Dear Mr sociopath,
It has been a while since I wrote a letter to you here. But once again I am back in no contact.
I wanted to say I am sorry that I had to walk away from you.it has hurt me…. , and you…. I guess there is loss of supply but I am sure that you will soon replace me.
They say that God loves a trier, well he/she should love me. I certainly tried.
I am sorry that our relationship did not work out.
I think you tried too. But there was a teeny weenie huge problem between us.
1. you are a sociopath, this means that you just keep doing the same thing….. Over and over again. Most people learn, but you can’t, see this post for why.
2. You are opportunistic which meant I always had to be on my guard…..and yes, when temptation came you couldn’t resist the opportunity to take what you wanted. What was mine was yours so you thought, and what was yours you kept to yourself, so tight your bum must have squeaked when you walked.
3. You are a compulsive pathological liar. It gets old listening to someone when you don’t know whether what comes out of your mouth is the truth or a lie, and you would never admit to the lie.
4. I grew tired of your constant stalking, snooping and spying, mind control was becoming so much, I thought i was losing my mind. At least I did, until I read this post. Suddenly it all fell into place. How odd that posts I had written 18 months to two years earlier, could have been my personal diary from the day before.
I cannot grow with you. You won’t allow it and all I experience is further loss…. no more. I have learned enough.
However, as i knew who you were before you came back. I took the risk with knowledge, so I take personal responsibility for this. It was my choice, and i know you did try your best. For a while anyway!!
You almost had me fooled. How stupid I was to not see the obvious. You were being nice and ‘relatively ‘ normal, until the case came to a close. From that day onwards what a coincidence you had no money of your own.
Alas no, of course sociopaths do not change. The pattern always repeats as in this post
I have no regrets, I learned things that I needed to know, as now as I begin my life again, I can read this blog as a reader would. Maybe it makes sense to me as it’s my story. I wouldn’t know, but it is healing to read. This now makes sense, and inspires me for the book.
And it’s a big but…..this time I realise, I don’t have to be in a controlling relationship to be inspired to write about it (what a ridiculous thought that was). Instead, I have been offered a job working in a similar field in the real world, and this will be my inspiration to write.
Finally I will properly edit this site. And get it into a book.
For this, I am grateful…. your behaviour is controlling and was difficult for me to cope with, and as you know, it affected me. I don’t have to live in fear anymore.
Edit: To readers of this site, you might ask the question BUT WHY? …. I think I just wanted to know. What IF two parties KNEW if he knew and I knew? Could we make it work? I know he cared about me. He just had his issues, which in turn, drove me crazy I had mine. I could barely think.
Do I regret returning? No as I learned a lot of things the last year, that I didn’t know before. Some illusions that I had, are no longer there. At the end, we were simply incompatible. I couldn’t give him what he wanted, and he couldn’t give me what I needed either.
But maybe – this is just me – I don’t particularly hate anyone to me, it just ran its course. It felt like we had gone as far as we could go together (which is a very very different ending, to the devastation we had in 2012) – and for this, I am grateful!!!
The truth will always set you free!
74 thoughts on “Letter to the sociopath (feel free to add your own)”
The book . 👍👍
YES!!! So this is doing me a favour – as I can read and those that heal me, will make the book. But just writing that post made me realise – how I had covered so much. It was also good, as I could see the patterns repeating again. Reading old posts – where the same thing could have just happened. It made me think, either stay with this for the rest of your life, and go through this again and again for the rest of your life – or get out?
At the end, I needed to grow. Needed to return to work. Needed to get on with my life. I am sure that it is no coincidence that since meeting him I met no new friends in those 3 years. Those I did meet – he didn’t like and had to leave. I could have lived, just me and him forever…. I think I would have lost my mind if I did.
Still (maybe this is just me) don’t hate him though. Was my choice to go back. I think I just needed to know.
Thanks nbn 🙂
Awesome writing, I remember apologizing for so many things that weren’t my fault, but my last apology was:
I’m sorry I had to abandon you to save myself.
Pinky – beautiful!! Thank you, as that is how I felt. Absolutely. I know he cant help the way that he is. How anyone can say it isn’t a mental health condition is beyond me. I know he did care about me. I know he did. I know he valued me. Otherwise he would want to destroy me for leaving him. But he knew I had given my best. Yeah – that is how I felt. I am sorry….. aragh that makes me feel sad you know. I am sorry as I know, it is just the way that he is. Nothing that either I or him – would really change that. At least I know that now – for sure.
Thank you, for you made me cry knowing the pain of having to just save yourself. Knowing how each of us feels taking back what is rightfully ours.
Yes, and you know what is sad pinky, is what is rightfully ours, that we can obtain and recreate over and over, they only obtain by taking it from someone else 😦 – true.
Anyone that diminished the strength of a low functioning sociopath has never been in the web of one. Your site is great, I go back to it every notification just to remind me that its not me and even as incredible the sex was I must stay a way and that is hard for a guy. The sociopath doesn’t stop trying to control and win no matter what happens.
Amen Pos. Well said. I love the part where you wrote “I cannot grow with you. You won’t allow it and all I experience is further loss…. no more. I have learned enough”.
That says it all in a nutshell. I love this post! 😊
Yes, absolutely that is the way that it is. Its kind of ‘sad’ really. I don’t have any bad feelings at all. It is true, you can’t grow with a sociopath. They just won’t let you. We had this battle so many times. I had to keep ‘giving up’ again and again…. until really there was nothing left. I don’t hate him? … I did back in 2012, but maybe/probably i was never as blind as I was back then. He didn’t do the crazy things that he did back then either. Well… no, he did still tell stupid lies, but nothing deceptive to rip me off. He didn’t do anything to deliberately hurt me either. It was just sheesh…. he wanted 150% of my time, ownership, possession and control, in fact pretty much EVERY post I wrote about it, back in 2013 was it to a T…. I am glad I did it and am glad I know.
So if anyone is out there and thinking about it, don’t. Nothing changes, and you will only experience further losses.
Pos, you came so far…and you made it. You’re in the clear. THAT is why I am too. It sure takes time doesn’t it? We survived, we are doing great, and I so much hope that for everyone here. You’re my lifesaver dear. Xx
Yes, I think i so wanted to know. I am so glad that I did. As during that year, I saw a different side to him. I was so proud of him. He REALLY REALLY tried!! he tried his best.
When someone is trying their best, and it STILL isn’t good enough. There is nowhere else to go.
You can’t have a life and be with a sociopath. You just can’t. You will always be looking over your shoulder.
I don’t regret those first few months, we did some amazing things together, for the first time. It felt like he CLOSED every single opportunity. So I felt like I was just ‘running’ and ‘running’ each time looking for a new opportunity. Each time, he would come and take over, and I would do something else.
I had to have him blocked on facebook. Despite deleting around 60 people he still knew what I was doing. Would accuse me of ridiculous kinds of crap. My world grew smaller and smaller.
I thought back to 2013, I didn’t have much, but my blog was growing, and i was so proud of what I had achieved, particularly coming out of PTSD. I was moving forward, life was growing.
Bit by bit….. he took all of that away. The constant accusations. The phone calls. The insecurity, the mind games, the being yelled at at 5am, in the end I felt like I was continually trying to escape.
I realised that since my daughter had died. I had NO time for me, to heal properly, recover and get on with my life.
Just before Christmas I was offered a job, working with women in supported housing, women who have experienced DV and/or Mental health. It was perfect for me. Perfect job. I even told them about this blog, and my daughters death, recovering from ptsd, being in an abusive relationship. They wanted me to work there. I turned it down, as I feared what he would do to ruin it for me.
This…. was the final straw for me. I called them, they still wanted me to work for them. I decided – that this was the way forward for my life. I realised how much i missed working and what it meant to me. Also, being offered the job, made me realise that I had skills, knowledge, a career. I had spent all of my life building.
I wasn’t just a victim. I was a woman who had a story…. I was a survivor, and i wanted to work with other people and help them to become survivors…. i realised, that if I stayed with him, I would always be a victim – for the rest of my life, as he would have kept me one.
I feel you needed to step back in order t validate all you’d learned and wrote about and you were brave enough not to hide this fact from your readers. I have great respect for you, to have taken that brave step and stand your corner despite the backlash. Love is love and is a beautiful thing and in no way is a weakness, but a sure sign of great strength and beauty. You still show compassion which touches me, many are bitter ( with good reason )
To over ride the anger, hurt and negative emotions, also takes great strength and I feel central to our own well being and future growth. 🙂 Something I leaned myself was, it’s ok and not a failing to feel love for someone, but if having that person you love in your reality, is detrimental to you well being, then it’s best to send love from afar, as it really is ok to feel love for this person, but just not in a relationship sense. What this did for me, was soothed the hurt and allowed healing without feeling a fool for doing so, rising above their lower vibrations. This also empowered me and all the pent up energies, because that’s what emotion is, I released in a positive way, doing the things I love to do and finally learning WHO I AM. 😀
Eight years later, life is good and I have a contentment and appreciation for life, that I have never had before and it’s a lovely place to be at. The hardest journey of my life, now behind me with many lessons learned. That’s our reward I feel, for love is the greatest power of them all. 🙂
Have fun, live and explore, your next adventure is now beginning and I have a feeling that it’s only going to get better from here on in for you. 😀
Big fat hugs your way!
I wish you a wonderful magical journey, shining in your own true self, you deserve it. 🙂
Thanks Jen, I think so too. You can never love too much, and should never feel apologetic for love that you have in your heart, its a challenge, but its about transferring that love to things that bring you happiness. Its great that things are going so well for you. Are you still doing your art? Sending a big hug back to you also x
I think also what happened, was that ‘I changed’…. I am usually without child loss grief and ptsd trauma, quite an independent person. A free spirit. It feels alien to me, to be contained. I think before, it was ok, as life (in terms of the legal case) was containing me anyway. I couldn’t move on before….. now I can….. I want to, and am ready to.
I haven’t been on here for a long time. Reading your words is exactly what I needed today. I haven’t spoken to my ex in MONTHS. He sent me a random and yet calculated email one week before my birthday in dec. (last email before then was in June) he asked me to send him dirty pictures. Anyhow, today I was driving home and I started thinking about him and wondering if I should email him. (I’m not) thanks to your post, I am keeping my mind busy on other stuff and continuing the no contact. For any of you who just started the no contact. It gets easier over time. I am living proof of this. I used to think this man gave me life but its clear when I think back that all he did was waste my life and take from me. I’m not going backwards. Keep your mind busy and good luck to you all.
Hey NOOOOO don’t!!!! Honestly believe me. The sociopath in my life, that was the most obvious of patterns that the posts on this blog make sense to me 2 years later he repeated all the same things again.
AND he genuinely tried his best. He really did. I know he adored me. In his own way. But still the patterns repeated.
Anyone who just contacts you and asks for dirty pictures, has no respect for you. You deserve so much better. Keep going
AND REMEMBER TO REWARD YOURSELF FOR NOT RESPONDING!!! 🙂
I know this will sound crazy but knowing him like I do, I know he sent that email before my birthday just to get under my skin or to get me to think about him. He didnt ruin anything. I hate that I felt a rush seeing an email from him but after reading it I had to laugh and say OH you…you haven’t changed at all. My day went on and I pay myself on the back for not replying.
Right now it’s all coming back to me and if I let myself I can write all the crazy stuff I went through. I can laugh at some of it now but if I think to much my heart will still ache. So I will stop here and just thank you again for this wonderful site. The tools I got when I found this site have helped me SOOOO much. When I first came here I was in such a bad place (2012) Here it is 2015 and I’m still ALIVE! I went from thinking, how will I live without him and lol I’m still alive! Ill forever be grateful. I know that it’s not completely over, I never know when he will try to sneak back into my life but I’ve made my choice and I choose me. I always will. Good luck! And again thank you for everything you have done to help all of us on here!
It was feb 2013 when i started this site. Back then, we were split. The only memory that I had, was bad disordered ones. I am glad that i got to know who he really is. Ha and yes indeed you are still alive, you are not sat thinking obsessively about you. But did you notice, …. he didn’t miss when your birthday was. It says more about them, then it ever did about you.
Love it! Thank you. I wish someday I can write my letter to my Pinnochio without crying….knowing that he took a lot , but that the best part, me, my daughter, remained. ..the scars will always be there, but I’m not ashamed of them they tell my story, they tell I am a survivor.
Awww sending you a HUGE hug!!! x x
I still have pain. I still have to work through it. BUT – it means that I will become a prolific blogger again, as i will have to keep writing through that pain.
It hurts, it hurts my heart. But – at least it is not hurting my head anymore. At least I am no longer controlled. But – I know you have children together, there will be light at the end of the tunnel for you too – aragh…. I really do feel for those with children with them, as there is no escape to run, and keep running.
However, you could still write the letter of how much of an asshole he is 🙂
I think that if I began to write I will never end =-)
You could do asshole bullet points!! 🙂
Let me count the ways that you are like an asshole.. 😎
Yes!!!! And laugh….. because at the heart of it, they are really ridiculous!! 🙂
write it now and cry too, you’ll feel better in the end after the cry.
Yes, its sad though isn’t it. When you have to let go of someone, as its not good for you. Its different to the discard that happened before. Its different to feeling stunned and shocked and the fog of confusion of before.
This has been a normal ending. Of a relationship, that was anything but normal, but at the same time, as normal as it ever could be.
So maybe instead a letter I just send him a tear..
a tear so big and fat that it can keep all the broken dreams, all the empty promises, all the jealousy, all his affairs, all the lies, all the insults, all the violence, all the loneliness, all the fear…
I will return on this tear all that he gave to me…
Yes, you could visualise this, in your mind, then send it away….. and watch it get smaller in your mind…. smaller than a postage stamp, change the colour from colour to black and white…… until it shrinks. it has no power over you anymore.
If only you were the man you said you were. If only you kept all your promises. There’s nothing left…not even tears. Just a sad heart. So what do I do? Pick up the pieces? Forget the dream of the life I thought we both wanted? I really thought you were worthwhile… I thought there was an inner child in you that needed to be saved, protected, and loved, but there’s nothing…nothing but lies and dishonesty. You have broken me. I’ve snapped. Still, I think of your voice, your arms around me at night… Knowing I’ll never have that again. We almost had a chance, but you just want to stay stuck in limbo. It’s not where I want to be. The dream is dead. There’s nothing, only my broken heart. You gave your love then took it away… Why? Didn’t I deserve love and happiness? You will move onto someone else, but she won’t be me. I need something real or nothing at all!
Bless you natalie x thank you.
Can I tell you this, from a different point of view?
Maybe he gave you the very best that he could offer you. They mirror other people. Try not to focus on that whole ‘its fake’….. as even when they give the very best that they possibly can, if they adore you with everything that they have. All that they can offer you, would never be enough – for a non sociopath.
It would always be ’empty’ you would always feel like something is missing. You were never in his life – he was in yours. Any sociopath could be exactly what he has offered you. A mirror reflection of you.
You know that love that you miss, you know that love is the love that you radiate out. That love is the shining light of you. That love is what YOU have to offer. It was never what he had to offer you.
He never had anything to offer. While you are a multifaceted human being, with lots of different dimensions… he was flat – one sided. Did you notice how he was in your life, but you were not particularly in his?
Nothing you could have done, would have changed a thing. But you can…. change you!!
I once said to him, I helped to save you from yourself, but I was wrong. I couldn’t help him, no one could . He needs to become human on his own. I only have sympathy for him that he will never know what he’s truly missing out on in life.
Thank You. I found your website last year and it has helped me travel the road to survival. At first, I resisted, thinking I could handle the relationship, but as I began to look inside myself, the facts were undeniable. Even my writing didn’t make me feel better although I’m not ready to give up on it. I joined a support group for anxiety and I’ve been no contact for over a month. The worst is over.
Well done Natalie for a month no contact. Its hard, when your heart is broken, to not speak to them. But all that speaking to them would do, is string you along and waste your life further. They are time wasters. If it wasn’t that its rejection. Its no reflection on you. I am sure that you can be responsible, and give to someone what you deserve yourself. This time, this healing time, you can create your own life, your own way, ready for the beautiful pathway ahead of you.
I’m hearing you Natalie,
I’ve finally seen my S. For the last time. It’s been on and off for 4.5 years. The deceit, lies, telling me how I’m the best he’s ever had holding me close at night then other nights stonewalling; over a drama he created, about a story he made up – usually based on jealousy – weird! Even over me getting a tradesman for work on my house. Lol
Lies about what other people think of me, when they said nothing of the sort. Triangulation with his mother and others. Keeping contact with his exes (who knows what he was doing)
I lived with him for about 9 months 4 years ago; my daughter moving in when she returned from England. She lasted 3 months and could not stand him. She hates him and has never been mean to a soul in her life. My 4 adult children all think I’m lost as their mum that they know, when I’m seeing him.
They all. Think he’s ugly and yes he is not an attractive man, and I never ever thought so. He charmed me in the office and I succumbed. The song by Adelle “I set fire to the rain” says it all.
Everything he accused me of is what he himself was in fact doing.
I’m wired for serotonin needs and he filled a lot of that, fun excitement and we had a lot of it; but the cycle continued and I got to read when the mask was about to come off. I coped with that and thought I could just keep going home when I could read the abuse was coming, but it will never change; he used me and discarded me, and I let it happen. The longer I stayed the less I saw of my genuine of my friends and family, the more I saw of his so called friends who he used as porns to triangulate and manipulate. Cycle:
Switch on – getting sympathy vote ‘I miss you, ‘I love you’ ‘I need to see you’ sex, love bombing, charm, being my perfect man
wash – do fun exciting things at my own expense of course
rinse – get as much out of me as possible; using my resources, hard work ethic and talents for what he wanted
spin me out – abuse name calling throwing my things over his balcony and gate! Yelling. telling stories about others, lying about what they have said behind my back (triangulation and put downs), hiding or destroying my things, repeating things I said with a twisted slant, accusing me of sleeping around (in the nastiest language possible) All of the above made me insensed and finally provoked a reaction where I’m left sobbing in the cupboard; empty and heart broken.
hang me out – leave me with no closure; stonewall me; kick me out (his favourite) then when he’s had his fun and bored the cycle begins again; up to 20 phone calls texts emails – nothing resolved, never a sorry; just the sympathy card played so well! Then when I relent, the love bombing begins. Whhhhhyaaaa me! I’m a nice person.
I’m hanging on to my dear old friends and my children who all ‘want the old me back’ – I’ve upset them with the going back to this horrid individual and yet they still support me – I’m not going back this time – I’m reminded constantly what a beautiful woman I am and it helps. I’m reinforcing it in the mirror each day adding that I deserve better than what this man could ever bring to my life.
I’m going to have thoughts of the times when people would come to him when we were out and tell him he was ‘batting above his order’ or ‘pitching above his league’ Hahahaha. He’s never going to have me and it will kill him that I have moved on, out of his control, and his so called friends will eventually know. Some of them have already tried to get in my pants that’s how good a friend they are to him. When I told him, about their sleazy behaviour, each time it eventually got turned around on me to be my fault or he refused to believe that they did the advances on me. Ether way I am getting over him quickly now, because it’s been coming for a long long time. He’ll charm someone else if he hasn’t already – good he’ll leave me alone. I’m not left shattered and broken, because I learned so much from positive gir’s post – thank you all of you,lovely lovely ones for posting! I researched sociopathy and got to know full well what he is, and proceeded to work around it for the love of the person I thought was in there, but it remains as textbook as it is – a sham a scam to get more out of me. He will miss me, my energy sex, fun giving, support for his health issues (related to his self gratification – smoking, drinking, pot, partying. Hell have an empty bed and no sympathetic back patting for his constant deadly coughing fits. The list goes on. The longer one stays the more one loses. Thank you all for your posts. I don’t want to write a letter to him rather about him.
That love that you have in you and for yourself, that you will once again fill yourself with one day, will overflow and surround other people near you, that will be the day you truly have healed.
Love & Light in abundance coming your way 🙂
Now you can stand in the full glory of who you are & always will be!
Positivagirl you should be proud, I am 🙂 xoxo
Yes…. but it means I go back to prolific blogging again. I feel energised, have so much energy. So much light to shine.
But I am very pleased that I did go back (for me) we had some good times during that year. And I learned some important lessons that year. I had to go from my blog growing – the way that it was, and what was happening in my life – and watch – how slowly my life vanished. My energy disappeared. How everything became about him. He cant help that, its just the way that it is. But it is draining and tiring. I can honestly say that every day I was exhausted, I felt mentally numb. If I tried to write, I couldn’t the words, just didn’t flow anymore…..
Watch this space…. 🙂
We are watching Positiva!
Ha i wont stop. I have loads that i want to write say, amend. I will prob get a few unlike followers.
Anyway – I do always show by example. People thought I was being a bad example by going back. But…. actually it proves, that when you do, it sucks the life out of you. Takes your energy, takes your sunshine, takes your vibration, takes your creativity. it takes every single thing. Until you become grey, lifeless, nothing….. owned and controlled even your thoughts are not your own.
Then you break free…. and the sun comes out again, what better example is there than that?? 🙂
My eternal Phoenix Rising , Im proud too!!!
Just so im clear, when did you get back with the ex and for how long this time? It was after 2013, im assuming. Also you were writing the blog while the relationship was going on? Im just a little confused, no judging here, but i dont think you mentioned any specific dates or for how long.
Thank you for your blog, it has been a huge source of support. My story would blow your mind. Dateline did a story on my ex sociopath and covered aspects of the story 2 years ago…… Beyond heavy. Im very lucky to be alive. I need to write a book. In my cries to God at the time, I felt He put on my heart that I needed and was going to write/ tell my story. I was introduced to and was working with a successful writer but she bailed when her husband was giving her grief about writing again. 1 year later, Dateline picked up the story, a writers dream. We may have been done with the book by then. Oh well. Unfortunately when i was ready to continue my journey of either writing myself or finding another writer, I was victimized by another full blown, text book, sociopath, pathological lying, serial cheating (bisexual, very unbeknownst to me ) narcissist, who caught me at a vulnerable time and preyed on me. Oh yes did i mention he was a “Christian”? Haha.
I could go on with other sick things about him, but you get the gist. He was Worse than the prior in different ways…… and the other is now in prison for 150 years, no exaggeration. Truth.
Hi anonymous. 2014 not 2013 I was in no contact then. But by 2014 I was tired, I also felt sad and cheated. I think that I needed to see other things. This time the ending was like a normal ending. I have my thing to do, and I am me, and he is who he is. He did a lot for me, and for that I am really grateful. I was stood still for quite a while, recovering from trauma and having a legal case hanging over my head. But – I had to move on and move forward because of who he is. he wouldn’t allow that. I wouldn’t have been able to rebuild my life, if he were in it. I went from narcissist to charismatic sociopath – I can say that it was a good way around to do it, as the narcissist will rip you apart, rip your insides out, the charismatic sociopath will mirror you be cheerful (if problematic) and emotionally put me back together – only to dismantle me later. Narcissists love to target vulnerable people. Are you ok from that? …. the can cause so much inner destruction one I was with (narcissist) claimed he was bisexual and did the most sick depraved things to me, the sociopath never did anything like that. He was kind even – just controlling.
I am Soooo happy for you, and sad, we are a group of people who hold onto “The Promise” as if its a small light of love, loyalty, hope and belief, when the light has finally been snuffed, you are done! The other party is dead to you, and you, unfortunately can be just as cold as they can, after all, you had they best teacher! I almost fear for my children’s father, my son, he just wants to avoid, light is gone, my daughter, she knows its coming, but is on the fence. She is cut throat ruthless, whoa! but hey, don’t dish out what you can’t handle! I hope he is ready. lol
I didn’t start healing until I found your blog, I just didn’t get it, and we had been separated divorced and he was divorcing wife #2, so its really easy to understand, they just want to be what you want them to be. When they extract what they want, poof they are gone. its a dream, then a nightmare.
I think you do get to the point where you just ‘switch off’ …. after a while. Have had enough. You know this will all turn around for you. Karma is a long long time coming and you have suffered so much due to his bullshit – but – it will come back around.
Yes, I know, there is no bigger nightmare – than when a sociopath is pissed and has it in for you. Hell on earth is a good definition.
Hang in there, its getting there. I am pleased that you found people to support you along the way, as long as understanding. I cant wait till you send me an email and tell me that things are different…. I think you are heading there you know…. they are growing and will see for themselves!! He who laughs last, laughs longest 🙂
Oh its different alright, I really dont care, he doesnt hurt me. Its them, and they see it.
But I hope you didn’t send it! Writing to them just lets them know you are still thinking of them which gives them a huge ego boost and the opportunity to weasel their way back into your life. No contact is no contact no matter how big the temptation to tell them what you really think. 7 months sociopath free, he tried to get in contact but I didn’t give in. I still have nightmares about him, but no regrets.
Write as many letters as you want to get it out of your system. Just don’t send them, burn them.
Well done to you for 7 months free lavache!! 🙂
Positiva- as usual spot on post! This could/should be my final email to mine. I left word on another thread how I had been treading in dangerous territory since I allowed him to talk with me again a couple of months ago. After I admitted it online, I got anxiety attacks of just how fellow readers might respond. Alas, no one judged me and I think you were in your “brainstorm” session!
Look I know now, for sure, this dude is a sociopath. Ha, and a narc. He came on so strong to get me in the sack, then withdraws. Same thing back and forth in as many weeks. The difference this time is I don’t believe it for a minute that he’s changed. That he could ever be “my other half”. Hell I knew that from the get go with this weirdo. Yeah, I am ashamed that I have dipped into the pool of lust with him. Why does it have to be so good with the likes of these jerks? Why can they put the effort to be such a damn good lover, but lousy at every thing else?
Perhaps we will never know.
But don’t you think that maybe through these experiences that we actually HAVE grown? I know I not the same after this experience. AND, like you, I don’t hate him. I accept that he is doing the best he can, even if his best in this regard is of little value to me. I know that I have self explored, blogged and helped others in what sounded to me to be a psychopathic situation. Made me feel good that I could speak with authority, I could offer suggestions and this website ( yes, I rave to anyone who will listen about this site)!
So here I am not feeling lonely, still dating when the chance comes, and yes, still having this weirdo act all weird. It’s so predictable that I laugh.
And he’s not been able to affect me like he did before all the real shit hit the fan long time ago. Funny, he almosts acts as though he knows I know and so doesn’t try as hard. But he still tries to control ( a typical calling card). I lie if inquires about a date, or where I was, or who was texting me. Who cares? Before I would’ve been loyal and exasperated that he accused me of something I definitely wasn’t doing. Now? I give him very little about me freely. So I have grown and am stronger.
Thanks for this piece! So look forward to reading the rest of your knowledge. Congrats! on the new job and new direction. I think I am right behind you, dear!
Is this the first one that you were with Eldadude? Or the later one?
Thank you for sharing the details of your journey with us all. You are brave to do so and you have helped myself and many others who are struggling to make sense of these kinds of “relationships”. I like what poster Pinky says about having to abandon the Soc in order to save her own self. Yes unfortunately this is necessary due to the energy-vampire like effects of being with someone like that.
Yes absolutely phoenix thank you
The fact that this reads nearly word for word in some spots to things I’ve written to mine over the years tells me that your book will be a great success. Your experiences are so eerily spot on with what has gone on with so many of us that it can’t be a coincidence. I am convinced that life with a sociopath is a very distinct experience with many common behaviours and emotions felt by the partner (us).
I have written so many good bye letters it became a false. “Goodbye and good luck” the most common subject line and always filled with sadness not just for me but for him as well. They do get hurt and they do feel alone and lost without us, for a while. Some of them will obsess over the same person for years. But most will obsess over every person they ever owned even while being with the new one.
The harder part was leaving his kids as well. But it was truly, at that point, a matter of survival and of protecting my own child. They will never, ever, understand or care about that though, even if they say they do. There really is no life left for you when you date or marry a sociopath.
Ha go careful Blue, you know that sociopaths do the ‘goodbye and good luck’ at the end of their messages 🙂 🙂 haha
Yes I think you are right. They do get hurt – I know at the end this time, he said to me a few times as he was moving out ‘my heart hurts’ he had never said that before. Maybe he just knew – that this time – was the end. Still he did want to hang in to be friends, was even deluded to think that we could have a relationship with him note living in the house. Yeah it really hurt me seeing him hurt, as I know he was. It wasn’t sociopath crocodile tears. I knew who he was and I loved him anyway.
Thanks Blue, its a sad dayfor me today. So I appreciate your comment, especially when you said ‘ there really is no life left for you when date or marry a sociopath is so spot on’ and this was the biggest problem of all.
😦 😦 I feel sad today as I write this. Really proper sad.
Hope you’re feeling better…remember baby steps, “un día a la vez” (oh my! I firgot how to say it in english..one day at time? )
Hi,It’s me again…. One day my experience will hopefully be a blur.
The thing I remember most,was shortly after Id met him( maybe that should have told me) that he’d told me ONE lie,but it wouldn’t have affected us getting together. Even now,he insists he’s only told me that one lie,even though I’ve found out the rest.
I’m away from him now,and gradually being more positive.
Trying to resolve our financial affairs is like hitting my head up against a brick wall. I have to email him,and word everything so carefully. I call it adverse psychology,I have to appear non threatening, but in control.
He then suggests I read his emails at 9am and 6pm,and answer them promptly, and cover every issue,he has raised.
I try not to reply quickly,as that’s me giving in to his controlling.
Everything I do must be done correctly,but I have to trust him on his issues,as to his “honesty”!!! 😏
It’s made worse,as I’m in England,he’s in Spain,and laws are so different.
I’m now trying the nice approach,while wanting to stick my fingers down my throat,while I’m emailing him😕
A sociopath sees things differently to normal people,that I’m sure.
There’s no easy way,but I’m sure they know what they’re doing.
The thing that has sickened me most,knowing Id lost my best friend to cancer,was him telling me 2 months ago,that he had cancer…. And guess what,…. It was yet another lie. 😡
I guess he’s in mega victim mode now,as I’ve left,when he thought id never do it. It’s tough,but like us all,we get our life’s back….maybe not quickly but eventually
In the words of my super exspensive attorney, “What did Fair Get You? NOTHING”. Oh I was so mad at her! I almost cried publically! Whats more inportant? Getting out? Or stuff?
I have over many many years had 2 distinct dreams. The first one, I wake up with nothing in my memory but I am for real thumping my head on the wall repeatedly. I never could understand this until recently. The second is a black wall with a white hole and I squeeze through that little white hole only to find a large white wall with a little black hole and I squeeze through that one only to find more of the same. I know the meaning behind the dreams now, isn’t it all so clear?
Positivagirl, I read your post [not all the comments after], and I have to say I could offer many, MANY words that were sent to me by “my” sociopathic “love-of-my-life” that would reinforce your book. When I think back, I always felt in a way it was a love/hate relationship — he said things I hated [red flags] many times, but the love always won out… That is until he cut me off. I always knew he would be the one to leave me, as I was never EVER going to be the one to leave him. I just never realized how destroyed and empty I would feel afterward, probably because I never saw ahead that it was even possible he would leave [since I made no restrictions on him whatsoever]. I just never imagined he would ever leave me permanently! That possibility never even entered my head. At any rate, if you want “red flags,” boy, do I ever have tons of them in emails. I keep them because I can’t fully let go of the one relationship in my life that gave me extreme joy, even if it turned into even more extreme pain.
Positivagir,Thank you so much! SO powerful. I had to read this 3 times because tears were rolling down my face. Then I had to read it a few more times. I cant tell you how much this site has helped me. You are so brave for trying again. I know some might say you let everyone down but I understand completely. I’m new to all of this, I’m still learning. The man you wrote about is so like the man in my life. He really seems to try to be normal, he just can’t. love and peace
“Why?” (rhetorical question of sorts…)
PG!! I’m so happy for you. You are free now!
Here’s my bit, & I’m probably gong to regret not taking some time to compose my thoughts first…
“To whom it may concern.
Well you finally did it to yourself this time, & there is no guarantee that you won’t again. You got arrested for sexual assault. I don’t know if this pertains to what happened this past Summer, or this is history repeating it’s self. Maybe you got off ‘lucky’ the first time, (or was it the 1st. time?) & thought you’d try it out again? Or maybe that 1st. woman found it impossible to live with what happened & came back @ you?
Your reaction when asked, “Why” you did it was, “To up my points.”
That tore me apart when I read it.
I never believed that you were a 100% Total Creep!
So, human beings are “points” to you in some shitty on line PUA (pick up artist) game?
… and “She offered only token resistance when I was pulling @ her shirt.” What did you expect!? You are the size of a line backer! Did you think she was gonna turn into Wonder Woman & flip you into the wall to get her “NO!” across?
Do you have any idea how many Moms still tell their daughters, “If it looks like rape, don’t resist because you will only get hurt worse or maybe killed.”??!! In you case.. well just step back & look @ yourself. You are 6 ft. 6 inches tall, & likely outweighed her by @ least 100 pounds.
I think your disguise is shredding. I know you have always given another medical excuse for you ‘lack of empathy’, & yes, you were,
“Mercilessly bullied & excluded as a child”, but does that give you the right to bully other people?
Is this what you have been trying to talk to me about?
After the rotten stuff you have pulled on me over the last 19 months, do you really think you would get a sympathetic ear from me?
If I had been taken in by your B.S., that might have been me. (& yeah, you did try a few times to get me up to your flat. )
You ‘charmed’ the cops out of laying (I assume) physical assault charges with you Ex. 13 months ago, & you still can’t shut up about how she ruined your life. As someone said to you, “She did it with your permission”. (so you couldn’t leave without a sex fix in place before you could make the break?)
You talk about yourself & women as though you were talking about some Nazi breeding program. Why don’t you understand how revolting that is?
So, “Women practically have to beg (you) to have sex with them” ??
OMG! If I had not sat there & read the sh*t that you wrote, it would be impossible for me to believe that the same person, that seemed so kind, sweet & empathetic wrote that ‘stuff’.
I also happened to remember something that happened to me about 8+ years ago. I was walking my dogs in the park, & 3 young men with their backs to me where on either side of the narrow exit, apparently urinating. Two smaller men on the left side, & one bigger one on the right side. Then they turned around with ‘everything’ hanging out, with heads down wearing caps on so I could not see their faces. I do believe that was my 1st run-in with you & your brothers. I never connected that incident, or even thought about it until that night you went screaming out of your parent’s house. It backs onto the park, doesn’t it! (and you 3 always travel like a pack of Hyenas.)
‘Just F***ing UNBELIEVABLE!
And Never Ever try to contact me again. I will call the police, as I should have done some time ago.
Brilliant letter pinto. I am so sorry that you experienced this. My parents never told me this about rape? I am so sorry that this happened to you.Did it feel better writing it though?
Yes, my Mom who is tiny told me this, (she was a rape victim herself & the police even used to advise this .but when it happened to me I did Not listen. I cleaned that b@stard’s clock! (I had just found out that I was pregnant after years of trying when the rape attempt happened. No way was I going to allow that! )
I honestly feel sick! I really liked this person for over 2 years. No dating or anything happened then or ever, but I felt like I knew a good person when I met one. I cared a lot for him & his problems. Now, I don’t believe that I can judge character at all.
He started stalking behaviours both physical & cyber after I asked him if he was single. He fudged on ‘single’. I refused to go out with him & I started avoidance. To be honest, there was something about him that just screamed Control Freak. He was not single as I found out. That partner was the Ex that he claims ruined his life. (for 16 months, during which time I think he moved out, likely with another woman, & then I think (?) moved back with original partner.)
He always portrays himself a a ‘gentle giant’. During all the creepy stuff, & the domestic riot with his Ex., I never believed that he could not hurt anyone physically. ‘Just capable of childish head games, but pretty mean spirited ones. He is very childish in his reactions too, but very intelligent @ the same time (& very manipulative!) He seems to have very little impulse control.
He also does not see himself as a Narc/Soc. He sees it in others (family members), but not himself. I often felt than somebody close to him was putting a lot of malignant garbage into his head about women & life in general, & if not just feeding, then fanning the flames of something already there. He doesn’t want to be seen as an N/S. & may be very upset with me saying so.
I have been no contact for many months now, but reading the things he said is awful. It’s like seeing a very sick person after a long time away. The emotional deterioration is so obvious.
This has shaken me up to the core.What the hell happened here?
Hi Pinto, How long ago did you split with him? I am sorry if I played a part in you reading things he said and that affecting you? Reading the information might trigger trauma again. I know it did for me with the legal case. There are things with the ex ex that I never revisit. I barely write about it either, its deep in my psyche of trauma, this might be what has happened, or is it quite recently that you have split? I hope you are ok.
I should add that my attempted rapist was a long time ago & not the person I’m talking about here.
We never had a dating or sexual relationship. We kind’a talked a bit & flirted some for about 2 years. I asked him his status & he was in a relationship so nothing ever happened, but I started avoiding him when I felt that he was being a jerk . Then the stalking started. I have had no face to face contact with him for 19 months. I did have some on line
(an interest board )contact with him after that, but never exchanged email, phone calls or other personal contact.. I did get some nasty porn on email that I’m sure (as I can be) was from him .I was mostly asking him to stop bothering me & telling him in no uncertain terms that I had no interest in him. I have not been on that board in over a year.
In the past he has bounced back @ me after he’s had several break ups. (which is frequently)
No, you absolutely had no part to play in me peeking @ that board.
(Unless he has hacked me here or gone out of his way to check, he Should Never know that I saw what I saw.)
I just had a feeling that ‘something’ had happened after his last 3 attempts to contact me. They were different (?) & some other odd things happened. I’m not psychic, but sometimes I know when the wind changes.
There is nothing that I can do for this man. Nothing. I can’t change who he is or isn’t. I can’t undo what’s been done. It took 3 1/2 decades to make him who he is.
He has thrown me under the bus so many times that I won’t ever meet him face to face & I sure won’t start posting on that board again.
100% No Contact!.
There is a big age difference (me being older) & in the court of public opinion, I would always be at fault. If he had gotten me into a compromising situation, I would have been found ‘guilty’ no matter what the circumstances, & I think he knew this. Careful victim selection on his part & not a nice thought for me to have about myself. I was completely disposable & a perfect scapegoat. He or one of his buddies did call me a ‘perv.’ a few months ago… I’m not an accused rapist, or a flasher times 3, & never got physically near him, but I’m a ‘perv.’ never the less.. 😀 LOLs!!
If he had managed to get into a good relationship with an ‘appropriate’ woman, this might not have happened, but I don’t see that happening.
I think his attitudes about women & relationships have soured so much that it won’t happen until he changes -If he can ever do that.
And.. I don’t know that his attitudes really Have changed all that much for the worse. When I think about that park incident over 8 years ago, maybe he was, is, & will always be a kind of childish predator on some level. I know in some respects I saw him through rose coloured glasses, & I thought he was about a decade older than he was. Being the artful dodger takes it’s physical toll?
I never wished him any harm & I do not now. I feel sorry for that woman, & feel sorry for him too.
Ok, here’s my letter. Because i need to be done with this and continue to move on. I have been 100% no contact for 3.5 months. I have not heard from him. The few run ins we’ve had, he just gives me a terrible look and I pretend I don’t know him. And I want to stop thinking about this.
The relationship had been terrible for over a year though. I had been trying to initiate No Contact for over a year. But I kept breaking it, because I wasn’t quite there yet. I finally got to the point where i’m sticking to it.
This website has been a treasure trove of information and input that has helped me immensely move on.
When I met you, I had no idea people like you existed. I had no idea I could be swept up in the most incredible romantic relationship I dared dream of. I felt like I knew love for the first time in those first few months. Just being near you, seeing you, my body and my brain were on fire. Time literally froze when you’d look at me. I thought about you 24/7. You were NEVER not on my mind.
I had no idea it was all fake, or that you were using me. It never would have occurred to me. I’m still discovering things here and there about your motives. It’s so clear to me now that every single thing between us was fake. There was not one kind, genuine, decent element about you. (Which, to be completely fair, makes you a terrible person. It just does.)
When you discarded me (the first time), it almost broke me. We went from one day, you being achingly sweet and nice to completely shutting me out. (I realize now you were SO nice because you wanted to have MAX affect on me when you discarded me. You were hoping I would fall apart.) I have never been treated so terribly by anyone in my life, who claimed to love me. My heart broke. I have never known pain like that.
I don’t care if you are a sociopath and “you can’t help it”. It was unacceptable, how you treated me. I know you know this because if you treated your mother or your boss like this, you know there would issues that would not be pleasant for you. Which is why you don’t do it. You KNOW it doesn’t work that way. You know it’s bad.
Then the games really began…………..and I admit, I did almost lose myself. I struggled to understand and to make sense of it all. After all, I had done SO MUCH for you. Nothing but good things. I LOVED you. I supported you. I gave you ME. The most precious thing I had to give. I had never lied to you. Or said mean things to you to make you feel bad or put you down. NEVER.
Then I started researching. And you are a text book sociopath. Our story was the same story, over and over and over and over. Every single one of these stories the sociopath was YOU. And I learned about No Contact and about Love Bomb, Ruin, Discard.
This helped. I started No Contact. I realize I slipped a few times, because I was still hurting, and still hoping upon hope that you truly weren’t this empty shell of a person who could not connect and could not love. You never apologized for any of the horrible things you did or said. You never apologized for hurting me. You never were accountable for your actions or words.
I read other people’s stories and I didn’t feel alone. And I felt for these people as well, and that made me want to change ME. And I DID.
I take care of myself now. I pay my bills, clean my house, see my family and friends. I LAUGH again and my conversations with my friends and family are not longer about YOU or the pain you were causing me. I stopped having panic attacks. I started sleeping again.
ANY TIME MY THOUGHTS STRAY TO YOU OR I MISS YOU, I THINK ABOUT THAT. I’M SLEEPING AGAIN. I’M NOT HAVING PANIC ATTACKS. I’M LAUGHING AGAIN.
Day by day, it got easier. I thought about you less and less. The further I distanced myself the more clear the ridiculousness of the situation became to me. You had so slowly sucked me in, had someone treated me like you did right off the bat, I would never have had anything to do with them! Now I look back at things you did and said and I’m ASTOUNDED I allowed myself to feel so poorly of myself I would accept someone treating me that way.
This is the last of it. I’m not going to give you my thoughts anymore. I’m done thinking about you. I’m done trying to figure you out. I figured you out. Once I knew what i was dealing with, it was easier to let the hurt go. There is nothing more to say. No more questions I need answered.
This is great Jude. What i love most about it, is where you say you gave the most precious thing. You!
Hi Positivagirl, Thank you for having this segment. I feel like this is the final part of this journey for me, being able to write this to him. (without really writing it to him.)
I’m actively NOT trying to find out anything about him or what he’s doing. (It helps with NC) But recently people have inadvertently filled me in on things they had no idea related to him and me. (Long story)
I found out that EVERYTHING was a lie. He used me 100%. From day one. For anything he could get out of me. I didn’t even realize some of the things he was doing. He used my feelings for him to make him look good to other people. And once he looked good, took that opportunity to covertly make me look bad and discard me.
The funny thing is, he wouldn’t even have had to play me to get what he initially wanted out of me, which had nothing to do with being in a relationship. He just did that for added entertainment.
That was it. The final nail in the coffin. THAT was my closure. Really internalizing that. NOT ONE THING was real. I feel nothing more for him. I get more out of a casual interaction with a friendly cashier at the grocery store than 3 years with him. That’s how meaningless it turned out to be. I get more out of interactions with strangers.
I’m ready to say goodbye now for good, with peace in my heart. And I don’t need any type of closure or apology or explanation from him.
You might want to be sitting down for this.
There are so many things I need to say to you but I’m really not sure how to. I know you will only view this as an accomplishment that you have yet again won a girls heart to only destroy her. I have unexpressed feelings from the chaos, abuse, drama and dysfunction that came along with you. I dont expect that it matters to you, otherwise you wouldnt have done what you did releatedly. So this is for me to let it go & get rid of it.
Il start it off by saying I know you never loved me. You were acting solely on lust or what you could gain by saying those 3 words & that makes me sad that you either knew you didn’t love me but continued to say you did or that maybe you don’t know the difference between the two and have most likely never been in love. I dont care to know which one it was because it won’t change the outcome & won’t make me think different of you. I can promise you i was in love with you, but not the person you truly are. I fell in love with the perception of you that you had successfully put in my head. All the promises of a great life together, all the things we would accomplish, the person you wished you could be, all of it was a facade, an illusion, a dream. Il give you credit for being a master manipulator but in the end it’s only you who has lost. You never allowed me to truly get close to you. Our “relationship” in whatever form that has taken had been dictated on your terms the whole time and you have reveled in holding power over me. I have been a toy to you. Im fun to play with until you get bored and then you dispose of me like im worthless. But it never ends there. A few weeks or months later you remember how fun that game was and you slither your way back to test the waters and your vicious cycle repeats all over again.
Your so-called problems, or lack thereof, were always prioritized over my own.
You would justify your lies I would catch you in with understanding and ignorance.
I know without a doubt you are not searching for love, you are seeking help. Financially & with just general life activities & boy was I the perfect candidate for that position. You took notice that i thoroughly enjoy the simple tasks in a relationship. Providing a home cooked meal, laundry cleaned & put away, paying my own way with bills & last but not least providing you sexual pleasure. But at what point did you think it was a good time to stop investing into me? Were you even ever investing in me or was that an illusion as well..
How was I supposed to keep lovingly providing these things for you and getting nothing in return? When you told me that you we’re sorry for being a shit boyfriend & you weren’t used to giving 100% in a relationship, That most girls were content with whatever you were willing to offer at the time, that really opened my eyes to seeing you were fully aware of your far from perfect behaviour & hoped I would just continue. Everything fell apart after that. I was no longer a source of supply for you because I was fully aware of your perfectly calculated game.
I hope somewhere along the line you’re man enough to admit to yourself that you have done terrible things. And I hope that somehow karma works it’s way to you and gives you a full dose of what you deserve. Nothing too bad, just enough to match the pain you have inflicted on others.
You should know I seen the emails between you & rachel. It didn’t surprise me that you play the same game with everyone.
“I thought you should know I still love you” said the person that told me he never said he loved her.
You said she kept reaching out to you but it was pretty clear she just wanted you to leave her alone. She told you that you ruin everything & That you clearly will never change. I think at some point I will reach out to her because she deserves a pat on the back for allowing your abuse for so long under the assumption that you will one day realize your awful ways & want to change for her.
While blaming you for all the awful traits that are you, I might as well blame you for the good ones too.
Thank you for your raw essence, that is what I truly fell for. That I know for sure can’t be calculated on your part as confidence does not come naturally to most.
Thank you for the laughs that filled the rooms.
Thank you for chasing me & tickling me until I couldn’t breathe.
Thank you for all the fun adventures over the psst year.
Most of all, thank you for treating me so cold & awful because I now know without a doubt that you are a broken little boy that is searching for something he will never find.
You have given me so much strength you will never truly begin to understand.
This is goodbye ❤
I love this thank you for sharing Katie. I forget about this post. I wrote this while he slept, knowing that he was planning on moving on the next day, while smiling at me, telling me he loved me. Oh he loved the element of surprise. This time, I gave it back to him. His face, as he read this, on the day he was planning on leaving me after taking all he could. Instead, I said goodbye to him. We split, for good. He moved out, it would be 12 months later before he left my city and stopped harassing me. Thank you for the reminder, for sharing your letter too.
We FEEL, we SUFFER, we HURT. YOU hurt those around you and don’t even see it because you can’t FEEL. Since you can’t FEEL you don’t see anything is wrong. GUILT and a CONSCIENCE aren’t much in you to help you to SEE the harm you cause. Are you blessed or cursed to be spared the pain? It is a curse to those who love you, and we have to make a choice , both are unbearable because we loved you or still love you. To continue being tormented and hurt over and over and over OR to END it fianlly despite the lingering pain of a grieving process that takes so long to fade. You see, It’s a DEATH grieving process to us, something you’d never understand.
Good words Debra.