I make no apologies for writing in male format. This is because it is easier to write than trying to write a post that is gender neutral. The words in this post, could equally apply to a female sociopath!
A question that is often asked that comes up on my stats, is
Is there hope for the sociopath?
What you are asking, is will that person, ‘get better’ will they ‘recover’?
By hope, what are you asking? Are you asking if there is hope for you, for them or for your own sanity?
Believe me a sociopath will rob you of any sanity you have left.
If you are asking, is there hope that they will suddenly be normal? – Which means that they WONT
- What to control you
- Dominate you
- Own you
- Mould and shape you
- Isolate you
- Cheat on you
- Lie to you
- Manipulate, and play mind games with you
- Drain you
- Gaslight you
No they won’t suddenly ‘recover’ have some personality transplant and turn into Mr or Mrs Right. They will always be someone elses ‘right now’ but not Mr or Mrs Right (if there is such a thing) –
WHY?
The simple answer is because sociopaths DO NOT MOVE FORWARD. They do not progress. They simply move around and round in the same circle, and believe me, the same drama the same fights, the same old shit, gets pretty dull after a while. It gets old. Like watching paint dry.
The sociopath MIRRORS you and steals you from you
Reminds me a lot of this post it wasn’t a relationship, it was a , robbery
The sociopath is the mirror image of you. To get to know you, and to be in you life, they will be just like you. The longer that the sociopath is in your life, the more of your life you will see vanish. They will affect you, your ability to think. It’s a continual round of
- Brain washing
- Brain draining
Leaving you ultimately feeling
- Brain dead
They take over. There is no such thing as caring and sharing, it is always you providing. Sure the sociopath CAN provide!!… IF it is in their interests to do so. In fact they can do anything, if it is in their interests to do so.
Don’t expect normal – from abnormal
While they might appear like the nicest people in the world. Most of it is faked and feigned. Even when they are being nice almost always it is because it is in their interests to do so, to get what they want.
After everything that I knew, everything I had learned, I would still struggle with this. Sociopaths make good things bad. Always they will make good things bad. They play with your emotions, like they have the god given right to do so. Sociopaths always have a sense of entitlement, and they wouldn’t know the truth if it was staring them in the face. Indeed if they do know the truth, they do all that they can to either twist the truth, bend the truth, or completely fabricate another reality.
If you start off sane, it won’t last. Tired and drained from the constant drama, you become desperate to switch off.
The saddest thing of all…. is often, you still love them. You love them but you know that loving them will only bring destruction to you and your life.
You can continue, but you will only be their puppet, their possession, their toy that they are playing with. Yes this is what you are to them, their toy. I am sure at this allegation, the sociopaths who cant keep away from this site, will be up in arms…. ‘this isn’t true’ you will claim.
Actually it is true.
It is true, because you know what, at the end of a NORMAL relationship, no matter how bad things had been, usually there is care and compassion. With the sociopath, they might be telling you that they love you that morning, by evening, they are off, as if you meant nothing at all. Yes, they can do this, even if the relationship had lasted decades.
No normal person would be like this. For most normal people, loss is a sad thing. It isn’t something that you just ‘switch off’ ah ces la vie… move on. But it is the way that it is for a sociopath.
For the victim, you are left, slain, trying to pick up the pieces of your life, whatever is left of your life (if anything at all) with battered, and shattered self esteem, doubting your own ability, while they go riding off into the sunset on a white horse, and if they were really crafty – with a sackful of your possessions, money, friends, life – anything that they stole from you with them.
Don’t apply NORMAL rules to ABNORMAL people
Sociopaths don’t think like you. They don’t hurt like you. And those tears and wailing and drama that comes with them, yes this was fake. If you left the room, they would be looking at something else, and having a chuckle to themselves.
You cannot apply normal rules to abnormal people. I hate the wording abnormal. I hate the judgement, and I hate labelling people. I guess this is what I am doing right now, labelling. I am doing this, because it is important, for you as the victim/survivor to know, that when the truth comes out, and the actions are shocking, and you see that person has no guilt, no remorse and no shame, and you are left devastated…… just know…. that there is one place that they are normal – they are normal for a sociopath.
In this sense, they will never change. They won’t change because they are being their own special brand of ‘sociopath normal’. Its all about them… no change there, it always was.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2015
Dating a Sociopath 
Nice post!
Great post 🙂 After finding new love my sociopath has been locked away in a box and the key thrown in the deepest ocean. Scares will never completely leave me, or the memories of his manipulative ways even now he thinks he can call and I’ll go running, no longer baby!!
As hard as it may be, there is life after a sociopath….
Everything will be ok!!☺️
Mine wasn’t always this bad, there were triggers that put him over the edge in a very long three years. Although there were always control issues, it was a few very large triggers that really put things in motion for every abuse you speak of. Have you knowledge in these situations?
It wasn’t that he wasnt more obvious, it was that he was better at hiding than you were at seeking it?
Your right it was always there the triggers just caused him to step up his game which made it more obvious to me. The kicker came to me one day in a burst of reality. I was a crumpled mess yet again and he turned and smiled at me. It was like being slapped right upside the head and in that very moment I knew there was no hope for him.
Thanks again for being here.
Amen! Couldn’t be more true.
Great advice. Even if they come back with their heart in their hands, it’s just smoke and mirrors. Once you know what you’re dealing with, maintaining your distance is the best defense.
yes, but do this in a smart positive way otherwise you spend your life – defending them and their own attacks on you.
This post pretty much sums up my relationship with my sp in a nutshell. He shut down so many times, made me feel I was always “doing” something to him, it was always everyone else’s fault, the sky was falling, blah blah blah. When I finally confronted him on the phone, well, that was the last time he spoke to me. He cut off all communication, after 4 drama-filled years. And you’re right. I loved him. He would say I wasn’t “capable” of the depths of knowledge and sensuality that he had. I want to barf now. Still haven’t been able to delete the voluminous emails and chats, though. I want to remember, to have evidence, of both his “loving” words and his cutting cruelty.
Beautifully-written. Thank you, Positivagirl. I hope one day that I will be able to read your posts without crying.
awww wise owl. I too hope that you can read without crying. I so want to write the post – ‘quite frankly sir — you are a cunt’…..
Please write the “quite frankly”post,that would be aces!
😝😝. Yes
“Still haven’t been able to delete the voluminous emails and chats, though. I want to remember, to have evidence, of both his “loving” words and his cutting cruelty.”
Well-said! Six years’ worth of almost daily emails is something I’m not willing to get rid of – even if it’s just to prove to myself I wasn’t the insane one in thinking that was the most magical time of my life.
funny — before I read this , I had just posted the same thing about phone messages — it is like you have to get your head around that you were not insane!!! I can’t believe the stories are all the same. When it is time to delete you will know!! Please take care of you!!
I believe in keeping the emails and voicemails as evidence. The sociopath has already hurt you terribly, he/she wouldn’t think twice about hurting you even more.
I keep them, but don’t read through them, or replay back messages. I cant see the point in that, it doesn’t help with letting go.
Of course, you are so right!
Hi, wise owl!
I also couldn’t delete communication for about 3 months after the breakup, kept telling myself it was to remind me why we could not ever be together. It was partly true after that post breakup phase I went through where my brain kept bringing up the good memories and I had to force myself to remember the bad stuff. I was questioning my own judgement and it was a very hard week. I never read the messages again though and deleted them all a week ago. Felt a tremendous relief immediately after. I’m not saying that you should do the same, just that I know it can be hard but it also brings closure.
All the best
Thank you for your response. Don’t know what I would do without this blog. You really cut through the bs and get to the heart of it all, the reality amidst the unreality. As a trained journalist, I thought I could never be hoodwinked the way I was. I certainly have more of an understanding of how people can fall under the spell of whatever it is they are missing in life. Cruel lesson to learn so late in life. I look forward to your book!
Thanks wise owl, so much of this was written while I was traumatised. I am sure that i wouldn’t remember that level of detail now. In fact, I know I wouldn’t. How are you doing today?
Another excellent post, Positivagirl! It’s these kinds of things that keep me checking back. Even if they don’t “cure” me, they definitely help.
Two points:
1) The word “drama” – it’s the word he constantly he accused me of from the very beginning and always said he could not stand. (He replaced it with the word “meta” after it was over when I couldn’t stop myself contacting him for years because I just couldn’t “get a life” and move on.) Now I believe he hates drama so much because he causes more than enough of it himself!
2) I have always believed that deep-down, he did *not* change for the woman he dumped me for, even though he’s been living with his not-so-new partner for over six years now (longer than I knew him). But that raises the question: if they don’t/can’t change, how long can they keep up the act? Clearly she’s providing what he found out he could never get from me (i.e. financial security) and he obviously finds it too good a gig to walk away from. So, is he managing to totally hide his true self in this bizarre [for him] stable lifestyle and act “normal,” even though he’s so not?
Blackcat36
I think they keep the act up until they know for certain they have a new victim to suck the life from.
It took me 5 years to realise I was still in the same relationship I was six months in and nothing had or will progress – because they can’t. When you do question them or push them forward they throw a sh*t fit over something trivial (usually setting the partner up to blame it all on) only to act vomoassionate by coming back yet resetting the whole relationship back to day one. My ex used to do this all the time, he would come back after causing the most awful situations and tell me i was on probation. You can never progress. Sooner or later this woman will get wise, unless she is happy living that way in which case it isn’t as serious as you may believe. Remember the amount of time spent with a partner means nothing to the sp, they will walk away like they’ve known them only days. Don’t think this new partner is living the dream, they’ll be just as miserable and unhappy as you probably were. They do not have a personality swap after you are out of the picture, they can’t. Its all fake and fantasy.
The only thing that keeps a sociopath with a partner, (victim,) is that they are getting what they want from them, whatever that may be.
If the partner is wealthy or has business connections they can capitalize on, a disordered mate will do whatever it takes to retain the relationship, as long as the “supply” is flowing.
Yes you are absolutely right Joyce. I think that is where the shock comes in. That the sociopath will pretend for as long as they are getting what they want. once the flow of supply stops, they switch off. It is often only then that the victim realises, that it was just a game and they were just being used. That is really, all that you were worth them. I know the sociopath in my life would often say ‘yes but I am living on my own now, I don’t have anyone else to live off of, so I have to take care of myself’ …. he would say this quite openly, he didn’t think that there was anything wrong in this – I found it quite gross.
He’s just not done with her yet, don’t kid yourself she’s living the lie. He will keep it up until she gets wise or he finds a new source. The drama is to keep you off track.
You’re right – you can’t expect functional behaviour from someone who is so messed up that their primary goal and enjoyment in life is manipulating and destroying others. Everything they do is to control their chosen plaything until they get tired of it, then they make said plaything think it is her/his fault they want to leave. Toxic and cruel.
Sociopaths aren’t capable of authentic emotion, so if you want a relationship with that, you had better cut and run. I know, I have recovered from my ex-sp, but my eyes are wide open now.
I’ve been free of my SP for just over a year now. Thankyou so much for this site. It helps me focus and understand what happened to me. I’m slowly beginning to live my life again, although I struggle some days. I have found out a lot about myself, I am strong, an independent thinker and I can cope and I do have a life! I was told by my SP that I didnt ‘do’ anything! Well thanks to him taking away all my confidence, at the end I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t me anymore at all.
But without him in my life, all my old drives, enthusiasms and interests have returned.
Im the one who’s ‘normal’ again. Thank you thankyou thank you for this site, it’s so valuable in helping recovery. I don’t know if I would be doing so well without it.
Xxxx
Hi countrygirl, and welcome to the site. They do that, they chip away at your confidence and your self esteem. Even the ones who seem ‘nice’ do that, they are so absolutely draining. You are right, without him, your life, your old drives enthusiasms and interests start to come back, because you are no longer being emotionally hijacked. Keep going, the further you walk, the more energy comes back to you!!! 🙂
Mmm…. I’ve heard that less than 3% of sociopaths can be cured.
Yes they up the anti,when things don’t go their way,leaving you brainwashed. I’ve tried doing the nice approach with my ex,I’ve tried being angry,none works. He says he’s accepted we’re over… But putting every obstacle in the way. I’ve had it… And don’t know what,or where to turn,just to get him out of my life.
Man… I wish I’d never set eyes on him!!!!!
Ugh, thing is they say whatever they want to serve whatever purpose at the time. Its frustrating. In the end all that you can do, is just focus your energy onto you. Otherwise you just get sucked into their bullshit.
Hmm …. More chance of curing double ebola with black death thrown in methinks 😳
Wowza — spot on — I just was expressing this just this week. I have come to the realization that nothing in my 8.5 yrs with my soc was real. Not the love he proclaimed , or anything he did for me , or anything he said — if his lips were moving he was lying!! And above the “I love you” he told me that even after he actually admitted he was seeing someone else and went on like nothing changed.
It is almost three years later and I still have the phone messages he left me at that time. Why you may ask? Because it was so unreal to me , I almost want to prove to myself that I was not crazy, he really did say that and I keep thinking I may need to prove it to someone some day!! I have not listened to them for a very long time now, but they are there for my backup & protection. Does that sound dumb??? I just think my mind was so fried by the time he ran away from home, that I just can’t believe everything that went down!!
Did you keep the messages for your back up and protection, or…. because you were scared to let go, just in case?
Yes, absolutely you are right, I think that is the most shocking thing of all. That none of it is real. They do such a good job of faking it. When they move on, without a care in the world, it can feel quite surreal. It really is the biggest mind trip.
You say you cant believe everything that went down – you know – that IS the truth, it isn’t believable. You were sucked into the sociopaths fairytale world. A mythical magical world, that is created and directed by them. Other people are merely players in this world. Your normality and his, are totally different.
Go on … do it…. get rid of those messages, as they belong only in a mythical magical world created by the sociopath, let it go, it will help you to grow! 🙂
I am not scared to let go– I think at the beginning I kept them for that reason, but today I keep them to remind myself I AM NOT INSANE!! Like I said I have not listened to them for a long time. The more time goes on , the more I just look at the whole relationship as one big nightmarish dream that lasted for over 8 yrs!!
Hello all,
I tried to explain to my baby girl, daddy is 36, you can not change him, he is who he is, he will say and do what ever it takes to get his way, then go back to being his normal rotten self. She is getting it, ahe just wants the perfect daddy ever, my son, ✋, he is like hell no, I am sick of your shit! There is no hope for you.
My daughter, the beacon of hope is dimming. Very sad, shes 13, hes 11.
NIBSIH
They don’t change, they just go round in circles 😦
Must be so hard seeing your children hurt by his antics, all they want is a father. All he wants to do is own, control and play stupid games 😦
No, he wants to use them as pawns to hurt me, i hope they see it soon, the boy does, the girl, she still is clinging to the “hope”! When thats gone, i may feel sorry for him, she is ruthless!
😦 he is such an asshole. How is your back?
My neck, its barely holding my head up! Lots of rest.
Awww poor you 😦
U catch my other comment?
Yes, brilliant!
Story, which describes my ex-perfext.
So the snake wanted to cross the river, so the snake asked the man to carry the snake, the snake promised the man he wouldnt bite him if he would do the snake this favor, so the man, put the snake in his pocker and carried him across the river, now as the man was carefully putting the snake down on the grass, after the safely got across, the snake bit the man! The man cried out, “Snake why did you bite me after I carried you across the river and didnt let you drown?”. The snake replied “You knew what I was when you picked me up, I am a snake!”
NIBSIH.
hahahaha OMG that is brilliant, where did you get that from? Who wrote it? YES this is exactly like it is with them, Exactly to a T.
@normal-
You might want to consider taking them to family therapy. Kids can be persuaded and duped like other people. No matter how much we love them, they can easily be used as pawns.
If you decide to do so, make sure to find a therapist who is familiar with sociopathic relationships.
Wishing you the best with your kids!
Joyce
Most enjoyable read. Plenty famiar. 😝
Excellent post! They use the same script, it doesn’t matter on what part of the planet they are. The time that their “relationship” last doesn’t have anything to do with them, it’s just that their “victim” doesn’t know how to get out of the insanity and the belief that he will change. For me, it was almost 2 years when I was 18 and then twenty years later I thought maybe he changed…yes, he is now an expert…three long years have passed until I figured the monster that sleep at my bedside. And a year later I’m on a better place, knowing that I was addicted to his “good side fantasy” and that I have to remain far away from his poisonous effect. I too keep some of his messages, texts and voicemails and revisited them every time that I fantasized about “only if…” it is as a bath of reality where I can see who he really is, Pinochio, a child without a soul, without a heart and without a conscience.
Funny you mention Pinochio… I got a wooden marrionet doll for xmas from my ex… She was as good a liar as he was, if not better. :0/
Hmm yes….. now if only their nose continued to grow the more that they lied.
They are Pinochios without Jimmy Cricket (conscience) and without a fairy (heart)
Oooh clever!!!! I like – my type of story telling!!! 🙂
That is soooo true. Never saw it that way.
I totally understand about trying to get back to the good side fantasy. The good, exciting, passionate side lasted about 5 months until I was hooked, totally adored him and available to be at his beck and call. The following 18 months I spent trying to recapture the good times, trying to become a better girlfriend, trying to understand what I had done wrong. Not only was I an emotional wreck, questioning myself, my opinions and my life but physically I looked awful and my hair started to fall out. I seemed to be living a life fuelled by bad adrenalin.
Thankfully a year free of his toxic-ness ( not sure that’s a word!) Im looking healthier and my hair is growing back. Before him, I had never even heard the term sociopath. In one way I’m glad I now know, but sad I had to learn the hard way.
I had the same thing. 1st 4 months were amazing… Best 4 months in a relationship ever. I asked her to marry me. The moment we moved in together… Chaos… I went from being on top of the world to wanting to hide in a cave and never come out. She destroyed me. The following 7 months were up and downs of gaslighting, broken promises and fake apologies. I saw the patterns. I asked many times for change and it never came. I was stuck there with nowhere to go, thank God i finally found a way out. Its hard to get over soneone you love even after they hurt you… Its human. I swear i was just like you… Never knew what the hell a sociopath was lol so everything you wrote could have been written by me. Im glad your doing well! Im 3 months out and NC and the NC will stay as is… Im forgiving myself and finding self closure. You can go to my page and read some of my poetry and let me know if yoy relate to some of it… Have a few on sociopaths there. Take care of yourself always 🙂
I think what is really hard, is that you love them, and it is hard to walk away from someone that you love. You remember the beginning and how they CAN be (should they choose to) – and that is what hurts the most – they CAN – but they choose not to.
It feels like everything you have done for them is thrown back in your face. The only reason that they were being ‘nice’ that you perceived as genuine love was because of what they could get from you. That sudden ‘switch off’ is painful. Really painful, it isn’t that they switched off loving you – just that they stopped pretending,
Yes – you are right, the biggest obstacle to overcome is to forgive yourself for loving someone who was never capable of giving you back what you would give to them.
They are emotional and physical vampires. I lost a lot of weight to the point that I looked sick, I developed asthma and tension headaches and was always wondering ”
what I did wrong? ¿what will happen now? ¿has he wake up at a good or bad humor? Do I have the phone at my side to answer it if he calls? – if I didn’t answered it was always a new reason to a big tantrum- ¿ Today I will walk over eggshells? ” now I see I was his voluntary hostage.
Yes they do make you sick. They suck the life out of you, until you cant think anymore. I felt brain dead. I couldn’t think. Energy was either spent with him bombarding me on the phone, in real life, he talked and talked non stop, so I couldn’t think, the rest of the time was false accusations, stalking and then there was the drama. I was exhausted. I like that NMI – voluntary hostage – I would often yell – I FEEL LIKE A PRISONER AND YOU ARE MY WARDEN… I AM NOT YOUR PRISONER. Would tell me what time I had to go to bed, if I had mascara on would be ‘where have you been’ …. hacking my computers = just to be nosy. Yes, hostage is a good word… as that is exactly how it feels.
OMG, that’s crazy! My former closest friend (who I lost because I was unable to get over him) called him an “emotional vampire” from the very beginning. Guess she knew what he was, without using the term sociopath (which of course sounds so much scarier). As I’ve said previously, he constantly bashed me for “drama” and being too emotional when the actual truth is, he loved when he evoked that in me… Maybe because he couldn’t feel all those strong feelings himself.
Yes you are absolutely right. They get off on feeding off of your emotions. Sometimes they deliberately set up situations to raise your anxiety. Often this is about control (usually) other times they like to play with people, just for fun. As they don’t have the same level of emotions, and are calculated fuelled by the mind, and not emotionally, they are always one step ahead of the game. Trust your inner feelings, they are probably right. Don’t doubt yourself.
It destroys my heart that #1 there are people like this in the world #2 that I was in love with a person like this #3 that I was used because of my good heart and empathy for her personal gain.
And still I cant find it in my broken heart and soul to hate this person that I fell so deep in love with. But each day that passes I feel better, im doing my best to move on, make life changes and to forgive myself. The chaos still exists that was left behind, im just here to do my best to move on. Thank you so much for all your posts, they help… They teach me something new to focus on. It all helps the process.
Dig deep Sammy and keep on grinding . It gets easier eventually as your brain unscrambles itself .👍👍
Sammy Silva, everything will be better. Just give it time and a lot of “no contact” you will find that the best part of you was just hiding, trying to not be touched by the storm.
Dear Sammy,
I feel for you. I know that my goal is to not have any feelings for that person, I want to feel indifferent because hate is destructive and I do not want to hold on to that. I’ve learned my lessons and forgave myself for that huge mistake of letting someone treat me so badly but the one thing that I cannot let go of is the fact that my ex is the position of power at her job and she can potentially destroy the lives of hundreds of people on a whim, not just those she dates throghout her life but those she has to deal with at work on a daily basis. Every time I think about that I just want to condemn the society we live in for not recognising how damaging it can be to give power to such people.
The whole *time* thing is just weird. I can’t get my head round the idea of spending YEARS so intimately entangled with someone, only for them to discard you like a piece of trash and move in with someone else immediately. Apparently I meant nothing, our past means nothing. The only thing that matters is the *reality* he’s living now, which is completely the opposite of what he had with me. In fact, he always insisted he could never live that sort of life again! He was divorced after a brief marriage years before I met him – he had knocked up a fellow college student and “did the right thing” – and said he’d never settle down with anyone ever again… Yeah right, *that’s* why he never moved in with me! (sarcasm intended) Looking back, he knew he was my entire world. I needed to believe everything he said. I suppose in a way I was “an enabler” by never insisting things progress since I was so happy with ‘how much’ I got from him.
But I honestly never saw that ending coming, I never thought him capable of totally eliminating me from his life. For years, he made a point of feigning kindness and caring. Now I think it’s because he was still hedging his bets and not sure she’d stay with him. He wanted to keep me on a very long leash, just in case. Well now it looks like he feels 100% safe with her. That ice-cold “never contact me again” meant he finally has no need of me anymore.
I’m finding it very hard to believe there will ever be a reason for him to split with her since it’s been so long… Wait, that’s what I thought too – circular logic. Somehow I have to believe he could move on from her as easily as he moved on from me, because she is *not* “better” than me, that is *not* why I got rejected and she “won.”
Hi Blackcat, I just wanted to let you know (as I’m sure you already do) that you are totally NOT alone! Last month my bf of 4 years (lived together for 3.5) up and moved in with some random drunk he met on FB of all places! I went thru the exact same thing as you, baffled by the thought of him being able to kick me to the curb without thinking twice about it and acting as if I was just some stranger off the street that he had no history with. For 2 weeks I beat myself up trying to figure out what I did, why she was better and worth throwing 4 years down the drain, etc. because I was also blindsided by him doing this, just like you. I also hated thinking about the fact that they both thought that “she won” and I lost since he was with her. One day it clicked, she didn’t win, I did because I am free of the manipulation and everything that came along with him. You also won although it may take some time to realize it. You are so much better off without someone like that in your life. I can’t really explain it but for me, it took a couple weeks to get over this “hump” in the grieving process but once I did, I felt like every little bit of progress I made fueled and motivated me to push further and make more progress to distance myself from him. I’m not sure how recently this happened to you but I really hope you are able to overcome everything sooner than later and realize that you are NOT to blame. He was like that before you and will continue to be that way after you in every relationship. He won’t change and every relationship will eventually suffer the same fate in one way or another, sometimes it just takes a while for it to happen.
I hope you have a good weekend, please let me know if you ever need to chat. 🙂
Thank you so much, kmkgirl007! Just two weeks?? You are amazing; I am sadly not. It’s been over six years for me. But I will say, in my own self-defense, that I had “no life” before I met him, so naturally literally everything fell apart after. I had just come out of a miserable 15-year marriage when I had the serious misfortune of meeting him. He knew that, too: I told him to be careful with me since I’m so vulnerable and hardly had any dating experience (married the second horrible guy I dated, ugh).
At any rate, I do have to work hard at starting to believe that new relationship will in fact *not* last forever. Someone on here said (probably positivagirl) they’ll stay with their victim until whatever they’re supplying runs out or the victim gets wise. Since she supplies financial security, that’s unlikely to ever run out. But she’s very young, probably inexperienced (like I was only because of a lengthy loveless marriage, not chronological age). I think it’s more likely she’ll wise up some day. I believe a leopard doesn’t change its spots, and although he claimed he’d totally changed with her, inside I think he’s still very much the demented angry misogynistic child he’s been all his life. He claims to love women, but it’s a cover: overcompensation for being regularly abused by his mother. And yeah, I have too big a heart so his sob story past always made me feel sorry for him, hence even more trusting and attached. God, I was naive! I wish I could have moved on and done “no contact,” but I’d honestly never heard of sociopathic dating or the ‘rules’ that go with it. 😦 All I can do is try to carry on from here.
Thanks again! ❤
Blackcat36
you say that the financial security is unlikely to run out. This isn’t true blackcat. A sociopath can drain your finances like a money tap. If you think that you could just earn more – sociopaths will prevent you from working, seeing your work, career, as a threat to them, its something that they do not have control over. Financial gain is the one thing that will always run out. The more that you have – the more there is for them to take!! 😦
Thank you, Positivagirl, I believe with you that they cannot change, whatever they may say. The only thing may be different is the financial security thing, because he loves nothing better than to be unemployed! When I knew him, he’d never held down a job for more than a year in his entire life. While I was still on speaking terms with him for the first year or so, he told me he was out of a job for four months, with his teenage daughter living there too, and she totally supported him. So it wouldn’t be in his best interest to mess with her lucrative job, or else who’d support him when he’s out of work [again]? I’m just thinking she’ll eventually get tired of supporting him. While she thinks she “won” over me and he’s worth supporting because he ‘makes it worth her while,’ wink! (great sex was his greatest asset and he knew it very well), that may start to get old as the years go by.
Oh yes he loves to be unemplkg
Ha, yes they love to be unemployed. Do you know why? When they are unemployed and have no money (especially if they are living with you) this gives them an excuse to live off of you. To drain your finances. You see, if they see your finances as something that you have and they don’t have, draining it, feeding off of it, strengthens them, and weakens you. I also agree….. sex is good, thats the killer lol
Sociopaths cannot change. They can only fake it. Pretend that they are a different person. Whatever they did to you, they will do to someone else. I spoke to his last 2 exes he destroyed them and their worlds too.
Good post. I’m a year and a few months parted from my former fiancé & it seems like a lifetime ago. The female sociopath is quite a thing! It’s all behind me after 2 years – I do remember some enjoyable times (even if they were staged managed!) My advice is to remember all the effort you put in, don’t feel bitter or angry because that was you being yourself – you can do it with someone who appreciates you for what you are. Your former partner is stuck in a cycle & they will repeat the same thing over & over. You never meant anything to them & the person they are with at the moment doesn’t either (so count yourself lucky – you’re free!) If yours is anything like mine they had awful taste in music & smelly feet anyway! Rejoice you are free – life begins! x
¡Soy libre! I’m free!
How cool is wordpress now it has ‘like’ buttons – yay!!! 🙂 🙂
Great comments. So helpful. I’ve been slowly rebuilding my life, but I’ll always carry this pain and the feeling that I hurt people close to me by letting this axxhole take over my life and keep me off balance. We grew up together. He came back into my life on FB when I was at the lowest point in my marriage and work life and perimenopausel. He is so smart and manipulative. He used his knowledge of me, my empathy, my life, to crawl inside, and once there, he was like a razor. The sweet boy I thought was there from childhood had morphed into something else. He made me feel stupid and inadequate. I wish I had never heard of FB. It really is dangerous for the vulnerable, trusting, gullible. Me.
Wise Owl- almost identical to my story… Low point in my marriage etc. Knew him as a kind, fun young man twenty years before, contacted me through FB. I too feel so guilty for the pain I caused others in my life for allowing myself to be taken over by this man. I haven’t used FB since. I feel it’s such an easy tool for predators to use to track vunerable people down.
I hope you are rebuilding your life and don’t still feel gullible. It wasn’t your fault. Xx
WiseOwl and Countrygirl, please don’t beat yourselves up because you were approached through fb (a website I personally don’t believe in or use for different reasons – ehem, Mark Zuckerberg, total control freak). Anyway, I’ve mostly met the men I’ve dated post-divorce through the internet because it’s just been much easier. However, my one and only sociopath who stabbed me in the back and left me to bleed out, I met in REAL LIFE! And I always said real life is *so much better* than the internet… So you see, it’s not about where we cross paths with these people. You can be in the wrong place at the wrong time just as easily in public as you can online.
A very true story, it was back in 2010, a friend was living with me. I wasn’t looking to date anyone. But low, so she had joined a dating site, I joined there too…. just for something to do. We would laugh how these guys would send multiple messages saying the exact same thing – to me – and her!!! …. anyway, it was at that time, that I had a message from a guy that seemed a bit strange. I didn’t reply, he had photos of him with his dog, something just wasn’t right. I didn’t think about it, as I didn’t want to meet anyone. A month or so later I was out with my friend. I met this guy in a club. It was only later – when he added me on facebook, that I realised that he was the same person who had contacted me on the dating website. This man was to really emotionally abuse me, when I write about severe emotional abuse, often I write with him in my mind, he was in my life for over a year. It was meeting the one afterwards who displayed the exact behaviour patterns, that taught me – and from that the truth set me free. So …. yes you are right, don’t beat yourself up about meeting someone online – as i dismissed that one – and met him in real life anyway!!! A lot of what he did to me, I write about here today.
Thankyou Blackcat, I guess at some stage I will join the dating game again, but I’m not ready yet. Too worried about being a target again and missing the red flag warnings. Not strong enough at the moment. One thing though, when I’m ready, I’ll be on my guard in the real world and the Internet. As you say, you can be in the wrong place…..
Still won’t rejoin FB though. Too much information shared by others which gives a snapshot of your life. An ‘all you can eat buffet ‘ to a sociopath ‘friend ‘😈.
Positivagirl, that’s no ‘coincidence’ you met the same man both online and in real life — I don’t think there are coincidences anyway. Also it sounds like you had two traumatic experiences in a row as well, which leads me to believe either I have the word “victim” tattooed on my forehead or these types of monsters can spot soft-hearted overly trusting people a mile away.
Three in a row for me blackcat, but I was traumatised. I didn’t give myself enough time to recover. I think its important to give yourself time to heal and recover, and not to jump into another relationship until you are back to strong. Well, that is what i think…
Positivagirl, I thought I was the absolute “luckiest” girl in the world to go from a 15-year long miserably unhappy marriage where I felt like a prisoner, to meeting the “love-of-my-life” during the separation! No one and nothing in the world would have kept me from pursuing him to the ends of the earth after we met (sadly, it was what I firmly believed to be love at first sight, and it’s what he said as well as how he looked). Looking back, I would not have listened to anyone’s advice about “healing” from the long bad marriage first, especially since I felt like I had wasted so much time unhappy. But now, I feel like it just extended my misery indefinitely. Just insanely bad luck meeting him after all those years of suffering. Pretty unbelievable that some people seem to have all the luck meeting the “Mr. Right” types in their lives, and then there’s me: all I seem to run into are “Mr. Wrongs.”
Having been in a toxic relationship does not always protect us from falling prey again. But when we do, we are quicker to recognize the signs and locate the exit door.
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
You’re welcome Countrygirl, and don’t worry, there’s no need to take on a new relationship soon or even ever. For years, I desperately wanted to jump into another relationship, but no one came close to ‘measuring up’ (in the good ways, which were mostly physical/sexual to be quite honest). But since all this time has passed and no one has, I’m thinking maybe it’s just as well. I sure never want to be that blinded by love ever again!
Hi Pos 🙂
Another great post to add to your list 🙂
Sociopaths think they are normal & that we are the abnormal ones.
I remember some of my Soc’s conversations etc…mainly self proclamations really.
“I am not like any other man you have ever had!” A statement to me but, a fact to him. (he was stating fact for sure!).
“Most men (emphasis on Most) think with their dicks but, I think with my mind & am not guided by my dick???”
I translated the above initially as part of the perception I had, of his great power of self control but, in hindsight he is a Somantic Sociopath that does think with his dick which is connected to his brain & bypasses the heart!
Everyone is viewed by him as inferior & ‘handicapped’ as, he often said to me.
He said & did operate under extreme stress as, he could detach from the crisis (no empathy) but, others could not. This is why he is very efficient in organising his underlings & controlling them.
I think the great sex etc…is because they are animalistic & need to satisfy themselves at will & at random. If the mood takes them, they take what & who they desire. We have all seen this.
I don’t always think that they come to hurt initially?
They just take someone or something they want to conquer or own. Once they have engaged with their prey, they cannot contain themselves with excitement which soon spirals into boredom of the conquest being won. So, as we know then the games begin to entertain themselves. We are objects of desire, fascination, they observe us to learn. Mine watched me intently once when I was upset & it reminded me of an animal watching my face, tilting his head & trying to understand my reaction. Even then I thought it was odd & primal.
To them, we are jigsaw puzzle’s to figure out but, once they have all the pieces then they mess it up & start again.
As the jigsaw gets more complicated or a piece is missing they keep deconstructing it & then leave it unfinished or, start the discard.
Especially if you no longer amuse, supply or are acting out against them.
It’s up to us to find the pieces & put the original masterpiece back together albeit with different eyes & different approaches. Like a jigsaw puzzle, we start with the corners & edges & work inwards.
I found all my pieces & I hope everyone here does too! 🙂
The Sociopath is not a wonderful jigsaw puzzle, just squares on a crazy rubiks cube & once you figure that out it’s easy!
Successful relationships with them are hopeless but, relationships with them are possible as, long as you don’t want success!
They are HOPE-LESS romantics & will never be satisfied ever!
We however can be satisfied with us. We can be happy alone or with someone & we can have successful relationships.
We know what we want & don’t want & we can stick to it. No crossing boundaries, no accepting unacceptable, no mind fuckery, just plain old fashioned love!
Nobody is perfect except a Sociopath (their view not mine) so, that’s when you know.
Even if they present as broken & not perfect, try fixing them & soon you’ll see, they don’t want fixing, they want to break you!
No Contact or minimal is imperative.
NIBSIH I send you (((0))) abundantly 🙂 xoxo
Love & light 🙂 PR xoxo
Wow awareb4 that was a smashing post and really resonated with me. My sp did the same thing,watched me like a hawk and followed me around like a puppy.At the time I thought it was adorable…now I see it wasn’t a compliment he just ‘ needed’ to monitor my every move.I remember the day before he left telling him he made me feel like a prisoner,like a pet or a belonging and it’s true!
Am 15 days ‘in’ and for the first time today I feel ok,not brilliant,not healed BUT ok…and that will do at the moment xx
This is exactly what they do…. Monitor you
Hi Laura,
It’s early days for you so, please go easy on yourself 🙂
It’s quite a journey & very individual. Take your time & read, read & read everything you can here & you will work your way to finding you. Afterall, that’s what it seems to be all about.
Love & Light to you on you path to awareness 🙂
Ha yes they say that….. ‘Not like any other man …. And you will never find someone else like me’ i often thought heck thats the point.
Yes & if I ever hear anyone say “I am not like other’s” you will not see me for dust! Lol 😉
Yeah, I got that line too. Along with “stop projecting your shit from….”
How about the line: I know you better than you know yourself?
Ha yes they say that!!! 🙂
Yup… But the irony is, I always said [to myself, and still do] I know him better than he knows himself!!
You ‘might’ be right there blackcat. But I don’t know….. as can you really ever know them? It isn’t as if they are open and honest?
Don’t delude yourself thinking you know him, if you ever did really know one his tactics would not work on you, they are ever evolving to suit the situation and or the victim. You know what he is , enough said.
I was so sucked into the dream world that I didnt even see any devaluation or lies .Loads against other but none against me. Only when she just dumped me to move in the new victim did I see something amiss.Four weeks later and after the fog I can believe how blind I was.She lied manipulated friends and family and even told my youngest sons disabled nurse he was getting worse and I couldnt cope.I actually sat back last night and tried to think of some way she had gone out of her way to help me without me asking………………………………………nope fail.
Funny thing is she inherited £100000 , bought her mums ex council ( fraudulantly in her mums name )house and got me to do it up…………….what did I get……………….nope fail.
They cannot be normal appart from to all the people that havnt got a clue.The friends she abandoned and lied to are now all back fusing about like old hens …good griet.
As for the 100 grand…………..she had to borrow 1000 of me to fix her car.
Well as I havnt got it back it looks like a gift now
For the sake of truth, I must admit I’m envious of the women that got this excessive love=bombing! plus all the return hoovers. While we broke up quite a few times, it seems i was the one begging and he reluctantly came back along with more stipulations. (i.e. as long as you don’t start pulling your sh#t again with me)o
I never knew what this “sh#t” i was pulling really was. Of course i was annoying him if i kept trying to find out what he meant.
I need more info on dealing with the ‘new supply’ and their perfect happy life. 2 years later of NC and still wish i was with him. I know that if I had more assets (looks, money, status) he would not have left. Now its like pure hate from him, whereas if i had any value he would have been fake civil or friendly. Instead I’m still degraded and will be forced to move even farther away to have a chance to start over without a toxic environment. Sucks.