I have lost count of the amount of emails that I have received from people who have said that they had an affair with what they believed to be a sociopath, that they were having an affair behind their partners back. Often this is also combined with the fact that the sociopath that they became involved with, works with them too.
Why do sociopaths target married or attached people?
You might think, if they are so controlling, charismatic and charming, why would they want to obtain someone who is with someone else? If the victim was so in love, why did they cheat?
First of all, remember what it is that the sociopath loves most of all?
1. Winning
2. Being in control
What better way is there for them to achieve BOTH of those things, than by targeting a married/attached person in the workplace? Not only can they ‘win’ the victim from their partner, they can also use the threat of exposure BOTH in the workplace, AND threats of informing the partner to enable to them to retain control.
Remember that the sociopath has a secret radar, and is an opportunist, they are always listening out for information that you readily give away, ready to capture their next victim. The sociopath knows that if they target you in the workplace, this is somewhere that they can have and retain full control over you, and you will find it very difficult to escape.
- You won’t want to be exposed to your work colleagues/bosses and look unprofessional
- If they are also attached, this makes it highly unlikely that they would be exposed and found out
- They can retain control over you. Even after the relationship has ended, causing you to constantly live in fear
- They see you every day at work, see your interactions with others, see how you operate, the things you say the way that you work.
- As you only see the sociopath in the ‘work’ situation, it is easy for them to be whoever they want you to see, as you don’t get to see their real life, real family/friends. They can feed you the story of how they are unhappy at home, likely how much of a hero they are, that they only stay …. because…. (often the children, or their sick partner), how their partner is the bad one
- They listen out for subtle clues that you give away. So if you are complaining about your current partner, what your partner is NOT providing, they take mental note, then enjoy the opportunity to be everything that your partner is not
- Knowing that you will not be able to expose them, without looking unprofessional, if they are using you for any kind of supply, they can continue to do so. They know that you will have no choice but to ‘put up and shut up’ or ‘leave and get another job’.
What to do if you are in this situation
In some senses, you are trapped. Likely you will find it difficult to escape as the sociopath has blackmail and personal knowledge that can and will be used against you to threaten you with, they will always have this if you continue to work in the same place as them. Constantly you live in fear of exposure. No contact is hard if you choose to end the relationship, as you are forced to be in contact with them for business reasons, and this will enable them to remain in control of you, controlling you through fear.
There are many people who want to get out of the relationship, but know that they are stuck, and unable to leave the relationship, if the sociopath does not want the relationship to end. You would become aware, that you risk losing everything if you were exposed.
- Current relationship
- Employment
- Finances
- Home
- Reputation
Yes it might feel that you have dropped into an absolute nightmare. Often people go into these relationships not ever having heard of a sociopath. Not knowing what they are, they are reassured that this can only be a genuine connection, after all, often they are risking the same as you, their relationship, employment, finances, home and reputation.
The sociopath knows that none of this is true, and that they have the upper hand. If you choose to have an affair with a workplace sociopath, be prepared for a very bumpy ride ahead, should you choose NOT to be with them anymore (and they don’t want to let you go).
One thing to bear in mind
Sociopaths love to THREATEN, by threatening you they hold the upper hand. Once they have carried through with their threat they lose control, as there is nothing further for you to lose.
People write to me and ask me how they can make this situation better? They say that they admit that they have made a mistake and want to end the affair, but are scared. They wonder how they can minimise the damage to their life.
Remember that sociopaths control through fear, and manipulate using fake love and flattery.
What to do if you are in this situation
First of all you need to take personal responsibility for your actions. No matter how seducing, and enticing the sociopath was towards you, it was you that gave information that highlighted weaknesses in your current relationship (nobody else can get in, unless you leave the door open)
It was you that cheated on your partner
It was you that (if relevant) broke company policy by having relationship within the workplace
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
It is so easy to seek answers of what to do, now that they realise that their partner was a sociopath. They look for answers of ways to get the sociopath off of their back. They look for answers that will say that the sociopath is the bad person etc, basically looking to place the blame elsewhere.
This is one time that you need to take ownership, possession and control of your own misgivings, and realise that you were the one who chose to have an affair. You took those risks.
Once you have taken responsibility you bring back the focus to you. If you continue to look to blame them, you will be looking for an easy way out.
The truth is that that there IS no easy way out. This is one time in life, where you have to take personal responsibility.
If the sociopath doesn’t want to let you go, they WILL threaten you with exposure. Whether this is said, or unsaid, they will threaten you and cause you to live in fear.
This is one time that you have to take responsibility for your actions
Sociopaths don’t have respect for that much. Hey they even struggle with self respect, they don’t respect anyone that breaks the ‘moral code’ and there is nothing that they love best, than to cause you to live in fear, make you squirm and feel uncomfortable. They won’t be feeling the same way as you do, as they know:
- You would be unlikely to expose them, as this would expose you
- Quite frankly they don’t really care if you did. They are pathological liars, and if you did expose them, they would lie far better than you.
What to do if you are in this situation
The best hope would be if you have information that you know you can hang on the sociopath, if they exposed you and to make sure that they know this . This would need to be additional to the fact that they broke office policy, and/or they cheated on their partner.
While they like to be in control of others, and thrive on controlling others, they also take great pride in the occasions when they manage to control themselves and hate to lose control. Remember the sociopath is the greatest hypocrite on earth, while they love to have control over others, they hate losing control.
- Do not display emotions (they feed off of this)
- Look to see if you can transfer to work elsewhere
- Prepare for a bumpy ride ahead, unless you don’t actually mind being exposed
- If you think’it can’t get worse’ believe me, it could, don’t be complacent. Sociopaths are very good at ‘killing’ their victims at the end, absolutely destroying you, and your world, and making themselves look good. No doubt they have already thought through the possible scenarios and what they would say. They think fast, and are probably more convincing liars than what you are. They would say anything about you, to make themselves look better, and would play victim, creating further trouble for you.
- Think about your own relationship, the value that you have with your relationship. Would you have an affair if it was a relationship that you were happy in? While you might not want to hurt your partner, think about whether they deserve to know this information – would you want to know? I would.
- Remember that the sociopath is probably unlikely to actually tell your partner (they might) – but they are unlikely to, if they have a partner themselves. If they don’t the risk that they could expose is higher. However, sociopaths thrive more on ‘threats’ than actually carrying out those threats. Once they have carried out the threat, yep your life is destroyed, but they no longer have control over you.
- Remember that No Contact is healing, and this can be difficult to achieve in the work place. Again, for your own sanity, it might be a positive for you to look at seeking employment elsewhere.
- If you are forced to work with them. Do not display emotions. Only talk business, and keep it professional. Do not allow them to see that you are unnerved.
- Do not continue the affair, to keep the sociopath happy and to stop them from exposing you.
- Do not talk about it in the office – if you do, the sociopath is likely to use this thread of truth, to twist the truth, and make you look bad (other people would think it IS true what they are saying, as they recall the part of the truth that you told them)
Take responsibility for your actions. Keep a calm head, and focus not on what could go wrong, and what they could do to you (living in fear) instead address what you can do, to put things right. How can you make this situation better? What would make it better for you? Often, getting another job, is the only option, for peace of mind, and your own sanity, and being able to work, earn a living, and not live in constant fear of exposure.
What are your thoughts? Have you been in this situation? Did you overcome it? What did you do to overcome it? What happened?
Do you know someone that that this happened to? Or how did it feel to you, if your partner was the sociopath who had an affair in the workplace?
Post Edit:
Doh! I just realised that I didn’t answer what the actual title was!! ‘Why do so many sociopaths target married/attached people?
The short answer is
- Because they can
- They have a sense of entitlement and think that they are better/more superior to anyone else
- When you are attached, they have something over you, to report you to your significant other
- They don’t have respect for people who cheat. (despite they can do this themselves) – we know they are hypocrites and a false sense of morality, so feel justified to ruin you – or threaten to
- They enjoy being in control and winning – taking someone from someone else, achieves this, they take you from someone else, they win your emotions from someone else, there is no greater prize than this!
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2015
Dating a Sociopath 
We (current wife & sister of socio) discovered multiple affairs he had with co workers (and others) after ending relationships/implementing NO CONTACT but neither party was aware he was married or in a committed relationship. This went as far back to pre online social media days when people did not publicize their lives and when technology became available he did not even acknowledge his relationship status as being “married” and made certain his wife did not even have any social media accounts. He was very manipulative and controlling. It was easy for him to get away with so much.
Yes my one would make sure that I wasn’t on his social networking sites. He did this, by constantly accusing me of ridiculous things on my own social media, so that I would ‘block him’ …. then he was free. Manipulative and controlling – exactly what I experienced too.
I dated a sociopath too and dey r similar in most of the aspects.I met him at work in 2011 Nov.I was at that time in a long distance relationship which was not working .He was my colleague and got to know I am going through a rough time in my relationship . He seemed interested in me even before that but I had kept him informed that I like someone .. I cnt forget 19th November the most unfortunate day I agreed to go out with him .. Last night I had cried .. I didn’t know where my previous relationship was heading and then my S called me checking if this time I will agree to go with him .. And I agreed.. Went in the morning with tears in my eyes and came back with a big smile .. Yes this is what sociopaths do initially when you just enter relationsships. Most charming man I had met in my life .. Respected me , loved me like noone ever had .. Called me every second .. I was always on call/ping with him .. Soon we became inseparable ..he wud send songs and poems for me this is how my day used to start .. I wud wake up with a smile on my face and phone in my hand ..then go to work where I wud meet the man of my dreams and felt I am the luckiest girl on this earth.Within 8 days he told me he loved me and wanted to spend my life with him and justified his desire to move quickly by saying he doesn’t wnt to fool around and want to get married as he has met the woman of his dreams..I was still confused then he plotted something .. He told me he has got selected for army and soon will be leaving the city ..I ,like a fool, cried and cried and told him I need him and stopped him from going to military which he anywaz was never going to and this is how I went even closer to him.. Trust me I am a sensible strong and independant woman don’t know how this happened to me .. It cn happen to anyone you shud always look out for such people to prevent injury to ur self respect , finances and your soul .. So soon I was hooked .. One day I was flipping through photographs and saw d pic of a girl he had sent saying she was the girl who broke his heart ( this is how sociopath play pity games and make all their exes sound crazy) and I realized this picture is of his own real sister as by that time I had met her .. Not just this she was wearing the pendant he had gifted me .. I felt numb for sometime then confronted him .. He cried and said he never had any girl in his life so sent his sisters picture just like that .. And pendant he didn’t even agree said he bought 2 one for me one for his sister .. Later when I met her I came to know it’s hers .. And returned it ..by then I had caught him in many small big lies .. His father was not at the rank in the army he told me .. His mom had a different religion than he had told me ..and his sister was not dating the guy he told horrible stories about .In addition to that one of his friend he told he did mba with didn’t study with him and one of his friend he claimed is married was still a bachelor .. I was almost going crazy and that day I fought with him and made it clear we are not gonna be together .. He then didn’t contact me for some 45 mins.. Then I received ping from my best friend that he has attempted suicide I panicked and blamed myself for it .. While me and my friend were trying to gt in touch with him ,funny but she received ping regarding suicide from his phone only saying its his sister who has his phone and he is unconscious ..calls were going unanswered and we felt helpless.. Finally got to know he is alright .. I spoke to his sister in the evening general stuff not even once she mentioned suicide and I realized it was a drama .. Anywaz I was hooked by then and went back to him .. We used to go on long drives and crossed his home many times (nt the actual but the one he showed to me saying its his)I insisted I want to see it he had some or the other reason and always changed the topic .. Then when we completed 6 months in the relationship he took me to his home ..nt the same house but his real house.. I asked about the house (villa kind) he had always showed and he said it’s his grandfathers house and his grandfather threw his family out in a chilly night ( how sad !) Then met his family felt like they were looking for a scapegot to tie their son to .. They were happy finally there is a fool who has accepted their son and they all tried to trap me .. I was fully under their trap .. He started drawing money from me to drop his mom home , for his car which had met accident for petrol for other stuff.. He never used to plan only fake promises that he has booked a table for us in a fancy hotel to discover at the last moment nothing ever was planned .. I ended up paying for all our dates and ended up planning too .. He was never interested in planning.. He lied about quitting smoking for me ..I caught him smelling of smoke he wud luk straight into my eyes and deny it .. He wud lie about all smaLl and big things and ultimately I started ignoring them to find peace in life .. I remember him telling horrible stories about his father , mom, sister , our colleagues , his friends , his supervisor .. I don’t remember if he ever said anything positive about any human being .. It reminds me he lied about having a dog also at home .. He never had any dog .. M sure I am not able to recall most of the lies , drama that happened .. I ws confused but there was a lot of pressure on me from his family for marriage and I gave in to the pressure and told my family about this guy .. They were totally against it and I started convincing them for it .. One day when I was very sad ( which he ofcourse knew about) my dad my mom all had stopped eating I was crying whole day .. He did express how sad he is luking at my condition but next day I met him had his phone in my had found out the same day I was going through shit convincing parents to marry him he was watching porn in his phone .. I ws devastated .. He seemed to have no emotions .. Once I remember him mentioning to me he wud not get his own daughter married to a guy like him who is selfish , a liar ..anywaz I started feeling more unsure about him and told him that I am convincing my parents but not sure of u .. He panicked and involved his parents .. Things between families became ugly and it was called off as he said horrible things about me to his family .. I feel at times his mother also is a NPD the way she behaved with me when things went bad .. We broke up by god’s grace but I was too blinded in love to see good has happened to me ..and kept in touch with him for 7 months post that .. Its when his true colors came out .. The mask of a sociopath slips when ur discarded . He told me about his 10 girlfriend in the past ..treated me like a piece of shit .. Robbed me of my self respect .. Who earlier made me feel the most beautiful woman on earth .. I had started feeling ugly .he stopped picking my calls .. I had to see a counsellor and told him .. He shouted at me when I ws crying on phone pleading to him begging him to become how he was in the beginning ..he lied that he has not got car to the office so that he doesn’t have to pick me and take me out ..I felt unloved .. I cudnt sleep at night was not able to understand how this so in love with me guy has become so unloving and cruel ? In Aug 2013 he left me totally for gud .. I keep hearing from people how he keeps sending different different girls’ pics telling them he is getting married to them and everyone laughs at him .. I have received card , mails , messages and a fake engagement card since he left me completely but I didn’t react to any of it .. I am out of it now ..what helped me get out was when we broke up I luckily got my role changed to another floor and I totally avoided going to where he was sitting .. My situation was different as he had discarded me .. So it was more like me trying to stay away from me for my sanity not coz he wudnt leave me alone ..6 months later god helped me he started (coz of his role change) from another building .. I can’t imagine coming out of it if he wud not hv moved to another office.. Guys change your job location whatever the casde may be he has discarded u or u want to .. M lucky I dnt have to deal with him now else I wud hv been in the same for years working in the same office .. God bless all.
I was the first single on my ex list…he admitted that he liked married women (he was married then too) because it was a thrill and he doesn’t have to make any compromise “with this kind of women”. He had affairs with one of his boss (when he had an employment), with his next door neighbor, with a woman at his gym, another one at his IronMan Team…All of them were married, with kids and all of them provide him with “gifts” as sport equipment, prepaid cards, suscriptions to a race and other things that he exhibits as trophies. ..
I know a female friend, have known her most of my life – she isn’t a sociopath (that I am aware of) nice girl, but she is always attracted to men that are taken. I bet with your ex, he felt threatened by you being the first single person he had met. As for the first time, he didn’t have that hold over you, and as they think that you are capable of doing what they do – he would have thought you would have the spare time to run off with someone else 🙂
Hi NMI,
I had the same scenario & they love to compromise everyone. The OW’s all new his wife so, they could not complain when things turned ugly etc…no-one sympathizes with the mistress.
I think Pos is right, if you cheat on your partner or the Sociopath is married then, you must take part of the blame. Be honest & take responsibility. My ex likes to go after his mates wives as well!
He also had become involved with work colleagues & one is his current victim now, among all the others!
P.S. I am really good & I hope you are too!
Love & Light to you 🙂 PR xoxo
[he] “got to know I am going through a rough time in my relationship” – There’s socio bait for sure, not your fault at all, you were just being honest and open, but it is certainly something a socio would be looking for or see as an opportunity for them to get in there and get something out of it.
Sadly it is when we are really at our most vulnerable or confused that we are also at greatest risk of letting a SP into our lives. 😦
hello positiva,
i have been in a similar situation and i would like to adress some of my thoughts. I agree with the reasons you provide about why sociopaths target married or taken people in general . What though seems a little odd to me is why a married or a person in a relationship is not to be considered a victim when targeted of a sociopath.
It is stated in the post that a married individual willingly enters the relationship with the sociopath. Well , sorry but i consider this an oversimplification. I wonder, since when all the marriages and all relationships are so happy that they do not pass rough times during which a seductive and manipulative charmer can enter and create havoc? Since when a married /taken individual has no difficult times? Who is so unsiinned to blame someone as completely rensonsible for a wrongdoing while the other person in the affair is proved to be a manipulative sociopath who actually admitted with pride his diagnosis? i wonder there are two differrent kinds of victims? the saint ones who were single in the first place and while seeking for love they fell in the claws of the socio so they are justified for everything, and then there are the sinful ones who had been so dirty to cheat to their partner so in a sense they deserve the hard time in the hands of the sociopaths?
Personally , i hate the word victim in any sense. in my case i know very well now that i show all in hindsight why i was caught in an affair with the socio. It was not becouse my relationship was bad, actually it was was great. it was becouse i was in a very difficult time in my life after a serious loss of a loving one, and other very serious issues that i do not want to adress here firstly becouse of safety reasons and second becouse i despise exposing my personal sufferings, as i am too proud to do this. Well, this guy used a very crafty way to hook me , it took years for him to do it , and i can also reassure you that even he caused me great pain, he finally epically failed. Though , he managed to emotianally harm me , he never managed to achieve his goals becouse as soon as i realised what he was doing , i kicked him to the curb and he still remains there.
i personally took rensponsibility of my part in this thing with the psycopathic scum in any way possible. i started and still continue a deep self and soul searching and healing after this and i am feeling that i start to blossom again.
But i refuse to accept from anyone that i had been a willing participant in this. I WAS MANIPULATED, period.When the mind is manipulated, and you know well how manipulative and seductive these people are, why me or any other unlucky taken individual is not be considered a victim as well?
i was the same willing participant as you have been in your relationship with the socio who caused you financial ruin , the same willing participant with the woman who is battered , with the girl who for years is emotionaly abused in the hands of a sick sociopathic boyfriend, with the wife who stays in a very bad marriage with a a sociopath due to trrauma bonds. There are actuals degrees of honor in the kind of victim somebody is?
The way i have chosen to react in the possibillity of this guy to threaten my life is with pure contempt and indifference. I did not show any fear to him and i did not feel any fear. i do not care what he will do or what he thinks. As soon as i have found myself again i am sure that i can handle enything with the most decent, intelligent and fair way. He is the one that he still tries to use his silly tricks to reenter my life. i look at him and laugh, he looks and he is rediculous. I refuse to give him the credit of naming him a potential danger. The only person who can destroy and humiliate is himself, not me. And he does this repeatedly.
A real person, a true relationship, a loving marriage can never be really destroyed by such scums. We may suffer , we may be tested , but in the end , the one who looks terribly silly is the socio. And the last thing that bothers me is whether he has respect for taken or married targets. The personal opinion of someone who lacks a true identity holds no value at all for me. i have nothing to be shamed about. i am a human who while i was in a bad period of my life i became target to a predator. That’s all. I have no shame, no fear . i am totally free and much much wiser . And he knows it, and it burns him, i am sure.
Best wishes to you for the new year
Clarity
Hi Clarity,
Best wishes for the new year to you also. I don’t think people should beat themselves up about it. Neither am I throwing rocks at anyone.
BUT….. and it is kind of a big but…. you say ‘you refuse to accept from anyone that you were a willing participant in all of this’…..
That is kind of like not taking responsibility as what about the other parties? What if he wasn’t a sociopath, would you have continued the affair, or …. ended the relatioship and did he have a partner? How would that person have felt? Risk of spread of STDs etc etc etc….
hi positiva,
what i am trying to say here is that if he was not a socioapth i would have never started the affair in the first place, let alone continue it. I had never in my life been seeking for affairs and my whole life speaks about it. And no,he did not have a partner ,he was presented himself as single, at least offficially( i have no idea what was happeninng in his secret life, he is a socio…). I would never do something with somebody taken.
This man did not come from the begining to pursue me for an affair, he came as a friend at a time of my life that i was in a very bad situation and he methodically was working me through manipulation ,patiently, for years, waiting to find a weak spot and enter my brain and my heart. So, this is what happened. i do not owe any apology to anybody but myself, as i am the ony one who suffered. All these about STD e.t,c are not serious issues to speak about of course as i was not a teenager to not know how to protect myself.
i am the same willing participant as somebody who let himself to be financially exploited by a socio and as a consequnce led his/her family to financial catastrophy.
I took and take responsibility for the fact that i was not strong enough to resist all his efforts, for nothing more. I have been working hard on this and i am very proud of myself that i am in this point of my life, completely free of shame and fear.
it is srange the fact that somebody is pointed as sinful becouse he made a slip in his life under the hands of a manipuator.Easily other people assume that he is to be blamed for everything becouuse he cheated, while nobody knows the real facts of each situation . Somebody else is considered a sacred victim just becouse he was abused in a ‘legal’ situation as marriage while he /her due to the same trauma bonds with a pathological, subjected himself and his /her children fo years in a leaving hell. it is strange how society puts the rules about towards who we are allowed to feel empathy for and who not…
Nevertheless, i am so well with myself and so proud about the way i handled the whole thing with the sociopath that these issues about the how i am viewed by society or by onlooklers hold only a scientific and sociological interest for me.
I wrote my thoughts becouse i am sure that a lot of people who are fresh in their experience might feel that they deserve to suffer only becouuse their abuse by the socioapath happened in a type of ‘Illegal’ context. This is not true . Pain is pain, abuse is abuse, and it is far more cutting when someone is sufferinng this alone and isolated due to social pressure.
love
Clarity
Aw bless you Clarity,
I am not judging you, you raise valid points. it sounds like this has been quite a tough journey for you?
What happened at the end with you and him? Are you still working with him? Did it end in a peaceful way?
I am very disappointed with this article when I found so many of the post in here useful and agree with a lot of points Clarity pointed out.
It’s a manipulation! It’s brainwashing, that simple! Whether the victims are single, married, wealthy, poor, subordinates, coworkers, supervisors you name it. Anyone is a target when they(sociopaths/psychopaths/cults) want something from you and the victims inability to be aware of your vulnerabilities to their attacks (be it a desire to be caring/helpful, going through hard things in life – it can be positive or negative traits). It a vulnerability when you are blind sighted to their manipulation! They lie and make their victims believe in their lies. Example, multiple people who my ex cheated on while with me, whom supposedly seduced him and he supposedly cheated on me because he missed me while I couldn’t spend time with him because of work. Of course he lied, I cooked, we talked every day and every day he said he love me. When I suspected something and confronted him, at first that there was anything, denied it, then when he finally confess he diminished it, then admitted it but it was always someone’s fault and his apologies were insincere although I believe it at the time. I believe that he was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Until I saw him for what he was, I was upset at the others. Also, when I finally saw, there were more he had cheated on me with I had no idea about. Does it hurt, yes. Now that I am starting to recover unlike before non contact, I feel for his other victims rather than feel upset with them. They were taken advantage of as well.
One was a volunteer for his work project, he used the poor guy, and hit on his girlfriend, in secret, of course. He was telling lies to her on how neglected he was by me, and how her boyfriend is not enough while praising her boyfriend and me in front of anyone besides her (after he got his hooks on her, before that he praised both of us to her). 3 months after my discard and no contact my ex, the boyfriend found out their “affair” (I found out he had taken advantage of her sexuality for well over a year that I was obvilious to, and had no knowledge of until just before my discard, at that point I still viewed it as an affair (the couple knew that he had me as a girlfriend for 2 years) but today I see her as a victim taken advantage of by my ex). Upon finding and his now ex who believe she left him out of her own will for my ex, the boyfriend blame himself for introducing her to my now ex sociopath/psychopath. I lend him my books on sociopaths by Dr. Hare and Dr. Strout. He has not read them yet. Feeling betrayed, he still view my ex as an older brother how my ex painted himself to be. My ex kept saying to the boyfriend, how he was like a younger brother he never had. Just as my ex flattered my family saying my family was the family he never had and wish he had. Just as my ex said I was his soulmate, someone he could live without. Now that I am a little better, I try to be supportive of his victims with the little I can. I still don’t initiate contact with his victims that cannot/has not see his manipulation but with the few that got discard.
To sum it up, these manipulators lie, and put people in a vulnerable, impossible position, pitting everyone against each other. So as long as they can use the victim(s) to their advantage, they will. Everything and anyone is for the taking for these creeps, and there might be one or many of them, as long as there isn’t a conflict of interest, they might even work together. Someone elses victim is another ones gain, it’s not rare that sociopath/psychopath target(s) victim of other sociopaths/psychopaths, they pick up from the manipulation of previous ones and tweak it to their own advantage, mostly likely they would even make their victim(s) feel that they are the only one(s) that can help them. Isolation and hurt lets them keep their control over you. They lie and twist things, and it’s what they do. Direct the anger at the manipultor not the victim, in a normal context I would agree with you regarding cheating, being involved with a sociopath/psychopath is NOT of your will or choice. They targeted and planned it as they find opportunity to! Stop the pointing fingers at each other, do what is needed to heal, no contact, information of sociopath/psychopaths, get testing(whether you were the single one, attached one or married one, anyone is game to them as their victims), after seeing some of the manipulation from the monster, focus on finding out who you are and not the brainwashed you (it’s a fragmented process- I still have new revelation often as I trying to heal), make sure you are safe and be vilgant of warning signs, so you can try your best to avoid them and to escape more easily if caught as prey again.
Good luck everyone.
I do take what you are saying. Absolutely those people who have been targeted too. Yes, you are right, anyone who is a victim of abuse, deserves help and support. Regardless of what their history getting into the relationship.
These people have a brainwashing power I have never experienced before. Something tells you they are not right but you keep getting suckered. They fake diseases (said needed money for cancer treatment. Said someone going to kill him. Needed money. Story after story. Finally girlfriend blew the lid off all the lies one day. He ran never to be heard of again
hi clarity, your story is very like mine. is there any way to message you as your post is the first I’ve come across that might help me
^^ Agree 100%^^
Totally agree! The seduction has a level that normal people can’t understand (hypnosis). Here a good explanation from HG Tudor regarding the married or taken target. I’m sure that there are many many “victims” females AND males, that still have no idea what kind of human predator has destroyed their relation (life) https://narcsite.com/2017/06/27/the-married-target/
Rocco
I don’t understand were all these post show up so I’m not going to go into a lot of detail. I have got to thank you so much, without your site and the book Sociopath Next Door I would have made some incredible mistakes. I am a man 60 married 37 yrs caught in a wed with sociopath next door. My affair with 35yr old married neighbor lasted around 4 months. Then a situation came up that was so strange I started looking on the web for others this strange situation happened too. I landed on your web site and I couldn’t believe it. My situation and her exact words were like they taken from your articles and book. I couldn’t believe the incredible level of deceit. The stories changed so fast that each different situation caused a rethink WAS I THE ONE WHO WAS CRAZY. It’s a long story and it has taken me 2 months to end this relationship. I ended up putting up cameras around the house and other protective things. Anyways I have been almost 3 weeks no contact. Without your help, book articles I would have walked away from 37 years of marriage and most likely into bankruptcy over this little cutie who pumped up this old man and his ego to the point I thought the sun just started shinning again. The marriage will still most likely end up over but at least I will have my sanity. Thank you so much
You are welcome Bob, i am so pleased that you saw the light, before she a) took you to the cleaners (UK speak for financially wipe you out) – b) hurt your wife (even if the relationship with her is over. You are lucky how I wish that there was a book that I had read in the beginning. They can cause huge damage to someones life. And yes you are right, you do start to doubt your own sanity too.
I don’t think NP was faithful to me one single day. He was having sex with a lot of girls from work, at every job, so nothing surprises me, at all. In fact, I think he still has sex with baby mama #1 and ex-wife #2 and her sister, just because he can. They are all possessions to him, I honestly believe the reason why he is so INSANELY ANGRY at me, is because I refuse too. I am not one of his girls, either I am the only one, or not one, plus that ship sailed, when I found out about ex-wife to be #2. But still, I don’t share well, which is why I left.
i am still working with him but only by exchanging electronically work items. Τhere is a common project that i have to complete with him which is very important to me and by no way i would permit myself to abandon it just becouse of this scum.
How things endend? He did something beyond anthinkable by means of betrayal and while i strongly suspected it, he was gaslighting me for long. I believe he relished watching my anxiety and pain , as i can clearly see now. After i revealed all the truth i cut him loose. What he did? of course whatever every sociopath would… he played the trick of silent treatment thinking that sooner or later i would return.
All the time he was covertly trying to provoke a reaction from me. He failed big time.
in the meantine i myself made possible to diagnose him. He provoked me to tell him what i thought he was and he proudly admitted it.. sickening??? oh yes. But you know? this pathetic existense fell in every trap that he put for me. i have been watching him during these couple of years that he had been kicked out of my life using ALL the tricks that these predators use. Every single one , a textbook looser…
I do not know if he tried to smear my name and i do not care as my social circle has nothing to do with his. I am sure though that he is playing the poor victim in front of his pathetic fun club in order to gain sympathy by willing victims who will run to fill his hole of emotion, empathy and conscience.. Him, the poor single guy who so much loved a bad woman like me who was not free and did not fell for his tricks so to destroy her life to cater to his needs’ ( control ,control, control , the one and only “need” of a socio) …bliach…bliach…
i cannot speak for all the socios but judging from may textbook case i can say with great certainty that these scums have so much power in our lifes as we permit them to have. Once they realise that they are totally insignificant for us, they hold absolutely no power to our lifes. As soon as they realise that they have to deal with a TRUE person with a TRUE personality who has ZERO fear for them and their silly antics , they become deflated as ballons in betwwen seconds.
To fear him??? no, no ,no . I am sure that he is in fear of me, even though it sounds crazy. He so much keeps trying to reestablish a place in my life and it is funny to see him planning , machinating , squirming and totally failing..
Survivors , please, send all these hollow nutjobs in the place they deserve to be.. in total disregard and pure laughter. it takes time, pain, suffering, redefing of spirit, soul and self respect, after being hit by a psycopathic track , but it can be done. We all deserve it, and the feeling of freedom of shame and fear is fantastic.
LOTS OF LOVE TO ALL
Clarity
Great comment clarity i bet it felt good to write that and get it out? You are so right as soon as you stop giving them power they have nothing on you.
yes positiva it felt good. It is good that form time to time i can express my feelings and my thoughts regarding this situation becouse when i see it written i can actually observe in a more objective way the progress i have done so far.
Neverthelles , i would like to ask for your help and for other people opinions if they have something to comment for a personal issue.
It is neccessary to have freequent encounters for several days with the socio due to work issues that it is not possible by no means to avoid. I have been preparing myself to be as gray rock as possible. Logically , i know how i have to handle things . But emotionally i cannot avoid feeling stressed as these people can always be very surprising with their behavior. i do not know what i should anticipate at this stage and if there is something that i miss .
if you are in the mood for some counceling in this matter and you have time i would be very grateful for your comments.
love
Clarity
Hi Clarity,
The answer I am going to give you, requires an ‘open mind’ it is one of the only answers that I know that works.
First of all, you need to treat it as a business transaction. So if you have to see him, try your best to switch off emotions, visualise him – in a way that helps you to cope. So visualise that he is a snake with scales and under his work clothes, he is full of ugly scales. When he speaks, visualise smoke coming out of his mouth, poisonous smoke and think the words ….CANCER….. see how toxic and poisonous he is, and use these tools to help you. This is about you taking back control of your own mind and not the nonsense that this lunatic fed you.
Secondly, it is important for you to prepare. Do breathing excercises to calm you down, slow breath in, and then slow breath out, if you are hurting visualise that you are breathing in GOOD POSITIVE air and breathing out NEGATIVE TOXIC air.
Are you with me?
Also, as a preparation before you have to meet with him visualise a ball of energy all around you, as if you are stood in a ball. The colour of this ball is pink. This ‘should’ help to protect you.
You are right these people are surprising and you never know what comes next. If you do these things, it will help. you don’t need to be a grey rock – you can still shine, without allowing him to affect you.
Does this make any sense to you?
yes positiva, it makes actually perfect sense to me. I am very spiritual myself and i am familiar with the techniques you suggest me. From time to time i have been using similar things in order to calm me under very stresfull situations that i endured in my life.
Thank you so much for this very valuable advice. Even though i am a scientist, i consider myself open minded enough to know that there is much more in this world that what our 5 senses perceive. Also the fact that not everything can be scientifically proven , it doesnt mean that does not exist.
indeed , i have used the grey rock technique for some previous job encounters with him that lasted far less . It worked in terms of being able to control my emotions and to have the right stance towards him but after this i had to upload a big emotional burden due to the suppressed emotions and it was taking several days to recover myself completely. i have realised then that though this is the most widely proposed technique to deal with psychopaths , it was detrimental to my soul . As i feel my emotions strongly i was afraid that grey rock will be prooved inadequate for more lengthy encounters like this i must have this time.
Thank you so much for your advice, i treasure it . In this way i will not have to supress who i am and my inner glow while in the same time it can prevent his dark energy to enter too much in my aetheral body and poison my energy field!!!! yes!!!, brilliant you are….
lots of love and thank you.
Clarity
Aw I am so pleased that you understand what I said Clarity. With regard also to re-energising yourself, you might want to do this before going as well. Visualise white light coming down through the top of your head and all through your body. This will cleanse and energise. If he affects you, visualisation of green light is healing.
Pink is good as armour bubble as it allows only love and good things in….. but if you think it is going to get really difficult, visualise black, it blocks everything out. In a working situation though I would think that pink is better as you want to be open to communication and to allow yourself out. You can do this, I bet it will be better than you think it will be 🙂
I have never heard of the gray (uk) Grey (US) rock technique…. am going to look it up.
thank you so much for putting back this article . everytime i feel down , i read and read it again , this way , im not forgetting how no conscience theses poeple have .
Thanks Anna were you the one who sent me the email and asked me to put it back up?
short story , i was with a man for 7 years when i found out about his affair where he work but never in my mind would i have toght why he did it . he has all the profile tath you talked about in your posts .thank you so much again .
Your welcome Anna thank you. I didn’t think it was very good, so I pulled it, until you asked for it back, am pleased you find it of help to you.
Hi , posiviagirl , yes it was me , and it is a good post . It is for the ones who had had affairs but also and most for the ones tath are in relationship with thoses mans or whoom are married . WHY , because it explain just as haow far their mind can go and tath is realy scary .
thanks again .
Mine , have had tried to make me feel guilty for anything he could possibly can , and guess wat he had succeed everytime : control ,power ,manipulation , is so true ! not ANYMORE . this is only their fault cause the way they operate is on a long a very patient road . Im so done feeling as worst as if i toght it wasnt possible tath someone could be so ugly .
love
First of all, you need to treat it as a business transaction. So if you have to see him, try your best to switch off emotions, visualise him – in a way that helps you to cope. So visualise that he is a snake with scales and under his work clothes, he is full of ugly scales. When he speaks, visualise smoke coming out of his mouth, poisonous smoke and think the words ….CANCER….. “ Clarity , wath Positivia said there is exactly how you have to manage him .
good luck .
Clarity has certainly hit the nail on the head here and my counsellor has also confirmed that we are too victims despite our infidelity.
Not only have I took responsibility for my actions but I also seem to be carrying a lot of my sociopaths guilt so effectively I am taking 100% blame. I know my affair was wrong and nothing justifies my behaviour nor am I playing the victim or giving him the title of a sociopath as a scapegoat.
I had an affair will a colleague who I thought was my soul mate. He was in a relationship with another colleague at our company. We all worked on the same floor. We both discussed how we loved each other and it was wrong but our love took over our morals. He was aggressive at a very early stage but I soon learnt arguments were created when he wanted to be left alone with his girlfriend. When they broke up our relationship intensified and he became more controlling, aggressive and eventually he physically beat me. I always went back as he stated it was my position that made him so angry, that he couldn’t ‘have’ me. This always came after sex. Loving, caring, perfect moments with him, which led to sex, once it was over the abuse came and how I was callous that I could cheat on my husband. (Of course I knew this) Hypocrisy was evident all the way through. He cheated but as they broke up he had done no wrong, only me. Circle of apologies and I would sleep with him again. He told me he’d been with others, did it stop me? No. Endless games of avoiding me, disappearing acts then to bombardments of his love for me and he needed me again. Looking back disappearing was when he was occupied, coming back to me (guaranteed sex) was when he was bored. Nothing to be proud of here but my love for him was sincere. I completely disregarded my husband and so torn with what to do and how could I be with my soul mate. I tolerated mental abuse, control, physical abuse and also sexual abuse. Yet he had this hold over me. I needed him. Only when I found out he was emailing his ex in work whilst emailing me what he was going to do to me sexually after work did I feel fed up and like a mug. (Yes although married) I had gone through 18 months of him making me jealous using her knowing she sits in front of me. All I did was distance myself for 2 days and didn’t meet him. Him not getting his way led to him telling his ex he cheated on her and telling me he would tell my husband as I no longer had anything over him. I didn’t believe him and tried to ignore him as he loved this control. He then threatened to tell his ex who I was. Still having control. I didn’t react. His final blow, he turned up at my house screaming and shouting my name and told my husband. He then told me to go and kill myself and that he’d been seeing another girl in work whom is also attached. I was girl number 5 in work. That was 3 months ago. No contact since. He changed his number, parks car elsewhere and confessed to his manager that he came to my home. He is now considered the victim who fell for a married woman and was so angry he couldn’t have her he acted on rage. Luckily i reported previous incidents of his physical abuse that occurred in work. All.managers now know he hit me, he cheated, that I am girl number 5. That he came to my home. Read abusive emails. I now work on a different floor. I see him occasionally and there is no eye contact. Do I miss him? Incredibly. Do I know he is toxic? Yes 100%. He has a new supply in work and I cannot tell her as he will have his stories and I cannot be made to be the crazy one. She will learn and hopefully not tolerate what I did. He is playing the victim very well. Appears to be a broken man by all accounts. This is how he manipulated me. Pity. What he is doing is showing his managers what they need to see. A broken hearted man. He is clever. He is charming, good looking and a very talented musician.
I did wrong. Nothing justifies my affair and I am full.of remorse and guilt and trust me I am punishing myself. No one, in any relationship deserves to go through this. I was manipulated. He was my everything. He listened to my insecurities and exploited them. He thrived off the fact his guitar skills made me weak. He controlled who I spoke to. Isolated me from other male colleagues.
I am far from recovered and I admire Clarity’s positive attitude and how she is in control. I know I will get there but it’s a matter of time and understanding he never loved me. I was used for sex for 2 years. I am disgusted I mistreated my husband and I am angry I did it with someone who I thought loved me. Not that it would justify it, it just makes it harder to swallow.
We are definitely victims too. The fact I have been suicidal, on medication and now going through counselling is proof we are too victims.
I agree that you are also victims didi, and that your life has also been ruined. I think sometimes it is difficult on this site, as a lot of victims were hurt and in pain by their sociopaths infidelity towards them – and this wouldn’t happen, if the other man/woman weren’t prepared to have a relationship with them, when they are involved with someone else.
Firstly, as terrible as it is, infidelity is everywhere. Since my actions I have beomce aware of just how common it is, especially in the workplace. Secondly, anyone is capable of cheating, if one does cheat it does not make them a bad person as a whole. Anyone can make a mistake. What is not so capable to everyone is manipulation, hypocrisy , targetting individuals, control, telling/showing people what they want to see/hear, all for personal gain. There is a huge difference of ‘falling for the one’ and targetting one. If everyone on this site has truly been involved with a sociopath, then they understand their powers of manipulation and the hurt and pain it causes to everyone who crosses their path.
I admit it, I feel niave. I know I could have been stronger. other girls in work have told him where to go as soon as they saw his mask slip. I was warned but could not see it. What they were telling me and how he was with me didn’t match up. Mine was intially a friendship, he then went on to say his relationship was not working becasue he lacked confidence and couldn’t beleive anyone would want him. I reassured him he was a ‘good catch’. I then opened up that my husband didn’t share the same passion music as me and didn’t spend much time with me – what did he do? offer everything that my husband didn’t. After two days of our first kiss he told me loved me, never felt like this before, never been in love, I was the best he ever had, I helped with his confidence. Its that simple. I have never cheated before so believe me when I say i am not using his behaviour to deflect any of my wrong doings – that is what he would do. The truth is I was reeled in and i loved him dearly, had I not loved him I would never have had an affair. Despite being married, it hurts becasue I loved him.
I understand what you are saying didi. Nobody deserves to be duped and conned, manipulated and deceived. It is a horrible betrayal, no matter what your situation is.
So familiar – mine did all the textbook things, the married woman, of course, at work, etc. Why do they go after the married ones? Entitlement, yes. They have a desire to possess whatever they don’t have, and whatever they do have looks like yesterday’s hot dogs to them. The thrill of deception – maybe. Those are fairly ‘normal’ reasons to have an affair. But the simple, strange answer is they just get off massively on playing the ‘good partner’ to someone who’s in a dissatisfied relationship, while (and this is the important part) their own partners languish at home wondering where the hell they are. This is the most fun, satisfying game in the world to them, like the big fat delicious cherry on their passive-aggressive sundae of horror. Add in some kids – he’s got an increasingly desperate girlfriend and a new 5-month old at home, but he spends all his time with the cute brunette down the street who’s unsatisfied with her sex life, being the best lover and BEST surrogate dad to her two toddlers – and this situation pretty much marks the highest achievement the sociopath can aspire to in life, the ultimate triple whammy of frustration, depression, and confusion he can serve to his partner – and therefore the ultimate emotional and situational control for him. (And while women can certainly be sociopaths, for biological reasons they’re far more likely to be on the receiving end of this particular kind of passive-aggressive abandonment.)
‘Normal’ people have an affair DESPITE other attachments, for the pleasure or comfort it provides; for the sociopath, the affair itself is the aim, because they take so much perverse pleasure in the control and potential for emotional manipulation. What other people would feel deeply guilty about, they consider a kind of personal best. But the strangest part is that they’ll often lie to themselves the whole time, imagining they’re having this affair because they really love Mrs X, thinking they’re being a decent if unfaithful partner to Mrs Y, because if they faced their real motivations, the ugliness they’d see would be unbearable even to them. Sites like these help so much in understanding their behaviour, because it seems too strange, alien, and counterproductive to comprehend – until you realise that the same patterns persist over and over again. With understanding comes the power to let go.
Thank you so much for everybodies testemonies ! they are realy everywere ,so true and espacialy at work ,they come on so easy ,is wath exactly make them so much dangerous !
My husband had an affair with a sociopath, we’ve been together a long time and neither of us have strayed. It was a stressful time for us and she swooped in and manipulated my husband and he fell for it. The affair lasted 3-4 months, with the last month him just talking to her bc he was trying to wean himself off of her. We are trying to save our marriage but I am having a really hard time moving on from this. It was a living hell. He was exhaustingly mean to me. Could it be possible that she manipulated him into hating me? I saw some texts where she was bashing me and our relationship! This is such a struggle. Should I be giving him more of a break bc it was a a sociopath who did this to us? I would love some insight.