. And invited me to come live with her and leave him and the apartment we bought together. So I had to do this in the middle of the night, pack a few things and run for my life. When I got to my mother’s house I slept for a week straight as I could finally get some real rest…for being with my ex I was on his bec and call even pulling all nighters. Doing HIS homework, and mine, cleaning cooking…trying to please him. I look back and now realize I should have told him to go F himself and left long before but clearly my mind was messed up and at one point I really did have DEEP feelings for this man. Only to be made a fool of in the end. When my ex realized I was gone…thats when things got REALLY ugly as he hacked my Facebook account, pretended to be my mother and told a friend of mine he knew had a big mouth I killed myself. He basically faked my death to my online friends…over a thousand of them. A lot of people where devastated thinking I took my own life then he acted as if he was me and said it was just a joke. Suicide is NO joke and my friends were beyond pissed thinking I played a cruel prank on them. I lost basically all of my friends because of what HE did. THANK THE HEAVENS nobody knows exactly were my mother lives. When I discovered what hehad done as friends were sending me hate mail, in depression and despair I attempted Suicide which was exactly what he wanted to prove to everyone how “crazy” I was, I have tried convincing my friends to see this man for the monster that he is…but nobody believes me. He ruined my life.
My gosh, I am so sorry to read what you have been through. Mine hacked my accounts (hotmail and facebook) and sent mail about me to around 50/60 people on my friends list. The most awful things. But at least he did do this from him. Do you still have friends around that you can talk to? Nobody needs 1000 friends, so maybe a clearout is good. But I do understand the humiliation. Talk to people that you trust, and keep with those people. Don’t worry about telling everybody as that will just fuel his fire that you are ‘crazy’ I did that too. it was awful. I felt terrible. I am just so sorry to read what you have been through, that is awful. But please remember that you are worth so much more than ending your life for this person. You can recover your life, I have, and you can too. I know how humiliating it can feel they do this because they fear that you will expose them. It’s nice to meet you, please stay strong, it can get better – I am proof of that, and today I have rebuilt my life, and l am happy!!!
Hi Positivagirl. It’s been two months since that post of mine abouve, and I am feeling a lot better. Following your blog has helped me overcome some really dark places. I am doing fine and much healthier, mentally and emotionally. Godbless and thank you for responding and giving me kind words of compassion and wisdom.
My boyfriend was also a sociopath and I left him cold turkey because I went to HELL in back because of this sick man, the very next day he made sure that I saw him across the street from my home kissing another women PLUS after that he moved her in the vacant home ACROSS THE STREET so that I can watch everything. Is that heartless or what? I was SO VERY HURT wondering why would he want to hurt me so very deeply when I turned myself and and out for him until I found out that sociopaths have no conscience and no heart.They are truly sick!!! Everything they do or establish is for their very own pleasure. NO ONE ELSE.NOW when I think of him I feel nothing.
sociopaths are selfish, and think of their own needs and their what they can gain. always they come with an agenda and leave with one too. they are self focused and self motivated. to them, other people are merely business transactions to be used for their own use. Which is a tough thing to overcome I think. Esp when you were in love with them, and had given them everything that you had.
Hi I also dated a sociopath.
I lost my family, two jobs, my health and isolated myself of all my friends.
We were good friends, just friends for two years before he started looking at me as the next victim. I fell in love with him and I can truly say it was the best time of my life until everything started to go downhill.
At the end I discovered all his lies. Another lady he was seeing and I we had a talk and all was discovered. I discovered him and he was really pissed off with me.
After months of no contact few weeks ago he started again texting me. Saying sorry and then I love you. That he could not be with me and never could, that he was sorry he tried and failed but that he loves me. I know who he is and I won’t fall again into the same cycle. I am not angry anymore about what happen and I made peace with it, and this helped a lot.
Now he told me that another lady she was seeing (when everything came to light) has gotten pregnant. That he is going to try to be with her for the child. He has come to me for advice as I have a young daughter. He knows I know he is a sociopath and that I don’t fall into the bullshit anymore.
My question is; is it dangerous that he knows I know? Should anybody warn that poor lady?
She is older, great career. She lives in another city than him so she is clue less of what is going on. She is going to leave her job and move here. I know that at the same time the man in question is seeing the other lady. I know that because she called me yesterday in desperation.
Should I just stay out of all this or should I do something about it? Try to warn her?
I know that the safetest is to ignore all this and full stop. But I feel bad knowing she is going to be another me but this time a child will be involved.
Hi Survivor (I like your name btw as you are a survivor and not a victim)!!!
What a mess that they create!! First of all, the last person that he needs to come to for ‘advice’ is you. Why should you be offering him advice whilst he plays victim? Also how does this make you feel?
The texting you saying that ‘he loves you, is sorry, but could never be with you’ is manipulation – he is lying. What he hopes that you will say to this, is that you know he is a sociopath and will take him back (for a further source of supply) in fact asking you for advice, playing victim, and trying to butter you up….. is playing to your ego (by making you think that you are ‘special’ he can confide in you)…. DONT fall for it…. you know that it is a slippery slope back down, and using the excuse that you have a daughter too…. so he can talk to you, is rubbish – you are not him so how could you advise him?
You might not realise it, but he is actually doing what he can to worm his way back into your life – and get away scott free with his actions. Sociopaths are actually quite weak and often need someone else to hold their hand through life – even though they don’t display this on the outside.
With regard to the other woman. Realistically what do you think would happen if you did ‘warn’ her? He would describe you as the jealous ex who cant get over it and cant move on (reinforcing the idea of how great he is) he would make you out to be the crazy one – as no doubt he is playing Mr Perfect. You trying to blow his cover, could actually pull them closer together, whilst you look like the bitter and twisted one pining for her man!!!
Whether it is dangerous that he knows that you know?, this really depends on how violent and aggressive he is…. my ex knew that I knew – but he was not violent or aggressive. So there was little risk – i would simply smile at him – then write a blog post whenever he displayed bad behaviour (he read every one)…..
Why do you want to be ‘friends’ with him, and can you see how he is trying to worm his way back into your life as if nothing ever happened?
Regarding the I love you part. I didn’t have an impact on me. I honestly thought he was texting someone else.
The part of wanting be “friends” that is what I don’t understand of myself. I think it has to be a very lonely way to live. We have talked about him and not controlling this part of himself. Maybe I still believe that we are all good in nature and no one deserves to live like this.
I know he is trying to warm me up, I know he is trying to make me special in another way. I am conscious of it.
I have become a colder person after this experience, i don’t feel. I don’t want to date anybody just in case I am becoming like him.
Is this part of the recovery?
Sociopaths do this. You know how he moved on from you? He is doing the same., they always try to keep multiple forms of supply going. Think about it, they have a lifetime experience of creating carnage – they are used to it. Also they think with both parts of their brain, so the duality is something that comes naturally to them. They get bored too, so having different people in their lives, to fulfil different needs is also useful (that is how they see people – useful for their own needs) – it is always about them.
I can totally relate to you, I was very similar with my ex (but there were no other women involved – that he was directly caught with – apart from texts).
You know yourself ‘warming you up’ is exactly what he is doing. Checking your responses (remember the assessment and gaming) so he is assessing you, and your responses. Your final question, I really don’t know the answer to that = as I am the same. I didn’t want to date anyone else. I knew (and he knew that I knew that he is a sociopath) – it also made me more cold than I otherwise was. But no, it can’t turn you into a sociopath – how can you turn into a person who has no empathy guilt remorse or shame. You are clearly showing thoughts of ‘thinking of others’ being there for someone who has not treated you right…. thinking of his needs…. (almost forgetting your own, as you feel safe)….. but it can be a very quick slippery road down – as they are the master game players – not you.
Your ex partner has very likey also steered you away from your hobbies and you focusing any time on keeping fit and healthy because they were jealous of the time and attention you spent on yourself….now is the time to start doing the things you enjoy .
My ex used to complain about me reading or knitting, I walked on egg shells to make him happy, all the time I felt like he was sucking all the enjoyment out of life and he was.
He also used deliberately sabotage my efforts to be slim by buying and insisting I ate junk food and if I didn’t the accusations stared saying I was cheating on him so I ate the food to keep him quiet.
It’s been 18mth for me now, I’m so glad it’s over. I’m me again but occasionally my brain suddenly works out something he’s said or done to me…like a bit of the puzzle falling into place. Lol
You do really have to stick strickly to the no contact or the situation will get worse, if he/she is really hassling or stalking you phone the police they might not do anything other than talk to them but it will be on record.
Is there any way that we can keep the detail of those sociopath in a website that women can check their love histories? How many women out there will have the same horrible thing that us have to go through over and over again? My ex is travelling a lot, he has money and has a good family and he uses those to lure women and make them believe that he is a good man. He used his previous job that he worked with children in need to make himself look even more good. He said to me I will have a good life with him and I just have to be patient and behave.
He refused to add me on his facebook as he said he never used it for personal but one day I saw an asian girl on his facebook and I confronted him and he went mad and blocked me. Long time ago he told me that he never known anybody from my country but he has her on his facebook for 6 years that girl told me. He told that girl that he cannot find a girl to date him at home and asked her to find girlfriend for him. I guess he told this to any women who he tried to seduce but unsuccessful so he asked them to find a girl for him instead. He is retired now and he will have a lot of time to seduce women. I even found his profile on Couchsurfing that he is looking for women travellers to stay with him at home. He is not accept men ofcourse, only women that he want to help.
I have problem with my ankle and he said “if you cannot walk I will carry you”
I asked him if he love me and he said “yes” he didn’t even say I love you back but just said yes.
He kept telling me about how rich he is, how clever he is and how great his family is. He has two sisters that he uses them as a tool to help him look like a family man.
He said he cannot introduce me to his family and friends because of my unstable behavious such as checking on him on facebook and have too many questions about him.
He said if I cannot cope with his busy schedule find a local guy who work 9-5 to date.
He said he is very trustworthy and royal. I recorded his conversations with me and I showed to my friends because they didn’t understand what I was talking about when I complained about him. He underminded me and make me feel small. Even when I asked him questions why he never asked me to go on holidays with him and etc but he ignored them and kept telling me about my problems and pushnished me by not let me see him afterward. Now I know that he never asked me to go on holidays with him because I’m not worth it.
He told me one day that I shoud concentrate about what he needs not about what I need. I was always trying to be a good girlfriend so I tried to not complain too much because I don’t want to be needy. He kept saying that I always have bad thought about him and that I had mental issue until I saw pictures of him with another young girl who he paid for her flight to see him in Hongkong on 2011. He told me that he went there for a business trip. I guessed when he went to China last year (2012) he went to see a girl over there too.
The difference between him and other sociopath is he will pay for young women to travel with him and tries to seduce them to have sex with him and show them effection that he is really fall for her.
I felt confused and always thought maybe it was me who is the problems but after read your blog I know 100% now that it wasn’t me. I warned women in my country about him. I know that women in my country is his target.
Hello, I just found this website and what a joy to see such lightness around a serious topic. I’m afraid I got in deep. I have been in and out of relationship with a man (unsure he is a sociopath) for six years. He left me many times for other women and for years was abusive, but the last time we got back together he apologized for domestic abuse and changed. He was much kinder, better, monogamous. . . but something always bothered me. He got me back by promising to marry me, but when I talked to him about that later he just got angry and said he never wanted to get married. When I finally said I can’t do this only 2 or 3 days a week coming to your housemate’s trailer and watching westerns as a “relationship,” he said “take it or leave it.” Then when I pleaded for him to come back he said, “I’ll fuck you and say see you but that’s it.” After all these years of loyally waiting out the abuse something snapped. He wasn’t answering my phone calls. I had a work trip scheduled so I took a man with me. It wasn’t intended to be a sex trip and I didn’t find the man appealing but he put so much pressure on me that I said, fine. And then the ex called! I tried to pretend I hadn’t been with someone but he always finds out the truth! And when I tried to explain I thought it was done he became so angry he called the police and said don’t ever talk to me again! And then it turns out he met someone while I was gone. He has been in a relationship with her for two months. I’ve tried my hardest, no contact, counselor, shrink, but feel sometimes suicidal, I keep trying but keep feeling that way. All the closeness I thought we had. . . I accidentally ran into him the other day and he and his girlfriend just pretended I wasn’t saying hi and that I wasn’t even there, like I didn’t exist. . . after all those years. . . . and then he always used to come back to me, every time. This time feels different, as though I am so immoral that I am a discard! It’s all my fault! But maybe he is just waiting! Oh, please advise.
Please send me the link again, I cannot go into the forums, I have two months now left a sociopath and I am now getting on with my life, not knowing what’s around the corner from his damaging behaviour. Please send me the link so I can communicate with others like myself. Thanks
Thank you so much for this expert advice. The first sociopath I dated broke up my marriage. Long story short, he convinced me that my husband was cheating. Took months of therapy to heal, only to find myself again involved with a different sociopath. This one used different tactics. I was able to catch on after 6 months, but again devastated. My ability to trust and love again all a slap in my face. Are we predisposed of attracting these types of men? I’m an educated, attractive woman with street smarts. I’m down on myself because I have been so ignorant. I did see a few warning signs, but ignored my ‘gut’ feeling.
Hi Kathleen, sociopaths often target smart people. As they are smart themselves they like the challenge. It gives them a buzz to ruin other peoples lives, as this makes them feel better about themselves. I think the one thing that can attract them – is searching for something – and looking for something elsewhere (that is already within you) – the sociopath will always offer to fill in the gaps, that you might feel is missing in your life. Don’t feel stupid – it isn’t that you are stupid, just that they are better at lying, being manipulative and deceptive – than you are at looking for it. And why would you. The one thing that dating a sociopath does teach you, is to trust yourself. Or to learn to trust yourself.
In my opinion, I don’t think all that matters. Soc’s may be some of the best salesmen walking the face of the earth. Too, because of their boredom with the commonplace and routine, breaking down someone’s self-pride/confidence may just be the challenge they need to make them feel superior.
Hi Lady’s
I need a bit of help.I was married to a sociopath I think for 30 yrs but due to my abuse as a child I never noticed it until just the other day 6 yrs after leaving him.I to was caught up in lies and abuse (from him).i have 4 children to this man which are all adults now but my family see’s me as the one who has done things to him even his two latest partners think i’m still doing things.
my children don’t see what’s happening but there partners are asking me why cant they see things or why don’t they defend me towards him.
Have you lady’s got some suggestion to how I could get this person out of my head and heart.
A bit of background.
I married him when I was 17 yrs old and everything for 10 yrs was going great but then things changed he started going fishing every day or night after work,he did hunting every weekend as well.
He went to the stripper’s one night and wouldn’t touch me for 3 month, He had got herpes and two specialist told both of us that he had slept with someone. but in his mind no he hadn’t and blamed me for giving them to him(not),He kissed and touched one of our friends wives still not his fault it was her’s
we had a boat accident in our 15th yr which I nearly died from and the only thing he was worried about was the possessions.
when we got home he told me he tried to kill me today.
when my dad died it started to be you’re having an affair ,then looking on the phone, telling the kids all our private stuff and all about my childhood abuse,not wanting me to have friends (they all left),I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair a certain way cause he would make my life hell,I couldn’t say no to our private life other wise the children and I would be picked on,I was threatened often. one night he even tried to rape me and hold me down.he says he just wanted affection.
Everyone believes him and feels sorry for him. still to him he hadn’t done anything wrong, That I had the problem.
After this I left
I tried to talk to family and they didn’t want to know.
I found out after two yrs of being away that he had been talking to my children,family and friends and calling me sick in the head.that I had a really big problem.
I started councilling cause I thought I was going mad, then we started councilling that ended badly. telling me that I wasn’t the victim he was and even the coucillor said stop acting like the victim.
please help
Aragh welcome to the site Vicky. Is he still in your life? I am presuming so for the sake of the children. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, but I do truly understand how it feels. I have been there too. You are not alone – there are lots of people here who understand it. You said that he was nice for 10 years – did you not uncover that all of those first 10 years of niceness was a pack of lies?
I am hurting so bad…I cry and cry and ask myself why didn’t I leave a long time ago….I am a working mom and go to school…I have moments when I am happy and then I break down and cry….I am tired of hurting. I pray I pray and pray asking God to take the pain away
Hi Whyme, welcome to the site! I am so sorry to read how badly you are hurting. I know how they can absolutely destroy you and your entire world. Do you have friends/family left in your life to help you? I hope that you can receive support from this site!
Thank you so much for this information it is beyond helpful. My mom is a sociopath, she had me brainwashed and the way she treated me caused me to struggle my entire life with depression. It got so bad I attempted to take my own life and ended up in the mental hospital for three days where I was diagnosed with bipolar depression. Once I was put on the correct medications and got my mind right I began to realize the control she had over me and how evil she was. I realized that the way she acted and treated people wasn’t normal. I started doing research because I knew something had to be wrong with her. Once I read a little on sociopaths I had no doubt in my mind she was one. That was probably 3 years ago now. We use to talk every day on the phone and now we rarely talk due to her actions. Yesterday me and my boyfriend of 9 months broke up which is a normal occurrence. I caught him in lies which of course got turned around on me. After sitting around numb in pain with nothing but my thoughts I started to think of how many traits him and my mother had in common. It was like a lightblub went off and everything made sense that he was a sociopath as well! So I started researching again and came across this page. I was feeling so confused and lost wondering how I was going to make it through this breakup because this time I knew I had to stick with it. We broke up because I found text messages to multiple different girls disguised under guy names in his phone. I was in complete shock I never expected to find something like that. After reading all the information you have on here I felt a weight lifted, sense of relief, and that I had to do the right thing and walk away. Because of course I was beginning to considered giving our relationship another shot after all his mind games to reel me back in. Our relationship followed the exact stages you talk about. So I always held on to that hope of maybe it will get better and be like it was in the beginning. In the beginning he was everything I always wanted in a boyfriend and now looking back I see all the signs. He asked me all the questions about past relationships and why it didn’t work. The whole time he was gathering all the information I was offering up of what I was looking for in a relationship so he could become that character to trap me. I’m 27 years old and was only in one relationship before him for 6 years. I never wasted my time dating someone I didn’t see myself marrying. I told him that too in the beginning and now I’m sure that made him even more determined to have me make him my boyfriend. I’m hurt because of all the sacrifices I made and all the things I changed to try and make him happy. Thank you for helping me realize what I have to do. Deep down inside I always knew I needed to leave but was holding on to false hope. I now know that things will never change and what needs to be done. Thank you again!
Hi Britney, thank you for your comment and welcome to the site!! How painful that must be to have not only a mother who is a sociopath and then to meet one as a partner and not have your mother to confide in for support. I hope that you can gain a lot of support from this site!!
Jennifer, I wish I had an answer for you. All I can tell you is, you are not alone. I too am experiencing someone I loved having “moved on” while I feel stuck in my obsession over her. She seems happy, has a boyfriend, and has completely forgotten me after professing great love. She switched overnight. It was terrifying and confusing and horrible. I know the despair of thinking you will never find happiness again. I am trying to find the thing I was looking for within myself. I hope you will do the same. I hope you find whatever you were looking for within yourself, because I believe it is truly there. I have not done this myself, but I am trying. Do not give up hope. There is an old saying “when you are going through hell, keep going.” I wish you success and happiness.
Thank you so much, I am reading and assessing myself everyday. It has not gone away yet but the abuse is further away , that’s good enough for me.
As much as it hurts I cut my sociopath ex off a couple of days ago. It still hurts because he is smearing my name on facebook. I am shocked that I gave him my all and he sees fit to talk bad about me. We met at work, he told me he was attracted to me. I fell in love too soon. Had sex.. he left me for his ex then he smeared me at work for no reason then denied it. Then he crawled back after a couple of weeks and I forgave him. He needed a place to stay after his mom kicked him out for being mouthy. So I took him in. He started smearing me at work again when I got a promotion. I forgave him. We went to church and Ye flirted with his ex in front of me and in front of everyone… I forgave for that. He had a gambling problem and stole money from me and he owes me over 10,000 dollar’s in which he promises to give back. He never did. The week’s before he moved back in with his mother he borrowed my rent money for a down payment on a car… He was getting a large sum of money the next week. He never gave me the money back. He left me to foot the bills and moved back in with his mother. He came crawling back and I forgave him before thanksgiving… He borrowed a little money after the holiday.. paid it back but started smearing me at work again… I cut him off. He got on facebook and smeared me and told them he cut me off. He bashes me to his family and our mutual friends… The worst year of my life.
Wow you sound so similar to me, I’m sorry you went through it, I’ve left my ex soc 4 months now and find it very hard to keep away, I dole eps away now without a doubt. Another thing I have adopted is to stop thinking and feeling negative against him as he know what he does. Negative breeds negative and positive breeds positive so I now want to be positive and happy with my self, it’s a slow process and I imagine the end product . To This day he has stayed away from me and my family yes it seems like he has fallen off a cliff some where. We’ll after the first two months which was the worse I began to feel sorry for him, inwhich case they design it that way pity!. This site has engraved the perfect character of my ex, I used it for closure. Yes I’m a little lonely right now as outbreak up took everyone with it, I’m left with no friends etc, but we all know that they were his spies and still are spies for him as he said for him self. Right now I’m glad to be alive with my family, it’s good. The sick sic texts me every two weeks with a load of rubbish,real rubbish talk almost like I never told him to leave my house, weird. I know I have to ignore it and no I refuse to change my number because of him. He texts and I press delete. Don’t know how long he intends to harass me for, but it does nothing to me, I think he will get bored and leave me alone for good, the one that got away. But every day I’m getting stronger and stronger and he is getting weaker as he looses track of me and my activities. You do end up feeling good keep saying no and mean it if you really love yourself, I learnt that once again as the sociopath tried so hard to erase my entire mind.
Hello,
I have read everything on your site and it’s reassuring yet sad knowing that others are and have experienced the immense pain I am feeling. After 2 weeks of no contact I broke down and sent him a message. He told me that I’m a C and horrible and that I would need to listen to him and follow his command in order to be with him. when I am not in tears crying I am replaying the last nearly 3 years of the relationship. I look back and can’t believe how much of myself and power I relinquished. My moods, feelings, and happiness depended on his and doing my best to please him. I let myself be verbally abused, spit on, pushed, smacked and degraded and I took it. I had left others for much less but somehow kept taking, made excuses, and always blamed myself somehow because he did a great job convincing me of it. Everything was my fault and I sucked and how if I loved him I would do a,b,c etc. he told me that it was my fault for killing our relationahip.I keep checking his profiles and am hurting myself when I see a picture of a place that I went to with him and though there isn’t another person in it, I let my mind wander because he disabled the feature for comments to be made. It hurts me to my core. I spend my time trying to piece things together because he knows just what buttons to push and what will hurt me the most. I’m driving myself crazy because it’s like I’m going through withdrawal and I miss him and I feel alone. He wanted to spend all his time with me all the time and I needed some space. Now I feel alone and hurt because in my mind he has found someone better to spend all his time with and how wrong I was to pass it up. I don’t think I’ll ever feel for someone else what I feel for him. It’s literally making me sick-migraines, I’m getting pimples, and my hair is starting to fall out because I’m so very sad and stressed. I just want to pack up and move because everywhere I go I’m reminded of him. I feel like I’m lost in the shuffle and cannot get my mind off him. I keep checking his social media and I know he’s seeing someone else and I am in complete anguish and despair. He’s moved on and in my mind is happy and will be spending New Year’s Eve with her and I’ll be alone and lonely. He was the first person I slept with and the thought of him with someone else while he told me how “special and different” I was paralyzes me. I keep thinking of how happy they are and how she must be better and that I caused this to myself. I don’t think that I’ll ever find happiness again.
Hello, I understand what your going through cause Im going through the same. It’s so hard but you have to do it if you love and value yourself. I love my self and have enjoyed it so far. I’m on this site cause it helped me work him out fully. Being afraid of someone is not love, I was afraid, being slapped repeatedly is not love, I now know that if he didn’t love me we’ll my love is so valuable that he didn’t deserve it.
I’m a married man with a child. I got a new job last summer. I have never cheated on my wife, never thought I could. But I fell in love with a co-worker. She turned out to be a sociopath. Now the pain is unbelievable. She loved me so much. She made me feel… magic. Special. Sexy again, after years of middle-aged self-loathing. It was like meeting the woman you’ve dreamed of since you were thirteen years old, the woman you always wanted, and now here she is, it’s a miracle, but it is real. I saw her every day. We went on long walks, we talked about sex, I made her laugh. She was recently divorced and confided in me about her terrible dates. We both knew I was the right guy for her. If only I weren’t married, if only we weren’t co-workers, why was this happening, we were meant to be together. Eventually, we went out one night to hear a lecture – but never got there. I told her my feelings, she acted shocked. She said she didn’t know when she was sending signals – it was all so sexual – we were literally in the erotic section of a bookstore when I told her I wanted her. After much drama and promising we would never do anything to hurt my marriage or our careers, we finally kissed. It was the best kiss of my life. Two weeks later, we slept together. Two days after that, she told me she had met someone she “really liked” and it was over. She became a different person overnight, like a light switch. She was not pretending not to care about me. She really did not care, just days after emailing me “I love you beyond words.” (We texted and emailed constantly for months). We work together in a small office. I begged her to talk with me. She only wanted to talk about how sad I was acting, how this would get her in trouble at work. I told her my heart was broken. I told her it was important that she knew I had loved her. She snapped back “Why?” She was incredibly cruel. There was no light in her eyes. Terrifying. I begged her to talk again, in the form of many pathetic emails. She refused. She made me feel ashamed about all of it. She now speaks of her boyfriend casually. It is like nothing ever happened. Falling in love is a big deal for me. She acts like I borrowed her stapler. Every time she mentions her boyfriend, it feels like flames run through my body. She put up pictures of them kissing, of her licking his neck and him smiling, in her office. I felt pain I had never known upon seeing that. I know what I did was wrong. I was prepared to leave my wife and quit my job to start a new life with this woman. I still can not believe she won’t discuss it. Now I have to see her every day. I have been giving her the silent treatment (immature and damaging, I know, but I have no better ideas). She wants to make small talk in front of our co-workers but will not speak with me about what has really happened. I’d love to move on. I have to see her every work day for the next two years. Please don’t judge me. I feel bad enough. If anyone knows how to deal with her, or just wants to lend support, please reply. I am not a bad person. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life. Please help me if you can. Thank you.
Hi kyle, ive just been through something very similar! Message me bak
How are you, well put together online site
you have at this time there.
“Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before, but rather allowing what is now to move us closer to God.”
—Ram Dass: American contemporary spiritual teacher and author
My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago after a tumultuous 6 year on and off relationship. I went off to college 5 hrs away and we stayed together, little did I know at the time he was having the time of his life, he would send me messages etc how much he missed me and than I found out there were girls, a lot of them over the course of my college career. And for some reason he always convinced me he was sorry and was going to change. He is a sociopath to a tee, he would lie to me about stuff that didn’t even matter and I watched him lie so easily to his friends and family. He has a way with his words and can convince anyone of anything, and people eat it right up. We finally were on a really good track, he wasn’t being sketchy or anything for a good 6 months and than I decided to do more schooling so I applied to a school in our hometown so we wouldn’t have to do the distance anymore and he just broke up with me, a week before I was going with him to his family’s thanksgiving. Than 3 weeks later he gave me some spiel about how he did it because he was unhappy and it wasn’t fair to me etc and wanting to get back together. So I literally moved home and we spent every night together and than just one night he didn’t text me and I got online and he had hidden his fb relationship status and than just dumped me again. No reason or anything, and than I found out there was a younger girl at his work, they had only been talking a week and she kept posting pics of them and they’re already in a relationship and she is really falling head over heels for him. I just don’t understand how withing 4 days he doesn’t think that looks bad…..and I tried to warn her because no one deserves what he is capable of and she told me that just because we had a bad relationship doesn’t mean anything about them and that they’re completely happy. He is not capable of being happy, and for christmas he asked me what I wanted and I told him these concert tickets and he told me “sorry to be an indian giver but it was my money so I will do with them what I want” when we broke up, I know he is going to give them to her. I am working on myself and moving on, I just can’t believe how fast he has already convinced another girl how fantastic he is etc and she is really falling for it. On the outside to everyone he looks like such a great guy, it’s just so frustrating.
I understand, they are good at gaining your attention but with no substance. They will groom and collect victims for their purpose if they can. My ex is now 53 and looks 73 because of his addiction. He might be having trouble to get victims lol. I left 7 months now and feeling great, even being chased by good men is happening to me now, wow I have come a long way, I have totally moved on, was with him for 11 years on and off due to his disappearing act with other women. I figured let him go and have them and I am too good to be with him. It worked after going away and staying away. The last txt I got from him was Christmas 2013, and my good friend sent it back to him, she said she hoped his new victim will see what he is like, I laughed. I received no more, bliss. It’s been silent all the better for me to enjoy the chase and praises from other men, nice, look I was on the floor in August last year, feeling ashamed and confused, very painful. I over come that now and enjoying what ever I want to do. It will all work out if you want it too, I wanted good for myself not bad, and that’s what he was. I have no contact with him or anyone that knows the bleeder lol. He is just one big joker card to me now, no fear no tears. He lives close to my mum, and if I saw him as he has seen me, I would kiss my teeth lol (it’s a curse to him, and it’s Caribbean) lol. You will get there, just do everything else and don’t focussed on him, it drove my ex wild, that he has silence himself from me. Two weeks now I have blocked his calls from my phone. I think that I have won so far, don’t you???? I’m happy again, people say the colour has come back to my cheeks, it makes me laugh when I hear it, everyday I pat myself on the back that I don’t have to deal with a nasty person like him, the sociopath.
Alyssa , don’t ever for get that he will do the same to her, give it a month then you will see the cracks, but if the woman cannot let go yet she will endure it for a while, if not she will run as fast as she can, lol that’s when he would want to slide back to you, I would block or change my number, he would panic and get confused, then you will heal away from him and you would have won your life back. It’s a Great feeling for us women. I have experienced this already, you can do it, the no contact does work, trust me on that it worked for me, no reply I loved it.
It has been almost 2 years since my break up with a sociopath. Everything you say is spot on. The healing process has had its peaks and valleys but I’m getting there. I just want people to know that it’s not an easy process and healing takes time. You will have your bad days along with your good days. Sociopaths are frightening people. No one ever deserves their abuse or to fall victim to their lies. Stay positive and remember that you will love again in a normal relationship.
Thank you Gina 🙂
Hello , I agree it’s been 8 months now, all seems to be well, he’ll did not open up and swallow me up like he said, ahh I’m doing fine. Yes there has been some spiritual pulls at times so I just fill up my time with as much as possible, it works for me so far!!! I know I will get to years soon.